Thursday, July 23, 2009
HOW TO FEEL LIKE YOU'RE AT SAN DIEGO COMIC CON WITHOUT ACTUALLY GOING
I'm probably the only sci-fi, comic, geek blogger out there who isn't at the San Diego Comic Con but that's ok because I don't need to be. I figured out an AWESOME way of being able to feel like I've attended without having to go. To make it work you'll need the following things:
Printed out posters of new "geek" movies coming out
a lighter and some gasoline
a CD of loud background crowd noise
a computer with a good speaker system
A superhero costume that doesn't fit
a few action figures
A medieval head vice
OK first put on the ill fitting superhero costume, it should fit something like this:
Once you've done that get in your car and drive a mile from where you live. Then get out of your car and walk slowly back home through as many crowded areas as you can. Try and make sure it's areas that it would be nearly impossible to walk through without bumping into people and where you move incredibly slow. Make sure you try and talk to people about the latest sci-fi movie coming out while they try to avoid you.
When you get home take out all your comics and burn them because....as we all know....there are no COMICS at Comic Con. Once all your comics are burned up put the crowd noise CD on and turn it up way beyond any possible comfort level. Then attach the head vice to your skull and twist it until the pressure it unbearable, then twist it a little more.
Once you're in that kind of pain alternate on your computer between movie trailers for "geek" films and videos of celebrities pretending they're into comics talking about their new project. Make sure this is as loud as humanly possible and that it's mixing with the unbearable crowd noise CD. For extra points find a lengthy video of Seth Green talking about anything and listen to it while jamming your finger into your eye.
Every so often crumple the printed posters of upcoming movies up and shove them down your throat much the same way the movie companies will if you were there. Alternate between that and shoving action figures up your ass until it bleeds.
After three days of this without stopping make sure to burn all the money you took out of the bank.
There, you've now attended San Diego Comic Con