THOR-My Review

Thor was never going to be an easy movie to make. Unlike Iron Man, Batman, or The Incredible Hulk, Thor is a movie that takes place in two worlds. The fabled city of Asgard on one side and Earth on the other. From the outset director Kenneth Branagh had his work cut out for him and as Thor took shape, I became nervous. I wasn’t sold on the casting of Anthony Hopkins as Odin and I had zero desire to watch Chris Hemsworth botch the role of Thor. It seemed that the entire project would be just another stepping stone to the big Avengers film due in 2012. That didn’t happen, well, not entirely.

Thor is a mess, but an entertaining mess. The problems with the film come mainly from a lack of focus in the script and time spent in the wrong world. The story is simple. At the beginning Thor is an arrogant brute who starts a war with the Frost Giants for no real reason. His actions raise the ire of his father Odin who casts Thor and his hammer Mjöllnir out of Asgard, dumping both on Earth. It’s in the Earth realm that Thor learns humility and how to be a great king. If the script had stayed as simple as the idea, Thor might have been the best superhero movie since Dark Knight. Instead Thor becomes mired in Hollywood clichés and pacing problems.

The beginning of the film is flawless. Branagh knows how to direct an epic. The battles, staging, and direction of the Asgard opener are perfect comic book fare with a real respect for the source material. My initial fears of Hopkins and Hemsworth were quickly relieved. Hopkins is actually quite convincing as the all father Odin and Hemsworth knocks Thor out of the park. I wanted to hate him in the part but I just couldn’t. Not only does he nail the God Like swagger of Thor, but he also makes the Thor costume look really cool. The Frost Giants are well executed, as is the opening battle. Once Thor is banished to Earth the films problems begin.

When Thor gets to Earth he meets Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and her little crew of scientists. In the comics Jane Foster is the nurse girlfriend of Donald Blake, the man who can summon Thor by smashing his cane to the ground. For the film Jane Foster is no longer a nurse but an astrophysicist studying something that changes every time the plot needs it to. To be honest they never really explain what it is she’s doing or why her team is stationed in a small town in New Mexico.

Naturally a romance blossoms between Foster and Thor, one that helps teach Thor about humility. Portman is awful in this role. Calling her performance one-note is an insult to all the one-note actresses out there. There is zero chemistry between her and Hemsworth, absolutely nothing outside of the forced romance to move the plot along. Then there’s Kat Dennings as Brandy, the plucky comic relief, who utters things like “He was freaking me out” and takes pictures of Thor for Facebook. Brandy is so unnecessary and annoying I was rooting for her to die first. Stellan Skarsgard is wasted as the father-figure scientist who has absolutely nothing to do.

The Earth stuff fails to connect because it never rises above plot devices used to get from point A to point B. Thor’s relationship with Jane Foster and her band of merry scientists goes nowhere. The audience is supposed to buy that Thor is learning humility from this relationship but there’s no connection with the characters so you never become invested in it. The same can be said for the small town that Thor tries to lay his life down to save. The thunder god never interacts with the town so when he fights for it, it rings false. If Thor had become part of the town, learning little lessons about compassion and humanity from every citizen, the battle for the town would have had a greater impact.

Another glaring problem with the Earth section is the arrival of S.H.I.E.L.D. When Mjöllnir crash lands, it embeds itself into the Earth and only one who is worthy can remove it. A bunch of rednecks find it and a tailgate party emerges involving drunken yahoos attempting to remove the hammer. At one point Stan Lee tries to do pull Mjöllnir from the Earth with a truck, failing miserably. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives and tells them all it’s a satellite crash and everybody agrees and clears out. Nobody says, “Um, but it’s a hammer.” Essentially S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives so Thor can learn the location of his hammer and, when he can’t pull it from the ground, falls to his knees humbled. It also gave a nice arena to debut the character of Hawkeye. Like I said, everything happens just to move the story along.

