Apparently Mephisto Is Directing The Spider-Man Reboot

I only say that because according to sources deep within the bloody, puss filled womb of Hollywood say that Peter Parker's love interest in the upcoming Spider-Man waste of fucking time movie reboots won't be Mary Jane. The only way this will work is if the filmmakers step up and make her Gwen Stacey even though I Gwen Stacey wasn't really in Peter's High School days. Perhaps it'll tie in with X-Men: First Class which also has nothing to do with that which it says it does.

The casting for the coveted "love interest" part has been a cavalcade of people nobody knows or gives a shit about. Teresa Palmer (The Sorcerers Apprentice), Emma Roberts (Scream 4), Imogen Poots (???) and a bunch of others have read with Andrew Garfield the boy and incredibly WRONG casting choice playing Peter Parker/Spider-Man in the reboot. I think it'd be cool if they never did this eliminated the whole love thing. Sure introduce the female characters but let Spider-Man just be an action film for once.

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD HIPSTER CUNT SPIDER-MAN

I know to some of you this is old hat, but I needed a couple of days to try and wade through exactly how I felt about this. So let me see if I have all of this correct because I tend to be kinda fucked up and I wanted to make sure I wasn't too far out of line. After firing Sam Raimi and deciding to re-boot Spider-Man the loser shitheels producers have decided to go with Andrew Garfield? This guy looks like a European underwear model and I'm supposed to believe he has trouble getting chicks?

So what's the tag line here? With Great Power Comes Axe Hair Gel and All Music Mix Tapes? This Garfield guy may be the greatest actor to take the stage (which I doubt) but he isn't Peter Parker, it just doesn't work. So is Aunt May an older lady who wears Betsey Johnson dresses, smokes weed and hits on Peter's friends? J. Jonah Jameson can be played by Alec Baldwin and maybe Green Goblin can be a German DJ who wears a big purple hat and a green loincloth. Seriously, how hip is too much.

If this Garfield guy walked into any high school the panties would be wet and dropping too ankles faster than he could stand it. He might get a radioactive STD but that's about it. Plus this guy hasn't done anything worth mentioning so why rest this on his shoulders. I smell a hope that he becomes the Taylor Lautner of 2012.

Another Update That Makes The Spider-Man Reboot Suck

TOBEY ON HIS LAST DAY

So yeah we all know that Spider-Man is getting rebooted because, well, I have no real fucking idea and to be honest the reboot thing doesn't really bother me. I never thought Sam Raimi and his little crew nailed the Spider-Man movies and clearly by the third one they just didn't care anymore.

My problem is that this reboot is sending Peter back to high school in what's been outlined as Gossip Girl or 90210 with a superhero not to mention that of course this crapfest is going to be shot in 3D. Why? Well mainly because the Vomiting Demon Abortions who run Hollywood love a trend that might grease their scaly hides with more cash. The day of the great superhero movie is a thing of the past, these movies are now being made by committee so bend over and get ready for the spiked cock piece of mass marketing.

Anyhoo, the list of who will play Peter Parker/Spider-Man in this wretched undertaking has been sliced down to five and I gotta tell you, it just adds fuel to the fire in my belly to bring molotov cocktails to the houses of every studio head in Hollywood. Here are the five choices we have:


JOSH HUTCHERSON

Yeah this kid would work if suddenly Spider-Man was set in a suburban grammar school and turned into a musical about how Jesus will help the web slinger save lives. Is it me or does he look like he spends his free time in a white shirt buttoned all the way to the top running around one of those Rock N Roll Churches singing about the Lord and the evil of Harry Potter?



JAMIE BELL

I had no idea that the new direction was to take Peter Parker away from being a nerdy science geek and make him some street tough crystal meth dealer with a heroine problem who is not stranger to the sweet, sweet mouth of an older man with a hankering for little boys. Great fuck idea here you idiots.



ANDREW GARFIELD

This would be an awesome choice if Peter Parker was a European underwear model bit by a radioactive spider while sashaying down the runways during a Betsey Johnson fashion show. How am I supposed to believe this kid is a nerd with no ability to get girls when he's so fucking pretty I'd do him?



ALDEN EHRENREICH

This kid looks like Russel Crowe and Leo DiCaprio had a kid, one with a serious drinking problem. If the new Spider-Man is a drunk irish brawling teenager from Southie then this dude might be the ONE!!



