GARY THE CYLCON--EPISODE 15

OK there are 15 of these and I'm going to hunt all of them down and put them up here. However I'm starting with this one simply because it's based on my favorite episode of the old Battlestar Galactica (remember, the good one before Cylons were sexy and everybody came down with a case of the Shakespeares). Anyway, check it out and enjoy.

COOLIDGE CORNER CINEMA DOES JOHN CARPENTER!!

This is something so fucking awesome I had to put in on my blog. One of the only truly cool theaters left in Boston is the Coolidge Corner Theater in--ironically--Coolidge Corner. This Friday starts the Horrors OF John Carpenter Series which kicks off with the classic Halloween. Wash the taste of Rob Zombie's God-awful remake from your mouth with a big gulping taste of the original!! Here are the times and days of the festival:




HALLOWEEN

Fri, Oct 2 @ midnite

$7.75 Student Members get 2 for 1 admission.

I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes.

Director John Carpenter's original masterpiece gave bloody birth to the slasher genre. Before Michael Myers, babysitters felt safe on the job and children were comfortable in their beds at night, having forgotten about the Boogeyman. This is the film that put inexplicable evil back on our list of fears. The shape of horror was forever changed the night he came home.

dir. John Car




THEY LIVE

Fri & Sat, Oct 16 & 17 @ midnite

$7.75 Student Members get 2 for 1 admission.

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum.

They are everywhere. They have taken over the Earth. Lucky for us, Rowdy Roddy Piper can see them and he's going to kick their asses back to whichever planet they've come from. Boasting the best fight over a pair of sunglasses ever filmed, this Carpenter classic is a bit on the campier side but is still not to be missed!


dir. John Carpenter, w/ Roddy Piper, Keith David 1h33m, 35mmnter, w/ Jamie Lee Curtis 1h31m, 35mm






THE THING

Fri, Oct 30 @ midnite

$7.75 Student Members get 2 for 1 admission.

Nobody... nobody trusts anybody now, and we're all very tired... there's nothing more I can do, just wait...

We live in a time where horror remakes are king at the box office. Unfortunately none of them will ever be as good as this re-imagining of 1951's The Thing From Another World. John Carpenter breaks frozen ground once again with this milestone in special effects and gore. When an alien being begins killing off and assuming the identities of Antarctic scientists, it's up to R.J. MacReady (Kurt Russell) to battle the creature as well as his paranoid colleagues.
dir. John Carpenter, w/ Kurt Russell, 1h49m, 35mm

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS WEEKLY RECAP

HIPSTERS RUIN EVERYTHING!!

Well I gotta say, it took less time for the hipsters of the world to ruin Where The Wild Things Are then I thought it would. Once I found out that Spike Jonze was going to direct the film version I knew the Hipster community would descend on it like a pack of Jackals. I don't blame Spike for this, he seems like a really genuine guy but between him directing and that fucking talentless hack bitch Wendy O doing the soundtrack Hipsters everywhere were rubbing themselves like Ecstasy addicts locked in a velvet room.

Above is an example of what I mean. Now all the shit cunt hipsters who never heard of the book but will attest to it being "one of their favorites" now can dress up like Max from the book for a mere $610. I fully expect to somebody like Drew Barrymore standing at the Bonaroo Festival dressed in one talking about how "Magical" everything is until somebody slams a cock in her mouth with enough cocaine on it to freeze her jaws shut. Even if the hipsters can't purchase these it just shows that the marketing campaign is aimed at these useless fools. I can just see some chick on the real world in footy Max pajamas drinking a latte and talking about life. That's when I show up with the razor dildo from Seven and start doling out revenge shredder cock style.

Hipsters: SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS!!!





ALL I HEAR IS RADIO GAGA, RADIO BLAH BLAH!!

Here's Lady Gagwithpenis or Lady gotsadisease or whatever this "artists" name is walking through an airport trying not to be noticed. She accomplishes this goal by dressing like Andy Warhol's ugly wrestler brother post Tranny-OP...good plan. Can we kill this bitch, can we seriously just toss her in a ditch and leave her for dead?

She's the musical equivalent of Vanna White or the Pet Rock. She does nothing, serves no real purpose and yet people love her. She can save her Studio-54-meets-pop-dance stuff for Star Search where it belongs. GaGa should be grateful she's nailed the gay man dance party market or she'd still be offering up blowjobs to the restaurant manager in exchange for extra time off to "record" in her parents basement. The bloody Princess Diana thing on the MTV awards was a class act.

Lady GaGa: Suck My Ass It Smells.




KANYE GOES TO REHAB IN YET ANOTHER PLANNED CAREER MOVE.

What else can you say about Kanye West that hasn't been said since he manned up and snatched a great moment away from a 17 year old girl? I thought it was bad enough when he called the Jackson family and asked if he could start calling himself the King Of Pop but no, he beat my expectations. The best part about this is that he's a talentless hack, a fucking one trick pony that's running out of tricks. Outside of being as lame as white kids who wear baseball caps to the side Kanye has now shown he's such a cunt that even OJ would look at him and say "Dude you suck".

