ANTONY & THE JOHNSONS VIDEO FOR "EPILEPSY IS DANCING"

NEW WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE TRAILER!! HOLY SHIT!!

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS BOBBY JINDAL

LOUISIANA GOVERNOR BOBBY JINDAL.


This guy is the ultimate example of the sleazy, scummy, reprehensible Republican. He's worse than somebody like Rush Limbaugh because this guy actually has power. Jindal not only refused money to help the poor and unemployed of Louisiana because he thought it was more important to look good to his fellow Republican snakes he also i straight lying about Obama's spending. He said it's cost more than the Vietnam and Iraq war which is total bullshit.

Just like the other Republicans Jindal is filled with zero ideas. He claims Obama's spending is irresponsible but when asked for his own ideas he says things like "re-energize the economy" and "restore confidence in America". He doesn't offer any real ideas he just regurgitates political slogans and then goes back to bashing Obama.

Turn the tables on this used car salesmen asshole and bash him.

DOUCHE CHILL RATING OF: OFF THE FUCKING CHARTS

SUPERHERO VIDEO MIX TAPE!! (SANS THE TAPE)

FAVORITE LINE: WEALTH AND FAME HE'S IGNORED ACTION IS HIS REWARD




FAVORITE LINE: AMAZING IRON IT'S IRON MAN




FAVORITE LINE: THE EVER LOVIN' HULK




FAVORITE LINE: IF HE'S LED TO A FIGHT AND A DUEL IS DUE THEN THE RED AND THE WHITE AND THE BLUE WILL COME THROUGH.




FAVORITE LINE: SEE A CANE STRIKING SUPERHERO TURN TO VIKING SUPERHERO




NO FAVORITE LINE, TOO SHORT.




FAVORITE LINE: YOU'LL BEHOLD IN BREATHLESS WONDER, THE GOD OF THUNDER, MIGHTY THOR.




FAVORITE LINE: THE PENGUIN, PUDGY PURVEYOR OF PURVITY




FAVORITE LINE: FOR THIS IS MY DOMAIN AND I PROTECT THOSE WHO COME HERE




FAVORITE LINE: THEIR FRIEND THE LAME NEWS BOY

PHILIPPINO BATMAN MOVIE: JOKER'S MUSICAL NUMBER.

THERE ARE NO WORDS

JAYDIOHEAD: RADIOHEAD/JAY Z MASHUP

This mashup of Jay z and Radiohead kicks so much ass that I have started liking Jay Z and newer Radiohead. This doesn't sound weird, it sounds like they did it together. Really a wonderful album.

JAYDIOHEAD

IRON MAN VS BRUCE LEE

My favorite part of this is last kick Bruce Lee lays down, but that's for personal reasons.

ENJOY

AQUALAD'S GREATEST SAYINGS

One of the greatest DVD releases in the superhero world was the 2 disc set of the old Aquaman show, which aired in the 60s alongside Superman. The show was just a plain old good time. Aquaman and his trusty sidekick Aqualad patrolled the ocean and fought off bad guys. It was wonderfully animated and a lot of fun. One of my favorite things was Aqualad (voiced by Jerry Dexter) and his long list of exclamations when trouble arose. Here now, in what may be my dorkiest move ever, is a list of all those sayings:

Holy Hurricanes
Mumbling Morays
Bumbling Blowfish
Sufferin Catfish
Jumpin Jellyfish
Mumbling Mantas
Sufferin Seashells
Holy Haddock
Hopping Toadfish
Leaping Lionfish
Holy Halibut
Flappin FrostFish
Sufferin Sea Snakes
Pounding Pigfish
Bouncing Butterfish
Jumpin Jackfish
Sufferin Sunfish
Weepin Weakfish
Sputtering Spoonbills
Holy Hackfish
Leapin Lampreys
Holy Mackerel
Sufferin Seasnails
Murmuring Moonfish
Holy Hagfish
Jumpin Porcupine Fish
Wailing Woolfish
Gallopin Guppies
Slithering Seaweed
Flippin Flounders
Shivering Shellfish
Soarin Sailfish
Leapin Lonefish
Holy Hagfish
Howling Houndfish

There you have it, collect 'em, trade 'em, share 'em with your friends!!!

