Well it's time again folks for that little slice of life that shows us why most celebrities aren't worth the paper they are printed on. I'm guessing that we as a culture unconsciously manifest all of our worst traits and ideals on famous folks because MY GOD do they act like self-deserving cunts. I always wait for the week that there won't be anything cuntalicious to report and every week there is. OK, let's get this shitstorm started.
CHANGING MINDS ABOUT ABORTION ALL OVER THE WORLD
If ever there were two prime candidates for the Steel Cage Death Match it's these two talentless self important bags of smelly dead rotting bull testicles. In the SCDM these two would have to fight to the death and the winner gets to be killed. Apparently Russell Brand a man who is so unfunny it's like taking a shit filled with sharp rocks in it just to listen to him tell a joke is dating Katy Perry. I guess he figures looking like Bigfoot from Bigfoot and Wild Boy makes him funny but all it does is make him look like Cousin It's cocaine and heroine addicted stepson. I'd hand this idiot a bar of soap but unless it was made of little girl vagina laced in meth he wouldn't use it.
Perry herself is a curious enigma simply because I think she's supposed to be a pop singer but so far she's just been a bouncing pair of alabaster breasts creating an imaginary target for flying teenage boy semen around the world. I asked like six different people if they knew who she was and only one guy said singer. The rest either thought she was a Burning Angel girl or the next Carmen Electra in that she was a pretty girl that rode celebrity cock to stay famous.
Regardless both of these vapid douche bags have found each other which means a melee of vinegar smells and flopping breasts to follow. I'm glad these two found each other because existing with half a brain and soul is hard to do. Now they can be one complete cunt instead of two halves of one.
WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF A HAS BEEN AND A NEVER WAS!!
Apparently hack director Guy Ritchie called Madonna "retarded" in a recent interview, which is all fine and good because realistically these two testaments of a forgotten age deserve each other. They should never have gotten divorced because, well, since they have Madonna has started melting and Ritchie has kept himself busy taking brilliant pieces of literature and turning them into action shitshows so Robert "EGO" Downey JR can pretend he actually matters.
I guess I love this story because both of them are such sad cases to watch spiral into nothing. Madonna used to be this big sex kitten type but her complete fear that the Grim Reaper is starting to plot his bus route to her door has forced her to work out waaaay too much and plastic surgery herself until she looks like a weird mutant creature from Star Trek The Next Generation. Did you see her dancing with Justin Timberlake in that video? It was so sad, like your buddy's drunken mother trying to hit on you.
As for Ritchie I never understood this guy ever. His movies were all bad Quentin Tarantino rip offs (which is saying something) with British accents. He always seemed so preoccupied with being cool he never actually directed a good movie. Now he's trying to make a comeback with Sherlock Holmes which I personally hope fails miserably mainly because they've fucked up the whole character so Richie can be cool again.
These two sad "retards" deserve each other.
LET ME BE YOUR MEAT PIE OF LOVE...
So super awesome good guy Kevin Federline has not only increased his appetite for snacks but also destruction (get it...appetite for destruction!! GOD DAMN i'm fucking funny) and now he's getting sued. Apparently his rented home in Tarzana California was left nearly destroyed and old Kevy Kev vanished with six months left on his lease. The house was torn apart, gutters ripped out, broken lights, bent light posts, broken dishwasher, etc. Now Kev is on the hook for $110,000 bucks.
See to me this is grossly unfair because it wasn't his fault. Obviously what happened was one of his pets snuck off with the last couple of Ho-Hos and hid them somewhere. After a lengthy workout of trying to ooze his Double Wide Charm (a term that works on two different levels) on unsuspecting 60 year old rich widows who need cock even if it is fat ex-back up dancer cock, Kevy Kev came back to no Ho-Hos and had to find them. In his desperate search a few unnecessary things were broken and now these damn asshole landlords want money for something that was clearly the cat's fault. Hang in there Kev a new day is dawning.
PS I also loved that he turned a room into a studio without permission, why? Was he hoping for another rap album to go Copper? Kevy Kev with a home studio is like Rush Limbaugh with a home gym or George Bush with a soul....it serves no purpose.
WHO LET THE DOG OUT?
OK I saved this raging shitbag for last because my venom for him is pure and never ending. For those who don't know this cunt is Michael Vick the football player that was arrested and sent to jail for having dog fights in his basement. Yep, dogs had to die so this shitbag and his loser friends could get their penises all hard at the type of carnage they can't get on the football field. It wasn't enough to jump on grown muscle men with pads and rub against them and dominate them in order to get the "ball out of their hands"...oh no. Vick needed real death and destruction so he could show how much of a fucking MAN he is and nothing says that like killing dogs.
After this waste of sperm was released the world relented in horror when he was signed to the Eagles to play football again. I didn't really get too upset because the ever devolving cesspool of humanity never surprises me. Who cares if this raging shitheel killed dogs, he could make us some quick money so throw a uniform on him and get him back out on the field.
As if that wasn't bad enough now comes proof not only that there is no God but that Satan has pushed the human soul in between his sweaty nutsack to dry up some old demonic ball cheese. BET is giving Vick his own reality show about the hardships he's going through. The moving masses of demonic larva covered in human skin (otherwise known as producers) are trying to say this will be a more serious show focusing on Vick's problems since his release. FUCK THAT, FUCK IT UNTIL IT BLEEDS AND DIES. I don't care how tough this cunt's life is, in fact I want to watch it get worse. This guy breaks the law, kills animals and then gets a big football contract and a TV show? Where is 2012 when you fucking NEED IT!!!
The best is that Vick says the show will be "a blueprint for teaching kids about adversity"
I will repeat that....
"A BLUEPRINT FOR TEACHING KIDS ABOUT ADVERSITY"
Well yeah, y'know, that makes sense, that's a good idea. I know all across this great land of ours, every 16 seconds or so, a child has a moral epileptic seizure and leaps from his yellow bus to try and find dogs to train into killing machines. Who hasn't held a family member close after their young boy or girl has been caught in the basement betting their Superbowl ring on pitbull fights. FUCK THIS GUY. The only show I'll watch of his is if each week he's slathered with blood and thrown into a pit to fight 25 hungry pitbulls. That's not only karma but DAMN GOOD TV!!
See you all next time.
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