Verily, Verily, Verily, Verily, Life Is But A Dream: First Image Of Movie THOR

Not much to say on this because it's just one photo, though the folks who posted it claim there's a "galley" but that's bullshit. So here's Chris Hemsworth as Thor and I gotta say it looks pretty damn good. I still have my reservations on how the movie will translate the comic hero to film without sounding cheesy but if anybody can I'd bet Kenny Branagh cann pull it off.

The Second Who Gives A Shit Moment Of 2010: SCREAM 4

LOOK COURTNEY, THERE ARE OUR CAREERS, FLOATING AWAY!!


So here's the teaser poster an plot for Scream 4:




PLOT: Sid goes through these three horrendous things, and Stab [the film within the film] was based on those horrible things. And then they've been taken by a studio and run into the ground in a series of sequels. She has been off by herself and living her own life, and she's even written a book that has gotten a lot of critical acclaim. She's kind of put her life back together in the course of these 10 years. But, certainly, there would be no Scream without Ghostface, so she has to confront him again, but now as a woman who has really come out the darkness of her past.


The only thing the Scream movies ever did for me was allow me to live out the fantasy of Drew Barrymoore being violently murdered. Outside of that these movies sucked and are so dated in the 90s it's hard to watch them now. The very idea that somebody has called for another sequel is such a Who Gives A Shit moment I had to talk about it.

The Sequel Train Is Full Steam Ahead

So the Hollywood Cunt Slime are readying their sequel train to steamroll through our lives bringing (mostly) shitty returns to movies that weren't that good to begin with but made money. See Hollywood has really found itself the g-spot of money making, in other words if the movie watching world was a chick they've figured out where to lick so the bitch throws money at them. The licking here is that Hollywood knows people want to go to the movies, they love going to movies and if there aren't good films out they will take what they can get. Using that game plan the Hollywood Ass Whores continue to churn out shit, people keep going because they have no choice and BAM the money rolls in and the Hollywood Ass Whores point their grubby, nubbed, claws and say "It made money, it must be good" and the cycle begins again. Here are some sequel updates for those who care.


SUPERMAN

In what will probably be the last shot Hollywood has to get Superman right this new Chris Nolan shepherded, David Goyer helmed Superman is looking at a Christmas 2012 release. My fear with this is that Nolan & Goyer will make Superman too dark and take away the inherent optimism of the character. That being said they couldn't fuck up the movie any worse than Superman Returns or the other sequels to the brilliant Richard Donner film and I respect both men so I'm trying to be hopeful.


BATMAN 3

Might be filmed in Imax, is probably two years away and that is all anybody can say so far. I'm hoping that since Nolan says he's figured out how to wrap up his story with the third film they won't try to recast the Joker. For me I'd love to see a Crispin Glover Riddler or a Phillip Seymour Hoffman Penguin but I'd especially like it if Nolan worked in the Black Mask, one of the most underrated villains ever. For jerk off material give me an Evan Rachel Wood Catwoman.


FURY ROAD

As if this return to Mad Max wasn't already going to be a large steaming pile of maggot shit now it comes down that while the film is now forced into this bizarre 3D feeding frenzy it won't even be shot in 3D. Instead the producers will add "3D" effects in post production much the same way they did for Clash Of The Titans even though everybody said how awful that looked. It's insane, the 3D thing hasn't reached a fever pitch yet and already the Hollywood Cunts are cutting corners.


DISTRICT 9

According to Sharlto Copley this will happen in two years and could be a prequel. Hopefully this never happens ever. District 9 was the biggest batch of snake oil I've ever seen the world suck down. The film was a masochistic nonsensical badly written shit storm that could not figure out what it wanted to be and went from interesting to Michael Bay action-lame in less than an hour. The fact that people ate it up and started claiming how brilliant it was just proves people are stupid sheep.


ANCHORMAN 2

Apparently all the folks who became big movie stars post Anchorman have agreed to pay cuts if the movie is greenlit. Personally I don't care at all about this. Anchorman was cute but doesn't need a sequel, however if there is one then good for them, it doesn't offend me or make me happy. UPDATED: Apparently the movie studio passed on the project. Perhaps because Will Ferrell has been box office poison as of late.


CLASH OF THE TITANS 2

Yeah just in case you'd finished wiping the dried Hollywood Devil Jizz off your face, the throbbing warted cock of the Hollywood Devil is hard again and heading towards your mouth with an unnecessary sequel to a shitty movie. As Bill Hicks said: Sucking Satan's Pecker.



I stole this graphic from Screen Rant....so fucking sue me.

JONAH HEX Trailer....is anybody in Hollywood even fucking home?

So after months of speculation, bizarre rumors and then basic silence, the trailer for Jonah Hex has been released. So what does it do to alleviate the fears that this movie will suck huge amounts of anus? NOTHING!! Watch for yourself:

First of all this isn't Jonah Hex, let's be clear about that from the fucking get go. This is some paint-by-numbers cowboy revenge flick that they've slapped a scarred man into and claimed it was Jonah Hex. Nothing here has anything to do with Jonah Hex at all, at ALL!! First off Jonah did have a wife and son but years after he gets his scar. The wife also takes Jonah's kid and leaves, she's never killed off. Jonah isn't the on liner king and he doesn't have a "weapons specialist" who gives him updated artillery. This smacks more of a Western Punisher than Jonah Hex. Oh yeah and Jonah Hex doesn't have superpowers.