WOLVERINE OLD MAN LOGAN

Of the mountain of books I got this week Mark Millar's continuing Old Man Logan was easily the best of the bunch. Though it takes forever to come out each issue has been totally worth the wait. In this issue Hawkeye and Logan are chased by a Venom T-Rex, captured by Emma Frost and battle all kinds of baddies trying to deliver a secret suitcase to an underground resistance movement.

If you're not picking this up then go buy all the back issue or at least get the trade when it comes out. Fucking killer stuff!!

A NEW DAWN IN ADVERTISING

The other night I was watching TV and I saw what I believe to be the pinnacle of how awful the advertising industry has become. Here, let me paint a picture for you:

It's late night, some Urban sprawl somewhere, Cool City USA we can call it. Bright lights, people around, etc. From out of nowhere zooms this red Cadillac car, passing all the traffic with ease. CUT TO: The driver, who oozes and oozes cunt. I mean he just drips with shitbag cuntidice. Imagine the bastard child of the dickwad from Maroon 5, Vin Diesel and Gordon Gekko from Wall Street. He's in a cool suit, with this look of "Yeah, I'm the shit." on his face and proceeds to say this: "You can work to fit in, you can aspire to blend into the background. You can work, dress and drive Urban Camouflage!! You can live by the idea that the nail that sticks up gets hammered down or (he shifts into HIGH GEAR) You can BE the hammer!!" CUT TO: The outside as the car goes EVEN FASTER down the streets of Cool City USA. When the commercial ended all I could think was...

IT'S JUST A CAR.

That's it; it's a fucking car.

It's not a tool in a revolution, it's not the means to take drastic action in a world of mediocrity, it’s a fucking car, and an ugly car to boot. I just don't get advertising, it makes no fucking sense to me. They're all panicking because TV advertising dollars are down, advertising people are the soulless, bloodless, remains of a hedonistic society on the brink of destruction and yet they still are trying to sell people this dreck. Nobody sells the product anymore, most likely because the product sucks, so instead, they sell a lifestyle. You don't buy a car; you buy the cool life the cunt behind the wheel is selling. You don't buy clothes; you buy the lifestyle that dressing like this is supposed to afford you. Does that shit work? Are people's lives so fucking bankrupt that they believe shiny toys, new duds or some kind of electronic home theater system is the answer?

You even see this shit in an Applebee’s commercial. These young cool kids are sitting around laughing like they just smoked a big bag of skunk, feeding each other, cracking jokes and just rocking out to the greatest party ever. That's bullshit, you ever been to an Applebees? It's crying children, depressed old people and folks counting out change to cover their meal. Same thing with Olive Garden, it's not a big family reunion housed in a restaurant, it's mothers and fathers trying desperately to pretend this is a "quality evening out" because they have no money in Bush Era economics to feed their families, pay their bills and then have any kind of life. Those places are depressing but according to the commercials it is THE PARTY PLACE!!!

On the flipside of that you then try and get people who want to raise advertising to...cough cough vomit vomit...ART!! They try to make these either sardonic, wacky commercials or they pretend to try and be abstract. The two best forms of this are the "Office" inspired commercials and the Sprite commercials. The Office inspired commercials (inspired by the show The Office) has really been beaten to death lately. They take the normal everyday office life and try to elevate it to something wacky, or ironically dry. It tries to be artistic but usually gets annoying. Like the current commercial where the guy brings an IV to the office because he's "tired" of eating boring food. His Co-worker, confounded by the craziness of this, introduces him to Quiznos. WOW, that's funny, that's ironic, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE QUIZNOS...LETS EAT!!!

