My Little Ponies At The Movies

I remember My Little Ponies. Well, I remember the phenomenon. I never watched the show or collected the toys and I hadn't thought about the whole thing for years. Then I saw these videos of movie trailers edited with bits and pieces from the cartoon. It's true this is all quite brilliant but what it's really done is made me think I want to watch My Little Ponies. This show looks so fucked up.


WATCHMEN



INGLORIOUS BASTARDS



300



THE DARK KNIGHT

I CAST YOU OUT (My Problems With Thor)

I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE MOVIE, BUT A MAN CAN DREAM

Recently, in the never ending quest to shill shit through a beloved character, 7-Eleven put together a big behind the scenes trailer for the new Thor movie. I've watched it a few times and come up with some frame-by-frame issues I have with the entire flick. I figure rather than just ramble on about it, I'd use this for some structure. Here's the trailer:





Now, here are my problems with it, scene-by-scene


Why does Asgard look like Vegas? There's more gaudy gold here than in any of Liberace's wet dreams.


Way to make Odin, the kind of the god, look like a feeble old man forced by his kids to play dress up. I kept waiting for him to ask for soft yogurt or pudding.


Apparently Odin doesn't so much strip Thor of his power as he demagnetizes him. I was also curious why he casts him out wearing clothes from The Gap.


First off, Kenneth Branagh looks old. Secondly, who the fuck cares what the producer has to say? This is the same dick who walks through Comicon on his cellphone with a new Thor t-shirt on that his assistant bought him. The type that relies on terms like "Richness of the characters" or "True to the source material" to mask the fact that he doesn't know shit about the character.


Did Natalie Portman just says Thor was from another planet? Actually looking at the scenes that follow during the producer's sloppy blowjob on the set designer, Asgard looks a lot like Naboo from Star Wars Episode I (aka rape my childhood). So did this "brilliant" designer just lift Naboo and decide to make it look like a Vegas theme park? Was it Natalie's idea?


Natalie Portman has never been to the desert?


Nothing like a guy from another country pontificating on the charm of a small country town. It's like when Americans go overseas and refer to everybody as foreigners.


Wow, you built a town. Clearly from this we can garner that you know a lot about the character and the history behind him. I mean you can't install fake computers into a fake town unless you've read a lot about Thor.


I want to introduce Jamie Alexander to my hammer...ohh yeeaaaahhhhhh


I do love that after a full minute of prattling on about the set and the explosions and the visuals, Kenneth tries to talk about focusing on the human dynamic and the passion, which is a Hollywood way of saying unnecessary love interest.


Why does Thor always look constipated?


Did we really need the Reservoir Dogs/Armageddon tough guy walk scene with the gods? Why is Loki looking at the jewel from Jewel Of The Nile?


Why is Heimdall black? I didn't realize Norse Gods had an overabundance of black folks in their ranks. Not to mention he's NOT black in the comics. Guess if it works for the Kingpin and Nick Fury, it'll work here.


I do like the ending WWE move from Thor.


So that's it. It seems like this movie is all about the effects and the visuals because nobody here knows anything about Thor. The guy they go to play him is all wrong, but that may only be because Thor shouldn't be brought to life.

Ok, This Kind Of Amps Me For The Avengers

As anybody knows I am not a fan of the upcoming Avengers movie. I think Chris Evans is a horrible choice for Captain America, I'm not 100% sold on the Thor movie and I've never thought Iron Man was any great shakes. That being said, this fan trailer pumps me up for what the Avengers movie could be but probably won't.

The LEGEND OF ZELDA CLUB

These guys are pretty incredible. Not only did they make a movie trailer using every John Hughes eighties movie ideal combined with Legend Of Zelda but they also shot it to look like it's a VHS tape recording. I'm not really a gamer, so I brought this to a friend of mine who lives for video games. He got twice as much out of it as I did and said they nailed everything they needed to. Dig it!!

GOD OF WAR!!!!---The Indie Film?

Here's another awesome video from the guys who did the Legend Of Zelda as a John Hughes movie. This is Gods Of War as if it was a Wes Anderson indie film. Again, these guys nail it and I'm not even a gamer.

A Captain America Movie I Might Actually See

DRAGON DICK?

HE IS GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT


Since I was a little kid I have loved me some dragons. I played D&D, saw Dragonslayer (in the theater) about 10 times and pretty much salivated over anything having to do with the flying beasts or lore. Since then finding a good dragon movie has been a tough road to hoe. The last one I can remember was Dragonheart and even that was just okay. Since then there's been the god awful D&D movie, the equally shitty Reign Of Fire starring Christian Bale and Matthew Mcoughnowhatshisname. Now comes Age Of Dragons, a dragon movie based on the book Moby Dick by Herman Mellville.

