Captain America--My Review

Captain America is the best superhero movie since The Dark Knight.

Now before people start screaming for my head or ordering a straight jacket, let me explain what I mean. Watching Captain America something clicked for me, something that finally made me understand the ups and downs of this genre. You can only tell a comic book tale in two ways, either completely realistically or as a complete fantasy. The Dark Knight was the first, Captain America the latter. So while Dark Knight is a superior film, Captain America is just as good of a comic book film. Captain America works because it realizes it’s a comic book and never strays from that idea.

I’m actually interested in how Captain America will blend with the more action heavy and “realistic” heroes in The Avengers. Iron Man, it’s sequel, the Hulk and Thor all tried to straddle both the realism and fantasy lines and that’s where they failed. When a comic book movie doesn’t choose a type, it never settles on what it wants to be and usually becomes a mess. Iron Man started as a comedy, then tried to become an action film, it never really became a comic book movie so it felt, for lack of a better term, off. The sequel decided to be a straight action film but what was happening was too out of the range of those films so nothing quite gelled. It also suffered from being crammed with too much and losing focus.

The Hulk did a great job of grounding itself in reality but that just doesn’t work with the subject matter. It should have been a total comic book fantasy, without all this pretentious human drama that seemed out of place. Thor has done the best so far but got anchored by a love story that had no place and didn’t work. The fantastic and comic book elements of Thor were great, the attempt to also include the realistic aspects fell flat. Green Lantern, well, that’s just what happens when people shit on the source material.

But I digress. Back to the review.

First off, I owe Chris Evans a huge apology. He nails the character of Steve Rogers across the board. There is no trace of the sarcastic frat boy jerk that played the Human Torch. It’s clear Evans understands the core of who Steve Rogers is, that it isn’t about the power but rather that Steve Rogers represents the best in all of us. Evans not only plays that idea perfectly, he manages to do it during the awkward scenes where it’s only his face digitally placed upon the body of a short and very skinny stand in. For those afraid the digital Chris Evans on the stand in would look silly, it’s about a 90/10 split. Most of the time its fine, but when it looks off it looks disturbingly like Steve Rogers has a broken neck..

Stanley Tucci is wonderful as Abraham Erksine, the peaceful German scientist whose super solider serum was, against his will, originally used by Nazi scientist Johann Schmidt. Schmidt’s reaction to the serum turns him into the Red Skull, a super human enemy that Erksine feels responsible for creating. Without ever saying it, Tucci lets us know that his faith in Steve Rogers comes from how well he knows true evil that he can know just as well true good. It makes Steve Rogers commitment to always doing the right thing that much more believable. When Evans becomes Captain America he remains the good man he was before the serum, one who is ill at ease with his new powers. His journey from that man to the hero he will become is not only charming and funny, but also allows a nod to the cover of Captain America #1.

Some were nervous that Rockateer director Joe Johnston wouldn’t be able to pull off Captain America. I’ll admit, I was nervous to, but Johnston has made a beautiful ode to not only the hero but also Golden Age comics. Johnston understands that he’s doing the fantasy comic book movie and he never loses that tone. The film is shot like an old 40s war film combined with a fantasy comic book element. The previews for Captain America have drawn some fire for the action sequences. When Cap jumps or hits a bad guy it looks over-the-top, as if all done with wires. Within the context of the film it works perfectly and allows us all to know we’re watching a comic book come to life.

One of the best decisions Johnston makes is to play down the love interest. There is romance here but it’s kept to the side, making the end that much more tragic. Actress Hayley Atwell (as Peggy Carter) and Chris Evans do a great job of keeping their feelings just under the surface. Coupled with some nice touches from Joe Johnston, the relationship feels real but never gets in the way of the story. I was particularly pleased that Johnston and the screenwriters chose to have Peggy Carter really begin to feel something for Steve Rogers when he was still small and puny. It added a depth to her character that all the exposition in the world couldn’t have mustered.

The real secret weapon in Captain America is Hugo Weaving as the Red Skull. Trying to create a scary villain that feels like a real threat is difficult in a film with such an old school vibe. We live in an era of Saw and Silence Of The Lambs, so something like the Red Skull is hard pressed to be truly scary. Weaving accomplishes this by letting it all hang out in his performance. His Red Skull is so off balance and insane with power that you’re never sure what his next move is. Weaving is so good here that he makes the Red Skull a formidable villain without any real violence. Sure he’s going to destroy the world, but he’s using the power of the Cosmic Cube, which is scary but only in a very comic book way. It’s the complete dedication to the story that makes Hugo Weaving’s Red Skull so wonderful.

