FOR THOSE WHO WONDERED HOW THE KARATE KID REMAKE HAPPENED

If you're like me then you hate the idea of the Karate Kid remake. Forget that it's a movie featuring a kid learning Kung Fu, set in China and yet still called Karate Kid which is a Japanese martial art. Forget that it's Will Smith's kid and instead of the basic moves that carried the character through in the original he's flipping all around. Forget that the property doesn't need to be redone and it belongs in the nostalgia files of the eighties. The fact is it doesn't seem like a viable leap for a movie company to take.

Well now I know why they did. A friend of mine sent me this article and man if it didn't clear lots of things up. Check it out at LA TIMES.

RIP DENNIS HOPPER

Holy fuck what is it with these last few months and all the death. Now it's time for legendary director, writer, actor Dennis Hopper to bow out of life's little stage play. What can you say about Hopper, he was the fucking man, even when he made stupid career choices he still rocked the shit out of them. What I always dug about Hopper was he seemed like he was always having a good time, as if no matter what was happening around him he was cool. One of my dreams was to sit back and get incredibly baked with the man but now I'll just have to watch all his movies stoned.

I first came to Dennis Hopper as many of my age did with My Science Project, a stupid, stupid, stupid eighties movie where Hopper played a wacked out science teacher. From there I watched him duel chainsaws with Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw Massacre II and of course got all weirded out by him in Blue Velvet. It wasn't until much later that I saw Easy Rider and began to understand his impact on Hollywood back when movies were actually good. I decided to really look into the man's career and started with one his first drug influenced movies titled "The Trip". Hopper was a volatile actor and a man dedicated to doing whatever he wanted, something I can always respect.

Though most people remember him from Blue Velvet, Easy Rider, and Apocalypse Now, there are several other roles that moved me just as much as those. His turn as a drunken father in Hoosiers was the heart of that movie, and I loved him as Feck in River's Edge. He was one of the most enjoyable things about the Indian Runner and of course he nearly stole away True Romance in a ten minute scene with Christopher Walken that people still talk about. Hopper made some crappy choices later in life (Super Mario Brothers anybody) but it always seemed like they were his choices, not motivated for profit.

Of course as always the man's last days were festered with drama as his cunt bag wife tried to steal from him, forced him out of his home and then forced him to pay this worthless bitch $12,000 a month because of the fucking completely wacked out divorce laws of Los Angeles. It sucks that one of the greatest film heroes we had passed on in those circumstances but he left a legacy to be incredibly proud of.

TAKASHI MIKE'S THIRTEEN SAMURAI GETS A TRAILER

...but that's about it. See thus far this film that looks totally kick fucking ass has no US Distributor so who knows when this will get over here. The movie is a remake of the 1963 film by Eiichi Kudo and is helmed by Takashi Mike, the guy who gave us Ichi The Killer, Audition, One Missed Call, Dead Or Alive and so on. As usual it'll be a violent tour de force I just hope it either hits the states in the theaters or at least gets a decent DVD release. Dig the trailer

Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About

It's a new week so it's time for another top 5 things in the world of entertainment I could give two heaping shits about. Yeah I'm not lost on the irony that I'm dedicating space to something I supposedly don't care about and aren't we all fuck clever for pointing that out. Regardless it gives me a chance to spew venom over wasted space about stupid bullshit.




5. THE GREEN LANTERN SYNOPSIS

Apparently the official synopsis for the new Green Lantern movie hit and while others are cleaning freshly spent man milk from their shorts I must once again take the stand and call BULLSHIT. First of all the movie apparently has Paralax in it, a character that doesn't come along for years after Hal Jordan is first made a Green Lantern and when it does show up it's a huge chunk of the mythology. So now Hollywood has screwed that pooch after already sodomizing a kitty by casting Chest Rockwell Du Jour Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan and some ill bitch from Gossip Girl as Carol Ferris. In Brightest Day In Darkest Night FUCK THIS MOVIE WITH ALL MY MIGHT!!!




4. TONY JAA LEAVES ACTING TO BECOME A MONK

I don't care about this because first of all I wasn't a big fan of the Ong Bak movies and watching this Jaa guy cry over elephants and flip around doesn't really fall under the "acting" banner so him leaving isn't the devastating issue it apparently is to others.




3. DONALD GLOVER WANTS TO BE SPIDER-MAN

I don't care about this because it's fucking dumb. Donald Glover, from the show Community, is an African American actor who wants to play Spider-Man. Well hoo hoo ha ha Spider-Man isn't black so why don't we stop trying to garner publicity for ourselves and let it go. Tell you what when Ryan O'Neal or Bruce Willis can play Martin Luther King or Malcolm X I'll be down with tossing the race of a character or person out the window when the movie comes up.




2. GUILLERMO DEL TORO WALKS AWAY FROM THE HOBBIT MOVIE

This is easy because I didn't really care about the Lord Of The Rings movies anyway. Nine hours of people walking, eating, complaining, hiding and then walking again just didn't constitute a big fuck deal for me. Worse than that while I enjoyed the Rings books they weren't a favorite of mine. I know, recall my nerd card, send me to hell, whatever. The only good news here is that Del Toro can do something else, let's just hope it's not fucking Hellboy 3.




