LEGAL BATTLE FORCES NEW SUPERMAN

What do you mean I'm boring?


If you're not hip to the current issues between Warner Brothers and the estate of Superman co-creator Jerry Siegel (a beef you can read about HERE)then you probably don't know that if WB doesn't spew out a Superman movie by 2011 they lose all rights to the character. With that in mind the long delayed return to Superman has been fast tracked overnight.

According to sources nobody was happy with Superman Returns (which I understand though I didn't think it was awful) so this film will be a complete re-boot. The studio sees Superman Returns as a bookend to the Richard Donner movies so they won't be asking Brandon Routh back to reprise his role as the Man Of Steel and between the fallout from the project and Bryan Singer begging for his X-Men job back he won't be returning either.

From what I understand the Wachowski Brothers (or brother & sister) are trying to pitch an idea with the director of their new film Ninja Assassin (check trailer below) to helm. As usual Hollywood is going about this the wrong way because that's all they know how to fucking do.

Superman Returns was chock full of ego and mistakes. The budget was too big, the casting (for everybody except Superman I felt) was way off and the fact that it was a drawn out melodrama all served to hurt it. However it is still the last thing people remember and trying to "reboot it" won't wipe that idea from people's minds. If anything Hollywood is going to make it more difficult by trying to round people up to give yet another actor a chance as Superman.

As for the Wachowski's, well, my issue there is that they love to fuck things up and masquerade it as "pushing the envelope" or "thinking outside the box". Want proof, watch the last Matrix movie or Speed Racer. I'm afraid with the essence of Superman intact leading to a disappointing movie with Superman Returns the Wachowski's will be able to just go out. We might be faced again with the latex Superman suit with an "S" that becomes two knives or other things equally as lame.

Keep Routh as Superman and get him some acting lessons to be able to play angry and fire everybody else (to be honest nobody remembers them anyway) then have somebody write in a more action oriented villain e.g. Metallo, Brainiac, Doomsday, Bizarro, etc. If you make a decent action and story film ala The Dark Knight and let Routh continue as Superman you'd have a sure fire slamdunk.

Reboots aren't the answer to everything.

NINJA ASSASSIN TRAILER TURNS ME INTO A 12 YEAR OLD AND FORCES ME TO SHIT EXCITEMENT-PLACENTA

I was one of the six people on planet Earth that didn't like the Matrix. I found them boring and self-involved to the point that I had to be threatened by good friends not to walk out of the third one. Beyond that I loathed Speed Racer to the point that I wanted to sneak in during the one Wachowski brother's operation to become a girl and do some real damage. However if Ninja Assassin is as good a movie as this trailer makes it look then all will be forgiven.

I grew up a child of the eighties so my love affair with Ninjas is written in the masonry of my youth. For making me giddy like a little kid again simply with a trailer I must thank the Wachowskis'. Watch this and become 12 again:

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Wii BRINGS DISNEY INTO THE STEAM PUNK AGE

I hate steampunk pretty much across the board. While the concept and visuals behind it can be cool I grow weary of people throwing the term "punk" onto something to try and make it sound like it's part of an underground movement that it isn't. Punk Workout, SteamPunk, Punk Bedsheets, Punk Crayons, it's enough already. That being said the new Wii game "Epic Mickey" looks fucking cool as shit. I don't play video games (it's the one nerd ship that sailed without me) but I enjoy watching people play them and with these visuals how could you not love it. I would buy a robot Goofy figure just because it looks so damn cool:

CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE THOSE POOR ALIENS ALONE

According to all the other sites that actually get their news from cool Hollywood insiders Ridley Scott has agreed to take time off of his Pulitzer assured Monopoly movie to direct another Aliens movie, this time it's gonna be a prequel to the first Alien movie.....oh goody.

From what i'm getting the movie will be about where the aliens are from and how they got aboard and killed everybody on the ship that the crew from the first Aliens found them. There are a couple of reasons that this idea sucks glazed donkey nuts. The first is that unless Scott goes deep into the origins of the Aliens or something like that to create a different feel this new Alien movie will basically be a re-make of the original Alien film only with a new crew and a bigger budget. If he does go into some deep origin tale it'll fuck up any and all remaining mystery about the Aliens.

What we have here is a Catch 22 about a film series nobody gives a fuck about. I love Alien, the original film is still amongst my most prized movie watching experiences ever. From there I just begin to care less and less. I know, I know I'm some kind of Geek World Anti-Moniter for even suggesting that I don't care about James Cameron's Aliens but them is the facts.

I loved Aliens when it first came out but as time goes on it doesn't stand up to repeat viewings. Alien was not just a weird, claustrophobic thriller it was also a really solid character study about the people on the Nostromo. I can only watch Bill Paxton say "Game over man, game over" or Sigourney Weaver scream "Get away from her you bitch!!" so many times before it becomes silly.

I see Alien as a long drive in the country and Aliens as a roller coaster. Both are fun but the former you can always do and love while the latter really only works sometimes and even then it's kind of boring. As for Alien 3 and 4 well they basically just seemed like ham-handed ways of trying to re-launch something that was never meant to be a franchise.

By doing that Alien 3 and 4 killed off so many primary characters (especially 3) that it almost seemed to say the first two were unnecessary. More than just being bad films they seemed really insulting to the first two which were actually good movies. Yeah, even though I don't watch Aliens anymore I can't front on it being a decent action movie.

The Aliens vs Predator movies were just awful but mainly because they were celluloid versions of potato chips or soda. Just product to be shoved down people's throats bearing no actual nutritional value at all.

