SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: ARMOND WHITE

I usually reserve this section to tirade on the endless shittiness of celebrities but this time I'm calling out a critic, a pretentious, jerk weed of a human being who is so calculated, so obvious and transparent in his attempts that it angers me. See I like people who differ in opinion from me, especially those who can back it up with actual reasons. Much to people's chagrin I'm not a guy who doesn't listen, crams my ideas down people's throats or refuses to see the other side. What I can't stand are fuckers like Armond White who spouts his shit just appear "counter" to popular opinion, which to him means he's got a deeper understanding of film.

White writes (a term I use loosely) for New York Press and has been a film professor as well as the head of the New york Film Critics Circle. This isn't some idiot looking for page hits or press, he honestly tries to push his opinions off as some kind of new way to look at film. He panned Toy Story 3 for championing commercialism and yet though Transformers 2 had tremendous "visual style"

Yeah okay right there this guy can suck my ass because all you need to know Transformers 2 had no style are eyes, ears help to. The guys over at /FILM, who i respect a lot, had White on their podcast and I must say they're a nicer bunch than me. About halfway through his ridiculously self-aggrandizing comments I would've beaten him to death with a film school textbook. Here's one his choice comments about Roger Ebert.

"I do think it is fair to say that Roger Ebert destroyed film criticism. Because of the wide and far reach of television, he became an example of what a film critic does for too many people. And what he did simply was not criticism. It was simply blather. And it was a kind of purposefully dishonest enthusiasm for product, not real criticism at all…I think he does NOT have the training. I think he simply had the position. I think he does NOT have the training. I’VE got the training. And frankly, I don’t care how that sounds, but the fact is, I’ve got the training. I’m a pedigreed film critic"

Wow, sour grapes anybody? My God what a cunt. Forget that he's insulting a guy like Ebert who has not only written scripts and clearly loves movies but also has half his face missing, White just sounds like a spoiled child. "I'm better, and I deserve it and this guy is a poop head" is essentially what this rant pans out to. Plus can you dig on the self importance here? Dude you're a fucking film critic, bring it down a thousand.

Here's what spilled out of White's mouth when asked by /Film if there are other critics we should listen to.

"I’ll answer you this way: If there were a whole bunch of critics who I thought were doing a good job, then I would stop. *laughs* Because really, the reason why I do what I do is because I think there are things that need to be said about movies, about culture, about the world, that nobody’s saying. And that’s why I do what I do."

The mind reels at the sheer level of this guy's ego. Listen up cheeseball you don't offer anything to the world, none of us do. From the most "pedigreed film critic" to us dumb yokels on the internet, what we do doesn't mean dick. We dance, shit and piss on somebody's art, usually when we haven't done anything even approaching it. I think the idea of critiquing movies is awesome, it's fun and it might even help people avoid really shitty films but to make it out as though you or I or anybody else doing this is part of the greater good is laughably insane.

Listen up White, and this is from just a kooky idiot behind a computer, you're an art school cunt, a fool who isn't good enough, hates himself and tries to deflect that by pissing on things and then saying you have more of a right because you're better than everybody else. You're that sad college professor who never got published, never did anything and now spends his time moaning how he's the better man and the world should see that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a cunt towards film, music and all of that to. Christ I say outright that I'm a professional asshole. The difference is I don't take myself seriously, I understand my place in the greater universe and just how silly this all is. I pity you White, not just because you're obviously a sad little man but also because you honestly believe all of this. Plus you have shitty taste in movies.

Look at the picture, the guy even looks like a cunt.