The worst part of all of this is that Jonah Hex's story would've made a kick ass movie. In the story Hex's father, an abusive drunk, sells Hex into slavery as a boy for safe passage through Apache territory. Hex saves the chief's life and becomes an honorary member. Then Jonah's ambushed and left for dead, loses a fiancee, gets accused of being a turncoat to the confederacy, shoots Stonewall Jackson and after all of that he returns to face the indian who ambushed him in a duel to the death.

The indian sabotages Jonah's tomahawk forcing Jonah to use a knife which the other tribes see as breaking the rules of a battle so Hex is given the "mark of the demon" which is how he gets the scar. From there he becomes a hard drinking, bounty hunter with a fucked up honor code. See, doesn't that make for a way more interesting story? Why fuck it up? Why add Megan Fox? Why do any of this? Fuck you Hollywood.

I hate everything

Two New Awesome Shirts To Up The Nerdness In Your Life

This may not be the homage to the subway systems that Take The A Train by Billy Strayhorn was but it's still pretty fucking cool. Basically some very forward thinking dork created a total replica of the London Tube map and applied it to Middle Earth. I must truthful, I was never a Lord Of The Rings guy. I thought the books were okay but dragged (I know, nerd sin, I've heard it before) and I hated the movies. Ten hours plus of people walking up hill and complaining, are you fucking serious? Anyhoo that aside I would still buy this shirt save for one thing, super nipples.

The best things I inherited from my father is my writing ability, my sense of humor, my critical mind, my ability to tell a story and roguish good looks. The worst thing I inherited from him were nipples that could cut through steel. When I was incredibly fat I thought that was the reason but then I lost tons of weight and they were still there. It's like it's forever freezing right around them and it makes white, grey, red, pretty much any light color t-shirt a real impossibility for me. I can't even wear this next shirt which kills me because it's soooo rich. Dig it:



A creepy E.T./Shining shirt? Man I would love to wear this. E.T. was one of the first things that proved just how jaded I had become getting older. When that movie hit the theaters I was 9 or 10 and I loved it. I cried when E.T. died, I bought the toys and t-shirts, shit I even munched down on the cereal. Then I didn't see it again for about seven years and when I did I thought it was the stupidest movie I had ever seen. A dirty old man alien whose "neck" gets longer when little kids touch him? Fucking grim. I still love the Shining though and if not cursed with super nipples I'd already own both of these.

If you want to buy the Middle Earth Subway Shirt (plus a closer look at it) click THREADLESS and for the E.T./Shining Shirt click TEEFURY

Secret Post Credits IRON MAN 2 Ending Revealed--SPOILER

Yeah it ain't Iron Man but I Like War Machine Better So There!!

Much like the post credits end of Iron Man where we got to see the Samuel L. Jackson Nick Fury and the Hulk end where Tony Stark showed up to talk to Thunderbolt Ross, Iron Man 2 has a post credits ending to set up for another movie. Here's the run down:

After the credits conclude, we see a black car pushing up dirt as it zooms through the desert. We are even given a close-up of the New Mexico license plate of the car so that we know it is New Mexico. The license plate reads 8RE 2Z1. I'm not sure if there is an inside joke or easter egg in those numbers and letters. Probably not. A man exists the vehicle, and it cuts to a wide show of a huge crater in the earth. We see that the man is... not Tony Stark - but Agent Coulson. He looks down at the inside of the big hole, which has been revealed to contain cars and workers working on something. Coulson picks up his cellphone and tells the person on the other end "Sir, we've found it." Cut to a shot from inside the giant crater, and we push back to reveal the hammer of Thor sticking out of the ground.

With the reviews coming in it sounds like this may be the best part of Iron Man 2.

Yeah I Want To See PIRANHA 3D....SO?

There are several reasons I want to see Piranha 3D and none of them have to do with the quality of the film. Let's be realistic, this is going to be a stupid gorefest that's hoping to cash in on some summer bucks not spent on the bigger blockbusters. My reasons for seeing it are quite clear, first there's the cast. Piranha 3D stars Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth, Elisabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, Adam Scott, Ving Rhames, Dina Meyer and Jerry O'Connell, which to me is hysterical. First off how much debt would Dreyfuss have to be in to enter into another man vs killer fish movie after Jaws? He was too good for Jaws II but this is okay? I also love how half this cast needs this to make a comeback and the other half must be slumming.

My other reasons include watching Eli Roth die as well as shitty college kids on Spring Break getting ripped apart by killer fish. I guess my main reason though is how stupidly fun the trailer makes this look. Dig it!



There's no bad ass Marine kicking the piranhas off bicycle style but whatever, it can't have everything.

MONSTER SQUAD Remake To Get Facelift?

I fucking hate remakes, almost across the board. The basic reason for this is that I don't see the need and you'll never make it as good as the original. When I say that it's not like I think Friday The 13th or A Nightmare On Elm Street were slices of cinematic genius even in their day but they resonated because they were made in and for that time. Today everything has to be a big budget, slick, sequel promising, shitfest or nobody cares about even trying. Those movies and most films gunned up for remakes don't hold well when brought into today's movie making world. Look at Clash Of The Titans, bringing that movie into the world of huge mega effects did nothing but piss people off.