With the new movie I'm sure the Hollywood sharks will rev up a hype machine nobody can withstand and the film will open to big numbers. After the falderall the movie will slink into a niche behind all the other sequels until somebody needs a summer blockbuster and the large alien heads are dusted off once again.

It's sad really that the evils of Hollywood have done such terrible things to those innocent aliens but hey, that's Hollywood ;)

THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX TRAILER IS...WELL... I DUNNO...LAME

I've been amped to see this trailer ever since Sara told me they were making a movie out of the book. Mainly I was amped because it was Wes Anderson and it was stop motion animation. Now the trailer is out and I don't know why but I don't dig it at all. Perhaps it needs more time to sit with me. The animation kind of bugs me and the whole thing seems weirdly forced. You watch, tell me what you think.

FUCK BILL O'REILLY: THE TRUTH ABOUT AMSTERDAMN

I think it's fair to say that Bill O'Reilly is just pure ignorance, mixed with a dash of evil and a large amount of rich, white, ego. This talking head cunt never shuts up and when he's wrong he just yells louder or out and out lies about facts to seem right. He's pathetic and sad and we all know it.

Recently Los Angeles toyed with the idea of legalizing weed to help with their struggling economy. Of course O'Reilly and his fear mongers had to leap into action because anything that rattles the status quo has to be destroyed. O'Reilly is part of the conservative Republican world that doesn't care at all about the people they serve, they simply see themselves as the ruling class. When they are not in power they must lie, fight and scrape to get back into power no matter who it hurts.

So O'Reilly decided to target Amsterdam and their lax pot laws to make his point. Using lies, fake facts and more made up shit than Dr. Seuss would have the talent to attempt he made Amsterdam look like a cesspool of corruption and decadence. In the condescending eyes of these Republican uber-cunts it's basically Escape From New York. Watch this video which contains O'Reilly's fear campaign and actual statistics about Amsterdam




FUCK YOU BILL O'REILLY.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS KANYE WEST

I think we've all long known that Kanye West is a cunt, like a super cunt, and what's worse is he's a talentless hack cunt. People out at "da club" might have though "Gold Digger" was a "club bangah" but since then what has he really done? A lot of bullshit cameos and clothing ads but nothing in his musical repartee comes anywhere near making him as good as he thinks he is. West is like the human embodiment of the Emperor's New Clothes. There's lots of falderall and bluster but when you really look there's NOTHING THERE!!! I always knew West was a conceited cunt bag but this recent move takes the cake. Not only does he think he should be the new King Of Pop but he asked the Jackson Family for their blessing WHILE THEY ARE STILL MOURNING!! Dig this:


"You know everyone loves and respects Michael but times change. It's so sad to see Michael gone but it makes a path for a new King of Pop and I'm willing to take that on," so he told Scrape TV.

On what makes him deserve the title, Kanye said, "There's nobody who can match me in sales and in respect so it only makes sense for me to take over Michael's crown and become the new King." The rapper then added, "First there was Elvis [Presley], then there was Michael, now in the 21st century it's Kanye's time to rule. I have nothing but respect for Michael but someone needs to pick up where he left off and there's nobody better than me to do that. I am the new King of Pop."

Furthermore, Kanye reportedly has reached out to the Jackson family to obtain official permission to use the title but so far received no response from them. It is believed that the family is still mourning over Michael's death.

OK I'm not sure what sales he's talking about but I'd guess we could whip out some folks who've sold more than you. Jay Z, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, etc. The other thing is that nobody respects you because you do shitty like things like this. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure Jackson's impact around the world has, is and will always be bigger than Kanye "13:52 Remaining" West.

Seriously, from the bottom of my colon Kanye....Suck My Ass It Smells

MY PLOT FOR THE WATCHMANIACS

So that's the new teaser poster for the remake of Nightmare On Elm Street. It stars Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger. If that name sounds familiar it's because he played Rorschach in the ill-fated Watchman movie. Now I dug his performance as Rorschach but this Freddy casting got me thinking we should combine the two into one film called WATCHMANIACS. Using the original Watchman trailer here's my break down:


Close up on a door in an insane asylum. Inside the killer from My Bloody Valentine is watching TV. He turns to see a shadow under his door. Suddenly a boot kicks in the door and the MBV killer stands up and starts breathing heavy. Subtitles say "Just a matter of time I suppose."

The person who kicked in the door, cloaked in darkness grabs MBV killer and throws him across the room. Quick shot of the MBV killer's gas mask as a drop of blood hits it. Then maskless the MBV killer is thrown through a window. THE WB LOGO APPEARS

Freddy Kruger walking through the streets clicking his knives. He bends down and picks up the MBV gas mask and says "WATCHMANIACS". Holding the gas mask Kruger says "One of us died tonight"

Quick shot of a photo being taken with Michael Myers, a female Zombie, Pinhead, Hannibal Lecter, Jason Vorhees, MBV killer and Freddy Krueger.

Back to Kruger jumping up to the smashed window. Quick shot of him entering the apartment saying "Somebody knows why" then looking at a wall of MBV's various gas masks and killing tools. Kruger says again "Somebody knows".

Cut to a shot of Lecter talking to Kruger saying "MBV had lost the taste." Cut to a shot of MBV raising a machete and then putting it down. Cut to a hole in the ground where MBV's body is tossed in while the Lecter VO says "Maybe somebody got tired of that."

Shot of Krueger walking away from Lecter saying "Maybe somebody is picking off masked killers". Quick shot of Jason Vorhees throwing the gas mask into the grave. Quick shot of Pinhead walking through hell.