What saves Thor is the action in Asgard and performances of the Asgard cast. I was particularly impressed with Tom Hiddleston as Loki. His performance is layered enough to actually elicit sympathy, even in the middle of his dastardly deeds. Thor’s crew of warriors also plays their parts with an eye towards restraint. For instance Jamie Alexander ‘s portrayal of Sif never panders to blatant sexuality. It’s obvious she’s beautiful, but Alexander never gives any “go girl” looks or “come hither” stares. That decision allows her character’s warrior status to be believable. All of Thor’s crew manage to, for lack of a better term, humanize their parts There was a lot of trepidation about Idris Elba portraying Heimdall, but rest assured, he is awesome.

Anybody who is excited to stay after the credits for the big scene that leads into The Avengers, skip it. It’s true that it contains the Cosmic Cube and a nice set up for the Avengers movie, but it’s really nothing you can’t read about or wait to see on line. For comic book fans, pay attention to a billboard in the small town for a cool nod to the first comic book appearance of Thor

Essentially Thor suffers from the same thing most of Marvel’s recent comic movies do, lack of a 2nd act. Iron Man and Hulk both started and ended with a bang but sagged in the middle. I know this will bring some boos from the gallery, but I enjoyed Thor much more than I did either of the Iron Man films. Both had pacing issues, both had action that saved the films and both had plot points that sucked. With Thor, at least to me, there was somebody to root for. Hemsworth’s thunder god is sympathetic, even charming. Where Robert Downey JR was mainly a smarmy, egotistical dick, Hemsworth’s Thor comes across as an actual hero.

Is Thor a perfect comic book movie? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes

Look What I Found: Alvin

This is some weird Alvin toy from Alvin And The Chipmunks. I found it on a bench outside a Bob Evans. It's supposed to make some kind of sound but it doesn't.

Look What I Found: Clone Trooper

This is a Clone Trooper kids toy. I found it in the parking lot of Smash Burger.

Existensial Star Wars....In French

Brilliant doesn't even begin to cover this. Thanks to the folks over at Topless Robot for this incredible video.

POLY STYRENE PASSES AWAY

My lifelong obsession with punk rock girls started with just a few. Exene Cervenka, Dale Bozzio (yeah I know she beat cats but this was before that), Chere Currie, Joan Jett and Poly Styrene. These were girls that were beautiful but also pissed, spirited and incredibly talented. They inspired me with their music and, as I said, allowed me to develop my crush on punk rock girls across the board. This week Poly Styrene passed away at 53 after a battle with cancer. This was not only a loss to music but to the idea of non-conformity.

Stryene, whose given name is Marianne Elliot-Said, put together X-Ray Spex after releasing a reggae single in 1976 on GTO. Like most early punks, Said was inspired after seeing the Sex Pistols, so she put an ad out and the X-Ray Spex were born. The band only released one album, Germ Free Adolescents, which instantly became a classic and one of my personal favorites. There was a passion in the album, same as other punk bands, but it lacked the pretentious bullshit sneer that so much British punk suffered from.

After the band broke up Ms. Said stepped out of the spotlight and focused on battling personal demons including Bi-polar Disorder. She never stopped creating and being an outspoken voice against conformity or letting woman assume a certain role in the world of music. The later X-Ray Spex reunion and album wasn't the big return they wanted but it proved Ms. Said could still kick ass.

I've played the band's album all day and my thoughts go out to Ms Said's daughter and other family members. She was a hero to a movement and lit a path that many have followed. She will be missed.

RIP Poly Styrene

PHOEBE SNOW PASSES AWAY

When I was a little kid my first pangs of musical interest were set by my father. He was always listening to something, usually country or show tunes, sometimes blues and even a few rock jams in there. One artist he was particularly fond of was Phoebe Snow. He played her records constantly and I began to get wooed by Ms. Snow's magical voice. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a fan at the age of six but I do remember her name being bandied about at parties and get togethers my parents had.

As I got older and started appreciating music full time, I went back to Ms. Snow's recordings and really became a fan. I also found great respect for her story, leaving an incredibly promising career to tend to her daughter Valerie who was born with severe brain damage. Ms Snow would release the occasional album but she didn't tour and didn't push herself. In 2008 Valerie passed away and Ms. Snow returned to her career to try and deal with the pain. Recently she suffered a brain hemorrhage and complications from that ended her life at sixty.