1. GET HIM TO THE GREEK OPENS FRIDAY

This is number one because of my thriving, throbbing, blinding, red eyed, black hearted, bile inducing hatred of Russell Brand. This hack cunt shitbag isn't funny, can't act and has made his living being cute and trying to milk this "Look at me I'm over the top naughty boy" thing until the cow has turned to dust. The only thing I want to see that fuck up in is a Snuff Film where I get to ram a hammer into that stupid grin of his.


That's it for this week, have to fill my Camel like Hate Hump back up. Thanks to SLASH FILM For The Glover/Spider-Man photo. I can't use photoshop for shit.

SCOTT PILGRIM LONGER TRAILER IS NOT HELPING

So the longer version of the Scott Pilgrim trailer came out and oddly it left me way colder than the first trailer, which actually had me interested in seeing the movie. I have no real problem with Scott Pilgrim other than I just don't care and most of the people I see carrying the book or talking about how brilliant it is I want to beat to death with a rusty crowbar...but I digress. Scott Pilgrim is one of those properties I just see nothing special in. It's a cute book but the wink-wink cleverness of it got to me by book 2 and I was ALL done with it.

The trailer goes one better because it makes Ramona Flowers look like a real cunt. First of all her general attitude is I'm so AWESOME that I'll ignore you, treat you like shit, make you work and work for a date and then if I dane to let you go out with me you have to fight my 7 evil ex-lovers because apparently I'm such a cunt it drives people insane. WOO HOO does THAT sound like some bitch I wanna deal with. True the chick who plays her is kinda hot but nothing else about her seems desirable enough to do battle over.Oh and I'm sick as shit of that Cera kid doing the same thing and still getting work.

Anyway, here's the trailer.

RIP PAUL GRAY

I took a long time to write this entry mainly because I wasn't sure I should. So often when people in the public eye pass away there comes a slew of folks who pretend to have been incredibly close with the person who passed. I had more than passing relationship with Paul but I was in no way a good friend of his so I wasn't sure what to do. Then the other night I was on the train and I heard two kids cracking jokes about the whole thing, saying it didn't matter because Slipknot wore masks and so forth and so on. That pissed me off and I came home to write not because Paul and I were exchanging Christmas cards but because I wanted to put out there what I knew of the man.

I met Paul when I went on tour with Slipknot many years ago. Clown has asked me to come not as a reporter for MTV but as a fan of the band, a normal guy on the road. I did so and had a kick ass time watching them play, traveling with them and getting to know each member even if only for a short time. Outside of Corey and Clown who I had gotten to know previously, Paul was the easiest to talk to. He walked right up to me and started making conversation, which was a real bonus on a tour bus with nine guys.

What I noticed right away was Paul's absolute dedication to Slipknot and their fans. Everybody in that band is dedicated but Paul took it even further. He was always off the bus talking to the fans, always high energy and always attacked the stage as if this was the last Slipknot show ever. I also applauded Paul because he wasn't the focus, he was on stage with nine guys, four of which had the freedom to run around and jump as well as all the pyrotechnics and stage insanity. Paul still as able to make his presence known on stage and the guy could fucking head bang with the best of them.

Recently the band had a press conference where they called Paul the essence of Slipknot and based on what I've seen I'd say that's a fair assessment. It wasn't just Paul's dedication to the fans and the music but also his desire for the band to be together making music. With nine talented guys in one room fights are gonna break out, egos bruised and bickering a constant. Paul wanted none of that and really worked to try and mend fences or keep issues from boiling out of control. He saw Slipknot as a family and wanted to protect it.

The last time I saw Paul it was very quick but also very genuine. One of the things the entire band has done for me is not pretend they don't know me post MTV. I've remained closest with Corey but I know if I saw any of them they'd act as if nothing had changed. Paul was an incredibly genuine person and somebody who will obviously be missed by those who knew him, respected him and loved his contributions to music. I hope people can be respectful of his passing and not try to turn it into something sensational. A Friend, father, husband, brother and musician has been lost and that is all that matters.

GARY COLEMAN PASSES AWAY

I'm a child of the eighties so I grew up watching Different Strokes and Gary Coleman. I also got to watch as his star faded and he became the target of ridicule and the punch line of jokes. That's what we do as a society, we suck the balls of people on top and then stomp those same nuts when they're flat of their back. Coleman suffered a lot of humiliation between Different Strokes and his passing from a head injury. Granted some of his behavior was bizarre and he had a problem laughing at himself but with everybody clamoring to take shots it's easy to see why.

I loved Different Strokes as a kid and really liked Gary Coleman. I saw the movies he did during his time on top including Scouts Honor where he played a dedicated boy scout, On The Right Track where he played a street kid with a knack for picking winning horses (I dug the whole idea of living in a locker at that age) and the Playing With Fire movie about being a fire bug. What can I say, I thought Coleman was funny and he had the adventures I wanted to have as kid.

