Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Despite all the odds or maybe because there wasn't shit to see this weekend, the Karate Kid remake made a zillion dollars and when the studio execs circle jerk was done it was time to make a sequel. The director is down, of course and I'm sure it won't be hard to get Jackie Chan and Big Willie Style JR into the mix. Add the speed a crappy script can be pumped out, the speed of shooting a cash-in turd and then the time allotted to make it 3D (cause you KNOW they will). I'm thinking summer 2011, either pre or post Captain America/Thor we'll see it. Being that I need some quick bucks I've written my own treatment for the sequel:

Big Willie Style JR is now king shit in his Chinese school after pounding the bullies. He has a girlfriend, a posse, everything he needs to make it in China. One day when he comes to Jackie Chan's house he discovers him packing saying he has to go to America because his estranged son is in trouble with the law. Big Willie Style JR says he'll go to and off they travel to America.

Once there they discover Jackie Chan's kid played by Harold from Harold & Kumar owes a lot of money to some drug lord named Kreese. Turns out after his karate schools closed Kreese teamed up with Mickey Rourke to cook and sell Crystal Meth. Harold was a delivery guy who lost a shipment and now owes Kreese.

Meanwhile LA Detective Daniel LaRusso (played by Ralph Macchio) has been investigating Kreese, not forgetting that it was Crystal Meth that killed Mr. Miyagi one awful night long ago.

Still driving the yellow car Detective LaRusso hears about a deal going down and shows up to find Big Willie Style JR and Jackie Chan beating up a bunch of Kreese's boys who are trying to kill Harold. Detective LaRusso helps them escape and decides if Harold will turn over states evidence they can put him in witness protection.

The problem is the FBI guy assigned to the case is Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) and his long hatred of Larusso forces him to snitch to Kreese.

Kreese kidnaps Big Willie Style JR and forces him into a death match ring against other karate guys. Big Willie Style JR wins his first match and manages to get the beautiful young girl who works with Kreese (played by Megan Fox) to get a message to Jackie Chan and Detective LaRusso.

Meanwhile FBI agent Johnny Lawrence strikes a deal with Kreese that when Larusso shows up they can fight to the death.

Recalling his old moves Larusso and Chan fight their way through all the guards and make it to the death cage match just in time to see a big guy hit a killing blow to Big Willie Style JR. It's okay though because Big Willie Style JR is really a mutant with healing power so he comes back and kills the bad guy.

Johnny Lawrence confronts Larusso and Kreese goes after Chan in a huge epic battle around the bad guy's lair. Suddenly Mickey Rourke appears dressed as the Wrestler and is about to do a flying elbow to Jackie Chan's head.

Big Willie Style JR can't help until the door blows in and Robert Downey JR dressed as Iron Man steps in with Samuel L Jackson's Nick Fury. They toss Big Willie Style JR the Thor hammer and he uses it to kill Mickey Rourke.

Meanwhile Chan is about to beat Kreese when the long haired guy from Karate Kid III steps in to double team him. Larusso is about to kill Johnny Lawrence but instead just honks his nose making Johnny understand it's wrong to be bad. Johnny jumps up and grabs the Captain America shield from Nick Fury and uses it to knock out pony tail guy.

Chan, Larusso, Johnny Lawrence and Big Willie Style JR surround Kreese and do a four way Crane Technique that kills him. Everybody runs outside where Elisabeth Shue and Hilary Swank are standing there saying that they're lesbian lovers who need help killing genetically altered piranha. They agree except Nick Fury asks Johnny Lawrence to be the new Captain America, which he agrees to and leaves with them.

Jackie Chan and Big Willie Style JR take Megan Fox to where the piranha are and after a vicious battle where they use karate moves to beat down the fish Hilary Swank and Elisabeth Shue get it on with Megan Fox.

Jackie Chan is bored until suddenly a giant Transformer lands and says he must help them fight the Decepticons so he leaves. Big Willie Style JR leaves the lesbian boat and heads back to China where he's greeted by Jeff Goldblum who wants to train him to fly fighter jets against an alien invasion.

Meanwhile Harold has become Larusso's cop partner and the two trade funny barbs while trying to stop a new drug lord played by Russell Brand dressed as The Joker. Right before the credits Will Smith shows up dressed in his Men In Black outfit and uses the laser pointer on the audience so we all forget what we've just seen and can see again and again.

I think it's a winner

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