Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About

After many many months on hold, I'm back with five news items I could give a flying fuck about.




5. Lord Of The Rings Movies To Return In June To Theaters

I know I'm alone in the world but I really didn't like the Lord Of The Rings films. I tried, I worked really hard to try and be down with the hype but at the end of it all, as my good friend Andy says, it was 9 plus hours of people walking uphill and bitching. Then, for some reason I still can't figure out, the uncut versions were released and suddenly it was 12 hours of uphill bitching. Now, in order to juice the last bit of money possible from these dry ass movies (thanks Steve Harvey), AMC Theaters will be re-releasing all the movies again for people to sit and stare at. I'm sure lots of pissed off Nerds will be heading home to build a bomb for my car for saying this. Hopefully I'll have 12 hours to make my escape as these idiots pour over the re-release of Uphill Bitching Featuring Bling....oh, I mean Lord Of The Rings.





4. Double Bilbo Action

I know, I know, a second Lord Of The Rings shot seems mean spirited but I gotta be me. Apparently now, besides whatever actor is sabotaging his career by becoming part of a movie that's had more hold ups than South Central Los Angeles by playing the young Bilbo Baggins, Ian Holm will return to play old Bilbo. I'm assuming as book ends to this upcoming Hobbit movie. This will probably bring the whole told massacre to fifteen hours. My favorite was how Peter Jackson swore he would never do the Hobbit. Apparently the big monkey failure was enough to make him re-think that. Whatever, who cares?





3. More Faster And More Furiouser Fiver Or Sixer

So as America continues its journey to show the world it is the stupidest nation in the world, the fine citizens have decided to really push the goal forward but making More Faster And More Furiouser Part Five a super success. Apparently muscle bound cavemen talking tough and flashing guns while blowing shit up is what America wants to see. Now, on the heels of this shit storm comes news that the "actors" from this abortion of a franchise will return for another installment. The only way I'd watch this movie is if Vin Diesel admitted the truth and spent the entire film dressed like Captain Caveman and shouted that at the start of every car chase.





2. Bill & Ted 3 Has A Script

Seriously? Really? Didn't the utter failure of Scream 4 teach any of these Hollywood scum that nobody gives a rampant shit about a sequel twenty years later. First of all this is Bill And Ted.....I'll say that again....Bill And Ted. There was no reason for the first sequel and this makes even less sense. Are the old now? Did Wild Stallions become the biggest band ever? How will they replace George Carlin? No matter what it is, it isn't a movie that needs to be made.






1. The Avengers Started Shooting And This Was A Publicity Still

I'm not particularly pissed that The Avengers started filming because I've gone on and on about my problems with the film. My biggest issue is this shitty nudge-nudge-wink-wink photo with directors chairs for the members of the team. Really? Fuck you Marvel, just make the movie and stop being cutesy. You don't care about comic book fans, you don't care about comic books, so stop pretending you're "down".

Later
Iann

TOP 5 NEWS ITEMS I DON'T CARE ABOUT 8/20/2010

I've been away for awhile mainly due to me new job, which is cool but doesn't allow me much time to write or do anything fun. Damn that being a grown up bullshit. Anyhoo over the past week so much has gone down and a good deal of it I don't give a flying fuck about at all. Being that I like to tell people about things I don't care about here are the Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About.





5. Matthew Lillard Might Be In Scream 4

Not only do I not care about Matthew Lillard but I don't give a shit about this movie. Scream was the beginning of the end for good horror movies and the two sequels sucked so bad it was hard to believe they weren't making it up as they went along. One of my least favorite parts of Scream was Lillard and one of my most favorite things was watching his fucking career implode. I hated his date rapist smile, his laugh, anything about him made me sick.

Scream 4 has been beset by so many problems I'm sure Bob and Harvey Weinstein are trying to drum up whatever rumors and bullshit they can to keep interest alive. Think about it, Neve Campbell (who I still want to fuck for some reason) hasn't done shit for years and even SHE doesn't want to come back for the 4th movie. I hope Matthew Lillard isn't in Scream 4 because the whole fucking thing gets shut down.






