FUCK THE GREEN LANTERN MOVIE

This should clear up the idea anybody had that this movie wouldn't suck huge, entire, stinking ass. This trailer pisses me the fuck off because ti effectively kills the idea that we'll ever have a decent Green Lantern movie.

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HOLY BATSHIT--DC Does Something Else Stupid

Yeah you're not going blind, nor has anybody put acid in your toothpaste, this has been making the rounds as the cover for Brightest Day #13, which would make perfect sense. Why would it make perfect sense, well let me tell you. The first part is that DC has fucked up not only the death of Bruce Wayne but also his Return. Mostly they've done this by handing it to hack "writer" and Alan Moore wanna-be Grant Morrison.

On top of all that Brightest Day so far has been so fucking ho-hum that I use it as opposed to jerking off in order to feel relaxed before a nice hot shower. So since DC has basically not just screwed the pooch but got her pregnant, beat her and made her pay for the abortion, why not fuck it with returning Bruce Wayne as the White Lantern. The Dark Knight as the White Lantern, holy raping get down fuckabout DC are some deep bitches.

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YOGI BEAR Trailer is....Um.....ah fuck it

The only reason I'm showing this fuckwad bullshit abortion of a trailer is so that anybody who even remotely thought Bill Murray should trust Dan Akroyd on the Ghostbusters 3 movie can see now why he shouldn't. I never thought they could translate getting your nuts caught in a bear trap to video but this proves they can do it. Watch only if you have a sickness bag near you.

Look how proud Akroyd is of this piece of shit movie. Unless two interns are below the camera blowing him during the intro this jackoff is actually HAPPY!! Attention Dan Akroyd, you have now been forever removed from the artistic process. Go home, bang your wife, beat your kids, watch Blues Brothers, Neighbors and Ghostbusters and remember you used to have talent. Just don't make anymore fucking movies you cunt.

I HATE EVERYTHING

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #1: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE...FOR PHOTO OP

The biggest thing at Comic Con this year because the bullshit thing has NOTHING to do with comics it's the perfect time to talk about it was The Avengers movie. As you can see this was the first time all the folks in the film were in the same room and woo hoo what a fucking blast that must've been. So I could write about a bunch of shit but there's video so watch this instead.





Well if you made it through all that false fanfare and ass kissing you got to see Robert Downey cuntbag take another swipe at Chris Nolan (he did it before when Iron Man opened against the Dark Knight). You also got to see just how disingenuous these people are and how little any of this has to do with comic books.

WOO HOO FUCKING HOLLYWOOD

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BURN Baby BURN Disco GREEN LANTERN

Or it could be:

Ohhh Green Lantern Howdya Like It Howdya It

OR

Saturday Night Lanterns

But whatever you call it the idea of pure suck will be there to. This is the first shot of Ryan Reynolds as the Green Lantern and it has taken away any uncertainty that this movie will suck huge amounts of swampy ass. First Ryan Reynolds is the complete wrong guy to play Hal Jordan and now his costume is so gay that gay men won't go see this movie lest they be thought too gay.

Seriously, a disco light on a black light suit or whatever the fuck this is, that's the best they could do? It staggers the mind to think that anybody would think this is a good idea much less invest money in it. Well here's another DC hero we can say goodbye to as he's given the Hollywood shit bath.

Oh and if you wanted a good place to punch Ryan Reynolds:



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TWO REASONS TO HATE SAN DIEGO COMIC CON

Obviously the main reason I hate San Diego Comic Con is because I've never fucking been and I always wanted to go. MTV was gonna send me but they dicked out, then I didn't have any money and...well...that continues to be the reason. One day I'll go, I'll show all those fuckers.

Anyhoo, the two other reasons to hate Comic Con this year are these two kick ass exclusives.



This is your standard 16 inch Galactus which will talk and comes with a Silver Surfer figure. You can get it retail in October or November or you can get it NOW at the Con. It's $60 bucks and worth every goddamn penny.