Coleman's problems with the law and most of his behavior can be traced back to how fucked he was once Different Strokes ended. I know a little something about having fame ripped from you and how fucked up and awful people you thought cared about you can be. I had about a zillionth the public eye tenor that Coleman had and I found the post-fame road seriously harsh to walk down. I can't imagine Coleman's life having to swim those waters from his parents fucking him over to the pot shots he had to stand.

When I couldn't get a job post MTV I ended up working for Whole Foods. Part of my job was to work behind the deli counter and every so often I had to deal with the snickers and comments from somebody who recognized me. It was all I could do not to kill them or myself and like I said that's nothing compared to what Coleman had to sit through. It doesn't seem like Coleman ever got past the loss of his career and that's sad because it means he spent the last twenty years or more hating life. I was lucky I had a few friends that stayed close and a mom who was always there, I kinda wish Coleman had been able to have that.

Now we get to watch the sycophantic scum in Hollywood pretend they cared and pretend how shocked they were that Coleman died. That's pretty fucking disgusting but it's typical for the society we live in. I hope now Gary Coleman has the peace the so eluded him in this life.

The Third LOST BOYS Movies Looks.....Uh.....Good?

Okay let me qualify that statement by saying that it looks good by contrast to the last movie which sucked huge hair asshole. I'm not sure exactly how they launch this one since the end of number 2 (yes PUN INTENDED) made it out that Corey Feldman's brother was now a vampire and coming to get him. Plus I'm interested in how they explain the vanishing of Corey Haim's character or if they don't say anything at all. As for what the new Lost Boys The Thirst looks like dig the trailer:



See what I mean? It doesn't look half bad in a straight to DVD mega violence kinda way. No it won't be the first one but at least The Frog Brothers won't be second tier to a bunch of unknown super model shitbags. I also dig that Feldman is looking old and worn, adds something to it. This movie may suck ass but I'm holding out for to be at least enjoyable.

MICHAEL BAY TO FUCK UP TURTLES

It came out today that Michael Bay's production company Platinum Dunes is going to reboot Teenage Mutant Turtles with a new live action movie. I'm not sure what Bay's love for eighties cartoons is but if he takes the Turtles in the same direction as he did Transformer its gonna be a really crappy turn for the brand. Sure the original live action movies sucked ass and were nothing like the comic but they were aimed for kids so it was easier to forgive. Bay will try to turn this into an action super event and when the focal point of that type of movie are Ninja Turtles, it can't end well. The way I see it the movie should unfold like this:

The Turtles Will Be Gruff, pissed off and spend most of the movie in the shadows
EXPLOSIONS GUNFIRE
There will be a gang lord overly violent played by a rapper
EXPLOSIONS GUNFIRE
This Drug Lord will kill the mother of Casey Jones who will be played by some beefy hot actor who we're supposed to believe is a starving kid from the slums. He'll sear vengeance and vanish from family court.
EXPLOSIONS GUNFIRE
Jones will become a super aggro violent punisher type who kills anybody in the drug cartel
EXPLOSIONS GUNFIRE
The Turtles will come to Jones's rescue saying they've been shadowing him. It will be caught on video leading to the Government hunting them
EXPLOSIONS GUNFIRE
A twisted Government official will combine forces with the drug cartel to capture the Turtles
EXPLOSIONS GUNFIRE
The drug dealers abused incredibly hot super model girlfriend will start falling for Casey Jones and turn against him for help
EXPLOSIONS GUNFIRE
The whole thing will end with a forty minute epic battle between Turtles and the government kill force and cartel
EXPLOSIONS GUNFIRE

See that's just not Turtles to me.

NEW DOCTOR WHO TOYS!! FUCK YEAH!!

Nothing like kicking off the weekend with new Doctor Who toys. Granted there's no life size anatomically correct Karen Gillian but the other figures are cool. New Doctor, red Dalek and a WWII Dalek plus a Weeping Angel and some other characters I'm not sure about. Check them out:

I'M A MARVEL AND I'M A DC'S KICK ASS 100TH EPISODE

For those of you like me who are obsessed with the I'm A Marvel/I'm A DC videos on Youtube then the brilliance of their 100th Episode won't be lost on you. It's a musical number and it's brilliant, dig it:

BATMAN THE RETURN OF BRUCE WAYNE SUCKS...BUT IT HAS TOYS

Being a lifelong Batman fan fewer things fill my bile ducts with venom faster than the rancid shitfest that is The Return Of Bruce Wayne. Hack writer Grant Morrison (yeah, I went there, step up bitch) has been ass fucking Batman since Batman RIP and now has decided not to finish until Batman's ass drips Devil Semen for the rest of his life. Issue number one of this debacle was incredibly stupid but issue #2 took it down a whole new fucking door. God I hate Morrison.

Now comes the DC Direct toys which look really cool but I won't buy because they have to do with one of the worst things associated with Batman since the characters creation in 1939. These figures cover Caveman Batman, Pirate Batman, Pilgrim Batman and Cowboy Batman. They hit stores in April of 2011, which blows mainly because I'd hoped by then we could all forget about this god awful series. Anyway, here are the figures.