4. JUMPER Might Get A Sequel

Oh well thank God because if ever a movie deserved a sequel it was this worthless sci-fi shitpile. The movie jumped out of theaters faster than the hero in the movie (played by Hayden Christiensen--the guy who ruined Darth Vader) and the one silver lining was that there would be no sequel. NOPE, the slime cunts over at Fox are clamoring for a franchise since Percy Jackson and The A-Team tanked hard over the summer. I guess a franchise is so important that sequels to miserable failures are being considered. Good time for people to start talking about Jaws 5.





3. Early Buzz Says David Fincher's "The Social Network" Is Really Good

Okay first of all David Fincher hasn't done anything that hasn't sucked ass since Fight Club (Zodiac was boring and Benjamin Buttons was furiously awful) so hearing his movie about the rise of Facebook starring The Other Michael Cera does nothing to motivate me to see this movie. A movie about Facebook? Fuck yourself.






2. Twilight Eclipse Director To Direct Wolverine Sequel

Well of course. I mean heebee geebee and pork my sister who else to helm a violent action movie based on the classic Frank Miller series than a guy who fucked around with sexy vampires and buff werewolves. Why not have the director of The Switch helm the next Batman movie. Who cares? Hollycunt sure doesn't.






1. DC Animated Release Their Shorts On Disc

Let me see if I have this right, just so I'm clear. DC Animated has taken three of the shorts already available on their earlier animated releases, combined it with one twelve minute short titled The Return Of Black Adam featuring Shazam and Superman and will sell it for $30 (more for bluray). Um....okay, does anybody see that as an incredible amount of bullshit? Who is going to pay $30 for four shorts and what about those who bought the movies? They get a 12 minute short f0 $30? Oh, oh wait I see, there's 2.5 hours of extras. That's like head that ends before you cum. Smooth move DC Animated, no wonder you fuckers are failing.

TOP 5 NEWS ITEMS I DON'T CARE ABOUT 7/1/2010

I have to tell you folks moving to Ohio has been a mutant bitch from hell. First up the gigantic raging cocksuckers at Budget Rent A Fuck started my day by not having my truck ready and then just escalated it from there. The drive was long and boring and unloading everything I own in the death heat sucked. So after all that to end the weak with some of the bullshit going down in Hollywood is a nice little treat because I can go the fuck off. So lets get started shall we.


5. THE SCREAM 4 CASTING TROUBLE

I commented on this earlier because I thought the line I came up with was fucking clever as hell but Christ on a crutch the casting problems for this stupid movie won't go away. After Lake Bell (who NAMES these kids) left then Gilmore MILF Laura Graham hit the pavement. Apparently replacements have been found and that dork who played Seth on the OC factors into it somehow.

The point really is who gives a monkey shit if everybody leaves. This film is a pathetic attempt to revitalize a franchise that ended with a serious thud. I don't know how much crying Neve and Courtney and her stupid husband did to the movie studios to get this made but fuck them and this movie. Let Courtney and Neve got at it with strap ons and the one who cums the hardest gets to kill David Arquette. That's a movie I'll give a shit about.


4. HOSTEL 3 IS COMING

Seriously? Really? There's going to be another one of these piece of shit movies? Has everybody discovered that Eli Roth can't write or direct so they're trying to cash in before the rest of humanity understands it as well? Hostel has to be the stupidest horror franchise ever, it's like Faces Of Death but with people you root for to die. Second only to Rob Zombie's asswart Halloween remakes, Hostel is a large shit on the chest of a rotting corpse once known as good horror. Let's make a movie where I get to take the time Roth owes me for seeing his shitty films out of him with a fine set of sawing tools.


