Thursday, September 3, 2009


What you see before you is an actual copy of a reprinting of the classic book Wuthering Heights and this time it's got the seal of approval from Belle and Edward, the two main characters from the please-let-this-thing-die Twilight phenomenon. For people that wonder why no other country in the world takes us seriously allow me to point at this and whistle. We're not only trying to shill a classic of modern literature by associating it with some of the worst written work ever committed to the page but we're also using TWO PEOPLE WHO DO NOT FUCKING EXIST!!!

For those who've stepped out of reality for a bathroom break Belle and Edward are made up, they aren't real, Christ of fuck the character of Edward is even farther removed from reality because he's a GODDAMN VAMPIRE. These two never strolled down to the library and checked out Wuthering Heights, they never read Wuthering Heights because THEY AREN'T FUCKING REAL!! NOT REAL!! NOT REAL!! NOT REAL!!!! Do we all get that now? Do the mall crawling children who graduated from the traveling pants to the horny teen vampire posse click with this idea or do I need to start using the cattle prod?

It's bad enough we have gone so far off the deep end with marketing technology and instant gratification to children that the very idea of reading is a punchline to them. Now we as a people are trying to hook them by ripping away what the original literature was about and reducing it to "Cool To Your Heroes" bullshit. Trust me when these kids crack open Wuthering Heights and nobody sparkles in the sunlight or goes from hot guy to werewolf they will drop the book like last years pants.

I was really hopeful after Harry Potter that kids and reading might start looking up. For all the fanfare when the dust settled the Potter books were extremely well written. Layered, complex, with great characters and multiple story arcs all fleshed out to the point you cared about the goings on. Let's not forget, JK Rowling created her own private world in which to tell her tale and she never fell back on "easy" fantasy tricks. It might be blasphemy to say it but I see the Potter books as the Lord Of The Rings for this generation.

The Twilight books on the other hand are really badly written. I understand they struck a chord with people but as literature they don't hold up. Sloppy writing, cliche descriptions, the two books I read were just lazily written. Seriously, they were maybe five steps from a coloring book. To use this as a bar in which other literature should be held or to shill the classics with them is insane. Add on to that the fact that Belle and Edward aren't real and all you can do is break out the lawn chair and hope 2012 comes early.

I hate everything

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