Saturday, October 31, 2009
I don't often review movies that I happen to stumble on when renting but this is a movie so awful, so completely devoid of anything that could even charitably referred to as decent filmmaking that I felt it was almost a public service to warn people about it. Surveillance is directed by Jennifer Lynch daughter of David Lynch and boy does she share his need to toss out character, plot, pacing and dialogue for mood and "quirkiness".
Jennifer Lynch is worse than her father because while she has all of his weaknesses she has none of his strengths. Surveillance is astonishing in it's ability to horrifically nihilistic and painfully boring at the same time. This is a shitty Saw/Hostel type film trying to masquerade as art. Here's how much I hate this movie, I am now going to give away the big twist ending so stop reading if you don't want to know:
BILL PULLMAN AND JULIA ORMAND ARE THE SERIAL KILLERS.
Okay so that will hopefully get people to not even see the film. Even if they curse me for giving away the ending I can sleep better knowing I kept some innocents from wasting two hours of their lives. Surveillance "plot" seems like it might be interesting when it first unfolds. There has been some kind of accident on a deserted road near a small town killing several people including most of a family.
Supposed FBI Agents Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond show up to investigate what went down. From there Surveillance becomes a series of ridiculous events and idiotic plot twists dragged out at a pace that rivals a legless horse pulling itself through a sea of glue. I'm not sure what sucked more, what was going on in the movie or the fact that I wanted to scream "GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT" about halfway through.
Surveillance is really a miracle of filmmaking in that it fails on every level. The script is a logical mess, the characters completely uninteresting, the direction non-existent, the editing sloppy, even the costumes are fucking boring. I guess Lynch figured if she threw in some odd camera angles and creepy music that she'd be compared to her father. Instead she hands us a movie that looks and feels like a pretentious film student's final project gone horribly wrong. I seriously can't believe that somebody green lit this movie.
It's as if Jennifer Lynch walked into a meeting room, pulled down her pants and took a big shit. Then she kneeled down and started waving it around and...sniff sniff...started smelling it. Then she smiled at the movie execs, blew them all and underneath the sheen of newly fired semen she managed to produce enough photos of these producers with live boys or dead girls that she got her money. When the big twist ending reveal comes it's so laughable, so badly handled that I kept scanning the movie backwards to see if I had missed something. Nope, not at all, just a bad script brought to life by a hack director.
To round out the bad script and shoddy acting Lynch also throws in the overly mature and creepy little girl that art house films way overuse, the two in love serial killers who act all oversexed and "CRAZY" by opening their eyes really wide and yelling a lot and even the incredibly hot drug addict (which I love because we all know how hot drug addicts are). The worst of these are the two corrupt cops whose motivations make no sense and are clearly there just as catalysts for the movie's clunker plot.
Surveillance is a great example of how fucking far the apple can really fall from the tree. In this case the tree isn't all that great so the apple that falls lands all rotted and brown. Jennifer Lynch is an awful director and even worse at trying to craft a script. She has no sense of dynamics, tension or character. I beg you to avoid Surveillance at all costs. Better yet if you see a copy steal it and light it on fire. If everybody joined together we could, as a people, destroy every last copy of this vile, boring and completely reprehensible piece of shit.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Yeah I know the title is a bit much but I fucking LOVE 24 and with so many other good shows either dancing the suck dance (Smallville), getting canceled (Dollhouse) or in their last year (Supernatural) I'm amped for anything I love to still be around. Plus this season looks to kick a whole lot of ass!! DIG IT!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
About a year ago I bought my first cat after years of being a sworn dog person. His name is Quint and he's equal part ass kicking awesomeness and total cunt, which is pretty standard for cats. Now that I own one I can see why people love them and I've even caught myself wishing i could get a second cat for Quint to play with (he has Feline Leukemia so he's a danger to other cats) but beyond two I have no interest. This documentary titled "Cat Ladies" by Christie Callan-Jones is a deeper look at women who take the whole cat love thing way too far. Check it out
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
It's been awhile since I posted any animation (yes I understand how that nullifies the whole Daily Animation idea so thanks and shut up) but today I found something by Chris Ware one of my favorite artists of all time. Ware put out (amongst other things) the Acme Novelty Company featuring Jimmy Corrigan the smartest boy in the world. Ware is heir to the Charles Schulz throne as the master of sensitive and extremely in depth characters for comics.
This is a short animated film Chris Ware did around a story from NPR's This American Life. I wish there was more of this stuff but for now enjoy this little gem.
This is a short animated film Chris Ware did around a story from NPR's This American Life. I wish there was more of this stuff but for now enjoy this little gem.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Paranormal Activity is a new ghost story thriller that shares a lot with the infamous Blair Witch Project from a decade ago. Executed on a shoestring budget Paranormal Activity is shot mostly with a hand held digital camera in what's supposed to be a series of home movies taken by new home owners Micah and Katie. While shooting the goings on of being a new couple in a new home the two attractive yuppies are suddenly barraged by what Katie thinks is a haunting. From there on the audience is subjected to chills and thrills through the eyes of Micah's camera lens.
