SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: THIS SITUATION SUCKS!!!

Everybody has been forced to become familiar with The date rapist douche bag living cartoon Situation, one of the cast members of vile sewer abortions mate and drink The Jersey Shore. For those unaware (and how I envy you) The Jersey Shore is another of MTV's attempts to reduce humanity to blathering idiots via a reality show about Guidos and Guidettes showing off their muscles and acting like the mentality handicapped moose shits they are.

Apparently The Situation, a nickname for Mikey Bagga Donuts or whatever this cunts name is, will earn 5 million dollars this year because...well....um.....nobody is really sure. Yep this guy has awesome abs, he just can't spell that word. He has great hair but if you asked him about the Tortoise And The Hare he'd start freaking out thinking there was a turtle on his head. This guy is like the male Paris Hilton, a complete waste of sperm and egg that has tapped into the stupidity of America and the ability for the Corporation Shitbags to capitalize on it.

This dink earning a lump of cash for the second season of the show seems reasonable in the fucked up world we live in as does his new workout video given that The Situation can't seem to keep his shirt on. I figure it's like any other kind of evil. When we all get too close to realizing what a living cunt bag of ignorance and stupidity he is the shirt comes up to blind the people of that reality.

Where I start to come unglued is the fact that this guy is getting acting roles in movies. Um, has anybody seen the show? The Situation can't hold a conversation or speak in straight sentences for more than maybe eight seconds. What's he going to do in a movie besides take his shirt off? My personal favorite is his autobiography titled....get this...."Here's The Situation". HOLY SHIT is that clever. He must've pulled the one muscle he doesn't use to come up with that fucking awesome play on words. First of all just because this moron became famous doesn't make his life interesting. I can just imagine how it'll read:

"So like y'know me and Tony B. were like lookin' for hooes and shit and like I was amped cause it was fuckin summer and shit and like I had my shirt off and my muscles were ripped like Rambo and shit. So I was drunk and shit and fuckin Tony B saw this fuckin bitch slut we used ta know so we like got the hooer drunk and then fucked her. At one point Tony B had her from behind and shit and I walked up and slapped his ass. That bitch was none the wiser"

Well I'm probably being generous but it seems close enough. I also love the idea of a guy who can't read writing a book. Do you get a six figure salary for submitting something in crayon? Is this a choose your own adventure book where you decide if The Situation works his abs or his triceps? This is the world we live in folks, this is the world we've created for ourselves. I can't wait for the rising of the Old Ones or 2012.

Oh and Situation I'm not a hater I am THE HATER.

So from the bottom of my chubby, black, hate filled heart

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: THIS FUCKING KID

I've never been one to champion crib death nor have I been big on beating children to a bloody, broken, mess but this kid might just change all that. I don't know what laboratory decided to splice the genes for precocious with douche but man did they make a fucking hybrid child-thing that sucks all kinds of fucking ass. I hate this kid, I hate him worse than Armond White and that's saying something. Watch this video of him reviewing movies and tell me I'm wrong.



That three minute segment took me half an hour to get through because I kept having to stop long enough to throw rocks at little kids riding by on bicycles. Where did they dig up this fucking cunt. Seriously? Inception we should wait for until DVD because it's "confusing" but let's all run out to see Ramona And Beezus or Beeble or whatever the fuck it is and Salt because it's fantastic.

Fuck this kid, fuck him and please somebody chop his goddamn hands off so he stops talking with them. When I was that age I liked shitty movies but mainly the ones on Cinemax late at night that I was jerking off to. Perhaps I'm wrong, maybe he's not real, maybe this kid is a lost robot from the Jim Henson camp, yeah that could be it.

They built a cutey pie kid with kooky teeth but he got struck by lightening and came to life. However instead of being annoyingly cute like Johnny 5 this kidbot decided to go down a douchier road. Doesn't this kid have parents or did they abandon him like anybody else would once he learned to talk. Good luck getting laid kid. Even a crack whore on a two day withdrawal bend and no feet would rather wallow in her life than come near you.

Seriously kid, suck my ass it smells.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: ARMOND WHITE

I usually reserve this section to tirade on the endless shittiness of celebrities but this time I'm calling out a critic, a pretentious, jerk weed of a human being who is so calculated, so obvious and transparent in his attempts that it angers me. See I like people who differ in opinion from me, especially those who can back it up with actual reasons. Much to people's chagrin I'm not a guy who doesn't listen, crams my ideas down people's throats or refuses to see the other side. What I can't stand are fuckers like Armond White who spouts his shit just appear "counter" to popular opinion, which to him means he's got a deeper understanding of film.

White writes (a term I use loosely) for New York Press and has been a film professor as well as the head of the New york Film Critics Circle. This isn't some idiot looking for page hits or press, he honestly tries to push his opinions off as some kind of new way to look at film. He panned Toy Story 3 for championing commercialism and yet though Transformers 2 had tremendous "visual style"

Yeah okay right there this guy can suck my ass because all you need to know Transformers 2 had no style are eyes, ears help to. The guys over at /FILM, who i respect a lot, had White on their podcast and I must say they're a nicer bunch than me. About halfway through his ridiculously self-aggrandizing comments I would've beaten him to death with a film school textbook. Here's one his choice comments about Roger Ebert.

"I do think it is fair to say that Roger Ebert destroyed film criticism. Because of the wide and far reach of television, he became an example of what a film critic does for too many people. And what he did simply was not criticism. It was simply blather. And it was a kind of purposefully dishonest enthusiasm for product, not real criticism at all…I think he does NOT have the training. I think he simply had the position. I think he does NOT have the training. I’VE got the training. And frankly, I don’t care how that sounds, but the fact is, I’ve got the training. I’m a pedigreed film critic"

Wow, sour grapes anybody? My God what a cunt. Forget that he's insulting a guy like Ebert who has not only written scripts and clearly loves movies but also has half his face missing, White just sounds like a spoiled child. "I'm better, and I deserve it and this guy is a poop head" is essentially what this rant pans out to. Plus can you dig on the self importance here? Dude you're a fucking film critic, bring it down a thousand.