When the President of the United States says you're a jackass well, you've done yourself proud. Perhaps DC Comics can send one of those Black Lantern rings into the ground to raise your mom up so she can kick the shit out of you. I'll bet she's rolling in her grave anyway.

Kanye now says he's going to rehab because of an alcohol problem. WOW, how not manufactured is that? It's like Kayne whipped out the "Come Back From Being A Punchline" rock star manual and followed it step by step. I think his rehab should be sitting under 10 heat lamps all day and night and right when he's about to be given water somebody slaps it out of his hand and says "Imma let you finish..."

Kanye West: Suck My Ass It Smells




FRED DURST NOW A COMPLETE FAILURE AT EVERYTHING HE TRIES

So let's see, old Freddy Boy Durst tried to be more than a flash in the pan...failed. Tried to be a producer....failed. Tried to be a director....failed. Tried to bring Limp Bizkit back...failed. Tried to have a sex tape out there....failed. Now his three month or whatever marriage is over...failed.

Good for Fred, at least he's consistent. My personal favorite are all the people at MTV who worked there when I was there (are you listening Dave Sirlunick?) that kissed this losers ring and treated him like he mattered. I'll bet they're hiding their heads now and trying to pretend they always hated him. The next thing I hope Durst fails is and AIDS test.




JOHN AND KATE PLUS 8 NOW WITHOUT JOHN.

I'm not sure if you heard but apparently these two poster children for The Worst Parents Ever are getting divorced. I know, I know, I was shocked to. I'm looking for some coverage on it but I really can't find anything. Now because of the divorce the show will now kick John to the curb and be Kate Plus 8. In reaction to this John has filed papers to try and stop the divorce and "open up communication". Big talk from a guy nailing anything that said yes this summer.

My questions here is, do these two ego maniacs even know they have children? Has anybody on set introduced them to their kids and said "These are yours, you are responsible for them?" I doubt it because John and Kate don't act like they have kids, they act like they have accessories to the show. Does it bum them out that the kids aren't disassembled and put into a trunk until the next time they're needed on set? Seriously you fuckers, get it together.

These kids will grow up watching over and over their parents acting like squabbling teens outside the prom and get to watch dad be inside more woman than a Gynecologists rubber glove. Wow, that's great parenting, that's really first rate shit. John doesn't want to open up lines of communication or work things out for his children but because he might lose his gravy train. I understand. I mean how is he going to be able to squirt his black demon seed on 15 year old titties if they don't know who he is.

I'm waiting for the next show in twelve years called The 8 Kids On Rehab. Well done you two, seriously, kudos all around.

John & Kate: Suck My Ass It Smells

ABANDONING MARVEL COMICS.....AGAIN

Marvel Comics has become for me like the crazy ex-girlfriend you just can't get ride of. You try and try to separate yourself from her but the bitch entices you right back just to fail you once again. I used to be a huge Marvel fan when I was a kid. After Batman and Green Lantern the first hero I followed with any fervor was Wolverine. I loved Spider-Man, Alpha flight, X-Men all of it. Then slowly over time Marvel jus kept shitting the bed.

The first time I tried to leave Marvel was when they cloned Spider-Man, which was the fucking lamest thing ever. I came back a little while later but left again when Spider-Man became part of the Spider Lineage instead of just a nerd who got bit by a spider. Then I returned and was so let down by how long Civil War took to come out and the fucking bullshit "Oh gosh I was wrong" ending via Captain America I split once more. I came back a bit later and tried to stay but now, once again I'm leaving Marvel Comics and focusing on DC and indie stuff. Want to know why? OK let's chat.

First of all I'm tired of Marvel treating Spider-Man like the redheaded stepchild. Whenever they want to do something stupid they do it through Spidey e.g. Clone, Lineage, One More Day, etc. Spider-Man is now just a punchline, a hollow memory of his formers self.

Marvel has also forgotten how to write Wolverine. They spread him so thin in so many comics that he became watered down and post Wolverine the movie now he's supposed to be almost cuddly and yet crazy. Giving Logan back his memories was a fucking dumb idea, it zapped all the mystery right out of him. Instead of this dark enigma who appeared in a few books outside of the X-men he's become the Jonah Hill of comics. Every time you turn around there he is, it's annoying now. Mark Millar's Old Man Logan was the only thing in the last 10 years that's really captured the essence of what the character once was.

Marvel is also way to fucking busy doing event comics to make anything any good. House Of M, Civil War, Messiah Complex, World War Hulk (which was actually good), Secret Invasion, Dark Reign, it never ends. Most of them end of going on to long and only serving to lead into the next big even series. Dark Reign, the most recent one, is possibly one of the most pointless event series ever. It has gone NOWHERE!!!

