FOR THOSE WHO WONDERED HOW THE KARATE KID REMAKE HAPPENED

If you're like me then you hate the idea of the Karate Kid remake. Forget that it's a movie featuring a kid learning Kung Fu, set in China and yet still called Karate Kid which is a Japanese martial art. Forget that it's Will Smith's kid and instead of the basic moves that carried the character through in the original he's flipping all around. Forget that the property doesn't need to be redone and it belongs in the nostalgia files of the eighties. The fact is it doesn't seem like a viable leap for a movie company to take.

Well now I know why they did. A friend of mine sent me this article and man if it didn't clear lots of things up. Check it out at LA TIMES.

MONSTER SQUAD Remake To Get Facelift?

I fucking hate remakes, almost across the board. The basic reason for this is that I don't see the need and you'll never make it as good as the original. When I say that it's not like I think Friday The 13th or A Nightmare On Elm Street were slices of cinematic genius even in their day but they resonated because they were made in and for that time. Today everything has to be a big budget, slick, sequel promising, shitfest or nobody cares about even trying. Those movies and most films gunned up for remakes don't hold well when brought into today's movie making world. Look at Clash Of The Titans, bringing that movie into the world of huge mega effects did nothing but piss people off.

One of the movies being considered for a remake that I dismissed since the mention was Monster Squad. First of all it was made during an era when movie kids were allowed to act like kids. They cursed and smoked but there was something innocent and charming about them. Movie kids these days are little grown ups who do more to annoy than endear. I also figured this was a bad idea because the Universal Monsters e.g. Dracula, Mummy, Wolfman just aren't scary anymore. Some kid raised on Freddy or Michael Myers and even Hostel could give two shits about Dracula. Any of those monsters would be laughed at.

Realizing this the producers of Monster Squad the remake have come up with an idea that might allow the film to be a reinvention as a opposed to a remake. The thought is to update the monsters to be a Michael Myers slasher, an alien type creature, a grudge type spirit, etc. If they did that and made the film actually scary that could be something very cool. Of course then it would be its own movie and not a remake of Monster Squad, which to me is a better idea anyway.

STUPID HOLLYWOOD MOVE #1

Man sometimes people should just let something die. A few years back there was awful, awful rumors swirling about that a remake of Escape From New York was being planned. First the guy that slapped together Die Hard 4 was in charge and the always mediocre Brett Ratner was given the job.

I guess Brett was too busy snorting coke of a strippers ass or begging for his next crap film to be made because he lost interest in Escape and the film thankfully vanished. Then came reports it was back on again with Gerard Butler as the main character Snake Plissken but since that guy can' t open a movie to save his life, that idea went away and it seemed like the project was dead for good.

Nope, not at all. Now Breck Eisner, the guy behind The Crazies, is on tap to direct the remake. I have no problem with the guy, I dug The Crazies but does he have the moxie to remake a classic sci-fi movie. I'm also not amped because, well first off it doesn't need a remake, but secondly the whole thing about it was how raw Escape was, how low budget and creepy. I know this version will be a super hi-tech, video game effects orgasm and that just kills what made the original so awesome.

I also heard the script has a back story for Plissken, which effectively kills 90% of his enigma appeal, and that Manhattan is still standing though just "Geographically Undesirable". Um, the whole point was that Manhattan was burned out and fucked up. So let me get this straight all the worst criminals are put into the Manhattan prison but they work together to keep it clean?

What?

The other giant factor here is that nobody and I mean NOBODY will make the character of Snake Plissken their own the way Kurt Russell has. This is all in all a bad idea that I hope dies away.

STUPID HOLLYWOOD MOVE #4

MY NAME IS RUSSELL, I'M A CUNT, PLEASE KILL ME

I always hate Hollywood, always and without fail but sometimes they do something so stupid, so cunting, so filled with horror that I actually contemplate burning it down to the fucking ground. Their latest shit storm is an Arthur remake starring Russell Brand and Helen Mirren, a concept so abhorrent, so vile and disgusting that I hope everybody involved gets struck with Ebola which in turn effects their family thus wiping out the entire line.