Here's what spilled out of White's mouth when asked by /Film if there are other critics we should listen to.

"I’ll answer you this way: If there were a whole bunch of critics who I thought were doing a good job, then I would stop. *laughs* Because really, the reason why I do what I do is because I think there are things that need to be said about movies, about culture, about the world, that nobody’s saying. And that’s why I do what I do."

The mind reels at the sheer level of this guy's ego. Listen up cheeseball you don't offer anything to the world, none of us do. From the most "pedigreed film critic" to us dumb yokels on the internet, what we do doesn't mean dick. We dance, shit and piss on somebody's art, usually when we haven't done anything even approaching it. I think the idea of critiquing movies is awesome, it's fun and it might even help people avoid really shitty films but to make it out as though you or I or anybody else doing this is part of the greater good is laughably insane.

Listen up White, and this is from just a kooky idiot behind a computer, you're an art school cunt, a fool who isn't good enough, hates himself and tries to deflect that by pissing on things and then saying you have more of a right because you're better than everybody else. You're that sad college professor who never got published, never did anything and now spends his time moaning how he's the better man and the world should see that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a cunt towards film, music and all of that to. Christ I say outright that I'm a professional asshole. The difference is I don't take myself seriously, I understand my place in the greater universe and just how silly this all is. I pity you White, not just because you're obviously a sad little man but also because you honestly believe all of this. Plus you have shitty taste in movies.

Look at the picture, the guy even looks like a cunt.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: MEL GIBSON

Wow Jesse James and Alec Baldwin are looking pretty sweet right now!!

I never thought I'd write those words but compared to Mel Gibson Jesse James and Alec Baldwin are a couple of real keepers. I was always a Mel Gibson fan from Mad Max to Road Warrior and even through the Lethal Weapon movies. He never had a bad lick of press or any controversy but HOLY SHIT is he making up for that now. Either he's really, clinically gone insane or the medication that kept him mellow isn't working well enough. Whatever it is Mel Gibson has gone right over the edge with no car, no parachute, no nothing.



First there was this insane rant at his wife Oksana Grigorieva for no real reason other than Mel was possessed by the spirit of Cunt. Dig it (NOT SAFE FOR WORK)



If you can't listen to the whole thing here are the highlights.

--Tells Oksana she breasts feed with foreign bodies in her (fake breasts)
--Says she looks like a Vegas Bitch, a Vegas Whore
--Says if Oksana gets raped by a Pack Of Niggers it'll be her fault
--Her tight pants show off her pussy from behind


Then a new rant hit Radioonline.com that not only takes the cake but shoves it down the throat and washes it down with bleach. Dig this but also NOT SAFE FOR WORK

RADIOONLINE.COM

If you don't have eight minutes here are the highlights from this one.

--Tells Oksana she should just smile and blow him
--Tells her she has no "Fucking Soul"
--Tells her he left his wife because they had no spiritual common ground (Um, okay)
--Starts breathing like a psycho and repeating "you don't care"
--Says she's a dishonest cunt for leaving
--Says he needs a woman not a little girl with a fucking dysfunctional cunt
--Tells her that he doesn't need medication but she needs a bat to the side of the head
--Says he bends over backwards with his balls in a knot for her
--Says she's a weak cunt because she won't stand up to him (this is while he's screaming)
--Says her friend would've blown him in five seconds
--Oh, you’re all angry now! You know what, you fucking deserved it! (Says this about hitting her with their baby daughter in her arms)
--Threaten ya? I’ll put you in a f *ckin rose garden you c*nt! You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that?

Yep old Mel certainly is the sweet talker. So now with all of this and the investigation William Morris has dropped Gibson as a client so the movie roles that weren't coming anyway are now really, really gone.

All that's left is for Mel to done the Braveheart makeup and run around naked tazing people while calling them dysfunctional cunts.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: GARY COLEMAN'S WIFE

I refuse to give this ill bitch a name because as far as I'm concerned she's so reprehensible I cannot fathom why nobody has stuck a shotgun up her vag and pulled the trigger. Really, I mean how fucking filled with black poison does your soul have to be to hire a camera crew to take pictures of your husband with tubes tuck in him as his life slowly ebbs away? What did poor Gary Coleman ever do that this shrew bitch of a human being was dumped into his life.

First of all few if any celebrities had as fucked up a life and as unfair a mound of shit to eat as Gary Coleman. That guy couldn't walk outside for ice cream without bad luck running up and slapping his nuts as hard as could be. To top all of that off Coleman searches for love with a woman I'm sure is comprised of demon feces, as in a demon squatted down and took a huge slimey shit, gave it red hair and eyes and sent it after poor Gary Coleman.

I loved that she called the cops on Coleman for domestic abuse. How? How exactly did Coleman manage to abuse this monster? This bitch is built like a linebacker with GLOW Girl aspirations and yet Coleman beat her up? What did he do stand on a step ladder and slap her in her busted mug? And by the way check out this monsters fucking teeth:



Sharks don't drop that much gum during an attack. Coleman looks so happy there, man if only he knew how bad life was about to get. I fully believe this deadbeat whore pushed Gary Coleman down and then had a nice meal before calling 911 and giving that rambling message. She's so fucked evil she doesn't even try to hide how much she doesn't care in the call. She admits she won't go down because there's too much blood and she sounds so cold on the phone you'd think her hamster was throwing up blood not her dying husband's brains everywhere.

