COOL SHIT IN THE CROSSHAIRS

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES--MY REVIEW

2011-08-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is the story of the beginning of the fall of mankind and the rise to power of our simian brethren. Watching the film the main thing I kept thinking was “this should be better”. Not just better, but more exciting, less choppy and a lot more visceral. Rise isn’t a bad film but that’s mainly because it isn’t a complete film, it’s more like two movies that got slammed together and neither have an ending. The entire thing is a jumbled mess of pieces parts necessary to kick-start the franchise but nothing is handled correctly and it causes the film to collapse under its own weight.

The story here is simple. Caesar, a chimp who grows to extraordinary intellect through an experimental drug is eventually driven to lead a revolt against his human captors. If the filmmakers had stuck with that premise and created a fast paced film that got our blood pumping then Rise would have been one of the best summer films out there. Instead, the folks behind the movie got way too bogged down in back-story that served no purpose and tried too hard to reinvent the original B-Film as a serious movie.

First and foremost is the James Franco character, a doctor obsessed with finding the cure for Alzheimer’s disease because of his once brilliant father now succumbing to it. Really? The filmmakers were in such a rush to make Franco’s character likable they had to give us the most cliché reason ever?

The father plot point also wastes the talents of John Lithgow, who spends half the time overacting his Alzheimer and the other half overacting his normal state. Franco’s slow drawl and monotone acting style take an already underwritten character and make him painful to watch. Nothing that the humans do here really has any impact on the story and they are grossly underwritten, or written badly across the board. As far as the film goes to show what their characters are, they never actually achieve it.

For instance, Franco is supposed to be the scientist with a soul, but his character never really shows us anything outside of soulful looks. The completely wasted Brian Cox piddles around without ever establishing who his character is or why he’s in the movie outside of being the guy who owns the monkey habitat that Caesar is taken to after he attacks a neighbor (more on that later).

Even the two bad guys never really do anything to make themselves truly evil. First is Tom Felton as one of the sons of Brian Cox’s monkey habitat owner. Felton’s character is supposed to be the ignorant redneck guy who picks on the monkeys and gets off on trying to dominate them. The film never bothers to explain why he hates monkeys as much as does and with the kind of hatred he has, it isn’t just annoyance at the job. There feels like something deeper is going on but the filmmakers decided not to try and deal with that. Felton’s character does stupid things but nothing really terrible, he’s an idiot but never really mean. His character has no weight so when he gets his comeuppance, you don’t care.

David Oyelowo, who plays the head of the typical “global evil company” funding Franco’s research, struts around in expensive suits and says mean things, but he comes across more as foolish than sinister. At one point, after several setbacks testing the drug, Oyelowo sees another monkey writing his name and suddenly approves it for mass production. Really? What drug would ever go straight to market because a monkey wrote his name? The lack of real evil to what he does makes his comeuppance seem overly cruel. So with no hero to root for and no villain to hate, everything comes to down to the monkeys, and they really don’t deliver.

The main problem is that reproducing a living being or animal without a lot of cash is a hard sell. When you’re Peter Jackson, fresh off the Lord Of The Rings, and the studio is throwing money at you; you can make a monkey always look real. When you’re Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, a tenuous-at-best attempt to kick start a franchise that hasn’t been relevant since the sixties, one that has the anchor of the Marky Mark version locked around it’s neck, the studio isn’t quite so forthcoming with the bucks.

Because of that the digital effects of Caesar never actually look 100% real. You never lose the idea that you’re staring at essentially a cartoon and it kept taking me out of the moment. In some parts the effects are so cartoony it felt more like Rise Of Grape Ape or Magilla Gorilla Goes Nutzoid.

Granted Caesar doesn’t really act like a chimp, he does things only men would do and I understand it’s hard for the brain to rationalize that. Still, Caesar tends to always look like a video game character. As well, the filmmakers went way too far trying to make him a sympathetic character. Making us care about a sweet monkey being abused isn’t hard, so all the endless shots of him looking forlorn or thinking or reacting in a “human” way begins to read more like movie filler than anything else. The only truly effective work is the final attack at the end of the film. Problem is, it’s the last twenty minutes of the movie. The rest of the film is so disjointed that you can’t get too excited by the final battle.

I lay most of the blame for this at the feet of director Rupert Wyatt and writers Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver. It apparently took two people to write this movie and at no point did either of them look at the script and say, “Hmmm, there’s a lot of dues ex machina here”. For example, Rise opens with the first test of the super drug Franco’s character is creating. It’s just about to be approved when their star chimp goes crazy, escapes and has to be shot. That outbreak looks like a result of the drug so they deny Franco approval. Then suddenly it turns out that the chimp was protecting a young baby that nobody knew she had. Um, okay?

First off, once that was discovered the project would have been back on line since it wasn’t the drugs fault. It’s not though; it’s just shut down. Secondly, NOBODY noticed a chimp had a baby? I’m no vet but I have to imagine with a star chimp in a lab somebody would have heard it giving birth and, correct me if I’m a wrong, baby chimps don’t appear like magic. There’s afterbirth, blood, etc.

So why do it? The first is so that Franco’s doctor can become so desperate he’s pushed into doing something desperate like using the drug on his father. The second was to figure out someway to introduce Caesar. That open section dictates the entire script. It’s chock full of things that just “happen” so the plot can be moved along. They needed a voice of conscious, somebody who warns Franco’s character of the dangers of what he’s doing. Cue the girlfriend, who appears, suddenly, falls in love with Franco though there is zero chemistry and no story and then leaves.

In another scene they need something that makes Caesar look mean, though he really isn’t, and allows him to be captured and put with other monkeys. Enter the awful neighbor who hates Franco for no reason and acts like a cunt just because it makes him easier to hate. Apparently, even though he lives next door to Franco and his father, the shitty neighbor has no idea that the father has Alzheimer’s disease, which allows him to overreact to a car accident and, when the protective Caesar sees the attack, he can flip out.

The most egregious of these scenes is the way the writers begin the end of mankind. I won’t spoil it, but from the start of that subplot to the end, none of it makes any logical sense. It’s all just things that happen to get to the end goal of setting up the fall of man. That particular string of circumstances is almost insulting. Rise is riddled with these types of situations and it eliminates any real story that could have been told.

For Rupert Wyatt’s end, the man did not pace Rise very well at all. The beginning is entirely too rushed, as is the end, while the middle drags on and on. Outside of the monkey revolution, the third act is the most riddled with problems. It feels as if Wyatt realized he hadn’t really set things up for the next movie so he started throwing random things in that had nothing to do with anything. They’re so badly shoe horned in that you instantly say “Next movie set up” and it takes you out of the current movie. From the get go sections that should have been allowed to slowly grow are rushed and scenes that don’t matter are either added in or dragged out.

Rise also hurts itself by giving us two hamfisted nods to the original Planet Of The Apes movie. When the nods happen they don’t work and seem weirdly melodramatic and dated as if the person involved would never have said those things. I’m all for nods to the original but do them well. These are so goofy I kept expecting for one monkey to walk up to Caesar with two pizzas and utter “Pizza Pizza.” Rise isn’t supposed to be a comedy but the two nods result in laughs during scenes where laughs shouldn’t be.

By the end of Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes your mind is scrambling to bring order to the jumbled mess you’ve been shown. I didn’t care about characters I thought I should, I was stumbling over huge plot problems, and I was pissed that there wasn’t more monkey war action. This isn’t Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes; this is how the apes moved to the country. I wanted and expected so much more from this movie. I can’t even recommend this as a popcorn flick because it’s too heavy handed, yet it fails to have enough dramatic resonance to be a drama and it’s not sci-fi enough to be a good sci-fi movie. It’s more an amalgam of elements that never quite gel together. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes is a rocky start to re-launching a beloved franchise.

Captain America--My Review

2011-07-24T09:50:00.000-07:00

Captain America is the best superhero movie since The Dark Knight.

Now before people start screaming for my head or ordering a straight jacket, let me explain what I mean. Watching Captain America something clicked for me, something that finally made me understand the ups and downs of this genre. You can only tell a comic book tale in two ways, either completely realistically or as a complete fantasy. The Dark Knight was the first, Captain America the latter. So while Dark Knight is a superior film, Captain America is just as good of a comic book film. Captain America works because it realizes it’s a comic book and never strays from that idea.

I’m actually interested in how Captain America will blend with the more action heavy and “realistic” heroes in The Avengers. Iron Man, it’s sequel, the Hulk and Thor all tried to straddle both the realism and fantasy lines and that’s where they failed. When a comic book movie doesn’t choose a type, it never settles on what it wants to be and usually becomes a mess. Iron Man started as a comedy, then tried to become an action film, it never really became a comic book movie so it felt, for lack of a better term, off. The sequel decided to be a straight action film but what was happening was too out of the range of those films so nothing quite gelled. It also suffered from being crammed with too much and losing focus.

The Hulk did a great job of grounding itself in reality but that just doesn’t work with the subject matter. It should have been a total comic book fantasy, without all this pretentious human drama that seemed out of place. Thor has done the best so far but got anchored by a love story that had no place and didn’t work. The fantastic and comic book elements of Thor were great, the attempt to also include the realistic aspects fell flat. Green Lantern, well, that’s just what happens when people shit on the source material.

But I digress. Back to the review.

First off, I owe Chris Evans a huge apology. He nails the character of Steve Rogers across the board. There is no trace of the sarcastic frat boy jerk that played the Human Torch. It’s clear Evans understands the core of who Steve Rogers is, that it isn’t about the power but rather that Steve Rogers represents the best in all of us. Evans not only plays that idea perfectly, he manages to do it during the awkward scenes where it’s only his face digitally placed upon the body of a short and very skinny stand in. For those afraid the digital Chris Evans on the stand in would look silly, it’s about a 90/10 split. Most of the time its fine, but when it looks off it looks disturbingly like Steve Rogers has a broken neck..

Stanley Tucci is wonderful as Abraham Erksine, the peaceful German scientist whose super solider serum was, against his will, originally used by Nazi scientist Johann Schmidt. Schmidt’s reaction to the serum turns him into the Red Skull, a super human enemy that Erksine feels responsible for creating. Without ever saying it, Tucci lets us know that his faith in Steve Rogers comes from how well he knows true evil that he can know just as well true good. It makes Steve Rogers commitment to always doing the right thing that much more believable. When Evans becomes Captain America he remains the good man he was before the serum, one who is ill at ease with his new powers. His journey from that man to the hero he will become is not only charming and funny, but also allows a nod to the cover of Captain America #1.

Some were nervous that Rockateer director Joe Johnston wouldn’t be able to pull off Captain America. I’ll admit, I was nervous to, but Johnston has made a beautiful ode to not only the hero but also Golden Age comics. Johnston understands that he’s doing the fantasy comic book movie and he never loses that tone. The film is shot like an old 40s war film combined with a fantasy comic book element. The previews for Captain America have drawn some fire for the action sequences. When Cap jumps or hits a bad guy it looks over-the-top, as if all done with wires. Within the context of the film it works perfectly and allows us all to know we’re watching a comic book come to life.

One of the best decisions Johnston makes is to play down the love interest. There is romance here but it’s kept to the side, making the end that much more tragic. Actress Hayley Atwell (as Peggy Carter) and Chris Evans do a great job of keeping their feelings just under the surface. Coupled with some nice touches from Joe Johnston, the relationship feels real but never gets in the way of the story. I was particularly pleased that Johnston and the screenwriters chose to have Peggy Carter really begin to feel something for Steve Rogers when he was still small and puny. It added a depth to her character that all the exposition in the world couldn’t have mustered.

The real secret weapon in Captain America is Hugo Weaving as the Red Skull. Trying to create a scary villain that feels like a real threat is difficult in a film with such an old school vibe. We live in an era of Saw and Silence Of The Lambs, so something like the Red Skull is hard pressed to be truly scary. Weaving accomplishes this by letting it all hang out in his performance. His Red Skull is so off balance and insane with power that you’re never sure what his next move is. Weaving is so good here that he makes the Red Skull a formidable villain without any real violence. Sure he’s going to destroy the world, but he’s using the power of the Cosmic Cube, which is scary but only in a very comic book way. It’s the complete dedication to the story that makes Hugo Weaving’s Red Skull so wonderful.