Being an objective critic I knew going in that most of the "scariest movie ever" tag lines were just empty hype so I was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for was how incredibly boring Paranormal Activity is, how absolutely nothing happens until a ludicrous ending that made the Blair Witch Project seem like Citizen Kane in comparison. When the movie ended I was shocked, not by the content but by the fact it was over. Something else had to happen right? There had to be more right? Nope, that was it, credits started and the movie was all done. That was actually the most shocking part of the movie.
Paranormal Activity fails on three basic levels. The first is that the film never actually starts, it's a series of beginnings that just peter out. The noises, the creepy moving doors, the sounds, they all seem to tell of something really bad coming that never comes. I sat and waited for this dark entity to manifest itself and instead I got another creaking door. The lack of anything actually becoming of all these precursor haunts makes whatever this evil is seem pretty rudimentary and that saps the fear right out of it. How can you be afraid of a ghost that has the same schtick as Casper or Slimer.
Don't get me wrong I know this is a low budget movie so I wasn't expecting a full fire and brimstone demon arrival but there needed to be something besides footsteps, thumps and creaking doors. A shadow that moved, even the sounds of destruction and then finding the aftermath. Something that allowed us to feel in our bones how awful this entity is or is becoming. The one kind of scary part involving Katie being carried off looks more like something Conan would do to his new lover than the actions of a dark spirit. The darkness that's spreading never really manifests into anything that moves us to be truly afraid.
The second problem comes with how the movie is filmed. It's not that the whole hand held thing is an issue it just isn't handled well here. Micah uses the camera so much, films so much unnecessary footage that halfway through Paranormal Activity you feel like he's shooting a real movie not just trying to film the experiences he and Katie are going through. Once that set in I was constantly taken out of movie by my brain saying things like "Wow, these look like pick up shots." Then there's the fact that ninety percent of the "scares" happen through one angle. The camera sits at the far end of Micah and Katie's bedroom cloaked in "night vision". As soon as you see that angle you know something spooky is going to happen which pretty much saps the tension right out of the film.
The third problem with the film is that filmmakers not fully committing to making this a realistic film. They want to make it seem as though this really happened to such a degree that they don't allow it to happen organically. First the filmmakers thank the families and the police for allowing them to use this "footage" for the movie. Yeah, sorry, at no point would cops let footage like this be used for a motion picture, especially one where college kids were being filmed watching it in order to start an online frenzy.
The filmmakers also toss in this unnecessary plot point having to do with Katie's past that ruins the idea of how awful things randomly happen to good people. The plot point feels forced as if the director/writer watched the final cut and got scared people would pull an Amityville Horror and scream "Get the fuck out of the house" so he tossed in this plot point to avoid that. It's a cheap cop out for a tiny problem that could've been solved any number of ways.
Essentially Paranormal Activity is much like the Emperor's New Clothes; there's a lot of bells and whistles but nothing really there. You never care about Micah or Katie and you never really fear this dark entity that's haunting them. Sure there are a couple of cool jumps but that's about it. If creaking doors and thumps in the night render you speechless with fear then this might be a film you'll find terrifying. For anybody else the scariest thing about Paranormal Activity is that it sucks away 90 minutes of your life you'll never get back.
What you're looking at my friends is the new A-Team from the upcoming unnecessary movie version of a TV show that, to be honest, really kinda sucked ass. Let's forget about how dumb this whole idea is and just drink in this photo of the new A-Team. Seriously, just view it for a few seconds and let it flow over you. Now let's chat a bit about how totally incredibly fucking stupid this casting is.
HANNIBAL SMITH: Liam Neeson as Hannibal Smith? Seriously? I mean really, all jokes aside, seriously? What the fuck is this about? It's like Deniro and Pacino signing on for Weekend At Bernie's 3 or Daniel Day Lewis deciding to play The Greatest American Hero. I can only figure Neeson has a balloon payment due on a house or is in need of quick cash to keep a teenage girl with a suspicious pregnancy quiet for the rest of her life. Whatever it is I can't believe he's in this movie. Let's not forget that Hannibal is a macho idiot tough guy, I just don't see Neeson being able to pull that off.
Without even trying Neeson will give Hannibal some degree of subtly, some depth of character that makes it instantly feel like it's Ralph Fiennes up there playing a lame TV character. Try to imagine Neeson saying "I love it when a plan comes together"...yeah not at all.
HOWLING MAD MURDOCK: This pivotal part to the complex and layered story arcs around the A Team will be played by Sharlto Copley (District 9). I can only assume here that the filmmakers are going for some kind of tech-over-nutbag vibe for Murdock because Copley just doesn't seem to be truly crazy to me. If he plays it I figure it'll be like when he tried to play "nuts" in District 9. I'm also curious on why all the European actors to play parts in a TV show as all American as fake wars and apple pie.