I remain a fan of Phoebe Snow and incredibly respectful of her story. She was a great talent with a beautiful voice. She will be missed.

Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About

After many many months on hold, I'm back with five news items I could give a flying fuck about.




5. Lord Of The Rings Movies To Return In June To Theaters

I know I'm alone in the world but I really didn't like the Lord Of The Rings films. I tried, I worked really hard to try and be down with the hype but at the end of it all, as my good friend Andy says, it was 9 plus hours of people walking uphill and bitching. Then, for some reason I still can't figure out, the uncut versions were released and suddenly it was 12 hours of uphill bitching. Now, in order to juice the last bit of money possible from these dry ass movies (thanks Steve Harvey), AMC Theaters will be re-releasing all the movies again for people to sit and stare at. I'm sure lots of pissed off Nerds will be heading home to build a bomb for my car for saying this. Hopefully I'll have 12 hours to make my escape as these idiots pour over the re-release of Uphill Bitching Featuring Bling....oh, I mean Lord Of The Rings.





4. Double Bilbo Action

I know, I know, a second Lord Of The Rings shot seems mean spirited but I gotta be me. Apparently now, besides whatever actor is sabotaging his career by becoming part of a movie that's had more hold ups than South Central Los Angeles by playing the young Bilbo Baggins, Ian Holm will return to play old Bilbo. I'm assuming as book ends to this upcoming Hobbit movie. This will probably bring the whole told massacre to fifteen hours. My favorite was how Peter Jackson swore he would never do the Hobbit. Apparently the big monkey failure was enough to make him re-think that. Whatever, who cares?





3. More Faster And More Furiouser Fiver Or Sixer

So as America continues its journey to show the world it is the stupidest nation in the world, the fine citizens have decided to really push the goal forward but making More Faster And More Furiouser Part Five a super success. Apparently muscle bound cavemen talking tough and flashing guns while blowing shit up is what America wants to see. Now, on the heels of this shit storm comes news that the "actors" from this abortion of a franchise will return for another installment. The only way I'd watch this movie is if Vin Diesel admitted the truth and spent the entire film dressed like Captain Caveman and shouted that at the start of every car chase.





2. Bill & Ted 3 Has A Script

Seriously? Really? Didn't the utter failure of Scream 4 teach any of these Hollywood scum that nobody gives a rampant shit about a sequel twenty years later. First of all this is Bill And Ted.....I'll say that again....Bill And Ted. There was no reason for the first sequel and this makes even less sense. Are the old now? Did Wild Stallions become the biggest band ever? How will they replace George Carlin? No matter what it is, it isn't a movie that needs to be made.






1. The Avengers Started Shooting And This Was A Publicity Still

I'm not particularly pissed that The Avengers started filming because I've gone on and on about my problems with the film. My biggest issue is this shitty nudge-nudge-wink-wink photo with directors chairs for the members of the team. Really? Fuck you Marvel, just make the movie and stop being cutesy. You don't care about comic book fans, you don't care about comic books, so stop pretending you're "down".

Later
Iann

Snow White All Over

This is a photo of a girl with an all over Snow White back piece. From this angle you can tell she's probably really hot and has a great sense of humor and loves Disney. Best part is if you're lucky enough to fuck her from behind and she's into it, you can bust a nut on either Snow White's face or the Evil Witch.

AWESOME

Eatin' Gelato, Eatin Gelato, Eatin Gelato, Stare At The Wall

This is a most awesome sticker from one of my favorite places in Cincinnati, Dojo Gelato. Not only is their gelato amazing, but it comes in really interesting flavors. My personal favorite is either Mexican Vanilla or Cap'N'Crunch. I mostly get my tastings from Findlay Market, I've never been to the actual Dojo Gelato store. If you live in the area or you're visiting definitely check them out.

http://www.dojogelato.com/

THE BREAKOUT KINGS

So I watched a couple of episodes of this new show called The Breakout Kings. The plot centers on a group of convicts that are brought into a special program to help cops find other convicts that have broken out of prison. The gist is that each convict they help catch will shave some time off of their own sentence. So week in and week out the show opens with some type of prison break and then our heroic team takes them down. The first time I watched it, I hated it. I decided I'd watch it a few more times just to make sure I hated it. Yep, the show is awful.

