A MOSQUE FALLS IN NEW YORK

PATHETIC, SAD AND IGNORANT (A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS)

I try not to get too involved with politics because it's nothing anybody will speak about in a real and concise manor. Nobody gets together and discuses anything, instead they fight and argue and try to center their party to be ruler of the universe. Our political system is so corrupt, so devoid of anything besides theft, bribery, collusion and so on that it only represents the worst in who we are.

However watching this whole business about a Mosque being built near Ground Zero and the incredible amount of ignorant hysteria around it sickens me. Let's clear something up right now, let's just set it in stone so we can move on. The Muslim Religion had nothing to do with 9/11, nothing at all. If you have even a general idea of what Qur'an is or what it's about you'll know that a Jihad is both a war of faith and a practice to combat oppression against the Muslim religion.

If it has a war ideal to it, it's fighting against other soldiers and people who create violence against the Muslims. Killing thousands of innocent people is not what the Muslims are about, it was a bastardization of the meaning by a war mongering political faction.

Sound familiar?

We in this country have oppressed, destroyed, fought and killed over our idea of Religion being the correct one for hundreds of years. What is the difference between George W Bush and Osama Bin Laden? Well, both are spoiled rich kids handed a huge leadership they then used for personal gain. Both have poisoned the idea of faith and religion for political reasons and both send others to die in a war they started. Not to mention both have killed thousands in the name of their persona beliefs. However if a church was refused in a Muslim community America would shit itself.

Moving away from all the political semantics there was no actual Mosque to be built anywhere fucking near Ground Zero. First of all it was a (approx) 15 story community center with a Mosque in it. It would also have a culinary school, after school programs and other community based things open to everybody. If all races and creeds are there when exactly are the people crammed into the top floors worshiping their God going to train terrorist soldiers? The entire idea is ludicrous.

The building is also going to be about five blocks from Ground Zero not on it so lets at least get the facts straight. According to a few news reports there is a full fledged Mosque even closer to Ground Zero that's been there undisturbed for longer than the Twin Towers were around. Let's face it folks, the terrorists have won because we are no longer America.

Every hillbilly redneck who is protesting this Mosque or any person that believes it is disrespectful has basically shit all over what America is supposed to be about and the memories of every soldier that died for the ideals of America and the flag. If we are now so terrified that we can begin dictating what can be done in the name of prayer we're no longer America and 9/11 has done it's job for the terrorists.

Trying to hide this fear behind a respect issue could be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Does that mean certain parts of the world should kick out all the Catholics because of the Crusades? Should the world fear America because we believe in a God that has caused more harm and death than any other? No, of course not because those who have done that don't represent our God correctly.

Much like the terrorists and the Muslims.

Americans love to get on a kick about how fucked up it is that everybody blames all of America because of the actions of a few e.g. racial murders, swindles that rob people of everything they have, etc. Aren't we doing the EXACT SAME THING. Are we so blind and stupid we can't even see that? We've taken a request to build a Community Center with a Mosque in it five blocks from Ground Zero and treated it as if these people wanted to build 70 foot posters of Osama Bin Laden right where the buildings fell.

I lived in NYC most of my life and I was there when the attacks happened. The way we reacted, the sense of us vs them, the nationalism that crept in over night was embarrassing. I remember certain idiots burning down delis and stores owned by families from India because they thought they were Muslims. It wasn't a time of great unity, for the most part it was utterly horrific how people responded.

I'm not a Republican or a Democrat so you can shut that shit down right now. I don't blame Republicans or the right because those who hold close to that party are delusional soldiers who live to take orders and obey no matter what the reality is. The Democrats are pussies, little bitches who talk a big game and then don't do shit. As Lewis Black says our two party system is basically a big bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

Before anybody tries to throw the "you didn't lose anybody" card let me squash that beef right now. My father died of AIDS, a violent, horrific disease that invokes nearly as much ignorance, violence and terror as the idea of terrorists moving into the city. I've had people from all religions tell me my father was burning in hell, that God killed him because he deserved to die, that AIDS was God's way of purifying our world.

Those specific people I want to beat to death with a pipe however if people not like that who still followed those Religions wanted to build a church near me I wouldn't call it disrespectful. I'm not a dick or hateful to people with faith because of a few assholes. See what I'm saying?

America needs to shit or get off the pot. We have two choices left and the time to make that choice is now. We either aspire to be the America we say we are or we don't. To be the America we say we are then we take the high road always. We believe in Freedom Of Speech even if we don't like what we hear, we don't take political or Armed Forces shortcuts, we always do what's right, just and considerate of all people.

That way will lead to attacks from those who think it's weak, to people who will exploit our high road and use it against us, it won't be easy. However if we did it then we would be that shining example and other countries would take up with us and a sense of brotherhood could emerge.

The other choice is to stay 'Merica, that good old boy redneck ideal that we have now. We keep doing all the underhanded, ignorant, violent shit we always have done but we own up to it. Instead of pretending we're a shining example and then really being underhanded scum (which is why so many hate us) at least if we came clean we'd be honest. I'd hate to live here but at least the hypocrisy would be gone.

I'll fight, kill and die for America but 'Merica can kiss my ass. I don't want to be from a place that dictates who can be in love and be married, that apologizes to BP for being treated harshly after they released a natural disaster the likes of which we may never recover from fully. I have no interest in a place where teachers, policemen and fireman are losing their jobs while mammoth corporations proven guilty of theft hand out big bonuses. Why would I want to fight for a place where anything can set off a chain reaction of violence and ignorance?

And why would I be proud of a country that keeps people from being able to worship in times when faith is all a lot of people have?

America dies a little more each day and 'Merica grows stronger. If 'Merica continues to progress the way it has then how far from another Nazi movement are we really?

You Know What's Great About All The New X-Men First Class News----NOTHING!!

Recently Bryan Singer called name dropping douche bag sellout bitch film guy Harry Knowles to chat all about the super neato groovy bullshit that's going to make X-Men: The First Class good even though it doesn't have shit to do with the actual first class of the X-Men. First we learned that Kevin Bacon will play Sebastian Show the leader of the Hellfire Club. We also learned this is a Silver Age movie and that the costumes will be more comic bookish. Yep those little tidbits mean that even though Jean Grey, Cyclops, and Iceman won't be in the movie it'll be an asshole puckered good time.

Let me add a wrinkle.

Having listened to this whole run down of nifty idea I have to say FUCK YOU that I'm a little confused as to why this means anything. First off who cares who Kevin Bacon plays, secondly Sebastian Shaw and The Hellfire Club first appeared in 1980. Exactly how the FUCK does that have anything to do with the Silver Age at all? With a non Silver Age villain and X-Men who weren't confined just to Silver Age how exactly is this a silver age movie again?

Oh right, I forgot, the costumes will be nifty and more comic bookish. Well sew my cock and sprinkle my ass with butter I'm sold. A total lack of understanding of the characters, involvement in a Silver Age movie by mostly non-Silver Age heroes and being directed by the hack bitch who gave us Kick Ass---that can all be undone by cool ass costumes. Case closed, this one is gonna ROCK!!!

As for Bryan Singer being involved I understand completely that I am in the minority here. I felt the first X-Men was boring as shit and the second one was okay at best. I realize I'm one of the few people on planet Earth that doesn't grab the KY and start jerking when those movies are mentioned but I'm not so having Bryan Singer involved doesn't mean anything. Plus he's not directing, he's producing, which doesn't mean much.

If they wanted to have a Silver Age X-Men movie then why not have it with the Silver Age X-Men and their villains and so on. Why go this ridiculous route of cramming this full of shit to market and then try to sell it as a Silver Age movie. Much like the Spider-Man reboot, Thor, Captain America and the upcoming Avengers, this is a movie be design, something built by bean counters, a marketing team and the Research And Development people. It's another in a long line of superhero movies done by committee.

Why I Don't Like SCOTT PILGRIM

I've tried, I really have tried to get into the whole Scott Pilgrim vibe and I just can't do it, it just doesn't work for me. From the day these blasted comics came out I've been bombarded on all sides by people having orgasms over Scott Pilgrim and his battle for some ill bitch he doesn't know. I read the first book and thought it was cute, the way you see a Hamster in a pet store and for a millisecond you think "aww cute" and then the thought vanishes. I never thought these mediocrely drawn half assed teen stories would amount to anything and boy was I wrong.

Now there are six of these books and a big time motion picture on the way starring Michael Cera and a bunch of other people all looking to bring these books to life. I watched the trailers and at first got amped for the movie, so much so I tried to read the other books and again failed to generate much excitement. For the longest time I never knew why but after a lot of soul searching it finally came to me. The entire idea of Scott Pilgrim is lame, seriously just annoyingly indie and stupid.

