THOR-My Review

Thor was never going to be an easy movie to make. Unlike Iron Man, Batman, or The Incredible Hulk, Thor is a movie that takes place in two worlds. The fabled city of Asgard on one side and Earth on the other. From the outset director Kenneth Branagh had his work cut out for him and as Thor took shape, I became nervous. I wasn’t sold on the casting of Anthony Hopkins as Odin and I had zero desire to watch Chris Hemsworth botch the role of Thor. It seemed that the entire project would be just another stepping stone to the big Avengers film due in 2012. That didn’t happen, well, not entirely.

Thor is a mess, but an entertaining mess. The problems with the film come mainly from a lack of focus in the script and time spent in the wrong world. The story is simple. At the beginning Thor is an arrogant brute who starts a war with the Frost Giants for no real reason. His actions raise the ire of his father Odin who casts Thor and his hammer Mjöllnir out of Asgard, dumping both on Earth. It’s in the Earth realm that Thor learns humility and how to be a great king. If the script had stayed as simple as the idea, Thor might have been the best superhero movie since Dark Knight. Instead Thor becomes mired in Hollywood clichés and pacing problems.

The beginning of the film is flawless. Branagh knows how to direct an epic. The battles, staging, and direction of the Asgard opener are perfect comic book fare with a real respect for the source material. My initial fears of Hopkins and Hemsworth were quickly relieved. Hopkins is actually quite convincing as the all father Odin and Hemsworth knocks Thor out of the park. I wanted to hate him in the part but I just couldn’t. Not only does he nail the God Like swagger of Thor, but he also makes the Thor costume look really cool. The Frost Giants are well executed, as is the opening battle. Once Thor is banished to Earth the films problems begin.

When Thor gets to Earth he meets Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and her little crew of scientists. In the comics Jane Foster is the nurse girlfriend of Donald Blake, the man who can summon Thor by smashing his cane to the ground. For the film Jane Foster is no longer a nurse but an astrophysicist studying something that changes every time the plot needs it to. To be honest they never really explain what it is she’s doing or why her team is stationed in a small town in New Mexico.

Naturally a romance blossoms between Foster and Thor, one that helps teach Thor about humility. Portman is awful in this role. Calling her performance one-note is an insult to all the one-note actresses out there. There is zero chemistry between her and Hemsworth, absolutely nothing outside of the forced romance to move the plot along. Then there’s Kat Dennings as Brandy, the plucky comic relief, who utters things like “He was freaking me out” and takes pictures of Thor for Facebook. Brandy is so unnecessary and annoying I was rooting for her to die first. Stellan Skarsgard is wasted as the father-figure scientist who has absolutely nothing to do.

The Earth stuff fails to connect because it never rises above plot devices used to get from point A to point B. Thor’s relationship with Jane Foster and her band of merry scientists goes nowhere. The audience is supposed to buy that Thor is learning humility from this relationship but there’s no connection with the characters so you never become invested in it. The same can be said for the small town that Thor tries to lay his life down to save. The thunder god never interacts with the town so when he fights for it, it rings false. If Thor had become part of the town, learning little lessons about compassion and humanity from every citizen, the battle for the town would have had a greater impact.

Another glaring problem with the Earth section is the arrival of S.H.I.E.L.D. When Mjöllnir crash lands, it embeds itself into the Earth and only one who is worthy can remove it. A bunch of rednecks find it and a tailgate party emerges involving drunken yahoos attempting to remove the hammer. At one point Stan Lee tries to do pull Mjöllnir from the Earth with a truck, failing miserably. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives and tells them all it’s a satellite crash and everybody agrees and clears out. Nobody says, “Um, but it’s a hammer.” Essentially S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives so Thor can learn the location of his hammer and, when he can’t pull it from the ground, falls to his knees humbled. It also gave a nice arena to debut the character of Hawkeye. Like I said, everything happens just to move the story along.

What saves Thor is the action in Asgard and performances of the Asgard cast. I was particularly impressed with Tom Hiddleston as Loki. His performance is layered enough to actually elicit sympathy, even in the middle of his dastardly deeds. Thor’s crew of warriors also plays their parts with an eye towards restraint. For instance Jamie Alexander ‘s portrayal of Sif never panders to blatant sexuality. It’s obvious she’s beautiful, but Alexander never gives any “go girl” looks or “come hither” stares. That decision allows her character’s warrior status to be believable. All of Thor’s crew manage to, for lack of a better term, humanize their parts There was a lot of trepidation about Idris Elba portraying Heimdall, but rest assured, he is awesome.

