Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Returns!!

So with the return of Cool Shit In The Crosshairs I would be remiss not to include any and all kick ass toy, collectables, kitsch shit. As you can tell from the photo, I love me some nerd type gifts to roll deep with. Anyway, here's what's up for this week.


Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. That's about all I can say on this is I wish I had $290 bucks and the room to display it. This statue featuring the classic clash between Superman and Muhammad Ali not only looks amazing but is also rather bittersweet due to the passing of Dick Giordano who inked this classic comic book. If you're looking to buy this statue (for me maybe) then click HERE.


Look I understand that you have to have marketing tie ins to make a movie work but seriously, really? A fucking Iron Man Diesel perfume thing? First of all who wants to smell like machine parts and oil, which is what Iron Man would smell like and also guys who wear Diesel are too busy date raping teenage girls to care about Iron Man. This item hits stores (for around $68) in May and you can check the Diesel Store over and over to find out when.


I don't know what the fuck this is or why the fuck you would want it but it really sucks. You can't buy it because some fool actually made it just for themselves but I figured you should view it.

The Fresh Prince Vs The Aliens Round 2 (and 3)

Back in 2009 Roland Emmerich, the guy who fucked Godzilla in the ass in 1998 and then proceeded to make nothing but disaster movies, started spewing off about two back-to-back sequels for his 1996 alien invasion movie Independence Day. Nobody really thought much about it because who would be stupid enough to think it would work. Back then Big Willie Style wasn't much more than a bit player and Bill Pullman actually had box office clout. Jump ahead fourteen years and Pullman can't get arrested while The Fresh Prince is mr twenty million bucks plus a percentage of the gross. Who would fuck with those odds?

Well, apparently Fox will because Emmerich has been given the go ahead for two ID movies, shot back to back and featuring Will Smith. The movies will focus on a re-built Earth however many years later when suddenly more aliens show up to slap out at us. The movie will begin at some point after Will Smith's next movie which could either be Men In Black 3 or some movie about magic and kids called The City That Sailed. Emmerich stated he might call these films ID Forever Part I and II but let's hope that was after a shit load of moonshine and cocaine.

Oddly enough I don't care either way if these movies get made. Independence Day didn't bum me out but I wasn't a fan either. To be honest I really didn't care either way. The first time I saw it I was high, the second time I ended up moving to the back of the theater with a girl so I didn't actually watch the movie start to finish until it came out for rental. It was cute and kinda fun but nothing I thought needed a sequel much less two of them. Fourteen years later would people even care? I can see maybe Big Willie Style trying to jump start his blockbuster career again after some failed attempts at putting out heart-string tugging gimmie-an-oscar films. Bill Pullman would sign up in a second even if he had to cater the thing to and I'm guessing Jeff Goldblum could take some time off of Law And Order to be in it.

Whatever happens I'll keep you posted.


Sexy bloody girl gives us nerd boners in Rec 2

For the most part I'm not a huge fan of modern horror. Mainly because it's usually made up of badly handled slasher flicks or high concept, low-script ideas that feature insane amounts of gore but no real tension. When I saw Rec for the first time I lost my shit entirely because it actually scared me. Not just quick jump out of the seat scares but long form tension the way a horror film should be. Hell, I even liked the American version Quarantine. I was torn when I heard there was to be a sequel to Rec but having watched this trailer I'm super, duper, fucking amped.

REC 2 will have a theater release in July but should be on In Demand in June. No, that doesn't make any sense to me either.

M. Night Shamalamadingdong sucks.....here's proof

Google M. Night, every single photo of him he looks like frat boy douche bag.

So let's be very clear on all the facts going into this whole Last Airbender movie. I am not now nor have I ever been a fan of M. Night Shyamalan. I don't understand why people enjoy his films, I find him personally to be a pretentious fop with one trick he does over and over again. Want proof? Okay let's break down his movies:

Sixth Sense: Predictable with holes in the plot you could drive a fucking truck through.

