LEGAL BATTLE FORCES NEW SUPERMAN

What do you mean I'm boring?


If you're not hip to the current issues between Warner Brothers and the estate of Superman co-creator Jerry Siegel (a beef you can read about HERE)then you probably don't know that if WB doesn't spew out a Superman movie by 2011 they lose all rights to the character. With that in mind the long delayed return to Superman has been fast tracked overnight.

According to sources nobody was happy with Superman Returns (which I understand though I didn't think it was awful) so this film will be a complete re-boot. The studio sees Superman Returns as a bookend to the Richard Donner movies so they won't be asking Brandon Routh back to reprise his role as the Man Of Steel and between the fallout from the project and Bryan Singer begging for his X-Men job back he won't be returning either.

From what I understand the Wachowski Brothers (or brother & sister) are trying to pitch an idea with the director of their new film Ninja Assassin (check trailer below) to helm. As usual Hollywood is going about this the wrong way because that's all they know how to fucking do.

Superman Returns was chock full of ego and mistakes. The budget was too big, the casting (for everybody except Superman I felt) was way off and the fact that it was a drawn out melodrama all served to hurt it. However it is still the last thing people remember and trying to "reboot it" won't wipe that idea from people's minds. If anything Hollywood is going to make it more difficult by trying to round people up to give yet another actor a chance as Superman.

As for the Wachowski's, well, my issue there is that they love to fuck things up and masquerade it as "pushing the envelope" or "thinking outside the box". Want proof, watch the last Matrix movie or Speed Racer. I'm afraid with the essence of Superman intact leading to a disappointing movie with Superman Returns the Wachowski's will be able to just go out. We might be faced again with the latex Superman suit with an "S" that becomes two knives or other things equally as lame.

Keep Routh as Superman and get him some acting lessons to be able to play angry and fire everybody else (to be honest nobody remembers them anyway) then have somebody write in a more action oriented villain e.g. Metallo, Brainiac, Doomsday, Bizarro, etc. If you make a decent action and story film ala The Dark Knight and let Routh continue as Superman you'd have a sure fire slamdunk.

Reboots aren't the answer to everything.

NINJA ASSASSIN TRAILER TURNS ME INTO A 12 YEAR OLD AND FORCES ME TO SHIT EXCITEMENT-PLACENTA

I was one of the six people on planet Earth that didn't like the Matrix. I found them boring and self-involved to the point that I had to be threatened by good friends not to walk out of the third one. Beyond that I loathed Speed Racer to the point that I wanted to sneak in during the one Wachowski brother's operation to become a girl and do some real damage. However if Ninja Assassin is as good a movie as this trailer makes it look then all will be forgiven.

I grew up a child of the eighties so my love affair with Ninjas is written in the masonry of my youth. For making me giddy like a little kid again simply with a trailer I must thank the Wachowskis'. Watch this and become 12 again:

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Wii BRINGS DISNEY INTO THE STEAM PUNK AGE

I hate steampunk pretty much across the board. While the concept and visuals behind it can be cool I grow weary of people throwing the term "punk" onto something to try and make it sound like it's part of an underground movement that it isn't. Punk Workout, SteamPunk, Punk Bedsheets, Punk Crayons, it's enough already. That being said the new Wii game "Epic Mickey" looks fucking cool as shit. I don't play video games (it's the one nerd ship that sailed without me) but I enjoy watching people play them and with these visuals how could you not love it. I would buy a robot Goofy figure just because it looks so damn cool:

CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE THOSE POOR ALIENS ALONE

According to all the other sites that actually get their news from cool Hollywood insiders Ridley Scott has agreed to take time off of his Pulitzer assured Monopoly movie to direct another Aliens movie, this time it's gonna be a prequel to the first Alien movie.....oh goody.

From what i'm getting the movie will be about where the aliens are from and how they got aboard and killed everybody on the ship that the crew from the first Aliens found them. There are a couple of reasons that this idea sucks glazed donkey nuts. The first is that unless Scott goes deep into the origins of the Aliens or something like that to create a different feel this new Alien movie will basically be a re-make of the original Alien film only with a new crew and a bigger budget. If he does go into some deep origin tale it'll fuck up any and all remaining mystery about the Aliens.

What we have here is a Catch 22 about a film series nobody gives a fuck about. I love Alien, the original film is still amongst my most prized movie watching experiences ever. From there I just begin to care less and less. I know, I know I'm some kind of Geek World Anti-Moniter for even suggesting that I don't care about James Cameron's Aliens but them is the facts.

I loved Aliens when it first came out but as time goes on it doesn't stand up to repeat viewings. Alien was not just a weird, claustrophobic thriller it was also a really solid character study about the people on the Nostromo. I can only watch Bill Paxton say "Game over man, game over" or Sigourney Weaver scream "Get away from her you bitch!!" so many times before it becomes silly.

I see Alien as a long drive in the country and Aliens as a roller coaster. Both are fun but the former you can always do and love while the latter really only works sometimes and even then it's kind of boring. As for Alien 3 and 4 well they basically just seemed like ham-handed ways of trying to re-launch something that was never meant to be a franchise.

