Friday, September 25, 2009


Y'know the longer I do this the more often Satan slips into my window and pulls a bit of my soul out through my ass. Sometimes I wonder why I bother and then I remember that if I don't write these things down I'll end up dressed as a clown with an automatic weapon at a Multiplex making Colombine look like a day at the beach. Yeah it's a tasteless thing to say but fuck it, it's a tasteless world. Speaking of that the once great David Schoenberg has decided to re-make his version of the The Fly...OUCH SATAN WATCH THE HEMORRHOIDS!!

First and foremost this sucks big dirty asshole because Cronenberg's first crack at The Fly was already a fucking remake. The original movie was a fifties saturday matinee horror film so this would be a re-make of a re-make. Secondly Cronenberg's Fly kicked incredible amounts of ass, it was so good it even manged to survive the pants shittingly awful sequel starring Eric Stolz. The Fly was one of a handful of horror movies that was actually just a great film, end to end. Jeff Goldblume's portrayal of the doomed doctor was funny and sad and created so much sympathy that the end was really devastating. Christ the movie managed to make Geena Davis hot which is no easy task.

So what could Cronenberg possibly think he can do with this remake? He won't make a better movie I promise you that and with studios clamping down on sad endings and experimental films he's going to have to make it way less dark. Is this going to be the new trend? Directors re-make their movies for no reason. I can just see it all now, in fact here is how I figure remakes will go.

Spielberg directs this return to Amity Island where people are turning up dead on the beach seemingly eaten by a shark. 16 year old Martin Brody has secretly made friends with a wounded great white whose fin he patched up. It turns out that another shark is doing the killing and it's up to the two new friends to stop him. Martin turns to his new summer friend Hooper who is a science geek and the neighborhood bully-turned-buddy Quint where they steal Quint's dad's boat and set off on an adventure that ends with them beating the bad shark and letting the good one...that they named Bruce....back into the open ocean.

After an entire colony disappears a marine unit is sent to investigate. Little do they know that the android on the ship holds a deep dark secret. When the marines get there they find a group of bizarre aliens who have become obsessed with busting-a-move. Having challenged and won the big dance off with the colony the aliens seized them and cocooned them up so as to impregnate them with more alien dancers. The Marines are forced into a dance off they can't possibly win until their android reveals his secret, that he was the head of the Robotic Droid Comittee, the best dancers in the world. After a tragedy left his programmer dead he swore to never dance again but now he may be forced to. Can he over come his past and help the Marines bust-a-move to save themselves, the colony and the entire universe?

Yeah, it'll be something like that.

I hate everything

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