Then to make shit worse she takes photographs like this at the hospital:



REALLY!? That shit isn't illegal? Oh no wait the illegal stuff went down when this tribute to all things cunt decided to pull the plug on Coleman even though in his will he wanted to wait 15 days, a little thing she ignored. PLUS the bitch wasn't even his wife at this point, she had no right to do anything but go home and stroke the tentacles that I'm sure emanate from deep within her box. The best is that nobody stopped her, nobody stepped in and told her to fuck right off and then shoved the camera up her ass and started shooting.

With Coleman barely cold in the ground the bitch starts rattling her saber that he wanted her to have everything, even producing a bogus note he supposedly wrote saying he was sorry for everything. HE was SORRY? HEEE WAAASSSS SORRRY? I can't believe how evil and vile this woman is, she must have black diseases as blood, that's all that makes sense. I know she killed him and did it to squander what little tiny bit of money he had left. I hope this bitch dies by being slowly cut to pieces with a rusty razor but until then

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS BITCH!!!

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: JAMES CAMERON

So often people ask why nobody in the rest of the world takes America seriously anymore, why we're a walking punchline. If you don't already know look no further then the report that director James Cameron has been flown into brainstorm with scientists on stopping the massive BP oil flow that is currently destroying an Ocean, killing wild life, taking people's livelihoods and property as well. This is what we do while something this destructive goes down? We turn to a fucking movie director to save our asses? Has America drifted so far into the vast ocean of stupidity that we as a people actually believe a star can save us from the bad things? This isn't a movie folks and Cameron can't do anything for us. I mean Christ the whole mess is already in 3D because it's FUCKING REAL...what can this Avatar asshat do?

Anybody who is about to raise up and hand me a gut full of Cameron's expertise with underwater equipment just shut the fuck up right now. This guy used his money to fuck around with some underwater cameras and submersibles in order to try and lend credence to his crappy Titanic movie by filming the real thing. Well hell fuck yeah that makes him an expert in disaster clean up. I once had a bitchen remote controlled submarine, can I get flown out to help fix the leak? I thought we'd hit rock bottom as a country when California elected Schwarzenegger as their Governor but nope, we continue to drop down the ladder of humanity one rung at a time.

The thing that chaps my ass is that Cameron's legendary ego is so fucking out of control he actually believes he can help. He actually thinks he can slide in and try to fix the problem. Why, because he directed a movie about blue people who love nature? Is it because he's such a gosh golly right on tree hugger he thinks he can commune with nature? This just shows the lack of seriousness the leak is being given. Nobody gives a solid shit about the damage being done, everybody just wants either to not be hurt by the fallout or to be the hero of the day who stops the oil.

Millions and millions of gallons are leaking every few hours into the ocean, destroying the natural balance, reducing a huge part of the planet to a toxic dumpsite. Is anybody getting this? Does anybody really understand how bad it is? The people in charge sure don't seem to understand the reality here, or they just don't care. Obama, a guy I usually root for, has screwed the pooch so hard on this it brings back shades of when Dubya got Brown, the head of the Equestrian Society, to head up FEMA and totally fuck up the Katrina disaster rescue. Obama should be fining the board of directors of BP hundred of thousands of dollars personally a day until it's fixed and he should allow for those with BP in their homes to not pay their bills until it's fixed. Watch how fast that shit gets done.

Nope, not us, not our Government. Instead we send a movie director to help with the Sci-Fi robot plan. What's next? If this doesn't work let's call Christian Bale, after all he is Batman and Batman could stop this. We could call Brandon Routh, he's really Superman and could fix it lickety split. Better yet let's get the guy from Entourage who played Aquaman to swim down there and use his power to communicate with the sea animals as a way of fixing the problem. With the wealth of Hollywood movies at our disposal America has any number of people to choose from.

So while James Cameron brainstorms and America looks on rooting for him the oil continues to leak. BP continues to hem and haw and Obama does nothing but go out there and point to the oil saying "That's bad". Thanks Prez, glad you're here to tell us these things. My favorite is how the dirty rat bastard Republicans, who could be using this to crucify Obama have said very little. Why, because their scum bag golfing buddies are oil barons and they don't wanna bite the hands that corrupt them. If this is how we react to things then the human race deserves to drown in oil.


SERIOUSLY DUDE, I CAN FIX IT!!

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS

Since returning to Cool Shit In The CrossHairs I've been waiting to return to one of my favorite segments; Suck My Ass It Smells. This is where I can drain all of the black oily bile that fills in my Hate Hump (think Bill hicks Camel Joke) and spew it out towards celebrities all across the nation. So without further ado let's get right to it shall we:




If You Have Small Children, a wheelchair, or are a Nazi Cunt, please board the plane now.

Oh man this whole Jesse James thing is way too sweet, I love it all, every new drop of information. I have always hated this retro scumbag asshole, mainly because I blame him for the explosion of fifties retro bullshit that now plagues the world like a cancer. Granted The Stray Cats/Brian Setzer could also be blamed but at least that guy is talented. What could Jesse James do? Oh, right, I'm sorry he could fix cars and make 'em look more fifties. I'm sorry, he's totally important and completely worth all the praise he was given during the run of his stupid show.

I mean fucking hell when you're such a dirtbag your porn star wife leaves you, that's saying something. These are women who get jizzed on for money and then have that sold to horny old men. When they feel like they're being mistreated, then some real bad shit is going down. Like, um, maybe the studly tattooed car guy they're fucking is a NAZI. I love that, a Nazi, it couldn't be more perfect. Oh no, Jesse James isn't white trash, that's just his persona, his tribute to the "real" people he so associates with. Jesse will be sure to explain all of that to you once he gets out of his Nazi uniform and puts some Ben Gay on his shoulder, all that Sieg Heil shit is murder on the arms.