It's not that ole Sharlto isn't a quality actor but he's not Howling Mad Murdock on any level. Personally I think that the A Team should have been a big slapstick comedy or a spoof, not some serious action film. I guess casting Fiennes and Sharlto is the filmmakers way of legitimizing it.
BA BARACUS: While UFC fighter Rampage Jackson definitely brings the toughness for BA Baracus he completely lacks the lovable quality. Mr. T was tough and could beat people's ass but he was also the kind of guy who hang out with little kids and smile when nobody was looking. Jackson looks like he'd eat little kids and only really smile once he'd gotten somebody to tap out. He also doesn't have the gold chains and that was part of the mystique of BA Baracus. Here's a guy on the run from the US Government and yet he manages to hold on to hundreds of various kinds of gold jewelry.
There's also the whole "afraid to fly" aspect of the old show. I don't think Jackson is afraid of anything much less flying. Not to mention if the rest of the team drugged Jackson and fooled him into going onto a plane as they did in the original show with Mr. T he'd just kill them all. Mr. T was tough but fun, Jackson is just mean and pissed off looking.
The only person who works here is Bradly Cooper as Face because Cooper seems like a slimy dirtbag and that's who Face was down deep. The only thing I am hoping is that in the movie people actually die. One of my biggest issues with the A Team show is that thousands of rounds of ammunition would be fired off and NOBODY ever got shot ever. Nobody died, nothing. I'm also curious to see how the handle the traditional A Team part where the music played and the team took scrapes of metal, q-tips, pencils and a pack of batteries and built a tank. Of course all of these questions can be answered when it comes out on DVD because these fools will not be getting my parents hard earned money!!
Ever since it was announced that George Miller had decided to continue the Mad Max franchise with Mad Max 4: Fury Road people have been going bat shit trying to figure out who will be playing the new king of post-holocaust demolition derby. Some have said Tom Hardy (Blackhawk Down, Star Trek Nemesis) is already locked in for the role and still others (mostly fans) have been ejaculating on message boards about how Sam Worthington (Terminator Salvation, Clash Of The Titans remake) is the only man for the job.
Now I have nothing against either of those guys. Granted I'm not a huge fan of their movies but on their own each man has his own unique gift he brings to the big screen. However, I think there's a relative unknown that would be perfect for Mad Max that folks should think about before any casting decisions are made. My pick for Mad Max is Misha Collins aka Castile from Supernatural. First up check the dude out, he's got the perfect look for it:
Outside of that he is brilliant at putting across that cool detached vibe that Mel Gibson made so necessary in Mad Max before. On Supernatural Collins character of Castile is an Angel but one trying to hold back a simmering rage. His demeanor and calm assuredness makes him incredibly bad ass on the show without any bullshit tough guy machismo. Not only is Collins perfect in his style and natural ability but also because he's still unknown enough to make Mad Max his own. Worthington will be tied to his portrayal of Perseus once the Clash Of The Titans remake hits and that will really take away from whatever goes down with Mad Max 4.
So that's who I think should be Mad Max in the new flick but if Hollywood holds true they'll fucking hire Justin Timberlake as Mad Max and Topher Grace as The Great Humongous. Anyhoo, here are some shots of the new Mad Max car and a bad guy car from the Mad Max 4.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
There are two very important pieces of business that I must get out of the way before I can start my review of Spike Jonze's new film Where The Wild Things Are.
1. Anybody who says this movie is bad, boring, Juno with puppets, or that nothing happens just doesn't get it, they never will so don't argue with them.
2. This is not an adaptation of the book and it's being horribly misrepresented in the marketing campaign.
Okay, with that understood let's press on with the review. Where The Wild Things Are is a fascinating work because it succeeds even when it fails. In other words the failures of the film are like the holes in a boy's imagination so it plays right along with the entire fable by making it all seem like a story made up as it went along. Director Spike Jonze has created a film that doesn't feel like adult movie wizards reproducing a child's fantasy nor does it feel like childhood remembered through the eyes of adults who tend to get overly nostalgic for it. This is childhood entirely through the eyes of a child with all the bumps, bruises, incredible creatures and confusing dark times that come with it. Though filled with monsters and forts Where The Wild Things Are is a more realistic movie about being a kid than any film in the last ten years.
The original Where The Wild Things Are book (written by Maurice Sendak) consisted of incredible pictures and ten sentences. In the book the boy Max is sent to his room for "making mischief" and a huge jungle with incredible creatures grows out of it. Max makes himself the king and runs around with the Wild Things until he becomes homesick and returns to his room to find supper waiting. The book is genius because it does in few words what so many books try to do with sentence upon sentence, it captures what it is to be a child. Trying to translate that story to film exactly would have felt a bit hollow because your imagination isn't there to fill in the blanks.