The film stars Danny Glover as a crazy bastard looking to kill the Great White Dragon that slaughtered his family. Between the many dragons, the hot chick, and Glover kicking the ham acting up a notch I will be forced to see this movie. Add to that how Moby Dick is one of my favorite books and now I'm even a little excited to see it. Here's the trailer:

A FILM UNFINISHED TRAILER

Usually this blog is mostly for me to be snarky, grumpy and downright mean. However sometimes something comes along that is too important for all of that. A Film Unfinished is just such a movie. The documentary deals with a discovered reel of the Nazi propaganda machine. Thus far most of the Nazi footage we've seen is inside the death camps but this reel is a different kind of horror, a deeper lie than we've known before. Here's the trailer:



The Nazi's not only slaughtered millions of innocents and through that action destroyed lives of people still living today, they hoped to try and turn the world against those they slaughtered through misinformation and lies. In a time when this same kind of deceit is being used to insight panic against a simple Community Center being planned "near" Ground Zero I think this film is something we all need to see.

2 + 5 = FUCKING AWESOME MONSTER TRAILER

Or at least that's what I think. Here's the skinny on the new alien invasion movie Monsters. Essentially this is really cool looking film made with seven people. Yep, that's right Hollywood fuckers, seven people. Two stars and five crew members were the people on hand to make this film. Everybody else I'm assuming dedicated their time or worked for free. Here's the synopsis:

Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life forms began to appear and grow. In an effort to stem the destruction that resulted, half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain the massive creatures... Our story begins when a jaded US journalist (McNairy) begrudgingly agrees to find his boss' daughter, a shaken American tourist (Able) and escort her through the infected zone to the safety of the US border.

and here's the trailer:



I don't know about you but to me this looks like some really good shit. I hope all the Hollywood cunts out there who hire official ass scratchers and ball washers for every film at 100,000 a pop are seeing what can be done with very little except maybe an original story and some fucking talent.

DAYDREAM NATION Trailer aka KAT DENNINGS IS HOT

I don't know much about Daydream Nation other than it's named after a Sonic Youth album I really like. Based on the trailer I'd say it'll either be completely fascinating or some indie jerk-off waste of time. It's getting harder and harder to tell these days what indie films won't suck. I'll mainly go see it because I love me some Kat Dennings. Some don't see it but for me she is flaming eye scorching blazingly attractive. Here's the trailer.

SECRET ORIGINS: THE STORY OF DC COMICS TRAILER

I don't know how much you'll actually learn about DC and some of the shady shit they've done in the past in this documentary but it still looks cool. It's not out until November 9th but DC has released a trailer. Dig it.

SUPERMAN/BATMAN APOCALYPSE TRAILER

I'm about as done as I can be with the whole DC Animated let's-rehash-shit ideal. There are so many cool ideas and titles that get cut or canceled so what? So that they can keep giving us Superman/Batman titles? I don't like this story mainly because it's Jeph Loeb and he has done far more damage than his run on The Long Halloween or Superman For All Seasons can forgive. Don't believe me? Check both his craptastic run on Wolverine and how he ruined The Hulk for proof.

In this movie Apocalypse decides to get back at Superman through the newly discovered Supergirl. From the look of the Supergirl costume when she's under the Apocalypse spell it seems his great and evil plan is Space Pimping. I have no interest in seeing this even with my great crush Summer Glau performing the voice. DC released a trailer, here it is.



Superman/Batman Apocalypse hits on September 28th.

FINALLY!!! A True Ohio Standard Gets A Movie

When I moved down to Ohio I was told that several things would happen. First I'd get a really close up idea of what Road Kill Performance Art really looked like. Second I'd learn that when driving a turn signal is a sign of weakness. Third I was told I'd fall in love with Skyline chili. I didn't fall in love with Skyline Chili because it tastes like meat gravel but I quickly learned not to share that opinion with anybody.

Now it seems that Hollywood has caught up to the chili craze in the midwest and are making a movie all about this beloved Ohio staple. I'm not sure exactly how a whole movie on chili is gonna work out unless they throw in some Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Soylent Green ideology in there. Let's view the trailer:



Wait just a GODDAMN minute, that's not about chili, that's about aliens. Well fuck it all to hell doesn't that suck for Ohio!! Unless, well, maybe it's about aliens who bought Skyline Chili and got so fucking ripping pissed they decided to attack. Those might be giant blue shit bombs released on the world.

