Monday, April 5, 2010

Resident Evil 384: Milla Jovavich Is Still Hot As Balls


Video games are the one nerd ship that sailed without me. I wanted to be down, I wanted to roll deep with 37 gaming systems, 4000 games and a handcuff which would tether me to my home computer while I played an online role playing game until blood shot from my eyes. Alas it was not to be and so I stood on the dock waving to my other friends as the video game ship sailed into the distance.

What it boiled down to essentially is that video games bore me to tears, I don't know why, I can't explain it they just do. The weirdest part is having grown up in the eighties I was always, always, ALWAYS at the arcade. I loved my Atari 2600 and my Coleco Vision. Then something happened and I just grew disinterested.

So when the Resident Evil movies came out I had little knowledge of the video games they were based on. I went and saw them simply as action movies with a basic working knowledge that they somehow tied into a zombie video game. The movies, across the board, sucked. It was awesome to warm up the nerd boner for Milla because she's burn-out-the-planets hot no matter what she does.

Her inability to stretch her acting game beyond opening her eyes wide, pouting or yelling means nothing based on what she's here for. If Megan Fox is the incredibly hot slut girl you would kill your grandmother to bang then Milla is the incredibly hot fashion school girl you spend all your money dating while saying things like "These boots are important." She's eye candy and in the Resident Evil movies she's eye candy that kicks the shit out of people.

After a lengthy absence Resident Evil returns with Afterlife in which Milla searches for survivors, fights bad guys and enlists another hot girl to run around and kill things with her. While the trailer doesn't look any worse than the other films I got really annoyed with the fact that they were selling it mainly on the 3D aspect. It literally says "FILMED WITH THE JAMES CAMERON/VINCENT PACE FUSION CAMERA SYSTEM, THE WORLD’S MOST ADVANCED 3D TECHNOLOGY"

Seriously, Hollywood has smoked so much 3D Crystal Meth that it's too high to see how lame that is? I can't wait for the 3D thing to squat down and take a huge shit on the heads of the Hollywood corporate system. I mean fuck when are we.....oh.....wait,,,,,,shit, sorry here's the trailer:


  1. The Resident Evil games were actually damn good. I would recommend that you play them Iann. I think you would enjoy them. You might get a little bored but I think the ending of the game is well worth the time & effort.

    I remember in high school playing them (particularly 2 & 3) & loving the special FX, good storyline, & great character rendering. The movies aren't that great but the games exceed them by a longshot.

  2. I did try once but got frustrated quickly and then bored. I just don't think video games are for me.

  3. The thing I find interesting is you like watching people play video games. I've been trying to find people like that for years but it's hard to ask people "Hey guys want to come over and watch me play game X" without sounding like an inconsiderate jackass.