JONAH HEX Trailer....is anybody in Hollywood even fucking home?

So after months of speculation, bizarre rumors and then basic silence, the trailer for Jonah Hex has been released. So what does it do to alleviate the fears that this movie will suck huge amounts of anus? NOTHING!! Watch for yourself:

First of all this isn't Jonah Hex, let's be clear about that from the fucking get go. This is some paint-by-numbers cowboy revenge flick that they've slapped a scarred man into and claimed it was Jonah Hex. Nothing here has anything to do with Jonah Hex at all, at ALL!! First off Jonah did have a wife and son but years after he gets his scar. The wife also takes Jonah's kid and leaves, she's never killed off. Jonah isn't the on liner king and he doesn't have a "weapons specialist" who gives him updated artillery. This smacks more of a Western Punisher than Jonah Hex. Oh yeah and Jonah Hex doesn't have superpowers.

The worst part of all of this is that Jonah Hex's story would've made a kick ass movie. In the story Hex's father, an abusive drunk, sells Hex into slavery as a boy for safe passage through Apache territory. Hex saves the chief's life and becomes an honorary member. Then Jonah's ambushed and left for dead, loses a fiancee, gets accused of being a turncoat to the confederacy, shoots Stonewall Jackson and after all of that he returns to face the indian who ambushed him in a duel to the death.

The indian sabotages Jonah's tomahawk forcing Jonah to use a knife which the other tribes see as breaking the rules of a battle so Hex is given the "mark of the demon" which is how he gets the scar. From there he becomes a hard drinking, bounty hunter with a fucked up honor code. See, doesn't that make for a way more interesting story? Why fuck it up? Why add Megan Fox? Why do any of this? Fuck you Hollywood.

I hate everything

Hi-Res Look At JONAH HEX, Which Doesn't Help At All.

So that right there is the hi-res look at Josh Brolin as Jonah Hex and it does nothing to quell the notion of the movie sucking. It's not just my consistent dislike of superhero movies that makes me say this, I have actual reasons to. First of all pretty much any comic book movie that the Hollywood slime think will turn a buck gets the A treatment. Studio meatheads have no idea what any of this is all about so they push everything, everything they think people will buy into. Yet even with Josh Brolin who everybody is loving now and super starlet slut du jour Megan fox AND John Malkovich, nothing has really been said about this movie at all. No ungodly amount of tv spots or trailers, no six month press push, nothing. The movie comes out June 30th and nobody seems to care.

Add that to the constant reshoots being done and the fact that it actually does star Megan Fox and you can see the troubles brewing. I'll admit that I'd cut the brake line of a school bus filled with crippled children for a dirty weekend in a soiled hotel with Megan but watching her act, count me right the fuck out. The last thing is that picture, look at it, how fucking fake does that look. The whole point of Jonah Hex is that scarring but it looks more like Brolin rubbed a personal pan pizza on his cheek. Ironically the trailer for Jonah Hex will be attached to the Nightmare On Elm Street remake. I say ironic because the make up used on the new Freddy Krueger face is that same weak shit, making Freddy look more like Pizza The Hutt than a burned alive serial killer. If you're interested here's the plot synopsis:

Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) is a scarred drifter and bounty hunter of last resort, a tough and stoic gunslinger who can track down anyone... and anything. Having survived death, Jonah's violent history is steeped in myth and legend, and has left him with one foot in the natural world and one on the "other side." His only human connection is with Leila (Megan Fox), whose life in a brothel has left her with scars of her own. But Jonah's past is about to catch up with him when the U.S. military makes him an offer he can't refuse: in exchange for his freedom from the warrants on his head, he must track down and stop the dangerous terrorist Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich). But Turnbull, who is gathering an army and preparing to unleash Hell, is also Jonah's oldest enemy and will stop at nothing until Jonah is dead. Based on the legendary graphic novel, "Jonah Hex" is an epic adventure thriller about one man's personal quest for redemption against the vast canvas of the battle between good and evil.