Friday, November 19, 2010

FUCK THE GREEN LANTERN MOVIE



This should clear up the idea anybody had that this movie wouldn't suck huge, entire, stinking ass. This trailer pisses me the fuck off because ti effectively kills the idea that we'll ever have a decent Green Lantern movie.

I hate everything

TRON CLIP MAKES ME NERVOUS

Now I'm not saying this has me totally freaked out but it does force me to stop and pause my insane giggly excitement over the film. Check this out first.


TRON: Legacy Exclusive Clip - Sirens Dress Sam



I have a few issues with this clip. First of all, why would there be a place to dispose of clothing? Really, why would their be a place to dispose of anything? Computer programs don't eat, drink, shit or do anything else that requires disposal. Second, why do the girls have make up and hairstyle? Why make them sexy? They're programs? The original Tron made everybody look the same, even the woman, because they were programs, not people. The only reason they had any human characteristics was to give the idea that programs too the personality of those who designed them.

This clip makes me think that Tron Legacy might make the computer world too hip and sexy, too human. If the Hollywood idiots have decided to glamorize and sexualize what is supposed to be the inside world of computers, that might suck. The only way I could see to make it work is if Flynn being there has done something or if the information age has somehow enhanced a computer programs understanding of what humanity is.

Either way the four chicks walking backwards like that is stupid.

Monday, October 4, 2010

HOMELESS DOUBLE KERMITS PERFORM UNDER PRESSURE

I have no idea if this guy is really homeless or a performance artist but this is very cool and oddly touching.

THROBBING GRISTLE VIDEO PROMO

The worst thing about this video is I won't be able to get to Europe to see them

THROBBING GRISTLE PROMO 2010 from Industrial Records on Vimeo.

AND SO IT GOES....

Sorry folks but Cool Shit In The Crosshairs will be going the route of mainly cool video posts or little bits and pieces. Between school, my job, http://www.craveonline.com where I do most of my writing and then living life I don't have time for this blog like I used to. I hope you keep checking it out for the cool video stuff and other things.

Later
Iann

Thursday, August 26, 2010

In Case You Were Out Shopping For Me



Some of you will get this right away while others will scratch their heads and try to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. Don't you see? Can't you view why this T-shirt is a wonderous thing?

It's got a Tauntaun and a Wampa and they're skiing

HELLLOOOO THEY'RE SKIING!!!

If you don't get it I don't know what to do with you except ask that you buy this shirt for me because I WANT it and I'm fucking broke. For those looking to buy check out T-SHIRT LAUNDRY.

Thanks to TOPLESS ROBOT for the update.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

THE WALKING DEAD ALL OFFICIAL LIKE



Not much to say here that I didn't say when the leaked version hit. Amped on the show, love the comic, can't fucking wait. Here's the hi-end official trailer for The Walking Dead TV series.

DRAGON DICK?


HE IS GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT


Since I was a little kid I have loved me some dragons. I played D&D, saw Dragonslayer (in the theater) about 10 times and pretty much salivated over anything having to do with the flying beasts or lore. Since then finding a good dragon movie has been a tough road to hoe. The last one I can remember was Dragonheart and even that was just okay. Since then there's been the god awful D&D movie, the equally shitty Reign Of Fire starring Christian Bale and Matthew Mcoughnowhatshisname. Now comes Age Of Dragons, a dragon movie based on the book Moby Dick by Herman Mellville.

The film stars Danny Glover as a crazy bastard looking to kill the Great White Dragon that slaughtered his family. Between the many dragons, the hot chick, and Glover kicking the ham acting up a notch I will be forced to see this movie. Add to that how Moby Dick is one of my favorite books and now I'm even a little excited to see it. Here's the trailer:

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A MOSQUE FALLS IN NEW YORK


PATHETIC, SAD AND IGNORANT (A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS)

I try not to get too involved with politics because it's nothing anybody will speak about in a real and concise manor. Nobody gets together and discuses anything, instead they fight and argue and try to center their party to be ruler of the universe. Our political system is so corrupt, so devoid of anything besides theft, bribery, collusion and so on that it only represents the worst in who we are.

However watching this whole business about a Mosque being built near Ground Zero and the incredible amount of ignorant hysteria around it sickens me. Let's clear something up right now, let's just set it in stone so we can move on. The Muslim Religion had nothing to do with 9/11, nothing at all. If you have even a general idea of what Qur'an is or what it's about you'll know that a Jihad is both a war of faith and a practice to combat oppression against the Muslim religion.

If it has a war ideal to it, it's fighting against other soldiers and people who create violence against the Muslims. Killing thousands of innocent people is not what the Muslims are about, it was a bastardization of the meaning by a war mongering political faction.

Sound familiar?

We in this country have oppressed, destroyed, fought and killed over our idea of Religion being the correct one for hundreds of years. What is the difference between George W Bush and Osama Bin Laden? Well, both are spoiled rich kids handed a huge leadership they then used for personal gain. Both have poisoned the idea of faith and religion for political reasons and both send others to die in a war they started. Not to mention both have killed thousands in the name of their persona beliefs. However if a church was refused in a Muslim community America would shit itself.

Moving away from all the political semantics there was no actual Mosque to be built anywhere fucking near Ground Zero. First of all it was a (approx) 15 story community center with a Mosque in it. It would also have a culinary school, after school programs and other community based things open to everybody. If all races and creeds are there when exactly are the people crammed into the top floors worshiping their God going to train terrorist soldiers? The entire idea is ludicrous.

The building is also going to be about five blocks from Ground Zero not on it so lets at least get the facts straight. According to a few news reports there is a full fledged Mosque even closer to Ground Zero that's been there undisturbed for longer than the Twin Towers were around. Let's face it folks, the terrorists have won because we are no longer America.