The second reason is this kick ass Tron Kubrick Bear. This one sucks especially because only 1500 were made and they won't be coming out retail. THE FUCKERS

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and i'm sad now to

HOLLYWOOD UNDEFEATED 1: JAMES BOND

AIM RIGHT FOR THE STUDIO EXECUTIVES HEAD MR. BOND

Twenty two different enemies tried, countless evil women tried, random killers, even circumstances that seemed unavoidable tried and only one thing has ever killed James Bond.

FUCKING HOLLYWOOD

See the idiots over at MGM have flushed so much money down the toilet, bungled all their investments so badly and spent money with such wild abandon that they're basically out of business. Sure they're waiting for some huge Japanese Conglomerate company with deep pockets to bail them out but with the economy in the shitter that life raft ain't likely to float by any time soon.

Some of this is good news because it means no Rocky or Pink Panther sequel and we can finally, hopefully, lay rest to The Hobbit movie. Sorry folks but the Lord Of The Rings was a big bunch of bullshit. I don't need another epic tale of walking and complaining over some piece of bling.

However this has also led to the cancellation of the next James Bond movie and that sucks the entire ass. Mainly because Daniel Craig was the first awesome James Bond since Sean Connery turned in his license to kill. Craig's Bond was much more like the Bond in the books and I dug that. However if Bond ever returns it'll be years from now and Craig will be seen as too old.

Nice going dickweeds

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Trailer For New SOFIA COPPOLA Movie. The One Trick Pony Strikes Again

I know this is going to anger the indie hipster crowd but Sofia Coppola is really starting to annoy me. This is the new trailer for her movie Somewhere and it's the exact same feel, look and even story as Lost In Translation. This time the suffering movie star isn't old and fading like Bill Murray but young and bad-boy Stephen Dourff.

The innocent and sweet girl isn't forgotten wife Scarlett Johanson but forgotton daughter Elle Fanning. Instead of a quiet "lo-fi" story of two people who can't figure each other out in a girl/boy way it's two people who can't figure each other out in a father/daughter way. Seriously what is her fascination with celebrity and trying desperately to humanize them or make us feel bad because they have shitty lives along with lots of money and fame?

Coppola did some interesting things with The Virgin Suicides but that movie was panned so she just stole a bunch of tricks from ex-husband Spike Jonze and mixed them with the "indie" vibe of overly kooky and incredibly pretentious filmmaking. This movie plays like a handbook for indie movies.

Step 1: Find an actor who needs a comeback and put him in film

Step 2: Write an incredibly average story but fill it with lots of angsty shots and people making cool statements at each other but not really talking

Step 3: Make the title ambiguous enough that somehow it seems deep when placed over the movie

Step 4: Edit and market it to feel like a movie you need to be initiated into enjoying so that even though it's not anything new you feel the need to defend it at the bar with your other black framed glasses buddies with New Kids On The Block retro shirts between sips of dollar PBR

Here watch this thing and tell me I'm wrong (wait until after the commercial for Predators)



This entire movie is them going someplace, looking forlorn, traveling someplace, looking forlorn, traveling someplace, looking forlorn. You can almost feel the "God gimmie an oscar" false earnestness dripping off of Dorff. The two stop traveling long enough to have a forced kooky good natured scene like the vomitous underwater tea party.

This is her first film in four years and all it is is a re-tread of Lost In Translation. The worst of all of it will be the hipster dribble about how brilliant it is.

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AS THE CROW FLIES...AGAIN

Remember way back, way way way back, think hard, squint your eyes and focus your brain waves. Okay now try to picture in your mind a time when The Crow movies didn't suck. There was only one of them in the entire three or four picture series that didn't absolutely suck ass, does that help? It was the first one, the one with Brandon Lee, the one that cost him his life. That Crow was moody, dark, almost a superhero noir film and it was pulled off years before the big superhero rush to film. From there the entire series became a lesson in just how badly Hollywood could fuck up a movie. It's no wonder Crow writer J.O.'Barr has vanished since all of that, I'd have stopped writing to if they raped my creation.

