Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Further Proof JOEL SCHUMACHER Needs To Be Killed

I'm sure we all agree that Schumacher's abysmal Batman movies are reason enough to beat him to death with a frozen salami but now the reasons go deeper. Apparently old Joel is a big fan of misogyny and hot men acting like cunts because now he has a whole fucking movie about them. This shitbomb, titled Twelve, features twink beauty queen Chace Crawford as a drug dealer, something we're supposed to believe because he has awesome facial hair.

It also stars a whole bevy of hot chicks acting like bitchy sluts and 50 Cent who walks around spouting drug dealer talk for no reason other than to have a bad guy I assume. There's also an appearance but uber douche bag ultra-cunt PC from that NYC Prep show. You want to have people AMPED on abortion, let them watch that show. Even the most fundamental christian right freak will be running the tips of unwound coat hangers over an open flame after 1 episode.

Moving on, Twelve is apparently some kind of super drug that everybody wants and then something else happens, oh and then another thing, and then like maybe...oh fuck it here's the trailer:

WAIT, I've got it!! Ohh very clever Mr. Schumacher, very clever indeed!! This is an Easter Egg movie, a film where you're supposed to find Twelve mind numbing cliches. I think I've found them:

12. Rich girl gets raped to show drugs are bad

11. Popular rap star whose star is declining plays drug dealer

10. Being rich and beautiful is often a curse

09. Super drug causes break down in otherwise good kids

08. Lots of quick cuts to parties when script runs out of ideas

07. There is an incredibly hot girl who sucks and we're supposed to feel bad when shit goes wrong

06. There's an incredibly hot good girl who we root for to change the incredibly hot central character

05. Lots of shadowy camera work to try and feel dark and "indie"

04. A strained relationship between hot central character drug dealer and Fiddy Cent turns violent

03. We're supposed to feel bad for the drug dealer main character because he's way hot and walks around all sad

02. The hot drug dealer main character gets sucked into dealing Twelve but realizes it's a bad thing (though the other drugs he's selling are not)

01. In a last ditch effort to save himself, his relationship with the hot good girl and get out of the life the hot dealer hatches a so-crazy-it-might-work-plan

I hate everything


  1. So it's Erica Christensen's sub-plot from Traffic mixed up with Bret Easton Ellis to give us another 'It's hard to be young and rich in manhattan' by way of Larry Clark Lite?
    I agree with you sir, this looks like suck salad.

  2. Why thank you Mr. Tim, your words are always a welcome thing here in the Crosshairs!