DRAGON DICK?

HE IS GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT


Since I was a little kid I have loved me some dragons. I played D&D, saw Dragonslayer (in the theater) about 10 times and pretty much salivated over anything having to do with the flying beasts or lore. Since then finding a good dragon movie has been a tough road to hoe. The last one I can remember was Dragonheart and even that was just okay. Since then there's been the god awful D&D movie, the equally shitty Reign Of Fire starring Christian Bale and Matthew Mcoughnowhatshisname. Now comes Age Of Dragons, a dragon movie based on the book Moby Dick by Herman Mellville.

The film stars Danny Glover as a crazy bastard looking to kill the Great White Dragon that slaughtered his family. Between the many dragons, the hot chick, and Glover kicking the ham acting up a notch I will be forced to see this movie. Add to that how Moby Dick is one of my favorite books and now I'm even a little excited to see it. Here's the trailer:

You Know What's Great About All The New X-Men First Class News----NOTHING!!

Recently Bryan Singer called name dropping douche bag sellout bitch film guy Harry Knowles to chat all about the super neato groovy bullshit that's going to make X-Men: The First Class good even though it doesn't have shit to do with the actual first class of the X-Men. First we learned that Kevin Bacon will play Sebastian Show the leader of the Hellfire Club. We also learned this is a Silver Age movie and that the costumes will be more comic bookish. Yep those little tidbits mean that even though Jean Grey, Cyclops, and Iceman won't be in the movie it'll be an asshole puckered good time.

Let me add a wrinkle.

Having listened to this whole run down of nifty idea I have to say FUCK YOU that I'm a little confused as to why this means anything. First off who cares who Kevin Bacon plays, secondly Sebastian Shaw and The Hellfire Club first appeared in 1980. Exactly how the FUCK does that have anything to do with the Silver Age at all? With a non Silver Age villain and X-Men who weren't confined just to Silver Age how exactly is this a silver age movie again?

Oh right, I forgot, the costumes will be nifty and more comic bookish. Well sew my cock and sprinkle my ass with butter I'm sold. A total lack of understanding of the characters, involvement in a Silver Age movie by mostly non-Silver Age heroes and being directed by the hack bitch who gave us Kick Ass---that can all be undone by cool ass costumes. Case closed, this one is gonna ROCK!!!

As for Bryan Singer being involved I understand completely that I am in the minority here. I felt the first X-Men was boring as shit and the second one was okay at best. I realize I'm one of the few people on planet Earth that doesn't grab the KY and start jerking when those movies are mentioned but I'm not so having Bryan Singer involved doesn't mean anything. Plus he's not directing, he's producing, which doesn't mean much.

If they wanted to have a Silver Age X-Men movie then why not have it with the Silver Age X-Men and their villains and so on. Why go this ridiculous route of cramming this full of shit to market and then try to sell it as a Silver Age movie. Much like the Spider-Man reboot, Thor, Captain America and the upcoming Avengers, this is a movie be design, something built by bean counters, a marketing team and the Research And Development people. It's another in a long line of superhero movies done by committee.

TOP 5 NEWS ITEMS I DON'T CARE ABOUT 8/20/2010

I've been away for awhile mainly due to me new job, which is cool but doesn't allow me much time to write or do anything fun. Damn that being a grown up bullshit. Anyhoo over the past week so much has gone down and a good deal of it I don't give a flying fuck about at all. Being that I like to tell people about things I don't care about here are the Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About.





5. Matthew Lillard Might Be In Scream 4

Not only do I not care about Matthew Lillard but I don't give a shit about this movie. Scream was the beginning of the end for good horror movies and the two sequels sucked so bad it was hard to believe they weren't making it up as they went along. One of my least favorite parts of Scream was Lillard and one of my most favorite things was watching his fucking career implode. I hated his date rapist smile, his laugh, anything about him made me sick.

