Uma Thurman Is Worth Less Than A Blu-Ray Player

Oh man this is too rich, this is the kinda shit that makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. Remember when Uma Thurman was a big deal? Think back, it might take a second but you'll get there. Remember how her scenes in The Adventures Of Baron Munchoussen forced any living male to instantly begin masturbating or how she was super cool drug addict in Pulp Fiction? Well sorry Uma, those days are fucking over. Outside of making Kill Bill (the first boring samurai movie) Thurman hasn't done much, well there was My Super Ex-Girlfriend but who knows somebody might have had pictures of her blowing goats to force into that one.

Anyhoo recently Uma tried to go the indie route with the movie "Motherhood", a film where she plays a successful yuppie trying to balance motherhood, work and life in New York in one of those "Gosh that was clever" puke indie films. In order to gain buzz for the movie (which is industry speak for they know it sucks and will try anything) the clever marketing team opened the movie in one theater in the UK. The idiotic idea here had something to do with this wacky move somehow getting word of mouth out for the movie. I'm guessing the industry folks were seeing lines around the corner with trendy Brits sipping coffee and talking about how much they want to see this film.

Instead the movie sold one ticket it's opening day and made 88 pounds the entire weekend. 88 pounds equals out to roughly $131 bucks.

Now that's some funny shit.

Yeah, Chris Evans Totally Works As Captain America...My Bad

BRO, DUDE, I TOTALLY ROOOCK AS THE CAP-MAN. PASS THE SHOTS BITCHES!!


If you're like me and you actually read comics then you were also one of the may not amped on the fact that Chris Evans had been chosen to play Captain America in no less than nine movies. Backing off from how stupid it is to pre-order somebody to step up for nine movies let's focus on how bad a choice Chris Evans was for Captain America. Remember how badly he portrayed the Human Torch? How he stripped him of any charm and just made Torch a frat cunt you wanted dead? How about the whole tortured funny guy in Push, another craptacular acting job. So why make this chump Captain America? Well, a lot of folks said it's because he looks the part.

Now the above poster is not actual nor is it official, in fact it's just a fan mock up, but the point is made. Look how bad Evans looks in the Captain America suit. He looks like some date raping football star on Halloween out to get laid. I'm supposed to believe this guy can command Robert Downey JR as Iron Man or the guy the got to play Thor? Outside of commanding other meatheads to rush the line of scrimmage Evans doesn't look like he could command shit.

Nice going Marvel, way to fuck it up.

I hate everything.

BUTCH CASSIDY RIDES AGAIN?

For those who've never seen the classic western Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid (shame on you) there is a pivotal ending spoiler that I'm going to give away simply because it'll make the ridiculous sequel idea seem even more so. During a big shoot out at the end of the film both Butch and Sundance are shot to shit and killed. I don't mean questionably so I mean you see the bullets riddle their bodies as the movie draws to a close. Outside of that the actor who original played Butch Cassidy, Paul Newman, has shuffled off this mortal coil so is no longer around to play the character. Keeping that shit in mind let's ask ourselves a mathmatical word problem:

How many pounds of Crystal Meth would one have to smoke in order to forget those details and actually think to pitch a fucking sequel?

Don't know the answer? Well true believers neither do I, mostly because our logical brains can't wrap around something so incredibly stupid. Fear not though because the answer apparently lays with director Mateo Gil and actor Sam Shepard. See Mateo has concocted this idea that somehow between the massive bullet wounds and medical science being akin to witch doctors in that era Butch Cassidy managed to get out and make it to......wait for it......BOLIVIA. Now residing in the quaint outback of Bolivia Cassidy wants to pull off one more robbery to afford himself a ticket home. Oddly enough Sundance didn't make it through the shoot out so he's all dead and done with in this sequel.

This is a Hollywood move I just don't get. Usually these walking piles of poison vomit do anything to make a buck but here they've screwed the pooch but good. First off the original movie is long over so there is no hunger for a sequel. Secondly it told a wonderful and complete story, leaving no opening for anything else. This abortion of a film is just a shitty western robbery flick with Butch Cassidy attached to it. It could've been called Western Pete and The Open Trail or Cowboy Steve Rustles Him Some Vittles and nobody would've blinked. This doesn't continue the story of Butch Cassidy at all, it just slaps his name on something that clearly sucks. Even if this stupid movie made sense in the continuity of the story Paul Newman is fucking dead, he can't be in it. If a sequel is being made and does not include the original cast members then clearly those working on the film don't care, as these people don't. Shame on you Sam Shepard, shame on you.

I have an idea, why not take the old Mr. T cartoon series and apply it here. Have an old Butch Cassidy going around America training young people to be train robbers but in between they solve mysteries and thwart crime. and call it Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kids.

I hate everything.