Knowing this Spike Jonze has decided to just tell a tale of a troubled childhood using the heart and characters of Maurice Sendak's original work. In the film Max is troubled and incredibly imaginative boy who is in a broken home with an overworked mother and a sister who is growing up and leaving him behind. Unable to deal with these realities Max (played incredibly by newcomer Max Records) acts out, driving everyone around him crazy. After one particular harsh run in with his mother (the always right on Catherine Keener) Max escapes into a boat and sails to a far away land where he meets the Wild Things.
What Jonze has done here is to inject the realities of childhood into Sendak's creation and really flesh out the story. Max's story is a messy one that goes from funny to melancholy to scary in an instant, just like the mind of a child. The creatures all represent various feelings that Max himself has but Jonze has smartly not assigned any one feeling to one creature. In other words there isn't an "angry" monster and a "sad" monster but instead creatures dominated by one personality but still able to pull of several others. For instance the monster Judith (voiced by Catherine O'Hara) is mostly negative, filled with doubt and paranoia but she can also be happy, funny and loving. The same is true of all the monsters, they are a real family born from Max's imagination not just caricatures.
When Max arrives and becomes the monster's king it's because they believe his lies, something that never happens to him in the real world. Max also finds a friend in Carol (voiced by James Gandolfini) who is the closest to his own personality. Watching Carol get angry, lash out, act juvenile and constantly fight with his monster sister CW (voiced by Lauren Ambrose) Max gets to see what he can be like without even realizing it. All of the monsters help Max see that in some way but without him understanding that's what's happening. Where as most films would make it a huge moral fable, Jonze allows the lessons to happen accidentally the way they usually do during childhood.
I was also impressed with how Jonze never made Max grow up too much, never gave him some silly moment where he stopped being a child and became a mini-adult in order to save the day. When relationship problems begin within the monsters Max tries to smooth it over by pretending. Build a fort, have a war, run around in a wild rumpus, because to him that's what will make things better.
It's not that Max is avoiding the problems, he literally thinks all the pretendinh will make these issues he can't resolve all better and when it doesn't he's crushed. Even when Max understands he needs to leave the Wild Things to go home he doesn't clearly understand why. Spike Jonze never allows the film to move from the perspective of a child, he never forces adult interests or morality on Max and that's what gives the film it's heart, integrity and allows it to keep the spirit of Maurice Sendak's book.
The film is also glorious to look at. I've never been one to toss the word glorious around but cinematographer Lance Acord gives me no other word. Each shot is masterfully planned out to not only be beautiful but to also feel like it's coming from the perspective or imagination of a child. Where The Wild Things Are never panders to it's audience, it doesn't give us easy answers or pat resolutions to things. You believe things will get better for Max but, like Max himself, you're not sure exactly why. Parents looking to take their kids to a Pixar movie with live action puppets are going to be really pissed when they walk out of this.
That's the reason the marketing is doing such a disservice to the movie. This is a movie ABOUT childhood it is NOT a child's movie. Childhood is scary, tense, messy while also being liberating and open to endless possibilities. Spike Jonze captures all of that with Where The Wild Things Are and that complete dedication to reality and truth may rub parents looking for eye candy to keep their kids quiet for two hours the wrong way. You'll also be pissed if you're looking for a straight adaptation because this is a story built from the bones of the book. Of course if you think a straight kids movie adaptation is what serves the book best then you didn't understand it to begin with.
There are flaws in this movie but like I said most of them seem in line with the holes in a child's story. The only two that really took me out of the movie were the soundtrack and the story of Max and his sister. Soundtrack wise the actual score is great but when Jonze starts filling scenes with hipster pop songs it feels wrong. A little boy doesn't think of background music featuring Karen O so why put it in the movie? As for the Max and his sister story I wish there had been one or two more scenes between them to strengthen that connection. Such a parallel is drawn between Max and his sister and monster siblings Carol and CW that you want to see more of where the scenario comes from. It's not a huge deal just something I would like to have seen developed a little more.
I found Where The Wild Things Are to be nothing but wonderful, a film that tugged on my heartstrings and made me remember what childhood was like. Not everybody will have that reaction because while Jonze has made a spectacular movie for all to see the film, at its heart, is a love letter to those of us broken home kids who used monsters, forts, pirates, dragons and whatever else we could to shield ourselves from a real world we felt uncomfortable and unwanted in.
I wish the marketing had been more along the lines of 500 Days Of Summer which went out of its way to make sure audiences understood this was not going to be a happy end love story but an actual story about being in love. That's the kind of adult marketing and buzz that Where The Wild Things Are needed. Despite all the ups and downs Where The Wild Things Are is a film that bucks the Hollywood system by being more substance than style, more content than flash. It has heart, integrity and lacks that typical Hollywood hipsters cynicism.
That alone deserves a loud monster howl.
Drag Me To Hell was the bane of my existence for a long time. When I first heard that Sam Raimi was going back to basics and doing a kick ass horror movie I was salivating to see it. The day it opened I headed to the theater for the early afternoon show, ready to be slapped around by Raimi's brand of comedy horror. Then the projection machine broke and I was sent home. Three other times I tried to see it in theaters and inevitably something always went wrong. Time screwed with me, my schedule was off, it was as if the fates were trying to prevent me from viewing the film. I even broke down and bought a pirate copy which was awesome until ten minutes into it and the movie was all in Spanish. Finally Drag Me To Hell came out on DVD and I was allowed by the fates to view the movie.