Scream 4 has been beset by so many problems I'm sure Bob and Harvey Weinstein are trying to drum up whatever rumors and bullshit they can to keep interest alive. Think about it, Neve Campbell (who I still want to fuck for some reason) hasn't done shit for years and even SHE doesn't want to come back for the 4th movie. I hope Matthew Lillard isn't in Scream 4 because the whole fucking thing gets shut down.






4. JUMPER Might Get A Sequel

Oh well thank God because if ever a movie deserved a sequel it was this worthless sci-fi shitpile. The movie jumped out of theaters faster than the hero in the movie (played by Hayden Christiensen--the guy who ruined Darth Vader) and the one silver lining was that there would be no sequel. NOPE, the slime cunts over at Fox are clamoring for a franchise since Percy Jackson and The A-Team tanked hard over the summer. I guess a franchise is so important that sequels to miserable failures are being considered. Good time for people to start talking about Jaws 5.





3. Early Buzz Says David Fincher's "The Social Network" Is Really Good

Okay first of all David Fincher hasn't done anything that hasn't sucked ass since Fight Club (Zodiac was boring and Benjamin Buttons was furiously awful) so hearing his movie about the rise of Facebook starring The Other Michael Cera does nothing to motivate me to see this movie. A movie about Facebook? Fuck yourself.






2. Twilight Eclipse Director To Direct Wolverine Sequel

Well of course. I mean heebee geebee and pork my sister who else to helm a violent action movie based on the classic Frank Miller series than a guy who fucked around with sexy vampires and buff werewolves. Why not have the director of The Switch helm the next Batman movie. Who cares? Hollycunt sure doesn't.






1. DC Animated Release Their Shorts On Disc

Let me see if I have this right, just so I'm clear. DC Animated has taken three of the shorts already available on their earlier animated releases, combined it with one twelve minute short titled The Return Of Black Adam featuring Shazam and Superman and will sell it for $30 (more for bluray). Um....okay, does anybody see that as an incredible amount of bullshit? Who is going to pay $30 for four shorts and what about those who bought the movies? They get a 12 minute short f0 $30? Oh, oh wait I see, there's 2.5 hours of extras. That's like head that ends before you cum. Smooth move DC Animated, no wonder you fuckers are failing.

Apparently Mephisto Is Directing The Spider-Man Reboot

I only say that because according to sources deep within the bloody, puss filled womb of Hollywood say that Peter Parker's love interest in the upcoming Spider-Man waste of fucking time movie reboots won't be Mary Jane. The only way this will work is if the filmmakers step up and make her Gwen Stacey even though I Gwen Stacey wasn't really in Peter's High School days. Perhaps it'll tie in with X-Men: First Class which also has nothing to do with that which it says it does.

The casting for the coveted "love interest" part has been a cavalcade of people nobody knows or gives a shit about. Teresa Palmer (The Sorcerers Apprentice), Emma Roberts (Scream 4), Imogen Poots (???) and a bunch of others have read with Andrew Garfield the boy and incredibly WRONG casting choice playing Peter Parker/Spider-Man in the reboot. I think it'd be cool if they never did this eliminated the whole love thing. Sure introduce the female characters but let Spider-Man just be an action film for once.

Xavier's Community College For Gifted Youngster

Apparently in the new ass pumping shit storm of Hollywood afterbirth X-Men movie X-MEN: fuck you fans THE FIRST CLASS the one big change is that there will be open enrollment, much like the community college I now attend. See in my understanding of the X-Men series (and really who the fuck am I besides a 30 year deep comic reader) Professor X originally only had certain people involved in order to keep the secret. Angel, Iceman, Jean Grey, Cyclops and Beast. The rest of the onslaught were brought in later when times got tough.