The original Arthur was a perfect comedy and it was also one that belonged in the 80s, that was the time where it made the most sense. Dudley Moore owned the role of Arthur, he was that character, nothing else could even come close. He made Arthur charming and tragic, a normal if not goofy looking man looking for love in a cold world. Sir John Gielgud nailed the part of Hobson Arthur's butler and fill-in father so well it became one of those iconic movie performances.

To give something so perfect over to the likes of Russell Brand is disgusting. Brand is a worthless waste of semen, an unfunny hack who has wormed his way into Hollywood by convincing these fucking idiots that he's "edgy". Let me clue you in on something, Brand isn't edgy he's pathetic. His humor is the British version of that annoying frat guy who was convinced he was hysterical and always ran around "being funny" so his fellow date raping friends would laugh. Brand is a one trick pony whose trick is riddled with down syndrome. He can't act, he's not funny, in fact he's an insult to anybody who believes in the sanctity of human life. A walking abortion who might get me to see his film if it was a snuff film of him getting beaten and then killed.

As for Mirren, I respect her as an actress so I wonder what the fuck is she thinking. Changing the Hobson character into a woman isn't going to distance the remake from the original, in fact it'll just come off as a cheap marketing trick. Mirren is above that and I hope she comes to her senses soon. From the bottom of my heart I say FUCK THIS MOVIE.

I hate everything

PRO AND CON REMAKE NEWS....HOW BIZARRE

So there a couple or remakes in the works and oddly enough I'm not raging against both of them. Usually when I hear about a remake I start making with the mail bombs to send off to various Hollywood studios but not this time. Well, actually, I'll still be building half as many bombs but at least it's a start.

The first remake is The Crow and while the spineless corrupt and black hearted people on the "inside" claim it's not a remake (e.g. it's not Eric Draven) but a reboot I'm still going to have to put the big middle finger in this remakes face. First of all the original Crow was so good, so wonderfully done that the subsequent mouth raping sequels are not only bad but almost pure evil. Now when you mention The Crow few sit up and remember how good Brandon Lee was or how well the movie was executed, instead the snicker over the stink of the shitpile the sequels left. Now just to make sure a new era of kids can't discover the glory of the first Crow they're gonna reboot it (a term I fucking HATE) and shove the Brandon Lee movie down a garbage disposal forever. I hope this time the fake gun goes off and kills the people who thought of this idea instead of a good kid on the cusp of being a big star.




The second remake is for The Howling and I have to say I'm not unhappy about this one. I'm sure the old school faithful will want to spill my blood for this but let's be really really real and face the truth. The original Howling wasn't really all that good. Sure it was moody and weird but as far as being a quality film The Howling broke its leg almost right out of the gate on that one. Bad effects, a shoddy script and powerful bad acting led this to be little more than a B movie with a following. If Hollywood is hellbent on remaking a movie let them remake this one and maybe at least kick the werewolf transformations up a notch. Hopefully it won't be as bad as the New Moon transformations but who knows.

NOIR REMAKE OF ENTER THE DRAGON MAKES ME SHIT GLASS

Not that this bullshit should surprise me on any level but the Remake Zombie Squad has now decided to feast on Enter The Dragon by making a "noir style remake" about a lone FBI agent who pursues a Shaolin Monk into the "underground world of Kung Fu fight clubs".

Awesome so basically this isn't Enter The Dragon at all but they'll call it that to get people to see it. The film will star the dude from Ninja Assassin and is said to be more Raging Bull than Crouching Tiger in its viciousness. I never thought Kung Fu was vicious but then again it's been years since I was in an underground fight club so what do I know.

The part about this that sucks is that Enter The Dragon was the best Bruce Lee movie out there, a real testament to what he could've done if he had lived longer. None of that seems to matter to the Remake Zombie Squad who will feast on his corpse to turn a quick buck. Oh yeah and noir is supposed to be heavily stylized in the world of Dashielle Hammet and that kind of thing. A brutal fight club movie in a noir style, wow they've fucked it all up.

I hate everything

TRON 2 FOOTAGE - WATCH IT WHILE YOU CAN

No idea how long this will be up before being removed but for now here is some pretty rad Tron footage. It's crap quality but it's still pretty awesome to see.




If it does go down at least here are some pictures. They seem pretty rad to.