COMIC BOOK MOVIE UPDATE

So the Hollywood cash machine is rolling along with the plans to turn as many comic properties into films as they can. First up it looks like James McAvoy from Wanted has been chosen to play a young Professor X in X Men: First Class, a film that traces the earliest days of the X-Men. For those unaware here's a shot of McAvoy.



I have no inherent problem with this guy though I did think Wanted was a giant turd trying to pass as an action movie. Can he play Professor X? Perhaps, though I doubt he'll erase the idea of Patrick Stewart as Professor X much the same way nobody has shaken the image of Christopher Reeve as Superman. While I'm not a huge X-Men fan I think this is a mistake, that doing a fourth film to make up for the third X-Men movie is a better play. I also think getting Matthew Vaughn to direct is a mistake but that's mainly because I hated Kick Ass.

In other superhero movie news, with Batman 3 looking for a summer 2012 release it appears now that the next Superman reboot will be hitting theaters for the 2012 holiday season. With Avengers hitting that year it might be a DC/Marvel throwdown. It appears that a script is finished for The Flash movie and a green light is very near for that movie. Still in development are Wonder Woman and Aquaman though they're both closer to green lights than they have been.

As for Green Lantern, apparently two years after the movie comes out an animated series will launch. Why two years? Beats me

Another Update That Makes The Spider-Man Reboot Suck

TOBEY ON HIS LAST DAY

So yeah we all know that Spider-Man is getting rebooted because, well, I have no real fucking idea and to be honest the reboot thing doesn't really bother me. I never thought Sam Raimi and his little crew nailed the Spider-Man movies and clearly by the third one they just didn't care anymore.

My problem is that this reboot is sending Peter back to high school in what's been outlined as Gossip Girl or 90210 with a superhero not to mention that of course this crapfest is going to be shot in 3D. Why? Well mainly because the Vomiting Demon Abortions who run Hollywood love a trend that might grease their scaly hides with more cash. The day of the great superhero movie is a thing of the past, these movies are now being made by committee so bend over and get ready for the spiked cock piece of mass marketing.

Anyhoo, the list of who will play Peter Parker/Spider-Man in this wretched undertaking has been sliced down to five and I gotta tell you, it just adds fuel to the fire in my belly to bring molotov cocktails to the houses of every studio head in Hollywood. Here are the five choices we have:


JOSH HUTCHERSON

Yeah this kid would work if suddenly Spider-Man was set in a suburban grammar school and turned into a musical about how Jesus will help the web slinger save lives. Is it me or does he look like he spends his free time in a white shirt buttoned all the way to the top running around one of those Rock N Roll Churches singing about the Lord and the evil of Harry Potter?



JAMIE BELL

I had no idea that the new direction was to take Peter Parker away from being a nerdy science geek and make him some street tough crystal meth dealer with a heroine problem who is not stranger to the sweet, sweet mouth of an older man with a hankering for little boys. Great fuck idea here you idiots.



ANDREW GARFIELD

This would be an awesome choice if Peter Parker was a European underwear model bit by a radioactive spider while sashaying down the runways during a Betsey Johnson fashion show. How am I supposed to believe this kid is a nerd with no ability to get girls when he's so fucking pretty I'd do him?



ALDEN EHRENREICH

This kid looks like Russel Crowe and Leo DiCaprio had a kid, one with a serious drinking problem. If the new Spider-Man is a drunk irish brawling teenager from Southie then this dude might be the ONE!!



FRANK DILLANE

Not that this kid is a great choice since I don't know anything about him but so far he's the only one that might pull it off. True he looks like a slightly less good looking version of the dude that put the ABS back in Werewolf for the Twilight series but beggars can't be choosers.

To be honest if I had to cast somebody I might think about Elijah Wood. He can act and he looks young plus he's been out of the big time studio eye for a while so he could use another big movie franchise.

I hate everything

Okay, I Gotta Admit, This Is Kinda Cute

So I'm back again, sorry things have been so fucking sucky but work has been kicking my ass. When I went to open my email I found a link to this little gem via TOPLESS ROBOT. I don't know who put this together but they obviously have lots of time, lots of equipment and a really awesome kid. Without further ado here' IRON BABY!

24 Series Finale: My Review

So after eight seasons and an equal amount of days 24 came to a big resounding end on Monday night. I am a huge fan of 24, have been ever since I started watching the series a few years ago. At that point I was living in a room in a huge house with like eight other people. I was between girlfriends and when I wasn't slutting it out with the local college talent I didn't have much to do. On my down time from work I'd go over to Hollywood video and rent DVDs just to kill time. One day I decided to rent 24 season one and instantly I was hooked. I started renting them furiously until I had made my way through the first four seasons.

Starting with season 5 I became a weekly watcher and while seasons five and six kind of blew monkey dick the producers really stepped up the game with season seven and season eight started with great promise. So how did the final two hours of one of the best shows on television measure up? Well, to be honest, it was all kind of a let down. Not so much because the season was bad but because the writers really chickened the fuck out. First off with this whole 24 movie nonsense. The whole idea of 24 is a day in the life of Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) so to cram that into two hours would probably suck. It also left the end very anticlimactic since Bauer escapes in a seriously unbelievable way.