Well HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and BEND OVER fans because the movie has every fucker you'd want dancing around in what was supposed to be the "beginning" of the X-Men. Here's the newest honor roll:

• January Jones as Emma Frost
• Zoe Kravitz as Angel (Don't know about that, wasn't Angel a guy?)
• Jason Flemyng as Azazel
• Michael Fassbender as Magneto
• James McAvoy as Professor X
• Nicholas Hoult as Beast
• Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique
• Caleb Landry Jones as Banshee
• Lucas Till as Havoc
• Edi Gathegi as Darwin (Uh, who?)
• Rose Byrne as Moira MacTaggert
• Kevin Bacon as most likely Mr. Sinister
• Oliver Platt as the "Man in Black"

I am hoping that perhaps they might just consider casting Cyclops, Jean Grey and Iceman sometime SOON since they were actually there for the beginning. Does anybody care about any of this shit or am I spinning my wheels for no goddamn reason?

I hate everything

Hey Kids Here's ANOTHER Reason To Hate The Green Lantern Movie

Sometimes being right sucks ass, sometimes it just isn't enough to know you called something from the word go but I am and I did. From the second Ryan Reynolds was cast as Green Lantern I said this movie was going to be fucking horrible. The next move, showing us the Disco Inferno Green Lantern costume, proved even further I was right and now, now they've really done it. Check out the first image of Killawog from the new movie.



Um, what the fuck is that? I've been reading Green Lantern pushing up on twenty years now and this deformed mutant thing that looks like some kind of abortion had by Falcor from The Neverending Story doesn't look anything like Kilawog. Awesome now they've gone and fucked up one of the key characters to Green Lantern. Kilawog is hardcore tough guy drill sergeant not some wide eyed cutesy character. Thanks Hollywood, thanks for the fresh ass filled with worm infested Sata jizz. God I fucking hate you people.

Leave my stuff alone, go fuck with somebody elses stuff. Do more 3D dance movies, relationship films, let Drew Barrymore say "magical" and whine and bitch in some romance film, but leave my stuff the fuck alone. You don't get it, you don't understand it, you just fucking make it worse.

I hate everything

THE SHOGGOTHS Are Coming, The SHOGGOTHS Are Coming

Remember way back when Guiellmero Del Toro was going to do an At The Mountains Of Madness film but he didn't because he was brought onto the ill fated Hobbit movie? If not don't worry it doesn't matter, MGM is so fucking bankrupt they couldn't make car commercials much less The Hobbit. With The Hobbit stuck in turnaround Hell Del Toro was free to make a good movie and has decided to return to the HP Lovecraft classic tale.

I know those who remember will be a little unnerved remembering all the reports of changes the studio wanted made. It was to be set in modern times, not the thirties, it was to have a love interest, etc. Well worry no more because James Cameron has stepped in to produce the movie and he is one of the few that can a studio so fuck off and they will. Cameron wants Del Toro to stay 100% on point with the original text and that is awesome. Granted with Cameron on the film it'll be in 3-D but at least it'll be the really good 3-D.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #5: FRANK'S BACK....AGAIN

I guess Marvel has never heard the term three strikes and you're out. I say this because the House Of Horseshit Ideas has not only brought The Punisher back into the Marvel movie fold but there's talk of doing a new Punisher film. Correct me if I'm wrong but these idiots have three bites at the apple and fucked up all of them. The first was of course the classically bad Dolph Lundgren Punisher with Louis Gosset JR where Frank Castle lived in the sewer for some reason. Following that there was an attempt at a serious Punisher movie with Thomas Jane and that one wasn't bad.

However according to Jane himself the movie that was put out was not the film he had signed on for and the sequel seemed even worse so he bowed out leaving the part open for this Ray Stevenson guy who sucked nearly as bad as Dolph and while the movie was goofy fun it still didn't get anybody into the theaters. If I was Marvel I'd take this as a sign and just let the Punisher movie go. People either don't want to see it or it's a story nobody has figured out how to tell. Either way who fucking cares, a fourth movie is a dumb idea.

Feel The Beat Of The Rhythm Of The TRON!!