One of the movies being considered for a remake that I dismissed since the mention was Monster Squad. First of all it was made during an era when movie kids were allowed to act like kids. They cursed and smoked but there was something innocent and charming about them. Movie kids these days are little grown ups who do more to annoy than endear. I also figured this was a bad idea because the Universal Monsters e.g. Dracula, Mummy, Wolfman just aren't scary anymore. Some kid raised on Freddy or Michael Myers and even Hostel could give two shits about Dracula. Any of those monsters would be laughed at.

Realizing this the producers of Monster Squad the remake have come up with an idea that might allow the film to be a reinvention as a opposed to a remake. The thought is to update the monsters to be a Michael Myers slasher, an alien type creature, a grudge type spirit, etc. If they did that and made the film actually scary that could be something very cool. Of course then it would be its own movie and not a remake of Monster Squad, which to me is a better idea anyway.

HAMLET--NERD STYLE!!

Tonight. At 8pm EST. On PBS. On Great Performances. It's Hamlet. Starring David Tennant as Hamlet and Patrick Stewart as Claudius. For those of you who love Doctor Who (as I do) and for those who love Star Trek The Next Generation, this could be the greatest nerd face off ever. Dig this little clip to wet the appetite.



NERD MOST FOUL!!

DC ANIMATED MOVIES...PRETTY MUCH DONE

Bad news for those of us who love the DC Animated Movies, according to producer Bruce Timm the entire DC Animated franchise idea is really parring down what they do if not shutting down all together. According to Timm the Green Lantern: First Flight and Wonder Woman movies sold so badly that any sequel ideas are cancelled for now as are the Teen Titans: Judas Contract movie as well as Batgirl Year One and Aquaman.

Timm also said that neither Hush nor Long Halloween will become animated movies as DC feels the plots are too complex to boil down into features. The next big DC Animated film is Batman: Under The Red Hood and I'm guessing if that one shits the bed the DC Animated Universe may call it a day though no mention was made of how Public Enemies or that last Justice League film did.

Bummer, I loved those movies.

CRAZY HEART -- My Review

In 1983 a little film titled Tender Mercies was released starring Robert Duvall and Tess Harper. The film was about hard drinking old time country singer trying to get his life together. While not a financial success Tender Mercies was a critical and fan favorite. It garnered a best original screenplay Oscar as well as one for Robert Duvall, his only win thus far if memory serves.

They have been trying to remake that movie ever since.


The latest attempt is titled Crazy Heart a film that won huge praise for Jeff Bridges for his portrayal of Bad Blake the central character in the film. To me Crazy Heart was a tedious, schmaltzy and overly familiar movie that was so predictable that you can never sit down and just enjoy it. The sad part for me was I wanted to like this film, I went into it amped to see it. I even tried to convince myself that it was good after the first mind numbing forty five minutes. It wasn't too long before reality set it and the cliches, awkward pacing and general laziness of the movie ended my enjoyment.

From the outset of the film you're smacked across the face with the cliches. Bridges character Bad Blake is a washed up country singer who, you guessed it, has a drinking problem, doesn't take care of himself and is ornery and grouchy but, beneath it all, beats a heart of gold. Seriously, that's established in the first ten minutes of the film and yet somehow I'm supposed to be invested in a cliche character that could be from a dozen "country" movies. Blake has a crappy manager, a rough life on the road and the entire time he has to watch his protege Tommy Sweet sell millions of records and achieve riches and fame.

With those cliches set then we get the lonely single woman (Maggie Gyllenhaal) and her cute kid that come into Bad Blake's life and become the family he never had. Oh wait, did I mention Blake has a grown son he's never seen? Anyway as soon as Blake gets deeply involved with Gyllenhaal you know that it's going to end up with him doing something stupid involving her kid while he's drunk. That fact is so certain I spent most of my time waiting for it so when it came there was zero emotional reaction. I knew Gyyllenhall's character would leave Blake over this which would drive him to clean up his act.

Enter Robert Duvall who I guess they brought in because they ripped off Tender Mercies so badly they felt compelled or guilty. Duvall is the straight talking ex-alcoholic that doesn't let Blake get away with anything and helps him get on the straight and narrow. So now we have the tough friend who won't let his buddy die, cliche number 15..check. Once Blake gets clean there's a laundry list of little scenes that you knew were coming straight up to the sappy ending. I never read the original novel by Thomas Cobb but if its like the film it's no wonder I haven't.

The pacing problems with Crazy Heart are basically that it has none. The movie doesn't flow as a story, instead it comes across as series of clunky scenes that don't really work together. Nothing is allowed to pick up steam or even work itself out. Through out the movie Blake is constantly pissed at his protege Tommy Sweet (Colin Ferrell in one of the stupidest casting choices EVER) but they never really say why. There's also no resolution to the relationship either, it just falls away until the end. Whenever Gyllenhaal's character seemed about to rise above just being a plot device the movie moved away from her and put Blake back on the road.

Crazy Heart also suffers from feeling very Hollywood Country. It never ever feels authentic but more like a group of "actors" getting together to use their "craft" to tell a "real and human story". It feels pretentious, as if you could sense the scum Hollywood execs on set with brand new Johnny Cash t-shirts and new cowboy hats. Many gave Jeff Bridges credit for raising the film above it's obvious flaws but I don't see it. To me Bridges basically was The Big Lebowski as a country singer.