The rest of the cast is also first rate. Tommy Lee Jones is perfect as Colonel Chester Philips, the military leader that directs Captain America. Dominic Cooper’s Howard Stark is something people should really pay attention to. Cooper does some small things that mimic Robert Downey JR’s Tony Stark. You can see the father and son trait between them. Toby Jones holds his own against Hugo Weaving as Dr. Arnim Zola, The Skulls’ head scientist and even manages to steal some scenes.

Aside from the cast, the real power to how good Captain America is comes from the respect the filmmakers have for the source material. Everything you need to make a successful comic book film is within the pages of the comics themselves. When you stray from that, the movie is always off; it always fails to capture what makes these characters last for generations. Don’t get me wrong, there are changes to the original story in Captain America, but none of them disrespect the source material. Much as having The Joker in Dark Knight wear make-up instead of being burned to look like a clown, Joe Johnston makes several little tweaks so that the story is more palatable to a mass audience and the story flows easier. None of what he does feels like it couldn’t have actually been in the comic originally. Johnston with his direction and Evans with his acting maintain the source material’s integrity and that is what has Captain America standing head and shoulders above the competition.

For comic book geeks like myself, there are lots of little bonuses. For instance we get Dum Dum Dugan, Gabe Jones and Jim Morita. If you’re paying attention there is a funny nod to Evans’ turn as the Human Torch and the big Iron Man 2 Starkfest scene when Tony flies down to the dancing girls. I was impressed with how the story stayed true to the forties era war film vibe, but never lost sight of being part of a bigger picture. When Captain America wakes up in the modern age, it fits right in with the rest of the films. I was concerned when Evans’ Cap met Samuel Jackson’s Nick Fury it wouldn’t gel, but it does. Part of that is how Captain America opens; it’s a smart move that sets the tone for the end as well.

Everything isn’t perfect with Captain America, there is one glaring issue that will have purists bitching and moaning. Bucky Barnes. The story of Caps’ right hand man is completely different than the comic. To start, Bucky is a friend of Steve Rogers pre-Captain America, one who often comes to the rescue of Rogers when he’s getting beaten up.

SPOILER ALERT!!

Probably the biggest problem with the whole Bucky subplot is how he dies. It just sort of happens, and a little too quickly. Anybody expecting to see Bucky in a mask fighting by Caps’ side will be sorely disappointed, especially with the death. I will say that where the death happens could, in a comic book way, give rise to the Winter Soldier, but that’s a really outside chance. The Bucky problem isn’t huge, but the fact that the rest of the movie is so good makes it stick out like a sore thumb. The post credits Avengers trailer does a lot with a little. It generates some real excitement for the movie without showing much at all.

Captain America is one of the best surprises of the entire lot of superhero movies. I went into this film expecting to feel the same blind hatred I did when I left Green Lantern. Instead I found a movie that had me cheering, rooting for the hero and feeling like I was thirteen years old again. As the comic movie genre goes forward, I think directors and writers will look to the Dark Knight and Captain America to figure out which style of movie they want to make and how to make it. Both are prime examples of how comic book movies should always be handled.

GREEN LANTERN--MY REVIEW

2011-06-16T07:01:00.000-07:00

The opening credits to Green Lantern list four writers responsible for the film. I believe that because there are four films going on here and none of them have anything to do with the other. There’s a Lifetime movie-of-the-week romance where the complete lack of chemistry between the two leads is okay because we’ll just believe what they say because they said it.

The second is a clunky and badly paced action film. The third film is a spectacle of a visual effects film with zero substance and the fourth a pieces and parts movie about uninteresting characters doing nothing of interest. So, what happened with Green Lantern that’s made it a three hundred million dollar mess?

Before getting into that, let me explain the film for those unaware. Ryan Reynolds plays sarcastic and flippant Air Force pilot Hal Jordan. Jordan receives a ring from a dying alien named Abin Sur and becomes part of the Green Lantern Corps, an ancient cosmic police force. Abin Sur had been mortally wounded fleeing Parallax, the power of fear possessed by one of the Guardians, an ancient race that oversees the Green Lantern Corps.

After giving the ring to Jordan the dead Sur is taken to a military base and examined by Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) a mild-mannered scientist with serious daddy issues. Hammond gets infected by the bits of Parallax left in Abin Sur’s wound and becomes possessed, creating a psychic link with Parallax who is out to destroy the world. Ok, so again I ask. Why is this movie such a mess?

Let’s start with the bad romance. The main culprit here is Blake Lively as Carol Ferris. I think we need to add how this Gossip Girl “actress” got the part to the Riddle Of The Sphinx, the success of Glee, Vanna White becoming famous and all the other great mysteries out there. Lively has exactly zero screen presence or acting ability. Her eyes are absolutely dead and she’s clearly there to look good in tight dresses.

When lively is angry you can tell because her voice goes a little higher, when she’s sad you can tell because her voice gets weepy and her eyes open wider, etc, etc. There was truer emoting from Number 5 in Short Circuit than Ms. Lively. Ryan Reynolds (as Hal Jordan) is not a very good actor but he can handle romantic scenes (rom-coms are his staple) so the complete lack of chemistry is all on the female side.

The clunky and badly paced action film is the fault of director Martin Campbell. It’s surprising because, while far from perfect, Campbell is usually a more competent director than this. Action works when there’s a build up to the action scenes. If you want a perfect idea of an action scene watch Superman rescue Lois Lane from the helicopter wreck in Richard Donner’s original film. Green Lantern has no build up, ever. The action scenes just happen, they kind of vomit out there and end up looking great but having no real excitement. Once the spectacle of the action is over there’s just another scene, it’s a lack of build up and then an anticlimactic let down. It doesn’t bode well for an action superhero movie to be boring.

Besides the lack of build up, the action also manages to discredit the continuity of the film itself. After receiving the ring Hal flies to OA, the planet of the Green Lanterns, to receive his training. There is a fifteen minute training scene where Hal is told by Green Lantern super solider Sinestro that’s he’s unworthy of the ring and he’s beaten to hell by Killawog, the training instructor for the Lanterns. This sets up that Jordan is going to have to strengthen his focus and overcome his fear to really be effective as a Green Lantern. This theme remains throughout the film yet whenever the action scenes come, Jordan is a master of the ring, wielding the power as if he’s had it for years. It completely derails the emotional core of the movie.

The special effects movie with no substance lands squarely at the feet of the writers and Ryan Reynolds. The character of Hal Jordan is sarcastic and childish but he also has depth and stoic sense of pride and honor. Reynolds can do the sarcastic but that’s about it. The boyish charm that makes Reynolds a cash cow in the world of romantic comedies isn’t enough to carry him through here. His Hal Jordan never rises above the sarcastic insincerity so we never believe Jordan has learned anything.

In one particularly gruesome scene, Jordan goes before the Guardians to plead for his planet. It’s supposed to be a pivotal scene in the film, the one where we see Hal Jordan finally accept the burden and responsibility of being a Green Lantern. Instead it feels like a kid begging the dean of students not to revoke the frat charter because of the kegger the night before.

On the script side, the writers never figure out exactly what to do with the other Green Lanterns. It reads as if the writers got overly excited at the possibility for amazing special effects so they just wrote in scenes they wanted to see. The other Green Lanterns come and go, mostly as plot devices to get the exposition across. In actuality they serve no other purpose besides to explain things. Instead of a solid script where discovery is made throughout the film, Green Lantern just brings in various characters to explain what’s going on and hides that cheap exposition behind big effects.

The fourth film is the mess of what the other characters are doing. There’s Hal’s best friend, who serves no purpose other than badly written comic relief. We have the wasted Peter Sarsgaard as Hector Hammond. Sarsgaard does the best with what he has and proves how good an actor he is by rising above bad dialog that’s so cliché and silly I kept expecting Hammond to twist a fake mustache and laugh maniacally.

Let me be clear here, Sarsgaard is very good but he has zero to work with. At no point does the script make him a real threat or a credible villain. The final waste is Tim Robbins and Angela Bassett who are given parts and dialog better left to dinner theater. Everybody here just moves around, lost in a bad script and mediocre direction. The only other person who is effective here is Mark Strong as Sinestro. He nails the character across the board, even with the awful lines he’s expected to deliver.

Green Lantern also has no 2nd half. The first half sets up all of these roads that never go anywhere. We’re given this long pre-amble about how Jordan must focus and train but then suddenly Parallax shows up and Jordan has no problem kicking his ass. The end of the movie comes so quickly there’s not even a real battle, just some lofty special effects and an ending. What’s particularly troubling is the lack of basic structure. Mid-way through the film Hal Jordan isn’t very good at being a Lantern and the best Lantern warriors are picked off by Parallax like so much dandruff. When Parallax finally reaches earth, suddenly Jordan is the greatest Green Lantern ever. Really? Way to ignore basic plot progression structure guys.

These are the problems simply from a film perspective; I’ve ignored the massive liberties the film took with actual Green Lantern lore. Having been an avid reader of Green Lantern for over twenty years I was shocked by the complete lack of respect for the source material. The rumor on the farm is that this movie is a make or break for continued DC films, if it fails, then there might not be anymore after the next Batman. If this is the quality we can expect from DC and Warner Brothers, then that might be a good thing.

X-Men: First Class--My Review

2011-06-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

As I walked out of X-Men: First Class I kept saying to myself “It would’ve been great if this had been good”. I don’t say that to infer the movie is bad, it isn’t bad, it just isn’t good. With so many elements going for it, and so many things that could’ve gone for it, watching X-Men First Class fall beneath it’s own weight is more sad then upsetting. This isn’t some glorified summer comic book film that just looks for the big effects and movie tie-ins. The people here seem like they were attempting to make a great film, it just didn’t come together at all.

To use a metaphor, X-Men First Class is like a gorgeous mirror with a several cracks in it. At first they seem insignificant but combined they shatter the glass and ruin the mirror. The first crack in the film is the length. This movie is easily half an hour too long and that extra thirty minutes drags so badly by the time you get to the final battle, you just want it to be over. Making a comic book movie is a fine line between story and action. In a comic book 2/3 story and 1/3 action work fine, on screen it only does if the story is strong. The story in X-Men: First Class isn’t strong enough to withstand the long bits between action.

The length of the film is made worse by the second big crack, which is pacing. Director Matthew Vaughn does not know how to pace a film. If you’re going to cram a lot into a story, you’d better have Christopher Nolan or younger Steve Spielberg chops at storytelling. Vaughn doesn’t, and it shows in the pacing. Scenes that should be short and sweet drag on for too long, plot points turn for no reason and other parts just rush into nothing. There’s also too much set up and not enough delivery. Part of this crack splinters off into the editing, which feels like it was done with a machete. The film is constantly jumping from place to place to place; you never have time to get settled. When the editor does settle you in, it’s for entirely too long. Imagine running as fast as you can for bursts of thirty seconds and then slowly jogging for twenty minutes and then doing it again over and over. Annoying doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Another massive crack is the script, which can never decide what it wants to be. Granted part of that is how Matthew Vaughn directed the film, but this script is patchwork that it never gels. Everything is a way to get to the next thing, there’s no sense of story arc at all. When the new mutants (no pun intended) are brought into the fold by Professor X, it’s a quick jump from mutant to mutant. We never get to know anybody; thusly we don’t care about them. For instance, when Angel (not the original Angel butAngel Salvadore known also as Tempest) turns against her new mutant buddies to join up with Sebastian Shaw (played by Kevin Bacon) you don’t care. Why? Because you never got to know her, you have no idea who she is. Her turn is more of a plot device than anything else.