Cut to the female zombie at a restaurant saying "Pinhead thinks hell has risen". Quick shot of a city with a dark cloud following it. Quick shot of Female Zombie, Jason Vorhees and Freedy Krueger walking down some steps. A Kruger VO saying "What if that's why somebody wants us out of the way."

Quick shot of police fighting demons. Kruger VO continues "So we can't join in all the fun." Cut to shot of Lecter jumping on a female nurse and biting into her cheek. Quick shot of a crowd, then Krueger leaping into a bunch of bikini clad teens in the rain, then Jason Vorhees getting set on fire, then Michael Myers standing in front of a house with a huge butcher knife. A Krueger VO says "An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us."

Slow shot of the female zombie walking down steps being sexy. A Lecter VO says "Watchmaniacs are over, what do you suggest we do about it?" Quick shot of Krueger standing on a tower laughing and saying "Retribution".

Shot of Lecter standing next to MBV Killer saying "We can end this world". Cut to a man being pulled apart but hooks and Pinhead standing behind him. Then Pinhead stretching his arms out as people run.

a title card says "THEY HAUNT OUR NIGHTMARES". Cut to the Female Zombie grabbing a victim and biting into his neck, blood spurts everywhere. Krueger jumps through a mirror at a girl, close up of his face smiling. Another title card "BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING CAME FOR THEM?"

Pinhead standing in front of the Female Zombie at his palace in Hell. He says to the Female Zombie "Why would I help end a world I no longer have any stake in?". The Female Zombie says "Do it for me" as part of her jaw falls off.

Shot of MBV killer jumping into a crowd slicing and dicing. Quick shot of hell with people moving through it, a shot of a cop firing a gun, Krueger jumping through a window into another dimension, Jason Vorhees landing in front of scared kids, Pinhead ripping through another body, Krueger slices a kid, Jason picks up a cop and snaps him in half, the Female Zombie tries to run from fire, the Female Zombie and Jason without his mask start to kiss, Pinhead being surrounded by demons screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE", Vorhees falls to his knees.

Another crowd shot, hell erupting out of the ground as Jason and Female Zombie kiss, another Krueger VO "The world will look up and scream kill us!!" Quick shot of demons attacking a crowd, then Krueger kicking in a door. Krueger VO "And I'll whisper..NO" close up on Krueger's smiling face. Title card that says WATCHMANIACS.


Well that's my idea

TRAILER FOR PLANET HULK ANIMATED MOVIE

WOW, on the heels of the kick ass Green Lantern movie and the announcement of the upcoming Superman/Batman Public Enemies films, Marvel now steps up their game with this Planet Hulk film. The Planet Hulk series was one of the greatest runs of The Incredible Hulk ever thanks to writer Greg Pak. Pak made me love the Hulk again like I did as a kid until that hack Jeph Loeb took over and fucked it all up. I'm hoping if this movie does well they'll also do World War Hulk. Anyway, here's the trailer.

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Sorry it's been so long since I did one of these but there just hasn't been that much stuff to report on. I mean there's always something but a lot of it doesn't even deserve the time. The stuff I have for this week does kick ass so check it out.


THE GOOD: ANGUS YOUNG KICKS







Oh yeah these kick much ass mainly because they're not just converse with AC/DC graphics but actual shoes modeled after what Angus wears on stage. I myself will be buying a pair of these which will hurt my flat-as-pizza-slices feet but who cares.




THE BAD: MILES DAVIS QUINTET SKATEBOARDS




When I say bad I mean BAD ASS!! These are Skateboards each featuring a member of the Miles Davis band when he recorded Some Kind Of Cool. Which these boards really are!!




THE UGLY: WEASEL VOMIT COFFEE BEANS



Oh yeah, you heard me right (or read). Think you're a coffee nut? Think you have the stones to try all flavors? Then dig this batch of coffee good times. Apparently when weasels eat the beans and then vomit them up the stomach acids burn away any acidic factors on the beans and release the full good tastes.

Anybody wanna try a cup?

MICK JONES OPENS A PUBLIC LIBRARY

This is a pretty awesome story and makes me wish I lived anywhere near where I could check it out. The only bummer is that Mick Jones looks really really old.


The Rock n Roll Public Library is Mick Jones’s (The Clash, B.A.D, Carbon Silicon) direct artistic challenge to the likes of the corporate 02 British Music Experience. Rather than let his creative legacy atrophy Jones is ’transforming’ his own archive of near 10.000 artefacts into one unique ‘guerrilla-library.’ Set under the Westway motorway in 3000 sq.ft of former office space, Jones’s five-week civic endeavour will also encourage visitors to enrol, interact with the archive-exhibition (Jones began collecting well before he formed The Clash in 1976 to eventual international success, as such it forms an invaluable guide to the influences that informed Jones as a pop-artist). Also uniquely by request users will be able to scan (courtesy Genus, U.K distributor of the Book2net Kiosk) certain objects and via memory stick carry them away. Please note visitors to the world’s first, resolutely alternative, Rock n Roll Public Library shouldn’t expect peace and quiet.

NEW RATS OF NIMH MOVIE?

Check out this little tidbit that's making the rounds today:


Paramount is developing a feature version of Robert C. O'Brien's award-winning children's tale "Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH," says The Hollywood Reporter.

Director Neil Burger (The Illusionist) is in talks to write the screenplay, and former Walden executive Cary Granat is on board to produce.