Every hillbilly redneck who is protesting this Mosque or any person that believes it is disrespectful has basically shit all over what America is supposed to be about and the memories of every soldier that died for the ideals of America and the flag. If we are now so terrified that we can begin dictating what can be done in the name of prayer we're no longer America and 9/11 has done it's job for the terrorists.

Trying to hide this fear behind a respect issue could be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Does that mean certain parts of the world should kick out all the Catholics because of the Crusades? Should the world fear America because we believe in a God that has caused more harm and death than any other? No, of course not because those who have done that don't represent our God correctly.

Much like the terrorists and the Muslims.

Americans love to get on a kick about how fucked up it is that everybody blames all of America because of the actions of a few e.g. racial murders, swindles that rob people of everything they have, etc. Aren't we doing the EXACT SAME THING. Are we so blind and stupid we can't even see that? We've taken a request to build a Community Center with a Mosque in it five blocks from Ground Zero and treated it as if these people wanted to build 70 foot posters of Osama Bin Laden right where the buildings fell.

I lived in NYC most of my life and I was there when the attacks happened. The way we reacted, the sense of us vs them, the nationalism that crept in over night was embarrassing. I remember certain idiots burning down delis and stores owned by families from India because they thought they were Muslims. It wasn't a time of great unity, for the most part it was utterly horrific how people responded.

I'm not a Republican or a Democrat so you can shut that shit down right now. I don't blame Republicans or the right because those who hold close to that party are delusional soldiers who live to take orders and obey no matter what the reality is. The Democrats are pussies, little bitches who talk a big game and then don't do shit. As Lewis Black says our two party system is basically a big bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

Before anybody tries to throw the "you didn't lose anybody" card let me squash that beef right now. My father died of AIDS, a violent, horrific disease that invokes nearly as much ignorance, violence and terror as the idea of terrorists moving into the city. I've had people from all religions tell me my father was burning in hell, that God killed him because he deserved to die, that AIDS was God's way of purifying our world.

Those specific people I want to beat to death with a pipe however if people not like that who still followed those Religions wanted to build a church near me I wouldn't call it disrespectful. I'm not a dick or hateful to people with faith because of a few assholes. See what I'm saying?

America needs to shit or get off the pot. We have two choices left and the time to make that choice is now. We either aspire to be the America we say we are or we don't. To be the America we say we are then we take the high road always. We believe in Freedom Of Speech even if we don't like what we hear, we don't take political or Armed Forces shortcuts, we always do what's right, just and considerate of all people.

That way will lead to attacks from those who think it's weak, to people who will exploit our high road and use it against us, it won't be easy. However if we did it then we would be that shining example and other countries would take up with us and a sense of brotherhood could emerge.

The other choice is to stay 'Merica, that good old boy redneck ideal that we have now. We keep doing all the underhanded, ignorant, violent shit we always have done but we own up to it. Instead of pretending we're a shining example and then really being underhanded scum (which is why so many hate us) at least if we came clean we'd be honest. I'd hate to live here but at least the hypocrisy would be gone.

I'll fight, kill and die for America but 'Merica can kiss my ass. I don't want to be from a place that dictates who can be in love and be married, that apologizes to BP for being treated harshly after they released a natural disaster the likes of which we may never recover from fully. I have no interest in a place where teachers, policemen and fireman are losing their jobs while mammoth corporations proven guilty of theft hand out big bonuses. Why would I want to fight for a place where anything can set off a chain reaction of violence and ignorance?

And why would I be proud of a country that keeps people from being able to worship in times when faith is all a lot of people have?

America dies a little more each day and 'Merica grows stronger. If 'Merica continues to progress the way it has then how far from another Nazi movement are we really?

70'S KIDS REMAKES PART I: KING KONG



I don't know what this is but it looks real to me and as a child of the seventies it shattered my nostalgia bone instantly. I had those exact same clothes, that hair, all of that shit and I spent time with my friends (yeah I had some then, crazy right) acting out movies we liked. Granted we didn't have the forward thinking of this bunch but it was still cool.

The 70s Kids is a group of kids from the era who remade films they loved, the same way I did when I was young. I'm going to present all of them here starting with King Kong. Dig it!!

You Got Michael Cera In My Keanu Reeves!!!



I know, it's blasphemous but I didn't like the Matrix, never have and I never will. People got so amped up by the super original plot but if you really look at it The Matrix is a slightly skewed version of Terminator. Machines take over, life sucks. I was also not impressed by the slow bullets and harnesses labeled by so many as the brilliant effects. Perhaps my most inflamed criticism of the movie was how even though they desperately needed Keanu Reeves to help them and to get involved Laurence Fishburne spoke to him in riddles through the entire film. I never could figure that plot point out. Anyway I got shit for not liking that and I got shit for my thoughts on Scott Pilgrim. Here they are together again!!

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: THIS SITUATION SUCKS!!!



Everybody has been forced to become familiar with The date rapist douche bag living cartoon Situation, one of the cast members of vile sewer abortions mate and drink The Jersey Shore. For those unaware (and how I envy you) The Jersey Shore is another of MTV's attempts to reduce humanity to blathering idiots via a reality show about Guidos and Guidettes showing off their muscles and acting like the mentality handicapped moose shits they are.

Apparently The Situation, a nickname for Mikey Bagga Donuts or whatever this cunts name is, will earn 5 million dollars this year because...well....um.....nobody is really sure. Yep this guy has awesome abs, he just can't spell that word. He has great hair but if you asked him about the Tortoise And The Hare he'd start freaking out thinking there was a turtle on his head. This guy is like the male Paris Hilton, a complete waste of sperm and egg that has tapped into the stupidity of America and the ability for the Corporation Shitbags to capitalize on it.

This dink earning a lump of cash for the second season of the show seems reasonable in the fucked up world we live in as does his new workout video given that The Situation can't seem to keep his shirt on. I figure it's like any other kind of evil. When we all get too close to realizing what a living cunt bag of ignorance and stupidity he is the shirt comes up to blind the people of that reality.

