Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I Bring You The New Robert Zemeckis Film For A Different Reason


So Robert Zemeckis, the guy behind Roger Rabbit, the guy who can't stop playing with his motion control animated doohickey is back to helm yet another kiddie flick, this time based on the as-yet-unreleased book Dark Life from author Kat Falls. I bring this to you not because I give a shit what Zemeckis is doing but because the plot of this new book is so stupid I don't want to be alone in my hatred of it. I want to share this pain with you, that's the only way the voices in my fucking head will stop screaming.

The book takes place in "near-future" where rising Ocean levels and natural catastrophes have forced people to live underwater and some young people to develop superpowers. A "ocean boy" and a "surface girl" band together to uncover a government conspiracy.

WHAT!? That could be the stupidest fucking plot I've ever heard. First of all it's the "near-future" so my first question is how near in the future could it be that children have evolved to have superpowers? If it's not evolution then explain to me how natural disasters and rising ocean levels suddenly give kids superpowers. Oh and how in the "near future" did people manage to scramble together and execute a plan to live under the fucking ocean. World crumbling? Volcanos erupting? Earthquakes shaking the shit to it's core? Well then create an instant society at the bottom of the sea, no problem, fucking capitol idea. The best part of all of this is that with all of this destruction and end of the world shit going on there is still one Government for us to fight.

Jesus FUCK who approved this as a book? Better yet why would anybody want to make this into a movie.

I have an idea about a near future world where all children have duck bills and shit napalm which blows huge holes in the world that unleash dragons made of roast beef. To battle these beef dragons the great floppy fish of the ninth Kingdom of Circle Jerks And Fire Farts searches the land for the five greatest breakdancers ever in order to serve the dragons so many tasty moves they explode and feed the world forever.

I hate everything

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