Thursday, April 29, 2010

JONAH HEX anybody in Hollywood even fucking home?

So after months of speculation, bizarre rumors and then basic silence, the trailer for Jonah Hex has been released. So what does it do to alleviate the fears that this movie will suck huge amounts of anus? NOTHING!! Watch for yourself:

First of all this isn't Jonah Hex, let's be clear about that from the fucking get go. This is some paint-by-numbers cowboy revenge flick that they've slapped a scarred man into and claimed it was Jonah Hex. Nothing here has anything to do with Jonah Hex at all, at ALL!! First off Jonah did have a wife and son but years after he gets his scar. The wife also takes Jonah's kid and leaves, she's never killed off. Jonah isn't the on liner king and he doesn't have a "weapons specialist" who gives him updated artillery. This smacks more of a Western Punisher than Jonah Hex. Oh yeah and Jonah Hex doesn't have superpowers.

The worst part of all of this is that Jonah Hex's story would've made a kick ass movie. In the story Hex's father, an abusive drunk, sells Hex into slavery as a boy for safe passage through Apache territory. Hex saves the chief's life and becomes an honorary member. Then Jonah's ambushed and left for dead, loses a fiancee, gets accused of being a turncoat to the confederacy, shoots Stonewall Jackson and after all of that he returns to face the indian who ambushed him in a duel to the death.

The indian sabotages Jonah's tomahawk forcing Jonah to use a knife which the other tribes see as breaking the rules of a battle so Hex is given the "mark of the demon" which is how he gets the scar. From there he becomes a hard drinking, bounty hunter with a fucked up honor code. See, doesn't that make for a way more interesting story? Why fuck it up? Why add Megan Fox? Why do any of this? Fuck you Hollywood.

I hate everything

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