For those not hip to season 8 the entire thing centers around a plot by the Russian Government to derail a peace treaty being signed between them, the USA and a middle eastern country called the IRQ. Through a series of events way, way too long to go into Jack Bauer's lover is killed, and the President Of The United States becomes embroiled in a massive cover up consisting of the death of the President of the IRQ as well as the Russians and so on. The cover up and the death of his lover turns Jack Bauer into a revenge seeking super solider driven by bloodlust.

That's where the real problems come in and how the writers chickened out. Nobody in this season acted like anything close to their characters. If they had the entire season would have been ground to halt around 3/4 of the way through. Right up until President Taylor is seduced into covering up the Russian conspiracy that nearly destroyed NYC and ended the life of the IRQ President, everything was fine. Once she agreed to the ridiculous cover up the entire show came apart. Due to her compliance Jack Bauer, still pissed the Russians assassinated his lady, snaps and goes on a killing spree to "uncover the truth".

The problem is he never really tries to uncover any truth but rather just starts killing people. This is not what the last seven seasons of 24 have shown Bauer to be. He may have hurt and killed the enemy to expose the truth behind the cover up but whole sale slaughter just doesn't ring true. Plus he was doing it over a chick he hadn't seen in years but suddenly became so in love with he threw his life with his daughter and granddaughter down the shitter? That's no Jack, it's some 80s Commando type guy.

President Taylor's sudden involvement in the conspiracy, something that goes against her character for the last two seasons, is so out of left field that the resolution suddenly becomes clear. As cliche as it is you just know she'll have some moment of clarity that will make her rise to the occasion. When she does it rings as shallow and false as does her sudden ability to give Bauer time to try and leave the country. If Bauer had died doing this or had he taken his own life once he realized what he had become at least the show would've ended with some weight to it. Instead Jack just runs off into the sunset leaving it open for the movie.

Overall 24 season eight was a thumbs up because more of it kicked ass than sucked but the end was a big let down. I expected more from such an awesome writing team and I expected more from Kiefer Sutherland and company. Though I enjoyed all eight seasons of 24 on some level nothing that happened in these last two hours gives me any desire to see the movie.

I guess you'd called that a failed mission.

SPOILER: HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS END PHOTOS

I'm not a big Harry Potter fan, never have been. I have no real problem with the books or movies I just don't care. I read the first two and at the end I was not really driven to read any further though I keep being told I missed out on the good stuff. Apparently over at this site called Oclumencia they stocked up on a bunch of photos featuring the epilogue to the last movie Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows. In the film (as with the book) the last scenes center around the surviving wizards who slapped down bad guy Voldemort several years later. These photos show the actors with their aged make up and wigs filming those scenes. Dig it:

Trailer For Documentary On JIM WOODRING

Jim Woodring is a seriously talented and fucked up artist who is finally starting get recognized. Apparently in 2008 a documentary was made about him titled The Lobster And The Liver: The Unique World Of Jim Woodring. I haven't heard of it until just now but I'm dying to see it. If anybody knows when it will be out please let me in on the release date either theater or DVD. Check out the trailer:

Amityville Horror House Up For Sale

The house pictured above is the infamous Amityville Horror House which inspired both the book and the movie and horribly bad sequels and remakes. The lovely home located at 108 Ocean Avenue in Amityville, NY was the site of the grisly DeFeo murders where Ron Defeo JR killed his entire family in 1974. Then several years later the Lutz family was traumatized by thumps, bumps and demonic ramblings (like blood in the toilet) which sent them screaming into the night. Since then the original address has been changed as well as the spooky windows to deter movie buffs from bugging those currently living in the house. This is what old Amityville Horror House looks like now.



As far as the history of the house after the Lutzes left and the bank foreclosed on the place it was purchased by James Cromarty who lived there 10 years claiming nothing weird ever happened save for movie folks driving by and breaking. Cromarty sold it to another family in 1987 who sold it in 1997 to somebody named Brian Wilson. If you want to own the house all you need is $1.5 million bucks and the unique fixer upper is all yours.

Who wants to chip in?

New Party Game: Pin The Tail On The Fucking Morons

Y'know I'm all for the kids today getting their kooky on but seriously this is fucking ridiculous. I mean how far off the reservation do you have to go to think attaching a fake tail and running around like you've been beaten to death with the Hot Topic stick. Oh and don't tell me I don't get it, I get it, it's just fucking stupid. Want to know just how stupid? Check out these Teen Wolves in action:

The Superhero Thing Has Gotten Way Out Of Fucking Control

I was willing give The Cape a try, I even thought it looked kind of cool but this, this ABC horeshit show "No Ordinary People" is another clear example of how the wrong people are now in charge of creating sci-fi and Superhero shows and films. It's not bad enough that Michael "The Shitty Thing" Chiklis is in this incredibly obvious crap show but it's basically a rip off of the Incredibles and The Fantastic Four. Here watch the shitty trailer:



I hate everything

EDGE OF DARKNESS DVD - MY REVIEW

Have you ever been stuck with a car that just won't start? You keep revving it up and it feels like it's about to start but then it dies again. So you start it again and it starts revving up again and then it dies again. Suddenly on the very last turn of the key the engine turns over and you forgot you were in drive with the gas down so you rocket forward and do heavy and unnecessary damage.