I think the script suffers as well from trying too hard to not be a typical comic book movie. Again it’s a fine line that not everybody can walk. In the Dark Knight, we got a good old-fashioned criminal caper flick only instead of Al Capone and Elliot Ness we had The Joker and Batman. It worked; the story was good enough to support itself. Here the attempt at political intrigue is just boring and slow. I think centering the whole of X-Men First Class on the Cuban Missile Crisis was an error in judgment. When a film tries to hard you can feel it trying to hard and that makes it difficult to watch.

The pacing problems align with the script during the third act. We’re set up for this climactic event that’s suddenly put on hold for a long-winded Rocky-style training scene for the X-Men. It comes out of nowhere and is so incredibly melodramatic it’s laughable. The final battle also feels like nothing but a trigger for Magneto. During the film Magneto is pretty much on the side of the Xavier’s team and by the end of the film there’s no reason for him to become Magneto. A great script would have left that alone, trusting that the next film could delve deeper into Magneto’s turn. This being a mediocre script suddenly the Russians and the Americans, who witnessed the mutants save the world, decide to unite and kill them. Out of nowhere, for no reason other than to piss Magneto off so he would turn into a villain.

The script also has a problem figuring out if it wants to be its own film or part of the franchise. There are cute little nods to the other three X-Men films but then the movie shreds the continuity of other parts of those same films. For example, In X-Men 3 Xavier and Magneto are still friends in their late forties, here they part ways in their twenties. I was also left wondering why the filmmakers chose the newer crop of mutants. None of them are very compelling, their powers are fairly feeble, so why not have Cyclops, Angel, Jean Gray, and Iceman join Beast instead of second stringers? I also hated the way they crippled Professor X, it was stupid and an unnecessary departure from the original story. Same with making Sebastian Shaw a Nazi sympathizer that kills Magneto’s mother. Shaw would’ve made a spectacular villain on his own merits, why weave him into something that never happened. I also don’t like when scripts force every little fan boy detail into the story and this one does it in spades, especially the final scene between Moira and Xavier.

The final crack is the acting, which is either sub-par or phoned in. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender as Professor X and Magneto are brilliant, they shine incredibly bright and do the same justice to the characters that Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen did. The rest of the cast is just limp. The young X-Men have no personality, no charisma; they feel more like the cast of a bad teen drama. The more seasoned actors, like Kevin Bacon and Oliver Platt just phone their parts in, as if they needed the check or just wanted to be associated with something young and hip.

Oddly, in the opening scene with Kevin Bacon, he’s wonderfully mean and cruel, a true villain. For the remainder of the movie he’s smarmy and flippant, like a grown up version of Ed Westwick’s character on Gossip Girls. I also have to question the casting of January Jones as Emma Frost. Jones must fuck like a demon or she’s able to suck the chrome off a bumper because outside of that I see no reason that she was cast for this role. Jones has a slamming body but is in no way pretty enough to be Emma Frost, not to mention she is now the heavy weight champion of one note acting.

I know it seems like I hated X-Men First Class, but I didn’t. There are things here that work, elements I really enjoyed. The idea of a more realistic mutant film, the muted style that really stands out against the shock and awe of something like Thor or Iron Man, the tone of the film, I liked all of those things. Sadly, it wasn’t enough to rescue the movie from the massive cracks it has, but I do give it an A for effort. One day Hollywood will understand all the aspects of the evolution of a great comic book movie. For now though, X-Men First Class is a failed mutation.

There Are No Words

2011-05-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

New Battles Video Kicks Ass

2011-05-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

Video is awesome, song is awesome, Battles is awesome.

My Little Ponies At The Movies

2011-05-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

I remember My Little Ponies. Well, I remember the phenomenon. I never watched the show or collected the toys and I hadn't thought about the whole thing for years. Then I saw these videos of movie trailers edited with bits and pieces from the cartoon. It's true this is all quite brilliant but what it's really done is made me think I want to watch My Little Ponies. This show looks so fucked up.

WATCHMEN

INGLORIOUS BASTARDS

300

THE DARK KNIGHT

Star Wars Saga Told In 5 Minutes With Legos

2011-05-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

Yep, this pretty much kicks ass. The prequel section is way better than the actual prequels, go figure.

EPISODE I-III

EPISODE IV-VI

Meredith Viera Sucks

2011-05-09T11:28:00.000-07:00

Apparently the Today show is running out of things to over-pay their "news anchors" to do so they've turned their attention to fucking things up overseas. Meredith Viera went to England to visit the set of Doctor Who. I should have known this was going to suck when the text for the segment read Dr. Who. I don't know what's more offensive, the fact that she has no clue what the show is or that she treats it like its some kind of new trend.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Game Over Man, Game Over....But Party ON!!

2011-05-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

I like things that come out of nowhere and make no sense. Take this disco version of the Alien theme from Ridley Scott's epic film. Nothing really here to set up, just enjoy the shit out of it.

THOR-My Review

2011-05-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

Thor was never going to be an easy movie to make. Unlike Iron Man, Batman, or The Incredible Hulk, Thor is a movie that takes place in two worlds. The fabled city of Asgard on one side and Earth on the other. From the outset director Kenneth Branagh had his work cut out for him and as Thor took shape, I became nervous. I wasn’t sold on the casting of Anthony Hopkins as Odin and I had zero desire to watch Chris Hemsworth botch the role of Thor. It seemed that the entire project would be just another stepping stone to the big Avengers film due in 2012. That didn’t happen, well, not entirely.

Thor is a mess, but an entertaining mess. The problems with the film come mainly from a lack of focus in the script and time spent in the wrong world. The story is simple. At the beginning Thor is an arrogant brute who starts a war with the Frost Giants for no real reason. His actions raise the ire of his father Odin who casts Thor and his hammer Mjöllnir out of Asgard, dumping both on Earth. It’s in the Earth realm that Thor learns humility and how to be a great king. If the script had stayed as simple as the idea, Thor might have been the best superhero movie since Dark Knight. Instead Thor becomes mired in Hollywood clichés and pacing problems.

The beginning of the film is flawless. Branagh knows how to direct an epic. The battles, staging, and direction of the Asgard opener are perfect comic book fare with a real respect for the source material. My initial fears of Hopkins and Hemsworth were quickly relieved. Hopkins is actually quite convincing as the all father Odin and Hemsworth knocks Thor out of the park. I wanted to hate him in the part but I just couldn’t. Not only does he nail the God Like swagger of Thor, but he also makes the Thor costume look really cool. The Frost Giants are well executed, as is the opening battle. Once Thor is banished to Earth the films problems begin.

When Thor gets to Earth he meets Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and her little crew of scientists. In the comics Jane Foster is the nurse girlfriend of Donald Blake, the man who can summon Thor by smashing his cane to the ground. For the film Jane Foster is no longer a nurse but an astrophysicist studying something that changes every time the plot needs it to. To be honest they never really explain what it is she’s doing or why her team is stationed in a small town in New Mexico.

Naturally a romance blossoms between Foster and Thor, one that helps teach Thor about humility. Portman is awful in this role. Calling her performance one-note is an insult to all the one-note actresses out there. There is zero chemistry between her and Hemsworth, absolutely nothing outside of the forced romance to move the plot along. Then there’s Kat Dennings as Brandy, the plucky comic relief, who utters things like “He was freaking me out” and takes pictures of Thor for Facebook. Brandy is so unnecessary and annoying I was rooting for her to die first. Stellan Skarsgard is wasted as the father-figure scientist who has absolutely nothing to do.

The Earth stuff fails to connect because it never rises above plot devices used to get from point A to point B. Thor’s relationship with Jane Foster and her band of merry scientists goes nowhere. The audience is supposed to buy that Thor is learning humility from this relationship but there’s no connection with the characters so you never become invested in it. The same can be said for the small town that Thor tries to lay his life down to save. The thunder god never interacts with the town so when he fights for it, it rings false. If Thor had become part of the town, learning little lessons about compassion and humanity from every citizen, the battle for the town would have had a greater impact.

Another glaring problem with the Earth section is the arrival of S.H.I.E.L.D. When Mjöllnir crash lands, it embeds itself into the Earth and only one who is worthy can remove it. A bunch of rednecks find it and a tailgate party emerges involving drunken yahoos attempting to remove the hammer. At one point Stan Lee tries to do pull Mjöllnir from the Earth with a truck, failing miserably. Then S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives and tells them all it’s a satellite crash and everybody agrees and clears out. Nobody says, “Um, but it’s a hammer.” Essentially S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives so Thor can learn the location of his hammer and, when he can’t pull it from the ground, falls to his knees humbled. It also gave a nice arena to debut the character of Hawkeye. Like I said, everything happens just to move the story along.

What saves Thor is the action in Asgard and performances of the Asgard cast. I was particularly impressed with Tom Hiddleston as Loki. His performance is layered enough to actually elicit sympathy, even in the middle of his dastardly deeds. Thor’s crew of warriors also plays their parts with an eye towards restraint. For instance Jamie Alexander ‘s portrayal of Sif never panders to blatant sexuality. It’s obvious she’s beautiful, but Alexander never gives any “go girl” looks or “come hither” stares. That decision allows her character’s warrior status to be believable. All of Thor’s crew manage to, for lack of a better term, humanize their parts There was a lot of trepidation about Idris Elba portraying Heimdall, but rest assured, he is awesome.

Anybody who is excited to stay after the credits for the big scene that leads into The Avengers, skip it. It’s true that it contains the Cosmic Cube and a nice set up for the Avengers movie, but it’s really nothing you can’t read about or wait to see on line. For comic book fans, pay attention to a billboard in the small town for a cool nod to the first comic book appearance of Thor

Essentially Thor suffers from the same thing most of Marvel’s recent comic movies do, lack of a 2nd act. Iron Man and Hulk both started and ended with a bang but sagged in the middle. I know this will bring some boos from the gallery, but I enjoyed Thor much more than I did either of the Iron Man films. Both had pacing issues, both had action that saved the films and both had plot points that sucked. With Thor, at least to me, there was somebody to root for. Hemsworth’s thunder god is sympathetic, even charming. Where Robert Downey JR was mainly a smarmy, egotistical dick, Hemsworth’s Thor comes across as an actual hero.

Is Thor a perfect comic book movie? No. Is it worth seeing? Yes

Look What I Found: Alvin

2011-05-03T20:21:00.001-07:00

This is some weird Alvin toy from Alvin And The Chipmunks. I found it on a bench outside a Bob Evans. It's supposed to make some kind of sound but it doesn't.

Look What I Found: Clone Trooper

2011-05-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

This is a Clone Trooper kids toy. I found it in the parking lot of Smash Burger.

Existensial Star Wars....In French

2011-04-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

Brilliant doesn't even begin to cover this. Thanks to the folks over at Topless Robot for this incredible video.

POLY STYRENE PASSES AWAY

2011-04-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

My lifelong obsession with punk rock girls started with just a few. Exene Cervenka, Dale Bozzio (yeah I know she beat cats but this was before that), Chere Currie, Joan Jett and Poly Styrene. These were girls that were beautiful but also pissed, spirited and incredibly talented. They inspired me with their music and, as I said, allowed me to develop my crush on punk rock girls across the board. This week Poly Styrene passed away at 53 after a battle with cancer. This was not only a loss to music but to the idea of non-conformity.

Stryene, whose given name is Marianne Elliot-Said, put together X-Ray Spex after releasing a reggae single in 1976 on GTO. Like most early punks, Said was inspired after seeing the Sex Pistols, so she put an ad out and the X-Ray Spex were born. The band only released one album, Germ Free Adolescents, which instantly became a classic and one of my personal favorites. There was a passion in the album, same as other punk bands, but it lacked the pretentious bullshit sneer that so much British punk suffered from.

After the band broke up Ms. Said stepped out of the spotlight and focused on battling personal demons including Bi-polar Disorder. She never stopped creating and being an outspoken voice against conformity or letting woman assume a certain role in the world of music. The later X-Ray Spex reunion and album wasn't the big return they wanted but it proved Ms. Said could still kick ass.

I've played the band's album all day and my thoughts go out to Ms Said's daughter and other family members. She was a hero to a movement and lit a path that many have followed. She will be missed.

