Thursday, May 27, 2010

Another Update That Makes The Spider-Man Reboot Suck


So yeah we all know that Spider-Man is getting rebooted because, well, I have no real fucking idea and to be honest the reboot thing doesn't really bother me. I never thought Sam Raimi and his little crew nailed the Spider-Man movies and clearly by the third one they just didn't care anymore.

My problem is that this reboot is sending Peter back to high school in what's been outlined as Gossip Girl or 90210 with a superhero not to mention that of course this crapfest is going to be shot in 3D. Why? Well mainly because the Vomiting Demon Abortions who run Hollywood love a trend that might grease their scaly hides with more cash. The day of the great superhero movie is a thing of the past, these movies are now being made by committee so bend over and get ready for the spiked cock piece of mass marketing.

Anyhoo, the list of who will play Peter Parker/Spider-Man in this wretched undertaking has been sliced down to five and I gotta tell you, it just adds fuel to the fire in my belly to bring molotov cocktails to the houses of every studio head in Hollywood. Here are the five choices we have:


Yeah this kid would work if suddenly Spider-Man was set in a suburban grammar school and turned into a musical about how Jesus will help the web slinger save lives. Is it me or does he look like he spends his free time in a white shirt buttoned all the way to the top running around one of those Rock N Roll Churches singing about the Lord and the evil of Harry Potter?


I had no idea that the new direction was to take Peter Parker away from being a nerdy science geek and make him some street tough crystal meth dealer with a heroine problem who is not stranger to the sweet, sweet mouth of an older man with a hankering for little boys. Great fuck idea here you idiots.


This would be an awesome choice if Peter Parker was a European underwear model bit by a radioactive spider while sashaying down the runways during a Betsey Johnson fashion show. How am I supposed to believe this kid is a nerd with no ability to get girls when he's so fucking pretty I'd do him?


This kid looks like Russel Crowe and Leo DiCaprio had a kid, one with a serious drinking problem. If the new Spider-Man is a drunk irish brawling teenager from Southie then this dude might be the ONE!!


Not that this kid is a great choice since I don't know anything about him but so far he's the only one that might pull it off. True he looks like a slightly less good looking version of the dude that put the ABS back in Werewolf for the Twilight series but beggars can't be choosers.

To be honest if I had to cast somebody I might think about Elijah Wood. He can act and he looks young plus he's been out of the big time studio eye for a while so he could use another big movie franchise.

I hate everything

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