The story, for the six of you who haven't been overloaded with it, is that Scott Pilgrim is some indie jerkwad sweater dink loser who falls for a girl who has seven evil ex-lovers he has to fight in order to stay with her. Yep, that's it, that's the story. People can waste their breath spewing the deeper subtext but essentially it's all about this dork fighting other guys for some chick he just met. This is why 90% of the people into these books are chicks because chicks want a guy so whipped he'll do battle just for the pleasure of being inside her. Oh and Pilgrim also takes all the shit this chick dishes out on him.

See Scott is such a loser that you start rooting for the other lovers to beat his whining punk ass. I don't mean to sound overly macho (which I really can't being that I'm writing about this) but I'd have to be in love and with a long history to fight some dude to the death over a chick. In the story Scott barely knows her and yet he's so smitten and such a loser he decides to fight these psychos for her? Every man instinct I had screamed to put these books down before my nuts shrivled up.

Then there's the chick herself, Ramona Flowers. In the book and especially the movie she's some moody indie bitch who looks like she thinks she shits diamonds. Well she does change her hair color and wear goggles on her head. Um, neat? When she meets Scott she's really fucked up to him and he has to do some song and dance to win her over. I mean in the film she's pretty but way too cool for school. The kind of girl who wouldn't have a problem with anal but wouldn't shave her legs because that's selling out to the man. Look at the picture, tell me I'm wrong:



Then there's the fact they're supposed to be young and she already has seven ex-lovers? What kind of a fall down whore is she and how used is she? I'd be afraid I'd beat the last guy stick my dick in her and lose it to whatever lava was flowing out of her. Hey pulling on a wad of blue hair when you're riding from behind may rock but not hard enough to lose my cock to. Plus how good is this relationship going to be if every lover she's had is gunning for your head. What kind of mind games does this blue haired jezebel play?

I don't care if she makes me cum so hard I wake up days later in Mexico with a tattoo, a missing tooth and laying on a pound of cocaine, no chick is worth all this misery. Oh and save the love at first sight shit, it's still no reason to go through all of this crap for one girl when you don't know her. Why doesn't she fight the ex-lovers and how is her type so wide and varied and how am I supposed to believe she's finally found perfection in Scott Pilgrim.

None of it makes any sense and unless you have a pussy you'll hate it to. These are like the comic equivalent of the Twilight books. Anybody who likes these is really a sixteen year old girl on the inside who wishes she could have a super dorky indie guy like Scott who is so whipped he'll do anything just for a blow job and a groovy mix tape. Call me unromantic, call me an asshole but Scott Pilgrim Versus The World is a bunch of stir fried shit made up to look like something special.

My Idea For The KARATE KID REMAKE II

Despite all the odds or maybe because there wasn't shit to see this weekend, the Karate Kid remake made a zillion dollars and when the studio execs circle jerk was done it was time to make a sequel. The director is down, of course and I'm sure it won't be hard to get Jackie Chan and Big Willie Style JR into the mix. Add the speed a crappy script can be pumped out, the speed of shooting a cash-in turd and then the time allotted to make it 3D (cause you KNOW they will). I'm thinking summer 2011, either pre or post Captain America/Thor we'll see it. Being that I need some quick bucks I've written my own treatment for the sequel:


Big Willie Style JR is now king shit in his Chinese school after pounding the bullies. He has a girlfriend, a posse, everything he needs to make it in China. One day when he comes to Jackie Chan's house he discovers him packing saying he has to go to America because his estranged son is in trouble with the law. Big Willie Style JR says he'll go to and off they travel to America.

Once there they discover Jackie Chan's kid played by Harold from Harold & Kumar owes a lot of money to some drug lord named Kreese. Turns out after his karate schools closed Kreese teamed up with Mickey Rourke to cook and sell Crystal Meth. Harold was a delivery guy who lost a shipment and now owes Kreese.

Meanwhile LA Detective Daniel LaRusso (played by Ralph Macchio) has been investigating Kreese, not forgetting that it was Crystal Meth that killed Mr. Miyagi one awful night long ago.

Still driving the yellow car Detective LaRusso hears about a deal going down and shows up to find Big Willie Style JR and Jackie Chan beating up a bunch of Kreese's boys who are trying to kill Harold. Detective LaRusso helps them escape and decides if Harold will turn over states evidence they can put him in witness protection.

The problem is the FBI guy assigned to the case is Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) and his long hatred of Larusso forces him to snitch to Kreese.

Kreese kidnaps Big Willie Style JR and forces him into a death match ring against other karate guys. Big Willie Style JR wins his first match and manages to get the beautiful young girl who works with Kreese (played by Megan Fox) to get a message to Jackie Chan and Detective LaRusso.

Meanwhile FBI agent Johnny Lawrence strikes a deal with Kreese that when Larusso shows up they can fight to the death.

Recalling his old moves Larusso and Chan fight their way through all the guards and make it to the death cage match just in time to see a big guy hit a killing blow to Big Willie Style JR. It's okay though because Big Willie Style JR is really a mutant with healing power so he comes back and kills the bad guy.

Johnny Lawrence confronts Larusso and Kreese goes after Chan in a huge epic battle around the bad guy's lair. Suddenly Mickey Rourke appears dressed as the Wrestler and is about to do a flying elbow to Jackie Chan's head.

Big Willie Style JR can't help until the door blows in and Robert Downey JR dressed as Iron Man steps in with Samuel L Jackson's Nick Fury. They toss Big Willie Style JR the Thor hammer and he uses it to kill Mickey Rourke.

Meanwhile Chan is about to beat Kreese when the long haired guy from Karate Kid III steps in to double team him. Larusso is about to kill Johnny Lawrence but instead just honks his nose making Johnny understand it's wrong to be bad. Johnny jumps up and grabs the Captain America shield from Nick Fury and uses it to knock out pony tail guy.

Chan, Larusso, Johnny Lawrence and Big Willie Style JR surround Kreese and do a four way Crane Technique that kills him. Everybody runs outside where Elisabeth Shue and Hilary Swank are standing there saying that they're lesbian lovers who need help killing genetically altered piranha. They agree except Nick Fury asks Johnny Lawrence to be the new Captain America, which he agrees to and leaves with them.

Jackie Chan and Big Willie Style JR take Megan Fox to where the piranha are and after a vicious battle where they use karate moves to beat down the fish Hilary Swank and Elisabeth Shue get it on with Megan Fox.

Jackie Chan is bored until suddenly a giant Transformer lands and says he must help them fight the Decepticons so he leaves. Big Willie Style JR leaves the lesbian boat and heads back to China where he's greeted by Jeff Goldblum who wants to train him to fly fighter jets against an alien invasion.

Meanwhile Harold has become Larusso's cop partner and the two trade funny barbs while trying to stop a new drug lord played by Russell Brand dressed as The Joker. Right before the credits Will Smith shows up dressed in his Men In Black outfit and uses the laser pointer on the audience so we all forget what we've just seen and can see again and again.

I think it's a winner

DC'S Desperation Is Showing

Okay before you all get hard ons this isn't a real picture of Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern but some fan mock up, thus far the only photo was that weird one of Reynolds walking around in a Grey CGI suit. Anyway this little diatribe is mainly about how fast DC is rushing into production for their heroes. The whole thing is stinking of desperation on DC's part to try and go toe to toe with the Marvel franchises. The problem is DC is putting the horse way before the cart.

Green Lantern hasn't even finished principal photography and already writers Greg Berlanti, Michael Green and Marc Guggenheim have been ass tapped to write the sequel. Not to mention they're already hard at work trying to crank out a Flash idea. First of all why plan a sequel to a movie that hasn't come out yet unless you're trying to crank them out as fast as you can. I'm also curious why the same writers are in charge of slapping together Flash. This comes across less like a think tank and more like a gaggle of writers the studios can control.

First off Marvel is enjoying a lot of this success because they are building on forward momentum provided by the fact that Thor, Captain America, Iron Man and Hulk all intertwine and will ultimately come to fruition in the Avengers movie. Marvel is also trying to coordinate with the movie companies that own Spider-Man, Daredevil and The Fantastic Four so when those movies are rebooted they will fall into the fold allowing for an entire universe of movies.

DC doesn't have that luxury and they seem to be wasting their time worrying about getting anything off the ground. Say they have Flash and Green Lantern appear in each others movie...then what? There's no way Christopher Nolan will have his Batman involved in that so at best it'll be Batman 4 (Nolan is leaving after 3) before the Dark Knight is involved and that'll be 2015 or later. The other problem is that Nolan's Batman movies are so good they've polarized the franchise. Who the hell is going to step to Batman now? Who would dare to dumb it down to a standard superhero movie and who would dare try to continue from what's been done?