For the last few months I've been convinced that Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior is the most melodramatic and badly written show on TV. Turns out I was wrong. True Suspect Behavior is awful (Forest Whitaker should get an Emmy for Ham Of The Year within a subcatagory of Look At Me Look At Me) but at least it's not cliche to the point of being unbearable. The Breakout Kings feels less like a show and more like something put together via focus groups and marketing meetings. Toss in a rousing game of darts, where producers throw them at cliched character profiles to see who is who, and you start to get the idea.

First of all there's the plot. Is anybody else out there tired of these "Special Program" film and shows? It seems like nobody in law enforcement can do anything on their own so they have to bring in Special Programs. This special program makes less sense than all of them. Show in and show out the convicts don't do much but add comedy relief and look good. Thus far not one convict insight has helped do much but edge the plot along slowly.

The characters are also incredibly cliche. It's to a point that you wonder if maybe this show is performance art and they know how bad it is. Here's a breakdown of the cast. I don't remember character names, that's how bad the show is.

Black Cop Leader: Head of the "Special Program". Incredibly well dressed and groomed especially for a cop's salary. He is the smooth alpha male leader, equipped with street tough one liners and yet careful insight. He has his demons to battle but he's really a good cop with a dark view who wants to do right.

White Cop Flunky: He's the Joe Beer Drinker aspect of the cast. Big, burly, badly dressed and unshaven, he's the guy who goes to the cop bar, a real one-of-the-guys type. Tough and with bad attitude but deep down loves his partner and wants to do right. Uses terms in a bad New York accent such as "Scumbag" and "Dirtbag".

Black Convict One: Good looking, street smart but with an educated edge to him. He gets the streets and is the super alpha male of the group of convicts. Always says the right thing and his no-nonsense logic is supposedly vital to whatever it is the team is doing.

Hot White Chick: The girl who is too hot and too well put together to be a convict unless she was arrested in Milan for impersonating a model. She's way too street tough to have the manicure and haircut she has. She always bests the guys with that "Go Girl" sneer and when she beats them she always gives that come-hither look. Probably the most unbelievable character in the cast.

Smart White Guy Nerd: Hacker with cool haircut (apparently they style hair in prison) who is socially awkward and incredibly smart. This combination makes it okay for everybody in the cast to pick on and insult him. He also is always quoting some kind of "Nerd Thing".

Hot White Secretary: Bumbling and awkward, we know she's not hot because she has her hair in a bun and wears glasses. Obviously if you stripped away the painfully over-compensating demure outfit she's a raging hot lady but once again Hair-in-bun-and-glasses. She serves no purpose other than to have another hot chick in the show.

On top of the bad characters there's also really bad dialog. The White Cop "Howyadoin" guy refers to the convicts as animals and you get lots of "You're not out here to do (insert something), you're here to do what we tell you), or some variation of that. Lots of quick quips from the convicts as they engage in banter with their opressor cops. The criminals are usually one dimensional, either way too good looking serial killers or violent offenders who stay too quiet or make too much noise to actually be violent.

The worst are the outlandish prison breaks. If these idiots could really plan something that extravagant and well executed, I doubt they'd be in prison. Breakout Kings also tries too hard to be edgy and cool. Usually that kind of things comes out naturally through the stories and characters e.g. The Killing or Supernatural or Breaking Bad. Here it's like watching CHIPS as seen through the camera lense of an NYU graduate that spent most of his life making in-store videos for French Connection or Ambercrombe. I realize it's the first season but thus far the Breakout Kings can't escape from it's own cliched characters and plot devices.