The rest of the cast is also first rate. Tommy Lee Jones is perfect as Colonel Chester Philips, the military leader that directs Captain America. Dominic Cooper’s Howard Stark is something people should really pay attention to. Cooper does some small things that mimic Robert Downey JR’s Tony Stark. You can see the father and son trait between them. Toby Jones holds his own against Hugo Weaving as Dr. Arnim Zola, The Skulls’ head scientist and even manages to steal some scenes.

Aside from the cast, the real power to how good Captain America is comes from the respect the filmmakers have for the source material. Everything you need to make a successful comic book film is within the pages of the comics themselves. When you stray from that, the movie is always off; it always fails to capture what makes these characters last for generations. Don’t get me wrong, there are changes to the original story in Captain America, but none of them disrespect the source material. Much as having The Joker in Dark Knight wear make-up instead of being burned to look like a clown, Joe Johnston makes several little tweaks so that the story is more palatable to a mass audience and the story flows easier. None of what he does feels like it couldn’t have actually been in the comic originally. Johnston with his direction and Evans with his acting maintain the source material’s integrity and that is what has Captain America standing head and shoulders above the competition.

For comic book geeks like myself, there are lots of little bonuses. For instance we get Dum Dum Dugan, Gabe Jones and Jim Morita. If you’re paying attention there is a funny nod to Evans’ turn as the Human Torch and the big Iron Man 2 Starkfest scene when Tony flies down to the dancing girls. I was impressed with how the story stayed true to the forties era war film vibe, but never lost sight of being part of a bigger picture. When Captain America wakes up in the modern age, it fits right in with the rest of the films. I was concerned when Evans’ Cap met Samuel Jackson’s Nick Fury it wouldn’t gel, but it does. Part of that is how Captain America opens; it’s a smart move that sets the tone for the end as well.

Everything isn’t perfect with Captain America, there is one glaring issue that will have purists bitching and moaning. Bucky Barnes. The story of Caps’ right hand man is completely different than the comic. To start, Bucky is a friend of Steve Rogers pre-Captain America, one who often comes to the rescue of Rogers when he’s getting beaten up.

SPOILER ALERT!!

Probably the biggest problem with the whole Bucky subplot is how he dies. It just sort of happens, and a little too quickly. Anybody expecting to see Bucky in a mask fighting by Caps’ side will be sorely disappointed, especially with the death. I will say that where the death happens could, in a comic book way, give rise to the Winter Soldier, but that’s a really outside chance. The Bucky problem isn’t huge, but the fact that the rest of the movie is so good makes it stick out like a sore thumb. The post credits Avengers trailer does a lot with a little. It generates some real excitement for the movie without showing much at all.

Captain America is one of the best surprises of the entire lot of superhero movies. I went into this film expecting to feel the same blind hatred I did when I left Green Lantern. Instead I found a movie that had me cheering, rooting for the hero and feeling like I was thirteen years old again. As the comic movie genre goes forward, I think directors and writers will look to the Dark Knight and Captain America to figure out which style of movie they want to make and how to make it. Both are prime examples of how comic book movies should always be handled.

GREEN LANTERN--MY REVIEW

The opening credits to Green Lantern list four writers responsible for the film. I believe that because there are four films going on here and none of them have anything to do with the other. There’s a Lifetime movie-of-the-week romance where the complete lack of chemistry between the two leads is okay because we’ll just believe what they say because they said it.

The second is a clunky and badly paced action film. The third film is a spectacle of a visual effects film with zero substance and the fourth a pieces and parts movie about uninteresting characters doing nothing of interest. So, what happened with Green Lantern that’s made it a three hundred million dollar mess?

Before getting into that, let me explain the film for those unaware. Ryan Reynolds plays sarcastic and flippant Air Force pilot Hal Jordan. Jordan receives a ring from a dying alien named Abin Sur and becomes part of the Green Lantern Corps, an ancient cosmic police force. Abin Sur had been mortally wounded fleeing Parallax, the power of fear possessed by one of the Guardians, an ancient race that oversees the Green Lantern Corps.

After giving the ring to Jordan the dead Sur is taken to a military base and examined by Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) a mild-mannered scientist with serious daddy issues. Hammond gets infected by the bits of Parallax left in Abin Sur’s wound and becomes possessed, creating a psychic link with Parallax who is out to destroy the world. Ok, so again I ask. Why is this movie such a mess?

Let’s start with the bad romance. The main culprit here is Blake Lively as Carol Ferris. I think we need to add how this Gossip Girl “actress” got the part to the Riddle Of The Sphinx, the success of Glee, Vanna White becoming famous and all the other great mysteries out there. Lively has exactly zero screen presence or acting ability. Her eyes are absolutely dead and she’s clearly there to look good in tight dresses.