Then there's Superman, nobody has any idea when the next Superman reboot will hit theaters or even if anybody will care. Add all that to no Wonder Woman movie even on the drawing board yet and suddenly the intertwining of DC movies seems silly. They won't have a JLA movie for a long time and by then won't Ryan Reynolds be a little long in the tooth to play Green Lantern so it'll be reboot time.

What DC needs to do is forget going toe to toe with Marvel and just create their own little film franchises. The first thing up is to reestablish Superman as a money making franchise by striking a confluence between serious and fun much like the Richard Donner original. Make Superman a good time again and let people rediscover him as a movie character. Then move on to Wonder Woman, bring her to life so that DC's big three all have movies out.

Where as Marvel is churning movies out like fast food DC should focus on being fine dining. Don't cross pollinate their films, don't focus on a JLA movie, instead make films for their heroes individually and make them amazing ala The Dark Knight. If not then most of the new DC films will end up on the same junk pile as Steel, Superman Returns and so on.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: JAMES CAMERON

So often people ask why nobody in the rest of the world takes America seriously anymore, why we're a walking punchline. If you don't already know look no further then the report that director James Cameron has been flown into brainstorm with scientists on stopping the massive BP oil flow that is currently destroying an Ocean, killing wild life, taking people's livelihoods and property as well. This is what we do while something this destructive goes down? We turn to a fucking movie director to save our asses? Has America drifted so far into the vast ocean of stupidity that we as a people actually believe a star can save us from the bad things? This isn't a movie folks and Cameron can't do anything for us. I mean Christ the whole mess is already in 3D because it's FUCKING REAL...what can this Avatar asshat do?

Anybody who is about to raise up and hand me a gut full of Cameron's expertise with underwater equipment just shut the fuck up right now. This guy used his money to fuck around with some underwater cameras and submersibles in order to try and lend credence to his crappy Titanic movie by filming the real thing. Well hell fuck yeah that makes him an expert in disaster clean up. I once had a bitchen remote controlled submarine, can I get flown out to help fix the leak? I thought we'd hit rock bottom as a country when California elected Schwarzenegger as their Governor but nope, we continue to drop down the ladder of humanity one rung at a time.

The thing that chaps my ass is that Cameron's legendary ego is so fucking out of control he actually believes he can help. He actually thinks he can slide in and try to fix the problem. Why, because he directed a movie about blue people who love nature? Is it because he's such a gosh golly right on tree hugger he thinks he can commune with nature? This just shows the lack of seriousness the leak is being given. Nobody gives a solid shit about the damage being done, everybody just wants either to not be hurt by the fallout or to be the hero of the day who stops the oil.

Millions and millions of gallons are leaking every few hours into the ocean, destroying the natural balance, reducing a huge part of the planet to a toxic dumpsite. Is anybody getting this? Does anybody really understand how bad it is? The people in charge sure don't seem to understand the reality here, or they just don't care. Obama, a guy I usually root for, has screwed the pooch so hard on this it brings back shades of when Dubya got Brown, the head of the Equestrian Society, to head up FEMA and totally fuck up the Katrina disaster rescue. Obama should be fining the board of directors of BP hundred of thousands of dollars personally a day until it's fixed and he should allow for those with BP in their homes to not pay their bills until it's fixed. Watch how fast that shit gets done.

Nope, not us, not our Government. Instead we send a movie director to help with the Sci-Fi robot plan. What's next? If this doesn't work let's call Christian Bale, after all he is Batman and Batman could stop this. We could call Brandon Routh, he's really Superman and could fix it lickety split. Better yet let's get the guy from Entourage who played Aquaman to swim down there and use his power to communicate with the sea animals as a way of fixing the problem. With the wealth of Hollywood movies at our disposal America has any number of people to choose from.

So while James Cameron brainstorms and America looks on rooting for him the oil continues to leak. BP continues to hem and haw and Obama does nothing but go out there and point to the oil saying "That's bad". Thanks Prez, glad you're here to tell us these things. My favorite is how the dirty rat bastard Republicans, who could be using this to crucify Obama have said very little. Why, because their scum bag golfing buddies are oil barons and they don't wanna bite the hands that corrupt them. If this is how we react to things then the human race deserves to drown in oil.


SERIOUSLY DUDE, I CAN FIX IT!!

Superhero Movies New.....Ah Who Fucking Cares Anymore?

Well it was bound to happen, seriously, are we at all surprised at any of this? When Superhero movies first started rising in popularity e.g. X-Men, Spider-Man, Batman Begins they weren't big enough hits to make the studios do more than cast a passing glance at a genre they figured could do okay in the theaters and possibly make the real money in DVD sales. Then along came Dark Knight and Iron Man, two movies that crushed the box office. Suddenly the studios were all involved, even buying up superhero t-shirts so they could sit in San Diego Comic Con and pretend "Hey dudes, we've always loved comics".

Whenever the studios get involved movies go from inspirational stories created by folks with artistic vision to game plans, marketing strategies, market research, focus groups, budget vs return analysis and so on. Essentially it becomes movies-by-committee and usually those committees don't have a single artistic vision amongst them. These people take cultural trends, "it" celebrities and combine it with finding people who will play the game.

Thusly instead of comic book movies made by people who love them we get superhero movies made by people looking to turn a buck. Sure Jon Favreau will remain in control of Iron Man and Chris Nolan will hold onto the next Batman movie but that'll be it. Favreau has already been squeezed out of The Avengers movie and Nolan has announced that the next Batman movie will be his last, leaving the studio free to screw it up.

With the studios now in control we can see the effects it's having on the new crop of superhero movies. First of all the dead-in-the-water Captain America movie which has Joe Johnston directing it, Chris Evans as Cap, some Gossip Girl kid as Bucky and now this unknown english looker as Peggy. The movie is going to suck, it's clear it will. Then we have Green Lantern with Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan another Gossip Girl star as the love interest and some crappy villain choices.

Now comes the news that the Green Lantern suit will most likely be all CGI. Yep, why try to make the suit work when we can punch it up on the old computer. This once again shows that the studio is looking to make a special effects bonanza that will leave script and story by the wayside. I mean any studio that would hire Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan is looking for the beefcake factor, not who is best for the movie.

Along those same lines is the new re-boot of Spider-Man, a total movie studio call to try and make the movies more teen friendly. After all teens spend way more fucking money than anybody else so why not dumb everything down to serve them. First of all the get Marc Webb to direct and while I loved 500 Days Of Summer, it's clear he was hired to give the movie a hip vibe. He's never directed action so why else would you give him an action heavy film? Then there's this little bit of news.

The person you see above is Logan Lerman, a current "it" boy amongst young ladies suffering their first pangs of sexual desire, who has been in a short lived series (Jack & Bobby) and a terrible movie (Percy Jackson And The Lightening Thief). This kid's name is being slung around as either 100% yes or 100% no for being Peter Parker because girls think he's cute and probably because the studio slime couldn't figure out how to get Justin Bieber to star. The reason for this teeny bopper Spidey is that the entire movie will be focused on kooky high school Peter Parker who has to fight crime but also deal with bullies, chicks and homework. Awesome, it'll be She's All That with a webslinger.

While people go back and forth about whether this Lerman kid is Spider-Man or if it's somebody else they all seem to be missing the point. It's over, the superhero being realized on film is done, kaput, all finished. What we're going to get now is a slew of badly done high budget, opening weekend jerk off sessions that try to...well this is how the studios would phrase it:

"optimize return on the studios investment by focusing on what our research and marketing people tell us is at the forefront of pop culture right now. Using the data given through various means of gathering intel we should be able to maximize prophets vis-a-vis food tie ins, toys, video games, clothing and accessories will minimizing costs through reduction of unnecessary elements such as script, director or skilled acting talent."

I hate everything

ABANDONING MARVEL COMICS.....AGAIN

Marvel Comics has become for me like the crazy ex-girlfriend you just can't get ride of. You try and try to separate yourself from her but the bitch entices you right back just to fail you once again. I used to be a huge Marvel fan when I was a kid. After Batman and Green Lantern the first hero I followed with any fervor was Wolverine. I loved Spider-Man, Alpha flight, X-Men all of it. Then slowly over time Marvel jus kept shitting the bed.

The first time I tried to leave Marvel was when they cloned Spider-Man, which was the fucking lamest thing ever. I came back a little while later but left again when Spider-Man became part of the Spider Lineage instead of just a nerd who got bit by a spider. Then I returned and was so let down by how long Civil War took to come out and the fucking bullshit "Oh gosh I was wrong" ending via Captain America I split once more. I came back a bit later and tried to stay but now, once again I'm leaving Marvel Comics and focusing on DC and indie stuff. Want to know why? OK let's chat.