Unbreakable: Or as I call it unbearable. A long, tedious movie that managed to make me not want to like comic books. I was also in love with how the guy who couldn't walk downstairs without breaking his bones orchestrated a train wreck and a mudslide.

Signs: My personal favorite was how the incredibly advanced race of aliens, able to avoid detection when they landed in a cornfield, never figured out that 80% of our planet was acid to them. Um during their extensive silent invasion it never rained?

The Village: Adults keep kids in the middle of a game preserve and pretend its the colonial period. Then the send the blind girl to get medicine from outside the walls after telling her the mystical wolf creatures are just cool costumes. When a security guard sees this colonial girl climbing over the wall he doesn't tell anybody because his boss says it's a "good job". What horeshit.

Lady In The Water: The only watchable film he ever made and it still sucks.

The Happening: One of the worst films ever shot, with acting so bad I was waiting to be told it was a big joke. Indescribably bad. Plants plan and execute a mass assassination. Fuck you.

That brings us to The Last Airbender. I am a huge, huge, huge fan of the Avatar series (they had to drop the name because Big Bad Dickhead James Cameron threatened to sue) and a live action version never sat right with me. So far I'm only amped on the special effects because A. Most of the cast of the fantasy film set in Asia are white, B. The Last Airbender talks like a gay man with emphysema and C. The character of Uncle is too young. Here's the new Japanese trailer, you tell me:

Looks cool but the jury is still out on it. However this little nugget surfaced today, a quote for M. Night Shamalamadingdong that might explain why he sucks so badly. Here's what he had to say about Twilight:

"I love the [Twilight] series, and Catherine's movie, it was one of my favorite movies of that year," he said. "Really, I thought tonally, it was a perfect movie. I called her up after I saw 'Twilight' and was like 'That was amazing.' So I'm a big fan."

That statement is scary and not just because i'm not a wet panty 16 year old girl so I don't "get" Twilight. Outside of how lame the material was the film itself was forty minutes too long and the acting featured two spoiled shits who won the genetic lottery walking around whispering with expressions on their faces like they had heartburn or really bad gas. This is Shamalamadingdong's idea of a perfect movie? I can only hope he's trying to suck enough cock to guarantee he can direct one of the Twilight movies incase Airbender shits the bed.

Monday, March 29, 2010

SHIT, I Wish I Lived In Tokyo

Why you ask? Well besides the toys, food and tons of hot Japanese girls all loving my studly Irish-American ways, I'd also get to watch DJ Premiere and Pete Rock battle it out on the turntables. Famed record label Manhattan Records is celebrating their 30th Anniversary by featuring two of hip hop's finest in a DJ Battle. Dj Premiere and Pete Rock will sling it out at the Ebisu Liquid Room In Tokyo On May 2nd. Think it sounds awesome now? View the trailer:

Manhattan Records presents DJ Premier VS Pete Rock -A Legendary DJ Battle trailer from getfunky on Vimeo.

Like I said, I wish I lived in Tokyo!!


Don't worry, it's not called that, I just find and sequel with the number is way funnier with Electric Boogaloo after the title.

Seriously though, it feels like the war between the Skeksis and the Mystics went on for fewer years than the coming of the Dark Crystal sequel. Talk of the sequel has raged on for years but with very little actually moving forward with it. Recently Brian and Wendy Froud, the couple who worked on the original Dark Crystal as well as Jim Henson's Labyrinth, declared that the sequel to the Jim Henson classic was still on and moving towards a start-date for production. Here's an interview with the couple at the signing for their new card game The Heart of Faerie Oracle.

Now I'm sure that there are those out there who find this to be good news, I am not one of them. The Dark Crystal was a perfect fantasy movie, a film that told a complete story, one that left no room for a sequel. Jim Henson's use of puppetry and stop-motion effects gave the Dark Crystal and the film's inhabitants a realism and life the movies can't touch today even with the advances in technology. A sequel would not only feel forced but also serve no purpose. Just leave it alone, let the movie be what it is and stop fuck trying to cash in on it.