Usually this type of news would send me over the edge with bitter hatred but this time I'm actually kind of interested in what could come of it. Don't get me wrong I loved the 1982 Secret Of Nimh to almost a scary point. I watched it as often as I could in the theater and when it came out on VHS (yes VHS, no jokes please) that was a big day for me. As much as I loved the movie I loved the book way more and the book is very different.

I'm hoping in making the new movie the filmmakers draw on the source material of the book and actually make that movie, that would be cool. Less Dom Delouise yelling "You've got a sparkly" and more of the plight of the rats of Nimh.

ASTRO BOY PHOTOS LOOK KINDA LAME

Here are some stills from the upcoming Astro Boy animated movie and I have to say they look a little too pleasant for my taste. Astro Boy always looked kinda like Speed Racer, slapped together and rough. This is too clean, to sweet, too nice. I'm sure this movie isn't aimed at me but still I figured I'd put in my two cents.

NEW HALLOWEEN II PHOTO

Here is a new photo from the sure to be shitpile Halloween II sequel that Rob "I Won't Rest Until I've Made The Ultimate Awful Movie" Zombie is releasing on August 28th. I enjoy this photo mainly because if I close my eyes and concentrate then open them up really quickly I can Zombie's wife in place of the girl.

Zombie's wife is one of the most appalling things about all of his movies. Sure she's easy on the eyes, sure you'd hit your grandmother in the head with a shovel to ride her but that doesn't mean she can act. Apparently in this one she's dressed like a refugee from the new Alice In Wonderland and she follows Michael around driving him to kill. Nicely done Zombie, way to take any mystery or intrigue out of the Michael Myers story so your wife can get her 15 minutes.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE FEATURETTE KICKS ASS

TWO PIECES OF COMIC CON NEWS THAT PISS ME OFF

1. Apparently in the final season of Smallville Clark will sport a superhero suit that is black and Matrix-ish and also has a silver "S" on the front.

OK this is fucking lame and even though I'm driven to watch season 9 because I've watched the other 8 seasons this comes close to making me turn it off. Smallville has really lost steam in the last few years because it keeps screwing up what made the show so great. It was a simple show about young clark and now that's nearly 30 it's a little much. This supersuit is gonna super suck.

2. Apparently the next waste-of-life-and-money season of Heroes will feature a Carnival of people who have powers all traveling around.

Well fucking cunt shit christ isn't that AWESOME!! Let's not spend the money to continue doing Carnivale (one of the greatest series ever) let's instead ass fuck the concept and shit it out all over Heroes which sucks so bad it makes the fans vomit.

I'm going to Comic Con next year with a fucking baseball bat and a whole lot of bail money.

I hate everything

WOW WHY NOT JUST SELL HIM WITH THE WHEELCHAIR

So above is the Mattel Toys 12 inch Christopher Reeve Superman figure. I guess in this version ol' Supey has the gout? Perhaps it's supposed to be him after not eating due to the financial returns of Superman IV.

Whatever it is it's insulting to the man who will always be the one that did the best job bringing Superman to life. Seriously Mattel FUCK OFF and the General Zod is worse.


I hate everything

THE MOST PATHETIC PICTURE FROM SAN DIEGO COMIC CON

If your in this picture or you're a mom who feels this way

kill yourself

i hate everything

that is all

THE WOLVERINE ANIME MOVIE PISSES ME OFF, THE IRON MAN ONE LESS SO

I don't like Anime, I never have and I never will. It's all either people with big eyes screaming or sharp featured characters with moving hair and weird shadows. Here are the trailers for the Wolverine and Iron Man anime movies, The Iron Man one I don't care for simply because I don't like anime but then watch the Wolverine trailer







The Wolverine one however is so insulting that I'm hoping those who did it die in a fire. Wolverine looks like a meth addict zombie and he has a FUCKING MULLET!!!

I hate everything

POSSIBLY THE BEST STUPID IDIOTIC TWIST ENDING EVER

OK Not that I was planning on going to see the movie Orphan but when I was told what the SUPER TWIST ENDING was I nearly fell off my chair laughing. It's a fucking perfect example of everything that's wrong with horror movies today. Then I got to thinking, what about the poor suckers who pay to see this movie and get left feeling violated. With them in mind here's the twist ending.

SPOILERS AHEAD BEWARE



Apparently the little girl Esther is actually a full grown adult that suffers from a type of dwarfism that makes her look like a little girl. To take it one level better she used to be a hooker that had wealthy pedophile clients before becoming "adopted".

So she's a super dwarf psychopathic killer.

WOW the mind reels.

TRON 2 TRAILER INFINITELY HIGHER QUALITY

THE THREE HOT CHICKS FROM TWILIGHT AT COMIC CON

The three young hot ladies who will star in the upcoming Twilight sequel came to San Diego Comic Con mainly because Twilight has nothing to do with comics at all but it's a movie to shill so here they are.






Though these three lovely beauties are all stunners Kristin Stewart once again proves she's not only hot but somebody you'd want to hang out with. View her sporting the Joan Jett haircut AND the Minor Threat shirt.

SUICIDE GIRLS DO COMIC CON

THESE SUICIDE GIRLS DRESSED LIKE COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS WILL BE ON THE FLOOR OF COMIC CON. YOU MUST FACE TWO TRUTHS ABOUT THESE WOMAN:

1. THEY PROBABLY DON'T READ COMICS SO DON'T TRY TALKING ABOUT THEM

2. YOU WILL NOT FOR ANY REASON GO HOME WITH THESE GIRLS AFTER COMIC CON.

TRON 2 FOOTAGE - WATCH IT WHILE YOU CAN

No idea how long this will be up before being removed but for now here is some pretty rad Tron footage. It's crap quality but it's still pretty awesome to see.




