Friday, December 4, 2009


Let's be honest with ourselves as a people. Let's really boil down the reality of what we know collectively and agree on at least one constant in the universe, one thing that can be built onto to hold the fabric of reality as we know it. This is an absolute truth that, while disputed by some, is proven again and again by the examples. This harmonic convergence of circumstances that we can call reality is this:

The Spider-Man movies fucking suck.

Yes I know, it's a simple reality but one that can no longer be denied. The Spider-Man movies have been clunky, badly paced, horribly written and basically an affront to anything that was ever good about Spider-Man at all. Think I'm wrong? Think I've just got a big case of sour grapes? OK there buster crab let's check out the evidence and see what the fuck might be up. I have a feeling once I go all CSI on these "films", then put on my sunglasses and walk away while The Who screams in the background we'll know whose right.

First of all they made the Green Goblin look like a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger and had him cackle like a 1930s villain standing over a damsel tied to train tracks. While her alabaster breasts heaved amazingly in the sweaters and her fire engine hair made you want to show her your own self-made spider webs Kirsten Dunst sucked as Mary Jane. She just walked like a zombie through the entire film mumbling and screaming. Then there was the badly executed sub-plot with Harry Osbourne played with drunken rich kid boredom by James "One Note" Franco.

Then came Spider-Man two which was just boring, unendingly boring. All of the "I'm not gonna be Spider-Man" stuff plodded through without any point. The only worthwhile part of that movie was Alfred Molina who was way underused and then killed off? Why would they kill off Doc Ock? What fucking possible point does that make?

Finally there's Spider-Man 3 which was such a shit storm even fans had to hold their noses. Emo Peter Parker, a dance sequence, Topher Grace as Venom?, A sympathetic Sandman? Plus the most egregious sin of all introducing and then totally wasting the character of Gwen Stacey, only one of the most important people in the history of Spider-Man. It was like Sam Raimi and his buddies walked into the theater, pulled their pants down and took a big shit. Then stayed around and smelled it and rubbed it on the walls then called it a movie.

That all being said the most honest appraisal of our current culture is that Shit Floats so obviously these movies made huge bank off of mall crawling idiots and frat jocks who just bought a Batman t-shirt from Urban Outfitters. With all of that money yet another sequel is spawning forward: Spider-Man 4.

To make sure we understand how stupid the filmmakers find us, Spider-Man 4 is rumored to not only feature one of the stupidest of all Spidey's villains "The Vulture" but also something called The Vultress. So, let me wrap my fucking head around this latest pebble of Hollywood genius. Instead of giving us The Lizard (which seems natural since Dr. Conner has been in two of the four movies) we'll be handed the old man in the big flying suit. Oh good, just what I've always wanted to see, Spidey slap it out with the geriatric crowd. Apparently John Malkovich is in talks to play The Vulture which I guess is as good as anything else they could come up with.

Besides the massive suckatude of that the rumor that Anne Hathaway would be playing Felicia Hardy AKA The Black Cat is now being debunked. In what can only be called the stupidest move in Superhero movies since allowing Shaq to play Steel, Hathaway is apparently going to play The Vultress, a female Vulture.

I will repeat that

Anne Hathaway might be The Vultress, a female Vulture villain.

Well that's a good fuck idea, that took a whole bunch of bright thinking on the part of the reprehensible swine aka producers. I'd maybe give Sam Raimi the benefit of the doubt except he's become just another Hollywood victim, a guy who fell from grace by believing his own hype. Want proof, go watch Evil Dead 2 and then Drag Me To Hell and tell me two very different souls didn't made those films. A Vultress? Seriously, seriously......FUCKING SERIOUSLY!!!? It's not bad enough we'll watch one silly guy in a skin tight Vulture suit, we now will have to watch Hathaway in one and trying to be sexy. Sorry chimp, it's hard to be sexy in GIANT FUCKING WINGS!!!!!

Why not just find the guy who played Hawk on Buck Rogers and let him play Brother Vulture. it'll be a whole goddamn avian theme that Spidey will have to do battle with. I'm bummed that they might go this route but I'm not surprised. Marvel has been so busy jerking itself off with lotion purchased by Disney dollars they could care less what happens to their characters.

I hate everything

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