Thursday, July 29, 2010

SMALLVILLE Season 10 Trailer. It Ain't The Thor Footage.....


Oh what you wanted TOM WELLING with his shirt open?

I didn't get to go to San Diego Comic Con which is totally FUCKING BULLSHIT fine with me because to be honest I can't afford to go I'm too much of a comic purist to want to be part of something so obviously tainted by Hollywood unless somebody pays for me to go and all of its money hungry bullshit.

That understood I did a wrap up of what I thought was important and one of those things was Smallville. Well, here's the trailer for season 10 and it has some cool surprises. It's hard to get a wicked hard on for Smallville no matter what since it's sucked to bad for two years but hey I might watch it now, especially if they do get Lex Luthor to return.

THOR FOOTAGE...GET IT BEFORE IT GOES!!




Okay so not to waste time with writing a bunch of shit here's the Thor trailer that's been taken off line other places. No idea how long it'll be here.

TEEN GIRLS GET IT ON!!



GOTCHA!!

This may not be the Bill Hicks idea of the perfect Tiffany and Debbie Gibson video but it's pretty damn funny. As you may or may not know the Syphilis SyFy Channel is pairing the two eighties teen queens together in a movie titled Megapython Vs Gatoroid where they play I guess scientists who hate each other but have to cum come together to fight the two big bads. Outside of the fight my favorite is that Gatoroids sounds like a disease you'd catch drinking too Gatorade.

"Coach my ass really hurts and there are these weird puss filled sores!"

"Sounds like a bad case of Gatoroids!

Anyway here's the video

Monday, July 26, 2010

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #1: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE...FOR PHOTO OP



The biggest thing at Comic Con this year because the bullshit thing has NOTHING to do with comics it's the perfect time to talk about it was The Avengers movie. As you can see this was the first time all the folks in the film were in the same room and woo hoo what a fucking blast that must've been. So I could write about a bunch of shit but there's video so watch this instead.





Well if you made it through all that false fanfare and ass kissing you got to see Robert Downey cuntbag take another swipe at Chris Nolan (he did it before when Iron Man opened against the Dark Knight). You also got to see just how disingenuous these people are and how little any of this has to do with comic books.

WOO HOO FUCKING HOLLYWOOD

I HATE EVERYTHING

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #2: THERE'S A THOR MOVIE?



Well shiver my ass and call me for cow tippin' I had no idea there was a movie about Thor, mainly because I haven't heard one fucking word about it at all!! See there, that's sarcasm!! Anyhoo there was a big time panel for this movie, which I think has a maybe 45% chance of being any good and we learned all kinds of nifty shit. First up we learned via this photo that the Infinity Gauntlet will be in the movie



The Infinity Gauntlet was a bejeweled glove that Thanos used for utter destruction. Now does this mean that Thanos will be in the movie? Um, probably not so I'm guessing the screen writers either re-wrote the idea or Thor goes up against Asgard's version of Liberace. Next was the panel itself where all the actors crooned about how cool the movie is. Here are some highlights.

Natalie Portman Won't be in Avengers but will be in other Thor movies.
My future Ex-wife Kat Dennings is in the film, reason enough to see it.
Hemsworth knew nothing about Thor (shocker there)

Then footage came, footage I didn't see because nobody wants me at SDCC. Here's the description of what was shown:

Clark Gregg’s Agent Coulson opens the film circling a man sitting in a chair in what looks like an interrogation room. “One way or another we find out what we want to know. We’re good at that. It’s not easy to do what you did. My men are the most highly trained in the world and you made them look like mall cops.”

We see shots of Hemsworth rumbling with the SHIELD agents. This is all Earth stuff with Thor fighting without a suit or hammer.

“Why don’t you tell me where you received that training. Afghanistan? You strike me more as a soldier of fortune type. Who are you?”

And that’s when we see Hemsworth’s face for the first time, giving Coulson a big fuck you stare.

From here on the footage moves to Asgard. Sweeping shots of golden streets as Anthony Hopkins’ Odin speaks over the footage.

“I have sacrificed much to achieve peace. You have opened these innocent realms to the horror and devastation of war. You are a vain and cruel boy.”

Hopkins really shouts down Hemsworth, who dishes it back at the old man. “And you are an old fool!” Hopkins responds with quiet sadness. “I was a fool… to think you were ready. In the name of my father and his father before… I cast you out!”

That last bit was played over the scene in the Great Hall, Thor on his knees in front of Odin, his winged helm is removed and then we see a flash and a deep rumble of thunder and Hemsworth is laying in a desert.

Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings are leaning over him as he wakes up. He looks around upon waking and says, “Oh, no… this is Earth, isn’t it?” Portman and Dennings trade a look.

Hemsworth changes shirts in a later scene and Dennings sneaks a peek and says to Portman: “You know for a crazy homeless person he’s pretty cut.”

Next shot had Hemsworth trying to explain where he came from to Portman. “Your ancestors called it magic, yet you call it science. I can prove they are one and the same. The answers you seek will be yours once I claim what’s mine.”

Mjolnir is in embedded in the ground, surrounded by tarps and caution tape. A muddy Hemsworth approaches as Hopkins voice over says “Whoever wields this hammer, be he worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”

Hemsworth wraps his fingers around the handle and tries to pull with all his might, fails, screams to the heavens in frustration.