I kinda wish the fates had kept their defenses up.
There's nothing wrong with Drag Me To Hell but that's because nothing happens, at all. I sat watching the movie waiting for it to start and it really never does. Drag Me To Hell has no pacing to speak of, it rushes at some parts then slows to a crawl at others without finding a rhythm of any kind. Right when it looks like the movie is going to kick into gear the scene just peters out. There isn't enough of the insanity that made Evil Dead 2 so amazing, none of the twisted evil or morbid humor either. To be honest if it hadn't been advertised as a Sam Raimi film I would've thought it was some unknown director fresh out of film school.
The story of Drag Me To Hell is pretty basic, which I had thought would work to its advantage. Perky, pretty loan manager Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) is a really good person and one day she decides to try and impress her boss to secure a much needed promotion by denying an old gypsy woman a third loan extension on her home. Pissed at the denial the gypsy woman puts a curse on Christine that will bring a demon to Drag Her To Hell. Okay so the film starts with us watching a good person put through anguish and pain because she did her job? If I wanted to see good people suffer I could walk outside not head to the movies.
That plot point aside after a pretty cool confrontation between the old gypsy and Christine in her car the movie flat lines and never does anything else. A couple of times Christine gets thrown around and you see some creepy shadows but for the most part it's a bunch of talking. Don't get me wrong, I love dialog heavy movies but not when it's Sam Raimi and the title is Drag Me To Hell. Make with the demons, make with the carnage, make with the shit that made Evil Dead 2 so kick ass. Nope, not Raimi, he's gonna let us see Christine, her rich boyfriend, the fortune teller and the asshole boss chat it up.
Watching Drag Me To Hell is a lot like waiting in traffic. You keep thinking "Yep here it goes we're gonna move" and then nope, not you fucker you're gonna sit still. Raimi doesn't even throw the audience any cool curve balls to freak us out. If you've ever watched a horror movie or a Sam Raimi film you'll know what's going to happen before it does. The entire last fifteen minutes of the film is pointless because you've already figured out the big "twist" so you're just watching actors go through the motions.
I was also kind of mystified as to why Raimi made his heroine such a powerless victim. Sure Ash had horrible things happen to him in Evil Dead 2 but he fought it tooth and nail. In Drag Me To Hell Christine does nothing, she just stands around doe eyed, cries and screams a lot. She's such a victim that when she finally rises up to take action it's totally unbelievable.
Drag Me To Hell lacks humor, action, plot and characters to care about. To me this isn't a film by the man who made Evil Dead 2, this is a film by the man who made Spider-Man 1-3. Gone is the cutting edge insanity that once rattled through Sam Raimi's brain, it's all filled with spider-webs and lattes now. Everything in the movie is calculated, there are no original or exciting moments, the whole thing is a giant demon encrusted bust. I'm hoping one day somebody will jump start the world of horror films but for now it looks like Sam Raimi is out of the running
Okay before anybody starts yelling about how awesome Jackie Earle Haley is let me diffuse the situation by saying I agree, I think he kicks ass. One of my favorite movies as a kid was The Bad News Bears (where Haley played the bad kid) and I thought his turn as Rorschach was one of the only things about the Watchman movie that rang true to the comic book. Hell I'm even excited to see the new Nightmare On Elm Street remake mainly because I think Haley will be awesome as Freddy Krueger.
With all of that said I must admit that Haley as Sinestro in the new Green Lantern movie is a bad idea, almost as bad as having Ryan Reynolds play Hal Jordan. My fear in Haley as Sinestro has mainly to do with what Sinestro is and how I fear Hollywood is going to portray him. Sinestro is mad but he's not crazy, he's not the Joker of the Green Lantern Corps. Sinestro is regal, almost royalty in his attitudes and he's hard nosed to the point of making Dirty Harry look like the head of a bake sale committee. He splits from the Green Lantern Corps (he was originally the greatest Green Lantern ever) because he feels they are not hard enough on crime and corruption.
Sinestro want order and his arrogance in thinking his way is better leads to his downfall. Throughout his many attempts to destroy the Green Lanterns he never loses his respect for Jordan nor his love for Abin Sur the Green Lantern that trained him and gave Hal Jordan the ring. The conflict between Hal Jordan and Sinestro should be strife with betrayal, conflicted emotions and real dramatic tension. I don't think Haley's way of acting can portray that and therein lies the problem.
If Hollywood simply writes Sinestro as insane e.g. The Joker or even incredibly unbalanced e.g. Rorschach then they miss the point and the character will suffer as so many comic book characters have when translated to movies. Ryan Reynolds is going to be hard enough to swallow as Jordan, adding Rorschach dressed as Sinestro to the mix will ruin it. There's also the height issue. Sorry to be that guy but Sinestro his a giant dominating figure who seems to tower over everything, Haley just doesn't posses that.