When lively is angry you can tell because her voice goes a little higher, when she’s sad you can tell because her voice gets weepy and her eyes open wider, etc, etc. There was truer emoting from Number 5 in Short Circuit than Ms. Lively. Ryan Reynolds (as Hal Jordan) is not a very good actor but he can handle romantic scenes (rom-coms are his staple) so the complete lack of chemistry is all on the female side.

The clunky and badly paced action film is the fault of director Martin Campbell. It’s surprising because, while far from perfect, Campbell is usually a more competent director than this. Action works when there’s a build up to the action scenes. If you want a perfect idea of an action scene watch Superman rescue Lois Lane from the helicopter wreck in Richard Donner’s original film. Green Lantern has no build up, ever. The action scenes just happen, they kind of vomit out there and end up looking great but having no real excitement. Once the spectacle of the action is over there’s just another scene, it’s a lack of build up and then an anticlimactic let down. It doesn’t bode well for an action superhero movie to be boring.

Besides the lack of build up, the action also manages to discredit the continuity of the film itself. After receiving the ring Hal flies to OA, the planet of the Green Lanterns, to receive his training. There is a fifteen minute training scene where Hal is told by Green Lantern super solider Sinestro that’s he’s unworthy of the ring and he’s beaten to hell by Killawog, the training instructor for the Lanterns. This sets up that Jordan is going to have to strengthen his focus and overcome his fear to really be effective as a Green Lantern. This theme remains throughout the film yet whenever the action scenes come, Jordan is a master of the ring, wielding the power as if he’s had it for years. It completely derails the emotional core of the movie.

The special effects movie with no substance lands squarely at the feet of the writers and Ryan Reynolds. The character of Hal Jordan is sarcastic and childish but he also has depth and stoic sense of pride and honor. Reynolds can do the sarcastic but that’s about it. The boyish charm that makes Reynolds a cash cow in the world of romantic comedies isn’t enough to carry him through here. His Hal Jordan never rises above the sarcastic insincerity so we never believe Jordan has learned anything.

In one particularly gruesome scene, Jordan goes before the Guardians to plead for his planet. It’s supposed to be a pivotal scene in the film, the one where we see Hal Jordan finally accept the burden and responsibility of being a Green Lantern. Instead it feels like a kid begging the dean of students not to revoke the frat charter because of the kegger the night before.

On the script side, the writers never figure out exactly what to do with the other Green Lanterns. It reads as if the writers got overly excited at the possibility for amazing special effects so they just wrote in scenes they wanted to see. The other Green Lanterns come and go, mostly as plot devices to get the exposition across. In actuality they serve no other purpose besides to explain things. Instead of a solid script where discovery is made throughout the film, Green Lantern just brings in various characters to explain what’s going on and hides that cheap exposition behind big effects.

The fourth film is the mess of what the other characters are doing. There’s Hal’s best friend, who serves no purpose other than badly written comic relief. We have the wasted Peter Sarsgaard as Hector Hammond. Sarsgaard does the best with what he has and proves how good an actor he is by rising above bad dialog that’s so cliché and silly I kept expecting Hammond to twist a fake mustache and laugh maniacally.

Let me be clear here, Sarsgaard is very good but he has zero to work with. At no point does the script make him a real threat or a credible villain. The final waste is Tim Robbins and Angela Bassett who are given parts and dialog better left to dinner theater. Everybody here just moves around, lost in a bad script and mediocre direction. The only other person who is effective here is Mark Strong as Sinestro. He nails the character across the board, even with the awful lines he’s expected to deliver.

Green Lantern also has no 2nd half. The first half sets up all of these roads that never go anywhere. We’re given this long pre-amble about how Jordan must focus and train but then suddenly Parallax shows up and Jordan has no problem kicking his ass. The end of the movie comes so quickly there’s not even a real battle, just some lofty special effects and an ending. What’s particularly troubling is the lack of basic structure. Mid-way through the film Hal Jordan isn’t very good at being a Lantern and the best Lantern warriors are picked off by Parallax like so much dandruff. When Parallax finally reaches earth, suddenly Jordan is the greatest Green Lantern ever. Really? Way to ignore basic plot progression structure guys.

These are the problems simply from a film perspective; I’ve ignored the massive liberties the film took with actual Green Lantern lore. Having been an avid reader of Green Lantern for over twenty years I was shocked by the complete lack of respect for the source material. The rumor on the farm is that this movie is a make or break for continued DC films, if it fails, then there might not be anymore after the next Batman. If this is the quality we can expect from DC and Warner Brothers, then that might be a good thing.

