Wednesday, April 29, 2009
SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS LINDSEY LOHAN
LOHAN HOPING ALL THE WATER FALLING IN HER MOUTH ISN'T FULL OF CALORIES
For the inaugural run of Can I Get A Fuck You I figured no better place to start than with Lindsey Lohan. This crazy bitch had everything, EVERYTHING anybody could possibly want. Money, fame, love, respect, career, and it was all handed to her. She was maybe 12 when she played her first role and from then on it was big picture after big picture. She became the role model for little girls who ran out and saw her crappy movies and bought all her merchandise. She had critics thinking she might develop actual talent at some point so she was starting to get offered real meaty roles. CHRIST she couldn't sing worth a fuck and the crazy bitch managed to get a recording contract and sell albums.
Then she decided she'd play the "Party Girl Actress Card" for no fuck reason. It's one thing to do lots of drugs, stay out all night and act generally stupid in public when you're famous. Robert Downey JR is one of the many who pulled that shit and managed to keep his career alive. Lohan snorted enough cocaine to start getting Christmas cards from Bolivian drug czars who legally changed their name to Tony Montoya as well as seeing which alcoholic beverage supplier she could run out of business first. She didn't show up for work, started talking shit about people until movie executives started firing her and getting her off of movies. MOVIE EXECUTIVES did this. These lying scumwhores would stuff any pills they could find down the mouth of an actor/actress just to get them on set. Lohan managed to make it too difficult for these people, that's a real achievment.
I think it also sucked that she was so boring about it. Her whole thing read like a "child star goes awry" handbook. Britney had the common decency to shave her head in public, blather like an idiot and crash her car constantly but only going 5 miles an hour. That's at least fun shit to watch. Lohan decided it would be better to go by a tragedy child star checklist:
Go to Rehabd
Get out and do press tour about how much better it is being sober.
Go back to rehab and blame parents
Relapse into harder drugs
Don't show up for work enough to get fired.
Get in trouble with the law
continue drinking so that trouble gets worse
start high profile lesbian affair
try and make fun of yourself when lesbian relationship goes wrong
start losing so much weight you stay in the public eye because people want to see if you ever finally vanish into thin air
Hope that in 5 years a young director, who loved you when he was young, puts you in a cool indie movie so you can do the "career comeback" bullshit and show up at Sundance in a skully cap and sunglasses talking about all that you've learned.
DOUCHE CHILL RATING SYSTEM: 95% (IF SHE DOES HARDCORE PORN 50%)