Thursday, July 1, 2010
TOP 5 NEWS ITEMS I DON'T CARE ABOUT 7/1/2010
I have to tell you folks moving to Ohio has been a mutant bitch from hell. First up the gigantic raging cocksuckers at Budget Rent A Fuck started my day by not having my truck ready and then just escalated it from there. The drive was long and boring and unloading everything I own in the death heat sucked. So after all that to end the weak with some of the bullshit going down in Hollywood is a nice little treat because I can go the fuck off. So lets get started shall we.
5. THE SCREAM 4 CASTING TROUBLE
I commented on this earlier because I thought the line I came up with was fucking clever as hell but Christ on a crutch the casting problems for this stupid movie won't go away. After Lake Bell (who NAMES these kids) left then Gilmore MILF Laura Graham hit the pavement. Apparently replacements have been found and that dork who played Seth on the OC factors into it somehow.
The point really is who gives a monkey shit if everybody leaves. This film is a pathetic attempt to revitalize a franchise that ended with a serious thud. I don't know how much crying Neve and Courtney and her stupid husband did to the movie studios to get this made but fuck them and this movie. Let Courtney and Neve got at it with strap ons and the one who cums the hardest gets to kill David Arquette. That's a movie I'll give a shit about.
4. HOSTEL 3 IS COMING
Seriously? Really? There's going to be another one of these piece of shit movies? Has everybody discovered that Eli Roth can't write or direct so they're trying to cash in before the rest of humanity understands it as well? Hostel has to be the stupidest horror franchise ever, it's like Faces Of Death but with people you root for to die. Second only to Rob Zombie's asswart Halloween remakes, Hostel is a large shit on the chest of a rotting corpse once known as good horror. Let's make a movie where I get to take the time Roth owes me for seeing his shitty films out of him with a fine set of sawing tools.
3. FINAL DESTINATION 5 GETS A TITLE
And that title is 5NAL DESTINATION and woo hoo isn't that clever and hahahaha isn't it cool to make fun of it and jesus christ can somebody hand me a shotgun to curl up to and end my pain. Who fuck cares what this movie is called as long as its the last goddamn entry. How about making a movie where the title has Final in it but the films never end.
2. TWILIGHT ECLIPSE OPENS
Since I'm not a sixteen year old girl I don't give a flying hump about these movies. Oh yes, if you do or you like the books then--male or female, old or young--you are a sixteen year old girl.
1. NEW PEE WEE HERMAN MOVIE
Call me a traitor, send me to hell but I just can't raise any level of caring when I hear that Judd Apatow is making a Pee Wee Herman movie. Apatow makes decent films but not all of them are great and though Pee Wee's Big Adventure is sheer brilliance as is the Pee Wee Herman Show, the fucking Big Top Pee Wee movie sucked. It's also been so long since Paul Ruebens slid into the character it might not be good anymore. Given those two variables I just can't be allowed to give two shits at all.