Jump ahead fifteen years or more and the Reboot Whores are sniffing around the bleeding period of a long forgotten franchise hoping to cash in. Essentially a bunch of people have gotten together to try and relaunch The Crow, pretty much assuring that what ever was left of the legacy of the original is done for. According to the producer a script is finished and an offer has gone out to a "major star". It'll probably be somebody like Taylor Lautner or some other hack that'll get teen girls with wet panties into the theaters along with their boyfriends who are hoping she'll horny enough to hand out blow jobs later on. I particularly loved this quote from the producer about the actual crow that gives the character his powers:

"a creature... it's not just a bird. It's got a personality and a character. Not like Godzilla exactly, but it's very different [and has] a more active role in the story."

Okay what the fuck does that mean? The crow will talk? Dance? Have wacky one liners? Maybe it means it'll spout pseudo wisdom like some kind of Yoda with feathers. Whatever happens you can bet it's gonna suck huge amounts of ass.

I hate everything

Another Update That Makes The Spider-Man Reboot Suck

TOBEY ON HIS LAST DAY

So yeah we all know that Spider-Man is getting rebooted because, well, I have no real fucking idea and to be honest the reboot thing doesn't really bother me. I never thought Sam Raimi and his little crew nailed the Spider-Man movies and clearly by the third one they just didn't care anymore.

My problem is that this reboot is sending Peter back to high school in what's been outlined as Gossip Girl or 90210 with a superhero not to mention that of course this crapfest is going to be shot in 3D. Why? Well mainly because the Vomiting Demon Abortions who run Hollywood love a trend that might grease their scaly hides with more cash. The day of the great superhero movie is a thing of the past, these movies are now being made by committee so bend over and get ready for the spiked cock piece of mass marketing.

Anyhoo, the list of who will play Peter Parker/Spider-Man in this wretched undertaking has been sliced down to five and I gotta tell you, it just adds fuel to the fire in my belly to bring molotov cocktails to the houses of every studio head in Hollywood. Here are the five choices we have:


JOSH HUTCHERSON

Yeah this kid would work if suddenly Spider-Man was set in a suburban grammar school and turned into a musical about how Jesus will help the web slinger save lives. Is it me or does he look like he spends his free time in a white shirt buttoned all the way to the top running around one of those Rock N Roll Churches singing about the Lord and the evil of Harry Potter?



JAMIE BELL

I had no idea that the new direction was to take Peter Parker away from being a nerdy science geek and make him some street tough crystal meth dealer with a heroine problem who is not stranger to the sweet, sweet mouth of an older man with a hankering for little boys. Great fuck idea here you idiots.



ANDREW GARFIELD

This would be an awesome choice if Peter Parker was a European underwear model bit by a radioactive spider while sashaying down the runways during a Betsey Johnson fashion show. How am I supposed to believe this kid is a nerd with no ability to get girls when he's so fucking pretty I'd do him?



ALDEN EHRENREICH

This kid looks like Russel Crowe and Leo DiCaprio had a kid, one with a serious drinking problem. If the new Spider-Man is a drunk irish brawling teenager from Southie then this dude might be the ONE!!



FRANK DILLANE

Not that this kid is a great choice since I don't know anything about him but so far he's the only one that might pull it off. True he looks like a slightly less good looking version of the dude that put the ABS back in Werewolf for the Twilight series but beggars can't be choosers.

To be honest if I had to cast somebody I might think about Elijah Wood. He can act and he looks young plus he's been out of the big time studio eye for a while so he could use another big movie franchise.

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The Superhero Thing Has Gotten Way Out Of Fucking Control

I was willing give The Cape a try, I even thought it looked kind of cool but this, this ABC horeshit show "No Ordinary People" is another clear example of how the wrong people are now in charge of creating sci-fi and Superhero shows and films. It's not bad enough that Michael "The Shitty Thing" Chiklis is in this incredibly obvious crap show but it's basically a rip off of the Incredibles and The Fantastic Four. Here watch the shitty trailer:



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JONAH HEX Trailer....is anybody in Hollywood even fucking home?

So after months of speculation, bizarre rumors and then basic silence, the trailer for Jonah Hex has been released. So what does it do to alleviate the fears that this movie will suck huge amounts of anus? NOTHING!! Watch for yourself:

First of all this isn't Jonah Hex, let's be clear about that from the fucking get go. This is some paint-by-numbers cowboy revenge flick that they've slapped a scarred man into and claimed it was Jonah Hex. Nothing here has anything to do with Jonah Hex at all, at ALL!! First off Jonah did have a wife and son but years after he gets his scar. The wife also takes Jonah's kid and leaves, she's never killed off. Jonah isn't the on liner king and he doesn't have a "weapons specialist" who gives him updated artillery. This smacks more of a Western Punisher than Jonah Hex. Oh yeah and Jonah Hex doesn't have superpowers.