Sorry Haley, I think you kick ass but you're not right for Sinestro.
What you're viewing is the new teaser poster for the biggest "event" to happen to Image Comics since Al Simmons made a deal with a Hellspawn and ironically it has yet again to do with Al Simmons. Image is about to launch Image United where the heroes that populate the comic brand must united against a single foe. Savage Dragon, Spawn, Youngblood and others will all be forced to work together for the six issue limited series penned by Walking Dead/Invincible scribe Robert Kirkman. The best part is that their common enemy will be....dun dun duuuuuun...Al Simmons!!
I know those of you who love comics are asking yourself "Al Simmons? He's Spawn, how can Spawn vs Spawn?" Essentially Al Simmons blew his brains out a few months ago and McFarlane has been introducing us to a new Spawn. When Al Simmons returns, apparently pissed off, it takes more than the new Spawn to stop him.
I'm amped on this story for several reasons. First off Image Comics has been loathe to immerse themselves in the constant "event" series the way the big two (DC, Marvel) have so when this series was announced it was actually different and exciting. I also like that it's a straight six issue series, not one that permeates every Image title currently going. Marvel (and on a lesser side DC) love to force you to buy every fucking hero they put out by running their events through every book. Add that to Robert Kirkman writing it and I am all signed up for the battle.
On the Spawn side I'm hoping this is the end of Al Simmons for good or if not that it regulates back to the Spawn books where Spawn new and old can slap out at each other. The first 30 issues of Spawn was some of the greatest comic book art and writing ever to be unleashed upon the world. Then it hit a wall and spent the next 100 or so issues retreading the same shit over and over. When Simmons died and McFarlane took the series over around issue 190 is sprang to life. As of right now it's kicking much ass, let's hope this Image United series either hammers the nail on the Al Simmons coffin to the new Spawn can grow or gives the new Spawn a serious foe outside of the Clown who has really overstayed his welcome.
Only time will tell
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Just a quick thing to put people's mind's at ease before I start the review. I'm not going to be doing a weekly review of Smallville so don't worry, the blog won't become cluttered with them. I'm mainly going to be doing them when a major guest character comes in or if something so ridiculous happens I need to blog about it. OK so, on with the review.
Smallville is slowly starting to remind me of Tinkerbell. It's become this little light that's slowly going out at the hands of evil doers and all we as fans want to do is clap really loud and say "I do believe in Smallville, I do believe in Smallville". I say this because the people currently in charge of the show don't believe in Smallville and apparently will not rest until they've run the show into the ground. This week's episode is a prime example of how people who have no concept of what Superman or Smallville is about are controlling the series.
This week Clark (or excuse me THE BLUR) faces off against Metallo played on the show by Brian Austin Green the kid from 90210. As the show begins Clark is still doing good deeds but refuses to break off fully from his past life to focus on his Kryptonian training because he loves Lois so much. Meanwhile John Corben (Brian Austin Green) is continuing his quest to try and bring down The Blur. Corben is hit by a truck and wakes up with a Kryptonite heart in this bizarre chest apparatus and a mechanical arm. Tess is also hanging around but mainly with some computer geek trying to figure out where Zod and his army vanished to.
The problems with this episode stem from the idea that nothing actually happens on this show anymore it's all set up and no pay off. If it's not set up and no pay off it's a rush to just get something on screen. For instance we're given no time to get to know Corben before suddenly he's hit by a truck and wakes up as Metallo. The whole driving force of his hatred of The Blur is Corben blames him for his sister's death. That idea is given a whole 6 minutes to marinate and somehow we're supposed to feel a connection to that whole issue.
I also wasn't happy that the producers tried to force it that Zod and his cronies built Metallo. How lucky they chose the one guy who hated The Blur huh? I understand that this is supposed to be another version of the Superman mythos but that doesn't mean trying to force a round peg in a square hole just for ratings.
The build up and no pay off equation really comes to light when Clark finally faces off with Metallo. Just like the big "battle" with Doomsday nothing really happens. They toss each other around a bit and then Clark welds a lead top to the Kryptonite heart which renders Metallo's Kryptonite heart useless as a weapon. Now why didn't Clark do that to begin with instead of this whole ham-fisted electro-bomb thing? So with the Kryptonite heart neutralized Metallo still has his super strength and now it's time for the face to face battle, right!? NOPE. Instead Metallo gets really angry and rips off the lead top effectively pulling out his heart and killing himself. WOW, that was good television. The only reason it wasn't as awful as the Doomsday fight was that it didn't take a whole season to get to.
Acting wise they've shifted the focus again to Lois and that's always a mistake. Erica Durance is a real miracle of evolution in that her acting gets WORSE the longer she's on the show. When confronted with Metallo who wants to kill her she says "When did you become a human light bright"..yep, top notch shit there.