The worst of the lot is the attempts to make advertising art and the one that really grinds my patience into dust is the Sprite commercials where they try to use fast moving images to tell you about Lymon. The whole thing is a rush of images trying to be artsy. Two miniature Japanese women use a yellow/green (lemon/lime=lymon) heart machine to "shock" this full-sized woman awake with the lymon shocker. Then you have two sumo wrestlers, one painted yellow, the other green and they run full speed into this kid and he acts all "refreshed" blah blah blah. It's annoying because while they are standing around, patting themselves on the back on their artistic merits, they are still just hawking soda.

I know the next argument to come out of the Demon Brood Of Advertisers is "Yeah..well...you remembered our commercial and our product." Yes, that may be true but not in the way they want. 90% of all the humans I've ever talked to are inspired to not buy shit because the commercials suck. I wouldn't drink Sprite simply because it tries to sell me rebellion by screaming "Obey Your Thirst". I would rather blow up a Cadillac dealership than buy one since I saw that ad so these folks are missing the mark.

Thankfully, I have the answer.

It's time for a new dawn in advertising, time to really walk to the beat of a new drummer. Advertising should be split into two sections: True Advertising and Truly Bizarre Advertising. Statistics show us that people are not really motivated to "buy" products by advertising, the best that it can do is spark an interest. That being said, lets really spark some interest by leaving people scratching their heads. Here's what I mean:

FADE IN: Four stray dogs are eating out of a trashcan. They're barking, playing, eating, etc. Suddenly one dog looks up, looks at the other dogs and starts running. He runs through the streets of a city, through out its ally ways, past stores, etc. The dog gets to a wood shop and runs super fast, leaps and throws itself into a wood chipper. FADE IN: BUY KODAK.

FADE IN: A man is driving home, his car stops on a train track. The train hits the back of his car and the car spins and spins for 20 seconds, while the guy is screaming his nuts off. Finally the car stops, the guy breathes for a second and then lowers his head and starts crying. FADE UP: KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE

FADE IN: A pretty girl on the toilet, she's groaning, moaning, and really having a hard time passing this crap. We see her from all angles trying to force it out. Then, her face lifts, we hear a plop sound and she starts to breathe easier. PRUDENTIAL LIFE INSURANCE

FADE IN: A man, bloody, running for his life with a crazed look in his eyes. Behind him, ten rabbits with demon eyes and blood on their fur are giving chase. He leaps, ducks, bounds but finally trips. The man grabs a sharp stick and turns to face them, the rabbits have cornered him, and they’re making an awful sound. The man raises the stick and the charge at each other screaming. FADE IN: TAMPAX MAXI-PADS

There have been a few commercials that have nailed this idea of true abstract vision. The best one to date is the orange juice commercial with Robert Loggia in it. Here it is, check out what I mean:





See, that makes me want to buy minute maid RIGHT AWAY!!! So you can hit the public up with that kind of shit and then later hit them with the other side, the straight ad. Show a car; tell us what it does, tell us the gas mileage and then the price. Show the car from different angles and then the name of the car, BOOM that’s it. Same with stuff like coffee have a guy tell how much he loves coffee and how he needs it for his day and then why he likes whatever brand you're hawking. It's honest, to the point and the actual product doesn't get lost in the shuffle of the commercial itself.

Advertising is never going away, ever. So if it's not then lets make it really fun and really honest. No more shitcunts driving cars trying to sell the idea that you'll be forwarding independent thought by purchasing a Caddy. That's just stupid and insulting to the people who watch.

That's what I think anyway.

Iann

CHECK OUT PAGES FROM THE UPCOMING GREEN LANTERN TALE BLACKEST NIGHT

I'm not now nor have I ever been a huge fan of these giant story events that constantly pop up in both Marvel and DC. It seems like most of them are anticlimactic and usually interfere with the natural progression of the story. However some of them are written so well I have to overlook my personal issues.