DICK GIORDANO DIES...THIS FUCKING SUCKS

With so many crappy artists out there wreaking havoc on the comic book industry, it blows massive chunks to wake up to the news that DC Comics icon Dick Giordano has died at the age of 77. For those who don't know Giordano he was a major force behind the rejuvenation of DC Comics in the 70s and I'd lay bets he's one of the major reasons DC was able to start matching Marvel Comics as far as content and art were concerned. Giordano wasn't a glory hound, nor was he basking in the spotlight of DC's return but if not for him the return either would not have happened or not at all to such a degree.

You have to understand Giordano's inking ability brought a certain depth and realism to the pencils happening in the 70s, a realism that raised the bar as to what could be done. Outside of his incredible art Giordano would help to bring the Charlton Comics characters over to DC (he had worked there previous) and without those characters there would have been no Watchman. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons based their Watchmen on the Charlton Comics characters and if the work done by Giordano, Adams, Denis O'Neil, and the ilk hadn't been done in the 70s, a book like Watchman could never have come out.

Giordano was also the man behind some of the greatest titles ever to hit the streets. Green Lantern/Green Arrow, Superman Vs Muhammad Ali, Superman Vs Spider-Man (the first Marvel/DC crossover), Crisis On Infinite Earths, and the inks during John Byrne's classic Superman run. Outside of that he also helped to make Aquaman (one of my favorites) less hokey as well as bringing his talents to books like Wonder Woman and JLA. None of the art that made the 70s & 80s era of comics books so magical would have worked as well without Dick Giordano, that's simply fact.

Personally I idolized the man because he was part of the team that brought Batman back from the brink. See I'm a Batman guy, before any other heroes ever entered my life I was hooked on the Dark Knight. I bought my first issue in 1977 and I've been hooked ever since. Even during the days when money or room kept me from collecting I would always stop by the comic shop (or drug store in the early days) to make sure I was on top of what was up with Batman. As I got older and began looking into the history of the character I became sickened at what Batman went through during the Silver Age. The art was lame, the stories corny and slowly all the darkness of the Dark Knight was ebbed away, culminating in that goddamn motherfucking shtiheap TV series.

Then along comes Neal Adams (Art), Denny O'Niel (writer) and Dick Giordano (Inks) to save Batman. They understood what Bob Kane (creator of Batman) had intended with the original run. A lone, twisted, dark and sinister creature of the night, a weirdo with a thirst for revenge. That team brought out the detective side of Batman, the dark side and the violent side. They also helped breathe new life into Batman's rouges gallery, a gallery that is still unparalleled today. If not for these men I would never have gotten into Batman, a title that helped me through some really bad spots in my life as well as providing me with at least one hero who wouldn't let me down.

So Mr. Giordano I wish you all the best in the next world and I hope you know just how much you have done to enrich all of our lives, especially mine.

BATMAN BRAVE & THE BOLD RATCHETS UP THE AWESOME

Ever since my beloved Sara introduced me to the world of Batman The Animated series I have been a ginormous fan of Kevin Conroy as the one and only true voice of Batman. So you can imagine my get down excitement when I discovered that tonight was the episode of Batman Brave And The Bold where original Batman teams up with the Batman from Zur-En-Arrh who is voiced by KEVIN FUCKING CONROY!!! Here's a clip

2010 AIDS Walk & Awesome KEITH HARING Shirt

This one has a particularly interesting meaning for me on two strong and yet totally different levels. The first is the AIDS Walk, which I've done before in memory of my father Ronald Thomas Robinson who was snatched from this world by AIDS in 1995. My father was an incredible human being, brilliant writer and somebody I was privileged to know much less be able to call my dad. His death was a grueling hell for him and now fifteen years later I see how much all of the advancements in both prevention and treatment of AIDS has helped others not go through what my father did. That's what makes this walk so important, it's also sad that I can't be in the city he loved so much to participate only because I live in Boston.

The other interesting thing here is the shirt offered for those contributing more than $50. Long ago my friend Topher and I met Keith Haring at his Pop Shop in NYC where he was signing autographs. I brought him an old white Adidas shirt I had which he drew a figure on and then signed. He was so completely generous and cool with his time and I loved that shirt for years. Sadly my first wife, evil whore cunt that she was, threw it away as a means of getting back at me because I was pissed she was out with some strange guy. I know, I'm a real bastard. Anyhoo, here are some details on the event:

Join the fight against AIDS and remember Keith Haring. 2010 Marks the 20th anniversary of Keith’s untimely death from AIDS. Please lend your support by making a donation to the 2010 AIDS Walk in his memory. If you donate $50 or more AND you walk on May 16th, you will receive a unique, limited edition t-shirt featuring artwork by Shepard Fairey based on a portrait of Keith by Patrick McMullan, shirts donated by OBEY Clothing.

To sign up as part of the Keith Haring Team and get the shirt click KEITH HARING.