OK...MAYBE I'M WRONG (V REMAKE)

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE EATEN ALIVE BY HER? (MORENA BACCARIN IS THE HEAD ALIEN IN V)


I think all eight of you who read this site know I am not a remake fan. I have yet to see one that surpassed the original or was more than marginally entertaining (and yes I include the Dawn Of The Dead remake I was in). I've been rallying against the V remake because I grew up with V, I loved it and I would hate to see it fucked up. However, viewing this trailer, I may be wrong. This looks like a really well done remake that sticks to the original concept just with a higher budget. True they won't have those snazzy outfits the original aliens had but what can you do. Here's the trailer:



The only problem I see is that the chick who plays the head alien is so goddamn eye searingly thousand-suns hot that I'd be hard pressed to care what she does.

POINTLESS FOOTLOOSE REMAKE IS GONNA SUCK

IN THE NEW VERSION NO CIGARETTE, BAGGY JEANS, ADIDAS AND THE SWEATSHIRT WILL SAY ROCA-WEAR.

FOOTLOOSE REMAKE HAS NO STAR, NO SCRIPT AND NO POINT...BUT IT DOES HAVE A RELEASE DATE
There's a release date of June 18th, 2010 for the re-make of Footlose. This is going to be one of those awful remakes where the Preacher is played by Owen Wilson and the Kenny Loggins sung Footloose theme is handed over to Snoop Dog. Let's not forget Beyonce covering Holding Out For A Hero featuring a break down by Jay-Z. Think it can't happen? Just you wait.

Let's not forget Zac Efron turned this down, which is saying a lot plus who the fuck wants a remake of this half assed movie anyway?





ZOMBIE RAISING HIS FIST IN VICTORY OVER GOOD FILM MAKING.

AND FINALLY ROB ZOMBIE TRIES TO EXPLAIN HIMSELF.
I'm not a big fan of Zombie's Halloween remake and it's not because I don't think you should mess with the original (OK, I do but that's not why I hated it) it's because the movie SUCKED. It took out everything that was scary about Halloween and made Michael Myers yet another super-violent stabmasterkillthemall type guy. In this interview over at /film.com Zombie tries to explain his reasoning behind this and the new Halloween sequel coming out in August. I still don't like Zombie's films but this interview is pretty interesting if you can get around the interviewers supreme ass-kissing. Seriously he takes it to new heights here.

ROB ZOMBIE INTERVIEW

I hate everything

APPARENTLY TO MAKE MICHAEL MYERS SCARY ROB ZOMBIE MADE HIM A BUM

Rob Zombie is a hack with a shitload of smoke and mirrors that have somehow fooled people into thinking he's a great filmmaker. He has no ear for dialog, his shot choices are boring and his plots are almost as insipid as his casting choices. In this new remake of a sequel already made Zombie continues his desire to "Make Michael Myers scary again" by dressing him up like a homeless man. I guess Zombie has a real fear of bums. here's photo


BOY AM I GLAD ZOMBIE IS GETTING RID OF THAT WHOLE PESKY "MASK" THING THAT MICHAEL MYERS HAD GOING ON.

I hate everything

CHECK OUT THE HALLOWEEN 2 RE-MAKE SCREEN SHOT AND POSTER

So below is a look at Michael Myers from Rob Zombie's re-make sequel to his re-make of Halloween called H2 (because the great big words Halloween 2 are too much for the Disco Metal King to utter). Besides the fact that this is a re-make of a sequel to a re-make of a movie, or the fact that Rob Zombie's Halloween re-make blew ass chunks all over the theater, the quote "In the sequel you'll see many faces of Michael Myers, including unmasked" from Zombie himself bugs me.

It also bugs me that enough morons went and saw the first remake to warrant a second one. I'm also trying to ignore Zombie's rant when he finished the first Halloween re-make about how stupid it would be to do a re-make of a sequel to a re-make of an original. I'm trying to see how often I can use the word re-make before it loses all meaning.

Apparently H2 (remember, Halloween 2 is too long) picks up right after the end of Halloween 1 (the re-make). I'm kind of bummed on that, I was hoping between the movies the kids that lived would take some acting classes and Zombie would take a course on writing, directing and pacing a movie. Oh well, I guess it's another batch of shit stir fry from a man who decided he could make movies because he directed Dance Metal videos.

I hate everything including these photos