3. FINAL DESTINATION 5 GETS A TITLE

And that title is 5NAL DESTINATION and woo hoo isn't that clever and hahahaha isn't it cool to make fun of it and jesus christ can somebody hand me a shotgun to curl up to and end my pain. Who fuck cares what this movie is called as long as its the last goddamn entry. How about making a movie where the title has Final in it but the films never end.

2. TWILIGHT ECLIPSE OPENS

Since I'm not a sixteen year old girl I don't give a flying hump about these movies. Oh yes, if you do or you like the books then--male or female, old or young--you are a sixteen year old girl.


1. NEW PEE WEE HERMAN MOVIE

Call me a traitor, send me to hell but I just can't raise any level of caring when I hear that Judd Apatow is making a Pee Wee Herman movie. Apatow makes decent films but not all of them are great and though Pee Wee's Big Adventure is sheer brilliance as is the Pee Wee Herman Show, the fucking Big Top Pee Wee movie sucked. It's also been so long since Paul Ruebens slid into the character it might not be good anymore. Given those two variables I just can't be allowed to give two shits at all.

Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About

It's a new week so it's time for another top 5 things in the world of entertainment I could give two heaping shits about. Yeah I'm not lost on the irony that I'm dedicating space to something I supposedly don't care about and aren't we all fuck clever for pointing that out. Regardless it gives me a chance to spew venom over wasted space about stupid bullshit.




5. THE GREEN LANTERN SYNOPSIS

Apparently the official synopsis for the new Green Lantern movie hit and while others are cleaning freshly spent man milk from their shorts I must once again take the stand and call BULLSHIT. First of all the movie apparently has Paralax in it, a character that doesn't come along for years after Hal Jordan is first made a Green Lantern and when it does show up it's a huge chunk of the mythology. So now Hollywood has screwed that pooch after already sodomizing a kitty by casting Chest Rockwell Du Jour Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan and some ill bitch from Gossip Girl as Carol Ferris. In Brightest Day In Darkest Night FUCK THIS MOVIE WITH ALL MY MIGHT!!!




4. TONY JAA LEAVES ACTING TO BECOME A MONK

I don't care about this because first of all I wasn't a big fan of the Ong Bak movies and watching this Jaa guy cry over elephants and flip around doesn't really fall under the "acting" banner so him leaving isn't the devastating issue it apparently is to others.




3. DONALD GLOVER WANTS TO BE SPIDER-MAN

I don't care about this because it's fucking dumb. Donald Glover, from the show Community, is an African American actor who wants to play Spider-Man. Well hoo hoo ha ha Spider-Man isn't black so why don't we stop trying to garner publicity for ourselves and let it go. Tell you what when Ryan O'Neal or Bruce Willis can play Martin Luther King or Malcolm X I'll be down with tossing the race of a character or person out the window when the movie comes up.




2. GUILLERMO DEL TORO WALKS AWAY FROM THE HOBBIT MOVIE

This is easy because I didn't really care about the Lord Of The Rings movies anyway. Nine hours of people walking, eating, complaining, hiding and then walking again just didn't constitute a big fuck deal for me. Worse than that while I enjoyed the Rings books they weren't a favorite of mine. I know, recall my nerd card, send me to hell, whatever. The only good news here is that Del Toro can do something else, let's just hope it's not fucking Hellboy 3.




1. GET HIM TO THE GREEK OPENS FRIDAY

This is number one because of my thriving, throbbing, blinding, red eyed, black hearted, bile inducing hatred of Russell Brand. This hack cunt shitbag isn't funny, can't act and has made his living being cute and trying to milk this "Look at me I'm over the top naughty boy" thing until the cow has turned to dust. The only thing I want to see that fuck up in is a Snuff Film where I get to ram a hammer into that stupid grin of his.


That's it for this week, have to fill my Camel like Hate Hump back up. Thanks to SLASH FILM For The Glover/Spider-Man photo. I can't use photoshop for shit.