That little scenario is exactly what it's like to try and watch the Mel Gibson pot boiler Edge Of Darkness. Part revenge film, part political thriller and part high minded speech on nuclear weapons Edge Of Darkness has many parts that add up to very little.

From the opening frame you're tricked into thinking the movie is revving up for something good. Gibson plays a Boston cop (whose name I kept forgetting during the movie) who loves his "little girl" and when she gets mowed down he snaps a cork trying to bring down those who were behind it. In the first ten minutes we see his daughter vomit horribly and the revving starts but then nothing happens. We get a batch of shots featuring Gibson looking hard and driving around.

From there on the film will get started and then stall, hit you with something interesting and then leave you with more long, boring scenes of nothing. Then, without warning, the last twenty five minutes come and the movie not only starts but hits the gas and pretty much destroys anything the film might have amounted to by trying to tie up the numerous loose ends in a bow with lots of punch. At no point does this movie actually click together into something comprehensive.

Outside of my rather clever car analogy Edge Of Darkness suffers from plot strings that go nowhere, relationships that are started only to get from plot point to plot point but serving no real purpose. For instance there is a love interest for Gibson's daughter who is brought in, does nothing, and then is out of the film just to set up something else. Edge Of Darkness brings in new people at the drop of a hat and they usually serve no purpose other than the writer needed them to be there.

Another big problem is that the whole finger wagging big-business-is-bad thing allows director Martin Campbell to not only stretch believability but also bring in more characters. The plot, which starts out within reason, quickly devolves into something so over the top that it seems more like a James Bond plot than a thriller. As for the characters Campbell wants to take a shot at everybody we hate so there's a corporate asshole, a slimy senator, some "Government Guys" who are cold and say mean things, two hit men and even a "twist" involving Gibson's partner that I promise will make you laugh out loud.

Besides a gluttony of characters, a convoluted plot, too many loose ends, no pacing and an alarmingly low amount of cohesion, Edge Of Darkness also brings in a hit man character who just bops along making speeches and being cryptic for no reason. Then, as if this would make it okay, Campbell tries to make him the hero of the piece though he does it in a fashion that would even make Michael Bay say "Guys that's too much". Originally this part was supposed to be played by Robert DeNiro until he smartly backed out.

Personally I hated the last three minutes the most because it plays out like the ending of a bad episode of Cold Case. Others I've read and spoken with have said "Well at least Gibson was good" and I am clueless as to what they're talking about. Forgetting his crappy Boston accent Gibson phones this performance in from a cheap cellphone while sitting in a lead room built at the bottom of a gorge. He has no emotions other than anger and even that seems fake. Watching Gibson in this movie you'd swear that he hates acting.

Edge Of Darkness has no real idea what it wants to be or what point it's trying to prove. That fractured feeling never escapes the movie and it's made worse by the fact that film is tedious in most parts. It never gets going, it never finds a groove and when it finally does spring to life it's a giant mess that tries to do too much too fast and fails. Edge Of Darkness proves once again that all the top notch talent in the world doesn't mean you'll end up with a good movie.

ISIS Are Breaking Up...That Fucking Sucks

After 13 years, five brilliant albums and a slew of EPs the mighty band Isis has decided to call it a day. The band announced this via a blogpost where they laid out the essential reasons for the break up. Here's a snippet of what they had to say:

" Isis has reached an end. It's hard to try to say it in any delicate way, and it is a truth that is best spoken plainly. This end isn't something that occurred over night and it hasn't been brought about by a single cataclysmic fracture in the band. Simply put, ISIS has done everything we wanted to do, said everything we wanted to say. In the interest of preserving the love we have of this band, for each other, for the music made and for all the people who have continually supported us, it is time to bring it to a close. We've seen too many bands push past the point of a dignified death and we all promised one another early on in the life of the band that we would do our best to ensure ISIS would never fall victim to that syndrome. We've had a much longer run than we ever expected we would and accomplished a great deal more than we ever imagined possible."

Isis is currently on tour and the last show (their last show) will take place on June 23rd in Montreal QB at Club Soda, the site of the band's very first show thirteen years ago. The band's latest album "Wavering Radiant" is out now and their tour schedule is as follows:

May 26, 2010 The Casbah, San Diego, CA w/ Jakob & Tombs
May 29, 2010 WOW Hall, Eugene, OR w/ Jakob & Tombs
May 30, 2010 Capitol Theater, Olympia, WA w/ Jakob & Tombs
May 31, 2010 Rickshaw Theatre, Vancouver, BC w/ Jakob & Tombs
June 01, 2010 Neumo's, Seattle, WA w/ Jakob & Tombs
June 02, 2010 Doug Fir Lounge, Portland, OR w/ Jakob & Tombs
June 04, 2010 Great American Music Hall, San Francisco, CA w/ Jakob & Tombs
June 05, 2010 The Troubadour, Los Angeles, CA w/ Jakob & Tombs
June 12, 2010 Bonaroo Music Festival w/ Melvins, Clutch, The Flaming Lips, etc.
June 14, 2010 40 Watt Club, Athens, GA w/ Melvins
June 16, 2010 9:30 Club, Washington, DC w/ Melvins
June 17, 2010 Theater Of Living Arts (TLA), Philadelphia, PA w/ Melvins
June 18, 2010 Webster Hall, New York, NY w/ Melvins
June 19, 2010 Music Hall Of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY w/ Melvins
June 20, 2010 Paradise Rock Club, Boston, MA w/ Melvins
June 21, 2010 Paradise Rock Club, Boston, MA w/ Melvins
June 22, 2010 Port City Music Hall, Portland, ME w/ Cave In
June 23, 2010 Club Soda, Montreal, QB w/ Cave In