For the last three years or more Green Lantern and Green Lantern Corps have been two of the most consistently well written titles in comics. For the last year or more it has been leading up to Blackest Night, a prophecy told in the book of OA and part of how Hal Jordan become a Green Lantern. Here are some pages from the upcoming first issue, Blackest Night #0 which will be part of the giveaway on Free Comic Book Day.

HEAVY METAL MONK ROCKS!!!

For the most part I've given up on Heavy Metal as anything besides the temper tantrum of long haired babies. This gives me hope.

PUNISHER WARZONE DVD REVIEW

When The Punisher movie was released I didn’t see it, I didn’t want to. I had been put through the ringer twice with Punisher movies and I was convinced that he was simply not a character you could bring to life. The first Punisher movie with Dolph Lundgren was a joke, not even a good joke, more like one without a punch line. The second attempt was a better film but it wasn’t the Punisher it was Vigilante Man disguised as The Punisher. Frank Castle (aka The Punisher) lost like thirty members of his family instead of three, the movie was set in Florida instead of New York and he took on a mobster played by John Travolta. Not exactly compelling filmmaking.

With both of those movies falling so short of the mark this third Punisher movie didn’t interest me at all. Then during the filming there were all these rumors that the movie was being shot like a first person shooter, that there was no score for the film just a dozen or so heavy metal songs (neither turned out to be true). Finally the rumor began that the film was so bad it was taken away from director Lexi Alexander by the film company re-shot and re-edited. All of these things kept me home and from the Box Office returns most other people stayed away as well. When the DVD came out I decided to rent it and see how bad it was and yep, it’s really bad.

The thing that sucks is that Punisher War Zone could have been a really good time roller coaster film. The movie was never going to be great but it could have been fun. Instead it’s an ultra-violent mess that manages to show tons of blood and guts while at the same time de-balling The Punisher almost entirely. At the end of the day that’s what really ruins this movie and by and large ruined all the Punisher movies, trying to humanize the main character.

As far as plot goes there really isn’t one. Punisher (Ray Stevenson) is killing criminals, lots of criminals. During his war he accidentally kills an undercover FBI agent and dumps a mob boss named Billy Russoti (Dominic West) into a bottle crusher thus ripping his face apart and giving birth to Jigsaw. Jigsaw breaks his insane brother Loony Bin Jim (Doug Hutchison) out of the psycho ward to help him kill The Punisher. Jigsaw is also gunning for the family of the undercover agent convinced the agent kept money Jigaw had given to him when they still worked together. Take that, mix in some bullets and explosions and you have Punisher Warzone.

Let’s start with what works in the movie. First off, at least until he loses his nuts, Ray Stevenson is a great Punisher. He’s a tall, dark, hulking man who kills with an ease that the Punisher would have. He doesn’t make funny quips or involve himself in lengthy revenge plots, he just shoots, stabs and breaks criminals necks. The other thing that works is the first twenty minutes was is a highly saturated violent comic book style movie. If the director and writers had left it as that this would have been a really good time at the movies. Like a Rambo movie or Commando, just a fun mindless shoot ‘em up.

Sadly that isn’t what we get and outside of Stevenson and the first twenty minutes nothing else works in this movie at all. The first problem is the villain, who sucks. I loved Dominic West in The Wire but he’s a complete train wreck here. At some point somebody told him that the way to show everybody you were a mafia villain was to study an SNL sketch involving an over-the-top Robert De Niro parody and then do that times ten.

The other problem is that Dominic West is a British actor who tries so hard to have an “Italian Mob” accent that it’s way, way over the top. I’m guessing to keep it from being noticeable the director told the rest of the mobsters to overdo their Italian Mob accent so what you get is a huge group of overblown “Italian” mobsters. Put those two things together and Jigsaw is silly, not scary, not crazy, just silly. You can’t have a silly villain and expect anybody to care.