So for the last several months all kinds of shitheels have popped up saying that they were official Daft Punk tunes from the new TRON LEGACY movie. Well worry no more because here are six confirmed tracks for you to listen to and they're pretty awesome:

Daft Punk for Tron Legacy Soundtrack by Hypetrak

THOR IS IN THOR!!

Okay let me not front, I took this whole thing from TOPLESS ROBOT but I did it because the guy who writes the site Rob Bricken said nobody would care and I wanted to show him that at least one other person cares!! It turns out that actor Eric Allen Kramer, who played Thor in the Hulk Vs Thor TV movie is going to be in the new Thor film. Just like Mr. Bricken I to think that kicks a whole lot of ass.

For those who don't know after the end of The Incredible Hulk series Bill Bixby and the gang rounded up and did some movies to further the adventures of the green skinned hero. The Hulk met Thor and Daredevil, went on trial and finally died (that one pissed me the FUCK off because the Hulk dying from a helicopter fall is bullshit). No, they probably weren't very good by today's standards but I loved them and they still hold a place in my heart.

I'm not sure what Eric Allen Kramer is playing in Thor but it's one reason that I might go see it. There's little chance of this being a coincidence so whoever decided to bring him into the film deserves a big hug from every dork in the world. Oh and also Mr. Bricken good call on the Vincent D'nofrio idea as well.

MARVEL COMICS Tries To Use Art To Save Their Movies....Idiots

Everybody knows art and film no longer belong together....yeesh. So after the unexcited response to the Thor stills and the geek nervous breakdown over the polished Captain America costume art the folks at Marvel I guess started panicking. See both of these movies are setting up to be real boils on the ass of Marvel's well aerobicized ass. If Thor plays out as silly as it looks and Captain America comes across like a teen heartthrob then neither film will work and the Avengers movie will be fucked. To try and drum up the good times Marvel released these concept art posters for San Diego Comic Con.




While these sure are nifty looking what Marvel doesn't get is that the visuals aren't what we're looking for. We want good, solid, well done representations of these characters on screen. You can have Natalie Portman (starring in Thor) naked, bent over with one of these painted on her back saying "I want you from behind Iann" and I still won't give these movies my approval.

Okay well maybe I would then but...well...you get it.

X-MEN FIRST CLASS Goes The Old Tits And Ass Route

The above is a picture of Jennifer Lawrence who has been hired to play Mystique for the X-Men The First Class debacle currently casting. See originally it was supposed to be about the original X-Men but when Hollywood decided they had to cram as many fucking mutants as they could into it that went out the window.

Now First Class has Emma Frost, Havok, Bishop, and of course Mystique. None of these people have shit to do with the original X-Men but since Hollywood doesn't give a flying fuck, why should we? I refuse to see this movie, period. The only way I'll see Miss Lawrence as Mystique is if she hires me to personally paint her naked body with blue make up.

So....yeah....that means never.

BURN Baby BURN Disco GREEN LANTERN

Or it could be:

Ohhh Green Lantern Howdya Like It Howdya It

OR

Saturday Night Lanterns

But whatever you call it the idea of pure suck will be there to. This is the first shot of Ryan Reynolds as the Green Lantern and it has taken away any uncertainty that this movie will suck huge amounts of swampy ass. First Ryan Reynolds is the complete wrong guy to play Hal Jordan and now his costume is so gay that gay men won't go see this movie lest they be thought too gay.

Seriously, a disco light on a black light suit or whatever the fuck this is, that's the best they could do? It staggers the mind to think that anybody would think this is a good idea much less invest money in it. Well here's another DC hero we can say goodbye to as he's given the Hollywood shit bath.

Oh and if you wanted a good place to punch Ryan Reynolds:



I hate everything

Don't Make Me RUFFALO, You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm RUFFALO

So with Ed Norton now out of the way the next guy rumored to be Hulking out is Mark Ruffalo and I have to say while I have reservations it is, as my my buddy Chris Speidel says....inspired casting. Granted this is a rumor and the last one we heard was of Joaquin Phoenix playing the Hulk. Man, I still think Rapping Hulk woulda been BOSS!!