Where I start to come unglued is the fact that this guy is getting acting roles in movies. Um, has anybody seen the show? The Situation can't hold a conversation or speak in straight sentences for more than maybe eight seconds. What's he going to do in a movie besides take his shirt off? My personal favorite is his autobiography titled....get this...."Here's The Situation". HOLY SHIT is that clever. He must've pulled the one muscle he doesn't use to come up with that fucking awesome play on words. First of all just because this moron became famous doesn't make his life interesting. I can just imagine how it'll read:

"So like y'know me and Tony B. were like lookin' for hooes and shit and like I was amped cause it was fuckin summer and shit and like I had my shirt off and my muscles were ripped like Rambo and shit. So I was drunk and shit and fuckin Tony B saw this fuckin bitch slut we used ta know so we like got the hooer drunk and then fucked her. At one point Tony B had her from behind and shit and I walked up and slapped his ass. That bitch was none the wiser"


Well I'm probably being generous but it seems close enough. I also love the idea of a guy who can't read writing a book. Do you get a six figure salary for submitting something in crayon? Is this a choose your own adventure book where you decide if The Situation works his abs or his triceps? This is the world we live in folks, this is the world we've created for ourselves. I can't wait for the rising of the Old Ones or 2012.

Oh and Situation I'm not a hater I am THE HATER.

So from the bottom of my chubby, black, hate filled heart

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS

Monday, August 23, 2010

STRAIGHT OUTTA NASHVILLE!!



The folks over at BOING BOING hipped me to this amazing mashup by a guy named DJ Topcat.

Check it out by clicking HERE

A FILM UNFINISHED TRAILER



Usually this blog is mostly for me to be snarky, grumpy and downright mean. However sometimes something comes along that is too important for all of that. A Film Unfinished is just such a movie. The documentary deals with a discovered reel of the Nazi propaganda machine. Thus far most of the Nazi footage we've seen is inside the death camps but this reel is a different kind of horror, a deeper lie than we've known before. Here's the trailer:



The Nazi's not only slaughtered millions of innocents and through that action destroyed lives of people still living today, they hoped to try and turn the world against those they slaughtered through misinformation and lies. In a time when this same kind of deceit is being used to insight panic against a simple Community Center being planned "near" Ground Zero I think this film is something we all need to see.

You Know What's Great About All The New X-Men First Class News----NOTHING!!



Recently Bryan Singer called name dropping douche bag sellout bitch film guy Harry Knowles to chat all about the super neato groovy bullshit that's going to make X-Men: The First Class good even though it doesn't have shit to do with the actual first class of the X-Men. First we learned that Kevin Bacon will play Sebastian Show the leader of the Hellfire Club. We also learned this is a Silver Age movie and that the costumes will be more comic bookish. Yep those little tidbits mean that even though Jean Grey, Cyclops, and Iceman won't be in the movie it'll be an asshole puckered good time.

Let me add a wrinkle.

Having listened to this whole run down of nifty idea I have to say FUCK YOU that I'm a little confused as to why this means anything. First off who cares who Kevin Bacon plays, secondly Sebastian Shaw and The Hellfire Club first appeared in 1980. Exactly how the FUCK does that have anything to do with the Silver Age at all? With a non Silver Age villain and X-Men who weren't confined just to Silver Age how exactly is this a silver age movie again?

Oh right, I forgot, the costumes will be nifty and more comic bookish. Well sew my cock and sprinkle my ass with butter I'm sold. A total lack of understanding of the characters, involvement in a Silver Age movie by mostly non-Silver Age heroes and being directed by the hack bitch who gave us Kick Ass---that can all be undone by cool ass costumes. Case closed, this one is gonna ROCK!!!

As for Bryan Singer being involved I understand completely that I am in the minority here. I felt the first X-Men was boring as shit and the second one was okay at best. I realize I'm one of the few people on planet Earth that doesn't grab the KY and start jerking when those movies are mentioned but I'm not so having Bryan Singer involved doesn't mean anything. Plus he's not directing, he's producing, which doesn't mean much.

If they wanted to have a Silver Age X-Men movie then why not have it with the Silver Age X-Men and their villains and so on. Why go this ridiculous route of cramming this full of shit to market and then try to sell it as a Silver Age movie. Much like the Spider-Man reboot, Thor, Captain America and the upcoming Avengers, this is a movie be design, something built by bean counters, a marketing team and the Research And Development people. It's another in a long line of superhero movies done by committee.

Friday, August 20, 2010

TOP 5 NEWS ITEMS I DON'T CARE ABOUT 8/20/2010



I've been away for awhile mainly due to me new job, which is cool but doesn't allow me much time to write or do anything fun. Damn that being a grown up bullshit. Anyhoo over the past week so much has gone down and a good deal of it I don't give a flying fuck about at all. Being that I like to tell people about things I don't care about here are the Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About.





5. Matthew Lillard Might Be In Scream 4

Not only do I not care about Matthew Lillard but I don't give a shit about this movie. Scream was the beginning of the end for good horror movies and the two sequels sucked so bad it was hard to believe they weren't making it up as they went along. One of my least favorite parts of Scream was Lillard and one of my most favorite things was watching his fucking career implode. I hated his date rapist smile, his laugh, anything about him made me sick.

Scream 4 has been beset by so many problems I'm sure Bob and Harvey Weinstein are trying to drum up whatever rumors and bullshit they can to keep interest alive. Think about it, Neve Campbell (who I still want to fuck for some reason) hasn't done shit for years and even SHE doesn't want to come back for the 4th movie. I hope Matthew Lillard isn't in Scream 4 because the whole fucking thing gets shut down.






4. JUMPER Might Get A Sequel


Oh well thank God because if ever a movie deserved a sequel it was this worthless sci-fi shitpile. The movie jumped out of theaters faster than the hero in the movie (played by Hayden Christiensen--the guy who ruined Darth Vader) and the one silver lining was that there would be no sequel. NOPE, the slime cunts over at Fox are clamoring for a franchise since Percy Jackson and The A-Team tanked hard over the summer. I guess a franchise is so important that sequels to miserable failures are being considered. Good time for people to start talking about Jaws 5.