For me this is a sad day simply because the world of extreme and experimental music lost a giant and with so much conformity and general mediocrity in music a loss like this is really felt. I wish the band members all the best and at the very least I have the records to enjoy over and over again.

To read the complete statement from the band go to the Isis Blog

DC UNIVERSE LEGACIES Preview

It's a good day for comic book previews. This is the ten part series that goes back into the history of the DC Heroes spanning five generations of from the dawn of the Mystery Men to present day.

In this first issue the Second World War rages on, giving birth to a new breed of hero. Caped and masked urban myths become legends as they emerge from the shadows to earn their place in history. Meanwhile, explore the bizarre new heroes Dr. Fate and The Spectre and learn whether their powers are real...or imagined.

Check out the preview HERE

SUPERMAN/BATMAN #72 Preview

Here's an awesome preview for the upcoming Superman/Batman #72 penned by legendary comic scribe Paul Levitz. Superman's godlike presence on another world is being distorted by Lex Luthor while zealous followers of the man of steel are looking to make human sacrifices in his name on Earth. Can Batman save the first victim.

Dig the preview HERE

Trailer For The NBS Show THE CAPE.....And It Looks Kinda Good

Thus far, with the exception of a rare few all TV shows based on the idea of Superheroes have sucked. From the sixties Batman show, to Captain America, Birds Of Prey, Dark Angel, and the ever busted and god awful Heroes, it's all been a mess. With that in mind this new trailer for The Cape actually looks kind of good. Sure it'll be cheesy and it may fall flat but this at the very least looks promising. Oh and the retina burning Summer Glau is in it, hence the photo.

Plus the center of the fucking show isn't a goddamn cheerleader.

DIO RIP

Man this just hasn't been a good few months for metal.

First we lost Pete Steele, then Frank Frazetta and now the man himself Dio. Dio succumbed this week to stomach cancer after thirty plus years being one of the truest people out there. Dio was metal, he was what the entire idea of metal was all about. He sang about the mystical, the fantastic, he kept the choruses anthemic and never took himself too seriously. Some considered Dio cheesy but those were people who missed the point of what metal really was. There's a reason the diminutive singer had fans ranging from Black Metal lovers all the way to bad Nu-Metal devotees. Simply put Dio kicked a whole lot of fucking ass and he had the pipes to back all of his shit up in spades.

I'm not gonna front here and say I knew about Dio from back in the Black Sabbath days, I'm just not that old school. The first time I ever heard of Dio was when the metal kid at school brought in a cassette of the album Holy Diver. I looked at that cover with the demon tossing a chained up priest into the ocean and I was sold. It helped that the music was pretty damn awesome and I remember getting my dad to buy me the cassette so I could look at the cover while listening to Dio sing about Rainbows In The Dark. It didn't matter that I had no idea what "Ride the tiger, you can see his stripes but you know he's clean" meant, I was just enthralled with music and the visuals.

To be one hundred percent honest while I dug Dio's work with Sabbath I never considered it Black Sabbath. Those records always sounded like Dio stuff to me, which was fine even though that proclamation got me yelled at by many a metal head. I'll also confess that for many years I turned my back on Dio when I was too busy being Punk Rock or Hip Hop or I launched myself into only liking super brutal metal. Eventually as I got older and my pretensions faded I came back into the fold and realized how incredibly awesome Dio really was.

Outside of his obvious talent the thing about Dio that was so strong was how real he was. I interviewed him twice during the MTV days and the man was always humble, funny and obviously dedicated to heavy metal. The genre was never a stepping stone for him like so many others and he never sold out his dignity for cash like say...gosh....um....Ozzy. When I finally saw Dio play at a Sabbath reunion it was one of my all time favorite shows. Not just because it rocked but because Dio elbowed the shit out of some gigantic fan who got too close to him. Dio might have been small but he took no shit from anybody.

Let's also get one thing straight, Dio invented the metal horns so Gene Simmons can shut his fucking trap now and forever. Unlike Gene or Ozzy or others Dio always kept true to his word, his music and his fans. He never faked the funk, never changed up his style or went super pop, he just existed as he always had, as Dio. It still pisses me off that a man like Dio can get struck with stomach cancer while Phil Anselmo and Fred Durst continue to walk the Earth. The only thing that makes me feel better is Dio is now in a band with Pete Steele, Dimebag, Cliff Burton, Hendrix and Phil Lynott. How fucking rocking must heaven be right now?