Bond Gets A Villain And Godzilla Gets To Come Back


As MGM struggles to try and pay their bills the company is staying positive by continuing work on the new James Bond film. Currently the script is being put together by Peter Morgan and now comes news that Rachel Weisz might be line to star in the film. Not as the next James Bond sperm bank but as a supervillain type behind-the-scenes mistress of the nefarious Quantum organization. Personally I think this would be really cool since it would step outside the normal James Bond parameters and add an interesting angle to the film. Don't know if this shit is true or not but if it is it would be cool.

In other news apparently the long period of mourning for Godzilla is over as Legendary Pictures & Warner Brothers have released a statement saying they will be bringing the much adored monster back to the big screen. Not much more is known about the deal other than it stemmed from a licensing agreement with Toho the company that originally brought the Lizard monster to life. If anybody out there is listening to me (which I doubt) please, please use the 1998 Roland Emmerich movie as something of a warning. Secondly only to the Phantom Man-Ass, that version of Godzilla was the worst blockbuster released in the latter half of the nineties. It's a vomitous mass of shit that sucks on every level, every level....EVERY FUCKING LEVEL!! Christ I'll bet the goddamn food at the lunch table was spoiled.

Legendary has a decent track record with 300 and Dark Knight so let's all hope they bring Godzilla back the right way and send that shitty 1998 film to the sewage lake of hell it belongs in.

Uma Thurman Is Worth Less Than A Blu-Ray Player

Oh man this is too rich, this is the kinda shit that makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Remember when Uma Thurman was a big deal? Think back, it might take a second but you'll get there. Remember how her scenes in The Adventures Of Baron Munchoussen forced any living male to instantly begin masturbating or how she was super cool drug addict in Pulp Fiction? Well sorry Uma, those days are fucking over. Outside of making Kill Bill (the first boring samurai movie) Thurman hasn't done much, well there was My Super Ex-Girlfriend but who knows somebody might have had pictures of her blowing goats to force into that one.

Anyhoo recently Uma tried to go the indie route with the movie "Motherhood", a film where she plays a successful yuppie trying to balance motherhood, work and life in New York in one of those "Gosh that was clever" puke indie films. In order to gain buzz for the movie (which is industry speak for they know it sucks and will try anything) the clever marketing team opened the movie in one theater in the UK. The idiotic idea here had something to do with this wacky move somehow getting word of mouth out for the movie. I'm guessing the industry folks were seeing lines around the corner with trendy Brits sipping coffee and talking about how much they want to see this film.

Instead the movie sold one ticket it's opening day and made 88 pounds the entire weekend. 88 pounds equals out to roughly $131 bucks.

Now that's some funny shit.

Yeah, Chris Evans Totally Works As Captain America...My Bad


If you're like me and you actually read comics then you were also one of the may not amped on the fact that Chris Evans had been chosen to play Captain America in no less than nine movies. Backing off from how stupid it is to pre-order somebody to step up for nine movies let's focus on how bad a choice Chris Evans was for Captain America. Remember how badly he portrayed the Human Torch? How he stripped him of any charm and just made Torch a frat cunt you wanted dead? How about the whole tortured funny guy in Push, another craptacular acting job. So why make this chump Captain America? Well, a lot of folks said it's because he looks the part.

Now the above poster is not actual nor is it official, in fact it's just a fan mock up, but the point is made. Look how bad Evans looks in the Captain America suit. He looks like some date raping football star on Halloween out to get laid. I'm supposed to believe this guy can command Robert Downey JR as Iron Man or the guy the got to play Thor? Outside of commanding other meatheads to rush the line of scrimmage Evans doesn't look like he could command shit.

Nice going Marvel, way to fuck it up.

I hate everything.


