NEW MOON TRAILER MEETS BAYWATCH

If you read the Twilight series of books and enjoy them, no matter what your age or sex, you are a sixteen year old girl. I keep hearing that New Moon will be more plot driven then Twilight which when you think about it is tantamount to saying one coloring book will have more complicated pictures than the another coloring book.

From what I can tell the Lestat loving Vampire Cops are pissed with main hot Vampire Guy because he's riding with a human so he leaves. Kristin Stewart lays in the leaves and then starts doing motorcycle stunts and cliff diving in order to see an image of Main Hot Vampire Guy which apparently only appears when she's hopped up on adrenaline.

So then she's in love with the 80s hair metal ultra buff werewolf guy but leaves to stop Main Hot Vampire Guy from stepping into the sunlight. There's a chick with a scarf, the incredibly gay werewolves come and all dress the same then Main Hot Vampire Guy gets choke slammed.

What's even better is this tip I got that if you play the Baywatch theme it sinks up to the New Moon trailer awesomely. Turn the volume off on the New Moon trailer then hit start. Right after that hit start on the Baywatch trailer and watch the magic.

SUPERNATURAL SEASON PREMIERE - MY REVIEW

Supernatural is a silent gift from the TV gods. With so many shows blustering and bragging about how good they are Supernatural has slinked along in the shadows over the last four years consistently kicking ass. Tonight was the start of season 5 and it looks like another year of hell for the brothers Winchester. Sam has started Armageddon, the devil is coming to Earth, the brothers are not exactly thick as thieves anymore and the Archangels still want Dean to captain their war effort. Yep, it's gonna be a bitch of a year for Sam and Dean.

I'm not going to give away any big plot details here but trust me you'll be cheering through the entire episode. Once again the writing is crisp, the characters are intriguing and the action is non-stop. I'm also a big fan of the fact that the writers make the Demons and Satan truly evil. They're not hip or cool or funny they are mean spirited, vicious and cruel. At one point Satan is trying to convince his vessel (a human body to act through) to let him in by appearing as the man's dead wife. There are also some very heavy images portraying just how horrible the Devil is going to be.

The relationship with the Winchesters has taken on a nice dimension this season, one that's been building for the last four years. I've always loved the fact that no matter how over-the-top the supernatural elements get the show itself is strongly rooted in the relationship between Sam and Dean. The creators of Supernatural have kept the boys close but tense for three years and then did a great job of slowly destroying that relationship in season four.

Now with the greatest threat they've ever faced before them Dean doesn't trust Sam at all. On top of that the Archangels are tired of Dean ducking his "responsibility" to them and their desire to go to war with the demons. So much is packed into this first episode and yet it never loses focus, it never gets confusing. What's interesting here is how the writers have stacked the deck against Sam & Dean. Instead of zeroing in on the Satan aspect the writers have turned pretty much everybody they can against the brothers. If this really is the last season it's shaping up to be a doozy.

As always Jared Padalecki (Sam) and Jensen Ackles (Dean) are great as the brothers. The chemistry between them is always awesome to watch especially with the added tension of the mistrust. Jim Beaver is back in full awesome mode as Bobby Singer and of course the man who always steals the show Misha Collins is just brilliant as the angel Castiel. As for Satan Mark Pellegrino appears only as the human vessel Satan is looking to inhabit so it's unclear if he'll be convincing as Lucifer himself. I have faith though, the casting on Supernatural has been spot on for the last four years.