Could this be the bump Ohio needs?

This Is An AVENGERS Movie I'd Love To See

I don't know who did this or how but this fan made 1952 serial trailer for an Avengers movie could be the coolest fucking thing EVER!! I wish this was real more than anybody could possibly know. DIG IT!!




FUCK IS THAT COOL!! Sorry I've been away, it's been slow and I started a new job but I'll be back up ASAP.

Top Ten Things I Love About THE AVENGERS Trailer

Here's An AVENGERS movie I'd see.


So after holding onto it like virginity on prom night the Hollywood slime factory finally released the completely banal Avengers trailer. Nothing happens in this trailer, nothing at all. I don't mean kinda nothing or there's not a lot of action I mean fucking NOTHING. Releasing this is like promising a kid a dog for Christmas and then letting the kid find out he's not getting one because the parents forgot to take the dog toys and bowls out from under the tree. Yeah my parents did that to me and it sucks ass. In the spirit of fairness I really analyzed this trailer and found ten things I love about it. Here's the trailer.




10. Avengers is spelled correctly.

09. Robert Downey JR's smug cunt face isn't in it.

08. That "A"...wow that "A" is pretty nifty

07. It's black and black goes with everything

06. Sam Jackson does Sam Jackson, I was afraid if he stretched his acting beyond redoing Jules from Pulp Fiction again and again the Earth would crack in half.

05. The Avengers name spins around, very cool.

04. The wrongly cast guy from Captain America ain't in it.

03. The guy who looks too bored to be Thor ain't in it.

02. There was no cum shot

01. There's no release date on it so maybe these fuckers will give on this godforsaken abortion now.

AND NOW FOR NO REASON: THE OREGON TRAIL MOVIE TRAILER

Okay before the nerd revolution starts this isn't a real trailer for a movie based on a game (unlike the upcoming Monopoly and Battleship movies) but rather a fan trailer that's pretty goddamn funny. If you're familiar with the long running game then you'll be amped, if not then it won't be funny at all. Anyway, dig the trailer:

YOGI BEAR Trailer is....Um.....ah fuck it

The only reason I'm showing this fuckwad bullshit abortion of a trailer is so that anybody who even remotely thought Bill Murray should trust Dan Akroyd on the Ghostbusters 3 movie can see now why he shouldn't. I never thought they could translate getting your nuts caught in a bear trap to video but this proves they can do it. Watch only if you have a sickness bag near you.

Look how proud Akroyd is of this piece of shit movie. Unless two interns are below the camera blowing him during the intro this jackoff is actually HAPPY!! Attention Dan Akroyd, you have now been forever removed from the artistic process. Go home, bang your wife, beat your kids, watch Blues Brothers, Neighbors and Ghostbusters and remember you used to have talent. Just don't make anymore fucking movies you cunt.

I HATE EVERYTHING

THOR FOOTAGE...GET IT BEFORE IT GOES!!

Okay so not to waste time with writing a bunch of shit here's the Thor trailer that's been taken off line other places. No idea how long it'll be here.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #3: LET THE AMERICANS IN..NO WAIT

Apparently at Comic Con there was a new trailer and poster for the American version of Let The Right On In, now called Let Me In. The above poster is pretty nice and I have to say the trailer is very cool, if it weren't for the fact that it's for this movie. See the original Let The Right One In is a quiet movie about co-dependency and love with this supernatural thing moving in the background. This film looks like a big Vampire death movie with lots of action and characters that don't need to be there. Check out the trailer:

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

See, it's not bad but if you've seen the original you can feel how Americanized this is and that kinda sucks.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #9: MACHETE RED BAND TRAILER

I want to like Machete, I really do. Despite hating pretty much everything Robert "Stupid Hat" Rodriguez does I love Robert Trejo and holy Jesus shitballs does Michelle Rodriguez look insanely hot. At first I was pretty sold but this red band trail (which means NOT SAFE FOR WORK) has left me thinking it's another of Robert's overkill violence movies in order to show that he can't for any fucking reason has trouble with storytelling and god he fucking sucks at directing to solid direction. Here's the trailer:



See what I mean, it has less style than the original though the T&A was much appreciated. As for Rodriguez well while I was giggling at him calling IGN "loco" I did notice he got a much less stupid hat.

Go Robert Go!!