Then we leave Earth and return to Asgard as Odin lays dead (presumably) and Loki takes power as the successor to the throne. This, apparently, isn’t good news for the people of earth as they run around in a panic. More Odin voice over as Thor watches the devastation: “His fate is in his own hands now.”

Coulson and his SHIELD agents are in the desert as something crashes into the dust. The metal Destroyer stands and approaches the agents. “You are using unregistered weapons technology. Identify yourself.” One of the agents asks Coulson: “Is that one of Stark’s?” Coulson responds, “I don’t know. He never tells me anything.”

The Destroyer’s helmet opens and a bright beam of light boils there before shooting out and… well, destroying things.

There are lots of glimpses of the fully costumed Thor in battle, very quickly cut in the sizzle reel, but really badass swinging the hammer, deflecting blows with it against a stormy background.


You'll notice I haven't said one word about the Captain America panel and that's because I think that movie is going to be absolute shit. However Thor might.....MIGHT....be okay. They didn't show Kat Dennings in the photos so here she is:


SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #3: LET THE AMERICANS IN..NO WAIT



Apparently at Comic Con there was a new trailer and poster for the American version of Let The Right On In, now called Let Me In. The above poster is pretty nice and I have to say the trailer is very cool, if it weren't for the fact that it's for this movie. See the original Let The Right One In is a quiet movie about co-dependency and love with this supernatural thing moving in the background. This film looks like a big Vampire death movie with lots of action and characters that don't need to be there. Check out the trailer:



See, it's not bad but if you've seen the original you can feel how Americanized this is and that kinda sucks.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #4: GREEN LANTERN POSTERS



It's no secret that I don't think highly of the new Green Lantern movie but I would be remiss if I didn't present you these posters from SDCC that give you a glimpse of the characters in the new film. Most sites didn't put the posters in order of the Green Lantern creedo but I'm a dork so I did. Here they are.




SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #5: FRANK'S BACK....AGAIN



I guess Marvel has never heard the term three strikes and you're out. I say this because the House Of Horseshit Ideas has not only brought The Punisher back into the Marvel movie fold but there's talk of doing a new Punisher film. Correct me if I'm wrong but these idiots have three bites at the apple and fucked up all of them. The first was of course the classically bad Dolph Lundgren Punisher with Louis Gosset JR where Frank Castle lived in the sewer for some reason. Following that there was an attempt at a serious Punisher movie with Thomas Jane and that one wasn't bad.

However according to Jane himself the movie that was put out was not the film he had signed on for and the sequel seemed even worse so he bowed out leaving the part open for this Ray Stevenson guy who sucked nearly as bad as Dolph and while the movie was goofy fun it still didn't get anybody into the theaters. If I was Marvel I'd take this as a sign and just let the Punisher movie go. People either don't want to see it or it's a story nobody has figured out how to tell. Either way who fucking cares, a fourth movie is a dumb idea.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #6: FUCK THE RED HULK



I can't think of a bigger Marvel misstep than the Red Hulk. Seriously, what a hunk of red shit we've had to content with for two FUCKING years. I should have known this would happen with Jeph "I Royally Fucked Wolverine" Loeb at the helm but I kept hope alive and ended up with a huge throbbing red veined Hulk cock in my ass for issue after issue. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse it did with War Of The Hulks, one of the most convoluted and horribly written series ever. Now comes the news that the Red Hulk will join the Avengers.

Well fucking shit pants golly golly gee ain't that good news. So far the new Avengers (that's new as in the new launch not new as in the New Avengers) has been hard pressed to find it's footing and somehow I don't see adding the big red garbage heap as a way to solve that problem. Oh and apparently the Red Hulk is really Thunderbolt Ross though I have no idea how that works since I stopped reading the thing in order to not blow up Loeb's house.

The only good news in all of this is that Jeph Loeb is finally stepping down as the writer of the Red Hulk. I don't know who is replacing him and to be honest I don't give two good goddamns about it. First off I know any kid with a crayon and a 3rd grade imagination can write a better story than Loeb has but I doubt that even if Alan Moore stepped in he could undo the damage heaped on us by this abomination.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #7: CHLOE IN ACTION/SUPERMAN IN SMALLVILE




For the longest time Smallville has sucked a thousand cocks laced with cyanide. Ever since the big "Doomsday" is coming let down where the creature that killed Superman turned out to be a hot, troubled ambulance driver that turned into a the Toxic Avenger mixed with a porcupine it's been downhill. The only thing worth a damn on that show was the character of Chloe Sullivan played by the nerd-boy-perfect-girlfriend Allison Mack. Then it was announced Allison would be jumping from the Smallville ship because, well probably because she knew the show sucked donkey nuts at this point. When that came out all of us who loved Alison and Chloe were super bummed.

Fear not!! As it turns out Chloe will be making her comic book appearance in Action Comics #838 and that kicks ass. Hopefully she'll be a permanent part of the DC Universe but even a brief encounter with the character is better than nothing. Here's the cover of Action Comics #893.




With Chloe gone and Smallville circling the drain the producers have pulled out all the stops for the tenth and final season by actually putting Superman in the show about Superman. Apparently a trailer for season ten showed not just the costume but also Clark finally being referred to as Superman. This definitely probably won't save the show but it will drag my stupid ass back for season 10.