Will all of season five live up to the promise of the first episode? Who knows. Will this actually be the last season of Supernatural? I have no idea. What I do know is Supernatural has shot out of the gate with a bang so if anybody needs me on Thursday night I'll be glued to the TV watching The Winchester brothers slap out at Satan, Demons, Angels and anybody else stupid enough to get in their way

WEDNESDAY TOP TEN: BATMAN TOYS

So this is a new thing I'm starting called Wednesday Top Ten. Every Wednesday I'll be coming up with a new Top Ten list for no other reason than they're fun to do. This week are The Top Ten Most Awesome Batman Toys. These days toys are usually pretty run of the mill action figures or cars, maybe a playset if you're lucky. Back in the day toys used to be really fucked up but really cool. After extensive research I have dug up what I think are the most awesome toys from the world of Batman. I based my list on both the sheer awesomeness of the toy and also its bizarre level. So without further ado, here we go:




10. BATMAN SQUIRT GUN: I love this one for a lot of reason but mainly because it is the gayest thing I've ever seen. Not only is Batman bent over but he's also got his lips pursed together. Based on this toy I guess Batman spits huh?




09. MEGO BRUCE WAYNE FIGURE: This was a short lived idea in the seventies involving the alter-egos of the bigger selling figures. This was the Bruce Wayne figure which, as you can tell, fucking sucked. It could be the giant tie or the ill fitting suit (a must for an billionaire) but I think for me it's the head. This looks like they had a run on Mego Fonzie figures so they slapped on a bad suit and tried to re-sell them. Still, as bad as it is, I'd love to own one.




08. BATMOBILE BUMP CAR: This thing is so kick ass I would literally hit a stranger in the head with a shovel for one. This 60s era Batmobile not only looks awesome but it's part of the Bump Car series which I loved as a kid. You turn the car on and it moves around until it bumps something then it changes direction. In the world of video game-hyper technology that we live today it sounds dumb but for me these cars were awesome.




07. THE PENGUIN POCKET WATCH: As time pieces go it's hard to do worse than a silver pocket watch featuring the Birdman of crime himself. I dig the version of Penguin ont he face as well as the 3D penguin that moves around the watch for no reason.




06. BATMAN CANDY CIGARETTES: I love this one because it makes zero sense in the world of Batman. A hero based on being the ultimate specimen of what the human body can achieve through dedication and discipline....hawking smokes? I really wish I could've been in the marketing meeting when--in between hawking coughs---some Ad Exec pitched this idea.




05. ELASTIC BATMAN: For those who don't remember or weren't old enough to buy toys in the seventies the whole Stretch Armstrong phenomenon will mean nothing to you. Essentially Stretch Armstrong was a blonde doll with a plastic head and a body you could stretch as far as you could think to as a kid. The phenomenon got so out of control they started making Stretch Anything, including Batman. I had this and never really found a use for it. It still kicks ass though




04. BATMAN COLA: Yeah, again, not sure who decided this was a good idea but I want one simply because of the can. Add in my unending need to find out what Bat-Cola tastes like and you have a winner.




03. BATMAN UTILITY BELT: My father got me this for my birthday and I went everywhere with it, including school. I got sent home for throwing the Batarang at a kid and trying to slap the batcuffs on somebody else which I never understood. I was BATMAN, it was my job to do this. This many years later I like the idea of Batman's utility belt being so clunky and weird looking.




02. MEGO JOKER MOBILE: I wanted this thing as a kid so badly I could taste it. I never got one and I yearn for it even today. Not only is it green and covered in stickers that say "Ha" and "Hee" (because that's something the Joker would do) but the flower above squirts and a boxing glove pops out the back to punch Batman in his Bat-eye. This van remains cool thirty years later.




01. JANEX BATMAN TALKING ALARM CLOCK: This was one of my most coveted items as a child. I took this clock everywhere I went including Grandparents, friends houses, anywhere I would be sleeping over. When the alarm went off this is what you heard:

Batmobile: SCREEECH! Robin: Jumping Jehosefat Batman, we’re needed again. Batman: Right Robin, we have to wake our friends. Robin: Golly Jeepers Batman, I’ll make the call. Batman: Okay Robin wake them all. Robin: Time to GET UP and out of bed! Batman: Good boy Robin, very well said! Screech!!

Holy shit did I love this clock. I keep looking for them but the ones that still work are wicked expensive.


So that's The Top Ten Most Awesome Batman Toys. Look for a new Top Ten list next Wednesday!!