So to Dio, from all of us who loved what you did and who you were I salute you.

Metal Horns Up From Us All!!

FRANK FRAZETTA RIP

When I was a kid my grandfather used to work in a distribution house. Essentially that means that when publishers sent off their products they went to where my Grandfather worked and from there he got them to newsstands, grocery stores, etc. Having that kind of first run access is what introduced me to the world of comic books and fantasy magazines. I remember being about 14 or 15 and coming across a few books about Conan The Barbarian. I wasn't a big Conan fan but the covers caught my eye instantly. They were unlike anything I'd ever seen before, these larger than life figures with swords, tigers, dragons and pretty girls scantily clothed. I loved the covers so much I took the books home and became a life long fan of Conan.

The artist that brought me into that world was Frank Frazetta, a man who is one of the few that is actually in a league of his own. Nobody painted the way Frazetta did and though many have attempted his style none came close. It wasn't enough for Frazetta to be a master of the human form he was also a master of elevating that into something superhuman. Without becoming cheesy or laughable Frazetta's heroes were always the perfect specimen of what a hero should look like. When you viewed one of his paintings on the cover of a book you instantly had to know what was happening on the inside. Many times the paintings that Frazetta presented on the covers were infinitely more interesting than the books themselves.



The thing that truly separated Frazetta from the rest was how his art rose from simply paintings to an institution, a genre all unto itself. I remember being young and trying to describe movies like Sword And The Sorcerer or Dragonslayer and telling my friends it had a real "Frank Frazetta feel to it". Instantly my friends knew what I meant though each of their interpretations of his work were different. For my generation he was fantasy, he was what mythological worlds looked like, he took all of us to places we wanted to go to have adventures we dreamed about.

When I was surly teenager traveling around with graffiti kids bombing trains and tagging I kept my love of fantasy and sci-fi to myself. That was until I saw a documentary on graffiti titled Style Wars where one of the artists profiled was looking at a movie poster and said loudly "You know who that is right? Frank Frazettaaaaaaa". Seeing a kid steeped in the urban world give props to the man I knew his reach was far beyond just fantasy and sci-fi. I even began to notice other artists using Frazetta style work on their pieces. As I got older I began to really understand that art like his was something that comes along very, very rarely.



With Frazetta's passing we've not only lost a giant in the art world but also one of the few remaining true legends of the craft. It's too bad his shitty kids turned the last years of his life into a circus but greed usually fucks everything up. I can only hope that Frank Frazetta knew how much he was adored by his fans and how many young artists and writers he inspired to do what they do. I like to think of it this way, most other artist are but shadows while Frank Frazetta was the sun.

For an awesome documentary about the man check out Frank Frazetta: Painting With Fire

Now I Have To Respect Shia LaBeouf---FUCK

Morrissey once said "It takes strength to be gentle and kind" and me, well, I never really listened to that advice. I love being cynical and hating on Hollywood, it brings me closer to the scum that slowly ruin art and everything else. Now while I haven't full on attacked Shia LeBeaouf (mainly because his name translates to God's Side Of Beef) I have slapped him around a bit. Now, after his recent interview at the Cannes Film Festival I'm afraid I have to respect the guy.

LaBeaouf's interviews are incredibly candid and honest, something you never see ever from Hollywood actors. They usually break their backs blowing themselves or they defend some slop ass shit film they've done to their dying breath. Not Labeaouf, he stook the bull by the horns and spoke from the heart. Check out some of these quotes:

ON INDIANA JONES AND THE CRYSTAL SKULL AND STEVEN SPIELBERG:

“You get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on Steven [Spielberg, who directed]. But the actor’s job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn’t do it. So that’s my fault. Simple.”

“I think if you don’t acknowledge it, then why do they trust you the next time you’re promoting a movie?” LaBeouf went on to say he wasn’t the only star on the film who felt that way. “We [Harrison Ford and LaBeouf] had major discussions. He wasn’t happy with it either. Look, the movie could have been updated. There was a reason it wasn’t universally accepted.”

Asked whether this was difficult to say, given his deep relationship with Spielberg, LaBeouf continued with the directness. “I’ll probably get a call. But he needs to hear this. I love him. I love Steven. I have a relationship with Steven that supersedes our business work. And believe me, I talk to him often enough to know that I’m not out of line. And I would never disrespect the man. I think he’s a genius, and he’s given me my whole life. He’s done so much great work that there’s no need for him to feel vulnerable about one film. But when you drop the ball you drop the ball.”

LaBeouf added, “We need to be able to satiate the appetite,” he said. “I think we just misinterpreted what we were trying to satiate.”

ON TRANSFORMERS 2:

"When I saw the second movie, I wasn't impressed with what we did. There were some really wild stunts in it, but the heart was gone; we got lost. We tried to get bigger. It's what happens to sequels. It's like, how do you top the first one? You've got to go bigger. Mike went so big that it became too big, and I think you lost the anchor of the movie. ... You lost a bit of the relationships. Unless you have those relationships, then the movie doesn't matter. Then it's just a bunch of robots fighting each other."

See what I mean, honesty...whooda thunk it?