X-Men: First Class--My Review

As I walked out of X-Men: First Class I kept saying to myself “It would’ve been great if this had been good”. I don’t say that to infer the movie is bad, it isn’t bad, it just isn’t good. With so many elements going for it, and so many things that could’ve gone for it, watching X-Men First Class fall beneath it’s own weight is more sad then upsetting. This isn’t some glorified summer comic book film that just looks for the big effects and movie tie-ins. The people here seem like they were attempting to make a great film, it just didn’t come together at all.

To use a metaphor, X-Men First Class is like a gorgeous mirror with a several cracks in it. At first they seem insignificant but combined they shatter the glass and ruin the mirror. The first crack in the film is the length. This movie is easily half an hour too long and that extra thirty minutes drags so badly by the time you get to the final battle, you just want it to be over. Making a comic book movie is a fine line between story and action. In a comic book 2/3 story and 1/3 action work fine, on screen it only does if the story is strong. The story in X-Men: First Class isn’t strong enough to withstand the long bits between action.

The length of the film is made worse by the second big crack, which is pacing. Director Matthew Vaughn does not know how to pace a film. If you’re going to cram a lot into a story, you’d better have Christopher Nolan or younger Steve Spielberg chops at storytelling. Vaughn doesn’t, and it shows in the pacing. Scenes that should be short and sweet drag on for too long, plot points turn for no reason and other parts just rush into nothing. There’s also too much set up and not enough delivery. Part of this crack splinters off into the editing, which feels like it was done with a machete. The film is constantly jumping from place to place to place; you never have time to get settled. When the editor does settle you in, it’s for entirely too long. Imagine running as fast as you can for bursts of thirty seconds and then slowly jogging for twenty minutes and then doing it again over and over. Annoying doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Another massive crack is the script, which can never decide what it wants to be. Granted part of that is how Matthew Vaughn directed the film, but this script is patchwork that it never gels. Everything is a way to get to the next thing, there’s no sense of story arc at all. When the new mutants (no pun intended) are brought into the fold by Professor X, it’s a quick jump from mutant to mutant. We never get to know anybody; thusly we don’t care about them. For instance, when Angel (not the original Angel butAngel Salvadore known also as Tempest) turns against her new mutant buddies to join up with Sebastian Shaw (played by Kevin Bacon) you don’t care. Why? Because you never got to know her, you have no idea who she is. Her turn is more of a plot device than anything else.

I think the script suffers as well from trying too hard to not be a typical comic book movie. Again it’s a fine line that not everybody can walk. In the Dark Knight, we got a good old-fashioned criminal caper flick only instead of Al Capone and Elliot Ness we had The Joker and Batman. It worked; the story was good enough to support itself. Here the attempt at political intrigue is just boring and slow. I think centering the whole of X-Men First Class on the Cuban Missile Crisis was an error in judgment. When a film tries to hard you can feel it trying to hard and that makes it difficult to watch.

The pacing problems align with the script during the third act. We’re set up for this climactic event that’s suddenly put on hold for a long-winded Rocky-style training scene for the X-Men. It comes out of nowhere and is so incredibly melodramatic it’s laughable. The final battle also feels like nothing but a trigger for Magneto. During the film Magneto is pretty much on the side of the Xavier’s team and by the end of the film there’s no reason for him to become Magneto. A great script would have left that alone, trusting that the next film could delve deeper into Magneto’s turn. This being a mediocre script suddenly the Russians and the Americans, who witnessed the mutants save the world, decide to unite and kill them. Out of nowhere, for no reason other than to piss Magneto off so he would turn into a villain.

The script also has a problem figuring out if it wants to be its own film or part of the franchise. There are cute little nods to the other three X-Men films but then the movie shreds the continuity of other parts of those same films. For example, In X-Men 3 Xavier and Magneto are still friends in their late forties, here they part ways in their twenties. I was also left wondering why the filmmakers chose the newer crop of mutants. None of them are very compelling, their powers are fairly feeble, so why not have Cyclops, Angel, Jean Gray, and Iceman join Beast instead of second stringers? I also hated the way they crippled Professor X, it was stupid and an unnecessary departure from the original story. Same with making Sebastian Shaw a Nazi sympathizer that kills Magneto’s mother. Shaw would’ve made a spectacular villain on his own merits, why weave him into something that never happened. I also don’t like when scripts force every little fan boy detail into the story and this one does it in spades, especially the final scene between Moira and Xavier.

The final crack is the acting, which is either sub-par or phoned in. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender as Professor X and Magneto are brilliant, they shine incredibly bright and do the same justice to the characters that Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen did. The rest of the cast is just limp. The young X-Men have no personality, no charisma; they feel more like the cast of a bad teen drama. The more seasoned actors, like Kevin Bacon and Oliver Platt just phone their parts in, as if they needed the check or just wanted to be associated with something young and hip.