Anybody who is excited to stay after the credits for the big scene that leads into The Avengers, skip it. It’s true that it contains the Cosmic Cube and a nice set up for the Avengers movie, but it’s really nothing you can’t read about or wait to see on line. For comic book fans, pay attention to a billboard in the small town for a cool nod to the first comic book appearance of Thor

Essentially Thor suffers from the same thing most of Marvel’s recent comic movies do, lack of a 2nd act. Iron Man and Hulk both started and ended with a bang but sagged in the middle. I know this will bring some boos from the gallery, but I enjoyed Thor much more than I did either of the Iron Man films. Both had pacing issues, both had action that saved the films and both had plot points that sucked. With Thor, at least to me, there was somebody to root for. Hemsworth’s thunder god is sympathetic, even charming. Where Robert Downey JR was mainly a smarmy, egotistical dick, Hemsworth’s Thor comes across as an actual hero.

Is Thor a perfect comic book movie? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes

I CAST YOU OUT (My Problems With Thor)

I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE MOVIE, BUT A MAN CAN DREAM

Recently, in the never ending quest to shill shit through a beloved character, 7-Eleven put together a big behind the scenes trailer for the new Thor movie. I've watched it a few times and come up with some frame-by-frame issues I have with the entire flick. I figure rather than just ramble on about it, I'd use this for some structure. Here's the trailer:





Now, here are my problems with it, scene-by-scene


Why does Asgard look like Vegas? There's more gaudy gold here than in any of Liberace's wet dreams.


Way to make Odin, the kind of the god, look like a feeble old man forced by his kids to play dress up. I kept waiting for him to ask for soft yogurt or pudding.


Apparently Odin doesn't so much strip Thor of his power as he demagnetizes him. I was also curious why he casts him out wearing clothes from The Gap.


First off, Kenneth Branagh looks old. Secondly, who the fuck cares what the producer has to say? This is the same dick who walks through Comicon on his cellphone with a new Thor t-shirt on that his assistant bought him. The type that relies on terms like "Richness of the characters" or "True to the source material" to mask the fact that he doesn't know shit about the character.


Did Natalie Portman just says Thor was from another planet? Actually looking at the scenes that follow during the producer's sloppy blowjob on the set designer, Asgard looks a lot like Naboo from Star Wars Episode I (aka rape my childhood). So did this "brilliant" designer just lift Naboo and decide to make it look like a Vegas theme park? Was it Natalie's idea?


Natalie Portman has never been to the desert?


Nothing like a guy from another country pontificating on the charm of a small country town. It's like when Americans go overseas and refer to everybody as foreigners.


Wow, you built a town. Clearly from this we can garner that you know a lot about the character and the history behind him. I mean you can't install fake computers into a fake town unless you've read a lot about Thor.


I want to introduce Jamie Alexander to my hammer...ohh yeeaaaahhhhhh


I do love that after a full minute of prattling on about the set and the explosions and the visuals, Kenneth tries to talk about focusing on the human dynamic and the passion, which is a Hollywood way of saying unnecessary love interest.


Why does Thor always look constipated?


Did we really need the Reservoir Dogs/Armageddon tough guy walk scene with the gods? Why is Loki looking at the jewel from Jewel Of The Nile?


Why is Heimdall black? I didn't realize Norse Gods had an overabundance of black folks in their ranks. Not to mention he's NOT black in the comics. Guess if it works for the Kingpin and Nick Fury, it'll work here.


I do like the ending WWE move from Thor.


So that's it. It seems like this movie is all about the effects and the visuals because nobody here knows anything about Thor. The guy they go to play him is all wrong, but that may only be because Thor shouldn't be brought to life.

Ok, This Kind Of Amps Me For The Avengers

As anybody knows I am not a fan of the upcoming Avengers movie. I think Chris Evans is a horrible choice for Captain America, I'm not 100% sold on the Thor movie and I've never thought Iron Man was any great shakes. That being said, this fan trailer pumps me up for what the Avengers movie could be but probably won't.

THOR FOOTAGE...GET IT BEFORE IT GOES!!

Okay so not to waste time with writing a bunch of shit here's the Thor trailer that's been taken off line other places. No idea how long it'll be here.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #2: THERE'S A THOR MOVIE?