First of all I'm tired of Marvel treating Spider-Man like the redheaded stepchild. Whenever they want to do something stupid they do it through Spidey e.g. Clone, Lineage, One More Day, etc. Spider-Man is now just a punchline, a hollow memory of his formers self.

Marvel has also forgotten how to write Wolverine. They spread him so thin in so many comics that he became watered down and post Wolverine the movie now he's supposed to be almost cuddly and yet crazy. Giving Logan back his memories was a fucking dumb idea, it zapped all the mystery right out of him. Instead of this dark enigma who appeared in a few books outside of the X-men he's become the Jonah Hill of comics. Every time you turn around there he is, it's annoying now. Mark Millar's Old Man Logan was the only thing in the last 10 years that's really captured the essence of what the character once was.

Marvel is also way to fucking busy doing event comics to make anything any good. House Of M, Civil War, Messiah Complex, World War Hulk (which was actually good), Secret Invasion, Dark Reign, it never ends. Most of them end of going on to long and only serving to lead into the next big even series. Dark Reign, the most recent one, is possibly one of the most pointless event series ever. It has gone NOWHERE!!!

They had some cool ideas with Skaar Son Of Hulk but ruined that quickly by bringing him to Earth. Jeph Loeb managed to destroy the great run Hulk had with bad writing and introducing the Red Hulk who just sucks. X-Men is still too convoluted to be enjoyable, the list goes fucking on and on.

Thor has dragged on with him sullen over being kicked out of Asgard, not to mention Thor is about the thunder god battling monsters and aliens and that kind of thing. For the last two years it's been about him in this Midwestern town and as with most Marvel stories it's gone nowhere.

Oh did I mention they stripped Dr. Strange of the Sorcerer Supreme title and gave it to a guy named Captain Voodoo who looks like a WWE Wrestler. I was also in hysterics over how they brought back Captain America. He was shot with a "Time Bullet" which sent him into a time void....RIGHT....GOTCHA.....FUCK YOU.

Now with Marvel being bought by Disney it's just going to get worse. Marvel will have to deliver the bucks to their corporate parents and that means more kitsch and less good, solid comic book work. So I'm out of the Marvel camp, I think for good this time.

THE FIRST PROBLEMS STEMMING FROM THE DISNEY/MARVEL ANNOUNCMENT

With all the hoopla around Disney's 4 billion dollar buyout of Marvel Comics I never figured the first real problems would come from DC Comics but I suppose looking at it the whole thing makes sense. With Marvel getting itself backed by the Deep Disney Pockets the ability to make money for the publishing group has skyrocketed. Movies, TV, Merchandise, hey maybe even COMIC BOOKS will all get a piece of the prize. The other part of that is now Marvel is in the limelight less than a year before Iron Man 2 hits the big screen. Almost to the day that the announcement hit Marvel started talking about rebooting Fantastic Four as well as putting Spider-Man 4 on the fast track.

Meanwhile over at the DC Offices they've suddenly been forced to stand in Marvel's shadow, something DC fucking hates. While it's true DC has and probably always will have a superior comic book universe they aren't doing well on the movie front. Sure the Dark Knight was a huge hit but Superman Returns failed horribly and now DC and Warner Brothers have to fast track another movie before the rites return to the Siegal Family.

On top of that DC keeps having these false starts whether it's the doomed JLA movie, the already shaky Green Lantern movie (with the horrible casting of Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan) as well as the unknown element of Chris Nolan doing a third Batman film. Fearing people will forget DC or at least not see them as just as filled with movie contenders DC has rushed these press releases about upcoming films involving the characters of Deadman and Lobo.

The problem here is that neither of these characters has been able to really support their own book much less a movie. Deadman is a cool character but a whole movie about a guy who floats in and out of people? I don't see that wrestling money out of the hands of the Avengers film do you? Even securing hack director Guy Ritchie to film Lobo is just silly. First of all I predict that Sherlock Holmes will be a huge flop. Robert Downey JR looks more like Prince and acts more like John McClain than Sherlock Holmes plus nothing Ritchie's ever done has excelled at the box office.

Secondly Lobo started out at as parody character and has pretty much remained one. True the upcoming comic run penned by Anthrax's Scott Ian might be cool but a whole fucking movie? Not to mention the plot of Lobo coming to earth and teaming up with a teenage girl sucks right out of the gate. Lobo doesn't learn about friendship from rambunctious teens, he shoots you then lets you watch him fuck your girlfriend as you die. Lobo is a vile character with no redeeming values so either you have a hero nobody roots for or a watered down version that sucks.

DC needs to CALM THE FUCK DOWN!! I know the Marvel/Disney thing is scary but try and remember that whenever Marvel gets in bed with another company they usually fuck it up. Stop trying to reclaim the limelight and just allow Marvel to be the quarterback for awhile. All the stuff going on in DC Comics is beating the shit out of Marvel's work and the movies will come if you let them. You force anything trying to wrangle the attention away from Marvel and you'll blow it.

So please DC, do what you do best and let Marvel mortgage their soul to the House That The Mouse Built. Right now you look like that kid in school who tries too hard to impress everybody and instead embarrasses themselves. Drop this Lobo and Deadman bullshit and focus on making a kick ass Green Lantern movie, figuring out how to make a new Superman and even figure out how you'll keep Batman alive if Nolan decides to balk.

MY THOUGHTS ON DISNEY BUYING MARVEL

So Disney is going to pony up 4 billion dollars to buy Marvel Entertainment? I'd like to say that it's a great move and we as comic book fans will reap the benefits of this new merger but I just don't believe that. I might be able to see some good in this if Disney was buying DC or even Image Comics but Marvel is way too eager to roll over and do parlor tricks for anybody with a buck and that worries me. From their crappy merchandise tie-ins (has anybody seen the Marvel Seelys Mattress comic book?)to their shoddy way of redirecting the focus of their Universe whenever a new movie is opening Marvel has long since made the transformation from comic book publisher to dancing bear.

With Disney now holding the reigns it wouldn't surprise me if Marvel just rolled over and allowed their stomachs to be scratched by the big bosses. Marvel wants to make money and they'll bastardize anything in their roster to do it. They completely retooled their Universe to center around Iron Man right before the movie hit, they slapped Spider-Man around with Brand New Day, they gave Wolverine a son and all of his memories back, and currently they're dragging out this Dark Reign series in hopes of shilling more books. Any company that is so dedicated to the bottom line will be easy to control once they have serious corporate backing.

Marvel Editor Joe Quesada claims that the relationship between Marvel and Disney will be much the same as the one shared by Pixar and Disney. While it's true that Marvel comes to the table with a proven track record the way Pixar did I just don't see Quesada fighting for their freedom the way Steve Jobs fought for Pixar. Truth be told most companies don't act that way once the big guns step in. MTV was a mecca of artistic ideas and creativity until they were bought up by Viacom and then, well I think we can all see what's happened there. I'm more apt to see Quesada agree to Disney demands and then ry and put the "It's an exciting time" spin on it he does with everything.

I don't think the effects will be immediate or incredibly extreme e.g. Mickey Mouse becoming the new Spider-Man or Marvel Team Up featuring Daredevil and Goofy. If anything I think it'll be Marvel turning their focus more away from comic books and more into movies and TV. I have this feeling they'll continue to go with the cheap and easy moves for the Marvel Universe (e.g. Captain American Reborn) to turn the kinds of profits Disney wants as well as scaling back on some of the sex and violence. The big movies will get bigger and I expect to see many more so-so movies specifically for the DVD market. In one positive note maybe we'll get more animated movies, that would kick ass. Whatever does happen I think the purchase will allow Marvel to live up it's post Marvel Comics moniker:

Marvel Entertainment

I SEE YOU WERE AN IDIOT IN THE 90S TO

THIS PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP

I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker years ago where these two old mean were facing each other sitting in an old folks home. Both men are covered in tattoos and one says to the other one: "I see you were an idiot in the 90s to".

I love that cartoon

If you're out there with blank skin and you're considering getting a tattoo don't. I know that's a haughty statement from somebody covered in them like me but trust me, I look at them mostly with disdain these days. Not all of them, some I can still smile about but most of the time it just reminds me that nobody was driving the car when I decided to get these. As with pretty much every stupid decision I've ever made it seemed like a really good idea at the time.

I can go around to most of the colorful trespassers on my skin and pick apart why they make me sigh and hold my head in my hands. First you have to remove the flash, the shit I got just because somebody offered me a free tattoo. Don't get anything like that for free especially with no clue what you want. That's how you end up a giant Celtic Cross nobody can see because it's covered in this stupid Demon landscape. Demons aren't scary, especially these. My right leg looks like a rejected Dio album cover. Even if it wasn't flash from a wall I have tattoos where flash translates to stupid idea.