They had some cool ideas with Skaar Son Of Hulk but ruined that quickly by bringing him to Earth. Jeph Loeb managed to destroy the great run Hulk had with bad writing and introducing the Red Hulk who just sucks. X-Men is still too convoluted to be enjoyable, the list goes fucking on and on.

Thor has dragged on with him sullen over being kicked out of Asgard, not to mention Thor is about the thunder god battling monsters and aliens and that kind of thing. For the last two years it's been about him in this Midwestern town and as with most Marvel stories it's gone nowhere.

Oh did I mention they stripped Dr. Strange of the Sorcerer Supreme title and gave it to a guy named Captain Voodoo who looks like a WWE Wrestler. I was also in hysterics over how they brought back Captain America. He was shot with a "Time Bullet" which sent him into a time void....RIGHT....GOTCHA.....FUCK YOU.

Now with Marvel being bought by Disney it's just going to get worse. Marvel will have to deliver the bucks to their corporate parents and that means more kitsch and less good, solid comic book work. So I'm out of the Marvel camp, I think for good this time.

HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF....WILLAMSBURG? ALLSTON?

I don't know who created this but the idea of the Masters Of The Universe as Hipster cunts is pretty awesome. Instead of a war-cat He-Man could ride a fixed gear, Skeletor could be the master of Greystove Tea & Coffee House, the idea really are endless. If the people putting together the He-Man movie used this idea I might go see it. It could be the greatest God-meets-man flick since Hercules Goes To New York!!

BATHROOM FASHION JEDI STYLE

Ever thought to yourself "Damn, my bathrobe sucks" or "How can I involve being a superdork with my morning routines?" If so then the above item is just what you (and I) have been looking for. The 100% cotton velour robe is a big heavy warm jam that will keep even the fattest jedi happy as he brushes his teeth or uses the "force" on himself during private time.

For more on ordering one click HERE.

This would definitely go under the Good because how much better could it really get?

DOLLHOUSE SEASON PREMIERE - MY REVIEW

I came very late to the Dollhouse party and mainly got there by accident. I was working one night and bored so I started watching Dollhouse on Hulu.com and about halfway through really began liking it. I don't care for Eliza Dushku at all, she can't act, she's not really that pretty and on screen she seems either fake or flat. That whole thing works in Dollhouse because she doesn't have to be anybody for a long period of time, right when she starts chewing up the scene she's gets a "Treatement" and we're back out again.

As season 2 kicks off everybody is still reeling from the effects of Alpha's (the bad Doll) violent visit to the Dollhouse. Echo (Dushku) is now on loan to Paul Ballard (Tahmoh Peniket) the obsessive FBI agent who invaded the Dollhouse at the end of last season and was then given a job helping to find Alpha. SOMEHOW that meant he and Echo go undercover to find an arms dealer. Echo's programming has led her to become the wife of the arms dealer which disgusts Ballard as he pines for her.

Meanwhile Dr. Claire Saunders (Amy Acker) is having a complete mental breakdown. Since discovering she was a doll reprogrammed to be the house Doctor and that her face was cut up by Alpha because he wanted Echo to be number one, she's been focusing her rage on overly dorky Dollhouse brain Topher Brink (Fran Kranz). Echo's former handler Boyd Langton (Harry Lennix) grows more concerned about Echo's evolution and her ability to resist the mind wipes. He's also grown fond of Dr. Saunders which makes her even more unstable.

That's essentially the opening episode and to be honest it's kind of a clunker. It isn't bad per-say it just isn't great, it isn't the episode that should have kicked off the season. Season 1 ended with such a great high that this even toned episode is almost boring. I realize it's the first episode but there's little done with the relationship between doll's Victor (Enver Gjokaj) and Sierra (Dichen Lachman) which was one of the best things about season one. There's a cool little ending bit with them but I wanted to see more.

The main problem with the story is the arms dealer thing which goes from stupid to absolutely unbelievable in record time. There is supposed to be this tension between Echo and Ballard that isn't there mainly because both Dushku and Peniket are one note actors. Dushku does sexy/confused and Peniket does angry/bitter and that just doesn't make for good chemistry. There's also the wrap up of the arms dealer story which is so beyond believable that it feels like the writers stuffed it in to give a reason for Paul Ballard to become Echo's new handler.

The thing that does really work is the weird venomous tirade of Dr. Saunders against Topher Brink. She hates him and it is obviously hurting Brink each day. Amy Acker is awesome as the ruthless Dr. Saunders and as each mind game gets worse she gets better at being a bitch. At the same time Acker plays the Dr to where you feel bad for her and riding that line is never easy. Even Fran Kranz brings his A-game to his portrayal of Topher in this episode. The final confrontation between the two of them is the best scene of the episode and the most well written thing on the entire show so far. Amy Acker is leaving the series and that will leave a considerable hole.