Well shiver my ass and call me for cow tippin' I had no idea there was a movie about Thor, mainly because I haven't heard one fucking word about it at all!! See there, that's sarcasm!! Anyhoo there was a big time panel for this movie, which I think has a maybe 45% chance of being any good and we learned all kinds of nifty shit. First up we learned via this photo that the Infinity Gauntlet will be in the movie



The Infinity Gauntlet was a bejeweled glove that Thanos used for utter destruction. Now does this mean that Thanos will be in the movie? Um, probably not so I'm guessing the screen writers either re-wrote the idea or Thor goes up against Asgard's version of Liberace. Next was the panel itself where all the actors crooned about how cool the movie is. Here are some highlights.

Natalie Portman Won't be in Avengers but will be in other Thor movies.
My future Ex-wife Kat Dennings is in the film, reason enough to see it.
Hemsworth knew nothing about Thor (shocker there)

Then footage came, footage I didn't see because nobody wants me at SDCC. Here's the description of what was shown:

Clark Gregg’s Agent Coulson opens the film circling a man sitting in a chair in what looks like an interrogation room. “One way or another we find out what we want to know. We’re good at that. It’s not easy to do what you did. My men are the most highly trained in the world and you made them look like mall cops.”

We see shots of Hemsworth rumbling with the SHIELD agents. This is all Earth stuff with Thor fighting without a suit or hammer.

“Why don’t you tell me where you received that training. Afghanistan? You strike me more as a soldier of fortune type. Who are you?”

And that’s when we see Hemsworth’s face for the first time, giving Coulson a big fuck you stare.

From here on the footage moves to Asgard. Sweeping shots of golden streets as Anthony Hopkins’ Odin speaks over the footage.

“I have sacrificed much to achieve peace. You have opened these innocent realms to the horror and devastation of war. You are a vain and cruel boy.”

Hopkins really shouts down Hemsworth, who dishes it back at the old man. “And you are an old fool!” Hopkins responds with quiet sadness. “I was a fool… to think you were ready. In the name of my father and his father before… I cast you out!”

That last bit was played over the scene in the Great Hall, Thor on his knees in front of Odin, his winged helm is removed and then we see a flash and a deep rumble of thunder and Hemsworth is laying in a desert.

Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings are leaning over him as he wakes up. He looks around upon waking and says, “Oh, no… this is Earth, isn’t it?” Portman and Dennings trade a look.

Hemsworth changes shirts in a later scene and Dennings sneaks a peek and says to Portman: “You know for a crazy homeless person he’s pretty cut.”

Next shot had Hemsworth trying to explain where he came from to Portman. “Your ancestors called it magic, yet you call it science. I can prove they are one and the same. The answers you seek will be yours once I claim what’s mine.”

Mjolnir is in embedded in the ground, surrounded by tarps and caution tape. A muddy Hemsworth approaches as Hopkins voice over says “Whoever wields this hammer, be he worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”

Hemsworth wraps his fingers around the handle and tries to pull with all his might, fails, screams to the heavens in frustration.

Then we leave Earth and return to Asgard as Odin lays dead (presumably) and Loki takes power as the successor to the throne. This, apparently, isn’t good news for the people of earth as they run around in a panic. More Odin voice over as Thor watches the devastation: “His fate is in his own hands now.”

Coulson and his SHIELD agents are in the desert as something crashes into the dust. The metal Destroyer stands and approaches the agents. “You are using unregistered weapons technology. Identify yourself.” One of the agents asks Coulson: “Is that one of Stark’s?” Coulson responds, “I don’t know. He never tells me anything.”

The Destroyer’s helmet opens and a bright beam of light boils there before shooting out and… well, destroying things.

There are lots of glimpses of the fully costumed Thor in battle, very quickly cut in the sizzle reel, but really badass swinging the hammer, deflecting blows with it against a stormy background.

You'll notice I haven't said one word about the Captain America panel and that's because I think that movie is going to be absolute shit. However Thor might.....MIGHT....be okay. They didn't show Kat Dennings in the photos so here she is:

THOR IS IN THOR!!

Okay let me not front, I took this whole thing from TOPLESS ROBOT but I did it because the guy who writes the site Rob Bricken said nobody would care and I wanted to show him that at least one other person cares!! It turns out that actor Eric Allen Kramer, who played Thor in the Hulk Vs Thor TV movie is going to be in the new Thor film. Just like Mr. Bricken I to think that kicks a whole lot of ass.

For those who don't know after the end of The Incredible Hulk series Bill Bixby and the gang rounded up and did some movies to further the adventures of the green skinned hero. The Hulk met Thor and Daredevil, went on trial and finally died (that one pissed me the FUCK off because the Hulk dying from a helicopter fall is bullshit). No, they probably weren't very good by today's standards but I loved them and they still hold a place in my heart.