If it does go down at least here are some pictures. They seem pretty rad to.

HOW TO FEEL LIKE YOU'RE AT SAN DIEGO COMIC CON WITHOUT ACTUALLY GOING

I'm probably the only sci-fi, comic, geek blogger out there who isn't at the San Diego Comic Con but that's ok because I don't need to be. I figured out an AWESOME way of being able to feel like I've attended without having to go. To make it work you'll need the following things:

Printed out posters of new "geek" movies coming out
a lighter and some gasoline
a CD of loud background crowd noise
a computer with a good speaker system
A superhero costume that doesn't fit
a few action figures
A medieval head vice


OK first put on the ill fitting superhero costume, it should fit something like this:





Once you've done that get in your car and drive a mile from where you live. Then get out of your car and walk slowly back home through as many crowded areas as you can. Try and make sure it's areas that it would be nearly impossible to walk through without bumping into people and where you move incredibly slow. Make sure you try and talk to people about the latest sci-fi movie coming out while they try to avoid you.

When you get home take out all your comics and burn them because....as we all know....there are no COMICS at Comic Con. Once all your comics are burned up put the crowd noise CD on and turn it up way beyond any possible comfort level. Then attach the head vice to your skull and twist it until the pressure it unbearable, then twist it a little more.

Once you're in that kind of pain alternate on your computer between movie trailers for "geek" films and videos of celebrities pretending they're into comics talking about their new project. Make sure this is as loud as humanly possible and that it's mixing with the unbearable crowd noise CD. For extra points find a lengthy video of Seth Green talking about anything and listen to it while jamming your finger into your eye.

Every so often crumple the printed posters of upcoming movies up and shove them down your throat much the same way the movie companies will if you were there. Alternate between that and shoving action figures up your ass until it bleeds.

After three days of this without stopping make sure to burn all the money you took out of the bank.

There, you've now attended San Diego Comic Con

EXCERPT FROM MY NEW SHORT STORY

This is an excerpt from a short story I'm working on. When I get it totally finished I'll offer a link to download the whole thing. I hope you dig and please let me know what you think

Iann


I took the staircase two at a time pulling a black t-shirt over my head as I did. When I got to the top I yanked on the rope dangling from the trap door and stepped back as it opened and extended a small ladder. I more jumped than climbed up the ladder pulling closed behind me in case they did get in. The attic was stale and smelled like formaldehyde and lavender. I moved across the floor kicking over reminders of tenants past as I headed for the window leading out to the roof.

I threw the window open and climbed out into the summer air. It was sticky and hot but the fresh air felt good in my lungs. I moved from the second tier to the main part of the roof scuttling across it on my belly until I reached the side that looked down on The Brutes.

They had backed up a bit and were wailing at each other. I figured that was their version of a strategy meeting so I had to act fast. I removed the shotgun and lined it up to the face of one of the closest Brute bracing myself for the kickback. A huge sound deafened me and the skull of The Brute exploded into a mess of blood and brain matter. The remaining Brutes looked up at me and started screaming. I fired at another one and hit his knee sending him tumbling to the ground.

The remaining Brute’s watched their fallen comrade with great interest. They considered him for a second and then all four descended on the screaming crippled Brute savagely. Theybegan ripping and biting into the crippled one’s flesh literally tearing it limb from limb. The screams were so awful I almost felt bad for the poor bastard. I wanted to turn away from the blood funneling beneath the carcass creating various glistening red streams but I couldn’t. I watched for several minutes as the other Brutes finished eating their brethren trying to see if I could detect even the smallest glimmer of their humanity. I was so caught up in what I saw I didn’t realize how close I was to the edge of the roof. I snapped back to reality in time to feel myself plunge off the edge.

“FUCK.” I said aloud to no one.

I never thought I’d ever be thankful for a tree but as my flailing body hit the top of the green sycamore I became incredibly grateful. It hurt like a motherfucker to plow through the branches but far less I figured than breaking my back on the ground and then becoming an after dinner snack. Branches gouged at all sides of me causing bruises, scrapes, scratches and anything else they could.

I came to a violent rest against a thick low branch that knocked the wind out of me. My legs were dangling off the branch with my stomach resting on it. I gasped for air but only got raspy sounds and chest pains. I couldn’t get my fingers to grasp the branch and so I started sliding slowly off.

The Brutes hadn’t noticed my fall but I figured my luck wouldn’t hold out if I hit the ground with a resounding thud. I needed time to regroup and jump start my breathing. I slowed my racing brain down and concentrated on holding myself in place. My fingers began to slowly cooperate grasping the branch at least enough to hold me steady. Each move was a concentrated effort all the while I watched The Brutes waiting for them to turn their attention from their dinner to me, their desert. I inched myself up the branch until I could swing my legs over and sit up straddling the branch as though it was a horse. I slid towards the trunk of the tree until my back rested upon it and then I started breathing slowly. I could feel my lungs expanding again and my mind clearing.

The Brutes caught a whiff of the new game in town and turned to face me. I drew out my glocks, clicking off the safety and taking aim. I wasn’t ready for what happened next, and looking back there was no way I could be. The largest of the four Brutes ran three steps and then jumped up and across to land on the branch right in front of me. Up close it was a vile thing to see, a cross between something vaguely human and something entirely alien. It opened it’s mouth and I saw skin morsels clinging to the razor sharp incisors. The breath was pretty close to what I figured evil would smell like and it was getting closer.