What Joss Whedon and the other writers for Dollhouse need to be careful of is losing the humanity of each player. Paul Ballard has started to suck so badly as a person you don't care what he does or who he is, in fact when he's on screen I tend to doze off. They also need to make sure they don't vilify too much Claire DeWitt (Olivia Williams) the cougar-like head of the entire Dollhouse. Last season she had a lot of sides and layers but in this episode she struts around like Cruella DeVille and that's kind of beneath who she is.

I've been a big fan of enough of Joss Whedon's stuff to realize he's the master of the slow-roll-and-boil. Things creep along and then BANG take off so I'm still excited to see where season 2 goes as the year progresses. With this episode I just saw some of the same cracks in the armor that started towards the end of last season and I'd hate for those to become giant holes that consume an otherwise good show.

NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET MIGHT NOT SUCK?

So as you all know I don't fancy much the remake ideal and no matter how good a movie might be a remake just doesn't strike me as a good idea. That being said if the remake doesn't mouth rape the original and is a good time I have no issue with it. For example Halloween was so fucking pants shittingly awful I feel Rob Zombie should be bludgeoned to death but the Friday The 13th remake was actually pretty fun. In that vein here's the trailer for the Nightmare On Elm Street remake.

A Nightmare on Elm Street in HD



I may be more forgiving on this because I never really cared about the original Nightmare On Elm Street movies. Sure the first one was scary but by the third one Freddy Krueger was JR Ewing, the man we love to hate complete with snappy one liners. While this new one lacks the dirty, grimy film quality of the Wes Craven original and it's produced by die-soon-please-god Michael Bay, it does have Jackie Earle Haley as the new Freddy and I love that guy.

we'll see how it goes

CTHULHU HAS FOUND CHAT ROOMS

I would have to put this as booth good and bad because it's good to see the big C but bad for pre-teens with dumb ideas about finding love on the internet.

SMALLVILLE SEASON PREMIERE-MY REVIEW

Tonight was the Smallville season premiere and I, like many fans, were hoping it was going to restore some confidence in the show. The last two or more seasons have been a real lesson in how to watch something die an agonizing death and when the big fight with Doomsday turned out to be a whimper instead of a bang Smallville seemed all but lost. Still though we as fans are always optimistic so we pressed on, waiting for the new season to bring us back to what made us love Smallville in the first place.

Yeah, well, we're still in trouble.

If the season premiere is any indication Smallville has gone completely off the reservation, fallen into a well and broken its leg. Sadly there is no Lassie to help us rescue Smallville, we have to simply watch it limp to its death. The Smallville season premiere has amped up that which was destroying the show to begin with, darkness, melancholy and general doom and gloom. Smallville was a fun show, it had monsters, story arcs with aliens and Clark running around discovering a new power each week. The townspeople were involved. Clark's parents were there (apparently being a Senator means Ma Kent is NEVER coming home), it was a fun show to watch. Now it's like One Tree Hill with Superpowers and that just doesn't work.

The new season opens with Chloe (Alison Mack) trying to find Oliver Queen (Justin Hartley). Seems Ollie and the other JLA members went into hiding after Jimmy Olsen's death last year (though apparently he wasn't the real Jimmy Olsen but his brother). Racked with guilt the JLA members are in the wind and Chloe is left in her righteous Watchtower pad looking forlorn. Meanwhile Lois, who vanished into the future via Legion Of Superheroes ring, has reappeared again with no memory of where she was but also not alone. With her is another Kryptonian woman who seems to be itching to kill Lois (ain't we all). Clark is being trained by Jor-El which seems to mean he watches flashing Kryptonian words and tries to act tough.

That's one of the main problems with Smallville's turn to the dark side, the actors just aren't good enough to carry it. Clark is supposed to be battling between being inhuman and human, trying to turn his back on his humanity and yet not being able to. That's an almost Shakespearean theme that actor Tom Welling just isn't up to. The producers have also decided to allow a lot of the emotional power of the show rest on Lois Lane (Erica Durance) and WHOA is that a bad idea. All these scenes that are supposed to be dark or sadly emotional just come of as silly. Erica Durance has no range so everything is just sarcastic or pouty and MAN does that get old fast.

Then there's Clark's new "Superman" suit which I've already railed against on my blog. It's just so badly thought out. Superman doesn't wear a black club kid outfit with a long coat, it just doesn't look right. Again what is supposed to come off as new and exciting comes off as wrong, like the producers and writers have no idea what Superman is all about.

I also wasn't a big fan of the new villains. Brain Austin Green isn't quite a super villain yet (that's next episode) but his attempts to be dark and mysterious are largely held up by the constant reminder that this was the white hip hop kid from 90210. It renders his menace as a super villain next to nothing. Worse still is Callum Blue who plain out sucks as General Zod. Blue is about as menacing as an ice cream cone plus his acting "chops" leave him little in the way of choices. To make Zod seem regal and maniacal Callum simply over enunciates words in a thick British accent. When Zod and longtime scene-killer Tess Mercer (Cassidy Freeman) decide to work together the sinkocity goes through the roof.