3. Early Buzz Says David Fincher's "The Social Network" Is Really Good

Okay first of all David Fincher hasn't done anything that hasn't sucked ass since Fight Club (Zodiac was boring and Benjamin Buttons was furiously awful) so hearing his movie about the rise of Facebook starring The Other Michael Cera does nothing to motivate me to see this movie. A movie about Facebook? Fuck yourself.






2. Twilight Eclipse Director To Direct Wolverine Sequel

Well of course. I mean heebee geebee and pork my sister who else to helm a violent action movie based on the classic Frank Miller series than a guy who fucked around with sexy vampires and buff werewolves. Why not have the director of The Switch helm the next Batman movie. Who cares? Hollycunt sure doesn't.






1. DC Animated Release Their Shorts On Disc

Let me see if I have this right, just so I'm clear. DC Animated has taken three of the shorts already available on their earlier animated releases, combined it with one twelve minute short titled The Return Of Black Adam featuring Shazam and Superman and will sell it for $30 (more for bluray). Um....okay, does anybody see that as an incredible amount of bullshit? Who is going to pay $30 for four shorts and what about those who bought the movies? They get a 12 minute short f0 $30? Oh, oh wait I see, there's 2.5 hours of extras. That's like head that ends before you cum. Smooth move DC Animated, no wonder you fuckers are failing.

Apparently Mephisto Is Directing The Spider-Man Reboot



I only say that because according to sources deep within the bloody, puss filled womb of Hollywood say that Peter Parker's love interest in the upcoming Spider-Man waste of fucking time movie reboots won't be Mary Jane. The only way this will work is if the filmmakers step up and make her Gwen Stacey even though I Gwen Stacey wasn't really in Peter's High School days. Perhaps it'll tie in with X-Men: First Class which also has nothing to do with that which it says it does.

The casting for the coveted "love interest" part has been a cavalcade of people nobody knows or gives a shit about. Teresa Palmer (The Sorcerers Apprentice), Emma Roberts (Scream 4), Imogen Poots (???) and a bunch of others have read with Andrew Garfield the boy and incredibly WRONG casting choice playing Peter Parker/Spider-Man in the reboot. I think it'd be cool if they never did this eliminated the whole love thing. Sure introduce the female characters but let Spider-Man just be an action film for once.

FINALLY!! A Tattoo I Want To Get



This tattoo design done by artist Scott Derby that I stole from Topless Robot could be the coolest fucking thing I've seen in a long time, especially tattoo wise. If anybody wants to tattoo it on me for free and lives in the Ohio area let me know because I am DOWN!!

Putting The ASS Back in AVENGERS ASSEMBLE



Okay look I'm not a big fan of the Disney XD animation style, this fake Japanime/American bullshit which makes everybody look like your viewing them through a prism and have lower jaws you could wrench somebody free from a car with. So when the Avengers cartoon was announced I figured it just wasn't something I would care about, much like the upcoming movie. Well that all changed today when I saw the trailer. Watch the whole thing, seriously, wait for the theme song.




ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING?

What bunch of geezer yahoo suit wearing asshole Hollywood scumbags thought that this song would appeal to anybody? I can't even begin to think of a target audience this would target. Not even the kids who think Avenged Sevenfold is a good band would warm up to this shit. Well, at least it's good for a laugh.

Xavier's Community College For Gifted Youngster



Apparently in the new ass pumping shit storm of Hollywood afterbirth X-Men movie X-MEN: fuck you fans THE FIRST CLASS the one big change is that there will be open enrollment, much like the community college I now attend. See in my understanding of the X-Men series (and really who the fuck am I besides a 30 year deep comic reader) Professor X originally only had certain people involved in order to keep the secret. Angel, Iceman, Jean Grey, Cyclops and Beast. The rest of the onslaught were brought in later when times got tough.

Well HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and BEND OVER fans because the movie has every fucker you'd want dancing around in what was supposed to be the "beginning" of the X-Men. Here's the newest honor roll:

• January Jones as Emma Frost
• Zoe Kravitz as Angel (Don't know about that, wasn't Angel a guy?)
• Jason Flemyng as Azazel
• Michael Fassbender as Magneto
• James McAvoy as Professor X
• Nicholas Hoult as Beast
• Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique
• Caleb Landry Jones as Banshee
• Lucas Till as Havoc
• Edi Gathegi as Darwin (Uh, who?)
• Rose Byrne as Moira MacTaggert
• Kevin Bacon as most likely Mr. Sinister
• Oliver Platt as the "Man in Black"

I am hoping that perhaps they might just consider casting Cyclops, Jean Grey and Iceman sometime SOON since they were actually there for the beginning. Does anybody care about any of this shit or am I spinning my wheels for no goddamn reason?

I hate everything

2 + 5 = FUCKING AWESOME MONSTER TRAILER



Or at least that's what I think. Here's the skinny on the new alien invasion movie Monsters. Essentially this is really cool looking film made with seven people. Yep, that's right Hollywood fuckers, seven people. Two stars and five crew members were the people on hand to make this film. Everybody else I'm assuming dedicated their time or worked for free. Here's the synopsis:

Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life forms began to appear and grow. In an effort to stem the destruction that resulted, half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain the massive creatures... Our story begins when a jaded US journalist (McNairy) begrudgingly agrees to find his boss' daughter, a shaken American tourist (Able) and escort her through the infected zone to the safety of the US border.


and here's the trailer:



I don't know about you but to me this looks like some really good shit. I hope all the Hollywood cunts out there who hire official ass scratchers and ball washers for every film at 100,000 a pop are seeing what can be done with very little except maybe an original story and some fucking talent.