The worst part of all of this is that Jonah Hex's story would've made a kick ass movie. In the story Hex's father, an abusive drunk, sells Hex into slavery as a boy for safe passage through Apache territory. Hex saves the chief's life and becomes an honorary member. Then Jonah's ambushed and left for dead, loses a fiancee, gets accused of being a turncoat to the confederacy, shoots Stonewall Jackson and after all of that he returns to face the indian who ambushed him in a duel to the death.

The indian sabotages Jonah's tomahawk forcing Jonah to use a knife which the other tribes see as breaking the rules of a battle so Hex is given the "mark of the demon" which is how he gets the scar. From there he becomes a hard drinking, bounty hunter with a fucked up honor code. See, doesn't that make for a way more interesting story? Why fuck it up? Why add Megan Fox? Why do any of this? Fuck you Hollywood.

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STUPID HOLLYWOOD MOVE #4

MY NAME IS RUSSELL, I'M A CUNT, PLEASE KILL ME

I always hate Hollywood, always and without fail but sometimes they do something so stupid, so cunting, so filled with horror that I actually contemplate burning it down to the fucking ground. Their latest shit storm is an Arthur remake starring Russell Brand and Helen Mirren, a concept so abhorrent, so vile and disgusting that I hope everybody involved gets struck with Ebola which in turn effects their family thus wiping out the entire line.

The original Arthur was a perfect comedy and it was also one that belonged in the 80s, that was the time where it made the most sense. Dudley Moore owned the role of Arthur, he was that character, nothing else could even come close. He made Arthur charming and tragic, a normal if not goofy looking man looking for love in a cold world. Sir John Gielgud nailed the part of Hobson Arthur's butler and fill-in father so well it became one of those iconic movie performances.

To give something so perfect over to the likes of Russell Brand is disgusting. Brand is a worthless waste of semen, an unfunny hack who has wormed his way into Hollywood by convincing these fucking idiots that he's "edgy". Let me clue you in on something, Brand isn't edgy he's pathetic. His humor is the British version of that annoying frat guy who was convinced he was hysterical and always ran around "being funny" so his fellow date raping friends would laugh. Brand is a one trick pony whose trick is riddled with down syndrome. He can't act, he's not funny, in fact he's an insult to anybody who believes in the sanctity of human life. A walking abortion who might get me to see his film if it was a snuff film of him getting beaten and then killed.

As for Mirren, I respect her as an actress so I wonder what the fuck is she thinking. Changing the Hobson character into a woman isn't going to distance the remake from the original, in fact it'll just come off as a cheap marketing trick. Mirren is above that and I hope she comes to her senses soon. From the bottom of my heart I say FUCK THIS MOVIE.

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You Know What's Awesome About George Lucas....NOTHING!!!

I was busy sharpening a scalpel for the upcoming job of slicing the skin from my arm until my Star Wars tattoos are gone when I came across a little tidbit that made me want to just rip the flesh right off the bone. Remember a few weeks back when it came out that George "Fuck The Fans" Lucas had decided to make a kooky sitcom that no-talent hack Seth Green would be working on? Well apparently the fist fuckings don't stop there because this isn't some stupid animated show that is douche chilling because of what it is..oh no...Lucas has taken cunt down a whole new door by deciding it will take place right after Return Of The Jedi and include the original characters.

Besides the fact that this is another shitty shitty idea from a man who seems to corner the market with them, the whole fucking premise makes no sense. Anybody who can read and enjoys a good sci-fi romp already knows what happens to the characters post Jedi thanks to the fairly awesome series of books. Luke starts training Jedis, Han and Leia have twins who become Jedis, Chewbacca dies, there's more Empire drama with Grand Admiral Thrawn replacing Vader as the big bad, plus Wedge rocks a comeback in the series about saving Courescant, etc etc. These books have been coming out for 15 or 20 years and have established the entire story of what happens post Jedi, so why do a TV show that'll fuck with it?

