Tuesday, June 1, 2010
AS THE CROW FLIES...AGAIN
Remember way back, way way way back, think hard, squint your eyes and focus your brain waves. Okay now try to picture in your mind a time when The Crow movies didn't suck. There was only one of them in the entire three or four picture series that didn't absolutely suck ass, does that help? It was the first one, the one with Brandon Lee, the one that cost him his life. That Crow was moody, dark, almost a superhero noir film and it was pulled off years before the big superhero rush to film. From there the entire series became a lesson in just how badly Hollywood could fuck up a movie. It's no wonder Crow writer J.O.'Barr has vanished since all of that, I'd have stopped writing to if they raped my creation.
Jump ahead fifteen years or more and the Reboot Whores are sniffing around the bleeding period of a long forgotten franchise hoping to cash in. Essentially a bunch of people have gotten together to try and relaunch The Crow, pretty much assuring that what ever was left of the legacy of the original is done for. According to the producer a script is finished and an offer has gone out to a "major star". It'll probably be somebody like Taylor Lautner or some other hack that'll get teen girls with wet panties into the theaters along with their boyfriends who are hoping she'll horny enough to hand out blow jobs later on. I particularly loved this quote from the producer about the actual crow that gives the character his powers:
"a creature... it's not just a bird. It's got a personality and a character. Not like Godzilla exactly, but it's very different [and has] a more active role in the story."
Okay what the fuck does that mean? The crow will talk? Dance? Have wacky one liners? Maybe it means it'll spout pseudo wisdom like some kind of Yoda with feathers. Whatever happens you can bet it's gonna suck huge amounts of ass.
I hate everything