I have little sympathy for Sandra Bullock because she married this asshole and she could have done way better. There was some kind of bad-girl bullshit going on there and now that she's living the life of a "bad girl" she doesn't like it. Well boofuckinghoo Sandra, you lay down with dogs you get Nazi fleas. My favorite is that over the last five years nobody cares about Jesse James anymore, at all. His star hasn't declined it's fallen straight to the center of the Earth and burned to cinders. Now that he's nobody he could've spent his entire life living in luxury, banging the reasonably hot Sandra Bullock, and spending all her money.

All he had to do was keep his nose clean. But no, not dickass, he's got such low self esteem he has to prove what a thick cock stud he is by banging cheap sluts who use him for money. Granted that Michelle "Bombshell" McGee is hot in that super slut way. She looks like she could tear your shit all up if the price is right. I mean look at her:



But still, as a guy, I have to say I'm totally confused as to retro Nazi boy's thinking. First of all McGee looks like she's probably a petrie dish of festering diseases and she can't support your dumb ass in luxury. Not only that but no matter how hot a girl is if she starts strutting around in Nazi get ups I'm OUT!! What can you expect from a guy who wears a Nazi hat, gives a Nazi salute, TAKES A PICTURE OF IT and then claims he's a history buff. That's a whole new kind of stupid.

Well Jesse, in ten years when Sandra's accepting another award and your watching from the shitty hotel you live in, dodging phone calls from Nazi women claiming their Hitler offspring belongs to you, maybe a light will click on. I don't mean you become a better person mean you take your own life in a soiled bathroom and die rotting on the floor between the toilet and the sink. Jesse James, from the bottom of my heart SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS.





I would write whole diatribe about Snooki but I think her trolling around Miami in these ridiculous $350 sunglasses says it all. So instead I'll list the top ten reactions Snooki got that day.

10. It looks like Liberace came on her eyes

09. She must've asked for glasses that make her more attractive

08. Oh look, it must be Rumspringa for Oompa Loompas.

07. Between the hat and glasses the seagulls here have incredible aim.

06. Thar be buried treeshur thar...and diseases

05. I'm not vacationing here again, to many shaved Ewoks with expensive sunglasses on

04. Some have notches in their bedpost...she's obviously more of an on the go type whore.

03. It's like a buoy with hair...and fucked up sunglasses

02. Be vewy vewy quiet, she's hunting muscle bound guidos to beat her up and steal her money.

01. Oh looks it's that no talent bitch Snooki. Let's throw used junkie needles at her.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS SNOOKI



AND FINALLY!! The most Suck My Ass It Smells thing this week. Well, again I need no diatribe. Just watch and feel the douche chills.



Hey Tiger SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS!!

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS WEEKLY RECAP

Well it's time again folks for that little slice of life that shows us why most celebrities aren't worth the paper they are printed on. I'm guessing that we as a culture unconsciously manifest all of our worst traits and ideals on famous folks because MY GOD do they act like self-deserving cunts. I always wait for the week that there won't be anything cuntalicious to report and every week there is. OK, let's get this shitstorm started.




CHANGING MINDS ABOUT ABORTION ALL OVER THE WORLD

If ever there were two prime candidates for the Steel Cage Death Match it's these two talentless self important bags of smelly dead rotting bull testicles. In the SCDM these two would have to fight to the death and the winner gets to be killed. Apparently Russell Brand a man who is so unfunny it's like taking a shit filled with sharp rocks in it just to listen to him tell a joke is dating Katy Perry. I guess he figures looking like Bigfoot from Bigfoot and Wild Boy makes him funny but all it does is make him look like Cousin It's cocaine and heroine addicted stepson. I'd hand this idiot a bar of soap but unless it was made of little girl vagina laced in meth he wouldn't use it.

Perry herself is a curious enigma simply because I think she's supposed to be a pop singer but so far she's just been a bouncing pair of alabaster breasts creating an imaginary target for flying teenage boy semen around the world. I asked like six different people if they knew who she was and only one guy said singer. The rest either thought she was a Burning Angel girl or the next Carmen Electra in that she was a pretty girl that rode celebrity cock to stay famous.

Regardless both of these vapid douche bags have found each other which means a melee of vinegar smells and flopping breasts to follow. I'm glad these two found each other because existing with half a brain and soul is hard to do. Now they can be one complete cunt instead of two halves of one.




WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF A HAS BEEN AND A NEVER WAS!!

Apparently hack director Guy Ritchie called Madonna "retarded" in a recent interview, which is all fine and good because realistically these two testaments of a forgotten age deserve each other. They should never have gotten divorced because, well, since they have Madonna has started melting and Ritchie has kept himself busy taking brilliant pieces of literature and turning them into action shitshows so Robert "EGO" Downey JR can pretend he actually matters.

I guess I love this story because both of them are such sad cases to watch spiral into nothing. Madonna used to be this big sex kitten type but her complete fear that the Grim Reaper is starting to plot his bus route to her door has forced her to work out waaaay too much and plastic surgery herself until she looks like a weird mutant creature from Star Trek The Next Generation. Did you see her dancing with Justin Timberlake in that video? It was so sad, like your buddy's drunken mother trying to hit on you.

As for Ritchie I never understood this guy ever. His movies were all bad Quentin Tarantino rip offs (which is saying something) with British accents. He always seemed so preoccupied with being cool he never actually directed a good movie. Now he's trying to make a comeback with Sherlock Holmes which I personally hope fails miserably mainly because they've fucked up the whole character so Richie can be cool again.

These two sad "retards" deserve each other.




LET ME BE YOUR MEAT PIE OF LOVE...

