Showing posts with label San Diego Comic Con. Show all posts
Showing posts with label San Diego Comic Con. Show all posts

Monday, July 26, 2010

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #1: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE...FOR PHOTO OP



The biggest thing at Comic Con this year because the bullshit thing has NOTHING to do with comics it's the perfect time to talk about it was The Avengers movie. As you can see this was the first time all the folks in the film were in the same room and woo hoo what a fucking blast that must've been. So I could write about a bunch of shit but there's video so watch this instead.





Well if you made it through all that false fanfare and ass kissing you got to see Robert Downey cuntbag take another swipe at Chris Nolan (he did it before when Iron Man opened against the Dark Knight). You also got to see just how disingenuous these people are and how little any of this has to do with comic books.

WOO HOO FUCKING HOLLYWOOD

I HATE EVERYTHING

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #2: THERE'S A THOR MOVIE?



Well shiver my ass and call me for cow tippin' I had no idea there was a movie about Thor, mainly because I haven't heard one fucking word about it at all!! See there, that's sarcasm!! Anyhoo there was a big time panel for this movie, which I think has a maybe 45% chance of being any good and we learned all kinds of nifty shit. First up we learned via this photo that the Infinity Gauntlet will be in the movie



The Infinity Gauntlet was a bejeweled glove that Thanos used for utter destruction. Now does this mean that Thanos will be in the movie? Um, probably not so I'm guessing the screen writers either re-wrote the idea or Thor goes up against Asgard's version of Liberace. Next was the panel itself where all the actors crooned about how cool the movie is. Here are some highlights.

Natalie Portman Won't be in Avengers but will be in other Thor movies.
My future Ex-wife Kat Dennings is in the film, reason enough to see it.
Hemsworth knew nothing about Thor (shocker there)

Then footage came, footage I didn't see because nobody wants me at SDCC. Here's the description of what was shown:

Clark Gregg’s Agent Coulson opens the film circling a man sitting in a chair in what looks like an interrogation room. “One way or another we find out what we want to know. We’re good at that. It’s not easy to do what you did. My men are the most highly trained in the world and you made them look like mall cops.”

We see shots of Hemsworth rumbling with the SHIELD agents. This is all Earth stuff with Thor fighting without a suit or hammer.

“Why don’t you tell me where you received that training. Afghanistan? You strike me more as a soldier of fortune type. Who are you?”

And that’s when we see Hemsworth’s face for the first time, giving Coulson a big fuck you stare.

From here on the footage moves to Asgard. Sweeping shots of golden streets as Anthony Hopkins’ Odin speaks over the footage.

“I have sacrificed much to achieve peace. You have opened these innocent realms to the horror and devastation of war. You are a vain and cruel boy.”

Hopkins really shouts down Hemsworth, who dishes it back at the old man. “And you are an old fool!” Hopkins responds with quiet sadness. “I was a fool… to think you were ready. In the name of my father and his father before… I cast you out!”

That last bit was played over the scene in the Great Hall, Thor on his knees in front of Odin, his winged helm is removed and then we see a flash and a deep rumble of thunder and Hemsworth is laying in a desert.

Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings are leaning over him as he wakes up. He looks around upon waking and says, “Oh, no… this is Earth, isn’t it?” Portman and Dennings trade a look.

Hemsworth changes shirts in a later scene and Dennings sneaks a peek and says to Portman: “You know for a crazy homeless person he’s pretty cut.”

Next shot had Hemsworth trying to explain where he came from to Portman. “Your ancestors called it magic, yet you call it science. I can prove they are one and the same. The answers you seek will be yours once I claim what’s mine.”

Mjolnir is in embedded in the ground, surrounded by tarps and caution tape. A muddy Hemsworth approaches as Hopkins voice over says “Whoever wields this hammer, be he worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”

Hemsworth wraps his fingers around the handle and tries to pull with all his might, fails, screams to the heavens in frustration.

Then we leave Earth and return to Asgard as Odin lays dead (presumably) and Loki takes power as the successor to the throne. This, apparently, isn’t good news for the people of earth as they run around in a panic. More Odin voice over as Thor watches the devastation: “His fate is in his own hands now.”

Coulson and his SHIELD agents are in the desert as something crashes into the dust. The metal Destroyer stands and approaches the agents. “You are using unregistered weapons technology. Identify yourself.” One of the agents asks Coulson: “Is that one of Stark’s?” Coulson responds, “I don’t know. He never tells me anything.”

The Destroyer’s helmet opens and a bright beam of light boils there before shooting out and… well, destroying things.

There are lots of glimpses of the fully costumed Thor in battle, very quickly cut in the sizzle reel, but really badass swinging the hammer, deflecting blows with it against a stormy background.


You'll notice I haven't said one word about the Captain America panel and that's because I think that movie is going to be absolute shit. However Thor might.....MIGHT....be okay. They didn't show Kat Dennings in the photos so here she is:


SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #3: LET THE AMERICANS IN..NO WAIT



Apparently at Comic Con there was a new trailer and poster for the American version of Let The Right On In, now called Let Me In. The above poster is pretty nice and I have to say the trailer is very cool, if it weren't for the fact that it's for this movie. See the original Let The Right One In is a quiet movie about co-dependency and love with this supernatural thing moving in the background. This film looks like a big Vampire death movie with lots of action and characters that don't need to be there. Check out the trailer:



See, it's not bad but if you've seen the original you can feel how Americanized this is and that kinda sucks.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #5: FRANK'S BACK....AGAIN



I guess Marvel has never heard the term three strikes and you're out. I say this because the House Of Horseshit Ideas has not only brought The Punisher back into the Marvel movie fold but there's talk of doing a new Punisher film. Correct me if I'm wrong but these idiots have three bites at the apple and fucked up all of them. The first was of course the classically bad Dolph Lundgren Punisher with Louis Gosset JR where Frank Castle lived in the sewer for some reason. Following that there was an attempt at a serious Punisher movie with Thomas Jane and that one wasn't bad.