I'm not sure what Eric Allen Kramer is playing in Thor but it's one reason that I might go see it. There's little chance of this being a coincidence so whoever decided to bring him into the film deserves a big hug from every dork in the world. Oh and also Mr. Bricken good call on the Vincent D'nofrio idea as well.

MARVEL COMICS Tries To Use Art To Save Their Movies....Idiots

Everybody knows art and film no longer belong together....yeesh. So after the unexcited response to the Thor stills and the geek nervous breakdown over the polished Captain America costume art the folks at Marvel I guess started panicking. See both of these movies are setting up to be real boils on the ass of Marvel's well aerobicized ass. If Thor plays out as silly as it looks and Captain America comes across like a teen heartthrob then neither film will work and the Avengers movie will be fucked. To try and drum up the good times Marvel released these concept art posters for San Diego Comic Con.




While these sure are nifty looking what Marvel doesn't get is that the visuals aren't what we're looking for. We want good, solid, well done representations of these characters on screen. You can have Natalie Portman (starring in Thor) naked, bent over with one of these painted on her back saying "I want you from behind Iann" and I still won't give these movies my approval.

Okay well maybe I would then but...well...you get it.

THOR AHHHAAA SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE--IN 3D

Call me Nutty Pants McGee but this picture of Thor, Loki and papa Odin has a really big Ming The Merciless goon squad from the 80s Flash Gordon movie ring to it. Either that or some kind of S&M fetish armor aliens swooped down on Valhalla. Regardless it doesn't look right. Mjolnir (that's the name of Thor's hammer for those of you with a life) looks cool but Loki looks like an Asgardian used car salesmen and that foil eye patch over Odin's eye looks more like he got a chewing gum wrapper lodged in his socket.

The best part is that Thor AND Captain America are now both going to be in 3D. Not shot in 3D but post-production add on 3D which sucks giant anus. I'm so excited for Marvel to shit the bed with these movie that it's almost okay how badly they're fucking up the characters.

THOR Footage Is Cool, Interviewer Is CUNT

Seriously? I mean really fucking seriously? Everybody and their brother has been waiting to see some kind of footage of Thor and this is what we get? Entertainment Tonight sent this douche bag to the set with the interviewing skills of an aborted fetus with a hollowed out skull. This scum sucking shit cunt actually asked if Chris Hemmsworth had ever seen Natalie Portman rap? Right then and there Hemmsworth shoulda buried the Thor hammer in this fuckers skull.

I was also weirded out that Odin has an eye patch. I'm one of the few nerds on gods earth that finds eye patches to be stupid. Exactly how can the Father Of All Gods not fix his eye booboo? The fact that it sticks on without a strap reminds me more of a cheap Battlestar Galatica prop than some cool part of Norse mythology. Anyway, here's the footage:

Apparently THOR Will Split Time Between Avengers & The WWE

I know this picture of Thor's new movie costume hit a while back but something about it sat wrong with me so I waited to post it. At first I just thought it was the total lack of imagination on the bottom half, how it seemed the costume designers either ran out of time or money but that wasn't it. The costume reminded me of something but I couldn't figure out what. Then it hit me, of course, how simple. The bottom half of Thor's movie outfit looks like The Undertaker from the WWE. Think I'm wrong, dig it.




You take away the Undertaker logo on his pants and you have Thor's pants. Thor's whole suit now reminds me of a bad wrestlers costume, one from the eighties era where the characters were bigger than life. Imagine entrance music hitting that sounds like Viking Folklore and then movie Thor strutting down the ramp towards an awaiting Macho Man Randy Savage or Hulk Hogan. He'd be called Erik The Viking and whenever he got into trouble he'd illegally use his Hammer Of Thor without the ref seeing. Putting that spin on it the Thor movie now seems wicked silly.

Verily, Verily, Verily, Verily, Life Is But A Dream: First Image Of Movie THOR

Not much to say on this because it's just one photo, though the folks who posted it claim there's a "galley" but that's bullshit. So here's Chris Hemsworth as Thor and I gotta say it looks pretty damn good. I still have my reservations on how the movie will translate the comic hero to film without sounding cheesy but if anybody can I'd bet Kenny Branagh cann pull it off.

THE GOD OF THUNDER HAMMERS OL' WEB HEAD

Apparently the 2011 summer movie wars have started early. I'm sure we all remember when Sam Raimi decided he'd be involved in directing both Spider-Man 4 and 5 along with Tobey Maguire. Raimi and his cronies had been fucked pretty hard by Spidey 3 basically because it sucked large throbbing donkey balls. Emo Peter Parker? Dance numbers? A wasted Gwen Stacey? It all added up to one giant vat of suck. Afterward Raimi toddled off to do Drag Me To Hell which was also a crapfest and his fans responded in kind. I'm guessing this next bit of news comes because Raimi is tired of getting burned by bad scripts and Hollywood hype machines.