Oh wait, I know why, of course, because it's George Lucas, that's why.

He's already totally fucked the original trilogy with the new ones and ruined any hope Darth Vader had of being a lasting villain (NOOOOOOO ring any bells?) so it makes sense he'd fuck the whole new lineage just to turn a buck. No idea who might voice these characters but I'm betting the original folks will return. Whatever bestiality photos Lucas has of Harrison Ford that keep him returning to make Indiana Jones movies will certainly force him to do a voice. Mark Hamil will work for food, Carrie Fisher can be talked into anything with a meat sandwich and a bottle of Schnapps and since Anthony Daniels is probably tired of turning tricks under a bridge for rent money he'll be on board to.

In other Lucas news the whole Star Wars saga will soon be out on Bluray which means we can watch them suck in super awesome clarity.

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Superhero Movies New.....Ah Who Fucking Cares Anymore?

Well it was bound to happen, seriously, are we at all surprised at any of this? When Superhero movies first started rising in popularity e.g. X-Men, Spider-Man, Batman Begins they weren't big enough hits to make the studios do more than cast a passing glance at a genre they figured could do okay in the theaters and possibly make the real money in DVD sales. Then along came Dark Knight and Iron Man, two movies that crushed the box office. Suddenly the studios were all involved, even buying up superhero t-shirts so they could sit in San Diego Comic Con and pretend "Hey dudes, we've always loved comics".

Whenever the studios get involved movies go from inspirational stories created by folks with artistic vision to game plans, marketing strategies, market research, focus groups, budget vs return analysis and so on. Essentially it becomes movies-by-committee and usually those committees don't have a single artistic vision amongst them. These people take cultural trends, "it" celebrities and combine it with finding people who will play the game.

Thusly instead of comic book movies made by people who love them we get superhero movies made by people looking to turn a buck. Sure Jon Favreau will remain in control of Iron Man and Chris Nolan will hold onto the next Batman movie but that'll be it. Favreau has already been squeezed out of The Avengers movie and Nolan has announced that the next Batman movie will be his last, leaving the studio free to screw it up.

With the studios now in control we can see the effects it's having on the new crop of superhero movies. First of all the dead-in-the-water Captain America movie which has Joe Johnston directing it, Chris Evans as Cap, some Gossip Girl kid as Bucky and now this unknown english looker as Peggy. The movie is going to suck, it's clear it will. Then we have Green Lantern with Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan another Gossip Girl star as the love interest and some crappy villain choices.

Now comes the news that the Green Lantern suit will most likely be all CGI. Yep, why try to make the suit work when we can punch it up on the old computer. This once again shows that the studio is looking to make a special effects bonanza that will leave script and story by the wayside. I mean any studio that would hire Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan is looking for the beefcake factor, not who is best for the movie.

Along those same lines is the new re-boot of Spider-Man, a total movie studio call to try and make the movies more teen friendly. After all teens spend way more fucking money than anybody else so why not dumb everything down to serve them. First of all the get Marc Webb to direct and while I loved 500 Days Of Summer, it's clear he was hired to give the movie a hip vibe. He's never directed action so why else would you give him an action heavy film? Then there's this little bit of news.

The person you see above is Logan Lerman, a current "it" boy amongst young ladies suffering their first pangs of sexual desire, who has been in a short lived series (Jack & Bobby) and a terrible movie (Percy Jackson And The Lightening Thief). This kid's name is being slung around as either 100% yes or 100% no for being Peter Parker because girls think he's cute and probably because the studio slime couldn't figure out how to get Justin Bieber to star. The reason for this teeny bopper Spidey is that the entire movie will be focused on kooky high school Peter Parker who has to fight crime but also deal with bullies, chicks and homework. Awesome, it'll be She's All That with a webslinger.