RAMBO IS BACK AND THIS TIME HE'S FIGHTING...UH....WEREWOLVES?

So with the success of Rambo IV it was just a matter of time before there was a Rambo V and above is the teaser poster for the next film. It came along with this description of the film:

The story involves a secret U.S. military installation where they are doing experiments to create "brilliantly instinctual killer soldiers that have no qualms about taking life." And when things go wrong, Rambo is brought in with a Black Ops squad to hunt, capture and kill these chemically engineered creations.

OK so I'm fine with the fact that Rambo has gone way off the reservation since First Blood. Rambo started out as a just a man and ended up a superhuman killing machine...OK, I can roll with that. What I find unnerving is that after a film like Rambo IV which did a nice job of bringing at least part of what made First Blood good back into the franchise Stallone would then burn the reservation down with this idea. It feels like when Baywatch tried to cash in on the X-Files popularity by making Baywatch Nights where The Hoff battled aliens and vampires and shit. I'm not comparing Rambo to The Hoff just the idea of bringing in Sci-Fi elements out of nowhere.

What unnerves me is that this sounds really cool to me and the poster with Rambo standing in front of what looks like a werewolf is even more kick ass. I guess I've long since separated First Blood from the "Rambo" movies. First Blood was a real film about a real character with actual dramatic impact. Rambo II-IV are like comic book movies, big and stupid and fun to go to. With that in mind who doesn't want to watch Rambo square off against mutant werewolves?

Sign me up!!

JUST IN CASE WE FORGOT HOW LAME SMALLVILLE CAN BE....

That is the new "superman" costume Tom Welling will sport during Smallville season 9. I suppose it's too cutesy to have him twit about in the blue & red tights but this throw back to C&C Music Factory is the cutting edge Smallville has been looking for. I'd like to know if instead of "Up Up And Away" Superman shouts "Everybody Dance Now".

Fucking christ what the hell were they thinking? I wouldn't be surprised if they resurrected Doomsday but called him DiscoDay. Welling would be forced to battle him so that kids could have the right to listen to quality club music when they wanted to. Lex Luthor can be played by Moby, all of Clhoe's lines will still be Allison Mack but onscreen we'll only see the chick who pretended to sing for C&C Music Factory.

Lois can stay the same because she looks like a stripper club bitch now anyway. Jor-El (or rather D.j. J-E) will step up to have a scratch battle with Mix Master Zod...I can see it all now

I hate everything

THE GI JOE MOVIE I WOULD HAVE GONE TO SEE

This is how I remember GI Joe, the 12 inch figures with fuzzy Afros. This short movie is not just funny but really well done and the main bad guy looks kinda like a young Bill Clinton. Dig it

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS GIVE US THE ELEMENTS

I always liked They Might Be Giants. They were fun and harmless and made some awesome music. This is a kid's video about The Elements and I'm sharing because I thought it kicked ass.

TRAILER FOR AWESOME NEW WILLIAM S. BURROUGHS DOC

I suppose it's cliche to say Burroughs is one of your favorite writers so thank GOD I'm not a cliche. I liked Burroughs a lot but he wasn't one of my favorites mainly because I found a lot of what he did to be just plain old boring. The stuff that was genius was incredibly powerful and earned him the stature he enjoys today but some of it was just art-crowd folk trying to make something more important than it was.

That being said there was no denying Burroughs was a fascinating dude to just watch and listen to speak. This new documentary titled A Man Within looks fucking brilliant. It was Peter Weller narrating and Sonic Youth doing the soundtrack, how can you go wrong? Anyway, here's the trailer:

I LOVE IT, I HATE IT, I LOVE IT, I HATE IT--WHAT THE FUCK TO DO ABOUT HALLOWEEN 3

In case anybody hasn't read my blog review of Halloween II I disliked strongly. It was too lazy and stupid for me to hate but I seriously didn't like it. Since it made a gazonga-load of money the Weinstein's have decided they're gonna make a Halloween III this time with Patrick Lussier at the helm. He was the guy who directed the less-than-stellar remake of My Bloody Valentine in 3D. My knee-jerk reaction (emphasis on JERK) was to get all enraged and up in arms and yadda yadda yadda. Then something occurred to me and without warning I was locked in a merciless battle for my own soul over my feelings towards Halloween III. Here's how it broke down:

I LOVE IT: because Rob Zombie has taken his ball and decided to go home. Having done a thorough job of destroying Halloween as well as making two back to back pants shittingly bad films Zombie will not be returning for the next installment. This is a good thing because the guy is a hack who hasn't directed a single decent film since he began the trek to become a new breed of John Carpenter. Zombie is also on to bigger things such as remaking the Blob without a large massive jelly-like..well...uh...blob involved.

With Zombie gone at least we know the next movie won't be any worse than the other two. Lussier's My Bloody Valentine was predictable and not very scary but it was watchable, even enjoyable. Shit, compared to Zombie's Halloween and Halloween II Lussier had given us the original Psycho. Even if this is just another paint-by-numbers horror movie it will at least suck way worse than the others.

I HATE IT: because we're right back where we started after the original two Halloween movies, when producer Mustapha Akkad started churning out Michael Myers movies to cash in on the bad version of a genre he'd created with Halloween. The only difference is this time the first two weren't any good so you can't even go back to those to try and recapture the magic. Lussier will essentially be doing what Zombie said he was trying to undo when he first signed up to do Halloween the remake.

I LOVE IT: because the first sin against Halloween was the original Halloween III. Some people give this movie "cult status" but they can suck my ass it smells, that movie blew huge chunks. What was worse is that it was done by John Carpenter who had already had enough with Michael Myers. Anybody of the age will remember sitting in the theater waiting for Michael to jump out and being WICKED pissed when all you got was some stupid commercial about Silver Shamrock Masks and snakes crawling out of kid's mouths.

Even if the new Halloween III is bad at least it'll be bad about Michael Myers and not about a crazy old man whose master plan is to end the world via demonized Halloween masks. Wow, talk about your assed out ideas.


I HATE IT: because it's another nail in the coffin of a great movie. I've heard so many kids who don't even know Halloween was a remake or think the remake is better because the old one was "boring and not violent enough" that I get depressed over it. Then I get depressed that I care so much and it spirals terribly out of control. Halloween was a wonderful movie built on suspense and a great story, everything else has just been marketing and cinematic diarrhea.

So that's my eternal struggle, eesh I need medication.

PIXAR TO RIP ANT-MAN FROM THE BLOODY STUMPS OF EDGAR WRIGHT?

So while bunches and bunches of people (myself included) twisted our panties in a bunch just be able to slip them on and say we did that in reaction to Disney buying Marvel, Disney was already hatching a sinister plot of their own. So for those out of the know--or with a life--Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz director Edgar Wright has been toiling in the trenches for years trying to get an Ant-Man movie off the ground. It became such a hot-button (which sounds more like the place you'd touch Kristin Stewart on her body that would have her camping outside your house begging for just a few more minutes) that Wright even showed up at one of the San Diego Comic Con to rap with the fans about it.

Regardless of all of that Disney may have decided their first "Not In My House" parent-like ruling over Marvel with this whole Pixar/Ant-Man thing. In my opinion this could work out simply because Ant-Man is not a big enough character to hold his own movie. However as an animated film I could totally see it working and being within the scope of a realistic budget. This Pixar idea also begs the question: Which Ant-Man are we talking here? The original Hank Pym or the new one by Robert Kirkman?

With the old Ant-Man who have basic man-grows-small action which would do well with Pixar but Kirkman's newer one basically has the world's most lecherous and cunting human being wearing the costume. I mean Christ it was even called "The Irredeemable Ant-Man". Personally I'd like to see a meeting of the minds. A live action Ant-Man movie won't make anybody any money at all. However if Pixar allows Wright to do a more adult animated version of the newer Ant-Man it could kick ass.

Guess we'll have to wait and see.