Crazy Heart had some nice ambitions and I could tell it was trying to relay a convincing story it just never did. The movie never gets started because it can't rise above feeling like a series of scenes instead of a comprehensive film. The lack of originality also weighs the movie down as does the often disingenuous performances by the cast. If the plot of Crazy Heart sounds good do yourself a favor and watch Tender Mercies, you'll be much happier.

Trailer For The New SyFy Show PHANTOM

WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? OH RIGHT, MONEY!!

Hey want to see something that sucks ass more than the name change to SYFY on that channel? Take a gander at the new trailer for their upcoming Phantom abortion. I have no inherent problem with SciFi (I hate the new name), hell I even enjoy their crappy movies and I dig Eureka and Warehouse 13. This show however looks like a large helping of cunt with a side order of fuck the fans. The Phantom is a hero that requires a setting, a pace, a certain type of storytelling and this sure as shit ain't it. Plus it's being done by RHI Entertainment who have thus far fucked up Farscape, Flash Gordon, Alice, Meteor and Tin Man. Quite a track record huh? Here's the trailer:

The Next Shitty Vampire Movie From Those Dumb Books Has A Trailer

Oh sorry, I meant the trailer for Eclipse has hit the net and I figured I'd be remiss if I didn't check it out. Oddly enough I learned a lot about these movies from this trailer and I wanted to share the insights give to me. First the trailer:



Now the Ten Things I Learned From The Eclipse Trailer:

10. They had a bigger budget for pale white face paint for Robert Pattinson...oh and he has pink eye

09. Nothing on this planet is GAYER than Taylor Lautner trying to sound tough

08. Apparently to be eligible to be in the Vampire Army you must be either an underwear model or an emo mall crawler.

07. The leader of the new Vampire Army is apparently pissed because he looks like David Bowie's ugly kid

06. Apparently you can kill a vampire by pushing her off a snowy tree

05. Vampires are still not afraid of Taylor Lautner's abs

04. Instead of a war apparently the werewolves and vampires have a dance off

03. Based on the Vampire Vs Werewolves footage at some point Eclipse switches from film to video game animation

02. They have lots of reusable helicopter footage of the forest

01. No matter how bad it gets Kristin Stewart can't be bothered to act like she cares. Oh and Dakota Fanning is hot even in a black cowl with pink eye

Can't wait for this to come out.

IDEAL TOY Commercials From 1963...Creepy

Above is one of my favorite Ideal Toys from being a kid. That being said the toys in this little mash up are just fucking creepy and give us further understanding why the company is not around now.

CHRIS WARE'S Awesome Yet Rejected Fortune 500 Cover

Chris Ware is one of my favorite artists of all time. Want to know why? Just check out the Acme Novelty Theater and you'll begin to realize his genius. Recently Fortune magazine asked Chris to do the cover for their annual Fortune 500 issue where we get to see all the companies that are currently raping this Earth for a profit. Always one to be involved in satire Ware's cover was filled with jokes like U.S. Treasuring being raided by Wall Street, China dumping money into the ocean, homes being flooded, homes being foreclosed, CEOs dancing a jig while society devolves into chaos and even a slap at the Evil Cult known as the Tea Party. Here's the cover:




And a link to see it closer to check out the jokes, click HERE

RIDLEY SCOTT Talks ALIEN Prequel Details

After years of slapping the memory of one of the greatest sci-fi movies ever, Alien, finally it sounds like a film based on that mythos might not suck. Granted James Cameron's Aliens was awesome but after that it was pretty much suck across the board. Fast forward to 2010 where Ridley Scott has stepped up to make an Alien prequel that might actually be really good. Here's what Scott had to say about it:

"It's set in 2085, about 30 years before Sigourney [Weaver's character Ellen Ripley]. It's fundamentally about going out to find out 'Who the hell was that Space Jockey?' The guy who was sitting in the chair in the alien vehicle — there was a giant fellow sitting in a seat on what looked to be either a piece of technology or an astronomer's chair. Remember that?"

"And our man [Tom Skerritt as Captain Dallas] climbs up and says 'There's been an explosion in his chest from the inside out — what was that?' I'm basically explaining who that Space Jockey — we call him the Space Jockey — I'm explaining who the space jockeys were."

For those scratching their heads about Space Jockey, think back to the first movie. When the Nostromo first got the distress call and went to investigate the found a ship. In that ship were these weird pilots all busted out from alien babies. Apparently this movie is all about those folks. Even though years and years ago an Alien comic did a cool job of explaining those folks but I've still alway wanted to see a movie about them. Hopefully with Scott at the helm it'll be awesome.

STUPID HOLLYWOOD MOVE #1

Man sometimes people should just let something die. A few years back there was awful, awful rumors swirling about that a remake of Escape From New York was being planned. First the guy that slapped together Die Hard 4 was in charge and the always mediocre Brett Ratner was given the job.

I guess Brett was too busy snorting coke of a strippers ass or begging for his next crap film to be made because he lost interest in Escape and the film thankfully vanished. Then came reports it was back on again with Gerard Butler as the main character Snake Plissken but since that guy can' t open a movie to save his life, that idea went away and it seemed like the project was dead for good.