While people go back and forth about whether this Lerman kid is Spider-Man or if it's somebody else they all seem to be missing the point. It's over, the superhero being realized on film is done, kaput, all finished. What we're going to get now is a slew of badly done high budget, opening weekend jerk off sessions that try to...well this is how the studios would phrase it:

"optimize return on the studios investment by focusing on what our research and marketing people tell us is at the forefront of pop culture right now. Using the data given through various means of gathering intel we should be able to maximize prophets vis-a-vis food tie ins, toys, video games, clothing and accessories will minimizing costs through reduction of unnecessary elements such as script, director or skilled acting talent."

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The CAPTAIN AMERICA Movie Will Suck Trifecta

Here was a quick turd to fish out my email this morning and since I seem to be the only one smart enough to see the signs of how bad the Captain America movie is going to suck I figure why not keep pressing on. Now that Chris Evans has been miscast as Captain America and Sebastian Stan is horribly miscast as Bucky, why not end the shit storm with a bad choice for Peggy Carter. Currently two actresses are up for the part but the one more in the lead is Alice Eve, the chick from She's Out Of My League. Apparently Kiera Knightly wised up and took her name off the list for this giant shitbomb of a movie.

Alice Eve is very pretty but can she act? Not so I've seen. Sure she can look sexy and pout and do "come hither" but that's about it. She's more like the hot cheerleader trying to get guys to do her homework by pretending she might fuck them one day. So basically now Captain America stars three beautiful girls.

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Further Proof The South Needs To Be Destroyed

This perfectly lovely girl, with her sweet smile and cherub face became a victim of something so fucking heinous that if I had a license to kill I'd be in her corner of the world lighting up everybody that was a part of it. For those who don't remember this is Constance McMillen a teenager from the obvious shithole of Itawamba County, Mississippi. Young Constance made the unforgivable mistake of deciding that in this world where love is such a rare commodity her place was alongside other girls. That was who she was attracted to, this was where she wanted to find herself a love to call her own. She was a lesbian and not at all afraid to admit it to the world.

Naturally being ignorant redneck asshole cunts the local in-bred shitheels of Itawamba County lost what little mind they had and persecuted her at every turn. First they refused to allow her to go to her prom because she planned on bringing a female date. Then these mountain monkeys cancelled the entire thing as the ultimate screw you to Constance. However the news of that bastard move spread and lawyers from the ACLU sued these fuckers right out of their double-wide trailers and Klan Robes, thus enabling Constance to go to her prom.

Well these living advertisements for keeping abortion legal didn't stop there, they had themselves a plan..yeeHAW!! These people, these fucking ADULTS, got together and planned a secret prom for every other kid to attend and told Constance and her date that the prom was being held at another location. When they arrived there were only seven kids there and that was it, the entire thing was a fake out which broke a teenage girl's heart and allowed the rest of the student body to party elsewhere. It's a pity Carrie wasn't at that prom to cook some racist children and their folks.

There was nothing that could be done legally because the festering open sores called their prom a private event and not an actual "prom". Even though the intent was clear these redneck scum figured out a way around the law and more importantly managed to fuck up a special night for a teenager.

Goddamn I fucking hate humanity, I hate us down to the sewage core of our beings. With all that's going on, with all the pain and suffering around the world these assholes decided to make it their mission to hurt a teenage girl because she liked women? That's all we are, that's the best we can do? All I can say to Constance is that she'll grow up, leave that town and move on to a better life while the rest of them are left to wallow in their own pathetic lives.

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Thanks to BOINGBOING for the story.

In Darkest Day, In Blackest Night......HULK HOGAN?

GUY GARDNER REACTS TOHULK HOGAN'S MESSAGE

It's funny because it looked like I woke up in my apartment. My bed was the same, the pictures, even my loud and insane cat looked exactly the same. But no, clearly I have woken up in some parallel universe where white is black, up is down and shit is fucked nuts. The hot FBI agent from Fringe must've snuck into my room with the crazy professor and tossed me through the window into that other reality. It's the only thing that makes this message I woke up to make any goddamn sense at all.



See, see what I mean? It's clear that where ever this message comes from, the place where it was thought to be a good idea, can't be anything even approaching what we refer to as reality. How could it? What idiot would think that Hulk Hogan and Green Lantern fans would be the same thing? Is this for the movie? Did they really think it would drum up excitement to have a has-been wrestler who is clearly reading cue cards and his no idea who any of these people are? Did you hear him stumble over "John Stewart"? Christ he probably thinks the guy from the Daily Show is a superhero. I'm going back to bed to drink heavily and smoke as much Crystal Meth as I can to forget this ever happened.