The second problem is Jigsaw’s brother Loony Bin Jim. Doug Hutchinson decided at some point his character was super “CRAZY” and everything he did would be “CRAZY”. You know how you can tell he’s “CRAZY” because Loony Bin Jim opens his eyes up wide in that “CRAZY” eye way. He also talks “CRAZY” and laughs “CRAZY’! In fact everything he does is so “CRAZY” that he ceases to be a threat and starts to become a joke. So you have one silly villain and one joke, see where the problem comes in?

I was particularly pissed that after spending the entire film building up this epic battle between Punisher and Loony Bin Jim it’s the most anticlimactic thing ever. It literally lasts two minutes and then Jim runs off like a cat that’s realized he needs to be in the next room urgently. Outside of the bad villains comes this ridiculous plot device where the Punisher is all torn up about killing the undercover agent and so he sits around brooding. The Punisher doesn’t brood; he’s too busy killing people. Punisher wouldn’t stop what he’s doing or cry over the dead undercover agent. He’d say he was sorry he shot him but the guy knew the risks. Then he’d pick up his gun and start blowing people away.

Instead of that we’re forced to watch Punisher cry, bond with the dead agents little daughter and even eventually win over the wife. Any and every scene involving dramatic moments between Punisher, the little girl and the wife are awful. When I say awful I mean professional wrestling awful. It’s that level of acting badness.

Humanizing the Punisher doesn’t work because that’s the point, the human side of him died with his family. The only thing that remains is the killer side of him who feels nothing and doesn’t get all mushy with kids and widows. Watching those scenes made me long for the Dolph Lundgren version, how fucked up is THAT!!

Other problems with the film stem from sub-plots started that go absolutely nowhere. The one-man task force who is supposed to bring the Punisher in is actually working with him. That is revealed in such a ham-fisted way that you almost miss it. There’s also a sub-plot about the dead agent’s partner who wants to take Punisher down but then ends up helping him. This might have worked if not for two reasons.

The first is that the actor playing the partner sucks and sucks badly. Clearly he graduated from the Heavy Sigh and Put-My-Hand-On-My-Head-To-Show-Emotion school of acting and it shines through. The other problem is that having a black ex-partner who used to have a substance abuse problem that wants to bring Punisher down but ends up helping him brings about shades of Louis Gossett JR in the Dolph Lundgren Punisher movie.

Why would you do that?

The final sub-plot that goes nowhere involves Jigsaw selling a bio-weapon (a glowing blue liquid that looks like a designer cocktail) to a Russian mobster. When Jigsaw double-crosses him the mobster’s father swears revenge. It looks as if the dad is going to use his men to help Punisher during the big final stand off but instead Mobster Dad kills a bunch of Asian criminals and goes home. WHAT? Oh and let’s not forget that the final stand off takes place in a giant, fully functioning, abandoned hotel in New York City. Oh yeah, those are all over the place in the big NYC. What makes all of this worse, the final cherry on this shit sundae is that three writers are credited for this movie.

I will repeat that.

THREE WRITERS are credited for writing a movie that’s only a stone’s throw away from a coloring book. As far as extras there is commentary, which is boring because you don’t care at all about the movie. There’s a making of which really tells you nothing deeper about the film but that’s mainly because the film isn’t deep to begin with. There’s a thirty second segment about the Punisher’s weapons which is kind of cool but the thirty second “Meet Jigsaw” about the make up process is wasted because the make up looks awful.

I wouldn’t buy this movie and I couldn’t even suggest it as a rental. Wait for a month and I’m sure it’ll be on USA or TNT and you can watch it for free. Even then maybe Tivo it so you can watch it in shifts because a one attempt viewing is a hard hustle. I hope this third strike will force Hollywood to leave the Punisher in the pages of comic books where he belongs.