HOLY BATSHIT--DC Does Something Else Stupid



Yeah you're not going blind, nor has anybody put acid in your toothpaste, this has been making the rounds as the cover for Brightest Day #13, which would make perfect sense. Why would it make perfect sense, well let me tell you. The first part is that DC has fucked up not only the death of Bruce Wayne but also his Return. Mostly they've done this by handing it to hack "writer" and Alan Moore wanna-be Grant Morrison.

On top of all that Brightest Day so far has been so fucking ho-hum that I use it as opposed to jerking off in order to feel relaxed before a nice hot shower. So since DC has basically not just screwed the pooch but got her pregnant, beat her and made her pay for the abortion, why not fuck it with returning Bruce Wayne as the White Lantern. The Dark Knight as the White Lantern, holy raping get down fuckabout DC are some deep bitches.

I hate everything

Saturday, August 14, 2010

EXPENDABLES -- MY REVIEW



I grew up in the greatest era for action movies ever, the 80s. I got Rambo, Commando, Die Hard, Predator, Delta Force, Above The Law, all the best action films came out for me between the ages of 14 and 19. Reaching back into that time comes The Expendables a high octane, rollicking and violent , mantastic super action film from Rambo himself Sylvester Stallone.

The story centers around a group of mercenaries who decide to defend a small country against an evil Dictator and a drug lord. Sure it's flimsy but who cares, The Expendables is a really good time.

The thing I like is that all the cliches are pushed right in your face in a very unapologetic way. Stallone and his co-writer must have watched every action movie they could find and listed every touchstone to each movie. Then they checked off these cliches as they wrote them into The Expendables. Even the characters are really action movie cliches come to life. In all of these movies you need the following:

The leader who has seen too much blood and lost too much so he tries to keep everyone at arms length: Stallone

The 2nd in command who is the same as the leader when it comes to guts but he's trying to be more of a normal guy and is more modern in what he does: Jason Statham

The high energy comic relief: Jet Li

The weapons obsessed guy: Terry Crews

The weirdo kind of crazy guy: Randy Couture

The ex-member, the guy who knows The Leader best and has seen so much blood shed he had to leave the life: Mickey Rourke

The turncoat: Dolph Lundgren

So that's the mercenary group. Add Eric Roberts as the FBI guy gone rogue and turned drug lord, Steve Austin as his cold blooded back up and Giselle Ltie as the incredibly hot woman looking to fight the oppressive system she's stuck in and her guts and honor in turn melts The Leader's cold heart. With those cliches set in stone Stallone then moves on to the plot cliches.

Jason Statham has a woman who leaves him for another man because even though she loves him he's "never there". Of course the guy she goes to is a wife abusing asshole so Statham beats the shit out of him. There's the "soul searching" scene where Stallone needs to know what to do so Mickey Rourke tells him a sad war story to show him the way. The cliches keep going on and on.

Nobody checks into a movie like The Expendables expecting anything but bloodshed and Stallone realizes that. The movie basically says "Yeah we know all your favorite action stuff and here it is". The action is so over the top and the fights so cool I was actually laughing at how fun it all was.

Of course the dialog is corny and filled with tough guys making little quips at each other as well as "we're brothers forever" parts and the whole tough guy alpha male bonding thing. Sure it makes no sense that the girl from this war torn little country strife with poverty has perfect teeth and gorgeous skin. Yes the movie asks us to buy five guys against an army. That's what these movies do.

The plot is mainly a way to push us into the next action parts so it doesn't even come close to making anything that could charitably be called sense. The way I figure it this is Eat Pray Love but for guys. Everything guys want in an action movie with very little filler.

To let you know the big scene with Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger together lasts about 7 minutes and shouldn't be a selling point for the film. Schwarzenegger looks bad, especially next to Willis and Stallone who've stayed in shape for the movies while he got fat on the Republicans money. The scene is cute but didn't need to be in the movie.

Do you care about any of these people? No. Do any of the characters develop beyond a two dimensional point? No. Who cares though, none of the characters did in the eighties films either. People who say The Expendables is stupid or start bitching about the script clearly just don't get it. This is nothing but popcorn flick escapism and it's nice to see it done with such unabashed honesty. Stallone knows exactly what this film is and he seems wicked proud of it. For me, at least for two hours, I was 16 again without a care in the world except what would blow up next.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD -- MY REVIEW



For the few of those who read this blog and those who know me it's no secret that I am not a Scott Pilgrim fan. I disliked the comic, I hated the hype and the media blitz for the new movie sickened me. That being said I decided when asked to go see the movie to approach it with an open mind.

I figured it would be good practice for dealing with something I can't stand in as unbiased a way as possible. I must say the opening of the film, where the Universal logo and music are done in eighties video game style, is incredibly endearing. I felt good going in.

To my shock I didn't hate Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, though I wouldn't be able to recommend it one hundred percent. It's an interesting thing in the movie because that which makes it so good ultimately defeats it. For those unaware this is the story of Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera), a young man who meets the girl of his dreams Ramona Flowers(Mary Elizabeth Winstead), falls in love with her and then must fight her seven evil exes to have her.

The movie is shot in a hyper-realistic style that is very clever. Everything that goes on has visual cue attached to it e.g. when the phone rings or the doorbell rings there's text on screen representing the sound. It's a thick combination of video game meets comic book.

When it works the stuff is brilliant. The fight scenes are amazing both in visual style and choreography. I found myself completely engrossed in the battle and wanting them to continue for longer. When a person is "killed" in a fight they turn into coins, people get kicked through walls, thrown into buildings, there's psychic powers, a bass off, and all ratcheted up with video game style graphics bending heavy towards Legends Of Zelda.

The problem with the film is that it's too clever, it never calms down enough to just tell the story of two kids in love. The heightened visuals and quick cut editing don't end with the fights, they go through the entire film. Close your eyes and imagine every single thing that lights up, beeps, rings in a video game combined with the graphics that always pop up and lay it into a feature film. It's distracting as hell.