For those who've never seen the classic western Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid (shame on you) there is a pivotal ending spoiler that I'm going to give away simply because it'll make the ridiculous sequel idea seem even more so. During a big shoot out at the end of the film both Butch and Sundance are shot to shit and killed. I don't mean questionably so I mean you see the bullets riddle their bodies as the movie draws to a close. Outside of that the actor who original played Butch Cassidy, Paul Newman, has shuffled off this mortal coil so is no longer around to play the character. Keeping that shit in mind let's ask ourselves a mathmatical word problem:

How many pounds of Crystal Meth would one have to smoke in order to forget those details and actually think to pitch a fucking sequel?

Don't know the answer? Well true believers neither do I, mostly because our logical brains can't wrap around something so incredibly stupid. Fear not though because the answer apparently lays with director Mateo Gil and actor Sam Shepard. See Mateo has concocted this idea that somehow between the massive bullet wounds and medical science being akin to witch doctors in that era Butch Cassidy managed to get out and make it to......wait for it......BOLIVIA. Now residing in the quaint outback of Bolivia Cassidy wants to pull off one more robbery to afford himself a ticket home. Oddly enough Sundance didn't make it through the shoot out so he's all dead and done with in this sequel.

This is a Hollywood move I just don't get. Usually these walking piles of poison vomit do anything to make a buck but here they've screwed the pooch but good. First off the original movie is long over so there is no hunger for a sequel. Secondly it told a wonderful and complete story, leaving no opening for anything else. This abortion of a film is just a shitty western robbery flick with Butch Cassidy attached to it. It could've been called Western Pete and The Open Trail or Cowboy Steve Rustles Him Some Vittles and nobody would've blinked. This doesn't continue the story of Butch Cassidy at all, it just slaps his name on something that clearly sucks. Even if this stupid movie made sense in the continuity of the story Paul Newman is fucking dead, he can't be in it. If a sequel is being made and does not include the original cast members then clearly those working on the film don't care, as these people don't. Shame on you Sam Shepard, shame on you.

I have an idea, why not take the old Mr. T cartoon series and apply it here. Have an old Butch Cassidy going around America training young people to be train robbers but in between they solve mysteries and thwart crime. and call it Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kids.

I hate everything.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


With so many crappy artists out there wreaking havoc on the comic book industry, it blows massive chunks to wake up to the news that DC Comics icon Dick Giordano has died at the age of 77. For those who don't know Giordano he was a major force behind the rejuvenation of DC Comics in the 70s and I'd lay bets he's one of the major reasons DC was able to start matching Marvel Comics as far as content and art were concerned. Giordano wasn't a glory hound, nor was he basking in the spotlight of DC's return but if not for him the return either would not have happened or not at all to such a degree.

You have to understand Giordano's inking ability brought a certain depth and realism to the pencils happening in the 70s, a realism that raised the bar as to what could be done. Outside of his incredible art Giordano would help to bring the Charlton Comics characters over to DC (he had worked there previous) and without those characters there would have been no Watchman. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons based their Watchmen on the Charlton Comics characters and if the work done by Giordano, Adams, Denis O'Neil, and the ilk hadn't been done in the 70s, a book like Watchman could never have come out.

Giordano was also the man behind some of the greatest titles ever to hit the streets. Green Lantern/Green Arrow, Superman Vs Muhammad Ali, Superman Vs Spider-Man (the first Marvel/DC crossover), Crisis On Infinite Earths, and the inks during John Byrne's classic Superman run. Outside of that he also helped to make Aquaman (one of my favorites) less hokey as well as bringing his talents to books like Wonder Woman and JLA. None of the art that made the 70s & 80s era of comics books so magical would have worked as well without Dick Giordano, that's simply fact.

Personally I idolized the man because he was part of the team that brought Batman back from the brink. See I'm a Batman guy, before any other heroes ever entered my life I was hooked on the Dark Knight. I bought my first issue in 1977 and I've been hooked ever since. Even during the days when money or room kept me from collecting I would always stop by the comic shop (or drug store in the early days) to make sure I was on top of what was up with Batman. As I got older and began looking into the history of the character I became sickened at what Batman went through during the Silver Age. The art was lame, the stories corny and slowly all the darkness of the Dark Knight was ebbed away, culminating in that goddamn motherfucking shtiheap TV series.

