Monday, May 31, 2010
Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About
It's a new week so it's time for another top 5 things in the world of entertainment I could give two heaping shits about. Yeah I'm not lost on the irony that I'm dedicating space to something I supposedly don't care about and aren't we all fuck clever for pointing that out. Regardless it gives me a chance to spew venom over wasted space about stupid bullshit.
5. THE GREEN LANTERN SYNOPSIS
Apparently the official synopsis for the new Green Lantern movie hit and while others are cleaning freshly spent man milk from their shorts I must once again take the stand and call BULLSHIT. First of all the movie apparently has Paralax in it, a character that doesn't come along for years after Hal Jordan is first made a Green Lantern and when it does show up it's a huge chunk of the mythology. So now Hollywood has screwed that pooch after already sodomizing a kitty by casting Chest Rockwell Du Jour Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan and some ill bitch from Gossip Girl as Carol Ferris. In Brightest Day In Darkest Night FUCK THIS MOVIE WITH ALL MY MIGHT!!!
4. TONY JAA LEAVES ACTING TO BECOME A MONK
I don't care about this because first of all I wasn't a big fan of the Ong Bak movies and watching this Jaa guy cry over elephants and flip around doesn't really fall under the "acting" banner so him leaving isn't the devastating issue it apparently is to others.
3. DONALD GLOVER WANTS TO BE SPIDER-MAN
I don't care about this because it's fucking dumb. Donald Glover, from the show Community, is an African American actor who wants to play Spider-Man. Well hoo hoo ha ha Spider-Man isn't black so why don't we stop trying to garner publicity for ourselves and let it go. Tell you what when Ryan O'Neal or Bruce Willis can play Martin Luther King or Malcolm X I'll be down with tossing the race of a character or person out the window when the movie comes up.
2. GUILLERMO DEL TORO WALKS AWAY FROM THE HOBBIT MOVIE
This is easy because I didn't really care about the Lord Of The Rings movies anyway. Nine hours of people walking, eating, complaining, hiding and then walking again just didn't constitute a big fuck deal for me. Worse than that while I enjoyed the Rings books they weren't a favorite of mine. I know, recall my nerd card, send me to hell, whatever. The only good news here is that Del Toro can do something else, let's just hope it's not fucking Hellboy 3.
1. GET HIM TO THE GREEK OPENS FRIDAY
This is number one because of my thriving, throbbing, blinding, red eyed, black hearted, bile inducing hatred of Russell Brand. This hack cunt shitbag isn't funny, can't act and has made his living being cute and trying to milk this "Look at me I'm over the top naughty boy" thing until the cow has turned to dust. The only thing I want to see that fuck up in is a Snuff Film where I get to ram a hammer into that stupid grin of his.
That's it for this week, have to fill my Camel like Hate Hump back up. Thanks to SLASH FILM For The Glover/Spider-Man photo. I can't use photoshop for shit.