So super awesome good guy Kevin Federline has not only increased his appetite for snacks but also destruction (get it...appetite for destruction!! GOD DAMN i'm fucking funny) and now he's getting sued. Apparently his rented home in Tarzana California was left nearly destroyed and old Kevy Kev vanished with six months left on his lease. The house was torn apart, gutters ripped out, broken lights, bent light posts, broken dishwasher, etc. Now Kev is on the hook for $110,000 bucks.

See to me this is grossly unfair because it wasn't his fault. Obviously what happened was one of his pets snuck off with the last couple of Ho-Hos and hid them somewhere. After a lengthy workout of trying to ooze his Double Wide Charm (a term that works on two different levels) on unsuspecting 60 year old rich widows who need cock even if it is fat ex-back up dancer cock, Kevy Kev came back to no Ho-Hos and had to find them. In his desperate search a few unnecessary things were broken and now these damn asshole landlords want money for something that was clearly the cat's fault. Hang in there Kev a new day is dawning.

PS I also loved that he turned a room into a studio without permission, why? Was he hoping for another rap album to go Copper? Kevy Kev with a home studio is like Rush Limbaugh with a home gym or George Bush with a soul....it serves no purpose.





WHO LET THE DOG OUT?

OK I saved this raging shitbag for last because my venom for him is pure and never ending. For those who don't know this cunt is Michael Vick the football player that was arrested and sent to jail for having dog fights in his basement. Yep, dogs had to die so this shitbag and his loser friends could get their penises all hard at the type of carnage they can't get on the football field. It wasn't enough to jump on grown muscle men with pads and rub against them and dominate them in order to get the "ball out of their hands"...oh no. Vick needed real death and destruction so he could show how much of a fucking MAN he is and nothing says that like killing dogs.

After this waste of sperm was released the world relented in horror when he was signed to the Eagles to play football again. I didn't really get too upset because the ever devolving cesspool of humanity never surprises me. Who cares if this raging shitheel killed dogs, he could make us some quick money so throw a uniform on him and get him back out on the field.

As if that wasn't bad enough now comes proof not only that there is no God but that Satan has pushed the human soul in between his sweaty nutsack to dry up some old demonic ball cheese. BET is giving Vick his own reality show about the hardships he's going through. The moving masses of demonic larva covered in human skin (otherwise known as producers) are trying to say this will be a more serious show focusing on Vick's problems since his release. FUCK THAT, FUCK IT UNTIL IT BLEEDS AND DIES. I don't care how tough this cunt's life is, in fact I want to watch it get worse. This guy breaks the law, kills animals and then gets a big football contract and a TV show? Where is 2012 when you fucking NEED IT!!!

The best is that Vick says the show will be "a blueprint for teaching kids about adversity"

I will repeat that....

"A BLUEPRINT FOR TEACHING KIDS ABOUT ADVERSITY"

Well yeah, y'know, that makes sense, that's a good idea. I know all across this great land of ours, every 16 seconds or so, a child has a moral epileptic seizure and leaps from his yellow bus to try and find dogs to train into killing machines. Who hasn't held a family member close after their young boy or girl has been caught in the basement betting their Superbowl ring on pitbull fights. FUCK THIS GUY. The only show I'll watch of his is if each week he's slathered with blood and thrown into a pit to fight 25 hungry pitbulls. That's not only karma but DAMN GOOD TV!!


See you all next time.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS WEEKLY RECAP

HIPSTERS RUIN EVERYTHING!!

Well I gotta say, it took less time for the hipsters of the world to ruin Where The Wild Things Are then I thought it would. Once I found out that Spike Jonze was going to direct the film version I knew the Hipster community would descend on it like a pack of Jackals. I don't blame Spike for this, he seems like a really genuine guy but between him directing and that fucking talentless hack bitch Wendy O doing the soundtrack Hipsters everywhere were rubbing themselves like Ecstasy addicts locked in a velvet room.

Above is an example of what I mean. Now all the shit cunt hipsters who never heard of the book but will attest to it being "one of their favorites" now can dress up like Max from the book for a mere $610. I fully expect to somebody like Drew Barrymore standing at the Bonaroo Festival dressed in one talking about how "Magical" everything is until somebody slams a cock in her mouth with enough cocaine on it to freeze her jaws shut. Even if the hipsters can't purchase these it just shows that the marketing campaign is aimed at these useless fools. I can just see some chick on the real world in footy Max pajamas drinking a latte and talking about life. That's when I show up with the razor dildo from Seven and start doling out revenge shredder cock style.

Hipsters: SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS!!!





ALL I HEAR IS RADIO GAGA, RADIO BLAH BLAH!!

Here's Lady Gagwithpenis or Lady gotsadisease or whatever this "artists" name is walking through an airport trying not to be noticed. She accomplishes this goal by dressing like Andy Warhol's ugly wrestler brother post Tranny-OP...good plan. Can we kill this bitch, can we seriously just toss her in a ditch and leave her for dead?

She's the musical equivalent of Vanna White or the Pet Rock. She does nothing, serves no real purpose and yet people love her. She can save her Studio-54-meets-pop-dance stuff for Star Search where it belongs. GaGa should be grateful she's nailed the gay man dance party market or she'd still be offering up blowjobs to the restaurant manager in exchange for extra time off to "record" in her parents basement. The bloody Princess Diana thing on the MTV awards was a class act.

Lady GaGa: Suck My Ass It Smells.




KANYE GOES TO REHAB IN YET ANOTHER PLANNED CAREER MOVE.

What else can you say about Kanye West that hasn't been said since he manned up and snatched a great moment away from a 17 year old girl? I thought it was bad enough when he called the Jackson family and asked if he could start calling himself the King Of Pop but no, he beat my expectations. The best part about this is that he's a talentless hack, a fucking one trick pony that's running out of tricks. Outside of being as lame as white kids who wear baseball caps to the side Kanye has now shown he's such a cunt that even OJ would look at him and say "Dude you suck".