It would seem that if the story of the film had been shot as a normal story that the fights and other elements would have been that much more powerful. The constant visual and audio quirks also overpower the actors so you're left with living set pieces moved around instead of characters you get to know or care about.

The overload of visuals and sound hurls so much at the audience myself and several others felt a movie that clocks in around 1:45 was twenty minutes too long. It also doesn't help that for some reason the final fight is incredibly anti-climactic.

Director Edgar Wright does a lot to save the movie because he's just a great director. He knows how to get the most out of actors and their scenes together. Even with visuals, sound and editing chewing up the scenes Wright manages to get some amazing moments between Pilgrim, Flowers, Pilgrim's jilted girlfriend Knives Chau and Wallace Wells Pilgrim's gay roommate (brilliantly played by Kieran Culkin).

Casting wise Michael Cera was the wrong choice to play Scott Pilgrim. I always thought of Pilgrim as a geek with enthusiasm, a kid with issues but a go-go Gadget sense of himself. Cera (once again) plays his part as the stammering, unsure, goofy loser. Perhaps that is one way to go but Cera over does so much that when the fights begin you don't believe at all he'd even try this much less be good at it.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is fucking gorgeous, heart stopping beautiful in this film. However she plays Flowers as such a cold bitch I spent more time wondering why Pilgrim would fight for her than rooting him on in his quest. I had the same problem with the books as well but even there Flowers seemed a little kinder than Winstead plays her.

Not to drown in the negative lets get back to Kieran Culkin who steals every single scene he's in, sometimes with just a look or a word. He is the best thing about the film, hands down. Funny, charming and even manages to flesh out his character, something the others can't do against all the quirks. The other surprise breakout here is Ellen Wong as Knives Chau. She absolutely breaks your heart as the jilted ex and floods you with memories of being that young and awkward in dealing with love.

Overall Scott Pilgrim Vs The World isn't bad but it's never ending need to remind us how clever it is holds it back from being great as does the casting of the two leads who fail to make their characters people we care about and in some instances even like. I will concede that I had to let go my problems with the "witty banter" that replaces actual dialog in the film because this isn't one hundred percent a film for me.

I remember seeing The Breakfast Club with my friend and his dad and the dad asking why the cursed so much and us rolling our eyes. I also remember seeing Singles and having a woman behind me ask her daughter "What does 'not in an Eddie Hascal kind of way' mean? Why can't I understand what they're talking about." I thought the movie made perfect sense but the film was made for me and my generation.

Scott Pilgrim is a film for the generation right behind me and it seems that's how they like their dialog. In the end while I can't recommend Scott Pilgrim Vs The World as worth a full priced movie ticket I can say it's a good DVD or matinee movie choice.

Friday, August 13, 2010

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: THIS FUCKING KID



I've never been one to champion crib death nor have I been big on beating children to a bloody, broken, mess but this kid might just change all that. I don't know what laboratory decided to splice the genes for precocious with douche but man did they make a fucking hybrid child-thing that sucks all kinds of fucking ass. I hate this kid, I hate him worse than Armond White and that's saying something. Watch this video of him reviewing movies and tell me I'm wrong.



That three minute segment took me half an hour to get through because I kept having to stop long enough to throw rocks at little kids riding by on bicycles. Where did they dig up this fucking cunt. Seriously? Inception we should wait for until DVD because it's "confusing" but let's all run out to see Ramona And Beezus or Beeble or whatever the fuck it is and Salt because it's fantastic.

Fuck this kid, fuck him and please somebody chop his goddamn hands off so he stops talking with them. When I was that age I liked shitty movies but mainly the ones on Cinemax late at night that I was jerking off to. Perhaps I'm wrong, maybe he's not real, maybe this kid is a lost robot from the Jim Henson camp, yeah that could be it.

They built a cutey pie kid with kooky teeth but he got struck by lightening and came to life. However instead of being annoyingly cute like Johnny 5 this kidbot decided to go down a douchier road. Doesn't this kid have parents or did they abandon him like anybody else would once he learned to talk. Good luck getting laid kid. Even a crack whore on a two day withdrawal bend and no feet would rather wallow in her life than come near you.

Seriously kid, suck my ass it smells.

DAYDREAM NATION Trailer aka KAT DENNINGS IS HOT




I don't know much about Daydream Nation other than it's named after a Sonic Youth album I really like. Based on the trailer I'd say it'll either be completely fascinating or some indie jerk-off waste of time. It's getting harder and harder to tell these days what indie films won't suck. I'll mainly go see it because I love me some Kat Dennings. Some don't see it but for me she is flaming eye scorching blazingly attractive. Here's the trailer.

SECRET ORIGINS: THE STORY OF DC COMICS TRAILER


I don't know how much you'll actually learn about DC and some of the shady shit they've done in the past in this documentary but it still looks cool. It's not out until November 9th but DC has released a trailer. Dig it.

SUPERMAN/BATMAN APOCALYPSE TRAILER



I'm about as done as I can be with the whole DC Animated let's-rehash-shit ideal. There are so many cool ideas and titles that get cut or canceled so what? So that they can keep giving us Superman/Batman titles? I don't like this story mainly because it's Jeph Loeb and he has done far more damage than his run on The Long Halloween or Superman For All Seasons can forgive. Don't believe me? Check both his craptastic run on Wolverine and how he ruined The Hulk for proof.

In this movie Apocalypse decides to get back at Superman through the newly discovered Supergirl. From the look of the Supergirl costume when she's under the Apocalypse spell it seems his great and evil plan is Space Pimping. I have no interest in seeing this even with my great crush Summer Glau performing the voice. DC released a trailer, here it is.



Superman/Batman Apocalypse hits on September 28th.

Like OMG CTHULHU Is Like Totally Fucking Hot Bitches



I don't know who the guys who put this together are but it's pretty funny and anything having to do with Cthulhu is awesome to me. The best part is hearing the story recited by the kind of person I'd want the Old Ones to awaken and stop the fuck out of existence. Dig it.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Anyone Else Been On The When Harry Met Sally Ride?