I'm also tired of the show under using Chloe Sullivan. I've been a big proponent of her dying to give the show some emotional weight and that's mainly because she's the only one worth caring about. Sure she has some lame one-liners but Chloe carries a scene, she makes you care about her and in turn that makes you want to follow the show. If the rest of the cast were that good Smallville would be the new Friends. If this is Chloe's last season I hope they put her out front for it. I worry though, her last scene with Clark in the season premiere comes out of nowhere and is totally out of character for Chloe. It felt more like the producers needed to create tension so they tacked it on.

As always the giant hole left by the absence of Lex Luthor screamed at me through the entire episode. The premiere had Metallo, Zod, a Kyrptonian chick, Zod's personal army and STILL they couldn't hold a candle to Lex Luthor. Get the blank check ready guys, it's time to bring the man back to the fold.

Smallville's season nine premiere tried to introduce too many elements and none of them really worked. The cast looks tired, the writing feels tired and the whole thing limps along like Superman chained to green Kryptonite. I'm going to watch the whole season and I hope by the end I'm eating a big bowl of crow and Smallville kicks ass once again.

Somehow I doubt it.

CHECK OUT THIS AWESOME DOCUMENTARY & CONTEST FOR WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

So one of the few movies I'm actually excited about this year is Spike Jonze's Where The Wild Things Are. I grew up with that book, my dad made me the Max costume as a kid and I'm wicked protective of it. When I heard it was being done as a movie I cringed like most folks of my generation. However reading up on the production, watching interviews and seeing the trailer I feel really good about the movie. Jonze launched a blog awhile back called WE LOVE YOU SO all about the production of the movie and other cool tidbits. I came across two things on it today that got me so excited I had to post them here.

First up is a documentary premiering on HBO on October 14h all about Wild Things author Maurice Sendak. Here's the release on it:

A Tribute To Maurice Sendak

In 1963, with just 10 short sentences, a dark and dreamy emotional landscape of hairy monsters and tropical jungles, and one wannabe feral child, Maurice Sendak created one of the most critically acclaimed and popular childrens’ books of all time– “Where the Wild Things Are”. In this loving tribute to everyone’s first favorite author, the Cinefamily will show original animated adaptations (on 16mm!) of “Where the Wild Things Are” and “In the Night Kitchen”, along with new short films made by Lance Bangs and Spike Jonze while the new live action adaptation of “Wild Things…” was in production. Jonze had been friends with Maurice Sendak for more than five years before he began working on his feature film, and these new short films capture a sometimes melancholy but always wickedly funny Sendak as he reflects on his Depression-era childhood in the Brooklyn shtetl, a joyous day at the World’s Fair, the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby, his books “In The Night Kitchen” and “Higgledy Piggledy Pop!”, his two beloved Hermans (Melville, and his German shepherd namesake), and a long-buried secret.

As for right now the only theatrical release is a one shot screening in Los Angeles but hopefully it'll either get wide release or come out on DVD soon.

Secondly the blog is having a photoshop contest for people to submit cool ideas for the movie or movie posters or what have you. The contest ends Friday so head on over there if you want to be involved. I picked some of the best submissions so far:

THAT ANNE FRANK IS JUST TOO DARN SAD

Hollywood never ceases to amaze me, like EVER. Just when I think they can't get any more ridiculous they pull some shit like this and knock me on my ass again. Read this little bit of news and then the studios reaction. It's about David Mamet (one of my favorite writers) writing a screenplay about Anne Frank.

"The writer who took on ethnic politics in the play “Race,” and sexual politics in works like “Oleanna,” takes on modern anti-Semitism in “The Diary of Anne Frank.” But the screenplay is not a retelling of the famous Holocaust drama taken from the diaries of Frank, but about a contemporary Jewish girl who goes to Israel and learns about the traumas of suicide bombing. “It’s very intense, and dark and scary,” said the executive. “It’s not a film version of ‘The Diary of Anne Frank.’ The story evolved into something more intense.”

Here's the best part, the script wasn't rejected because it didn't follow the book to the letter, the studios were fine with that. Mamet's script was rejected because it was too dark.

I will repeat that

The script about anti-Semitism, Nazis and the death of a little girl was TOO DARK. TOO DARK, TOO DARK, TOODARKTOODARKTOODARK, TOOOOOOO DAAAAAARRK!! Say it over and over again it will always sound stupid.

I'm guess the studio will want to re-touch the script so the Nazi's are Bears and the Jews Deer, that way it may be scary but at least they'll all be cuddly and soft. Hey maybe Anne Frank could be a Jewish teacher who is sent to a Nazi school to teach and through diary writing and open conversation she helps the Nazi soldiers win the Essay Writing Contest and show they deserve more Government funding?