Spidey 4 is hiatus for right now because Raimi is being forced to add in a bunch of shit the film doesn't need. The movie company bean counting scumbags want a love triangle involving MJ and Felicia Hardy "The Black Cat" plus they want at least two more villains. I guess everybody hating Spidey 3 due to the rushed and botched Venom inclusion didn't move these movie industry leeches, they just don't seem to want to learn.

The other problem is that Raimi's original idea kind of sucks to. He wants The Vulture to be the bad guy and to travel around with The Vulturess, who I'm assuming is his daughter or protege or both. The Vulture is kind of a suck character, especially to base an entire movie around. Though neither party will say outright that Spidey 4 is all done the May 6th 2011 release date has suddenly been taken by Thor. I don't know, that seems like a sure bet things are rocky right now. Whatever the case I'm sure Spidey 4 will be as bad as 1-3 but now it might not get made

I can dream can't I?

THIS COULD BE THE NEW THOR???

This dapper looking twentysomething is Charlie Hunnam from the not-sure-if-it's-a-hit show Sons Of Anarchy. For those who've never seen it imagine applying the depth of Sex In The City and the violence-makes-it-art vibe of The Sopranos to the world of motorcycle gangs. Yeah, it's not very realistic or very good.

That being said rumor in Hollywood is that Mr. Hunnam is in line to possibly play Thor in the new movie. Are they serious? Has Hollywood lost all train of thought and just decided that if a guy looks like Heath Ledger he can probably carry a gigantic film on his back. Not to mention based on the AGE and LOOK of Mr. Hunnam I can see huge changes in the plot. Here's what I'm thinking:

The opening credits to be shot in quick cut form matching the 90210 opening sequence from the 90s.

Thor is like the totally brooding and quick tempered kid at High School. The bad boy nobody knows and won't take the teachers shit during Nordic God Gym Class.

After a fight with his dad he like gets totally angry and leave for Earth to chill out and try lattes.

He meets this AWESOME skateboarder named Donnie B. and they start totally grinding.

After an accident Donnie B. is hurt and Thor totally saves him by becoming one with him.

Now whenever Donnie B is in trouble or needs to land a serious trick he slams his skateboard down and becomes Thor.

Thor goes back to Asgard and finds the totally WACK loki has taken over the school.

Thor fights his henchmen and then after an epic dance off Loki and Thor become buddies in order to bring real justice back to the halls of Asgard High.

In the last scene Thor has persuaded Odin to bring Fall Out Boy to Asgard for his totally God like AMAZING birthday party complete with Rainbow Half Pipes.


That sound right to you guys?

THOR #600

In Thor #599 the god of thunder was sent to Ragnarok after Asgard was reduced to rubble and his friends killed by Loki. For five years Thor remained absent from the Marvel Universe and when he returned it was in great form with Thor #1 penned by J. Michael Straczynski. For the next 12 issues Thor began rebuilding Asgard and retrieving the souls of his fallen comrades from the human forms they inhabited. Even Loki returned though now in the guise of a woman but still unchanged. Loki has been driving a wedge between Balder and Thor through innuendo and lies and now it's come to a head.

Moving away from the previous numbering Thor #600 picks up where the new Thor #12 left off but it takes the story into the stratosphere. Straczynski is writing again with gorgeous art by Olivier Coipel and together they bring Thor to a place he has never been before. Loki has brought back to life Bor the father of Odin. Loki has also poisoned the mind of the Thor's grandfather driving him mad with rage and creating the mirage that everything and everyone is an enemy.

As Bor ravages New York Thor arrives to figure out who this is as he's never met his grandfather before. What follows is an epic battle that includes Thor, Bor, Balder, The Dark Avengers and ends with a shocking decision by the thunder god. The action in this book never lets up but also never subverts the plot. If this is the new direction that Thor is being taken in then sign me up. If you love Thor you owe it to yourself to pick this issue up.

Not only is this original story in Thor 600 but also a reprint of To Asgard Forever written by Stan Lee and penciled by David Aja. To top it all off are two separate Jack Kirby/Stan Lee stories as well as a cover gallery featuring every cover Thor appeared on in his own run.

This double sized issue is 4.99 (a dollar more than usual) but it's totally worth it.