Friday, March 20, 2009


The other night I was watching TV and I saw what I believe to be the pinnacle of how awful the advertising industry has become. Here, let me paint a picture for you:

It's late night, some Urban sprawl somewhere, Cool City USA we can call it. Bright lights, people around, etc. From out of nowhere zooms this red Cadillac car, passing all the traffic with ease. CUT TO: The driver, who oozes and oozes cunt. I mean he just drips with shitbag cuntidice. Imagine the bastard child of the dickwad from Maroon 5, Vin Diesel and Gordon Gekko from Wall Street. He's in a cool suit, with this look of "Yeah, I'm the shit." on his face and proceeds to say this: "You can work to fit in, you can aspire to blend into the background. You can work, dress and drive Urban Camouflage!! You can live by the idea that the nail that sticks up gets hammered down or (he shifts into HIGH GEAR) You can BE the hammer!!" CUT TO: The outside as the car goes EVEN FASTER down the streets of Cool City USA. When the commercial ended all I could think was...


That's it; it's a fucking car.

It's not a tool in a revolution, it's not the means to take drastic action in a world of mediocrity, it’s a fucking car, and an ugly car to boot. I just don't get advertising, it makes no fucking sense to me. They're all panicking because TV advertising dollars are down, advertising people are the soulless, bloodless, remains of a hedonistic society on the brink of destruction and yet they still are trying to sell people this dreck. Nobody sells the product anymore, most likely because the product sucks, so instead, they sell a lifestyle. You don't buy a car; you buy the cool life the cunt behind the wheel is selling. You don't buy clothes; you buy the lifestyle that dressing like this is supposed to afford you. Does that shit work? Are people's lives so fucking bankrupt that they believe shiny toys, new duds or some kind of electronic home theater system is the answer?

You even see this shit in an Applebee’s commercial. These young cool kids are sitting around laughing like they just smoked a big bag of skunk, feeding each other, cracking jokes and just rocking out to the greatest party ever. That's bullshit, you ever been to an Applebees? It's crying children, depressed old people and folks counting out change to cover their meal. Same thing with Olive Garden, it's not a big family reunion housed in a restaurant, it's mothers and fathers trying desperately to pretend this is a "quality evening out" because they have no money in Bush Era economics to feed their families, pay their bills and then have any kind of life. Those places are depressing but according to the commercials it is THE PARTY PLACE!!!

On the flipside of that you then try and get people who want to raise advertising to...cough cough vomit vomit...ART!! They try to make these either sardonic, wacky commercials or they pretend to try and be abstract. The two best forms of this are the "Office" inspired commercials and the Sprite commercials. The Office inspired commercials (inspired by the show The Office) has really been beaten to death lately. They take the normal everyday office life and try to elevate it to something wacky, or ironically dry. It tries to be artistic but usually gets annoying. Like the current commercial where the guy brings an IV to the office because he's "tired" of eating boring food. His Co-worker, confounded by the craziness of this, introduces him to Quiznos. WOW, that's funny, that's ironic, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE QUIZNOS...LETS EAT!!!

The worst of the lot is the attempts to make advertising art and the one that really grinds my patience into dust is the Sprite commercials where they try to use fast moving images to tell you about Lymon. The whole thing is a rush of images trying to be artsy. Two miniature Japanese women use a yellow/green (lemon/lime=lymon) heart machine to "shock" this full-sized woman awake with the lymon shocker. Then you have two sumo wrestlers, one painted yellow, the other green and they run full speed into this kid and he acts all "refreshed" blah blah blah. It's annoying because while they are standing around, patting themselves on the back on their artistic merits, they are still just hawking soda.

I know the next argument to come out of the Demon Brood Of Advertisers is " remembered our commercial and our product." Yes, that may be true but not in the way they want. 90% of all the humans I've ever talked to are inspired to not buy shit because the commercials suck. I wouldn't drink Sprite simply because it tries to sell me rebellion by screaming "Obey Your Thirst". I would rather blow up a Cadillac dealership than buy one since I saw that ad so these folks are missing the mark.

Thankfully, I have the answer.

It's time for a new dawn in advertising, time to really walk to the beat of a new drummer. Advertising should be split into two sections: True Advertising and Truly Bizarre Advertising. Statistics show us that people are not really motivated to "buy" products by advertising, the best that it can do is spark an interest. That being said, lets really spark some interest by leaving people scratching their heads. Here's what I mean:

FADE IN: Four stray dogs are eating out of a trashcan. They're barking, playing, eating, etc. Suddenly one dog looks up, looks at the other dogs and starts running. He runs through the streets of a city, through out its ally ways, past stores, etc. The dog gets to a wood shop and runs super fast, leaps and throws itself into a wood chipper. FADE IN: BUY KODAK.

FADE IN: A man is driving home, his car stops on a train track. The train hits the back of his car and the car spins and spins for 20 seconds, while the guy is screaming his nuts off. Finally the car stops, the guy breathes for a second and then lowers his head and starts crying. FADE UP: KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE

FADE IN: A pretty girl on the toilet, she's groaning, moaning, and really having a hard time passing this crap. We see her from all angles trying to force it out. Then, her face lifts, we hear a plop sound and she starts to breathe easier. PRUDENTIAL LIFE INSURANCE

FADE IN: A man, bloody, running for his life with a crazed look in his eyes. Behind him, ten rabbits with demon eyes and blood on their fur are giving chase. He leaps, ducks, bounds but finally trips. The man grabs a sharp stick and turns to face them, the rabbits have cornered him, and they’re making an awful sound. The man raises the stick and the charge at each other screaming. FADE IN: TAMPAX MAXI-PADS

There have been a few commercials that have nailed this idea of true abstract vision. The best one to date is the orange juice commercial with Robert Loggia in it. Here it is, check out what I mean:

See, that makes me want to buy minute maid RIGHT AWAY!!! So you can hit the public up with that kind of shit and then later hit them with the other side, the straight ad. Show a car; tell us what it does, tell us the gas mileage and then the price. Show the car from different angles and then the name of the car, BOOM that’s it. Same with stuff like coffee have a guy tell how much he loves coffee and how he needs it for his day and then why he likes whatever brand you're hawking. It's honest, to the point and the actual product doesn't get lost in the shuffle of the commercial itself.

Advertising is never going away, ever. So if it's not then lets make it really fun and really honest. No more shitcunts driving cars trying to sell the idea that you'll be forwarding independent thought by purchasing a Caddy. That's just stupid and insulting to the people who watch.

That's what I think anyway.


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