By doing that Alien 3 and 4 killed off so many primary characters (especially 3) that it almost seemed to say the first two were unnecessary. More than just being bad films they seemed really insulting to the first two which were actually good movies. Yeah, even though I don't watch Aliens anymore I can't front on it being a decent action movie.

The Aliens vs Predator movies were just awful but mainly because they were celluloid versions of potato chips or soda. Just product to be shoved down people's throats bearing no actual nutritional value at all.

With the new movie I'm sure the Hollywood sharks will rev up a hype machine nobody can withstand and the film will open to big numbers. After the falderall the movie will slink into a niche behind all the other sequels until somebody needs a summer blockbuster and the large alien heads are dusted off once again.

It's sad really that the evils of Hollywood have done such terrible things to those innocent aliens but hey, that's Hollywood ;)

THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX TRAILER IS...WELL... I DUNNO...LAME

I've been amped to see this trailer ever since Sara told me they were making a movie out of the book. Mainly I was amped because it was Wes Anderson and it was stop motion animation. Now the trailer is out and I don't know why but I don't dig it at all. Perhaps it needs more time to sit with me. The animation kind of bugs me and the whole thing seems weirdly forced. You watch, tell me what you think.

FUCK BILL O'REILLY: THE TRUTH ABOUT AMSTERDAMN

I think it's fair to say that Bill O'Reilly is just pure ignorance, mixed with a dash of evil and a large amount of rich, white, ego. This talking head cunt never shuts up and when he's wrong he just yells louder or out and out lies about facts to seem right. He's pathetic and sad and we all know it.

Recently Los Angeles toyed with the idea of legalizing weed to help with their struggling economy. Of course O'Reilly and his fear mongers had to leap into action because anything that rattles the status quo has to be destroyed. O'Reilly is part of the conservative Republican world that doesn't care at all about the people they serve, they simply see themselves as the ruling class. When they are not in power they must lie, fight and scrape to get back into power no matter who it hurts.

So O'Reilly decided to target Amsterdam and their lax pot laws to make his point. Using lies, fake facts and more made up shit than Dr. Seuss would have the talent to attempt he made Amsterdam look like a cesspool of corruption and decadence. In the condescending eyes of these Republican uber-cunts it's basically Escape From New York. Watch this video which contains O'Reilly's fear campaign and actual statistics about Amsterdam




FUCK YOU BILL O'REILLY.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS KANYE WEST

I think we've all long known that Kanye West is a cunt, like a super cunt, and what's worse is he's a talentless hack cunt. People out at "da club" might have though "Gold Digger" was a "club bangah" but since then what has he really done? A lot of bullshit cameos and clothing ads but nothing in his musical repartee comes anywhere near making him as good as he thinks he is. West is like the human embodiment of the Emperor's New Clothes. There's lots of falderall and bluster but when you really look there's NOTHING THERE!!! I always knew West was a conceited cunt bag but this recent move takes the cake. Not only does he think he should be the new King Of Pop but he asked the Jackson Family for their blessing WHILE THEY ARE STILL MOURNING!! Dig this:


"You know everyone loves and respects Michael but times change. It's so sad to see Michael gone but it makes a path for a new King of Pop and I'm willing to take that on," so he told Scrape TV.

On what makes him deserve the title, Kanye said, "There's nobody who can match me in sales and in respect so it only makes sense for me to take over Michael's crown and become the new King." The rapper then added, "First there was Elvis [Presley], then there was Michael, now in the 21st century it's Kanye's time to rule. I have nothing but respect for Michael but someone needs to pick up where he left off and there's nobody better than me to do that. I am the new King of Pop."

Furthermore, Kanye reportedly has reached out to the Jackson family to obtain official permission to use the title but so far received no response from them. It is believed that the family is still mourning over Michael's death.

OK I'm not sure what sales he's talking about but I'd guess we could whip out some folks who've sold more than you. Jay Z, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, etc. The other thing is that nobody respects you because you do shitty like things like this. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure Jackson's impact around the world has, is and will always be bigger than Kanye "13:52 Remaining" West.

Seriously, from the bottom of my colon Kanye....Suck My Ass It Smells

MY PLOT FOR THE WATCHMANIACS

So that's the new teaser poster for the remake of Nightmare On Elm Street. It stars Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger. If that name sounds familiar it's because he played Rorschach in the ill-fated Watchman movie. Now I dug his performance as Rorschach but this Freddy casting got me thinking we should combine the two into one film called WATCHMANIACS. Using the original Watchman trailer here's my break down:


Close up on a door in an insane asylum. Inside the killer from My Bloody Valentine is watching TV. He turns to see a shadow under his door. Suddenly a boot kicks in the door and the MBV killer stands up and starts breathing heavy. Subtitles say "Just a matter of time I suppose."