FRANK DILLANE

Not that this kid is a great choice since I don't know anything about him but so far he's the only one that might pull it off. True he looks like a slightly less good looking version of the dude that put the ABS back in Werewolf for the Twilight series but beggars can't be choosers.

To be honest if I had to cast somebody I might think about Elijah Wood. He can act and he looks young plus he's been out of the big time studio eye for a while so he could use another big movie franchise.

I hate everything

THE GOD OF THUNDER HAMMERS OL' WEB HEAD

Apparently the 2011 summer movie wars have started early. I'm sure we all remember when Sam Raimi decided he'd be involved in directing both Spider-Man 4 and 5 along with Tobey Maguire. Raimi and his cronies had been fucked pretty hard by Spidey 3 basically because it sucked large throbbing donkey balls. Emo Peter Parker? Dance numbers? A wasted Gwen Stacey? It all added up to one giant vat of suck. Afterward Raimi toddled off to do Drag Me To Hell which was also a crapfest and his fans responded in kind. I'm guessing this next bit of news comes because Raimi is tired of getting burned by bad scripts and Hollywood hype machines.

Spidey 4 is hiatus for right now because Raimi is being forced to add in a bunch of shit the film doesn't need. The movie company bean counting scumbags want a love triangle involving MJ and Felicia Hardy "The Black Cat" plus they want at least two more villains. I guess everybody hating Spidey 3 due to the rushed and botched Venom inclusion didn't move these movie industry leeches, they just don't seem to want to learn.

The other problem is that Raimi's original idea kind of sucks to. He wants The Vulture to be the bad guy and to travel around with The Vulturess, who I'm assuming is his daughter or protege or both. The Vulture is kind of a suck character, especially to base an entire movie around. Though neither party will say outright that Spidey 4 is all done the May 6th 2011 release date has suddenly been taken by Thor. I don't know, that seems like a sure bet things are rocky right now. Whatever the case I'm sure Spidey 4 will be as bad as 1-3 but now it might not get made

I can dream can't I?

YET ANOTHER CLUE SPIDER-MAN 4 WILL SUCK

Let's be honest with ourselves as a people. Let's really boil down the reality of what we know collectively and agree on at least one constant in the universe, one thing that can be built onto to hold the fabric of reality as we know it. This is an absolute truth that, while disputed by some, is proven again and again by the examples. This harmonic convergence of circumstances that we can call reality is this:

The Spider-Man movies fucking suck.

Yes I know, it's a simple reality but one that can no longer be denied. The Spider-Man movies have been clunky, badly paced, horribly written and basically an affront to anything that was ever good about Spider-Man at all. Think I'm wrong? Think I've just got a big case of sour grapes? OK there buster crab let's check out the evidence and see what the fuck might be up. I have a feeling once I go all CSI on these "films", then put on my sunglasses and walk away while The Who screams in the background we'll know whose right.

First of all they made the Green Goblin look like a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger and had him cackle like a 1930s villain standing over a damsel tied to train tracks. While her alabaster breasts heaved amazingly in the sweaters and her fire engine hair made you want to show her your own self-made spider webs Kirsten Dunst sucked as Mary Jane. She just walked like a zombie through the entire film mumbling and screaming. Then there was the badly executed sub-plot with Harry Osbourne played with drunken rich kid boredom by James "One Note" Franco.

Then came Spider-Man two which was just boring, unendingly boring. All of the "I'm not gonna be Spider-Man" stuff plodded through without any point. The only worthwhile part of that movie was Alfred Molina who was way underused and then killed off? Why would they kill off Doc Ock? What fucking possible point does that make?

Finally there's Spider-Man 3 which was such a shit storm even fans had to hold their noses. Emo Peter Parker, a dance sequence, Topher Grace as Venom?, A sympathetic Sandman? Plus the most egregious sin of all introducing and then totally wasting the character of Gwen Stacey, only one of the most important people in the history of Spider-Man. It was like Sam Raimi and his buddies walked into the theater, pulled their pants down and took a big shit. Then stayed around and smelled it and rubbed it on the walls then called it a movie.

That all being said the most honest appraisal of our current culture is that Shit Floats so obviously these movies made huge bank off of mall crawling idiots and frat jocks who just bought a Batman t-shirt from Urban Outfitters. With all of that money yet another sequel is spawning forward: Spider-Man 4.