Top 5 WEEKEND NEWS ITEMS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

I've been away for awhile and I am sorry about that, it couldn't be avoided. I was down south visiting my family and while my mom does have internet it's not very good and she owns a Dell which makes accomplishing anything damn near impossible. When I returned today, outside of my Iron Man 2 review, I was assaulted with many, many weekend and previous weeks news items and most of the, well, I didn't really care about at all. Here again are my top five weekend news items I don't care about.




5. NBC Cancels LAW AND ORDER:

So after 20 years NBC pulled the plug on the long running procedural drama just before it broke the longest running drama series record left by Bonanza (21 years). Do I think this is kind of fucked up? Sure, it's too bad they didn't spend some of their NBC trillions to let the show limp across the 21 year finish line but really who cares. Law And Order hasn't really been any good since Jerry Orbach left and it really shit the bed once Batman's dad was hired to be the prosecutor. With the show having languished in mediocrity for the last several years it's hard for me to care that it's gone.




4. Sylvester Stallone Might Be Replaced As Rambo:

Let's get this all on the table so we can move on as a people. First Blood was a tremendous movie, everything else involving Rambo sucked ass. That's it, there is no argument, that is the reality of the situation. So whether they back a Brinx Truck up to Stallone's yard and dump the equivalent of a small country's national debt into it to get him back or they re-boot the series, really, who fucking cares?




3. Battle Royal To Be Re-Released In 3D:

I have to not care about this because if I let myself care I'll start killing people randomly.




2. NBC Announces Their Fall TV Line Up:

Hmmm, let me see if I can guess. Some shows stay, some shows go, new shows launch of which a few will suck, a few will be okay and a bunch will be cancelled. Then mid-season replacements come about and suddenly the talk turns to the next new season. This matters why again?




1. Smallville Shows The Costume:

So in the season nine finale there's a dream sequence and then a gift sequence where fans get to see a flash of the Superman suit they've never shown before. As much as I love me a good cocktease, I need to be hard for the action first. Smallville has sucked ass for two seasons so suit or no suit who the fuck cares.

TOP 5 WEEKEND NEWS ITEMS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

There's a lot of shit that goes down over the weekend that I don't want to waste a lot of space on so I've decided to bundle them altogether into one weekly little exercise. I hope you enjoy it:


5. Two New Iron Man 2 TV Spots:

I could give two flaming assholes about more rehashing of shit we've already seen or any new footage from this goddamn movie. Enough already, it's like Kick Ass, stop showing me shit and just open the fucking movie already. Are we so bankrupt for shit to do we have to watch bits and pieces of new movies every time somebody posts them? AGGGH It's sickening.


4. Chris Evans Talks About Captain America At Wondercon

This frat boy jock non-actor is the wrong guy for Captain America so listening to him yammer about why he's excited to play the part makes about as much sense as reading the back of a toilet paper package before wiping my ass. Not to mention the little bastard won't tell the truth like "I have nothing else going on" or "The fucking check was enormous", nope he'll just jerk Marvel off which is essentially what he did.


3. The Ghostbusters 3 Hiccup:

Apparently Bill Murray is being none too cooperative with the production people trying to get Ghostbusters 3 off the ground. Good, hopefully he'll derail this entire abortion of a project. You guys didn't mouth-rape the original enough with Ghostbusters 2 so you've decided to go into the basement, unlock the cage you keep it in, drag it out and molest it some more? Fuck you.


2. Step Up 3D Trailer

Unless this is a fucking snuff film where everybody ever involved with these movies ever is killed with rusty screwdrivers as their families look on in horror I don't give a FUCK.


1. Megan Fox Offered Red Sonja.

Rose McGowen is out and Megan Fox is in as Red Sonja? Until these two grab the chick from Dr. Parnassus and make two hour, 3D, scratch and sniff, lesbian orgy film that ends with them showing up at my house to work on the "extra scenes" I could give a good goddamn what this talentless hack does with her next movie.

There you go, all smiles and rainbows, that's me.