The tattoos on my hands, yeah well, at that point I was young and riding high on the idea that I would be involved in the arts as my way of putting groceries on the table forever. Then the hungry wolf of reality ate me all up and shit me out into the working world. No matter how liberal we seem to get boss-man don't want nobody with tattoos in his office. It's ok though, I have that on-hand rebellion to get me through.

I have a half sleeve filled with Star Wars characters that feel like a dirty little secret since Lucas decided to mouth rap my childhood with his Roger Rabbit vision of the first part of the saga. It's hard to hold up your head with pride about a Yoda tattoo when all you can think of is "I will miss you Chewbacca". Same with Vader, "NOOOOOOO", yeah that makes it awesome to have these.

I have a huge Sailor Jerry style piece on my right calf that features six names of people I thought would be in my life forever. Of those people I currently really only speak to one of them and even him not as often as I once did. Two of the six turned out to be bottom-feeding vermin of the lowest order, I mean real scum. The other two just kind of drifted out of my life. Every now and then we meet up and pretend to give a shit about each others lives. Then the pleasant meal is over and we go back to ignoring each other.

The final of the six was the crazy bitch who was married to a friend of mine. Usually with break ups you don't choose sides. She could be caught with a cock in every orifice and he could be found out holding naked LSD sex parties with teenage girls, you still don't chooses sides. Every now and then, rarely, one of the two goes so far off the deep end there's no need to play Switzerland. That happened here, she was an evil bitch and now we all hate her. Still though, her name is tattooed on my leg forever. Good for me huh?

The piesta resistance would have to be my back where I sport a gigantic Motorhead Skull. Nope I have idea why, I have no reasonable explanation for doing it. I like Motorhead but not enough to have a tattoo of them. It's like temporary insanity, I seriously can't remember what drove me to get it. My only saving grace is I can't see it or else I'd be discovered dead on the bathroom floor with potato peeler and layers of skin everywhere. Yeah, it's that kind of hatred towards it.

I also never thought that ink would suddenly initiate me into a club I never asked to be in. This idea that if I pass somebody on the street who was also stupid enough to cover themselves means we pow wow for half an hour is insanity at it's most insane. We both have eyes, skin, hearts, fingers, why the fuck don't we have a jam session about that? Oh wait, is it because we're kindred spirits in some army of anti-this-or-that? Apparently that knowing look that says we secretly share a singular purpose because we have tattoos means I have to suffer fools all the time? Well then dishonorably discharge me from this army because I have no interest in it at all.

Tattoos as rebellion makes as much sense as hot noodles for child abuse. You don't have to look any farther than Kat Von D to understand how sickeningly status quo tattoos have become. Your rebellion is false, your community built on aesthetics and doomed to fail. Hell Christ teenagers now see tattoos as some kind of right-of-passage, a document to how mature they are now that they're 18. When mom is bringing her boy to get his first tattoo the revolution is over, it's time to shut the fuck up and go home.

I don't hate all of them, just most of them. The ones that remind me of mistakes, the ones that indicate I was too uninspired to figure out better uses of my time than to be cut open and drawn on. I don't see them as a badge of honor or some kind of map of my existence. That's the problem today anyway, nobody has to talk to anybody because everything they're about is stamped all over them. From tattoos to t-shirts to handbags, it's a walking resume.

So if you're gonna get a tattoo just remember the words of old Uncle Iann and toss the idea around.

You don't want to be one of those idiots at the old folks home do you?

ANDY KESSLER HAS PASSED AWAY

Skateboarding legend Andy Kessler passed away on Monday at the age of 49 from of all things a fucking Wasp sting. Kessler had an allergic reaction to the sting and died of a heart attack because of it. Kessler was a real deal skateboarding hero who ran with the Souls Of Zoo York team in the late 70s. This guy was just as important to the development of what skateboarding is today as Tony Alva, Stacey Peralta or any of the Dogtown Crew.

You have to understand that for me skateboarders were like real life superheroes. I always wanted to skateboard, since I first saw The Search For Animal Chin I wanted to be Tony Hawk or Lance Mountain. The problem was I had zero talent for it, and I mean ZEEERRROOOOO. It could've been that I was overweight or just scared or maybe I was just not coordinated enough to be a skater but I tried.

I had the clothes, the haircut, the skateboard and I could go from A to B on it I just had no juice for tricks. In my eyes at that age the idea of what they were doing rocketed the Bones Brigade into the status of a living Justice League. I watched the videos, bought their shirts and stickers and anything else I could

This was an era before any idiot with a board could start a company and release a video. It was before youtube or the internet period allowed you to watch your favorite skaters shred. It was also way before skateboarding became a sporting event or a mass co-opted thing fed to the mall crawling zombies by corporations. You just couldn't see skateboarding anywhere so you read the magazines, went to the shows and skated with your friends. When a new video came out you would've hit your grandmother in the head with a shovel to get it. Kessler was part of all of that.

It skaters like Kessler and Zoo York and their counterparts Dogtown that actually physically gave birth to the world of skateboarding. They didn't take it and run with it like Hawk and Caballero and Mountain did, they started it out of nothing. That amazed me even more than the boys that had been my heroes for so long.

I'm still obsessed with skateboarding and I'm still awful at it. As I get older those memories and those videos mean even more to me. I watch them constantly (on DVD now thank you technology) and follow what my old heroes are up to. I'm not trying to be "that guy" and jump on any bandwagon. Kessler wasn't a hero of mine though I thought he was pretty awesome.

Mainly his passing, which was so senseless, just fucking sucked. It sucked because he was an originator and an innovator who deserved a hell of a lot better than that.

A TRIBUTE TO JOHN HUGHES

I have to admit it, I was late to the entire John Hughes thing. Not because I didn't know about them, I was a teenager of the eighties I had no choice but to know about them. It was more because I didn't realize how good John Hughes was at what he was doing nor did I understand at 15 the social impact of his films. When Sixteen Candles first came out I refused to see it, mainly because all the cool kids were lining up to go see it. I sat at home with my stacks of comic books and ignored that it was even a movie.

Then a girl who I liked (who of course didn't like me) asked if I wanted to go with her and some friends to see it. The power of possible boobage will overrun any ethical boundaries you've set for yourself, especially at 15. When I walked out of the movie I wasn't pissed but I was confused. What had I just seen? The nerd girl gets the hot guy, the nerd guy gets the hot girl, what was this bullshit?

In my world of saber rattling and soapbox dwelling we didn't want to be part of their world, they were the enemy! Who were they to lower themselves to date us? The two nerds should've gotten together because that's what needed to happen. I wasn't totally outraged though, only enough that when I was done venting I never heard from that girl again.

My true source of outrage came from The Breakfast Club which I saw as a horrid propaganda movie about conformity. I'm not going to go into the plot because I'm 99% sure that those who read my blog have seen the movie or at least know about it. At the end of the film the rebel who has raged against the rich preppy popular girl is happy when they become an item.

The basket case girl really only finds happiness after the preppy girl plows her with makeup and she becomes more "popular pretty" and gets the jock guy as a boyfriend. Then there's the nerd who gets nothing but the chance to do everybody's in-detention assignment and for some reason he's AMPED on that. Oh man I walked out of that movie like a Al Sharpton in front of a video camera, out to bring down hellfire and brimstone on all of those who enjoyed The Breakfast Club.

I have to be honest being in a high school like Dwight where the kids were quoting the movie and seeing it 4 and 5 times was heavy going for a non-fan. I wasn't the best at avoiding confrontation anyway but this made me a target as soon as I walked through the door. I was the one kid who didn't like The Breakfast Club and I would need to be expunged like a virus from the healthy cells of high school.

From then on my hatred of John Hughes movies grew and grew. I hated what a cunt Ferris Bueller was to Cameron, I couldn't stand the bullshit ending of Pretty In Pink and finally I just decided that John Hughes and I had nothing more to say to each other. To be honest I continued to have stuff to say but Hughes remained oddly silent.

It was a few years later before I gave John Hughes another chance with Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Not when it was released in theaters but when it came out on....GASP...VHS. I friend of mine had rented it and forced me to sit there and watch it with him. By the end of the movie I was red faced and crying from laughing so hard. I literally laughed out loud from the Taxi cab race between Kevin Bacon and Steve Martin to the end which really actually touched me.

I remember my friend saying "Dude John Hughes kicks ass" and wanting to believe him but being scared. By then I had raged for so long about him that if I turned around and said I was wrong I'd been seen as a liar. You have to understand to the young adult mind you know everything already so admitting your wrong is like telling the world you were rooting for the Nazis...you just couldn't do it.