RIP Poly Styrene

PHOEBE SNOW PASSES AWAY

2011-04-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

When I was a little kid my first pangs of musical interest were set by my father. He was always listening to something, usually country or show tunes, sometimes blues and even a few rock jams in there. One artist he was particularly fond of was Phoebe Snow. He played her records constantly and I began to get wooed by Ms. Snow's magical voice. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a fan at the age of six but I do remember her name being bandied about at parties and get togethers my parents had.

As I got older and started appreciating music full time, I went back to Ms. Snow's recordings and really became a fan. I also found great respect for her story, leaving an incredibly promising career to tend to her daughter Valerie who was born with severe brain damage. Ms Snow would release the occasional album but she didn't tour and didn't push herself. In 2008 Valerie passed away and Ms. Snow returned to her career to try and deal with the pain. Recently she suffered a brain hemorrhage and complications from that ended her life at sixty.

I remain a fan of Phoebe Snow and incredibly respectful of her story. She was a great talent with a beautiful voice. She will be missed.

Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About

2011-04-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

After many many months on hold, I'm back with five news items I could give a flying fuck about.

5. Lord Of The Rings Movies To Return In June To Theaters

I know I'm alone in the world but I really didn't like the Lord Of The Rings films. I tried, I worked really hard to try and be down with the hype but at the end of it all, as my good friend Andy says, it was 9 plus hours of people walking uphill and bitching. Then, for some reason I still can't figure out, the uncut versions were released and suddenly it was 12 hours of uphill bitching. Now, in order to juice the last bit of money possible from these dry ass movies (thanks Steve Harvey), AMC Theaters will be re-releasing all the movies again for people to sit and stare at. I'm sure lots of pissed off Nerds will be heading home to build a bomb for my car for saying this. Hopefully I'll have 12 hours to make my escape as these idiots pour over the re-release of Uphill Bitching Featuring Bling....oh, I mean Lord Of The Rings.

4. Double Bilbo Action

I know, I know, a second Lord Of The Rings shot seems mean spirited but I gotta be me. Apparently now, besides whatever actor is sabotaging his career by becoming part of a movie that's had more hold ups than South Central Los Angeles by playing the young Bilbo Baggins, Ian Holm will return to play old Bilbo. I'm assuming as book ends to this upcoming Hobbit movie. This will probably bring the whole told massacre to fifteen hours. My favorite was how Peter Jackson swore he would never do the Hobbit. Apparently the big monkey failure was enough to make him re-think that. Whatever, who cares?

3. More Faster And More Furiouser Fiver Or Sixer

So as America continues its journey to show the world it is the stupidest nation in the world, the fine citizens have decided to really push the goal forward but making More Faster And More Furiouser Part Five a super success. Apparently muscle bound cavemen talking tough and flashing guns while blowing shit up is what America wants to see. Now, on the heels of this shit storm comes news that the "actors" from this abortion of a franchise will return for another installment. The only way I'd watch this movie is if Vin Diesel admitted the truth and spent the entire film dressed like Captain Caveman and shouted that at the start of every car chase.

2. Bill & Ted 3 Has A Script

Seriously? Really? Didn't the utter failure of Scream 4 teach any of these Hollywood scum that nobody gives a rampant shit about a sequel twenty years later. First of all this is Bill And Ted.....I'll say that again....Bill And Ted. There was no reason for the first sequel and this makes even less sense. Are the old now? Did Wild Stallions become the biggest band ever? How will they replace George Carlin? No matter what it is, it isn't a movie that needs to be made.

1. The Avengers Started Shooting And This Was A Publicity Still

I'm not particularly pissed that The Avengers started filming because I've gone on and on about my problems with the film. My biggest issue is this shitty nudge-nudge-wink-wink photo with directors chairs for the members of the team. Really? Fuck you Marvel, just make the movie and stop being cutesy. You don't care about comic book fans, you don't care about comic books, so stop pretending you're "down".

Later
Iann

Snow White All Over

2011-04-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

This is a photo of a girl with an all over Snow White back piece. From this angle you can tell she's probably really hot and has a great sense of humor and loves Disney. Best part is if you're lucky enough to fuck her from behind and she's into it, you can bust a nut on either Snow White's face or the Evil Witch.

AWESOME

Eatin' Gelato, Eatin Gelato, Eatin Gelato, Stare At The Wall

2011-04-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

This is a most awesome sticker from one of my favorite places in Cincinnati, Dojo Gelato. Not only is their gelato amazing, but it comes in really interesting flavors. My personal favorite is either Mexican Vanilla or Cap'N'Crunch. I mostly get my tastings from Findlay Market, I've never been to the actual Dojo Gelato store. If you live in the area or you're visiting definitely check them out.

http://www.dojogelato.com/

THE BREAKOUT KINGS

2011-04-25T05:40:00.001-07:00

So I watched a couple of episodes of this new show called The Breakout Kings. The plot centers on a group of convicts that are brought into a special program to help cops find other convicts that have broken out of prison. The gist is that each convict they help catch will shave some time off of their own sentence. So week in and week out the show opens with some type of prison break and then our heroic team takes them down. The first time I watched it, I hated it. I decided I'd watch it a few more times just to make sure I hated it. Yep, the show is awful.

For the last few months I've been convinced that Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior is the most melodramatic and badly written show on TV. Turns out I was wrong. True Suspect Behavior is awful (Forest Whitaker should get an Emmy for Ham Of The Year within a subcatagory of Look At Me Look At Me) but at least it's not cliche to the point of being unbearable. The Breakout Kings feels less like a show and more like something put together via focus groups and marketing meetings. Toss in a rousing game of darts, where producers throw them at cliched character profiles to see who is who, and you start to get the idea.

First of all there's the plot. Is anybody else out there tired of these "Special Program" film and shows? It seems like nobody in law enforcement can do anything on their own so they have to bring in Special Programs. This special program makes less sense than all of them. Show in and show out the convicts don't do much but add comedy relief and look good. Thus far not one convict insight has helped do much but edge the plot along slowly.

The characters are also incredibly cliche. It's to a point that you wonder if maybe this show is performance art and they know how bad it is. Here's a breakdown of the cast. I don't remember character names, that's how bad the show is.

Black Cop Leader: Head of the "Special Program". Incredibly well dressed and groomed especially for a cop's salary. He is the smooth alpha male leader, equipped with street tough one liners and yet careful insight. He has his demons to battle but he's really a good cop with a dark view who wants to do right.

White Cop Flunky: He's the Joe Beer Drinker aspect of the cast. Big, burly, badly dressed and unshaven, he's the guy who goes to the cop bar, a real one-of-the-guys type. Tough and with bad attitude but deep down loves his partner and wants to do right. Uses terms in a bad New York accent such as "Scumbag" and "Dirtbag".

Black Convict One: Good looking, street smart but with an educated edge to him. He gets the streets and is the super alpha male of the group of convicts. Always says the right thing and his no-nonsense logic is supposedly vital to whatever it is the team is doing.

Hot White Chick: The girl who is too hot and too well put together to be a convict unless she was arrested in Milan for impersonating a model. She's way too street tough to have the manicure and haircut she has. She always bests the guys with that "Go Girl" sneer and when she beats them she always gives that come-hither look. Probably the most unbelievable character in the cast.

Smart White Guy Nerd: Hacker with cool haircut (apparently they style hair in prison) who is socially awkward and incredibly smart. This combination makes it okay for everybody in the cast to pick on and insult him. He also is always quoting some kind of "Nerd Thing".

Hot White Secretary: Bumbling and awkward, we know she's not hot because she has her hair in a bun and wears glasses. Obviously if you stripped away the painfully over-compensating demure outfit she's a raging hot lady but once again Hair-in-bun-and-glasses. She serves no purpose other than to have another hot chick in the show.

On top of the bad characters there's also really bad dialog. The White Cop "Howyadoin" guy refers to the convicts as animals and you get lots of "You're not out here to do (insert something), you're here to do what we tell you), or some variation of that. Lots of quick quips from the convicts as they engage in banter with their opressor cops. The criminals are usually one dimensional, either way too good looking serial killers or violent offenders who stay too quiet or make too much noise to actually be violent.

The worst are the outlandish prison breaks. If these idiots could really plan something that extravagant and well executed, I doubt they'd be in prison. Breakout Kings also tries too hard to be edgy and cool. Usually that kind of things comes out naturally through the stories and characters e.g. The Killing or Supernatural or Breaking Bad. Here it's like watching CHIPS as seen through the camera lense of an NYU graduate that spent most of his life making in-store videos for French Connection or Ambercrombe. I realize it's the first season but thus far the Breakout Kings can't escape from it's own cliched characters and plot devices.

SCREAM 4: MY REVIEW

2011-04-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

In 1996 Scream was released to great fanfare. During the hype fans gave the film the mantel of ushering in of a new era of horror. The Scream era was hipper and more aware era, showing how irony and movie knowledge could be injected into scary movies. No longer would characters in horror movies act as though the horror genre didn’t exist; now it would be an intrical part of every horror film to follow. The problem with Scream came with the convoluted sequels and, sadly, the fact that it did usher in a new age of horror. Since the original Scream the horror genre sank to a hollow low, taking the self-aware ideas in Scream and exploiting them until whatever original ideas the series had, was lost.

Fifteen years after the first film, the gang that survived Scream is back for Scream 4, and a whole new generation will be sucked into what Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson promise to be a new trilogy. I must warn anybody that was the same age, as the original players from Scream will feel ancient during this movie. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette all look good, but they also look old. The new film centers on Neve Campbell’s character Sydney returning to Woodsboro, her original home and site of the murders, to promote the self-help book she’s written. As soon as Sydney arrives in town the brutal killings start up again and off we go.

Scream 4 has a number of things going for it and I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. The film has lost the self-importance the second sequel possessed, and isn’t nearly as convoluted as the third. It’s the same kind of scary, good time fun that made the first Scream such a classic. The murders are outrageous, the dialog witty and the twist ending is sufficiently surprising. The new cast of young people on the chopping block are still pretty but much more technologically advanced, something that plays heavily into the structure of the movie.

Two major problems keep Scream 4 from being outstanding, and oddly enough one is old and one is new. The new problem is that the movie misses the opportunity to do to the current genre of film what the original did for that era. Scream 4 should have been a straight a to z horror movie, without any of the nods to other movies or self-aware one-liners that peppered the first trilogy. It would have said, in a subtle way, that the filmmakers realize what they started with the first films and now they want to reinvent the genre out of the repetitive mire it was responsible for creating. This should have been a movie about a slasher that left all the other hip nudge-nudge-wink-wink stuff at the door.

Instead Scream 4 is overloaded with it. It felt as if every scene was either slightly or overly saturated with references to the “rules” of other horror movies but how the new rules are the old rules without rules, etc. There are still film geeks who guide us through the maze of understanding modern horror but who seem outdated. In the era of digital downloads, netflix and youtube, the idea that we need specialists in this kind of thing is rather antiquated. Scream 4 didn’t need to remind us how hip it still is, it could have proved that by stepping out of its own shadow and not being so hip.

The “old” problem comes with the victims. For a film that seems so set in teaching everybody the rules of surviving a horror movie, none of the characters in Scream follows them. Somebody says the first rule of surviving horror movies is to never go out alone, yet the first thing a character does is strut on out into the empty house by him or herself. For every rule laid down, there’s a character that does something incredibly stupid to break it. This issue has stood against what the Scream movies try and accomplish since the original movie.

Overall Scream 4 is an enjoyable movie, one good enough to interest me in the next one. Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson finish the ending off in such a way that you’ll be flummoxed as to how the next movie will continue, making it all the more intriguing. I’ve always had a crush on Neve Campbell, so it was nice to see her back again. If Scream 5 can forget it’s own hipster legacy and allow for the characters to be a little less foolish, it might once again revitalize the current lost art of making horror movies.