When the President of the United States says you're a jackass well, you've done yourself proud. Perhaps DC Comics can send one of those Black Lantern rings into the ground to raise your mom up so she can kick the shit out of you. I'll bet she's rolling in her grave anyway.

Kanye now says he's going to rehab because of an alcohol problem. WOW, how not manufactured is that? It's like Kayne whipped out the "Come Back From Being A Punchline" rock star manual and followed it step by step. I think his rehab should be sitting under 10 heat lamps all day and night and right when he's about to be given water somebody slaps it out of his hand and says "Imma let you finish..."

Kanye West: Suck My Ass It Smells




FRED DURST NOW A COMPLETE FAILURE AT EVERYTHING HE TRIES

So let's see, old Freddy Boy Durst tried to be more than a flash in the pan...failed. Tried to be a producer....failed. Tried to be a director....failed. Tried to bring Limp Bizkit back...failed. Tried to have a sex tape out there....failed. Now his three month or whatever marriage is over...failed.

Good for Fred, at least he's consistent. My personal favorite are all the people at MTV who worked there when I was there (are you listening Dave Sirlunick?) that kissed this losers ring and treated him like he mattered. I'll bet they're hiding their heads now and trying to pretend they always hated him. The next thing I hope Durst fails is and AIDS test.




JOHN AND KATE PLUS 8 NOW WITHOUT JOHN.

I'm not sure if you heard but apparently these two poster children for The Worst Parents Ever are getting divorced. I know, I know, I was shocked to. I'm looking for some coverage on it but I really can't find anything. Now because of the divorce the show will now kick John to the curb and be Kate Plus 8. In reaction to this John has filed papers to try and stop the divorce and "open up communication". Big talk from a guy nailing anything that said yes this summer.

My questions here is, do these two ego maniacs even know they have children? Has anybody on set introduced them to their kids and said "These are yours, you are responsible for them?" I doubt it because John and Kate don't act like they have kids, they act like they have accessories to the show. Does it bum them out that the kids aren't disassembled and put into a trunk until the next time they're needed on set? Seriously you fuckers, get it together.

These kids will grow up watching over and over their parents acting like squabbling teens outside the prom and get to watch dad be inside more woman than a Gynecologists rubber glove. Wow, that's great parenting, that's really first rate shit. John doesn't want to open up lines of communication or work things out for his children but because he might lose his gravy train. I understand. I mean how is he going to be able to squirt his black demon seed on 15 year old titties if they don't know who he is.

I'm waiting for the next show in twelve years called The 8 Kids On Rehab. Well done you two, seriously, kudos all around.

John & Kate: Suck My Ass It Smells

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS KANYE WEST

I think we've all long known that Kanye West is a cunt, like a super cunt, and what's worse is he's a talentless hack cunt. People out at "da club" might have though "Gold Digger" was a "club bangah" but since then what has he really done? A lot of bullshit cameos and clothing ads but nothing in his musical repartee comes anywhere near making him as good as he thinks he is. West is like the human embodiment of the Emperor's New Clothes. There's lots of falderall and bluster but when you really look there's NOTHING THERE!!! I always knew West was a conceited cunt bag but this recent move takes the cake. Not only does he think he should be the new King Of Pop but he asked the Jackson Family for their blessing WHILE THEY ARE STILL MOURNING!! Dig this:


"You know everyone loves and respects Michael but times change. It's so sad to see Michael gone but it makes a path for a new King of Pop and I'm willing to take that on," so he told Scrape TV.

On what makes him deserve the title, Kanye said, "There's nobody who can match me in sales and in respect so it only makes sense for me to take over Michael's crown and become the new King." The rapper then added, "First there was Elvis [Presley], then there was Michael, now in the 21st century it's Kanye's time to rule. I have nothing but respect for Michael but someone needs to pick up where he left off and there's nobody better than me to do that. I am the new King of Pop."

Furthermore, Kanye reportedly has reached out to the Jackson family to obtain official permission to use the title but so far received no response from them. It is believed that the family is still mourning over Michael's death.

OK I'm not sure what sales he's talking about but I'd guess we could whip out some folks who've sold more than you. Jay Z, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, etc. The other thing is that nobody respects you because you do shitty like things like this. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure Jackson's impact around the world has, is and will always be bigger than Kanye "13:52 Remaining" West.

Seriously, from the bottom of my colon Kanye....Suck My Ass It Smells

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS GWYNTH PALTROW

HELLO PEASANTS, THIS IS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT CALLING YOU.


There was a day way back where it seemed like Gwynth Paltrow might be kind of cool. She seemed like that actress who could be hugely famous and still sit down and have a beer. Yeah, well, all that has flown out the fucking window and now she's just another catty cunt celebrity forgetting how lucky they have it as compared to the rest of us. She keeps throwing tantrums, being bitchy on the set of Iron Man II to the point that it's almost comical and then going on these tangents about how hard her life is. She even has that singer from Coldplay dropping his career to come play nursemaid to her bullshit. Here's a recent note from her highness to us peaons:

"As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago)."


WOW GP thanks for sharing such deep and incredible insights during your rough period. It's an inspiration to all us working stiffs how you can cleanse your body on a special program designed just for you after gaining weight during a "Relax And Enoy Life Phase"

RELAX AND ENJOY LIFE PHASE?

God I hate when celebrities say things like that, it's so insulting. Oh you're stressed and overworked? Well suck my ass it smells GP because we're all under that pressure only we don't get millions for our jobs nor do we vacation in exotic spots to try and recoup. Most of the world gets shit on and has to clean up and jump right back into the toilet.

I think I'd like to relax by grabbing a crowbar and enjoy life by beating you to death with it.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS CRISS ANGEL.