The person who kicked in the door, cloaked in darkness grabs MBV killer and throws him across the room. Quick shot of the MBV killer's gas mask as a drop of blood hits it. Then maskless the MBV killer is thrown through a window. THE WB LOGO APPEARS

Freddy Kruger walking through the streets clicking his knives. He bends down and picks up the MBV gas mask and says "WATCHMANIACS". Holding the gas mask Kruger says "One of us died tonight"

Quick shot of a photo being taken with Michael Myers, a female Zombie, Pinhead, Hannibal Lecter, Jason Vorhees, MBV killer and Freddy Krueger.

Back to Kruger jumping up to the smashed window. Quick shot of him entering the apartment saying "Somebody knows why" then looking at a wall of MBV's various gas masks and killing tools. Kruger says again "Somebody knows".

Cut to a shot of Lecter talking to Kruger saying "MBV had lost the taste." Cut to a shot of MBV raising a machete and then putting it down. Cut to a hole in the ground where MBV's body is tossed in while the Lecter VO says "Maybe somebody got tired of that."

Shot of Krueger walking away from Lecter saying "Maybe somebody is picking off masked killers". Quick shot of Jason Vorhees throwing the gas mask into the grave. Quick shot of Pinhead walking through hell.

Cut to the female zombie at a restaurant saying "Pinhead thinks hell has risen". Quick shot of a city with a dark cloud following it. Quick shot of Female Zombie, Jason Vorhees and Freedy Krueger walking down some steps. A Kruger VO saying "What if that's why somebody wants us out of the way."

Quick shot of police fighting demons. Kruger VO continues "So we can't join in all the fun." Cut to shot of Lecter jumping on a female nurse and biting into her cheek. Quick shot of a crowd, then Krueger leaping into a bunch of bikini clad teens in the rain, then Jason Vorhees getting set on fire, then Michael Myers standing in front of a house with a huge butcher knife. A Krueger VO says "An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us."

Slow shot of the female zombie walking down steps being sexy. A Lecter VO says "Watchmaniacs are over, what do you suggest we do about it?" Quick shot of Krueger standing on a tower laughing and saying "Retribution".

Shot of Lecter standing next to MBV Killer saying "We can end this world". Cut to a man being pulled apart but hooks and Pinhead standing behind him. Then Pinhead stretching his arms out as people run.

a title card says "THEY HAUNT OUR NIGHTMARES". Cut to the Female Zombie grabbing a victim and biting into his neck, blood spurts everywhere. Krueger jumps through a mirror at a girl, close up of his face smiling. Another title card "BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING CAME FOR THEM?"

Pinhead standing in front of the Female Zombie at his palace in Hell. He says to the Female Zombie "Why would I help end a world I no longer have any stake in?". The Female Zombie says "Do it for me" as part of her jaw falls off.

Shot of MBV killer jumping into a crowd slicing and dicing. Quick shot of hell with people moving through it, a shot of a cop firing a gun, Krueger jumping through a window into another dimension, Jason Vorhees landing in front of scared kids, Pinhead ripping through another body, Krueger slices a kid, Jason picks up a cop and snaps him in half, the Female Zombie tries to run from fire, the Female Zombie and Jason without his mask start to kiss, Pinhead being surrounded by demons screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE", Vorhees falls to his knees.

Another crowd shot, hell erupting out of the ground as Jason and Female Zombie kiss, another Krueger VO "The world will look up and scream kill us!!" Quick shot of demons attacking a crowd, then Krueger kicking in a door. Krueger VO "And I'll whisper..NO" close up on Krueger's smiling face. Title card that says WATCHMANIACS.


Well that's my idea

TRAILER FOR PLANET HULK ANIMATED MOVIE

WOW, on the heels of the kick ass Green Lantern movie and the announcement of the upcoming Superman/Batman Public Enemies films, Marvel now steps up their game with this Planet Hulk film. The Planet Hulk series was one of the greatest runs of The Incredible Hulk ever thanks to writer Greg Pak. Pak made me love the Hulk again like I did as a kid until that hack Jeph Loeb took over and fucked it all up. I'm hoping if this movie does well they'll also do World War Hulk. Anyway, here's the trailer.

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Sorry it's been so long since I did one of these but there just hasn't been that much stuff to report on. I mean there's always something but a lot of it doesn't even deserve the time. The stuff I have for this week does kick ass so check it out.


THE GOOD: ANGUS YOUNG KICKS







Oh yeah these kick much ass mainly because they're not just converse with AC/DC graphics but actual shoes modeled after what Angus wears on stage. I myself will be buying a pair of these which will hurt my flat-as-pizza-slices feet but who cares.




THE BAD: MILES DAVIS QUINTET SKATEBOARDS




When I say bad I mean BAD ASS!! These are Skateboards each featuring a member of the Miles Davis band when he recorded Some Kind Of Cool. Which these boards really are!!




THE UGLY: WEASEL VOMIT COFFEE BEANS



Oh yeah, you heard me right (or read). Think you're a coffee nut? Think you have the stones to try all flavors? Then dig this batch of coffee good times. Apparently when weasels eat the beans and then vomit them up the stomach acids burn away any acidic factors on the beans and release the full good tastes.

Anybody wanna try a cup?