Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Why I Don't Like SCOTT PILGRIM
I've tried, I really have tried to get into the whole Scott Pilgrim vibe and I just can't do it, it just doesn't work for me. From the day these blasted comics came out I've been bombarded on all sides by people having orgasms over Scott Pilgrim and his battle for some ill bitch he doesn't know. I read the first book and thought it was cute, the way you see a Hamster in a pet store and for a millisecond you think "aww cute" and then the thought vanishes. I never thought these mediocrely drawn half assed teen stories would amount to anything and boy was I wrong.
Now there are six of these books and a big time motion picture on the way starring Michael Cera and a bunch of other people all looking to bring these books to life. I watched the trailers and at first got amped for the movie, so much so I tried to read the other books and again failed to generate much excitement. For the longest time I never knew why but after a lot of soul searching it finally came to me. The entire idea of Scott Pilgrim is lame, seriously just annoyingly indie and stupid.
The story, for the six of you who haven't been overloaded with it, is that Scott Pilgrim is some indie jerkwad sweater dink loser who falls for a girl who has seven evil ex-lovers he has to fight in order to stay with her. Yep, that's it, that's the story. People can waste their breath spewing the deeper subtext but essentially it's all about this dork fighting other guys for some chick he just met. This is why 90% of the people into these books are chicks because chicks want a guy so whipped he'll do battle just for the pleasure of being inside her. Oh and Pilgrim also takes all the shit this chick dishes out on him.
See Scott is such a loser that you start rooting for the other lovers to beat his whining punk ass. I don't mean to sound overly macho (which I really can't being that I'm writing about this) but I'd have to be in love and with a long history to fight some dude to the death over a chick. In the story Scott barely knows her and yet he's so smitten and such a loser he decides to fight these psychos for her? Every man instinct I had screamed to put these books down before my nuts shrivled up.
Then there's the chick herself, Ramona Flowers. In the book and especially the movie she's some moody indie bitch who looks like she thinks she shits diamonds. Well she does change her hair color and wear goggles on her head. Um, neat? When she meets Scott she's really fucked up to him and he has to do some song and dance to win her over. I mean in the film she's pretty but way too cool for school. The kind of girl who wouldn't have a problem with anal but wouldn't shave her legs because that's selling out to the man. Look at the picture, tell me I'm wrong:
Then there's the fact they're supposed to be young and she already has seven ex-lovers? What kind of a fall down whore is she and how used is she? I'd be afraid I'd beat the last guy stick my dick in her and lose it to whatever lava was flowing out of her. Hey pulling on a wad of blue hair when you're riding from behind may rock but not hard enough to lose my cock to. Plus how good is this relationship going to be if every lover she's had is gunning for your head. What kind of mind games does this blue haired jezebel play?
I don't care if she makes me cum so hard I wake up days later in Mexico with a tattoo, a missing tooth and laying on a pound of cocaine, no chick is worth all this misery. Oh and save the love at first sight shit, it's still no reason to go through all of this crap for one girl when you don't know her. Why doesn't she fight the ex-lovers and how is her type so wide and varied and how am I supposed to believe she's finally found perfection in Scott Pilgrim.
None of it makes any sense and unless you have a pussy you'll hate it to. These are like the comic equivalent of the Twilight books. Anybody who likes these is really a sixteen year old girl on the inside who wishes she could have a super dorky indie guy like Scott who is so whipped he'll do anything just for a blow job and a groovy mix tape. Call me unromantic, call me an asshole but Scott Pilgrim Versus The World is a bunch of stir fried shit made up to look like something special.