However according to Jane himself the movie that was put out was not the film he had signed on for and the sequel seemed even worse so he bowed out leaving the part open for this Ray Stevenson guy who sucked nearly as bad as Dolph and while the movie was goofy fun it still didn't get anybody into the theaters. If I was Marvel I'd take this as a sign and just let the Punisher movie go. People either don't want to see it or it's a story nobody has figured out how to tell. Either way who fucking cares, a fourth movie is a dumb idea.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #6: FUCK THE RED HULK



I can't think of a bigger Marvel misstep than the Red Hulk. Seriously, what a hunk of red shit we've had to content with for two FUCKING years. I should have known this would happen with Jeph "I Royally Fucked Wolverine" Loeb at the helm but I kept hope alive and ended up with a huge throbbing red veined Hulk cock in my ass for issue after issue. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse it did with War Of The Hulks, one of the most convoluted and horribly written series ever. Now comes the news that the Red Hulk will join the Avengers.

Well fucking shit pants golly golly gee ain't that good news. So far the new Avengers (that's new as in the new launch not new as in the New Avengers) has been hard pressed to find it's footing and somehow I don't see adding the big red garbage heap as a way to solve that problem. Oh and apparently the Red Hulk is really Thunderbolt Ross though I have no idea how that works since I stopped reading the thing in order to not blow up Loeb's house.

The only good news in all of this is that Jeph Loeb is finally stepping down as the writer of the Red Hulk. I don't know who is replacing him and to be honest I don't give two good goddamns about it. First off I know any kid with a crayon and a 3rd grade imagination can write a better story than Loeb has but I doubt that even if Alan Moore stepped in he could undo the damage heaped on us by this abomination.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #7: CHLOE IN ACTION/SUPERMAN IN SMALLVILE




For the longest time Smallville has sucked a thousand cocks laced with cyanide. Ever since the big "Doomsday" is coming let down where the creature that killed Superman turned out to be a hot, troubled ambulance driver that turned into a the Toxic Avenger mixed with a porcupine it's been downhill. The only thing worth a damn on that show was the character of Chloe Sullivan played by the nerd-boy-perfect-girlfriend Allison Mack. Then it was announced Allison would be jumping from the Smallville ship because, well probably because she knew the show sucked donkey nuts at this point. When that came out all of us who loved Alison and Chloe were super bummed.

Fear not!! As it turns out Chloe will be making her comic book appearance in Action Comics #838 and that kicks ass. Hopefully she'll be a permanent part of the DC Universe but even a brief encounter with the character is better than nothing. Here's the cover of Action Comics #893.




With Chloe gone and Smallville circling the drain the producers have pulled out all the stops for the tenth and final season by actually putting Superman in the show about Superman. Apparently a trailer for season ten showed not just the costume but also Clark finally being referred to as Superman. This definitely probably won't save the show but it will drag my stupid ass back for season 10.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #8: WALKING DEAD TRAILER



Yeah you can suck my ass it smells if you utter one negative thing about this being a bootleg. As the title says I didn't get to go to SDCC so this was what I got. No matter how ghetto the quality the trailer still kicks huge tons of ass. I can't wait for this show to come out and as I long, long time fan of the comic I can honestly say it looks like Frank Darabont did a phenomenal job. Here's the trailer:

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #9: MACHETE RED BAND TRAILER



I want to like Machete, I really do. Despite hating pretty much everything Robert "Stupid Hat" Rodriguez does I love Robert Trejo and holy Jesus shitballs does Michelle Rodriguez look insanely hot. At first I was pretty sold but this red band trail (which means NOT SAFE FOR WORK) has left me thinking it's another of Robert's overkill violence movies in order to show that he can't for any fucking reason has trouble with storytelling and god he fucking sucks at directing to solid direction. Here's the trailer:



See what I mean, it has less style than the original though the T&A was much appreciated. As for Rodriguez well while I was giggling at him calling IGN "loco" I did notice he got a much less stupid hat.

Go Robert Go!!

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #10: CHICKS MAN!!



For both of you who read my blog you'll know that nothing gets my nerd boner raging like the fantasy of being molested heavily by a girl dressed in the Slave Leia costume. Now to me that seems perfectly normal, a healthy fantasy based off of a young boy's dream. The problem really starts when I try to get actual girls involved in it at all. If you're at a bar picking up a chick and you mention, drinks in the face instantly. A one night stand will turn into couch time with porn and lotion if you bring it up and even a sweet and nerdy girlfriend (like I have) will tell you to fuck off if you suggest it.



Then it dawned on me San Diego Comic Con, a place that seems to be teaming with nerdy chicks dressed like Princess Leia. This could be the place I finally get to introduce some girl in that costume to my very own Bo Shudda!! First up nerdy girls usually don't know they're hot and feel uncomfortable showing that much skin. If I show any interest I'm gonna get blown just to keep the compliments flowing!!



Let's also not forget that no girl will find it weird that you're taking about her in the Slave Leia costume at San Diego Comic Con. I mean shit it doesn't have anything to do with comics so why not let it be an ass harvest for me alone!! Not to mention if I don't get laid by a Slave Leia I can always find a recently dumped Wonder Woman, Cat Woman or (god please let her fill the costume out) Power Girl!!

WOO HOO to being a dirty old man.