I CAST YOU OUT (My Problems With Thor)

2011-04-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE MOVIE, BUT A MAN CAN DREAM

Recently, in the never ending quest to shill shit through a beloved character, 7-Eleven put together a big behind the scenes trailer for the new Thor movie. I've watched it a few times and come up with some frame-by-frame issues I have with the entire flick. I figure rather than just ramble on about it, I'd use this for some structure. Here's the trailer:

Now, here are my problems with it, scene-by-scene

Why does Asgard look like Vegas? There's more gaudy gold here than in any of Liberace's wet dreams.

Way to make Odin, the kind of the god, look like a feeble old man forced by his kids to play dress up. I kept waiting for him to ask for soft yogurt or pudding.

Apparently Odin doesn't so much strip Thor of his power as he demagnetizes him. I was also curious why he casts him out wearing clothes from The Gap.

First off, Kenneth Branagh looks old. Secondly, who the fuck cares what the producer has to say? This is the same dick who walks through Comicon on his cellphone with a new Thor t-shirt on that his assistant bought him. The type that relies on terms like "Richness of the characters" or "True to the source material" to mask the fact that he doesn't know shit about the character.

Did Natalie Portman just says Thor was from another planet? Actually looking at the scenes that follow during the producer's sloppy blowjob on the set designer, Asgard looks a lot like Naboo from Star Wars Episode I (aka rape my childhood). So did this "brilliant" designer just lift Naboo and decide to make it look like a Vegas theme park? Was it Natalie's idea?

Natalie Portman has never been to the desert?

Nothing like a guy from another country pontificating on the charm of a small country town. It's like when Americans go overseas and refer to everybody as foreigners.

Wow, you built a town. Clearly from this we can garner that you know a lot about the character and the history behind him. I mean you can't install fake computers into a fake town unless you've read a lot about Thor.

I want to introduce Jamie Alexander to my hammer...ohh yeeaaaahhhhhh

I do love that after a full minute of prattling on about the set and the explosions and the visuals, Kenneth tries to talk about focusing on the human dynamic and the passion, which is a Hollywood way of saying unnecessary love interest.

Why does Thor always look constipated?

Did we really need the Reservoir Dogs/Armageddon tough guy walk scene with the gods? Why is Loki looking at the jewel from Jewel Of The Nile?

Why is Heimdall black? I didn't realize Norse Gods had an overabundance of black folks in their ranks. Not to mention he's NOT black in the comics. Guess if it works for the Kingpin and Nick Fury, it'll work here.

I do like the ending WWE move from Thor.

So that's it. It seems like this movie is all about the effects and the visuals because nobody here knows anything about Thor. The guy they go to play him is all wrong, but that may only be because Thor shouldn't be brought to life.

Mulenium Falcon The Musical

2011-03-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, This Kind Of Amps Me For The Avengers

2011-02-14T10:19:00.000-08:00

As anybody knows I am not a fan of the upcoming Avengers movie. I think Chris Evans is a horrible choice for Captain America, I'm not 100% sold on the Thor movie and I've never thought Iron Man was any great shakes. That being said, this fan trailer pumps me up for what the Avengers movie could be but probably won't.

The LEGEND OF ZELDA CLUB

2011-02-13T03:28:00.000-08:00

These guys are pretty incredible. Not only did they make a movie trailer using every John Hughes eighties movie ideal combined with Legend Of Zelda but they also shot it to look like it's a VHS tape recording. I'm not really a gamer, so I brought this to a friend of mine who lives for video games. He got twice as much out of it as I did and said they nailed everything they needed to. Dig it!!

GOD OF WAR!!!!---The Indie Film?

2011-02-13T03:22:00.000-08:00

Here's another awesome video from the guys who did the Legend Of Zelda as a John Hughes movie. This is Gods Of War as if it was a Wes Anderson indie film. Again, these guys nail it and I'm not even a gamer.

The Miracles Vs Metallica

2011-02-12T19:38:00.000-08:00

JOY DIVISION VIA PLAY MOBILE

2011-02-10T13:43:00.000-08:00

A Captain America Movie I Might Actually See

2011-02-10T13:31:00.000-08:00

Um....So.....Uh....Yeah.

2011-02-10T03:04:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what to say, there are really no words.

FUCK THE GREEN LANTERN MOVIE

2010-11-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

This should clear up the idea anybody had that this movie wouldn't suck huge, entire, stinking ass. This trailer pisses me the fuck off because ti effectively kills the idea that we'll ever have a decent Green Lantern movie.

I hate everything

TRON CLIP MAKES ME NERVOUS

2010-11-19T11:32:00.000-08:00

Now I'm not saying this has me totally freaked out but it does force me to stop and pause my insane giggly excitement over the film. Check this out first.

TRON: Legacy Exclusive Clip - Sirens Dress Sam

I have a few issues with this clip. First of all, why would there be a place to dispose of clothing? Really, why would their be a place to dispose of anything? Computer programs don't eat, drink, shit or do anything else that requires disposal. Second, why do the girls have make up and hairstyle? Why make them sexy? They're programs? The original Tron made everybody look the same, even the woman, because they were programs, not people. The only reason they had any human characteristics was to give the idea that programs too the personality of those who designed them.

This clip makes me think that Tron Legacy might make the computer world too hip and sexy, too human. If the Hollywood idiots have decided to glamorize and sexualize what is supposed to be the inside world of computers, that might suck. The only way I could see to make it work is if Flynn being there has done something or if the information age has somehow enhanced a computer programs understanding of what humanity is.

Either way the four chicks walking backwards like that is stupid.

HOMELESS DOUBLE KERMITS PERFORM UNDER PRESSURE

2010-10-04T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if this guy is really homeless or a performance artist but this is very cool and oddly touching.

THROBBING GRISTLE VIDEO PROMO

2010-10-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

The worst thing about this video is I won't be able to get to Europe to see them

THROBBING GRISTLE PROMO 2010 from Industrial Records on Vimeo.

AND SO IT GOES....

2010-10-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks but Cool Shit In The Crosshairs will be going the route of mainly cool video posts or little bits and pieces. Between school, my job, http://www.craveonline.com where I do most of my writing and then living life I don't have time for this blog like I used to. I hope you keep checking it out for the cool video stuff and other things.

Later
Iann

In Case You Were Out Shopping For Me

2010-08-26T11:33:00.000-07:00

Some of you will get this right away while others will scratch their heads and try to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. Don't you see? Can't you view why this T-shirt is a wonderous thing?

It's got a Tauntaun and a Wampa and they're skiing

HELLLOOOO THEY'RE SKIING!!!

If you don't get it I don't know what to do with you except ask that you buy this shirt for me because I WANT it and I'm fucking broke. For those looking to buy check out T-SHIRT LAUNDRY.

Thanks to TOPLESS ROBOT for the update.

THE WALKING DEAD ALL OFFICIAL LIKE

2010-08-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

Not much to say here that I didn't say when the leaked version hit. Amped on the show, love the comic, can't fucking wait. Here's the hi-end official trailer for The Walking Dead TV series.

DRAGON DICK?

2010-08-25T07:03:00.000-07:00

HE IS GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT

Since I was a little kid I have loved me some dragons. I played D&D, saw Dragonslayer (in the theater) about 10 times and pretty much salivated over anything having to do with the flying beasts or lore. Since then finding a good dragon movie has been a tough road to hoe. The last one I can remember was Dragonheart and even that was just okay. Since then there's been the god awful D&D movie, the equally shitty Reign Of Fire starring Christian Bale and Matthew Mcoughnowhatshisname. Now comes Age Of Dragons, a dragon movie based on the book Moby Dick by Herman Mellville.

The film stars Danny Glover as a crazy bastard looking to kill the Great White Dragon that slaughtered his family. Between the many dragons, the hot chick, and Glover kicking the ham acting up a notch I will be forced to see this movie. Add to that how Moby Dick is one of my favorite books and now I'm even a little excited to see it. Here's the trailer:

A MOSQUE FALLS IN NEW YORK

2010-08-24T07:50:00.000-07:00

PATHETIC, SAD AND IGNORANT (A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS)

I try not to get too involved with politics because it's nothing anybody will speak about in a real and concise manor. Nobody gets together and discuses anything, instead they fight and argue and try to center their party to be ruler of the universe. Our political system is so corrupt, so devoid of anything besides theft, bribery, collusion and so on that it only represents the worst in who we are.

However watching this whole business about a Mosque being built near Ground Zero and the incredible amount of ignorant hysteria around it sickens me. Let's clear something up right now, let's just set it in stone so we can move on. The Muslim Religion had nothing to do with 9/11, nothing at all. If you have even a general idea of what Qur'an is or what it's about you'll know that a Jihad is both a war of faith and a practice to combat oppression against the Muslim religion.

If it has a war ideal to it, it's fighting against other soldiers and people who create violence against the Muslims. Killing thousands of innocent people is not what the Muslims are about, it was a bastardization of the meaning by a war mongering political faction.

Sound familiar?

We in this country have oppressed, destroyed, fought and killed over our idea of Religion being the correct one for hundreds of years. What is the difference between George W Bush and Osama Bin Laden? Well, both are spoiled rich kids handed a huge leadership they then used for personal gain. Both have poisoned the idea of faith and religion for political reasons and both send others to die in a war they started. Not to mention both have killed thousands in the name of their persona beliefs. However if a church was refused in a Muslim community America would shit itself.

Moving away from all the political semantics there was no actual Mosque to be built anywhere fucking near Ground Zero. First of all it was a (approx) 15 story community center with a Mosque in it. It would also have a culinary school, after school programs and other community based things open to everybody. If all races and creeds are there when exactly are the people crammed into the top floors worshiping their God going to train terrorist soldiers? The entire idea is ludicrous.

The building is also going to be about five blocks from Ground Zero not on it so lets at least get the facts straight. According to a few news reports there is a full fledged Mosque even closer to Ground Zero that's been there undisturbed for longer than the Twin Towers were around. Let's face it folks, the terrorists have won because we are no longer America.

Every hillbilly redneck who is protesting this Mosque or any person that believes it is disrespectful has basically shit all over what America is supposed to be about and the memories of every soldier that died for the ideals of America and the flag. If we are now so terrified that we can begin dictating what can be done in the name of prayer we're no longer America and 9/11 has done it's job for the terrorists.

Trying to hide this fear behind a respect issue could be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Does that mean certain parts of the world should kick out all the Catholics because of the Crusades? Should the world fear America because we believe in a God that has caused more harm and death than any other? No, of course not because those who have done that don't represent our God correctly.

Much like the terrorists and the Muslims.

Americans love to get on a kick about how fucked up it is that everybody blames all of America because of the actions of a few e.g. racial murders, swindles that rob people of everything they have, etc. Aren't we doing the EXACT SAME THING. Are we so blind and stupid we can't even see that? We've taken a request to build a Community Center with a Mosque in it five blocks from Ground Zero and treated it as if these people wanted to build 70 foot posters of Osama Bin Laden right where the buildings fell.

I lived in NYC most of my life and I was there when the attacks happened. The way we reacted, the sense of us vs them, the nationalism that crept in over night was embarrassing. I remember certain idiots burning down delis and stores owned by families from India because they thought they were Muslims. It wasn't a time of great unity, for the most part it was utterly horrific how people responded.

I'm not a Republican or a Democrat so you can shut that shit down right now. I don't blame Republicans or the right because those who hold close to that party are delusional soldiers who live to take orders and obey no matter what the reality is. The Democrats are pussies, little bitches who talk a big game and then don't do shit. As Lewis Black says our two party system is basically a big bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.

Before anybody tries to throw the "you didn't lose anybody" card let me squash that beef right now. My father died of AIDS, a violent, horrific disease that invokes nearly as much ignorance, violence and terror as the idea of terrorists moving into the city. I've had people from all religions tell me my father was burning in hell, that God killed him because he deserved to die, that AIDS was God's way of purifying our world.

Those specific people I want to beat to death with a pipe however if people not like that who still followed those Religions wanted to build a church near me I wouldn't call it disrespectful. I'm not a dick or hateful to people with faith because of a few assholes. See what I'm saying?