Without really thinking I pushed the gun barrel into the Brute’s mouth and pulled the trigger. An explosion of brains and blood splattered back on me as the Brute went limp and slid off the branch. I was hoping it would lead to another dinnertime free for all but there was nothing. The three Brutes charged after my tree flailing their arms and screaming. I shot one dead with ease but the kickback jerked me crooked and I slid off the tree branch and onto the ground banging my knee into my chin.

The sudden appearance of blood cause the Brute’s to become even more unhinged but I had more pressing issues, the fall from the tree had bounced both guns far enough away to be a problem. The Brutes were fast and mean but in this state they were predictable. The lead Brute lunged after me but I rolled out of the way and it hit the tree trunk with sickening thwap. I scrambled up and crawl-ran to where the guns lay. I lunged forward like a bad cop show landing on the gun, grabbing it and spinning over. I fired until the gun clicked managing to bring down one more Brute which gave the others hesitation. I scrambled up to my feet and ran a few steps to the other gun. The Brute’s had regrouped and started charging. I dropped to one knee, lined up the shot and squeezed the trigger.

Click click click

Panic hit me in a black wave rendering my senses useless and throwing me into a fit of total despair. I was going to die here at the hands of these stinking cunt beasts and there was nothing I could do about it. Then my head cleared and I remembered who I was and what I was. I pushed my hands together and began focusing the energies around me into my hands and then back out. I took a deep breath and released the energy in a quick violent blast. It smashed into The Brutes like a freight train sending them flying backwards. It wouldn’t take long for them to recover but it was all I needed. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me to the back porch taking the three small steps in one bound.

Resting against the back door were the two mid-sized swords I had designed for myself. The body of the swords were shaped like a “C” only with the curve bent out a little wider. From the center two long spikes protruded past the edge of the “C” which I had laced with poison. The sides of the “C” were razor sharp and could cut through just about anything. From the back of the “C” were two small bars connected to another bar forming almost and upside down Pi symbol. I held the swords with the bottom handle and let the sharpened part do the rest.

I grabbed the swords and leapt out over the railing of the porch landing just in front of the Brutes. I slashed out carefully slicing the creature's legs clean off. It fell screaming but I ignored it slamming the spikes into the Brute’s eyes. The final Brute froze for just an instant, which was all I needed. I brought both swords around at the same time effortlessly slicing the head off my final attacker. I stepped back and watched the geyser of blood erupt around me. Then I sat down on the steps of the back porch and tried to control my heavy breathing.

THIS PRETTY MUCH FUCKING KICKS INCREDIBLE AMOUNTS OF ASS

THE MOST ADORABLE ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER

OK I'm usually a pretty jaded bastard but this trailer made my tiny, bruised and black heart sing because it's just so damned cool. Meet Emily Hagins a young girl who wanted to direct a zombie movie and so she has. With zero pretensions and more heart than Michael Bay has ever had in his life this young lady (with the help of her friends and family) steps up to make the movie of her dreams. Watch this trailer and tell me you don't love the whole idea.

THE GREATEST COMIC COLLECTION THAT NEVER WAS

Mostly I find The Comic Journal to be pretentious and full of shit but sometimes they unload with some really amazing stuff. Check this out:

"In 1970, satirist/editor Michel Choquette conceived a mammoth anthology of new comics from all over the world by just about every cartoonist imaginable circa 1970 (as well as such unimaginable cultural icons as Federico Fellini and Frank Zappa). All of the contributors were to riff on the 1960s, creating a comics snapshot of that decade, but the project kept growing in ambition until it reached a scale that scared off its publishers.

Today, bookstore shelves are filled with comics collections and graphic novels, but in 1970, there was no Watchmen or Persepolis. Even Art Spiegelman’s Pulitzer-winning Maus had yet to be published. To publishers of the time, Choquette’s dream book was an enormous folly and one by one they backed out of negotiations, leaving Choquette, who had spent all his book advances traveling the globe enlisting contributors, to disappear into relative obscurity.

But by the time publishers had gotten cold feet, Choquette had already assembled an astounding array of comics contributions from 190 of the most influential comics creators and cultural figures of the 1960s and ’70s, including: Jack Kirby, William Burroughs, Harvey Kurtzman, Art Spiegelman, Will Eisner, Arnold Roth, Don Martin, Michael O’Donoghue, Ralph Steadman, Tom Wolfe, Wally Wood, Bill Griffith, Barry Windsor-Smith, Gahan Wilson, Moebius, C.C. Beck, Vaughn Bodé, Harlan Ellison, Shary Flenniken, Albert Uderzo and René Goscinny, Russ Heath, Doug Kenney, Patrice Leconte, Chris Miller, Denny O’Neil, Roy Thomas, as well as the aforementioned Fellini and Zappa. It was a legendary compilation of the comic art form that would give heart palpitations to anyone who ever loved comics or was alive in 1970, but no one has seen it all except for Choquette.

Comics Journal writer Bob Levin tracked Choquette down and discovered that this long-lost El Dorado of comics still exists in storage. In an epic article, Levin follows Choquette’s path across continents and countries as the would-be anthologizer encounters a cultural Who’s Who of the ’60s and ’70s (Salvador Dali! Gloria Steinem! Jann Wenner! Jorge Luis Borges! Bianca Jagger!), collecting art that will, in part, see print FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER in the pages of issue #299."