That's one of the great things about growing up, you realize that you will often be wrong and that admitting that is a sign of character as is the ability to change your mind. A few years after watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles for the first time a small arthouse theater was running a double feature of The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles so I decided to go. I went alone and sat ready to be confirmed that while he may write a witty adult movie his teenage films were bullshit.

What happened startled me.

I fell in love with those movies and by the end of the double feature I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. These hadn't been propaganda movies about conformity, these had been films by and large rooted in reality. Hughes wasn't making high school movies the way we wanted it to be but the way it was. Most kids who freaked out about not wanting to be part of the popular crowd secretly did, most kids who acted the freak did it because the felt unloved.

I was even moved by Molly Ringwald's princess speech about hating her friends. Even I who had raged about individuality all through high school had wanted to be in the in crowd or at least wanted them to want me so I could turn my nose up at them. The fact that they just didn't want me was painful as was the non stop teasing.

After the movies I rented all the John Hughes films and began to understand how good he was at finding the humanity in the most mundane situations. From a filmmakers perspective he was one of the first to really say "Hey let's pull the veil back from the image of uber happy suburbia and see what's really happening". Hughes had meant for Ferris to be a jerk because it made us look at ourselves and why we'd champion a guy like him.

I doubt there was ever a greater outsider/misfit character than Ducky from Pretty In Pink which got a second chance from me after I discovered that Molly Ringwald had forced the i-end-up-with-rich-guy ending and Hughes had wanted her to stay with Ducky originally.

Sure Sixteen Candles still wasn't a great movie but Hughes was cutting his teeth on that film and I'll say this, it has more to say and stands up better than just about every teen film today. I also firmly believe that without the Hughes teenage movies the entire indie-melancholy-teen-angst field that's happening today would never have been born.

With my new love of Hughes I delved into all of his stuff and found most of it really enchanting. Weird Science became my personal favorite because that was a stone cold perfect look at my friends and I at that age. I never did latch on to Some Kind Of Wonderful mainly because it seemed like a reverse Pretty In Pink but what the hell nobody is perfect.

Outside of Planes, Trains and Automobiles (and maybe Uncle Buck) my love affair with Hughes ended with his early movies. I was never a fan of the Vacation films and even less of the Home Alone movies and most of his written work post 1990 left me cold. It wasn't bad work it just wasn't the stuff he'd done before.

At the ripe old age of 38 the John Hughes teen movies make me nostalgic for a part of my life I couldn't wait to get out of. All the angst all the crap all the bullshit fades in time and you just remember that you were once that young. That your life was filled with possibilities and expectations and the world was your oyster. No matter how great your life is now you lose part of that as you get older. Life slaps you down, friends betray you, love is found and lost and that view point on life is tragically gone forever.

When reality, responsibility and grown up life start wearing on me I'll turn on those Hughes movies and escape to a time of neon colors, long coats, great pop music and bad fashion. It helps me remember a time when I wasn't so bitter and my cold shoulder wasn't the first thing I used to greet the world. Hughes did more than he probably ever hoped for with those original films and he touched more lives in more ways than he knew possible. I work with teens now and they watch those movies and feel like somebody relates to them. That's pretty powerful stuff the idea that though they were steeped in eighties style those movies spoke universally to any teenager going through the turmoil of....well...being a teenager.

For the films, the escape and the ability to learn more about myself I thank you John Hughes and I wish you great success in the next world.

Iann

ROBBY RODRIGUEZ CASTS HIS MACHETTE MOVIE AND PROVES HE'S A CUNT

Super hack director Robert Rodriguez hasn't finished trying to show us how cool and "outside the industry" he can be yet, which brings us to his latest mess. See ole' Robby has no real talent at all. He can't pace a movie, he can't direct one and he sucks ass as a writer. Want proof? Watch From Dusk Till Dawn in which Robby manages to make the film incredibly boring AFTER THE VAMPIRES SHOW UP. That's a real fucking gift he has there.

A few years back he and his fellow style-over-substance director buddy Quentin "Busy Re-editing Inglorious Bastards because it failed at Canne" Tarantino put out a large smelly pile of bloody donkey shit called Grindhouse. In an attempt to win more cool chips for their personal ego needs the two tried to re-invent the 70s Saturday afternoon splatter flicks and failed miserably.

While Tarantino's senseless and shockingly stupid serial-killer-uses-car movie was the worst of the two Rodriguez's zombie flick sucked as well. In order to really ramp up the hipster cool factor the two "directors" and some of their buddies made fake trailers for other movies that went into Grindhouse. One of those was "Machette" a kill-em-up violent action movie preview that is now going to be a real movie.

See Grindhouse was such a universal failure Robby's had little luck getting anything off the ground. Sin City II is stalled (thank GOD) as was his attempt to get Barbarella remade so his current squeeze Rose McGowen (she was going to star) would keep fucking him. Now Robby has decided to crack open one of his piggy banks and try to get this Machette movie made. The casting has been done and, like everything else Robby does, it's an obvious ploy to make himself look cool and show what a anti-industry edgy guy he is.

See all of these types of indie directors try so hard to think outside the box they become boring and predictable. This casting announcement is no different, check it out:

Danny Trejo: He plays the character of Machette and having been a "That Guy" staple in so many great movies it only follows that Robby would make him the star because it shows how he doesn't "care about the industry man, he's just out to make awesome flicks DUUUDE". The worst part is I like this guy and he deserves better.

Lindsey Lohan: This is so obvious it's painful. Lohan drags press where ever she goes because she's so fucking ridiculous. Not only that but since she can't get anything but arrested in LA she's down to do anything to jump start her career. This means Robby can get some great sex scenes and hot-girl-goes-violent stuff from her in ways she hasn't done before. Plus she's younger than Rose Mcgowen so maybe he can ride her to.

Steven Seagal: This one is a no brainier. This is Robby's attempt to try and take an 80s star and revitalize his career much the same way Tarantino did with John Travolta and Aranofsky did with Mickey Rourke (though Aranofsky seemed to have actually done it for the film not the cool factor). If it works then Robby can act glib and all "oh-shucks" when the media asks "How did you know Seagal would work out?" to which he'll answer "I was always a huge fan and it was more about what was perfect for the film." Which is gallons of horseshit. Really Robby, this is obvious even for you.

Jessica Alba: The cheesecake factor, put her in a small outfit and everybody comes to the movie. The bitch can't act so what else is she there for except to help the boner count?

Don Johnson & Cheech Marin: This is the kooky factor gone berserk. Hey let's get the guys who starred in the awful Nash Bridges TV show to be in our movie. The Kitsch factor alone will bring in all kinds of press. Hey maybe they can rocket out the kookyness factor and have Don Johnson write a song for the soundtrack.

Robert DeNiro: These guys always stick him in something to try and recapture their youth of loving Taxi Driver. Sadly DeNiro isn't that guy anymore so now it's just an old man trying to act tough.


These actors will bring in press and are easily controllable because they need something big in their careers and are hoping this Machette movie will be it. It's too bad because the movie is gonna suck. Don't believe me? Watch the trailer:



That's just the pretend trailer and it already feels forced and stupid, imagine once it has a budget behind it. Not to mention Rodriguez can't fucking direct or write so this takes on a whole new level of pants shitting awfulness. How does this hack keep getting money to do movies when everything outside of Spy Kids failed?

I hate everything

TRYING TO FIND CONVERSATION OVER THE HUM OF TECHNOLOGY

I decided the other day that I was going to go out and try to actually meet another human being. The world we live in is strife with the ability to communicate with each other but on a level that’s as impersonal as it’s ever been.

I remember long ago when somebody wasn’t a “phone person” it actually made some kind of sense. The phones were big enough to kill a puma, awkward and if you needed to do something you had to cradle the receiver in your neck until it started to throb. If it was hot your ear sweat in the receiver and after awhile the whole thing just became an exercise in pain and frustration.

Now I have people who tell me they don’t Instant Message because it’s just too much work. Wow, let’s really think about that for a second. The idea that reading and then typing one sentence or maybe two is too strenuous for somebody. The mind boggles, the soul caves in a bit because the technology demon has claimed another victim.

We have laptops with wireless internet, IM, Facebook, CellPhones, texting, email, Twitter and yet the world continues to feel more isolated, as if the dream of being able to communicate with out face-to-face confrontation has come back to bite us in the ass.

I decided that this beautiful summer day was the day I was going to break these technological chains and find somebody to talk to. We would talk about life and discuss ideas, even if the idea was that we couldn’t stand each other. At the very least I’d meet this new person who hated my guts by standing in front of him or her. I stepped out of my house anxious to start talking to people when my first hurdle came into focus: the Ipod. Well, truthfully it’s an MP3 Player but Ipod has replaced the actual name as the universal term for MP3 players. The way the Q-Tip replaces cotton swab or Kleenex replaces facial tissue.