Then along comes Neal Adams (Art), Denny O'Niel (writer) and Dick Giordano (Inks) to save Batman. They understood what Bob Kane (creator of Batman) had intended with the original run. A lone, twisted, dark and sinister creature of the night, a weirdo with a thirst for revenge. That team brought out the detective side of Batman, the dark side and the violent side. They also helped breathe new life into Batman's rouges gallery, a gallery that is still unparalleled today. If not for these men I would never have gotten into Batman, a title that helped me through some really bad spots in my life as well as providing me with at least one hero who wouldn't let me down.

So Mr. Giordano I wish you all the best in the next world and I hope you know just how much you have done to enrich all of our lives, especially mine.


Ever since my beloved Sara introduced me to the world of Batman The Animated series I have been a ginormous fan of Kevin Conroy as the one and only true voice of Batman. So you can imagine my get down excitement when I discovered that tonight was the episode of Batman Brave And The Bold where original Batman teams up with the Batman from Zur-En-Arrh who is voiced by KEVIN FUCKING CONROY!!! Here's a clip

Friday, March 26, 2010

2010 AIDS Walk & Awesome KEITH HARING Shirt

This one has a particularly interesting meaning for me on two strong and yet totally different levels. The first is the AIDS Walk, which I've done before in memory of my father Ronald Thomas Robinson who was snatched from this world by AIDS in 1995. My father was an incredible human being, brilliant writer and somebody I was privileged to know much less be able to call my dad. His death was a grueling hell for him and now fifteen years later I see how much all of the advancements in both prevention and treatment of AIDS has helped others not go through what my father did. That's what makes this walk so important, it's also sad that I can't be in the city he loved so much to participate only because I live in Boston.

The other interesting thing here is the shirt offered for those contributing more than $50. Long ago my friend Topher and I met Keith Haring at his Pop Shop in NYC where he was signing autographs. I brought him an old white Adidas shirt I had which he drew a figure on and then signed. He was so completely generous and cool with his time and I loved that shirt for years. Sadly my first wife, evil whore cunt that she was, threw it away as a means of getting back at me because I was pissed she was out with some strange guy. I know, I'm a real bastard. Anyhoo, here are some details on the event:

Join the fight against AIDS and remember Keith Haring. 2010 Marks the 20th anniversary of Keith’s untimely death from AIDS. Please lend your support by making a donation to the 2010 AIDS Walk in his memory. If you donate $50 or more AND you walk on May 16th, you will receive a unique, limited edition t-shirt featuring artwork by Shepard Fairey based on a portrait of Keith by Patrick McMullan, shirts donated by OBEY Clothing.

To sign up as part of the Keith Haring Team and get the shirt click KEITH HARING.


Yeah I know this trailer is old news but I wanted it on here so I could access it quicker. Let me start off by calming down the hoards that will start screaming "sell out" because I approve of the trailer. I fully understand that I've been knocking the comic book for a long time and y'know what, I still don't like it. The art is crappy, the writing blocky and stilted and personally the idea of some chick saying "to be with me you have to battle my exes" makes me sick. Scott should pull off to the side of the road and dump this egotistical bitch at the next taco bell truck stop. Let her fuck around trying to lay down the law with horny truckers and see how far her pink hair gets her.

That being said I like the movie trailer, a lot. I dig Edgar Wright's direction and the chick they got to play the pink haired damsel is wicked hot, she's like my high school dream girl come to life. To me the whole thing just looks like a good time and might even smooth out some of the troubles I had with the comic. Regardless here's the trailer.

