Thursday, August 6, 2009


Super hack director Robert Rodriguez hasn't finished trying to show us how cool and "outside the industry" he can be yet, which brings us to his latest mess. See ole' Robby has no real talent at all. He can't pace a movie, he can't direct one and he sucks ass as a writer. Want proof? Watch From Dusk Till Dawn in which Robby manages to make the film incredibly boring AFTER THE VAMPIRES SHOW UP. That's a real fucking gift he has there.

A few years back he and his fellow style-over-substance director buddy Quentin "Busy Re-editing Inglorious Bastards because it failed at Canne" Tarantino put out a large smelly pile of bloody donkey shit called Grindhouse. In an attempt to win more cool chips for their personal ego needs the two tried to re-invent the 70s Saturday afternoon splatter flicks and failed miserably.

While Tarantino's senseless and shockingly stupid serial-killer-uses-car movie was the worst of the two Rodriguez's zombie flick sucked as well. In order to really ramp up the hipster cool factor the two "directors" and some of their buddies made fake trailers for other movies that went into Grindhouse. One of those was "Machette" a kill-em-up violent action movie preview that is now going to be a real movie.

See Grindhouse was such a universal failure Robby's had little luck getting anything off the ground. Sin City II is stalled (thank GOD) as was his attempt to get Barbarella remade so his current squeeze Rose McGowen (she was going to star) would keep fucking him. Now Robby has decided to crack open one of his piggy banks and try to get this Machette movie made. The casting has been done and, like everything else Robby does, it's an obvious ploy to make himself look cool and show what a anti-industry edgy guy he is.

See all of these types of indie directors try so hard to think outside the box they become boring and predictable. This casting announcement is no different, check it out:

Danny Trejo: He plays the character of Machette and having been a "That Guy" staple in so many great movies it only follows that Robby would make him the star because it shows how he doesn't "care about the industry man, he's just out to make awesome flicks DUUUDE". The worst part is I like this guy and he deserves better.

Lindsey Lohan: This is so obvious it's painful. Lohan drags press where ever she goes because she's so fucking ridiculous. Not only that but since she can't get anything but arrested in LA she's down to do anything to jump start her career. This means Robby can get some great sex scenes and hot-girl-goes-violent stuff from her in ways she hasn't done before. Plus she's younger than Rose Mcgowen so maybe he can ride her to.

Steven Seagal: This one is a no brainier. This is Robby's attempt to try and take an 80s star and revitalize his career much the same way Tarantino did with John Travolta and Aranofsky did with Mickey Rourke (though Aranofsky seemed to have actually done it for the film not the cool factor). If it works then Robby can act glib and all "oh-shucks" when the media asks "How did you know Seagal would work out?" to which he'll answer "I was always a huge fan and it was more about what was perfect for the film." Which is gallons of horseshit. Really Robby, this is obvious even for you.

Jessica Alba: The cheesecake factor, put her in a small outfit and everybody comes to the movie. The bitch can't act so what else is she there for except to help the boner count?

Don Johnson & Cheech Marin: This is the kooky factor gone berserk. Hey let's get the guys who starred in the awful Nash Bridges TV show to be in our movie. The Kitsch factor alone will bring in all kinds of press. Hey maybe they can rocket out the kookyness factor and have Don Johnson write a song for the soundtrack.

Robert DeNiro: These guys always stick him in something to try and recapture their youth of loving Taxi Driver. Sadly DeNiro isn't that guy anymore so now it's just an old man trying to act tough.

These actors will bring in press and are easily controllable because they need something big in their careers and are hoping this Machette movie will be it. It's too bad because the movie is gonna suck. Don't believe me? Watch the trailer:

That's just the pretend trailer and it already feels forced and stupid, imagine once it has a budget behind it. Not to mention Rodriguez can't fucking direct or write so this takes on a whole new level of pants shitting awfulness. How does this hack keep getting money to do movies when everything outside of Spy Kids failed?

I hate everything


  1. Let me guess. Wrestler doesn't hold up to repeated viewings?

  2. Really? I find it to be incredibly awesome. It really doesn't stand up for you?

  3. "This is Robby's attempt to try and take an 80s star and revitalize his career much the same way Tarantino did with John Travolta and Aranofsky did with Mickey Rourke (though Aranofsky seemed to have actually done it for the film not the cool factor)."

    When I read this sentence I thought you were insinuating that "I loved The Wrestler when it first came out, but it doesn't hold up to repeated viewings." I guess I was wrong.