FIRST 6 MINUTES OF GREEN LANTERN FIRST FLIGHT

As the animated film thing goes DC has it all over Marvel in a big way. Since the release of JLA: New Frontier they have continued to make a kick ass product. I am so amped for next week's release of Green Lantern: First Flight I can barely contain myself. When I opened my emails and saw a link to the first six minutes I was happy to see it even though it was through MTV. Check out the amazingness.....

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

I NEVER GET WHAT I WANT - BAM MARGERA STILL LIVES

I was very excited today when I opened my email and saw that Bam Margera, probably the biggest waste of human life out there, had been rushed to the hospital because of a presumed drug overdose. So happy I was, cheerfully doing a jig dance in celebration of the death of a man who is such a Cunt he gives other Cunts a bad name. Bam is on the same level as Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, the cats of NYC Prep, in that none of them actually deserve to live because they serve no purpose at all. Bam is a sad hateful, shitty little man and I could not have been happier he was dead.

BUT HE'S NOT DEAD

Ah fuck his enabler mom says he was just dehydrated. While it's sad that Bam Cuntface is still alive hopefully it was drugs so he can keep trying until he gets it right.

AND OLD MTV BIT FEATURING ME AT KAIJU BIG BATTLE

This was one of the cooler things I got to do at MTV.


IANN VS KAIJU

MY REVIEW FOR "HARRY POTTER & THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE"

Before I start my review of Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince let me take a second to inform you of a plan I’d like to see go into effect. Tonight I went to see this movie with my beautiful fiancée and just as the lights went down three ill diggy yo yo mackin fresh word ‘em up yo yo homies started talking as though they were in their living room. When people (including myself) asked them to please be quiet they took it as an invitation to act like tough guys. When security came to ask them to shut up they kept saying they would “kick a muthafuckah down the steps”. People who do this in movies are the lowest type of human being because not only do they know what they’re doing is wrong but when you ask nicely for them to respect where they are they threaten you. I say that from now on if people do that you’re allowed to shoot them in the face until they die. Anybody with me?

OK, on to the movie.

I have an interesting relationship with Harry Potter in that it’s one of the few pop culture phenomenons that I have no vested interest in. I read the first book but never continued on to the next one and I only saw the first two movies in order to do the press junket during my MTV days. With that type of peripheral interest I’m able to watch the movies with just pure enjoyment. The week before Half Blood opened I watched the other movies and found that I liked them much more than I thought I would. The best part was having my Potter fanatic fiancée Sara filling in the gaps between the books and the movies. I’ve actually gained an interest in reading the books as well as newfound respect for JK Rowling as a storyteller.

The Half Blood Prince movie is a solid, well told and largely depressing movie that bravely stays focused on expanding the dark times in young Harry Potter’s life. Director David Yates splits the responsibility of telling this chapter in the Potter legacy in half by relying as much on visuals as on his actors. When I say visuals I don’t mean special effects but the actual visual palette of the film.

The colors in Half Blood Prince are all very muted and dark, it’s always raining or snowing and the film is shot in a very constricted way. Shots are framed tightly and there’s an air on congestion to the frames. You really begin to feel the oppressive state the characters are living in and how the fear of the dark lord is stifling everyone it touches. Yates smartly uses the many special effects to help the characters tell their tale as opposed to relying on effects to be the story.

Within this tense structure the three main characters Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley are allowed to flourish. Daniel Radcliff who plays Potter does a great job of showing Harry as a warm young man with a heavy heart. Using equal parts innocence and dark eyed sadness Radcliff manages to balance the typical growing pains and amusements of a teenager with the world-saving responsibilities Potter has. You believe him as both a gawky teenager and as the chosen one and our only hope against the dark lord.

Emma Watson who portrays Hermione Granger has not only grown into a beautiful young woman but also a more confidant actress. Watson uses a lot more nuance and subtly than her counterparts and it works well as a counter weight to the two boys. Hermione’s a much more complex character here than before and Watson uses her facial expressions and tiny gestures to let the audience in on how she’s feeling. It’s especially potent when she suffers unrequited love at the hands of Ron Weasley.

Speaking of Ron Weasley I must say actor Rupert Grint is flawless in this movie. He can be funny, charming, lecherous and idiotic but he’s never unlikable. Grint keeps Weasley as a character you can root for, the guy you’d want to have a beer with after potions class. His dalliance with a completely insane young girl is one of the only light spots in the film but it doesn’t feel like a forced “comedy moment”. It’s more an example of how no matter what treachery is surrounding them teenagers will always get distracted by dating, love and the early attempts to figure out the human heart.

The Half Blood Prince supporting cast also does a great job of turning what could’ve been a simple kids film into something else by melding with their characters utterly and completely. Alan Rickman’s Severus Snape is an incredible joy to watch whenever he’s on screen as is Michael Gambon’s Dumbledore. These two and the other supporting cast members are dedicated to making the world of Harry Potter every bit as real as our own and with that comes some real tension and uneasiness about Voldemort. As complex as the plot gets it never becomes convoluted and Yates always tosses in a little action right when it seems as though the film is getting long winded.

The things that don’t work are small and not anything that would lead me to not recommend Half Blood Prince. For instance I wanted there to be more of actor Tom Felton’s Draco Malfoy. Malfoy is Potter’s arch nemesis and one of the most interesting characters in the entire movie. I could’ve used a lot less (as in none) of Helena Bonham Carter cackling and way over doing her turn as one of Voldemort’s minions. I honestly don’t understand how somebody as one-note as Bonham Carter continues to work. My only other gripe is something that may have not been a problem in the books but sticks out like a sore thumb in the movie.