There were so may people on the streets today, all basking in a warm glowing sun and every last one of them totally wrapped in their own little world. The player sizes were different, the styles different, even the way they were carrying them was different but the effect was the same. Passing within inches of each other these people had no idea anybody else was there. Sure maybe in peripheral way so they don’t bump into one another or end up street pizza but not really noticing what was going on.

At one point I saw a woman that was anatomically crippling. She sauntered by with her olive skin catching glints of sunlight as her long black hair cascaded over shoulders. The only things harder not to notice then her deep sparkling green eyes were her full lips and the generous and toned body she had was hidden barely beneath a tank top and short shorts.

I stood waiting for her to sprout angel wings and start healing the blind but I guess I was alone in this. Apparently the grooves were too groovy and the tunes too awesome for anybody (guy or girl alike) to give her a second glance. I knew then that trying to talk to anybody walking down the street would be a lesson in futility.

I mean I’m pretty damn cute but if nobody saw this girl coming then I could be goose-stepping down the street in a Nazi Uniform and remain mostly unmolested. I did try a conversation-starting smile at a few people but if they did notice me it was only to stare as if I had a mask made of boogers.

Defeated by the Ipod fiasco I tried to think of the next best possible place to try and meet folks. Then it struck me, a café, the age-old place where people congregated to share ideas over a cup of the greatest beverage known to man. I must confess I am addicted to coffee, in a way I never thought I would be.

Growing up the way I did a lot of inherent grown up things passed me by. For instance I never grew a taste for beer or cocktails so having a drink after work with friends meant I either had water or a soda. Not being able to partake in glib conversation over Apple-tinis always made me feel like a kid when I went out no matter what age I was.

The same had happened with coffee until my good friend Dave forced me to try a summer dessert coffee that hooked me instantly. Since then I’ve paired it down to a robust love of normal coffee, iced coffee, espresso, mochas and so on. When my palette for coffee had truly formed I began going to coffee shops with friends to wax philosophical and lose myself in the pretentious act of sipping coffee and talking about life. Having these experiences made me giddy that I’d find an endless supply of people to talk to today.

I headed into a place I frequent called Café Nation where I was greeted with a sight that made me take a step back. The place was full and most of the people there were facing laptops, clicking away on keyboards, Facebooking, blogging and not looking up at the people around them.

The best part was that some of the customers were there together, sitting across from each other staring at their laptops. The only time they spoke was to grunt about passing cream or sugar (well actually non-fat milk or soy) for their drinks. It was like the scene from Pink Floyd’s The Wall when the kids were marching towards the meat grinder. Who knew a bright and cheery café could be so eerily unsettling.

For some reason I thought maybe I’d try Starbucks but I was way off there. Not only was it another docking station for the laptop generation but also filled with awful college kids. It was like watching “2001: A Breakfast Club” or “Pretty In Processors”. Dejected I walked into Dunkin Donuts, which, while not laptop friendly, was not exactly what I had in mind. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against the drooling elderly, the homeless or Methadone patients but they didn’t really seem to want to talk to me and the average Dunkin Donuts has a smell that isn’t really conducive to much outside of dry heaving.

I did visit the bathroom of the Dunkins and while I’m sure Snot Art has its place it reduced the need to talk to the need to run, screaming and trying to choke back tears.. I stood on the street trying to keep my lunch down, sad that I still hadn’t found a single person who wasn’t chained to their fucking technology leash.

The rest of the day was the same thing in different places. I went to the park where people were talking on their cellphones or worse using their Iphone to watch videos on You Tube and leave comments. I thought maybe a nice outside seat at a restaurant might lead towards a new conversation. Ironic as it is somehow the act of eating gets people talking. That was not to be on this day, instead I saw more people sitting outdoors blankly eating food while typing on Facebook or Iming.

I do love the idea that people will involve themselves so deeply in Facebook. I know people who have more personal information posted on Facebook than they’d ever tell a stranger. I won’t lie, I have a Facebook page with likes and dislikes but not my address or my cellphone number and the only pictures are of my cat Quint who never goes outside anyway.

I do blog, I’ll admit that, and sometimes it feels weird, like I’m having an in depth conversation with an imaginary friend. Blogging is a fine thing to do for personal reasons but the idea that people are getting books deals or movies made about their “blog” is insane. I guess the need for memories is gone because the instant you have an experience you need to write it down in your blog.

If I had to pick the one technological juggernaut that I flat out don’t understand it would have to be Twitter. I won’t go out and tell people what I’m doing but I will update in words what I’m doing moment-to-moment and then use my phone to upload it. Twitter only lets you write a sentence at a time before posting. Isn’t that a conversation? You say something and then so does somebody else and so on? Why bother with talking when we can Twitter our lives away.

Dejected and annoyed I headed home to drown my sorrows in coffee and Retro TV (the greatest television channel ever). My trip was haunted by the constant parade of people listening to Ipods (sorry, MP3 players) and even the occasional soul awkwardly trying to hold up their laptops during the jolting ride on the Green Line.

When I got home I picked up the phone to call a friend of mine, a guy I loved talking to. When he picked up we chatted a few seconds before I felt a weird vibe coming from his end. I asked him what was wrong and you know what he said?

“Sorry man, I’m not really a phone person.”

TAKE IT OFF 2009

So the other day I got on the train and these four goon headed apes got on yelling about whores and drinking and fuckin' shit up and so forth and so on. These poster boys for abortion were sporting Ed Hardy and Tapout gear which has largely become the Douche Bag Costume Du Jour. Ed Hardy gear goes between Frat Boy Wanna-Be Hipsters and total "fuck yeah" guy shitheels while Tapout gear is primarily worn by date raping homophobes. While trying not vomit acid in their eyes I got to thinking of a great De La Soul song called TAKE IT OFF. I played the song and changed the lyrics for the awful fashions of today.

So turn the song on (because clearly you MUST own the album of course) and sing along, it's fun.


TAKE IT OFF 2009

Take take take take it off
take it off

Take take take take it off
take it off

Take take take take it off
take it off

Take take take take it off
take it off


Take Ed Hardy off
take it off

Take Affliction off
Take it off

Take that Tapout off
Take it off

Cut off black jean shorts
take it off

pre-ripped up jean skirts
take it off

Take those Man-dels off
take it off

Men in Flip Flops to
take it off

Your retro band shirt sucks
take it off

Take that Tramp Stamp off
take it off

Take those Ugg boots off
take it off

Those Gladiator sandals to
take it off

The earring gauges to
take it off

That backwards baseball cap
take it off

Those puffy skate shoes go
take it off

Your 50s retro look
take it off

Those super-thin t-shirts suck
take it off

take that fake bedhead off
take it off

Take that Shepard's Fairy shirt off
take it off

take those boot cut jeans, you're 70s punk rock costume, popped collars, thong underwear and sex in the city wedges off please please please

LEGAL BATTLE FORCES NEW SUPERMAN

What do you mean I'm boring?


If you're not hip to the current issues between Warner Brothers and the estate of Superman co-creator Jerry Siegel (a beef you can read about HERE)then you probably don't know that if WB doesn't spew out a Superman movie by 2011 they lose all rights to the character. With that in mind the long delayed return to Superman has been fast tracked overnight.

According to sources nobody was happy with Superman Returns (which I understand though I didn't think it was awful) so this film will be a complete re-boot. The studio sees Superman Returns as a bookend to the Richard Donner movies so they won't be asking Brandon Routh back to reprise his role as the Man Of Steel and between the fallout from the project and Bryan Singer begging for his X-Men job back he won't be returning either.

From what I understand the Wachowski Brothers (or brother & sister) are trying to pitch an idea with the director of their new film Ninja Assassin (check trailer below) to helm. As usual Hollywood is going about this the wrong way because that's all they know how to fucking do.

Superman Returns was chock full of ego and mistakes. The budget was too big, the casting (for everybody except Superman I felt) was way off and the fact that it was a drawn out melodrama all served to hurt it. However it is still the last thing people remember and trying to "reboot it" won't wipe that idea from people's minds. If anything Hollywood is going to make it more difficult by trying to round people up to give yet another actor a chance as Superman.

As for the Wachowski's, well, my issue there is that they love to fuck things up and masquerade it as "pushing the envelope" or "thinking outside the box". Want proof, watch the last Matrix movie or Speed Racer. I'm afraid with the essence of Superman intact leading to a disappointing movie with Superman Returns the Wachowski's will be able to just go out. We might be faced again with the latex Superman suit with an "S" that becomes two knives or other things equally as lame.