SCOTT PILGRIM TRAILER

Yeah I know this trailer is old news but I wanted it on here so I could access it quicker. Let me start off by calming down the hoards that will start screaming "sell out" because I approve of the trailer. I fully understand that I've been knocking the comic book for a long time and y'know what, I still don't like it. The art is crappy, the writing blocky and stilted and personally the idea of some chick saying "to be with me you have to battle my exes" makes me sick. Scott should pull off to the side of the road and dump this egotistical bitch at the next taco bell truck stop. Let her fuck around trying to lay down the law with horny truckers and see how far her pink hair gets her.

That being said I like the movie trailer, a lot. I dig Edgar Wright's direction and the chick they got to play the pink haired damsel is wicked hot, she's like my high school dream girl come to life. To me the whole thing just looks like a good time and might even smooth out some of the troubles I had with the comic. Regardless here's the trailer.

SAUL BASS TRON & LOST Opening Credits

For those who aren't hip to the ways of Saul Bass he is the man who brought a new swing and style to the world of openign credits for such giants as Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick. Bass has rocked his vision for movie like The Man with the Golden Arm (1955), The Seven Year Itch (1955), Around the World in Eighty Days (1956), Vertigo (1958), Anatomy of a Murder (1958), North by Northwest (1959), Psycho (1960), Spartacus (1960), Exodus (1960), Ocean’s Eleven (1960), West Side Story (1961), It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963), Broadcast News (1987), Big (1988), Goodfellas (1990), Cape Fear (1991 )and Casino (1995). His minimalist style and ability to put the vision to music made him a real unsung hero. A while back a fan designed the opening to Star Wars in a Saul Bass fashion and now we get TRON and LOST. DIG IT!!


TRON:

Tron vs. Saul Bass from Hexagonall on Vimeo.

LOST:

Lost vs. Saul Bass from Hexagonall on Vimeo.

What an awesome way to kick start the weekend!!

JURASSIC PARK Returns In Comic Book Form

WHICH ONE OF YOU PRICKS PUT ME IN JURASSIC PARK II!!


Remember Jurassic Park, the original? Think back, way back, really let the mind travel to that era. Got it? Good, now try and remember how good that film was. Funny, exciting, a real classic Steven Spielberg thrill ride. Jump ahead many years and what are we left with? The taste of two god awful sequels nearly washing out the sumptuous flavors of the original. Many of us had thought (and prayed) that Jurassic Park would just go the way of the dinosaur but in recent years rumors started to spill about there being another movie. It was on it was off it was on it was off, the movie became like a virgin on prom night making promises to her boyfriend about the back of the limo. Now it looks like Jurassic Park fans will have to settle for a hand job in the alley behind the gymnasium because the next Jurassic Park sequel will be in comic book form.

Yep, apparently the dinosaurs will roam the earth again but betwixt the pages of an IDW series. The plot is as follows: It’s been 13 years since little Tim and Lex Murphy escaped from the island of Isla Nublar, and recent public opinion has reversed,with the world clamoring for authorities to re-open Jurassic Park! While Tim and Lex try to preserve the Hammond family name, a secret deal is hatched to open a new park! This time they’ll get it right… right?. It's being scripted by new comer Bob Schrek with Nate Van Dyke on the interiors. Just to make sure this bitch sells the covers are being handled by big time artists including Frank Miller on issue #1. Check it out.




Arthur Adams on issue #2, Paul Pope on issue #3, Bernie Wrightson on issue #4 and Bill Stout on issue #5. Jurassic Park the comic hits stores in June

Paranormal Activity Has A Director--Sound The Who Cares Alarm NOW

Ah nothing like returning to your old stomping ground with news about something you fucking can't stand. If there were some of you out there that were curious exactly who it was that walked out of Paranormal Activity feeling like he'd been violated by a trusting Priest then look no further. Part of it was my own damn fault, I believed the hype, I let my fucking guard down and believed that just maybe all that shady green infrared camera stuff was right on the money. Alas, like love and Santa Clause and life being remotely fair I was sadly disappointed. Paranormal Activity was the most boring hunk of shit I have seen in a long, long time. Nothing happened, NOTHING NOTHING NOOOOOOTHING. A chick stood up sometimes, stared at her boyfriend for thirty hours, then sliced him up. It was like Blair Witch but with less going on.

However the sheep of the world flocked to it (like that, how I brought it all together) and it made an assload of money for the greedy slime in Hollywood. Having done that it of course rated a sequel. Rumors had been flying around that maybe Brian DePalma or some other name director might step up and take his shot with the movie. I guess DePalma and the other folks on the short list came to their goddamn senses and ran screaming into the night like the possessed bitch in the movie. With nobody of any ability left and film students still tied up with finals the oozing puss filled sores over in Hollywood have hired Tod "Kip" Williams to direct.

Who is that? Oh come ON everybody he directed the Hole In The Floor or the Door In The Wall or the Escape Hatch Just To One Side Of The Guest Bathroom...I dunno, some fucking thing. Anyway, he's directing it and so everybody can sit and scream at shit that doesn't happen.