America needs to shit or get off the pot. We have two choices left and the time to make that choice is now. We either aspire to be the America we say we are or we don't. To be the America we say we are then we take the high road always. We believe in Freedom Of Speech even if we don't like what we hear, we don't take political or Armed Forces shortcuts, we always do what's right, just and considerate of all people.

That way will lead to attacks from those who think it's weak, to people who will exploit our high road and use it against us, it won't be easy. However if we did it then we would be that shining example and other countries would take up with us and a sense of brotherhood could emerge.

The other choice is to stay 'Merica, that good old boy redneck ideal that we have now. We keep doing all the underhanded, ignorant, violent shit we always have done but we own up to it. Instead of pretending we're a shining example and then really being underhanded scum (which is why so many hate us) at least if we came clean we'd be honest. I'd hate to live here but at least the hypocrisy would be gone.

I'll fight, kill and die for America but 'Merica can kiss my ass. I don't want to be from a place that dictates who can be in love and be married, that apologizes to BP for being treated harshly after they released a natural disaster the likes of which we may never recover from fully. I have no interest in a place where teachers, policemen and fireman are losing their jobs while mammoth corporations proven guilty of theft hand out big bonuses. Why would I want to fight for a place where anything can set off a chain reaction of violence and ignorance?

And why would I be proud of a country that keeps people from being able to worship in times when faith is all a lot of people have?

America dies a little more each day and 'Merica grows stronger. If 'Merica continues to progress the way it has then how far from another Nazi movement are we really?

70'S KIDS REMAKES PART I: KING KONG

2010-08-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this is but it looks real to me and as a child of the seventies it shattered my nostalgia bone instantly. I had those exact same clothes, that hair, all of that shit and I spent time with my friends (yeah I had some then, crazy right) acting out movies we liked. Granted we didn't have the forward thinking of this bunch but it was still cool.

The 70s Kids is a group of kids from the era who remade films they loved, the same way I did when I was young. I'm going to present all of them here starting with King Kong. Dig it!!

You Got Michael Cera In My Keanu Reeves!!!

2010-08-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

I know, it's blasphemous but I didn't like the Matrix, never have and I never will. People got so amped up by the super original plot but if you really look at it The Matrix is a slightly skewed version of Terminator. Machines take over, life sucks. I was also not impressed by the slow bullets and harnesses labeled by so many as the brilliant effects. Perhaps my most inflamed criticism of the movie was how even though they desperately needed Keanu Reeves to help them and to get involved Laurence Fishburne spoke to him in riddles through the entire film. I never could figure that plot point out. Anyway I got shit for not liking that and I got shit for my thoughts on Scott Pilgrim. Here they are together again!!

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: THIS SITUATION SUCKS!!!

2010-08-24T05:56:00.000-07:00

Everybody has been forced to become familiar with The ~~date rapist douche bag living cartoon~~ Situation, one of the cast members of ~~vile sewer abortions mate and drink~~ The Jersey Shore. For those unaware (and how I envy you) The Jersey Shore is another of MTV's attempts to reduce humanity to blathering idiots via a reality show about Guidos and Guidettes showing off their muscles and acting like the mentality handicapped moose shits they are.

Apparently The Situation, a nickname for Mikey Bagga Donuts or whatever this cunts name is, will earn 5 million dollars this year because...well....um.....nobody is really sure. Yep this guy has awesome abs, he just can't spell that word. He has great hair but if you asked him about the Tortoise And The Hare he'd start freaking out thinking there was a turtle on his head. This guy is like the male Paris Hilton, a complete waste of sperm and egg that has tapped into the stupidity of America and the ability for the Corporation Shitbags to capitalize on it.

This dink earning a lump of cash for the second season of the show seems reasonable in the fucked up world we live in as does his new workout video given that The Situation can't seem to keep his shirt on. I figure it's like any other kind of evil. When we all get too close to realizing what a living cunt bag of ignorance and stupidity he is the shirt comes up to blind the people of that reality.

Where I start to come unglued is the fact that this guy is getting acting roles in movies. Um, has anybody seen the show? The Situation can't hold a conversation or speak in straight sentences for more than maybe eight seconds. What's he going to do in a movie besides take his shirt off? My personal favorite is his autobiography titled....get this...."Here's The Situation". HOLY SHIT is that clever. He must've pulled the one muscle he doesn't use to come up with that fucking awesome play on words. First of all just because this moron became famous doesn't make his life interesting. I can just imagine how it'll read:

"So like y'know me and Tony B. were like lookin' for hooes and shit and like I was amped cause it was fuckin summer and shit and like I had my shirt off and my muscles were ripped like Rambo and shit. So I was drunk and shit and fuckin Tony B saw this fuckin bitch slut we used ta know so we like got the hooer drunk and then fucked her. At one point Tony B had her from behind and shit and I walked up and slapped his ass. That bitch was none the wiser"

Well I'm probably being generous but it seems close enough. I also love the idea of a guy who can't read writing a book. Do you get a six figure salary for submitting something in crayon? Is this a choose your own adventure book where you decide if The Situation works his abs or his triceps? This is the world we live in folks, this is the world we've created for ourselves. I can't wait for the rising of the Old Ones or 2012.

Oh and Situation I'm not a hater I am THE HATER.

So from the bottom of my chubby, black, hate filled heart

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS

STRAIGHT OUTTA NASHVILLE!!

2010-08-23T20:56:00.001-07:00

The folks over at BOING BOING hipped me to this amazing mashup by a guy named DJ Topcat.

Check it out by clicking HERE

A FILM UNFINISHED TRAILER

2010-08-23T19:32:00.000-07:00

Usually this blog is mostly for me to be snarky, grumpy and downright mean. However sometimes something comes along that is too important for all of that. A Film Unfinished is just such a movie. The documentary deals with a discovered reel of the Nazi propaganda machine. Thus far most of the Nazi footage we've seen is inside the death camps but this reel is a different kind of horror, a deeper lie than we've known before. Here's the trailer:

The Nazi's not only slaughtered millions of innocents and through that action destroyed lives of people still living today, they hoped to try and turn the world against those they slaughtered through misinformation and lies. In a time when this same kind of deceit is being used to insight panic against a simple Community Center being planned "near" Ground Zero I think this film is something we all need to see.

You Know What's Great About All The New X-Men First Class News----NOTHING!!

2010-08-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

Recently Bryan Singer called ~~name dropping douche bag sellout bitch~~ film guy Harry Knowles to chat all about the super neato groovy bullshit that's going to make X-Men: The First Class good even though it doesn't have shit to do with the actual first class of the X-Men. First we learned that Kevin Bacon will play Sebastian Show the leader of the Hellfire Club. We also learned this is a Silver Age movie and that the costumes will be more comic bookish. Yep those little tidbits mean that even though Jean Grey, Cyclops, and Iceman won't be in the movie it'll be an asshole puckered good time.

Let me add a wrinkle.

Having listened to this whole run down of nifty idea I have to say ~~FUCK YOU~~ that I'm a little confused as to why this means anything. First off who cares who Kevin Bacon plays, secondly Sebastian Shaw and The Hellfire Club first appeared in 1980. Exactly how the FUCK does that have anything to do with the Silver Age at all? With a non Silver Age villain and X-Men who weren't confined just to Silver Age how exactly is this a silver age movie again?

Oh right, I forgot, the costumes will be nifty and more comic bookish. Well sew my cock and sprinkle my ass with butter I'm sold. A total lack of understanding of the characters, involvement in a Silver Age movie by mostly non-Silver Age heroes and being directed by the hack bitch who gave us Kick Ass---that can all be undone by cool ass costumes. Case closed, this one is gonna ROCK!!!

As for Bryan Singer being involved I understand completely that I am in the minority here. I felt the first X-Men was boring as shit and the second one was okay at best. I realize I'm one of the few people on planet Earth that doesn't grab the KY and start jerking when those movies are mentioned but I'm not so having Bryan Singer involved doesn't mean anything. Plus he's not directing, he's producing, which doesn't mean much.

If they wanted to have a Silver Age X-Men movie then why not have it with the Silver Age X-Men and their villains and so on. Why go this ridiculous route of cramming this full of shit to market and then try to sell it as a Silver Age movie. Much like the Spider-Man reboot, Thor, Captain America and the upcoming Avengers, this is a movie be design, something built by bean counters, a marketing team and the Research And Development people. It's another in a long line of superhero movies done by committee.

TOP 5 NEWS ITEMS I DON'T CARE ABOUT 8/20/2010

2010-08-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

I've been away for awhile mainly due to me new job, which is cool but doesn't allow me much time to write or do anything fun. Damn that being a grown up bullshit. Anyhoo over the past week so much has gone down and a good deal of it I don't give a flying fuck about at all. Being that I like to tell people about things I don't care about here are the Top 5 News Items I Don't Care About.

5. Matthew Lillard Might Be In Scream 4

Not only do I not care about Matthew Lillard but I don't give a shit about this movie. Scream was the beginning of the end for good horror movies and the two sequels sucked so bad it was hard to believe they weren't making it up as they went along. One of my least favorite parts of Scream was Lillard and one of my most favorite things was watching his fucking career implode. I hated his date rapist smile, his laugh, anything about him made me sick.

Scream 4 has been beset by so many problems I'm sure Bob and Harvey Weinstein are trying to drum up whatever rumors and bullshit they can to keep interest alive. Think about it, Neve Campbell (who I still want to fuck for some reason) hasn't done shit for years and even SHE doesn't want to come back for the 4th movie. I hope Matthew Lillard isn't in Scream 4 because the whole fucking thing gets shut down.

4. JUMPER Might Get A Sequel

Oh well thank God because if ever a movie deserved a sequel it was this worthless sci-fi shitpile. The movie jumped out of theaters faster than the hero in the movie (played by Hayden Christiensen--the guy who ruined Darth Vader) and the one silver lining was that there would be no sequel. NOPE, the slime cunts over at Fox are clamoring for a franchise since Percy Jackson and The A-Team tanked hard over the summer. I guess a franchise is so important that sequels to miserable failures are being considered. Good time for people to start talking about Jaws 5.

3. Early Buzz Says David Fincher's "The Social Network" Is Really Good

Okay first of all David Fincher hasn't done anything that hasn't sucked ass since Fight Club (Zodiac was boring and Benjamin Buttons was furiously awful) so hearing his movie about the rise of Facebook starring The Other Michael Cera does nothing to motivate me to see this movie. A movie about Facebook? Fuck yourself.

2. Twilight Eclipse Director To Direct Wolverine Sequel

Well of course. I mean heebee geebee and pork my sister who else to helm a violent action movie based on the classic Frank Miller series than a guy who fucked around with sexy vampires and buff werewolves. Why not have the director of The Switch helm the next Batman movie. Who cares? Hollycunt sure doesn't.

1. DC Animated Release Their Shorts On Disc

Let me see if I have this right, just so I'm clear. DC Animated has taken three of the shorts already available on their earlier animated releases, combined it with one twelve minute short titled The Return Of Black Adam featuring Shazam and Superman and will sell it for $30 (more for bluray). Um....okay, does anybody see that as an incredible amount of bullshit? Who is going to pay $30 for four shorts and what about those who bought the movies? They get a 12 minute short f0 $30? Oh, oh wait I see, there's 2.5 hours of extras. That's like head that ends before you cum. Smooth move DC Animated, no wonder you fuckers are failing.

Apparently Mephisto Is Directing The Spider-Man Reboot

2010-08-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

I only say that because according to sources deep within the bloody, puss filled womb of Hollywood say that Peter Parker's love interest in the upcoming Spider-Man ~~waste of fucking time~~ movie reboots won't be Mary Jane. The only way this will work is if the filmmakers step up and make her Gwen Stacey even though I Gwen Stacey wasn't really in Peter's High School days. Perhaps it'll tie in with X-Men: First Class which also has nothing to do with that which it says it does.