Keep Routh as Superman and get him some acting lessons to be able to play angry and fire everybody else (to be honest nobody remembers them anyway) then have somebody write in a more action oriented villain e.g. Metallo, Brainiac, Doomsday, Bizarro, etc. If you make a decent action and story film ala The Dark Knight and let Routh continue as Superman you'd have a sure fire slamdunk.

Reboots aren't the answer to everything.

CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE THOSE POOR ALIENS ALONE

According to all the other sites that actually get their news from cool Hollywood insiders Ridley Scott has agreed to take time off of his Pulitzer assured Monopoly movie to direct another Aliens movie, this time it's gonna be a prequel to the first Alien movie.....oh goody.

From what i'm getting the movie will be about where the aliens are from and how they got aboard and killed everybody on the ship that the crew from the first Aliens found them. There are a couple of reasons that this idea sucks glazed donkey nuts. The first is that unless Scott goes deep into the origins of the Aliens or something like that to create a different feel this new Alien movie will basically be a re-make of the original Alien film only with a new crew and a bigger budget. If he does go into some deep origin tale it'll fuck up any and all remaining mystery about the Aliens.

What we have here is a Catch 22 about a film series nobody gives a fuck about. I love Alien, the original film is still amongst my most prized movie watching experiences ever. From there I just begin to care less and less. I know, I know I'm some kind of Geek World Anti-Moniter for even suggesting that I don't care about James Cameron's Aliens but them is the facts.

I loved Aliens when it first came out but as time goes on it doesn't stand up to repeat viewings. Alien was not just a weird, claustrophobic thriller it was also a really solid character study about the people on the Nostromo. I can only watch Bill Paxton say "Game over man, game over" or Sigourney Weaver scream "Get away from her you bitch!!" so many times before it becomes silly.

I see Alien as a long drive in the country and Aliens as a roller coaster. Both are fun but the former you can always do and love while the latter really only works sometimes and even then it's kind of boring. As for Alien 3 and 4 well they basically just seemed like ham-handed ways of trying to re-launch something that was never meant to be a franchise.

By doing that Alien 3 and 4 killed off so many primary characters (especially 3) that it almost seemed to say the first two were unnecessary. More than just being bad films they seemed really insulting to the first two which were actually good movies. Yeah, even though I don't watch Aliens anymore I can't front on it being a decent action movie.

The Aliens vs Predator movies were just awful but mainly because they were celluloid versions of potato chips or soda. Just product to be shoved down people's throats bearing no actual nutritional value at all.

With the new movie I'm sure the Hollywood sharks will rev up a hype machine nobody can withstand and the film will open to big numbers. After the falderall the movie will slink into a niche behind all the other sequels until somebody needs a summer blockbuster and the large alien heads are dusted off once again.

It's sad really that the evils of Hollywood have done such terrible things to those innocent aliens but hey, that's Hollywood ;)

MY PLOT FOR THE WATCHMANIACS

So that's the new teaser poster for the remake of Nightmare On Elm Street. It stars Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger. If that name sounds familiar it's because he played Rorschach in the ill-fated Watchman movie. Now I dug his performance as Rorschach but this Freddy casting got me thinking we should combine the two into one film called WATCHMANIACS. Using the original Watchman trailer here's my break down:


Close up on a door in an insane asylum. Inside the killer from My Bloody Valentine is watching TV. He turns to see a shadow under his door. Suddenly a boot kicks in the door and the MBV killer stands up and starts breathing heavy. Subtitles say "Just a matter of time I suppose."

The person who kicked in the door, cloaked in darkness grabs MBV killer and throws him across the room. Quick shot of the MBV killer's gas mask as a drop of blood hits it. Then maskless the MBV killer is thrown through a window. THE WB LOGO APPEARS

Freddy Kruger walking through the streets clicking his knives. He bends down and picks up the MBV gas mask and says "WATCHMANIACS". Holding the gas mask Kruger says "One of us died tonight"

Quick shot of a photo being taken with Michael Myers, a female Zombie, Pinhead, Hannibal Lecter, Jason Vorhees, MBV killer and Freddy Krueger.

Back to Kruger jumping up to the smashed window. Quick shot of him entering the apartment saying "Somebody knows why" then looking at a wall of MBV's various gas masks and killing tools. Kruger says again "Somebody knows".

Cut to a shot of Lecter talking to Kruger saying "MBV had lost the taste." Cut to a shot of MBV raising a machete and then putting it down. Cut to a hole in the ground where MBV's body is tossed in while the Lecter VO says "Maybe somebody got tired of that."

Shot of Krueger walking away from Lecter saying "Maybe somebody is picking off masked killers". Quick shot of Jason Vorhees throwing the gas mask into the grave. Quick shot of Pinhead walking through hell.

Cut to the female zombie at a restaurant saying "Pinhead thinks hell has risen". Quick shot of a city with a dark cloud following it. Quick shot of Female Zombie, Jason Vorhees and Freedy Krueger walking down some steps. A Kruger VO saying "What if that's why somebody wants us out of the way."

Quick shot of police fighting demons. Kruger VO continues "So we can't join in all the fun." Cut to shot of Lecter jumping on a female nurse and biting into her cheek. Quick shot of a crowd, then Krueger leaping into a bunch of bikini clad teens in the rain, then Jason Vorhees getting set on fire, then Michael Myers standing in front of a house with a huge butcher knife. A Krueger VO says "An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us."

Slow shot of the female zombie walking down steps being sexy. A Lecter VO says "Watchmaniacs are over, what do you suggest we do about it?" Quick shot of Krueger standing on a tower laughing and saying "Retribution".

Shot of Lecter standing next to MBV Killer saying "We can end this world". Cut to a man being pulled apart but hooks and Pinhead standing behind him. Then Pinhead stretching his arms out as people run.

a title card says "THEY HAUNT OUR NIGHTMARES". Cut to the Female Zombie grabbing a victim and biting into his neck, blood spurts everywhere. Krueger jumps through a mirror at a girl, close up of his face smiling. Another title card "BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING CAME FOR THEM?"

Pinhead standing in front of the Female Zombie at his palace in Hell. He says to the Female Zombie "Why would I help end a world I no longer have any stake in?". The Female Zombie says "Do it for me" as part of her jaw falls off.

Shot of MBV killer jumping into a crowd slicing and dicing. Quick shot of hell with people moving through it, a shot of a cop firing a gun, Krueger jumping through a window into another dimension, Jason Vorhees landing in front of scared kids, Pinhead ripping through another body, Krueger slices a kid, Jason picks up a cop and snaps him in half, the Female Zombie tries to run from fire, the Female Zombie and Jason without his mask start to kiss, Pinhead being surrounded by demons screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE", Vorhees falls to his knees.

Another crowd shot, hell erupting out of the ground as Jason and Female Zombie kiss, another Krueger VO "The world will look up and scream kill us!!" Quick shot of demons attacking a crowd, then Krueger kicking in a door. Krueger VO "And I'll whisper..NO" close up on Krueger's smiling face. Title card that says WATCHMANIACS.


Well that's my idea

HOW TO FEEL LIKE YOU'RE AT SAN DIEGO COMIC CON WITHOUT ACTUALLY GOING

I'm probably the only sci-fi, comic, geek blogger out there who isn't at the San Diego Comic Con but that's ok because I don't need to be. I figured out an AWESOME way of being able to feel like I've attended without having to go. To make it work you'll need the following things:

Printed out posters of new "geek" movies coming out
a lighter and some gasoline
a CD of loud background crowd noise
a computer with a good speaker system
A superhero costume that doesn't fit
a few action figures
A medieval head vice


OK first put on the ill fitting superhero costume, it should fit something like this:





Once you've done that get in your car and drive a mile from where you live. Then get out of your car and walk slowly back home through as many crowded areas as you can. Try and make sure it's areas that it would be nearly impossible to walk through without bumping into people and where you move incredibly slow. Make sure you try and talk to people about the latest sci-fi movie coming out while they try to avoid you.

When you get home take out all your comics and burn them because....as we all know....there are no COMICS at Comic Con. Once all your comics are burned up put the crowd noise CD on and turn it up way beyond any possible comfort level. Then attach the head vice to your skull and twist it until the pressure it unbearable, then twist it a little more.

Once you're in that kind of pain alternate on your computer between movie trailers for "geek" films and videos of celebrities pretending they're into comics talking about their new project. Make sure this is as loud as humanly possible and that it's mixing with the unbearable crowd noise CD. For extra points find a lengthy video of Seth Green talking about anything and listen to it while jamming your finger into your eye.

Every so often crumple the printed posters of upcoming movies up and shove them down your throat much the same way the movie companies will if you were there. Alternate between that and shoving action figures up your ass until it bleeds.

After three days of this without stopping make sure to burn all the money you took out of the bank.

There, you've now attended San Diego Comic Con