Anyhoo Ruffalo is a great actor my only worry is that they don't reign in the "quirky" vibe he gives a lot of his characters. If Ruffalo can keep the intensity he has and lose the quirkiness then this could be a kick ass bit of casting news. However don't piss and moan if they decide to make Taylor Lautner the Hulk to get butts in seats.

We'll see how it goes

You Spin Me Roun SUPERMAN Round Round.....

Okay so let's see what we do have that's true. After several failed attempts put Richard Donner's brilliant original Superman the Hollywood folks are gearing up to try and re-launch what could be tentpole franchise if they don't fuck it up. David Goyer, who for my money can't write shit (he only assisted the two Batman movies) is penning the script based on the John Byrne era of Superman. Christopher Nolan has been hired to oversee/produce the whole thing.


Okay, that's what is true

From there the whole fucking thing becomes a spinning crap shoot that makes me nauseous. First Christopher Nolan's brother Jonah (who co-wrote the Batman scripts) was going to direct but that got pish poshed away. This week it was told that Chris Colombus was going to bring his Home Aloneness to Superman and he would be directing.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!!!

Now it seems that Jonah Nolan will direct, he always was going to direct and that's why Christopher Nolan got involved. Its also been said that a few TV folks have been looked at to play Superman. True Blood star Ryan Kwanten and Friday Night Lights pretty boy Scott Porter have been mentioned as well as Chuck star Zachary Levi.

Clearly none of these guys are right for the role and the idea of casting an unknown is still the way to go. See I think Brandon Routh was a great choice and would have been awesome if Brian Singer hadn't made him play the comic legend as the blueprint for Singer's dream man instead of how the hero really was. They won't bring Routh back but these TV guys ain't the move either.

You got one last try folks, if this Superman sucks people will be done for a very long time.

SCOTT PILGRIM Still Sucks Buuuuut The Chick Is Hot

For all you kooky jacks out there, all you hep cats with an ear for the action, check out this little mini-behind the scenes thing on your Holy Grail, Scott Pilgrim And The Big Battle For His Bitch (or whatever it's called). For me Scott Pilgrim sucks and I have always said that. Even when somebody I thought was a dear friend showed her ASS and started hating me because I didn't like Scott and his adventures through pop culture overload I stuck to me guns.

That being said I show this video not only because I like Edgar Wright (who does some talking) but also because it has multiple shots of Mary Elizabeth Winstead who is really hot in that use-and-then-not-talk-to-again sort alterna porn star way. I could see her blowing me for carrying her groceries but when she came back out from gargling with scope so we could talk about music I'd be on the bus uploading the pictures she didn't know I took to my Facebook page.

Alas I digress, here's the video

THOR AHHHAAA SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE--IN 3D

Call me Nutty Pants McGee but this picture of Thor, Loki and papa Odin has a really big Ming The Merciless goon squad from the 80s Flash Gordon movie ring to it. Either that or some kind of S&M fetish armor aliens swooped down on Valhalla. Regardless it doesn't look right. Mjolnir (that's the name of Thor's hammer for those of you with a life) looks cool but Loki looks like an Asgardian used car salesmen and that foil eye patch over Odin's eye looks more like he got a chewing gum wrapper lodged in his socket.

The best part is that Thor AND Captain America are now both going to be in 3D. Not shot in 3D but post-production add on 3D which sucks giant anus. I'm so excited for Marvel to shit the bed with these movie that it's almost okay how badly they're fucking up the characters.

HULK SMAAAAASH!! Oh, I mean Ed Norton Pissed

Oh this Avengers thing is just getting too rich for words. Not long after the announcement came down that Ed Norton would not return to play Bruce Banner in The Avengers movie Marvel Entertainment President Kevin Fiege released this really shitty and unprofessional statement about why Ed Norton isn't in the movie.