Then there's Brian Austin Green as Corben/Metallo. Apparently somebody told Brian that if he worked out his abs and biceps it would strengthen his acting because that seems to be the focus of his "Metallo" side. Brian allows us to know that he's angry by breathing heavily and talking in the dramatic whisper, outside of that his acting chops are taxed. Combine that with how fake the Metallo heart apparatus looks and you don't get much of a threatening bad guy, which is a shame since Metallo is such a great character.
Then there's Chloe who continues to kick ass and be the emotional center of the entire series. Allison Mack is not only good as her own character but she also raises Tom Welling's (Clark) acting up to a respectable level. You can tell he needs a solid actor to play off of because his work with Erica Durance has zero chemistry and zero believability. I keep hoping the producers will go way off the reservation and have Lois die and Clark fall in love with Chloe because she's somebody you want to see stick around.
Another aspect of the show that kind of bugged me was the end when Clark suddenly returns after deciding that he can't turn his back on his humanity. I have no issue with that happening, in fact I kind of expected it, but once again the producers rushed it. The end of last season was all about Clark giving up his humanity as was the season premiere. He battled Jor-El about Lois, Chloe about turning his back on Clark and then BAM he's back and everything is okay.
Why not let that be an underlining theme for the entire season, why end it so soon? Personally I think that the producers know the ship is sinking so they're throwing anything they can at us hoping something will stick.
Hey guys check the ratings, your plan isn't working.
Well it's time again folks for that little slice of life that shows us why most celebrities aren't worth the paper they are printed on. I'm guessing that we as a culture unconsciously manifest all of our worst traits and ideals on famous folks because MY GOD do they act like self-deserving cunts. I always wait for the week that there won't be anything cuntalicious to report and every week there is. OK, let's get this shitstorm started.
CHANGING MINDS ABOUT ABORTION ALL OVER THE WORLD
If ever there were two prime candidates for the Steel Cage Death Match it's these two talentless self important bags of smelly dead rotting bull testicles. In the SCDM these two would have to fight to the death and the winner gets to be killed. Apparently Russell Brand a man who is so unfunny it's like taking a shit filled with sharp rocks in it just to listen to him tell a joke is dating Katy Perry. I guess he figures looking like Bigfoot from Bigfoot and Wild Boy makes him funny but all it does is make him look like Cousin It's cocaine and heroine addicted stepson. I'd hand this idiot a bar of soap but unless it was made of little girl vagina laced in meth he wouldn't use it.
Perry herself is a curious enigma simply because I think she's supposed to be a pop singer but so far she's just been a bouncing pair of alabaster breasts creating an imaginary target for flying teenage boy semen around the world. I asked like six different people if they knew who she was and only one guy said singer. The rest either thought she was a Burning Angel girl or the next Carmen Electra in that she was a pretty girl that rode celebrity cock to stay famous.
Regardless both of these vapid douche bags have found each other which means a melee of vinegar smells and flopping breasts to follow. I'm glad these two found each other because existing with half a brain and soul is hard to do. Now they can be one complete cunt instead of two halves of one.
WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF A HAS BEEN AND A NEVER WAS!!
Apparently hack director Guy Ritchie called Madonna "retarded" in a recent interview, which is all fine and good because realistically these two testaments of a forgotten age deserve each other. They should never have gotten divorced because, well, since they have Madonna has started melting and Ritchie has kept himself busy taking brilliant pieces of literature and turning them into action shitshows so Robert "EGO" Downey JR can pretend he actually matters.
I guess I love this story because both of them are such sad cases to watch spiral into nothing. Madonna used to be this big sex kitten type but her complete fear that the Grim Reaper is starting to plot his bus route to her door has forced her to work out waaaay too much and plastic surgery herself until she looks like a weird mutant creature from Star Trek The Next Generation. Did you see her dancing with Justin Timberlake in that video? It was so sad, like your buddy's drunken mother trying to hit on you.
As for Ritchie I never understood this guy ever. His movies were all bad Quentin Tarantino rip offs (which is saying something) with British accents. He always seemed so preoccupied with being cool he never actually directed a good movie. Now he's trying to make a comeback with Sherlock Holmes which I personally hope fails miserably mainly because they've fucked up the whole character so Richie can be cool again.
These two sad "retards" deserve each other.
LET ME BE YOUR MEAT PIE OF LOVE...
So super awesome good guy Kevin Federline has not only increased his appetite for snacks but also destruction (get it...appetite for destruction!! GOD DAMN i'm fucking funny) and now he's getting sued. Apparently his rented home in Tarzana California was left nearly destroyed and old Kevy Kev vanished with six months left on his lease. The house was torn apart, gutters ripped out, broken lights, bent light posts, broken dishwasher, etc. Now Kev is on the hook for $110,000 bucks.