Oddly, in the opening scene with Kevin Bacon, he’s wonderfully mean and cruel, a true villain. For the remainder of the movie he’s smarmy and flippant, like a grown up version of Ed Westwick’s character on Gossip Girls. I also have to question the casting of January Jones as Emma Frost. Jones must fuck like a demon or she’s able to suck the chrome off a bumper because outside of that I see no reason that she was cast for this role. Jones has a slamming body but is in no way pretty enough to be Emma Frost, not to mention she is now the heavy weight champion of one note acting.

I know it seems like I hated X-Men First Class, but I didn’t. There are things here that work, elements I really enjoyed. The idea of a more realistic mutant film, the muted style that really stands out against the shock and awe of something like Thor or Iron Man, the tone of the film, I liked all of those things. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to rescue the movie from the massive cracks it has, but I do give it an A for effort. One day Hollywood will understand all the aspects of the evolution of a great comic book movie. For now though, X-Men First Class is a failed mutation.

THOR-My Review

Thor was never going to be an easy movie to make. Unlike Iron Man, Batman, or The Incredible Hulk, Thor is a movie that takes place in two worlds. The fabled city of Asgard on one side and Earth on the other. From the outset director Kenneth Branagh had his work cut out for him and as Thor took shape, I became nervous. I wasn’t sold on the casting of Anthony Hopkins as Odin and I had zero desire to watch Chris Hemsworth botch the role of Thor. It seemed that the entire project would be just another stepping stone to the big Avengers film due in 2012. That didn’t happen, well, not entirely.

Thor is a mess, but an entertaining mess. The problems with the film come mainly from a lack of focus in the script and time spent in the wrong world. The story is simple. At the beginning Thor is an arrogant brute who starts a war with the Frost Giants for no real reason. His actions raise the ire of his father Odin who casts Thor and his hammer Mjöllnir out of Asgard, dumping both on Earth. It’s in the Earth realm that Thor learns humility and how to be a great king. If the script had stayed as simple as the idea, Thor might have been the best superhero movie since Dark Knight. Instead Thor becomes mired in Hollywood clichés and pacing problems.

The beginning of the film is flawless. Branagh knows how to direct an epic. The battles, staging, and direction of the Asgard opener are perfect comic book fare with a real respect for the source material. My initial fears of Hopkins and Hemsworth were quickly relieved. Hopkins is actually quite convincing as the all father Odin and Hemsworth knocks Thor out of the park. I wanted to hate him in the part but I just couldn’t. Not only does he nail the God Like swagger of Thor, but he also makes the Thor costume look really cool. The Frost Giants are well executed, as is the opening battle. Once Thor is banished to Earth the films problems begin.

When Thor gets to Earth he meets Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and her little crew of scientists. In the comics Jane Foster is the nurse girlfriend of Donald Blake, the man who can summon Thor by smashing his cane to the ground. For the film Jane Foster is no longer a nurse but an astrophysicist studying something that changes every time the plot needs it to. To be honest they never really explain what it is she’s doing or why her team is stationed in a small town in New Mexico.

Naturally a romance blossoms between Foster and Thor, one that helps teach Thor about humility. Portman is awful in this role. Calling her performance one-note is an insult to all the one-note actresses out there. There is zero chemistry between her and Hemsworth, absolutely nothing outside of the forced romance to move the plot along. Then there’s Kat Dennings as Brandy, the plucky comic relief, who utters things like “He was freaking me out” and takes pictures of Thor for Facebook. Brandy is so unnecessary and annoying I was rooting for her to die first. Stellan Skarsgard is wasted as the father-figure scientist who has absolutely nothing to do.

The Earth stuff fails to connect because it never rises above plot devices used to get from point A to point B. Thor’s relationship with Jane Foster and her band of merry scientists goes nowhere. The audience is supposed to buy that Thor is learning humility from this relationship but there’s no connection with the characters so you never become invested in it. The same can be said for the small town that Thor tries to lay his life down to save. The thunder god never interacts with the town so when he fights for it, it rings false. If Thor had become part of the town, learning little lessons about compassion and humanity from every citizen, the battle for the town would have had a greater impact.

Another glaring problem with the Earth section is the arrival of S.H.I.E.L.D. When Mjöllnir crash lands, it embeds itself into the Earth and only one who is worthy can remove it. A bunch of rednecks find it and a tailgate party emerges involving drunken yahoos attempting to remove the hammer. At one point Stan Lee tries to do pull Mjöllnir from the Earth with a truck, failing miserably. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives and tells them all it’s a satellite crash and everybody agrees and clears out. Nobody says, “Um, but it’s a hammer.” Essentially S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives so Thor can learn the location of his hammer and, when he can’t pull it from the ground, falls to his knees humbled. It also gave a nice arena to debut the character of Hawkeye. Like I said, everything happens just to move the story along.

