SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS

Since returning to Cool Shit In The CrossHairs I've been waiting to return to one of my favorite segments; Suck My Ass It Smells. This is where I can drain all of the black oily bile that fills in my Hate Hump (think Bill hicks Camel Joke) and spew it out towards celebrities all across the nation. So without further ado let's get right to it shall we:




If You Have Small Children, a wheelchair, or are a Nazi Cunt, please board the plane now.

Oh man this whole Jesse James thing is way too sweet, I love it all, every new drop of information. I have always hated this retro scumbag asshole, mainly because I blame him for the explosion of fifties retro bullshit that now plagues the world like a cancer. Granted The Stray Cats/Brian Setzer could also be blamed but at least that guy is talented. What could Jesse James do? Oh, right, I'm sorry he could fix cars and make 'em look more fifties. I'm sorry, he's totally important and completely worth all the praise he was given during the run of his stupid show.

I mean fucking hell when you're such a dirtbag your porn star wife leaves you, that's saying something. These are women who get jizzed on for money and then have that sold to horny old men. When they feel like they're being mistreated, then some real bad shit is going down. Like, um, maybe the studly tattooed car guy they're fucking is a NAZI. I love that, a Nazi, it couldn't be more perfect. Oh no, Jesse James isn't white trash, that's just his persona, his tribute to the "real" people he so associates with. Jesse will be sure to explain all of that to you once he gets out of his Nazi uniform and puts some Ben Gay on his shoulder, all that Sieg Heil shit is murder on the arms.

I have little sympathy for Sandra Bullock because she married this asshole and she could have done way better. There was some kind of bad-girl bullshit going on there and now that she's living the life of a "bad girl" she doesn't like it. Well boofuckinghoo Sandra, you lay down with dogs you get Nazi fleas. My favorite is that over the last five years nobody cares about Jesse James anymore, at all. His star hasn't declined it's fallen straight to the center of the Earth and burned to cinders. Now that he's nobody he could've spent his entire life living in luxury, banging the reasonably hot Sandra Bullock, and spending all her money.

All he had to do was keep his nose clean. But no, not dickass, he's got such low self esteem he has to prove what a thick cock stud he is by banging cheap sluts who use him for money. Granted that Michelle "Bombshell" McGee is hot in that super slut way. She looks like she could tear your shit all up if the price is right. I mean look at her:



But still, as a guy, I have to say I'm totally confused as to retro Nazi boy's thinking. First of all McGee looks like she's probably a petrie dish of festering diseases and she can't support your dumb ass in luxury. Not only that but no matter how hot a girl is if she starts strutting around in Nazi get ups I'm OUT!! What can you expect from a guy who wears a Nazi hat, gives a Nazi salute, TAKES A PICTURE OF IT and then claims he's a history buff. That's a whole new kind of stupid.

Well Jesse, in ten years when Sandra's accepting another award and your watching from the shitty hotel you live in, dodging phone calls from Nazi women claiming their Hitler offspring belongs to you, maybe a light will click on. I don't mean you become a better person mean you take your own life in a soiled bathroom and die rotting on the floor between the toilet and the sink. Jesse James, from the bottom of my heart SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS.





I would write whole diatribe about Snooki but I think her trolling around Miami in these ridiculous $350 sunglasses says it all. So instead I'll list the top ten reactions Snooki got that day.

10. It looks like Liberace came on her eyes

09. She must've asked for glasses that make her more attractive

08. Oh look, it must be Rumspringa for Oompa Loompas.

07. Between the hat and glasses the seagulls here have incredible aim.

06. Thar be buried treeshur thar...and diseases

05. I'm not vacationing here again, to many shaved Ewoks with expensive sunglasses on

04. Some have notches in their bedpost...she's obviously more of an on the go type whore.

03. It's like a buoy with hair...and fucked up sunglasses

02. Be vewy vewy quiet, she's hunting muscle bound guidos to beat her up and steal her money.

01. Oh looks it's that no talent bitch Snooki. Let's throw used junkie needles at her.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS SNOOKI



AND FINALLY!! The most Suck My Ass It Smells thing this week. Well, again I need no diatribe. Just watch and feel the douche chills.



Hey Tiger SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS!!