To make sure we understand how stupid the filmmakers find us, Spider-Man 4 is rumored to not only feature one of the stupidest of all Spidey's villains "The Vulture" but also something called The Vultress. So, let me wrap my fucking head around this latest pebble of Hollywood genius. Instead of giving us The Lizard (which seems natural since Dr. Conner has been in two of the four movies) we'll be handed the old man in the big flying suit. Oh good, just what I've always wanted to see, Spidey slap it out with the geriatric crowd. Apparently John Malkovich is in talks to play The Vulture which I guess is as good as anything else they could come up with.

Besides the massive suckatude of that the rumor that Anne Hathaway would be playing Felicia Hardy AKA The Black Cat is now being debunked. In what can only be called the stupidest move in Superhero movies since allowing Shaq to play Steel, Hathaway is apparently going to play The Vultress, a female Vulture.

I will repeat that

Anne Hathaway might be The Vultress, a female Vulture villain.

Well that's a good fuck idea, that took a whole bunch of bright thinking on the part of the reprehensible swine aka producers. I'd maybe give Sam Raimi the benefit of the doubt except he's become just another Hollywood victim, a guy who fell from grace by believing his own hype. Want proof, go watch Evil Dead 2 and then Drag Me To Hell and tell me two very different souls didn't made those films. A Vultress? Seriously, seriously......FUCKING SERIOUSLY!!!? It's not bad enough we'll watch one silly guy in a skin tight Vulture suit, we now will have to watch Hathaway in one and trying to be sexy. Sorry chimp, it's hard to be sexy in GIANT FUCKING WINGS!!!!!

Why not just find the guy who played Hawk on Buck Rogers and let him play Brother Vulture. it'll be a whole goddamn avian theme that Spidey will have to do battle with. I'm bummed that they might go this route but I'm not surprised. Marvel has been so busy jerking itself off with lotion purchased by Disney dollars they could care less what happens to their characters.

I hate everything

SCORE 1 FOR THE GOOD GUYS: THE SPIDER-MAN MUSICAL IS SLAPPED DOWN

So check this little tidbit of awesome news from The New York Times:


"Last week, Michael Riedel reported that work on next year's Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark had been put on "hiatus" after producers ran out of money. Now, in today's Post, he says the actors are being released from their contracts, which certainly doesn't bode well for the show's planned opening next February.

This is reportedly the fault of the show's producers, Sony, Marvel, and David Garfinkle, a Chicago lawyer with practically no Broadway experience who's been unable to rein in Julie Taymor's expensive impulses and watched the budget swell to a hilarious $45 million. Riedel says a move to replace Garfinkle last week was unsuccessful because more experienced producers know better than to sign up for a probable disaster. Also, speaking with a math-capable source, Riedel says Spider-Man would have to play sold-out shows for five years just to break even."

Well shit my timbers and call me ta breakfast!! What a fucking surprise that this show finally failed in a large flaming burst of pants shitting hilarity. Is anybody really surprised that this pretentious crap fest didn't even make it Broadway? Did we forget that U2 at their most incredibly pretentious (and that's saying something for those fucks) was writing the music. Can you really see Spidey swinging through New York singing "It's a beautiful day"?

Forgetting that Bozo...sorry, sorry...BONO and his Edge crony wrote a musical titled "Turn Off The Dark" it also had a new villain named Swiss Miss (sorry, not kidding on any level) superheroes make bad musicals. It just doesn't work, it's silly to begin with and you're looking at big money just to make it look like this character has superpowers. I'm hoping this failure will lead to less idiots just trying to rush into making comic book properties into films or shows or whatever because it's a trend right now.

BONO AND THE EDGE TALK SPIDER-MAN CONTINUE TO HOLD PRETENTIOUS DOUCHE BAG HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

These kinds of things make me smile because it gives me plenty of ammunition to fend off my friends and relatives who tell me I'm too negative. If watching these two douche bags wax philosophical about the add-to-my-list-of-reasons-to-die Spider-Man musical doesn't prove we are one step closer to the end of civilization I don't know what does. Watch as these too gaseous assbags compare Spider-Man to rock n roll and U2 and prove not only that their band is the musical equivalent of the Emperor's New Clothes but also that they can ruin anything they're a part of just by talking about it. I was vomiting like a teenage model after a salad by the time this was done.




i hate everything