You know what's awesome? When something like this just writes itself. To be really honest I wouldn't need to write anything I could just have a shitload of arrows pointing this picture of Criss Angel and that would do the trick. This guy oozes DOUCHE, I mean he really oozes it. It's no wonder he can escape tight ropes and handcuffs because he's layered up with so much Douche Oooze he slides right out.

For those who are blissfully unaware Criss Angel is a "Magician" who takes himself entirely too seriously. For instance he did a Nu-Metal song with Sully Erna from Godsmack without a hint of irony. If that doesn't show a complete lack of what is funny I don't know what does.

Angel is that guy who hung out outside the Circle K Deli doing whippits and blasting Motley Crue until one day somebody played him Tool and it changed his life. Suddenly he wanted to be artistic in a really mall hero kind of way. I'm sure after his first Tool concert he took to wearing a 3/4 length black wool coat and nail polish. He sat alone and really played up the rebel role.

Angel's magic tricks might be kind of cool if he wasn't the most pretentious fucking douche bag you have ever seen. This guy wears lots of chains with mystical symbols, he has bad tattoos and likes to burn candles and use gothic imagery to show how "underground" he is. For anybody with any kind of understanding about the Universe he is a laughable punch line you want to vomit on. Imagine a way less interesting Dave Navarro who does magic tricks instead of plays guitar. It's that level of DOUCHERY.

Recently his magic show bit the dust and word has it his big Cirque De Soleil performance was a bust. I guess it's back to the strip clubs and high school dances to troll for "babes" and try to remain a hero in somebody's eyes.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS ELI ROTH

BRO, SHE WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR IT. DID YOU SEE HER DRESS? SHE DUG IT BRO, HIGH FIVE


It's getting mighty expensive to try and find out Douche Chill Ratings in Hollywood mainly because of guys like Brett Ratner, Jared Leto, and this guy Eli Roth. The expense comes in repairing my Douche Chill Rating Machine that seems to shatter every time I point it at uber douches like Roth. God this guy fucking sucks, a hack director who rivals only Rob Zombie in his inability to write or direct. Have you ever seen his movies? Between Cabin Fever and Hostel I figure this guy owes me a little over three hours of my life back and I'm just fine taking it out in blood.

First of all look at him, he oozes that douchey date rapist frat boy vibe that makes me want to beat him to death with a reel of his own film. Roth is part of what Hollywood calls the Splat Pack (oohhh isn't that fuck clever) which is a gaggle of horror movie makers that love excess gore and violence. What that really means is they are part of a trend in Hollywood where your young, hipster, geek-as-fashion-statement swagger seems to blind people from the fact that your movies suck. All of Roth's movies have uninteresting cliched characters involved in something so stupid that if it wasn't over the top violent people would be burning down the movie theater to get refunds.

Of course Roth is down with the king of Hip-Not-Talented Quentin Tarantino. Apparently Roth isn't just happy spewing his sewage as a director, he's now going to vomit on our souls with his acting in Tarantino's new film Inglorious Bastards. This is a hipster free for all that I hope fails as badly as Grindhouse did.

I can only assume that Eli Roth has photos of a major Hollywood producer or studio head with either a live boy or a dead girl because outside of that I'm having a hard time figuring out his career. Sadly one of his most Douche Chilling performances was in the documentary The Shark Is Still Working The Legacy And Impact Of Jaws. While the film itself kicks major ass it is nearly impossible to watch Roth without wanting to kick him in the grapes with a spiked boot. Everybody else is talking about how Jaws inspired them to become filmmakers but Roth can only talks about himself. How he knew he was doing the right thing because he read the Jaws log, how his brilliant films are being edited down but it was never like that with Jaws.

Well yeah dickhead Jaws was amazing, your films are the Gonorrhea of horror movies. They arrive, they're awful, painful and they won't go away. Now this cunt is going to direct the movie version of The Cell from Stephen King's novel. I can only hope when he has to direct a big budget movie that is forced to involve characters and dialog he fails on an epic level and has to go crawling back into the hole he was spawned from.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS NO DOUBT

OK everybody get ready to whip out your "Iann Is A Hater" card because I'm filled with venom on this one. Ever since No Doubt announced they'd be getting back together to record a new album people have been acting like it's the second coming.

So being a music fan I have to call BULLSHIT on that whole idea. No Doubt are not some seminal band with a great influence on music who have returned to show us all how it's done. This is an extremely average pop band that had two key strokes of luck. First off they had Gwen Stefani who clearly won the genetic lottery. She is so hot that most of the world largely ignored her awful lyrics and how she's a one trick pony when it comes to singing style.

The other stroke of luck was the their first album was largely written by Gwen's brother who left the band when it became clear they were going to sell out their original ska-ish roots to become a pop juggernaut. The brother wrote some nifty stuff so the first album was pretty damn good. Even with Gwen's barf-o-rama lyrics of unrequited love as told from the point of view of a 9th grader the songs were solid and well crafted.

After that pretty much everything they did either sucked or was so unbelievably average you were left scratching your head. Then you had to put up with the actual band itself which was awful. Is it me or does everybody want to smash the drummer in the head until he bleeds out of his eyes? WE GET IT DUDE you can take your pants off and wear panties when you play and rock a Mohawk and clearly try every cliche bullshit thing in the world to seem "CRAZY". I'm sorry your mother held you too long or not long enough but please, spare us.

Then we have the other two guys. First there's the bass player who always looks so smug you just want to grab the drummer by the ankles and beat him to death. I'd rank on the guitar player but his lot in life is already sad. The third tier "character" in the No Doubt cartoon. He's like the musical equivalent of the nameless guy who gets killed in the first 5 minutes of Star Trek.

Then we have Gwen, giggly, smiley, putrid Gwen. This chick got into music so she could make handbags and live the lifestyle. There is nothing about her that says she gives two shits about music. If you think "B-A-N-A-N-A-S" is some kind of awesome lyrical achievement then kill yourself.