What saves Thor is the action in Asgard and performances of the Asgard cast. I was particularly impressed with Tom Hiddleston as Loki. His performance is layered enough to actually elicit sympathy, even in the middle of his dastardly deeds. Thor’s crew of warriors also plays their parts with an eye towards restraint. For instance Jamie Alexander ‘s portrayal of Sif never panders to blatant sexuality. It’s obvious she’s beautiful, but Alexander never gives any “go girl” looks or “come hither” stares. That decision allows her character’s warrior status to be believable. All of Thor’s crew manage to, for lack of a better term, humanize their parts There was a lot of trepidation about Idris Elba portraying Heimdall, but rest assured, he is awesome.

Anybody who is excited to stay after the credits for the big scene that leads into The Avengers, skip it. It’s true that it contains the Cosmic Cube and a nice set up for the Avengers movie, but it’s really nothing you can’t read about or wait to see on line. For comic book fans, pay attention to a billboard in the small town for a cool nod to the first comic book appearance of Thor

Essentially Thor suffers from the same thing most of Marvel’s recent comic movies do, lack of a 2nd act. Iron Man and Hulk both started and ended with a bang but sagged in the middle. I know this will bring some boos from the gallery, but I enjoyed Thor much more than I did either of the Iron Man films. Both had pacing issues, both had action that saved the films and both had plot points that sucked. With Thor, at least to me, there was somebody to root for. Hemsworth’s thunder god is sympathetic, even charming. Where Robert Downey JR was mainly a smarmy, egotistical dick, Hemsworth’s Thor comes across as an actual hero.

Is Thor a perfect comic book movie? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes

I CAST YOU OUT (My Problems With Thor)

I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE MOVIE, BUT A MAN CAN DREAM

Recently, in the never ending quest to shill shit through a beloved character, 7-Eleven put together a big behind the scenes trailer for the new Thor movie. I've watched it a few times and come up with some frame-by-frame issues I have with the entire flick. I figure rather than just ramble on about it, I'd use this for some structure. Here's the trailer:





Now, here are my problems with it, scene-by-scene


Why does Asgard look like Vegas? There's more gaudy gold here than in any of Liberace's wet dreams.


Way to make Odin, the kind of the god, look like a feeble old man forced by his kids to play dress up. I kept waiting for him to ask for soft yogurt or pudding.


Apparently Odin doesn't so much strip Thor of his power as he demagnetizes him. I was also curious why he casts him out wearing clothes from The Gap.


First off, Kenneth Branagh looks old. Secondly, who the fuck cares what the producer has to say? This is the same dick who walks through Comicon on his cellphone with a new Thor t-shirt on that his assistant bought him. The type that relies on terms like "Richness of the characters" or "True to the source material" to mask the fact that he doesn't know shit about the character.


Did Natalie Portman just says Thor was from another planet? Actually looking at the scenes that follow during the producer's sloppy blowjob on the set designer, Asgard looks a lot like Naboo from Star Wars Episode I (aka rape my childhood). So did this "brilliant" designer just lift Naboo and decide to make it look like a Vegas theme park? Was it Natalie's idea?


Natalie Portman has never been to the desert?


Nothing like a guy from another country pontificating on the charm of a small country town. It's like when Americans go overseas and refer to everybody as foreigners.


Wow, you built a town. Clearly from this we can garner that you know a lot about the character and the history behind him. I mean you can't install fake computers into a fake town unless you've read a lot about Thor.


I want to introduce Jamie Alexander to my hammer...ohh yeeaaaahhhhhh


I do love that after a full minute of prattling on about the set and the explosions and the visuals, Kenneth tries to talk about focusing on the human dynamic and the passion, which is a Hollywood way of saying unnecessary love interest.


Why does Thor always look constipated?


Did we really need the Reservoir Dogs/Armageddon tough guy walk scene with the gods? Why is Loki looking at the jewel from Jewel Of The Nile?


Why is Heimdall black? I didn't realize Norse Gods had an overabundance of black folks in their ranks. Not to mention he's NOT black in the comics. Guess if it works for the Kingpin and Nick Fury, it'll work here.


I do like the ending WWE move from Thor.


So that's it. It seems like this movie is all about the effects and the visuals because nobody here knows anything about Thor. The guy they go to play him is all wrong, but that may only be because Thor shouldn't be brought to life.

Ok, This Kind Of Amps Me For The Avengers

As anybody knows I am not a fan of the upcoming Avengers movie. I think Chris Evans is a horrible choice for Captain America, I'm not 100% sold on the Thor movie and I've never thought Iron Man was any great shakes. That being said, this fan trailer pumps me up for what the Avengers movie could be but probably won't.