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Further Proof JOEL SCHUMACHER Needs To Be Killed

I'm sure we all agree that Schumacher's abysmal Batman movies are reason enough to beat him to death with a frozen salami but now the reasons go deeper. Apparently old Joel is a big fan of misogyny and hot men acting like cunts because now he has a whole fucking movie about them. This shitbomb, titled Twelve, features twink beauty queen Chace Crawford as a drug dealer, something we're supposed to believe because he has awesome facial hair.

It also stars a whole bevy of hot chicks acting like bitchy sluts and 50 Cent who walks around spouting drug dealer talk for no reason other than to have a bad guy I assume. There's also an appearance but uber douche bag ultra-cunt PC from that NYC Prep show. You want to have people AMPED on abortion, let them watch that show. Even the most fundamental christian right freak will be running the tips of unwound coat hangers over an open flame after 1 episode.

Moving on, Twelve is apparently some kind of super drug that everybody wants and then something else happens, oh and then another thing, and then like maybe...oh fuck it here's the trailer:



WAIT, I've got it!! Ohh very clever Mr. Schumacher, very clever indeed!! This is an Easter Egg movie, a film where you're supposed to find Twelve mind numbing cliches. I think I've found them:

12. Rich girl gets raped to show drugs are bad

11. Popular rap star whose star is declining plays drug dealer

10. Being rich and beautiful is often a curse

09. Super drug causes break down in otherwise good kids

08. Lots of quick cuts to parties when script runs out of ideas

07. There is an incredibly hot girl who sucks and we're supposed to feel bad when shit goes wrong

06. There's an incredibly hot good girl who we root for to change the incredibly hot central character

05. Lots of shadowy camera work to try and feel dark and "indie"

04. A strained relationship between hot central character drug dealer and Fiddy Cent turns violent

03. We're supposed to feel bad for the drug dealer main character because he's way hot and walks around all sad

02. The hot drug dealer main character gets sucked into dealing Twelve but realizes it's a bad thing (though the other drugs he's selling are not)

01. In a last ditch effort to save himself, his relationship with the hot good girl and get out of the life the hot dealer hatches a so-crazy-it-might-work-plan


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I Bring You The New Robert Zemeckis Film For A Different Reason

I'M SMILING BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH MONEY IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT SHIT I PUT OUT!!

So Robert Zemeckis, the guy behind Roger Rabbit, the guy who can't stop playing with his motion control animated doohickey is back to helm yet another kiddie flick, this time based on the as-yet-unreleased book Dark Life from author Kat Falls. I bring this to you not because I give a shit what Zemeckis is doing but because the plot of this new book is so stupid I don't want to be alone in my hatred of it. I want to share this pain with you, that's the only way the voices in my fucking head will stop screaming.

The book takes place in "near-future" where rising Ocean levels and natural catastrophes have forced people to live underwater and some young people to develop superpowers. A "ocean boy" and a "surface girl" band together to uncover a government conspiracy.

WHAT!? That could be the stupidest fucking plot I've ever heard. First of all it's the "near-future" so my first question is how near in the future could it be that children have evolved to have superpowers? If it's not evolution then explain to me how natural disasters and rising ocean levels suddenly give kids superpowers. Oh and how in the "near future" did people manage to scramble together and execute a plan to live under the fucking ocean. World crumbling? Volcanos erupting? Earthquakes shaking the shit to it's core? Well then create an instant society at the bottom of the sea, no problem, fucking capitol idea. The best part of all of this is that with all of this destruction and end of the world shit going on there is still one Government for us to fight.

Jesus FUCK who approved this as a book? Better yet why would anybody want to make this into a movie.

I have an idea about a near future world where all children have duck bills and shit napalm which blows huge holes in the world that unleash dragons made of roast beef. To battle these beef dragons the great floppy fish of the ninth Kingdom of Circle Jerks And Fire Farts searches the land for the five greatest breakdancers ever in order to serve the dragons so many tasty moves they explode and feed the world forever.

I hate everything