The casting for the coveted "love interest" part has been a cavalcade of people nobody knows or gives a shit about. Teresa Palmer (The Sorcerers Apprentice), Emma Roberts (Scream 4), Imogen Poots (???) and a bunch of others have read with Andrew Garfield the boy ~~and incredibly WRONG casting choice~~ playing Peter Parker/Spider-Man in the reboot. I think it'd be cool if they ~~never did this~~ eliminated the whole love thing. Sure introduce the female characters but let Spider-Man just be an action film for once.

FINALLY!! A Tattoo I Want To Get

2010-08-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

This tattoo design done by artist Scott Derby that I stole from Topless Robot could be the coolest fucking thing I've seen in a long time, especially tattoo wise. If anybody wants to tattoo it on me for free and lives in the Ohio area let me know because I am DOWN!!

Putting The ASS Back in AVENGERS ASSEMBLE

2010-08-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

Okay look I'm not a big fan of the Disney XD animation style, this fake Japanime/American bullshit which makes everybody look like your viewing them through a prism and have lower jaws you could wrench somebody free from a car with. So when the Avengers cartoon was announced I figured it just wasn't something I would care about, much like the upcoming movie. Well that all changed today when I saw the trailer. Watch the whole thing, seriously, wait for the theme song.

ARE THEY FUCKING KIDDING?

What bunch of geezer yahoo suit wearing asshole Hollywood scumbags thought that this song would appeal to anybody? I can't even begin to think of a target audience this would target. Not even the kids who think Avenged Sevenfold is a good band would warm up to this shit. Well, at least it's good for a laugh.

Xavier's Community College For Gifted Youngster

2010-08-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently in the new ~~ass pumping shit storm of Hollywood afterbirth~~ X-Men movie X-MEN: ~~fuck you fans~~ THE FIRST CLASS the one big change is that there will be open enrollment, much like the community college I now attend. See in my understanding of the X-Men series (and really who the fuck am I besides a 30 year deep comic reader) Professor X originally only had certain people involved in order to keep the secret. Angel, Iceman, Jean Grey, Cyclops and Beast. The rest of the onslaught were brought in later when times got tough.

Well HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and BEND OVER fans because the movie has every fucker you'd want dancing around in what was supposed to be the "beginning" of the X-Men. Here's the newest honor roll:

• January Jones as Emma Frost
• Zoe Kravitz as Angel (Don't know about that, wasn't Angel a guy?)
• Jason Flemyng as Azazel
• Michael Fassbender as Magneto
• James McAvoy as Professor X
• Nicholas Hoult as Beast
• Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique
• Caleb Landry Jones as Banshee
• Lucas Till as Havoc
• Edi Gathegi as Darwin (Uh, who?)
• Rose Byrne as Moira MacTaggert
• Kevin Bacon as most likely Mr. Sinister
• Oliver Platt as the "Man in Black"

I am hoping that perhaps they might just consider casting Cyclops, Jean Grey and Iceman sometime SOON since they were actually there for the beginning. Does anybody care about any of this shit or am I spinning my wheels for no goddamn reason?

I hate everything

2 + 5 = FUCKING AWESOME MONSTER TRAILER

2010-08-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

Or at least that's what I think. Here's the skinny on the new alien invasion movie Monsters. Essentially this is really cool looking film made with seven people. Yep, that's right Hollywood fuckers, seven people. Two stars and five crew members were the people on hand to make this film. Everybody else I'm assuming dedicated their time or worked for free. Here's the synopsis:

Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life forms began to appear and grow. In an effort to stem the destruction that resulted, half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain the massive creatures... Our story begins when a jaded US journalist (McNairy) begrudgingly agrees to find his boss' daughter, a shaken American tourist (Able) and escort her through the infected zone to the safety of the US border.

and here's the trailer:

I don't know about you but to me this looks like some really good shit. I hope all the Hollywood cunts out there who hire official ass scratchers and ball washers for every film at 100,000 a pop are seeing what can be done with very little except maybe an original story and some fucking talent.

HOLY BATSHIT--DC Does Something Else Stupid

2010-08-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah you're not going blind, nor has anybody put acid in your toothpaste, this has been making the rounds as the cover for Brightest Day #13, which would make perfect sense. Why would it make perfect sense, well let me tell you. The first part is that DC has fucked up not only the death of Bruce Wayne but also his Return. Mostly they've done this by handing it to hack "writer" and Alan Moore wanna-be Grant Morrison.

On top of all that Brightest Day so far has been so fucking ho-hum that I use it as opposed to jerking off in order to feel relaxed before a nice hot shower. So since DC has basically not just screwed the pooch but got her pregnant, beat her and made her pay for the abortion, why not fuck it with returning Bruce Wayne as the White Lantern. The Dark Knight as the White Lantern, holy raping get down fuckabout DC are some deep bitches.

I hate everything

EXPENDABLES -- MY REVIEW

2010-08-14T20:46:00.001-07:00

I grew up in the greatest era for action movies ever, the 80s. I got Rambo, Commando, Die Hard, Predator, Delta Force, Above The Law, all the best action films came out for me between the ages of 14 and 19. Reaching back into that time comes The Expendables a high octane, rollicking and violent , mantastic super action film from Rambo himself Sylvester Stallone.

The story centers around a group of mercenaries who decide to defend a small country against an evil Dictator and a drug lord. Sure it's flimsy but who cares, The Expendables is a really good time.

The thing I like is that all the cliches are pushed right in your face in a very unapologetic way. Stallone and his co-writer must have watched every action movie they could find and listed every touchstone to each movie. Then they checked off these cliches as they wrote them into The Expendables. Even the characters are really action movie cliches come to life. In all of these movies you need the following:

The leader who has seen too much blood and lost too much so he tries to keep everyone at arms length: Stallone

The 2nd in command who is the same as the leader when it comes to guts but he's trying to be more of a normal guy and is more modern in what he does: Jason Statham

The high energy comic relief: Jet Li

The weapons obsessed guy: Terry Crews

The weirdo kind of crazy guy: Randy Couture

The ex-member, the guy who knows The Leader best and has seen so much blood shed he had to leave the life: Mickey Rourke

The turncoat: Dolph Lundgren

So that's the mercenary group. Add Eric Roberts as the FBI guy gone rogue and turned drug lord, Steve Austin as his cold blooded back up and Giselle Ltie as the incredibly hot woman looking to fight the oppressive system she's stuck in and her guts and honor in turn melts The Leader's cold heart. With those cliches set in stone Stallone then moves on to the plot cliches.

Jason Statham has a woman who leaves him for another man because even though she loves him he's "never there". Of course the guy she goes to is a wife abusing asshole so Statham beats the shit out of him. There's the "soul searching" scene where Stallone needs to know what to do so Mickey Rourke tells him a sad war story to show him the way. The cliches keep going on and on.

Nobody checks into a movie like The Expendables expecting anything but bloodshed and Stallone realizes that. The movie basically says "Yeah we know all your favorite action stuff and here it is". The action is so over the top and the fights so cool I was actually laughing at how fun it all was.

Of course the dialog is corny and filled with tough guys making little quips at each other as well as "we're brothers forever" parts and the whole tough guy alpha male bonding thing. Sure it makes no sense that the girl from this war torn little country strife with poverty has perfect teeth and gorgeous skin. Yes the movie asks us to buy five guys against an army. That's what these movies do.

The plot is mainly a way to push us into the next action parts so it doesn't even come close to making anything that could charitably be called sense. The way I figure it this is Eat Pray Love but for guys. Everything guys want in an action movie with very little filler.

To let you know the big scene with Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger together lasts about 7 minutes and shouldn't be a selling point for the film. Schwarzenegger looks bad, especially next to Willis and Stallone who've stayed in shape for the movies while he got fat on the Republicans money. The scene is cute but didn't need to be in the movie.

Do you care about any of these people? No. Do any of the characters develop beyond a two dimensional point? No. Who cares though, none of the characters did in the eighties films either. People who say The Expendables is stupid or start bitching about the script clearly just don't get it. This is nothing but popcorn flick escapism and it's nice to see it done with such unabashed honesty. Stallone knows exactly what this film is and he seems wicked proud of it. For me, at least for two hours, I was 16 again without a care in the world except what would blow up next.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD -- MY REVIEW

2010-08-14T05:40:00.000-07:00

For the few of those who read this blog and those who know me it's no secret that I am not a Scott Pilgrim fan. I disliked the comic, I hated the hype and the media blitz for the new movie sickened me. That being said I decided when asked to go see the movie to approach it with an open mind.

I figured it would be good practice for dealing with something I can't stand in as unbiased a way as possible. I must say the opening of the film, where the Universal logo and music are done in eighties video game style, is incredibly endearing. I felt good going in.

To my shock I didn't hate Scott Pilgrim Vs The World, though I wouldn't be able to recommend it one hundred percent. It's an interesting thing in the movie because that which makes it so good ultimately defeats it. For those unaware this is the story of Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera), a young man who meets the girl of his dreams Ramona Flowers(Mary Elizabeth Winstead), falls in love with her and then must fight her seven evil exes to have her.

The movie is shot in a hyper-realistic style that is very clever. Everything that goes on has visual cue attached to it e.g. when the phone rings or the doorbell rings there's text on screen representing the sound. It's a thick combination of video game meets comic book.

When it works the stuff is brilliant. The fight scenes are amazing both in visual style and choreography. I found myself completely engrossed in the battle and wanting them to continue for longer. When a person is "killed" in a fight they turn into coins, people get kicked through walls, thrown into buildings, there's psychic powers, a bass off, and all ratcheted up with video game style graphics bending heavy towards Legends Of Zelda.

The problem with the film is that it's too clever, it never calms down enough to just tell the story of two kids in love. The heightened visuals and quick cut editing don't end with the fights, they go through the entire film. Close your eyes and imagine every single thing that lights up, beeps, rings in a video game combined with the graphics that always pop up and lay it into a feature film. It's distracting as hell.

It would seem that if the story of the film had been shot as a normal story that the fights and other elements would have been that much more powerful. The constant visual and audio quirks also overpower the actors so you're left with living set pieces moved around instead of characters you get to know or care about.

The overload of visuals and sound hurls so much at the audience myself and several others felt a movie that clocks in around 1:45 was twenty minutes too long. It also doesn't help that for some reason the final fight is incredibly anti-climactic.

Director Edgar Wright does a lot to save the movie because he's just a great director. He knows how to get the most out of actors and their scenes together. Even with visuals, sound and editing chewing up the scenes Wright manages to get some amazing moments between Pilgrim, Flowers, Pilgrim's jilted girlfriend Knives Chau and Wallace Wells Pilgrim's gay roommate (brilliantly played by Kieran Culkin).

Casting wise Michael Cera was the wrong choice to play Scott Pilgrim. I always thought of Pilgrim as a geek with enthusiasm, a kid with issues but a go-go Gadget sense of himself. Cera (once again) plays his part as the stammering, unsure, goofy loser. Perhaps that is one way to go but Cera over does so much that when the fights begin you don't believe at all he'd even try this much less be good at it.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is fucking gorgeous, heart stopping beautiful in this film. However she plays Flowers as such a cold bitch I spent more time wondering why Pilgrim would fight for her than rooting him on in his quest. I had the same problem with the books as well but even there Flowers seemed a little kinder than Winstead plays her.

Not to drown in the negative lets get back to Kieran Culkin who steals every single scene he's in, sometimes with just a look or a word. He is the best thing about the film, hands down. Funny, charming and even manages to flesh out his character, something the others can't do against all the quirks. The other surprise breakout here is Ellen Wong as Knives Chau. She absolutely breaks your heart as the jilted ex and floods you with memories of being that young and awkward in dealing with love.

Overall Scott Pilgrim Vs The World isn't bad but it's never ending need to remind us how clever it is holds it back from being great as does the casting of the two leads who fail to make their characters people we care about and in some instances even like. I will concede that I had to let go my problems with the "witty banter" that replaces actual dialog in the film because this isn't one hundred percent a film for me.