"Our decision is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members. The Avengers demands players who thrive working as part of an ensemble, as evidenced by Robert, Chris H, Chris E, Sam, Scarlett, and all of our talented casts."

Then of course Ed Norton's people, channeling Samuel Jackson said well allow me to retort:

"This offensive statement from Kevin Feige at Marvel is a purposefully misleading, inappropriate attempt to paint our client in a negative light."


Okay let's call bullshit on both sides here. Ed Norton is a cunt, a pretentious asshole who makes everybody he works with miserable. It's the reason he hasn't done as much as could have, because he's a notorious dickweed. However, for Kevin Fiege to try and present him as a towering asshole while championing notorious movie egos like Sam Jackson and Robert Downey JR is total bullshit.

First off this is all about dollars. Iron Man 1&2 made a bazillion dollars while The Incredible Hulk....well....it made less. Chris Hemmsworth (Thor) and the douche bag playing Captain America are little fish in a big pond so of course they're not gonna stir up the shit.

Norton is a great actor who would've brought his cunt powers to battle with Downey JR and Jackson, both of whom probably shit a biscuit at the idea of working with him. I'm also confused how Fiege could comment with such arrogance about the ability of the cast to work together as an ensemble since they haven't shot a frame.

It also seems weirdly douchey that Kevin Fiege would refer to the other cast members as Chris H and Chris E. It's like he's taking roll call or something. I'm also interested to see if they come crawling back to Norton when without a doubt if Captain America and Thor shit the bed.

The final part of this pissing contest it the weird rumor that Joaquin Phoenix might be the man to step into Ed Norton's shoes. Man if the Hulk has bad dreads and raps then I will be the FIRST on line to see the Avengers.

HOLLYWOOD UNDEFEATED 1: JAMES BOND

AIM RIGHT FOR THE STUDIO EXECUTIVES HEAD MR. BOND

Twenty two different enemies tried, countless evil women tried, random killers, even circumstances that seemed unavoidable tried and only one thing has ever killed James Bond.

FUCKING HOLLYWOOD

See the idiots over at MGM have flushed so much money down the toilet, bungled all their investments so badly and spent money with such wild abandon that they're basically out of business. Sure they're waiting for some huge Japanese Conglomerate company with deep pockets to bail them out but with the economy in the shitter that life raft ain't likely to float by any time soon.

Some of this is good news because it means no Rocky or Pink Panther sequel and we can finally, hopefully, lay rest to The Hobbit movie. Sorry folks but the Lord Of The Rings was a big bunch of bullshit. I don't need another epic tale of walking and complaining over some piece of bling.

However this has also led to the cancellation of the next James Bond movie and that sucks the entire ass. Mainly because Daniel Craig was the first awesome James Bond since Sean Connery turned in his license to kill. Craig's Bond was much more like the Bond in the books and I dug that. However if Bond ever returns it'll be years from now and Craig will be seen as too old.

Nice going dickweeds

I hate everything

JUST WALK AWAY AND I'LL SPARE YOUR LIVES

So now things have gotten worse for the ill-advised Road Warrior continuations or remakes or whatever the fuck they are. First of all nobody will ever make a movie as tremendous as Mad Max and Road Warrior, it just won't happen. Wish for it all you want, pray, sacrifice virgins, it just won't happen. While this next movie might be easier to swallow than the shards-of-glass-dipped-in-shit that was Thunderdome, it still ain't gonna be what you want it to be.

That being said now director George Miller has shit the bed even worse by deciding that these Mad Max movies will be two actual films "Fury Road" and the hysterically titled "Furiosa". I guess in the second one Max becomes the toughest Flamenco Dancer in the world and uses his moves to defeat Humongous at the big Gas-For-Moves dance competition.

With this new two-movie idea the start date has been moved to February 2011 basically fucking out of work all the folks in front and behind the cameras that were scheduled to begin working this September. Miller also claims that he's shooting this in 3D because he "always wanted to" which anybody with a brain knows is a bunch of horseshit.