Friday, June 12, 2009
DECLARING FILMS HISTORICAL LANDMARKS IN CULTURE
So today Tony Scott started yapping his trap about the big Warriors re-boot or re-make or whatever term the Hollywood scum are using now. I understand that the remake train isn't going to stop running because it allows the emotionally, creatively and soul bankrupt world of Hollywood to continue to make a buck without even attempting to try something new. To be honest I could care less about a Predator or Conan remake, or Friday The 13th or My Bloody Valentine etc but there are some movies that remaking them just feels wrong. Things like Halloween, The Warriors, Taking Of Pelham 1 2 3, are not only perfect the way they are but also a testament to a period of time.
With that in mind I want to try and start a movement to get movies declared as Historical Landmarks much the same way buildings are. This would protect certain movies that have been around for over 20 years and also considered important to the cultural movement of film. Once this law was enforced the only way a re-make would be allowed is if every single person involved in the original who was still alive agreed to it. Sure some could be bought off but not all. John Carpenter didn't want a Halloween re-make but he had no choice so he said "Fine Zombie, do what you want". Now his brilliant original film has been ass-raped into this pitiful shallow husk of what it once was.
The same will be said for The Warriors remake. From Tony Scott's own slime drenched mouth comes the fact that the re-boot will be set in LA and feature thousands of gangs on a bridge who go crazy after Cyrus is shot and start pitching each other off the bridge. Oh and it'll be set in the future, let's not forget that. Basing this off of my lengthy involvement in watching films and studying how the vile slugs of Hollywood operate I figure to start they'll change the Warriors names to something like this:
SWAN: TECH ONE
COWBOY: DOUBLE BARREL
FOX: HOUND DOG
Plus the fucking thing will be set in LA? Um, it would take them 3 days to get back to their turf on foot in that town so now we'll have way more cars involved which sucks. I'm sure the Baseball Furies will be the Red Blood Killers or some such other name and it'll be a massive gun fight instead of a fistfight. It just gets worse and worse in my mind.
The Warriors worked because it was gritty and dark, once you pump a huge budget into it and add all this futuristic bullshit it isn't The Warriors anymore which means they'll only use the name to get people to go see a movie they know sucks. That's why we need this historical protection idea. To keep vile warthogs of satan from corrupting perfect movies. If we don't know then look for the Jaws, Citizen Kane, Star Wars and so on remakes down the road.
Who's with me?