SAUL BASS TRON & LOST Opening Credits

For those who aren't hip to the ways of Saul Bass he is the man who brought a new swing and style to the world of openign credits for such giants as Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick. Bass has rocked his vision for movie like The Man with the Golden Arm (1955), The Seven Year Itch (1955), Around the World in Eighty Days (1956), Vertigo (1958), Anatomy of a Murder (1958), North by Northwest (1959), Psycho (1960), Spartacus (1960), Exodus (1960), Ocean’s Eleven (1960), West Side Story (1961), It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963), Broadcast News (1987), Big (1988), Goodfellas (1990), Cape Fear (1991 )and Casino (1995). His minimalist style and ability to put the vision to music made him a real unsung hero. A while back a fan designed the opening to Star Wars in a Saul Bass fashion and now we get TRON and LOST. DIG IT!!


Tron vs. Saul Bass from Hexagonall on Vimeo.


Lost vs. Saul Bass from Hexagonall on Vimeo.

What an awesome way to kick start the weekend!!

JURASSIC PARK Returns In Comic Book Form


Remember Jurassic Park, the original? Think back, way back, really let the mind travel to that era. Got it? Good, now try and remember how good that film was. Funny, exciting, a real classic Steven Spielberg thrill ride. Jump ahead many years and what are we left with? The taste of two god awful sequels nearly washing out the sumptuous flavors of the original. Many of us had thought (and prayed) that Jurassic Park would just go the way of the dinosaur but in recent years rumors started to spill about there being another movie. It was on it was off it was on it was off, the movie became like a virgin on prom night making promises to her boyfriend about the back of the limo. Now it looks like Jurassic Park fans will have to settle for a hand job in the alley behind the gymnasium because the next Jurassic Park sequel will be in comic book form.

Yep, apparently the dinosaurs will roam the earth again but betwixt the pages of an IDW series. The plot is as follows: It’s been 13 years since little Tim and Lex Murphy escaped from the island of Isla Nublar, and recent public opinion has reversed,with the world clamoring for authorities to re-open Jurassic Park! While Tim and Lex try to preserve the Hammond family name, a secret deal is hatched to open a new park! This time they’ll get it right… right?. It's being scripted by new comer Bob Schrek with Nate Van Dyke on the interiors. Just to make sure this bitch sells the covers are being handled by big time artists including Frank Miller on issue #1. Check it out.

Arthur Adams on issue #2, Paul Pope on issue #3, Bernie Wrightson on issue #4 and Bill Stout on issue #5. Jurassic Park the comic hits stores in June

Paranormal Activity Has A Director--Sound The Who Cares Alarm NOW

Ah nothing like returning to your old stomping ground with news about something you fucking can't stand. If there were some of you out there that were curious exactly who it was that walked out of Paranormal Activity feeling like he'd been violated by a trusting Priest then look no further. Part of it was my own damn fault, I believed the hype, I let my fucking guard down and believed that just maybe all that shady green infrared camera stuff was right on the money. Alas, like love and Santa Clause and life being remotely fair I was sadly disappointed. Paranormal Activity was the most boring hunk of shit I have seen in a long, long time. Nothing happened, NOTHING NOTHING NOOOOOOTHING. A chick stood up sometimes, stared at her boyfriend for thirty hours, then sliced him up. It was like Blair Witch but with less going on.

However the sheep of the world flocked to it (like that, how I brought it all together) and it made an assload of money for the greedy slime in Hollywood. Having done that it of course rated a sequel. Rumors had been flying around that maybe Brian DePalma or some other name director might step up and take his shot with the movie. I guess DePalma and the other folks on the short list came to their goddamn senses and ran screaming into the night like the possessed bitch in the movie. With nobody of any ability left and film students still tied up with finals the oozing puss filled sores over in Hollywood have hired Tod "Kip" Williams to direct.

Who is that? Oh come ON everybody he directed the Hole In The Floor or the Door In The Wall or the Escape Hatch Just To One Side Of The Guest Bathroom...I dunno, some fucking thing. Anyway, he's directing it and so everybody can sit and scream at shit that doesn't happen.