NEW POSTER FOR WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

Where The Wild Things Are is one of my few treasured memories from childhood. I must've read the book a thousand times and even had my dad make me a costume of the child for two Halloweens. It's also one of the few childhood things I have that has been left unpolluted by the raging serpent cock of Corporate Hollywood which spews it's acid jizz all over anything that matters burning it into the soulless cinders of high bottom line.

The only reason I'm not heading to Hollywood with high explosives for making a movie out of this treasure is that Sike Jonze is doing it and I trust that he knows how special it is. If you look at the poster below and look at how the kid is acting you can tell Spike gets it. I'm not sure how to explain what I mean other than when I first saw Heath Ledger in the test make up for the Joker I knew he would be the one. Anyway, here's the new poster. Let's how Spike keeps my faith alive.

SLUMDOG SUPERMAN?

Even with a chubby Supes and a butch Lois a musical dance number and bad effects this is still more entertaining than the last hour of Superman Returns. However it doesn't touch the Indonesian Batman that I still can't find.

SCENES FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR YOU NEVER SAW

I hated both Alien Vs Predator movies and that's really saying something. Who would ever think I could get bored watching two homicidal alien races slug it out. Well Hollywood struck a double play by snoozing out both attempts at the franchise. Then I saw these photos and I knew that this could be done right. If any one of these scenes had been in the movie then it would be sign me right up!!

Sadly they were left on the cutting room floor

AWESOME "STEAMPUNK" VIDEO

So I've always hated the term "steampunk" I find it yet another idiotic way to try to incorporate the term "Punk" into a pop culture movement. That being said The Mysterious Explorations of Jasper Morello is pretty fucking cool.

TRAILER FOR SAM RAIMI'S DRAG ME TO HELL

GOON ANIMATED FILM SCREEN SHOT

I'm not a huge fan of The Goon comic book, never really have been. I have crazy respect for Eric Larson (creator/artist) the title was just never my cup of tea. However the new animated movie of the comic looks massively kick ass so I wanted to show you guys a still of the movie to get you on board the way I am. DIG IT:




PS It's being produced by Fight Club's David Fincher!!

AWESOME DEVO BIKE AUCTION FOR CHARITY

I love Devo, LOVE THEM!! I would kill for this bike but sadly I'll never scrape the money together to bid on it. If you got the bucks and you love Devo (as you should) then fucking get ta bidding!!

http://www.devobikeuaction.com

PIN A MEDAL ON YOUR FAVORITE GAMER

Want to show the gamer in your life that you think they kick much ass then try pinning one of these medals on them. The website to pick them up is http://www.supermandolini.com/acatalog/console_wars_veteran.html but beware they are 18 pounds which is like 36 bucks here.

THE NEXT BIG ANIMATED DC MOVIE

This spring the Green Lantern animated film jumps onto DVD but DC Comics isn't resting on their laurels. Check out what's coming up from DC Animated Films in fall of 2009.





United States President Lex Luthor uses the oncoming trajectory of a
kryptonite asteroid to frame Superman and declare a $1 billion bounty
on the heads of the Man of Steel and his “partner in crime” Batman.
Super heroes and super villains alike launch a relentless pursuit of
Superman and Batman, who must unite – and recruit super help – to
stave off the action-packed onslaught, stop the asteroid, and uncover
Luthor’s devious plot to take command of far more than North America.


SO looking forward to this!!

NEW ART FOR MORRISON AND QUITELY'S BATMAN & ROBIN

Now I haven't been a huge fan of Grant Morrison as of late thanks to his awful run on Batman RIP and Final Crisis. However Morrison and artist Frank Quitely did put out one of the great 12 issue runs ever with All Star Superman. The two men are reuniting to bring us Batman & Robin, a new series taking place outside the normal DC Universe. It may not be as good as All Star Superman but it couldn't suck as badly as Frank Miller's recent Batman book. Here is some of the art:

MARVEL CHANGES THEIR RELEASE DATES IN A BIG WAY

So after all the falderall at various conventions and on line Marvel has decided to seriously change around their release dates for big superhero action movies. Marvel says the change for the Avengers movies is so Jon Favereau can direct it himself and that the other changes are to make way for the Avengers film.