The title of the film is The Half Blood Prince but that whole aspect is only a small part of the movie. I kept waiting for the Half Blood Prince thing to become more central to the plot but it never does. It’s not a huge problem because everything else going on is so engrossing but it did strike me as odd. I can only assume it was an angle better explored in the books that had to be pared down for the film.

At two and a half hours Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince could have easily been a long-winded bore that only appealed to the die-hard book fans. Instead what you get is that rare breed of film that will entertain kids and adults alike. I’m sure the Potter Faithful will have a myriad of issues with the liberties taken for the film version but for the rest of us this is the strongest entry in the entire series. Let’s just hope it finishes on as strong a note when Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows opens in 2011.

MY REVIEW FOR "WHATEVER WORKS"

Ever since 2000’s Curse Of The Jade Scorpion it feels as though director/writer Woody Allen has been in busy mode. The films he’s made since then is tantamount to your Grandfather deciding to put an addition on the house or rebuild a sailboat from scratch. The movies Allen is putting out aren’t bad but they always feel rushed and they lack the emotional center, smart dialog and breezy plots that made his older work so brilliant. It seems these days he’s just making movies to make them.

In that vein comes Whatever Works an unpleasant rarely funny movie about the world’s ultimate curmudgeon whose life is turned upside down by the arrival in his life of a beautiful young woman. The film was originally written in 1977 with Zero Mostel playing curmudgeon Boris Yelnikoff but got shelved after the actor’s death. The script was dusted off and reformatted for Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David. It also marks Allen’s return to New York City after a four-film sojourn in Europe. It also marks the continued idea that Allen is OK settling into mediocrity for the remainder of his career.

Whatever Works suffers from four serious problems not the least of which is Larry David himself. I suppose when David breaks the fourth wall and tell the audience he’s not a “likable guy” we’re supposed to use that as the grain of salt by which to measure his actions throughout the movie. The problem is that doing that is too easy and allows Allen to go crazy writing David’s character as a completely unbearable windbag who insults people for no real reason. David’s delivery is so unpleasant as an actor that by the end of the film you feel nothing at all for his character except contempt or worse indifference.

With a lead you can’t stand it then falls to the supporting cast to try and make the film more than just average. Sadly Allen has written them all as such two-dimensional characters that they couldn’t support a house of cards. Nobody here serves any purpose except to give David’s character somebody to abuse or to try to push a scene along and get to the next one. Evan Rachel Wood plays Melodie St. Ann Celestine, the young runaway who David discovers outside of his apartment and eventually invites to stay with him. She’s supposed to be the light to his darkness or the ying to his yang but instead she just ends up as eye candy. You also never believe for one minute she would be attracted to him.

Even the usually wonderful Patricia Clarkson is given so little to work with she can barely make her part in the film watchable. It’s actually a testament to how wonderful an actress Clarkson is that she is able to breathe life into such a mediocre part. One of the reasons that the characters don’t work is the third problem with the film: exposition. For some reason the amount of exposition in every bit of dialog makes you feel like Allen doesn’t even really want to be shooting this movie or that it’s cutting into his Jazz Band time. The plot doesn’t unfold so much as it’s dictated to you through mercilessly long voice overs or monologues.

The fourth problem is the resolution of the film which is so out of left field that you keep waiting for it to be a dream sequence. Again it feeds into the feeling that Woody Allen is no longer interested in making movies but has no idea what else to do with himself. The plot of this movie never finds its voice and lacks any real direction feeling more like just a bunch of scenes of people talking. Allen introduces characters then sticks them with ridiculous developments, which totally counter everything they were ten minutes before. I’m all for a character starting at one point and ending at a completely different place but it should be over the course of the movie. Whatever Works does it in two minutes of voice over and we’re just supposed to accept it. The worst is poor Ed Begley JR who is seriously shafted in how his character ends up.

I consider myself a Woody Allen fan and I was excited as hell to see Whatever Works. I even tried to ignore these glaring issues and pretend I was enjoying myself but in the end I had to be honest. Whatever Works is a pale and amusing derivative of what once stood as Woody Allen’s genius filmmaking. It’s a rental at best, a skip at worst and for those of us who paid to see it a lost afternoon. I hope Allen gives up film making before this string of busy work movies ruin his impressive legacy.

IF WE COULD ALL TAKE OUR COCKS OUT OF OUR HANDS FOR ONE MOMENT

That is a picture posted today of Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow in the next Iron Man movie. With every caption I read I become a little more aggravated because they keep talking about how hot she looks. Um, was that ever a question? Was the idea of SJ in tight leather ever going to be anything but incredibly hot? Whatever movie she's in Scarlett looks fucking amazing. The rub here is that she can't act, she never could.

Smoldering at the camera and playing cutesy free spirit sex kitten isn't acting. Her range goes from A to B and it always has. Now she's in a movie where Mickey Rourke plays an eccentric wack job (big stretch there) and Robert Downey JR plays and egotistical asshole (not a real big stretch there either).

So once you've done firing jizz onto your computer screen over this photo step back, get some tissue and remember the bitch can't act.

Iron Man 2 still doesn't look like a good movie.

BLACKEST NIGHT TOYS ARE AWESOME

BLACKEST NIGHT ISSUE #1


These are the toys from the DC Blackest Night series which is already kicking much ass. The toys come from DC Direct and should be out soon. Dig 'em:




I know I'll be picking up Black Lantern Superman, Aquaman, Atrocious, Jonn J'onzz and the Black Mask.