The choices are endless.

I hate everything

CRONENBERG TO REMAKE THE FLY--AGAIN

Y'know the longer I do this the more often Satan slips into my window and pulls a bit of my soul out through my ass. Sometimes I wonder why I bother and then I remember that if I don't write these things down I'll end up dressed as a clown with an automatic weapon at a Multiplex making Colombine look like a day at the beach. Yeah it's a tasteless thing to say but fuck it, it's a tasteless world. Speaking of that the once great David Schoenberg has decided to re-make his version of the The Fly...OUCH SATAN WATCH THE HEMORRHOIDS!!

First and foremost this sucks big dirty asshole because Cronenberg's first crack at The Fly was already a fucking remake. The original movie was a fifties saturday matinee horror film so this would be a re-make of a re-make. Secondly Cronenberg's Fly kicked incredible amounts of ass, it was so good it even manged to survive the pants shittingly awful sequel starring Eric Stolz. The Fly was one of a handful of horror movies that was actually just a great film, end to end. Jeff Goldblume's portrayal of the doomed doctor was funny and sad and created so much sympathy that the end was really devastating. Christ the movie managed to make Geena Davis hot which is no easy task.

So what could Cronenberg possibly think he can do with this remake? He won't make a better movie I promise you that and with studios clamping down on sad endings and experimental films he's going to have to make it way less dark. Is this going to be the new trend? Directors re-make their movies for no reason. I can just see it all now, in fact here is how I figure remakes will go.

JAWS:
Spielberg directs this return to Amity Island where people are turning up dead on the beach seemingly eaten by a shark. 16 year old Martin Brody has secretly made friends with a wounded great white whose fin he patched up. It turns out that another shark is doing the killing and it's up to the two new friends to stop him. Martin turns to his new summer friend Hooper who is a science geek and the neighborhood bully-turned-buddy Quint where they steal Quint's dad's boat and set off on an adventure that ends with them beating the bad shark and letting the good one...that they named Bruce....back into the open ocean.


ALIENS:
After an entire colony disappears a marine unit is sent to investigate. Little do they know that the android on the ship holds a deep dark secret. When the marines get there they find a group of bizarre aliens who have become obsessed with busting-a-move. Having challenged and won the big dance off with the colony the aliens seized them and cocooned them up so as to impregnate them with more alien dancers. The Marines are forced into a dance off they can't possibly win until their android reveals his secret, that he was the head of the Robotic Droid Comittee, the best dancers in the world. After a tragedy left his programmer dead he swore to never dance again but now he may be forced to. Can he over come his past and help the Marines bust-a-move to save themselves, the colony and the entire universe?

Yeah, it'll be something like that.

I hate everything

NEVE CAMPBELL RETURNS FOR SCREAM 4 AND WHO FUCKING CARES?

I'll admit it, back in the nineties I wanted to nail Neve Campbell just like any other guy in them days. For those who don't remember her Neve Campbell was like a Kristin Stewart for that era. They both are hot but not unapproachable, both have a one note acting style, both leave their mouths open even if they're not speaking and both starred in huge pop culture movies. Neve starred in Scream a series of horror movies that I blame for the downfall of modern horror.

See the Scream movies were about this killer dressed in all black with a "scream" mask based on the infamous painting. The problem was that it was an era where being self-referential and ironic was key to success and Scream got carried away. It became more about ripping off (excuse me paying homage) to other horror movies instead of doing anything interesting. If you look back at the awfulness of modern horror it traces back to the Scream movies.

The movies themselves got so ridiculously impossible to believe that by number three even the die hard fans were holding up a middle finger. Jump ahead to 2009 and the rush to reboot or remake or jump start anything that might turn a buck is all the rage. Apparently in that vein there will be a Scream 4, the start of a new trilogy.

OK seriously, why? Nobody gave a "screaming" fuck about these movies by the time they came to a close so how much money will really be made off jump starting it? Remaking classics like Halloween or Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a cunt fuck shitty thing to do but at least they have a legacy. The Scream movies were a t-shirt, a band with only one good song, the cinematic equivalent of the Pet Rock. Nobody cares, what audience are they going for?

I do love the fact that when the movie was made Neve Campbell was the "it" girl, Courtney Cox was the hottest thing ever due to Friends and David Arquette was seen as the new king of kooky Hollywood nuttiness. Neve went off the reservation long ago and since she never ended up selling blow jobs and weed to old fans I sort of lost touch with what she was up to. Courtney Cox strutted off the set of Friends like the cat that killed the canary and now she's stuck doing lame television like Cougar Town where she plays an old horny mother. Arquette can't even get arrested, I mean I wouldn't be surprised if he was working at a Hollywood Starbucks to make rent.

So with a talent pool like that who can say just how far the Scream movies could go.

I hate everything

WU TANG KILLER BEES....ON YOUR FEET?