Nope, not at all. Now Breck Eisner, the guy behind The Crazies, is on tap to direct the remake. I have no problem with the guy, I dug The Crazies but does he have the moxie to remake a classic sci-fi movie. I'm also not amped because, well first off it doesn't need a remake, but secondly the whole thing about it was how raw Escape was, how low budget and creepy. I know this version will be a super hi-tech, video game effects orgasm and that just kills what made the original so awesome.

I also heard the script has a back story for Plissken, which effectively kills 90% of his enigma appeal, and that Manhattan is still standing though just "Geographically Undesirable". Um, the whole point was that Manhattan was burned out and fucked up. So let me get this straight all the worst criminals are put into the Manhattan prison but they work together to keep it clean?

What?

The other giant factor here is that nobody and I mean NOBODY will make the character of Snake Plissken their own the way Kurt Russell has. This is all in all a bad idea that I hope dies away.

STUPID HOLLYWOOD MOVE #3 & #2

#3 GREEN HORNET PUSHED TO 2011.

This isn't a stupid move because I'm so amped for the movie to come out, this is a stupid move for two very specific reasons. First up the fact that it was made at all. The Green Hornet is a classic character, one that deserves much more respect than a kooky Michel Gondry comedy version starring one-trick-pony-running-out-of-ideas Seth Rogan. Now to add insult to injury the Hollywood scum have decided to push the film to 2011 so they can add the whole 3-D element to it. This movie wasn't shot in 3-D so it will be the same awful look as that which has garnered Clash Of The Titans so much negative attention. Don't these pricks ever learn?




#2 THE LAST AIRBENDER TO BE RE-TOUCHED FOR 3-D

Y'know if I was M. Night Shyamalan I'd want to hedge all of my bets when it came to this movie. If he fucks this up it'll be a long time before anybody in Hollywood wants him to do anything but go get coffee. Why take a little known product like this, one where he's screwed the story up already, and then add the element of the 3-D thing everybody hates? Personally I don't care because I hate M. Night Shamalamadingdong but I'm still scratching my head over this decision.

Plus don't these Executive idiots realize that Avatar did well because it was shot in 3-D and because 3-D was a curious and novel thing to see a movie in? If every last goddamn movie is 3-D it'll just render everything back to square one.

STUPID HOLLYWOOD MOVE #4

MY NAME IS RUSSELL, I'M A CUNT, PLEASE KILL ME

I always hate Hollywood, always and without fail but sometimes they do something so stupid, so cunting, so filled with horror that I actually contemplate burning it down to the fucking ground. Their latest shit storm is an Arthur remake starring Russell Brand and Helen Mirren, a concept so abhorrent, so vile and disgusting that I hope everybody involved gets struck with Ebola which in turn effects their family thus wiping out the entire line.

The original Arthur was a perfect comedy and it was also one that belonged in the 80s, that was the time where it made the most sense. Dudley Moore owned the role of Arthur, he was that character, nothing else could even come close. He made Arthur charming and tragic, a normal if not goofy looking man looking for love in a cold world. Sir John Gielgud nailed the part of Hobson Arthur's butler and fill-in father so well it became one of those iconic movie performances.

To give something so perfect over to the likes of Russell Brand is disgusting. Brand is a worthless waste of semen, an unfunny hack who has wormed his way into Hollywood by convincing these fucking idiots that he's "edgy". Let me clue you in on something, Brand isn't edgy he's pathetic. His humor is the British version of that annoying frat guy who was convinced he was hysterical and always ran around "being funny" so his fellow date raping friends would laugh. Brand is a one trick pony whose trick is riddled with down syndrome. He can't act, he's not funny, in fact he's an insult to anybody who believes in the sanctity of human life. A walking abortion who might get me to see his film if it was a snuff film of him getting beaten and then killed.

As for Mirren, I respect her as an actress so I wonder what the fuck is she thinking. Changing the Hobson character into a woman isn't going to distance the remake from the original, in fact it'll just come off as a cheap marketing trick. Mirren is above that and I hope she comes to her senses soon. From the bottom of my heart I say FUCK THIS MOVIE.

I hate everything

STUPID HOLLYWOOD MOVE #5

Let's all be quite honest about it, Wanted sucked. The movie, which granted was based on Mark Millar's less than stellar comic, was a total and complete mess. The worthless Whore Sores in Hollywood removed most of what did make the comic book interesting and left us with an action film that had supernatural elements but without the story to back it up. It was mostly a film to let us remember that Angelina Jolie is hot and let Morgan Freeman play against type as a bad guy. While the stuns were kind of cool the basic film just sucked and audiences agreed. The film did okay but not the gangbusters everybody else was expecting and once Jolie decided to make her new action film Salt or Sugar or Creamer or whatever it is she backed out of the Wanted sequel.

But the one thing worth watching in the movie gone does not stop the Whore Sores in LA LA Land from trying to get the DOA second installment off the ground. In what has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard the plan is now to get Kristin Stewart to fill in for Angelina Jolie as the new super powered assassin. I don't understand the logic behind this on any fucking level at all. Sticking Stewart in for Jolie is essentially putting a child in a role meant for a woman. Jolie is bad ass, destructively hot and yet just fucked up enough to be an actual threat. Stewart is whiney brat child who brings wooden acting to such a level I bet George Lucas wishes she could have played Padme.

Millar and the studio cunts need to just let this die, it's a tremendous waste of time and money. Watching Kristen Stewart run around trying to be tough with a gun will be more on a level of a SNL Skit than a real movie.