I don't know where this sling shot ride is but if you recognize it don't take your lady there unless you're supercock 13" and aren't afraid of a giant machine making your girl realize what she's been missing. Then again this chick could be such a slut it takes a whole machine to make her come or she's faking. Either way it's hysterical.



I love that her boyfriend said "Are you serious" and that this chick confesses the sling shot orgasm beats his all to hell. The line for this thing must be around the block.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

FINALLY!!! A True Ohio Standard Gets A Movie



When I moved down to Ohio I was told that several things would happen. First I'd get a really close up idea of what Road Kill Performance Art really looked like. Second I'd learn that when driving a turn signal is a sign of weakness. Third I was told I'd fall in love with Skyline chili. I didn't fall in love with Skyline Chili because it tastes like meat gravel but I quickly learned not to share that opinion with anybody.

Now it seems that Hollywood has caught up to the chili craze in the midwest and are making a movie all about this beloved Ohio staple. I'm not sure exactly how a whole movie on chili is gonna work out unless they throw in some Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Soylent Green ideology in there. Let's view the trailer:



Wait just a GODDAMN minute, that's not about chili, that's about aliens. Well fuck it all to hell doesn't that suck for Ohio!! Unless, well, maybe it's about aliens who bought Skyline Chili and got so fucking ripping pissed they decided to attack. Those might be giant blue shit bombs released on the world.

Could this be the bump Ohio needs?

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Hey Kids Here's ANOTHER Reason To Hate The Green Lantern Movie



Sometimes being right sucks ass, sometimes it just isn't enough to know you called something from the word go but I am and I did. From the second Ryan Reynolds was cast as Green Lantern I said this movie was going to be fucking horrible. The next move, showing us the Disco Inferno Green Lantern costume, proved even further I was right and now, now they've really done it. Check out the first image of Killawog from the new movie.



Um, what the fuck is that? I've been reading Green Lantern pushing up on twenty years now and this deformed mutant thing that looks like some kind of abortion had by Falcor from The Neverending Story doesn't look anything like Kilawog. Awesome now they've gone and fucked up one of the key characters to Green Lantern. Kilawog is hardcore tough guy drill sergeant not some wide eyed cutesy character. Thanks Hollywood, thanks for the fresh ass filled with worm infested Sata jizz. God I fucking hate you people.

Leave my stuff alone, go fuck with somebody elses stuff. Do more 3D dance movies, relationship films, let Drew Barrymore say "magical" and whine and bitch in some romance film, but leave my stuff the fuck alone. You don't get it, you don't understand it, you just fucking make it worse.

I hate everything

DON'T LOOK, SERIOUSLY, I'VE OFFENDED EVEN MYSELF NOW!!


Careful Elliot that might not be his finger.

Okay punks, you looked, you looked and now you have to share in the evil with me. I don't want to burn alone for this so I must let you know I got it from TOPLESS ROBOT so don't blame ME!! I don't know what to say about it at all, nothing, for the first time I'm fucking speechless.



Time to burn the retinas out.

Monday, August 9, 2010

This Is An AVENGERS Movie I'd Love To See



I don't know who did this or how but this fan made 1952 serial trailer for an Avengers movie could be the coolest fucking thing EVER!! I wish this was real more than anybody could possibly know. DIG IT!!




FUCK IS THAT COOL!! Sorry I've been away, it's been slow and I started a new job but I'll be back up ASAP.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

AND NOW FOR NO REASON: NERD RAP RANT




The only thing about this I hate is that I didn't think of it first! FUCKERS!!



SOOO GOOOOD!!

Top Ten Things I Love About THE AVENGERS Trailer


Here's An AVENGERS movie I'd see.


So after holding onto it like virginity on prom night the Hollywood slime factory finally released the completely banal Avengers trailer. Nothing happens in this trailer, nothing at all. I don't mean kinda nothing or there's not a lot of action I mean fucking NOTHING. Releasing this is like promising a kid a dog for Christmas and then letting the kid find out he's not getting one because the parents forgot to take the dog toys and bowls out from under the tree. Yeah my parents did that to me and it sucks ass. In the spirit of fairness I really analyzed this trailer and found ten things I love about it. Here's the trailer.




10. Avengers is spelled correctly.

09. Robert Downey JR's smug cunt face isn't in it.

08. That "A"...wow that "A" is pretty nifty

07. It's black and black goes with everything

06. Sam Jackson does Sam Jackson, I was afraid if he stretched his acting beyond redoing Jules from Pulp Fiction again and again the Earth would crack in half.

05. The Avengers name spins around, very cool.

04. The wrongly cast guy from Captain America ain't in it.

03. The guy who looks too bored to be Thor ain't in it.

02. There was no cum shot

01. There's no release date on it so maybe these fuckers will give on this godforsaken abortion now.

Could This Be A Reason DC Animated Is Failing?


I figured this is better then an ad for the movie AND she plays Supergirl


On the DVD for Batman Under The Red Hood there was a ten or so minute mini-documentary on the upcoming Superman/Batman Apocalypse movie. Now I'm as big a fan of the "A" man as anybody and I'm also amped whenever Kevin Conroy works as Batman's voice but seriously, another fucking Jeph Loeb story? Seriously, I mean Christ even producer Bruce Timm looks ambivalent to this and longtime animated guru of awesome Andrea Romano is trying to sell it way too hard. Here's little documentary thing.



Other than the fact that I could watch Summer Glau do anything that whole bit of business is incredibly uninspired. First off the director looks like an extra from Beetlejuice with a Meth addiction and all she can say besides how great it is is how the artist draws the women really long? Hoo fuckin YAH does that inspire me to run out and buy this.