You Got Michael Cera In My Keanu Reeves!!!

I know, it's blasphemous but I didn't like the Matrix, never have and I never will. People got so amped up by the super original plot but if you really look at it The Matrix is a slightly skewed version of Terminator. Machines take over, life sucks. I was also not impressed by the slow bullets and harnesses labeled by so many as the brilliant effects. Perhaps my most inflamed criticism of the movie was how even though they desperately needed Keanu Reeves to help them and to get involved Laurence Fishburne spoke to him in riddles through the entire film. I never could figure that plot point out. Anyway I got shit for not liking that and I got shit for my thoughts on Scott Pilgrim. Here they are together again!!

You Know What's Great About All The New X-Men First Class News----NOTHING!!

Recently Bryan Singer called name dropping douche bag sellout bitch film guy Harry Knowles to chat all about the super neato groovy bullshit that's going to make X-Men: The First Class good even though it doesn't have shit to do with the actual first class of the X-Men. First we learned that Kevin Bacon will play Sebastian Show the leader of the Hellfire Club. We also learned this is a Silver Age movie and that the costumes will be more comic bookish. Yep those little tidbits mean that even though Jean Grey, Cyclops, and Iceman won't be in the movie it'll be an asshole puckered good time.

Let me add a wrinkle.

Having listened to this whole run down of nifty idea I have to say FUCK YOU that I'm a little confused as to why this means anything. First off who cares who Kevin Bacon plays, secondly Sebastian Shaw and The Hellfire Club first appeared in 1980. Exactly how the FUCK does that have anything to do with the Silver Age at all? With a non Silver Age villain and X-Men who weren't confined just to Silver Age how exactly is this a silver age movie again?

Oh right, I forgot, the costumes will be nifty and more comic bookish. Well sew my cock and sprinkle my ass with butter I'm sold. A total lack of understanding of the characters, involvement in a Silver Age movie by mostly non-Silver Age heroes and being directed by the hack bitch who gave us Kick Ass---that can all be undone by cool ass costumes. Case closed, this one is gonna ROCK!!!

As for Bryan Singer being involved I understand completely that I am in the minority here. I felt the first X-Men was boring as shit and the second one was okay at best. I realize I'm one of the few people on planet Earth that doesn't grab the KY and start jerking when those movies are mentioned but I'm not so having Bryan Singer involved doesn't mean anything. Plus he's not directing, he's producing, which doesn't mean much.

If they wanted to have a Silver Age X-Men movie then why not have it with the Silver Age X-Men and their villains and so on. Why go this ridiculous route of cramming this full of shit to market and then try to sell it as a Silver Age movie. Much like the Spider-Man reboot, Thor, Captain America and the upcoming Avengers, this is a movie be design, something built by bean counters, a marketing team and the Research And Development people. It's another in a long line of superhero movies done by committee.

Apparently Mephisto Is Directing The Spider-Man Reboot

I only say that because according to sources deep within the bloody, puss filled womb of Hollywood say that Peter Parker's love interest in the upcoming Spider-Man waste of fucking time movie reboots won't be Mary Jane. The only way this will work is if the filmmakers step up and make her Gwen Stacey even though I Gwen Stacey wasn't really in Peter's High School days. Perhaps it'll tie in with X-Men: First Class which also has nothing to do with that which it says it does.

The casting for the coveted "love interest" part has been a cavalcade of people nobody knows or gives a shit about. Teresa Palmer (The Sorcerers Apprentice), Emma Roberts (Scream 4), Imogen Poots (???) and a bunch of others have read with Andrew Garfield the boy and incredibly WRONG casting choice playing Peter Parker/Spider-Man in the reboot. I think it'd be cool if they never did this eliminated the whole love thing. Sure introduce the female characters but let Spider-Man just be an action film for once.

Xavier's Community College For Gifted Youngster

Apparently in the new ass pumping shit storm of Hollywood afterbirth X-Men movie X-MEN: fuck you fans THE FIRST CLASS the one big change is that there will be open enrollment, much like the community college I now attend. See in my understanding of the X-Men series (and really who the fuck am I besides a 30 year deep comic reader) Professor X originally only had certain people involved in order to keep the secret. Angel, Iceman, Jean Grey, Cyclops and Beast. The rest of the onslaught were brought in later when times got tough.