I don't usually get all wet in the panties for sneakers, I was just never that guy. Sure I have a top ten list somewhere of my favorite kicks but for the most part I'd rather buy comics or records than spend crazy money on sneakers. Sometimes sneakers come along that I'd love to own and this is just such a time. These are the new Wu-Tang Killer Bee sneakers which kick ass. Mainly because the Wu Tang label isn't too prominent and these fuckers are YELLOW, which kicks ass. Dig on them yourself:





They are available at the Dekline stores for 69.99

WHAT IF DISNEY WENT DARK?

These are some incredibly cool posters of Disney Princess turned evil by an artist named Jeffrey Thomas you can check out his website HERE. Dig thess prints first:

AN ORAL HISTORY OF OVER THE EDGE --THE GREATEST TEEN MOVIE EVER MADE

I don't hand out compliments lightly but believe me when I say Over The Edge is the greatest teen movie ever made. Mainly because it was just pure teen rebellion, nobody really learned anything and the end wasn't a hug that brought the world together. The funniest part is that this many years later the SAME STUFF is happening only the violence is getting worse.

Over The Edge was the first movie role for Matt Dillon who joined an all unknown cast in 1979. The movie was only released for a month or so before being pulled under fear of rioting. It bounced around at art theaters and such before finally getting a DVD release in 2005. If you're unsure of the awesomeness check out the trailer:



To celebrate the majesty of Over The Edge the folks over at Vice Magazine have written a story titled "OVER THE EDGE: AN ORAL HISTORY OF THE GREATEST TEEN REBELLION MOVIE EVER"

Definitely check it out

FIRST LOOK AT SHANG-CHI MASTER OF KUNG FU

For those out there who don't know Shangi-Chi was a character Marvel Comics brought into existence during the Kung Fu craze of the seventies. Though often a peripheral character Shang Chi has always been a solid creation with a rich history. Every so often Marvel breathes new life into Shang by giving him a new book or series. The folks over at NEWSORAMA have supplied me with an awesome ten page sneak preview of the upcoming Shangi Chi book.

Check it out here HI-YAAAAH HERE

AND YOU THOUGHT GHOST RIDER FUCKING SUCKED ASS

So if you remember way back in the 90s before Superman Returns was even a thought the big Superman reboot featured Tim Burton directing with Kevin Smith writing. Now as horrible an idea as that is nothing could be as bad as Nicolas Cage playing Superman. Think I'm wrong? Dig this photo recently unearthed:



Nope this isn't a joke nor photoshop, this is a real test photo Tim Burton took. Looking at this is it any wonder this Superman project got derailed? I could just see Burton's vision:

Superman has grown tired of being a Superhero. Though everyone loves him he has become disenchanted with always saving the day. One night him and Krytpo are saving people from a forest fire when Superman discovers a door that leads to a magic world where Superhero's aren't necessary. Desperate to discover how to make that world his Superman attempts to bring this new world to Metropolis with disastrous results. While trying to make Metropolis a new place the three little demons from the phantom zone kidnap the president of the other world and bring him to the biggest oogey boogey in Metropolis LEX LUTHOR. Can Superman save the day?

Featured song: "Here Comes Superman" as sung to the tune of "Here Comes Halloween"

CSI-MIAMI SEASON PREMIERE

I don't know why I love the CSI shows but I do, I really love them. CSI is creepy and weird, CSI New York tries WAAAY too hard to be cool and CSI Miami is like Miami Vice with a better budget. I don't follow these shows like I do Supernatural or Fringe but I still love watching them as a way to decompress from everything else. The CSI Miami season premiere is the first of the CSI premieres and I have to say it was actually a lot of fun to watch. I guess part of it for me is that I don't really "care" about the characters so it's fun to watch them run around in their sun soaked world and solve crimes wearing clothes no state employee could possibly afford. I mean when you watch two hot women study a crime scene in designer pants and wedges, that's good times.

When last we saw Horatio "Sunglasses" Caine and his merry band of crime solvers it was a grim scene. Agent Eric Delko had been shot trying to help is ex-con dad escape and when the season premiere opens up he's laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life. Is it me or do these producers always slap the shit out of Delko when they need drama? His sister was killed, he was shot in the head and now he's near death once again. I guess it's because everybody hates officer Ryan Wolfe so much and the producers have set Horatio up as superhuman. The interesting twist on the season premiere is that it's shot in two different time frames.

While the CSI agents look worried and do their best "heavy sigh" acting to show they feel bad about Delko the show jumps back twelve years to when Horatio Caine first arrived in Miami from New York. The show's been on for eight years so this takes us way back to before any of the crew even knew each other. Naturally there's a brutal murder and everybody believes one thing while Horatio believes another. The rest of the show jumps between Delko in the hospital and showing how the team got together.