This could all stem from the fact that I hate Jeph Loeb because he fucked up Wolverine AND Hulk or it could be because this kind of rehash shit is what's keeping DC Animated down. They went from Batgirl Year One and Teen Titans The Judas Contract to this? Unless this comes with a Summer Glau naked pleasing herself easter egg you can pretty much count me out of this.

Monday, August 2, 2010

GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!



GODDAMN IT!!! I keep denying myself a blu-ray player by coming up with all kinds of reasons, mainly trying to hold out until Jaws is released on the mighty Blu-ray. I'm usually good at living with my decision until shit like this comes along. FIRST it was the fucking brilliant Aliens boxset and now it's the 25th Anniversary Goonies Set. I'm a huge Goonies fan, fucking enormous and this speaks right to the inner geek in me that has no idea what bills are or a budget is or who those folks calling ask to speak to Mr. Robinson about payments. Check this thing out



Not only does it have the ass kicking movie in blu-ray goodness it also comes with a ful board game, a souvenir magazine from 1985, A new Empire magazine with set photos and an update on the cast, storyboards, Commentary by director Richard Donner and all seven main cast members and who knows what else. I was bummed there was no Sloth figure, Chunk red jacket or Pinchers Of Peril but you can't have everything. View the majesty!!

Bigger On The Inside....But Doesn't Do Much



Okay so apparently Underground Toys has finally released the inside of Doctor Who's Tardis playset and while it looks cool it doesn't do shit. No sounds, no lights, it just sit there which sucks. Granted it looks cool but for $70 it should move and light up and all kinds of stuff. Sadly it doesn't but if anybody wants to buy me one I'll take it. Here's what it looks like




You can buy one at ENTERTAINMENT EARTH

AND NOW FOR NO REASON: THE OREGON TRAIL MOVIE TRAILER



Okay before the nerd revolution starts this isn't a real trailer for a movie based on a game (unlike the upcoming Monopoly and Battleship movies) but rather a fan trailer that's pretty goddamn funny. If you're familiar with the long running game then you'll be amped, if not then it won't be funny at all. Anyway, dig the trailer:

Thursday, July 29, 2010

YOGI BEAR Trailer is....Um.....ah fuck it



The only reason I'm showing this fuckwad bullshit abortion of a trailer is so that anybody who even remotely thought Bill Murray should trust Dan Akroyd on the Ghostbusters 3 movie can see now why he shouldn't. I never thought they could translate getting your nuts caught in a bear trap to video but this proves they can do it. Watch only if you have a sickness bag near you.




Look how proud Akroyd is of this piece of shit movie. Unless two interns are below the camera blowing him during the intro this jackoff is actually HAPPY!! Attention Dan Akroyd, you have now been forever removed from the artistic process. Go home, bang your wife, beat your kids, watch Blues Brothers, Neighbors and Ghostbusters and remember you used to have talent. Just don't make anymore fucking movies you cunt.

I HATE EVERYTHING

THE SHOGGOTHS Are Coming, The SHOGGOTHS Are Coming



Remember way back when Guiellmero Del Toro was going to do an At The Mountains Of Madness film but he didn't because he was brought onto the ill fated Hobbit movie? If not don't worry it doesn't matter, MGM is so fucking bankrupt they couldn't make car commercials much less The Hobbit. With The Hobbit stuck in turnaround Hell Del Toro was free to make a good movie and has decided to return to the HP Lovecraft classic tale.

I know those who remember will be a little unnerved remembering all the reports of changes the studio wanted made. It was to be set in modern times, not the thirties, it was to have a love interest, etc. Well worry no more because James Cameron has stepped in to produce the movie and he is one of the few that can a studio so fuck off and they will. Cameron wants Del Toro to stay 100% on point with the original text and that is awesome. Granted with Cameron on the film it'll be in 3-D but at least it'll be the really good 3-D.

SMALLVILLE Season 10 Trailer. It Ain't The Thor Footage.....


Oh what you wanted TOM WELLING with his shirt open?

I didn't get to go to San Diego Comic Con which is totally FUCKING BULLSHIT fine with me because to be honest I can't afford to go I'm too much of a comic purist to want to be part of something so obviously tainted by Hollywood unless somebody pays for me to go and all of its money hungry bullshit.

That understood I did a wrap up of what I thought was important and one of those things was Smallville. Well, here's the trailer for season 10 and it has some cool surprises. It's hard to get a wicked hard on for Smallville no matter what since it's sucked to bad for two years but hey I might watch it now, especially if they do get Lex Luthor to return.

THOR FOOTAGE...GET IT BEFORE IT GOES!!




Okay so not to waste time with writing a bunch of shit here's the Thor trailer that's been taken off line other places. No idea how long it'll be here.

TEEN GIRLS GET IT ON!!



GOTCHA!!

This may not be the Bill Hicks idea of the perfect Tiffany and Debbie Gibson video but it's pretty damn funny. As you may or may not know the Syphilis SyFy Channel is pairing the two eighties teen queens together in a movie titled Megapython Vs Gatoroid where they play I guess scientists who hate each other but have to cum come together to fight the two big bads. Outside of the fight my favorite is that Gatoroids sounds like a disease you'd catch drinking too Gatorade.

"Coach my ass really hurts and there are these weird puss filled sores!"

"Sounds like a bad case of Gatoroids!

Anyway here's the video

Monday, July 26, 2010

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #1: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE...FOR PHOTO OP



The biggest thing at Comic Con this year because the bullshit thing has NOTHING to do with comics it's the perfect time to talk about it was The Avengers movie. As you can see this was the first time all the folks in the film were in the same room and woo hoo what a fucking blast that must've been. So I could write about a bunch of shit but there's video so watch this instead.





Well if you made it through all that false fanfare and ass kissing you got to see Robert Downey cuntbag take another swipe at Chris Nolan (he did it before when Iron Man opened against the Dark Knight). You also got to see just how disingenuous these people are and how little any of this has to do with comic books.

WOO HOO FUCKING HOLLYWOOD

I HATE EVERYTHING