Well HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and BEND OVER fans because the movie has every fucker you'd want dancing around in what was supposed to be the "beginning" of the X-Men. Here's the newest honor roll:

• January Jones as Emma Frost
• Zoe Kravitz as Angel (Don't know about that, wasn't Angel a guy?)
• Jason Flemyng as Azazel
• Michael Fassbender as Magneto
• James McAvoy as Professor X
• Nicholas Hoult as Beast
• Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique
• Caleb Landry Jones as Banshee
• Lucas Till as Havoc
• Edi Gathegi as Darwin (Uh, who?)
• Rose Byrne as Moira MacTaggert
• Kevin Bacon as most likely Mr. Sinister
• Oliver Platt as the "Man in Black"

I am hoping that perhaps they might just consider casting Cyclops, Jean Grey and Iceman sometime SOON since they were actually there for the beginning. Does anybody care about any of this shit or am I spinning my wheels for no goddamn reason?

I hate everything

SECRET ORIGINS: THE STORY OF DC COMICS TRAILER

I don't know how much you'll actually learn about DC and some of the shady shit they've done in the past in this documentary but it still looks cool. It's not out until November 9th but DC has released a trailer. Dig it.

SUPERMAN/BATMAN APOCALYPSE TRAILER

I'm about as done as I can be with the whole DC Animated let's-rehash-shit ideal. There are so many cool ideas and titles that get cut or canceled so what? So that they can keep giving us Superman/Batman titles? I don't like this story mainly because it's Jeph Loeb and he has done far more damage than his run on The Long Halloween or Superman For All Seasons can forgive. Don't believe me? Check both his craptastic run on Wolverine and how he ruined The Hulk for proof.

In this movie Apocalypse decides to get back at Superman through the newly discovered Supergirl. From the look of the Supergirl costume when she's under the Apocalypse spell it seems his great and evil plan is Space Pimping. I have no interest in seeing this even with my great crush Summer Glau performing the voice. DC released a trailer, here it is.



Superman/Batman Apocalypse hits on September 28th.

Hey Kids Here's ANOTHER Reason To Hate The Green Lantern Movie

Sometimes being right sucks ass, sometimes it just isn't enough to know you called something from the word go but I am and I did. From the second Ryan Reynolds was cast as Green Lantern I said this movie was going to be fucking horrible. The next move, showing us the Disco Inferno Green Lantern costume, proved even further I was right and now, now they've really done it. Check out the first image of Killawog from the new movie.



Um, what the fuck is that? I've been reading Green Lantern pushing up on twenty years now and this deformed mutant thing that looks like some kind of abortion had by Falcor from The Neverending Story doesn't look anything like Kilawog. Awesome now they've gone and fucked up one of the key characters to Green Lantern. Kilawog is hardcore tough guy drill sergeant not some wide eyed cutesy character. Thanks Hollywood, thanks for the fresh ass filled with worm infested Sata jizz. God I fucking hate you people.

Leave my stuff alone, go fuck with somebody elses stuff. Do more 3D dance movies, relationship films, let Drew Barrymore say "magical" and whine and bitch in some romance film, but leave my stuff the fuck alone. You don't get it, you don't understand it, you just fucking make it worse.

I hate everything

Top Ten Things I Love About THE AVENGERS Trailer

Here's An AVENGERS movie I'd see.


So after holding onto it like virginity on prom night the Hollywood slime factory finally released the completely banal Avengers trailer. Nothing happens in this trailer, nothing at all. I don't mean kinda nothing or there's not a lot of action I mean fucking NOTHING. Releasing this is like promising a kid a dog for Christmas and then letting the kid find out he's not getting one because the parents forgot to take the dog toys and bowls out from under the tree. Yeah my parents did that to me and it sucks ass. In the spirit of fairness I really analyzed this trailer and found ten things I love about it. Here's the trailer.




10. Avengers is spelled correctly.

09. Robert Downey JR's smug cunt face isn't in it.

08. That "A"...wow that "A" is pretty nifty

07. It's black and black goes with everything

06. Sam Jackson does Sam Jackson, I was afraid if he stretched his acting beyond redoing Jules from Pulp Fiction again and again the Earth would crack in half.

05. The Avengers name spins around, very cool.

04. The wrongly cast guy from Captain America ain't in it.

03. The guy who looks too bored to be Thor ain't in it.

02. There was no cum shot

01. There's no release date on it so maybe these fuckers will give on this godforsaken abortion now.

Could This Be A Reason DC Animated Is Failing?

I figured this is better then an ad for the movie AND she plays Supergirl


On the DVD for Batman Under The Red Hood there was a ten or so minute mini-documentary on the upcoming Superman/Batman Apocalypse movie. Now I'm as big a fan of the "A" man as anybody and I'm also amped whenever Kevin Conroy works as Batman's voice but seriously, another fucking Jeph Loeb story? Seriously, I mean Christ even producer Bruce Timm looks ambivalent to this and longtime animated guru of awesome Andrea Romano is trying to sell it way too hard. Here's little documentary thing.