Believe it or not there is some really interesting stuff in the flashback section of the show. Delko before he was a cop, Calleigh Duquesne as a bright eyed always smiling happy go lucky agent, Frank Tripp as a beat cop, etc. There is one silly moment where we first meet Natalie Boa Vista which I though unnecessary since they didn't try to sneak Ryan Wolfe in the flashbacks but whatever, it was still fun to watch. Nothing much happens in the "present day" section except Delko being sick but the "flashback" manages to go off the grid a little. Mainly it shows how nobody cared about forensic science in 1997 until Horatio showed up and used it to prove everybody wrong and convict the right man. At the end we hear mention of a guy named "Speed" as well as a tongue in cheek look at how Horatio got his trademark shades.

The CSI Miami season premiere was good fun, nothing incredibly deep or special, just a really good time at home on the couch. I'm sure Delko will be fine and within a few episodes it'll be back to killer-of-the-week stuff and I'll watch. For some reason the silliness of the show makes me love it and I still laugh to myself when Horatio makes some big statement and then slips on the shades.

Performance wise nobody does anything different. David Caruso still talks to everybody with his head bent to an angle, Delko still looks more like cheesecake than a cop, Calleigh bops around or looks "sad", etc etc. Stretching the parameters of "acting" isn't really what CSI is about so faulting it for shoddy acting just seems mean to me. If you're looking for deeper TV watch Law & Order but on those nights you want to veg check out CSI Miami.

FRINGE SEASON PREMIERE - MY REVIEW

First of all I'm sorry this is so late, life just grabbed both my testicles and screamed "EYES FRONT" and I had to listen. The ironic part in all of this is that when Fringe first started I would've never counted myself among its biggest fans. With the possible exception of Star Trek I've never been a huge supporter of JJ Abrams and the first five episodes of Fringe are some of the worst television ever committed to film. However somewhere around that sixth or seventh episode the show found its rhythm and continued to kick ass all year. It ended the first season with one of the most interesting cliffhangers in recent memory and I've been waiting for the premiere with baited breath.

Let's recap shall we? When we last left the Fringe Division of the FBI things were all wonky. Though they had stopped the madman trying to crossover into the "other" dimension agent Olivia Dunham was dealt a blow when she discovered our beloved Dr. Walter Bishop and the elusive William Bell had experimented on her and others like her when they were children. Fringe Division itself was in trouble as the "Pattern" became more widespread and the bizarre relationship between Fringe Division head agent Philip Broyles and Massive Dynamic head honcho Nina Sharp deepened. Then we had Dr. Bishop's son Peter and the sexual tension between him and Olivia as well as his constant desire to escape working for Fringe. The whole thing came to a head when Olivia found herself in another dimension at the top of a still standing World Trade Center.

I'm happy to report the season premiere opens up with a bang and never lets go. BANG, two cars crash in New york City. One of them has no driver, not one that got out or jumped but NO DRIVER at all. The second car's driver runs from the scene and proceeds to steal an identity in a way that says "Nope I'm not from around here". The first car with no driver is registered to one Olivia Dunham though she can't be located.

From there the season premiere picks up speed as Olivia returns from the other dimension in a most brutal way, we discover the other driver is actually there to kill Olivia and prevent her from having a "meeting", one Olivia can't remember at all. Agent Philip Broyles is told the Fringe Division will be shut down immediately for lack of results. Not to mention we still don't know what the hell is going on in Dimension Two with William Bell. Trust me the season premiere answers some questions but leaves plenty of others as well as giving a twist ending that kind of made me sad.

The one thing I continue to love about Fringe, which is the same thing that made me a die hard X-Files fan, is that I never know where it will go next or exactly how all the pieces fit together. This isn't like Lost which is so busy being secretive and "cool" that it's almost like an exclusive club only a few can join. Fringe manages to build on what we've learned in season one but not at the expense of people joining in for season two. We all get to watch pieces fall together at the same time which just makes for a better show I think.

Anna Torv seems more at ease playing Olivia Dunham and Joshua Jackson keeps his cringe-worthy snappy one liners to a minimum. John Noble continues to be brilliant as Dr. Walter Bishop as does Lance Reddick (one of the best things about the show The Wire) as Agent Philip Broyles. It's obviously too early to tell if season two will rise to the heights season one did but as far as premieres go it was definitely one of the best so far.

KILLING JOKE THE DEATH AND RESURRECTION SHOW TRAILER

I have nothing to say about this other than I worship Killing Joke and I wait for this film to be released with baited breath. ALL HAIL JAZ COLEMAN!!

THIS COULD ONE OF THE COOLEST BLOGS EVER

The blog is called COVERED and the idea is wicked simple. Artists from all over re-illustrate comic book covers in their own unique style. I know, I know it sounds boring but trust me it kicks much ass. Just check out the work here:

ORIGINAL



NEW PRINT



ORIGINAL



NEW PRINT



And that's just the beginning!! The blog also gives you the original artists names plus the new artists and how to check out their other work.

What are you waiting for go check out COVERED BLOG RIGHT NOW!!