Friday, May 1, 2009


OK everybody get ready to whip out your "Iann Is A Hater" card because I'm filled with venom on this one. Ever since No Doubt announced they'd be getting back together to record a new album people have been acting like it's the second coming.

So being a music fan I have to call BULLSHIT on that whole idea. No Doubt are not some seminal band with a great influence on music who have returned to show us all how it's done. This is an extremely average pop band that had two key strokes of luck. First off they had Gwen Stefani who clearly won the genetic lottery. She is so hot that most of the world largely ignored her awful lyrics and how she's a one trick pony when it comes to singing style.

The other stroke of luck was the their first album was largely written by Gwen's brother who left the band when it became clear they were going to sell out their original ska-ish roots to become a pop juggernaut. The brother wrote some nifty stuff so the first album was pretty damn good. Even with Gwen's barf-o-rama lyrics of unrequited love as told from the point of view of a 9th grader the songs were solid and well crafted.

After that pretty much everything they did either sucked or was so unbelievably average you were left scratching your head. Then you had to put up with the actual band itself which was awful. Is it me or does everybody want to smash the drummer in the head until he bleeds out of his eyes? WE GET IT DUDE you can take your pants off and wear panties when you play and rock a Mohawk and clearly try every cliche bullshit thing in the world to seem "CRAZY". I'm sorry your mother held you too long or not long enough but please, spare us.

Then we have the other two guys. First there's the bass player who always looks so smug you just want to grab the drummer by the ankles and beat him to death. I'd rank on the guitar player but his lot in life is already sad. The third tier "character" in the No Doubt cartoon. He's like the musical equivalent of the nameless guy who gets killed in the first 5 minutes of Star Trek.

Then we have Gwen, giggly, smiley, putrid Gwen. This chick got into music so she could make handbags and live the lifestyle. There is nothing about her that says she gives two shits about music. If you think "B-A-N-A-N-A-S" is some kind of awesome lyrical achievement then kill yourself.

No joke, just go kill yourself.

No Doubt are a one note player piano that somehow got stuck in the "on" position so they never shut down. They are huge because men want to fuck Gwen Stefani and girls want to look like her. Musically they are nothing more than a patchwork quilt that has taken shreds of various genres and slapped them together into something functional but not very impressive.

So to No Doubt and their "I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE BACK" self importance attitudes SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS

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