So JUGHEAD Isn't The Only Gay Character In Riverdale Now.

Oh come on, let's not mince words, we all thought at one point or another that Jughead was gay. Never had a chick, never wanted a chick, always was able to rock that cool "Crown" without looking stupid. Hey I was a big fan of Archie and I kept waiting for Jughead to come out of the closet. Apparently the folks at Archie got the message because as of Veronica issue #202 (coming September 1st) Riverdale has a fully out gay student named Kevin. Here's the first look of this stud in full color:



The story, titled "Isn't It Bromantic" shows Veronica trying to win the affections of Kevin without realizing he's gay, something Jughead finds hysterical. The folks at Archie claim they're introducing Kevin as a gay character that everybody is fine with except they're doing it in a story where Kevin's homosexuality almost seems like a weapon for Jughead. Here are some of the pages from the story, you tell me.




I'm curious if once Kevin's gayness comes out that the kids will think Jughead is gay to because he spent so much time with Kevin. I don't know, curious to see if Archie Comics handles this as well as they claim they want to.

VELVET UNDERGROUND Meets MARVIN GAYE & TAMMI TERRELL

Mash-ups are a dangerous business because sometimes they're great and sometimes they suck so bad they almost ruin the two original songs involved. Not so with mashup of Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs" and Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell doing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." It's cool, it's creepy, it's all around fucking awesome. Dig it



Thanks to DANGEROUS MINDS and BOINGBOING for the scoop.

KE$HA Vs ICP The Battle Of Absolute Shit

I have no intro here other than to say that the Ke$ha performance from Saturday Night Live invoked the same douche chills as the ICP song "Miracles". I've decided to pit them against each other, you tell me which sucks more.


KE$HA



ICP


Okay who sucks more?

I'm Sick Of These Motherfucking Avengers In This Motherfucking Movie

So apparently it's come out that Samuel L Jackson will not be involved in Thor as Nick Fury. Though originally thought to be part of the movie it's now clear that old Mr. Jackson will have to wait until The Avengers movie to reprise his role as the leader of S.H.I.E.L.D. Jackson took this with his usual amount of class by saying the Thor filmmakers should pay him since they originally put his name in the trades. Jackson also said that the Avengers movie is pretty much a star vehicle for his character, a claim I hope is incredibly false.

See I hate Sam Jackson as Nick Fury for no other reason than he's NOT NICK FURY. Nick Fury is an older, grim faced, kick ass white dude with an eye patch. He has been this since Steranko created him in the sixties. I realize Sam Jackson's Fury is based on the Ultimates comic run but I don't care, I still hate it. I'm not amped to see two hours of "bad ass" Samuel Jackson horeshit applied to one of Marvel Comic's greatest characters. I'm sure that's what it will be since Jackson is a one trick pony, constantly doing some version of his character from Pulp Fiction.

I just can't believe the ego it takes for him to want to be the focal point of The Avengers. He's not even originally involved with them so he should be happy he's in the goddamn movie at all. Does he really think we'd rather see him than Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk, Wasp and so on. Jesus what an asshole. In other news the Stan Lee cameo from Thor has been found out. Check it:

Thor’s hammer ( Mjolnir ) is found lying inside a crater in the middle of the road by the U.S. Army. The army tries to move it but can’t because it’s too heavy. They decide to bring in a truck for assistance. The soldiers tie Thor’s hammer to the back of the truck with chains. The truck driver accelerates to pull Mjohnir. The back half of the truck falls apart as the front keeps moving. Finally, the camera cuts to the driver who happens to be comic legend Stan Lee.

The Avengers starts shooting in February.

Trailer For HIGH SCHOOL

I tripped over this trailer at /Filmand I have to say after watching it I may end up siding with those guys. I read the plot synopsis and the premise itself sounds pretty fucking cool. Dig it:

“Michael Chiklis plays a smarmy high school principal who suddenly institutes a zero-tolerance crusade, introducing mandatory drug tests for all students. Failure of which will result in immediate expulsion. Matt Bush plays a straight-arrow valedictorian named Henry Burke who normally would have nothing to worry about, except he just tried marijuana for the very first time. I’ll let the Sundance description take over: “With his college scholarship hanging in the balance, Burke begrudgingly teams up with charismatic pothead Travis Breaux to do the only thing they can think of to neutralize this threat—get the entire student body stoned"

Seems like it might be funny in that Superbad style of teen comedy and then I watched the trailer and suddenly it seemed like this might be one of those movies so dedicated to being clever and "quirky" (a genre of movies I'm starting to hate) that it fails to be a good film. Check it out:


High School trailer
Uploaded by blankytwo. - Classic TV and last night's shows, online.

See what I mean? It looks like the director really wants to make a teenage Wes Anderson/Spike Jonze film but may have just out-clevered himself. I don't know, I guess I'll wait until the video release. What do you think?

KICK ASS Gets Its Ass Kicked By An Animated Dragon (Maybe There Is Hope)

STAY BACK ANIMATED DRAGON....JUST STAY BACK!!

Sometimes the people of America do me proud and this, this is one of those times. Kick Ass is a bad movie, not an amoral one as Ebert wrote just a bad one. Granted it didn't have much of a chance because the original comic book source material was pretty crappy but man did the movie SUCK. I could go deeper into why but I'd rather you read my review over at CRAVEONLINE. Despite the obvious flaws the "geek" community was masturbating over this movie at an alarming rate. Corporate shill sell out weasels like Harry Knowles from ain't-I-up-for-sale....oh sorry i mean aintitcool.com were blowing their loads all over this film, setting it up to be a summer smash face blockbuster.