I don't know, something doesn't add up. Basically that leaves one summer blockbuster for Marvel in 2010 and then three in 2011 and then one in 2012. Does that seem oddly sporadic to you? I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that Hulk did only moderately well and the reception the Wolverine trailer has received is lukewarm at best. Add this to the fact that Watchmen is supposedly underwhelming the suits with its box office performance (spare me the number 1 movie rap. Watch the drop off this weekend)? Anyway here is the report as I understood it:

Sony Pictures' and Marvel Studios' Spider-Man 4 is slated for May 6, 2011. To date, all three motion pictures in the phenomenally successful "Spider-Man" franchise have generated nearly $2.5 billion worldwide theatrically.

Below is Marvel Studios' 2010-2012 updated release schedule for its slate of self-produced and financed feature films:

Marvel Studios Feature Film Pipeline
Film/Character - Prior Release Date - Current Release Date

Iron Man 2 - May 7, 2010 - May 7, 2010
Thor - July 16, 2010 - June 17, 2011
The First Avenger: Captain America - May 6, 2011 - July 22, 2011
The Avengers - July 15, 2011 - May 4, 2012

What do you think?

THE WATCHMEN RAP VIDEO--KILL ME PLEASE

This is why Alan Moore is going to start taking hostages. It's old but because of the new film all this ugliness will start rearing its ugly head



I hate everything

WATCHMEN: MY REVIEW

Ever since the idea of making Alan Moore’s Watchmen into a movie was first kicked around everybody from Moore himself to the local comic book guy has said it can’t be done. Moore went as far as to say his graphic novel was “un-filmable”.

The new movie proves that Moore was right.

Where things start to get interesting is that the Watchmen movie isn’t an awful film. It isn’t insulting or horrible in fact it’s a really good time adventure ride that never feels long winded even at its two hour and forty five minute running time. The reason I say that this movie proves Moore right is that this isn’t Watchmen, not the way it was meant to be seen/read and not the way Alan Moore envisioned it.

Everybody from Director Zack Snyder to the original Watchman artist Dave Gibbons has said the movie is very true to the comic book and it is. However it’s only true to the comic visually. I think when the people involved spoke so passionately about how they consulted the graphic novel at every turn it was to bring to life actual panels of the comic. That’s staying true to the comic but only in the most superficial sense.

To really pick apart the film I’ll start with what works. Visually the movie is absolutely breathtaking. There are things in this film you’ve never seen before executed in a style that will set new standards for motion picture special effects.

The character of Rorschach is perfectly brought to life by Jackie Earle Haley. Not only does he nail the violent psychopathic tendencies of Rorschach he also brings to life the human side, something most actors would have failed to do.

Haley never lets the mask take over, there’s always a character under there and when the mask comes off you lose nothing of the scarred psyche that dwells beneath it. In fact Rorschach becomes more terrifying with the mask off than on, which is a real tribute to Haley’s abilities.

Jeffrey Dean Morton also lights up the screen as The Comedian. Morton, like Haley, fully embraces and fleshes out his character. You hate him, laugh with him, feel bad for him and ultimately come to understand what has made him this way. With very few scenes in the film Morton shows a deep and layered character that is impossible not to miss when not around.

There is also great fun in the story itself and its execution. It bristles with action, adventure, violence, killer fight scenes, sex, and all the things you need to make a great escapist “popcorn movie”. Sadly that’s part of the problem with the Watchmen and largely the end of its good points.

While exciting to watch there is nothing in the plot or execution of the story that makes you care at all about what’s going on. When you read the Watchmen you were invested in all the aspects of the world Moore had created. You wanted to know how this new world affected Owlman but just as much you followed the story of the common man Newsstand Owner who was peppered throughout the book.