See to me this is grossly unfair because it wasn't his fault. Obviously what happened was one of his pets snuck off with the last couple of Ho-Hos and hid them somewhere. After a lengthy workout of trying to ooze his Double Wide Charm (a term that works on two different levels) on unsuspecting 60 year old rich widows who need cock even if it is fat ex-back up dancer cock, Kevy Kev came back to no Ho-Hos and had to find them. In his desperate search a few unnecessary things were broken and now these damn asshole landlords want money for something that was clearly the cat's fault. Hang in there Kev a new day is dawning.
PS I also loved that he turned a room into a studio without permission, why? Was he hoping for another rap album to go Copper? Kevy Kev with a home studio is like Rush Limbaugh with a home gym or George Bush with a soul....it serves no purpose.
WHO LET THE DOG OUT?
OK I saved this raging shitbag for last because my venom for him is pure and never ending. For those who don't know this cunt is Michael Vick the football player that was arrested and sent to jail for having dog fights in his basement. Yep, dogs had to die so this shitbag and his loser friends could get their penises all hard at the type of carnage they can't get on the football field. It wasn't enough to jump on grown muscle men with pads and rub against them and dominate them in order to get the "ball out of their hands"...oh no. Vick needed real death and destruction so he could show how much of a fucking MAN he is and nothing says that like killing dogs.
After this waste of sperm was released the world relented in horror when he was signed to the Eagles to play football again. I didn't really get too upset because the ever devolving cesspool of humanity never surprises me. Who cares if this raging shitheel killed dogs, he could make us some quick money so throw a uniform on him and get him back out on the field.
As if that wasn't bad enough now comes proof not only that there is no God but that Satan has pushed the human soul in between his sweaty nutsack to dry up some old demonic ball cheese. BET is giving Vick his own reality show about the hardships he's going through. The moving masses of demonic larva covered in human skin (otherwise known as producers) are trying to say this will be a more serious show focusing on Vick's problems since his release. FUCK THAT, FUCK IT UNTIL IT BLEEDS AND DIES. I don't care how tough this cunt's life is, in fact I want to watch it get worse. This guy breaks the law, kills animals and then gets a big football contract and a TV show? Where is 2012 when you fucking NEED IT!!!
The best is that Vick says the show will be "a blueprint for teaching kids about adversity"
I will repeat that....
"A BLUEPRINT FOR TEACHING KIDS ABOUT ADVERSITY"
Well yeah, y'know, that makes sense, that's a good idea. I know all across this great land of ours, every 16 seconds or so, a child has a moral epileptic seizure and leaps from his yellow bus to try and find dogs to train into killing machines. Who hasn't held a family member close after their young boy or girl has been caught in the basement betting their Superbowl ring on pitbull fights. FUCK THIS GUY. The only show I'll watch of his is if each week he's slathered with blood and thrown into a pit to fight 25 hungry pitbulls. That's not only karma but DAMN GOOD TV!!
See you all next time.
Both of the people who read this blog with any regularity know that video games is the one nerd ship that sailed without me. I don't know what it is but they just bore me to tears, though oddly enough I can watch people playing them for hours. So lacking any real wisdom over gaming I tend to ignore when Zombie Dance Attack Warhound Space Duel 8 is released with the new bonus thrash-attack-electric-voltage-armband. However this new Epic Mickey thing seems awesome. A few weeks ago I brought you some images of the game (check that out HERE) which were awesome and now the plot has come up. Check this out:
* The game's plot revolves around "forgotten" Disney characters. Obscure characters from long-forgotten cartoons and rides have been cast into a dark world of broken-down machinery and very bitter attitudes.
* The main villain is Disney's first ever cartoon hero, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. Now a nobody, he has rallied the residents of the dark world and is out for revenge against the mouse that took his place as Disney's spokesman.
* Oswald unleashes the Phantom Blot, a monster that invades the Disney universe and begins to disassemble it by using black ink and making the colors of the world run
together (this explains the "melting" imagery used in concept art).
First of all how cool is it that they're bringing back the very first Disney cartoon character and that Disney is allowing him to be pissed off!! I'm also amped that they seem to be taking a really dark direction with this game. I doubt it'll be filled with Mickey feasting on dead intestines but it'll still be darker than Steamboat Willy.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I don't know who thought of this or why but the guys over at TOPLESS ROBOT turned me on to this and it's pretty fucking awesome. KLINGONS FOR JESUS is not only a really in depth hobby but also some of the best reading I've come across on the web in a long time. I'd become a convert but somehow the combination between religious nutbags and Trekkies makes me sick and terrified.
Still fun to check out.
This would be good and ugly
OK so to start with the above extreme skydiver outfit is how SYFY has decided to reintroduce The Phantom for their upcoming series. Guess it wasn't enough they shit the bed with their new "name" but now they've crapped all over The Phantom by turning him into a Smallville clone. Think I'm kidding check out the trailer.
Yep, told you, total shit. They even made the new Phantom look like the guy who plays Green Arrow in Smallville. I love the scene where they make the new ultra-cool hot boy Phantom roll his eyes and turn his nose up at the original Phantom costume. I guess it's not as pants shittingly bad as the Clark outfit on Smallville but it still sucks.
I hate everything