Wednesday, May 13, 2009



It's getting mighty expensive to try and find out Douche Chill Ratings in Hollywood mainly because of guys like Brett Ratner, Jared Leto, and this guy Eli Roth. The expense comes in repairing my Douche Chill Rating Machine that seems to shatter every time I point it at uber douches like Roth. God this guy fucking sucks, a hack director who rivals only Rob Zombie in his inability to write or direct. Have you ever seen his movies? Between Cabin Fever and Hostel I figure this guy owes me a little over three hours of my life back and I'm just fine taking it out in blood.

First of all look at him, he oozes that douchey date rapist frat boy vibe that makes me want to beat him to death with a reel of his own film. Roth is part of what Hollywood calls the Splat Pack (oohhh isn't that fuck clever) which is a gaggle of horror movie makers that love excess gore and violence. What that really means is they are part of a trend in Hollywood where your young, hipster, geek-as-fashion-statement swagger seems to blind people from the fact that your movies suck. All of Roth's movies have uninteresting cliched characters involved in something so stupid that if it wasn't over the top violent people would be burning down the movie theater to get refunds.

Of course Roth is down with the king of Hip-Not-Talented Quentin Tarantino. Apparently Roth isn't just happy spewing his sewage as a director, he's now going to vomit on our souls with his acting in Tarantino's new film Inglorious Bastards. This is a hipster free for all that I hope fails as badly as Grindhouse did.

I can only assume that Eli Roth has photos of a major Hollywood producer or studio head with either a live boy or a dead girl because outside of that I'm having a hard time figuring out his career. Sadly one of his most Douche Chilling performances was in the documentary The Shark Is Still Working The Legacy And Impact Of Jaws. While the film itself kicks major ass it is nearly impossible to watch Roth without wanting to kick him in the grapes with a spiked boot. Everybody else is talking about how Jaws inspired them to become filmmakers but Roth can only talks about himself. How he knew he was doing the right thing because he read the Jaws log, how his brilliant films are being edited down but it was never like that with Jaws.

Well yeah dickhead Jaws was amazing, your films are the Gonorrhea of horror movies. They arrive, they're awful, painful and they won't go away. Now this cunt is going to direct the movie version of The Cell from Stephen King's novel. I can only hope when he has to direct a big budget movie that is forced to involve characters and dialog he fails on an epic level and has to go crawling back into the hole he was spawned from.

1 comment:

  1. 10/10 ...I have an almost inhuman hatred for Eli- Oxygen Thief -Roth , when he was born (no doubt with that shit eatin' grin on his face) the midwife probably slapped his dad.