And then reality set in.

It is true that Kick Ass took the number one spot during its opening weekend but only but a slim margin and that was over How To Train Your Dragon, an animated kids movie in its second or third week of release. I was so proud, after all that fucking dick-sucking hype the people spoke and said "Yeah, fuck this movie". Granted all the Hollywood swine are trying to keep a chipper attitude about the whole thing by rolling out their usual line of excuses including trying to break down costs versus returns and all this other double talk that essentially means behind closed doors these industry cunts are saying "FUCK THIS MOVIE!! IT DIDN'T DO SHIT!!" Even Kick Ass comic writer Mark Millar got into the back peddling game with this quote:

"We’re looking at a very nice profit here and word of mouth is spectacular — the reviews being among the best I’ve ever seen — and so we’re all very proud to find ourselves in this position. Positive advance reviews had some people hoping for a $25 million domestic opening. I wanted ‘Avatar’ numbers myself, but as Matthew sensibly pointed out, we were made on a Tarantino budget and should be more than happy with Tarantino numbers."

WOW, does that sound like some placating bullshit or what? With The Losers opening this weekend, A Nightmare On Elm Street the following and the mammoth Iron Man 2 the weekend after that Kick Ass will soon be a sad and crappy memory. The best part is this box office failure means there won't be a Kick Ass 2. It also means that all these ass kissing geek sites can fuck right off.

I love being right.

Trailer For BATMAN: UNDER THE RED HOOD Animated Movie

I have to give credit where credit is due, DC has yet to really fail me when it comes to their animated movies. Sure the Death Of Superman wasn't perfect but thus far nothing has been an out and out failure. Now comes Batman: Under The Red Hood and it looks fucking killer. It's written by Judd Winick based on his Batman run and features the voices of Bruce Greenwood, Neil Patrick Harris, Jason Isaacs and Jensen Ackles. I'm not 100% on Greenwood as Batman but that may just be because I only ever hear Kevin Conroy as the voice. Anyway, here's the trailer:



Batman: Under The Red Hood hits stores July 27th.

Hi-Res Look At JONAH HEX, Which Doesn't Help At All.

So that right there is the hi-res look at Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex and it does nothing to quell the notion of the movie sucking. It's not just my consistent dislike of superhero movies that makes me say this, I have actual reasons to. First of all pretty much any comic book movie that the Hollywood slime think will turn a buck gets the A treatment. Studio meatheads have no idea what any of this is all about so they push everything, everything they think people will buy into. Yet even with Josh Brolin who everybody is loving now and super starlet slut du jour Megan fox AND John Malkovich, nothing has really been said about this movie at all. No ungodly amount of tv spots or trailers, no six month press push, nothing. The movie comes out June 30th and nobody seems to care.

Add that to the constant reshoots being done and the fact that it actually does star Megan Fox and you can see the troubles brewing. I'll admit that I'd cut the brake line of a school bus filled with crippled children for a dirty weekend in a soiled hotel with Megan but watching her act, count me right the fuck out. The last thing is that picture, look at it, how fucking fake does that look. The whole point of Jonah Hex is that scarring but it looks more like Brolin rubbed a personal pan pizza on his cheek. Ironically the trailer for Jonah Hex will be attached to the Nightmare On Elm Street remake. I say ironic because the make up used on the new Freddy Krueger face is that same weak shit, making Freddy look more like Pizza The Hutt than a burned alive serial killer. If you're interested here's the plot synopsis:

Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) is a scarred drifter and bounty hunter of last resort, a tough and stoic gunslinger who can track down anyone... and anything. Having survived death, Jonah's violent history is steeped in myth and legend, and has left him with one foot in the natural world and one on the "other side." His only human connection is with Leila (Megan Fox), whose life in a brothel has left her with scars of her own. But Jonah's past is about to catch up with him when the U.S. military makes him an offer he can't refuse: in exchange for his freedom from the warrants on his head, he must track down and stop the dangerous terrorist Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich). But Turnbull, who is gathering an army and preparing to unleash Hell, is also Jonah's oldest enemy and will stop at nothing until Jonah is dead. Based on the legendary graphic novel, "Jonah Hex" is an epic adventure thriller about one man's personal quest for redemption against the vast canvas of the battle between good and evil.

KEVIN CONROY Talks CHRISTIAN BALE'S BATMAN Voice

The Christian Bale Batman voice fucking blows ass.

Okay, I said it, I admit it and I am one of the biggest fans of Batman Begins & The Dark Knight out there. In fact I count them as two of the only three decent superhero movies made thus far. Bale totally kicks ass as Bruce Wayne and Batman but the voice, egads that voice, it sounds like a constipated Dirty Harry who also suffers from Emphysema. One man who knows how to do the Batman voice is Kevin Conroy, the man behind Bruce/Batman for the entire run of the Batman Animated Series, Justice League and Justice League Unlimited. He is the only one who has ever nailed the Batman voice in my opinion.

Last week at the Chicago Qe2-007-part 3-45-6-99 or whatever the fuck you call it Kevin was there pumping the next DC thing he's a part of when a fan asked him about Christian Bale's Batman Voice. Kevin slapped it down but in the usually classy Kevin Conroy way. Dig it:



I wish Bale would take some cues from Kevin for the next Batman film.