With the movie you’re just watching it to see what happens next and as soon as something does you’ve forgotten what just happened. The rich subtext, deeper themes and meanings woven throughout the graphic novel are gone here, not cut back, but simply gone. Shadows of political satire and dark tones do not give you depth. The folks who worked on this movie seem to have forgotten that.

Another aspect that fails in the movie is the rest of the characters. Outside of Rorschach and The Comedian everybody else seems to be phoning in their performances. In the comic Dr. Manhattan is an omnipotent demigod who has lost his connection to humanity. Billy Crudup’s Dr. Manhattan is a whiney complainer who seems like he’s going to cry into his herbal tea. You aren’t fascinated with how a transformation like that could affect the human condition, instead you just want the guy to shut up and stop bitching.

Patrick Wilson, the man beneath the Owlman cowl, has no dynamics in what he does at all, none, zippo. His emotional gamut runs from A to B and you lose interest in him about halfway through the movie. When he does regain his mojo and rises to be Owlman again you don’t care at all. In fact the machine he flies around in has more personality than he ever does.

Malin Akerman's Silk Spectre II is simply there to look good and make doe eyes. That’s it, that’s all she does. Sure she kicks ass in the fight scenes but essentially she’s cheese cake. That really bites when you consider how long Moore spends in the comic developing her character. Only less effective is Matthew Goode’s Ozymandias. You’re supposed to believe this one note, uber boring, wanna-be thespian is the smartest man in the world? I’d sooner believe he was a gay dance instructor or a used car salesman.

Another failed aspect in the film comes from the generational themes that show how much Zack Snyder doesn’t understand the source material. In the graphic novel showing the older generation of superheroes, the back story to the Watchmen members, the way the elements of politics come into play is all encompassing. These are aspects of a world that play off of each other to enrich the story. In the film they’re just flashbacks, nothing more than plot device to get us caught up on what’s happened before. That cuts the spine out of what the Watchmen was about and why the comic was such a landmark.

I also found the constant use of pop music throughout the film a major blunder. Bob Dylan? Jimi Hendrix? 99 Luftballons? Zack Snyder was trying to set a mood with the music but instead succeeded in taking you out of the film everytime the music was played.

Finally there is the huge change to the ending which just doesn’t work. I can’t give the big change away so as not to ruin the film but trust me it was a bad idea. It’s ham-fisted, badly thought out and blunders its way into the movie thus rendering the last 45 minutes or so of the film laughably ridiculous.

The funny part in all of this is that I enjoyed the Watchmen movie a great deal except that it wasn’t the Watchmen. This movie barely skimmed the surface of what made the Watchmen great. It would be like somebody describing Citizen Kane as a story about a guy who wants his sled or typing up a double spaced one page paper to translate the deeper themes of Atlas Shrugged.

This was Dave Gibbons Watchmen. This was a fully realized visual story that lacked any plot, dialogue, or character development. In that way it was very much like what it was touted as: “A comic book come to life”. I don’t think this was due to Zack Snyder and his crew not caring about the Watchmen or being in it for a quick buck. I honestly think they just don’t get it.

What was lacking was all of the stuff that’s insinuated and not written down on the page that your imagination fills in. All the things that exist organically between the panels brought to life by Moore’s writing is what the Watchmen really is. For example Snyder goes overboard showing you how violent Rorschach is and all the gore that goes along with it. That still isn’t as awful as the implied violence Moore wrote into the book. With that you’re imagination filled in the blanks which was so much more disturbing.

That being the case then the Watchmen, much like Moore claimed, is un-filmable. It can only be done in a comic book, period, end of story. If this movie had come out of thin air and been based on nothing it would’ve been a brilliant film as of now it’s just a pale shadow of the original. Based on that when the world looks up and screams “Is the Watchmen movie any good”

I’ll whisper “No”.