No joke, just go kill yourself.

No Doubt are a one note player piano that somehow got stuck in the "on" position so they never shut down. They are huge because men want to fuck Gwen Stefani and girls want to look like her. Musically they are nothing more than a patchwork quilt that has taken shreds of various genres and slapped them together into something functional but not very impressive.

So to No Doubt and their "I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE BACK" self importance attitudes SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS LINDSEY LOHAN

LOHAN HOPING ALL THE WATER FALLING IN HER MOUTH ISN'T FULL OF CALORIES

For the inaugural run of Can I Get A Fuck You I figured no better place to start than with Lindsey Lohan. This crazy bitch had everything, EVERYTHING anybody could possibly want. Money, fame, love, respect, career, and it was all handed to her. She was maybe 12 when she played her first role and from then on it was big picture after big picture. She became the role model for little girls who ran out and saw her crappy movies and bought all her merchandise. She had critics thinking she might develop actual talent at some point so she was starting to get offered real meaty roles. CHRIST she couldn't sing worth a fuck and the crazy bitch managed to get a recording contract and sell albums.

Then she decided she'd play the "Party Girl Actress Card" for no fuck reason. It's one thing to do lots of drugs, stay out all night and act generally stupid in public when you're famous. Robert Downey JR is one of the many who pulled that shit and managed to keep his career alive. Lohan snorted enough cocaine to start getting Christmas cards from Bolivian drug czars who legally changed their name to Tony Montoya as well as seeing which alcoholic beverage supplier she could run out of business first. She didn't show up for work, started talking shit about people until movie executives started firing her and getting her off of movies. MOVIE EXECUTIVES did this. These lying scumwhores would stuff any pills they could find down the mouth of an actor/actress just to get them on set. Lohan managed to make it too difficult for these people, that's a real achievment.

I think it also sucked that she was so boring about it. Her whole thing read like a "child star goes awry" handbook. Britney had the common decency to shave her head in public, blather like an idiot and crash her car constantly but only going 5 miles an hour. That's at least fun shit to watch. Lohan decided it would be better to go by a tragedy child star checklist:

Start drinking

Go to Rehabd

Get out and do press tour about how much better it is being sober.

Relapse

Go back to rehab and blame parents

Relapse into harder drugs

Don't show up for work enough to get fired.

Get in trouble with the law

continue drinking so that trouble gets worse

start high profile lesbian affair

try and make fun of yourself when lesbian relationship goes wrong

start losing so much weight you stay in the public eye because people want to see if you ever finally vanish into thin air

Hope that in 5 years a young director, who loved you when he was young, puts you in a cool indie movie so you can do the "career comeback" bullshit and show up at Sundance in a skully cap and sunglasses talking about all that you've learned.

DOUCHE CHILL RATING SYSTEM: 95% (IF SHE DOES HARDCORE PORN 50%)

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS: BAM MARGERA VS HARRY KNOWLES

LET THE FIGHT BEGIN:

The two men begin to circle each other, which is no small feat for Bam. Knowles is already out of breath from the 30 seconds of forward motion but the stink from Margera's shitty pants could have something to do with it. Margera, once he realized his "posse" wouldn't be there to fight his battles for him instantly shit himself and it's really hurt his mobility.

Margera has decided to use his ability at pompous grandstanding to keep Knowles off balance but it's met with the fierce self-importance shield that Knowles raises whenever his eyes open. Both men circle again with Knowles shouting "Harry Here" to an unsympathetic crowd.

Margera whips out one of his many signature skateboards that nobody bought and swings it at Knowles's giant head. It catches a natty twist of red curls but Knowles manages to counter by tossing one of his collection of 16mm prints right at the legs of Margera. Sadly Margera was busy lifting up his shirt to show the crowd his abs so the 16mm print caught him square in the back.

Margera rolls and counters with a brutal attack of eyeliner staining Knowles's already food-stained shirt even more. Knowles begins his own attack by uselessly prattling off all the famous people he knows or has met in an attempt to confuse Margera.

Margera, easily confused by shampoo directions, is caught off guard and tossed against the ropes. It's looking bad for this average skateboarder turned MTV sitcom star as his 15 minutes of fame seriously begin to run out. Margera isn't done yet, he still has his hidden gross of god-awful band T-shirts.

Knowles tries to counter the offense with a list of random movie facts nobody cares about but Margera's endless supply of HIM t-shirts knocks the fat man of movies onto his ass.

Margera senses the kill is near so he quickly paints Knowles's fingernails and then raises a boot to his face. Knowles tries to block but realizing he hasn't actually done anything but kiss ass drains his power and the boot tears through his skull. Margera has won.

The judges come out and make their decision. Placing Margera on his knees they put two bullets in the back of his skull and leave his lifeless body laying across the already decaying Knowles.

EVERYBODY WINS.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK>

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS BOBBY JINDAL

LOUISIANA GOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL.


This guy is the ultimate example of the sleazy, scummy, reprehensible Republican. He's worse than somebody like Rush Limbaugh because this guy actually has power. Jindal not only refused money to help the poor and unemployed of Louisiana because he thought it was more important to look good to his fellow Republican snakes he also i straight lying about Obama's spending. He said it's cost more than the Vietnam and Iraq war which is total bullshit.

Just like the other Republicans Jindal is filled with zero ideas. He claims Obama's spending is irresponsible but when asked for his own ideas he says things like "re-energize the economy" and "restore confidence in America". He doesn't offer any real ideas he just regurgitates political slogans and then goes back to bashing Obama.

Turn the tables on this used car salesmen asshole and bash him.

DOUCHE CHILL RATING OF: OFF THE FUCKING CHARTS