The Only Footage We May Ever See Of GATCHAMAN

When I was a kid I loved Battle Of The Planets. I had no idea that it was a Japanese cartoon named Gatchaman that had been re-worked for American audiences, I just loved the show. It was weird, it was action packed and it had a robot that lived underwater. Years later I got to see the original Gatchaman and loved it just the same. A while back Imagi Studios, the same folks behind the very cool CGI Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, had begun work on bringing Gatchaman back to the big screen. That dream came crashing down when the Imagi LA Office was closed and production halted completely. TWITCH has released this trailer which shows the direction the movie was going in and might be the only footage of this we ever see. Check out the footage:



I don't love this footage because I've always been a big fan of the original animation but it has some cool things happening and I was amped it was sticking closer to the original Gatchaman plot than the heavily re-worked Battle Of The Planets story line. The Hong Kong site for the film is still up and saying the film will be out by 2011 but somehow I doubt it.

THIS, THIS..THIS Right Here Is Why I Go To Movies

Want to know why Bill Murray doesn't have any interest in doing the abortion known as Ghostbusters 3? Because he's still a real goddamn actor and can be in movies that are bound to be fucking awesome. Take Get Low for instance, a new film about a hermit (Robert Duvall) in the 30s who hosts his own funeral party before he dies.

The film not only killed at Sundance (which doesn't really matter because Sundance is the diseased whore of the film festival circuit) but it has a cast that can't help but blow it out of the park. Sissy Spacek and Bill Murray are just two of the titans who make this movie seem like a sure thing. Directed by newcomer Aaron Schneider with a script from Chris Provenzano ("Mad Men") and C. Gaby Mitchell (Blood Diamond) Get Low seems like a movie that remembers why we see films and what the film medium can be about when it tells real stories and not 3D eye candy horseshit. Check out the trailer.

GET LOW Hits theaters July 30th

You Know What's Awesome About George Lucas....NOTHING!!!

I was busy sharpening a scalpel for the upcoming job of slicing the skin from my arm until my Star Wars tattoos are gone when I came across a little tidbit that made me want to just rip the flesh right off the bone. Remember a few weeks back when it came out that George "Fuck The Fans" Lucas had decided to make a kooky sitcom that no-talent hack Seth Green would be working on? Well apparently the fist fuckings don't stop there because this isn't some stupid animated show that is douche chilling because of what it is..oh no...Lucas has taken cunt down a whole new door by deciding it will take place right after Return Of The Jedi and include the original characters.

Besides the fact that this is another shitty shitty idea from a man who seems to corner the market with them, the whole fucking premise makes no sense. Anybody who can read and enjoys a good sci-fi romp already knows what happens to the characters post Jedi thanks to the fairly awesome series of books. Luke starts training Jedis, Han and Leia have twins who become Jedis, Chewbacca dies, there's more Empire drama with Grand Admiral Thrawn replacing Vader as the big bad, plus Wedge rocks a comeback in the series about saving Courescant, etc etc. These books have been coming out for 15 or 20 years and have established the entire story of what happens post Jedi, so why do a TV show that'll fuck with it?

Oh wait, I know why, of course, because it's George Lucas, that's why.

He's already totally fucked the original trilogy with the new ones and ruined any hope Darth Vader had of being a lasting villain (NOOOOOOO ring any bells?) so it makes sense he'd fuck the whole new lineage just to turn a buck. No idea who might voice these characters but I'm betting the original folks will return. Whatever bestiality photos Lucas has of Harrison Ford that keep him returning to make Indiana Jones movies will certainly force him to do a voice. Mark Hamil will work for food, Carrie Fisher can be talked into anything with a meat sandwich and a bottle of Schnapps and since Anthony Daniels is probably tired of turning tricks under a bridge for rent money he'll be on board to.

In other Lucas news the whole Star Wars saga will soon be out on Bluray which means we can watch them suck in super awesome clarity.

I hate everything

What If They Gave Avengers...And Nobody Cared?

The Secret Avengers were finally revealed this week and...well...to be honest, who cares? The reason I say this is that the new team Beast, Nova, Valkyrie, Moon Knight, War Machine, and Steve Rogers could be the most lackluster superhero team since The Champions (remember them? Marvel team with Hercules, Ghost Rider, Iceman, Black Widow and Angel).

I mean seriously, Beast? Nobody even cared about him as an X-Men, especially in recent years. Nova? Yeah, talk about your second stringers. Valkyrie? Who? Moon Knight is cool but how many times has Marvel fucked that story up. War Machine I like and I dig Steve Rogers but I'm bummed he's not part of the new relaunch title (they're sticking with Bucky). Collectively The Secret Avengers just lays there, nothing sparks when you see them, even when it's leaping into action. Here, check the cover.




Anyway, maybe it'll Kick Ass, but I just don't see it. Oh and just for shits and giggles here's The Champions Issue #1

Your Favorite Comics Get Funnier With Asshole

I don't know who thought this was a good idea but holy shit was it. I never thought adding the phrase "What an asshole" would really make me laugh but these comics did. It might just be because I'm an asshole. Either way dig it.

Awesome Moon Landing Shirt

To buy it check out PUBLIC DOMAIN CLOTHING