I remember seeing The Breakfast Club with my friend and his dad and the dad asking why the cursed so much and us rolling our eyes. I also remember seeing Singles and having a woman behind me ask her daughter "What does 'not in an Eddie Hascal kind of way' mean? Why can't I understand what they're talking about." I thought the movie made perfect sense but the film was made for me and my generation.

Scott Pilgrim is a film for the generation right behind me and it seems that's how they like their dialog. In the end while I can't recommend Scott Pilgrim Vs The World as worth a full priced movie ticket I can say it's a good DVD or matinee movie choice.

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: THIS FUCKING KID

2010-08-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

I've never been one to champion crib death nor have I been big on beating children to a bloody, broken, mess but this kid might just change all that. I don't know what laboratory decided to splice the genes for precocious with douche but man did they make a fucking hybrid child-thing that sucks all kinds of fucking ass. I hate this kid, I hate him worse than Armond White and that's saying something. Watch this video of him reviewing movies and tell me I'm wrong.

That three minute segment took me half an hour to get through because I kept having to stop long enough to throw rocks at little kids riding by on bicycles. Where did they dig up this fucking cunt. Seriously? Inception we should wait for until DVD because it's "confusing" but let's all run out to see Ramona And Beezus or Beeble or whatever the fuck it is and Salt because it's fantastic.

Fuck this kid, fuck him and please somebody chop his goddamn hands off so he stops talking with them. When I was that age I liked shitty movies but mainly the ones on Cinemax late at night that I was jerking off to. Perhaps I'm wrong, maybe he's not real, maybe this kid is a lost robot from the Jim Henson camp, yeah that could be it.

They built a cutey pie kid with kooky teeth but he got struck by lightening and came to life. However instead of being annoyingly cute like Johnny 5 this kidbot decided to go down a douchier road. Doesn't this kid have parents or did they abandon him like anybody else would once he learned to talk. Good luck getting laid kid. Even a crack whore on a two day withdrawal bend and no feet would rather wallow in her life than come near you.

Seriously kid, suck my ass it smells.

DAYDREAM NATION Trailer aka KAT DENNINGS IS HOT

2010-08-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

I don't know much about Daydream Nation other than it's named after a Sonic Youth album I really like. Based on the trailer I'd say it'll either be completely fascinating or some indie jerk-off waste of time. It's getting harder and harder to tell these days what indie films won't suck. I'll mainly go see it because I love me some Kat Dennings. Some don't see it but for me she is flaming eye scorching blazingly attractive. Here's the trailer.

SECRET ORIGINS: THE STORY OF DC COMICS TRAILER

2010-08-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know how much you'll actually learn about DC and some of the shady shit they've done in the past in this documentary but it still looks cool. It's not out until November 9th but DC has released a trailer. Dig it.

SUPERMAN/BATMAN APOCALYPSE TRAILER

2010-08-13T13:33:00.000-07:00

I'm about as done as I can be with the whole DC Animated let's-rehash-shit ideal. There are so many cool ideas and titles that get cut or canceled so what? So that they can keep giving us Superman/Batman titles? I don't like this story mainly because it's Jeph Loeb and he has done far more damage than his run on The Long Halloween or Superman For All Seasons can forgive. Don't believe me? Check both his craptastic run on Wolverine and how he ruined The Hulk for proof.

In this movie Apocalypse decides to get back at Superman through the newly discovered Supergirl. From the look of the Supergirl costume when she's under the Apocalypse spell it seems his great and evil plan is Space Pimping. I have no interest in seeing this even with my great crush Summer Glau performing the voice. DC released a trailer, here it is.

Superman/Batman Apocalypse hits on September 28th.

Like OMG CTHULHU Is Like Totally Fucking Hot Bitches

2010-08-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know who the guys who put this together are but it's pretty funny and anything having to do with Cthulhu is awesome to me. The best part is hearing the story recited by the kind of person I'd want the Old Ones to awaken and stop the fuck out of existence. Dig it.

Anyone Else Been On The When Harry Met Sally Ride?

2010-08-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know where this sling shot ride is but if you recognize it don't take your lady there unless you're supercock 13" and aren't afraid of a giant machine making your girl realize what she's been missing. Then again this chick could be such a slut it takes a whole machine to make her come or she's faking. Either way it's hysterical.

I love that her boyfriend said "Are you serious" and that this chick confesses the sling shot orgasm beats his all to hell. The line for this thing must be around the block.

FINALLY!!! A True Ohio Standard Gets A Movie

2010-08-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

When I moved down to Ohio I was told that several things would happen. First I'd get a really close up idea of what Road Kill Performance Art really looked like. Second I'd learn that when driving a turn signal is a sign of weakness. Third I was told I'd fall in love with Skyline chili. I didn't fall in love with Skyline Chili because it tastes like meat gravel but I quickly learned not to share that opinion with anybody.

Now it seems that Hollywood has caught up to the chili craze in the midwest and are making a movie all about this beloved Ohio staple. I'm not sure exactly how a whole movie on chili is gonna work out unless they throw in some Texas Chainsaw Massacre/Soylent Green ideology in there. Let's view the trailer:

Wait just a GODDAMN minute, that's not about chili, that's about aliens. Well fuck it all to hell doesn't that suck for Ohio!! Unless, well, maybe it's about aliens who bought Skyline Chili and got so fucking ripping pissed they decided to attack. Those might be giant blue shit bombs released on the world.

Could this be the bump Ohio needs?

Hey Kids Here's ANOTHER Reason To Hate The Green Lantern Movie

2010-08-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes being right sucks ass, sometimes it just isn't enough to know you called something from the word go but I am and I did. From the second Ryan Reynolds was cast as Green Lantern I said this movie was going to be fucking horrible. The next move, showing us the Disco Inferno Green Lantern costume, proved even further I was right and now, now they've really done it. Check out the first image of Killawog from the new movie.

Um, what the fuck is that? I've been reading Green Lantern pushing up on twenty years now and this deformed mutant thing that looks like some kind of abortion had by Falcor from The Neverending Story doesn't look anything like Kilawog. Awesome now they've gone and fucked up one of the key characters to Green Lantern. Kilawog is hardcore tough guy drill sergeant not some wide eyed cutesy character. Thanks Hollywood, thanks for the fresh ass filled with worm infested Sata jizz. God I fucking hate you people.

Leave my stuff alone, go fuck with somebody elses stuff. Do more 3D dance movies, relationship films, let Drew Barrymore say "magical" and whine and bitch in some romance film, but leave my stuff the fuck alone. You don't get it, you don't understand it, you just fucking make it worse.

I hate everything

DON'T LOOK, SERIOUSLY, I'VE OFFENDED EVEN MYSELF NOW!!

2010-08-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

Careful Elliot that might not be his finger.

Okay punks, you looked, you looked and now you have to share in the evil with me. I don't want to burn alone for this so I must let you know I got it from TOPLESS ROBOT so don't blame ME!! I don't know what to say about it at all, nothing, for the first time I'm fucking speechless.

Time to burn the retinas out.

This Is An AVENGERS Movie I'd Love To See

2010-08-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know who did this or how but this fan made 1952 serial trailer for an Avengers movie could be the coolest fucking thing EVER!! I wish this was real more than anybody could possibly know. DIG IT!!

FUCK IS THAT COOL!! Sorry I've been away, it's been slow and I started a new job but I'll be back up ASAP.

AND NOW FOR NO REASON: NERD RAP RANT

2010-08-05T11:03:00.000-07:00

The only thing about this I hate is that I didn't think of it first! FUCKERS!!

TV & Movie Spoofs
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SOOO GOOOOD!!

Top Ten Things I Love About THE AVENGERS Trailer

2010-08-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

Here's An AVENGERS movie I'd see.

So after holding onto it like virginity on prom night the Hollywood slime factory finally released the completely banal Avengers trailer. Nothing happens in this trailer, nothing at all. I don't mean kinda nothing or there's not a lot of action I mean fucking NOTHING. Releasing this is like promising a kid a dog for Christmas and then letting the kid find out he's not getting one because the parents forgot to take the dog toys and bowls out from under the tree. Yeah my parents did that to me and it sucks ass. In the spirit of fairness I really analyzed this trailer and found ten things I love about it. Here's the trailer.

10. Avengers is spelled correctly.

09. Robert Downey JR's smug cunt face isn't in it.

08. That "A"...wow that "A" is pretty nifty

07. It's black and black goes with everything

06. Sam Jackson does Sam Jackson, I was afraid if he stretched his acting beyond redoing Jules from Pulp Fiction again and again the Earth would crack in half.

05. The Avengers name spins around, very cool.

04. The wrongly cast guy from Captain America ain't in it.

03. The guy who looks too bored to be Thor ain't in it.

02. There was no cum shot

01. There's no release date on it so maybe these fuckers will give on this godforsaken abortion now.

Could This Be A Reason DC Animated Is Failing?

2010-08-05T10:42:00.000-07:00

I figured this is better then an ad for the movie AND she plays Supergirl

On the DVD for Batman Under The Red Hood there was a ten or so minute mini-documentary on the upcoming Superman/Batman Apocalypse movie. Now I'm as big a fan of the "A" man as anybody and I'm also amped whenever Kevin Conroy works as Batman's voice but seriously, another fucking Jeph Loeb story? Seriously, I mean Christ even producer Bruce Timm looks ambivalent to this and longtime animated guru of awesome Andrea Romano is trying to sell it way too hard. Here's little documentary thing.

Other than the fact that I could watch Summer Glau do anything that whole bit of business is incredibly uninspired. First off the director looks like an extra from Beetlejuice with a Meth addiction and all she can say besides how great it is is how the artist draws the women really long? Hoo fuckin YAH does that inspire me to run out and buy this.

This could all stem from the fact that I hate Jeph Loeb because he fucked up Wolverine AND Hulk or it could be because this kind of rehash shit is what's keeping DC Animated down. They went from Batgirl Year One and Teen Titans The Judas Contract to this? Unless this comes with a Summer Glau naked pleasing herself easter egg you can pretty much count me out of this.

GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!!!

2010-08-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

GODDAMN IT!!! I keep denying myself a blu-ray player by coming up with all kinds of reasons, mainly trying to hold out until Jaws is released on the mighty Blu-ray. I'm usually good at living with my decision until shit like this comes along. FIRST it was the fucking brilliant Aliens boxset and now it's the 25th Anniversary Goonies Set. I'm a huge Goonies fan, fucking enormous and this speaks right to the inner geek in me that has no idea what bills are or a budget is or who those folks calling ask to speak to Mr. Robinson about payments. Check this thing out

Not only does it have the ass kicking movie in blu-ray goodness it also comes with a ful board game, a souvenir magazine from 1985, A new Empire magazine with set photos and an update on the cast, storyboards, Commentary by director Richard Donner and all seven main cast members and who knows what else. I was bummed there was no Sloth figure, Chunk red jacket or Pinchers Of Peril but you can't have everything. View the majesty!!

Bigger On The Inside....But Doesn't Do Much

2010-08-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

Okay so apparently Underground Toys has finally released the inside of Doctor Who's Tardis playset and while it looks cool it doesn't do shit. No sounds, no lights, it just sit there which sucks. Granted it looks cool but for $70 it should move and light up and all kinds of stuff. Sadly it doesn't but if anybody wants to buy me one I'll take it. Here's what it looks like

You can buy one at ENTERTAINMENT EARTH

AND NOW FOR NO REASON: THE OREGON TRAIL MOVIE TRAILER

2010-08-02T18:49:00.000-07:00

Okay before the nerd revolution starts this isn't a real trailer for a movie based on a game (unlike the upcoming Monopoly and Battleship movies) but rather a fan trailer that's pretty goddamn funny. If you're familiar with the long running game then you'll be amped, if not then it won't be funny at all. Anyway, dig the trailer:

YOGI BEAR Trailer is....Um.....ah fuck it

2010-07-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

The only reason I'm showing this fuckwad bullshit abortion of a trailer is so that anybody who even remotely thought Bill Murray should trust Dan Akroyd on the Ghostbusters 3 movie can see now why he shouldn't. I never thought they could translate getting your nuts caught in a bear trap to video but this proves they can do it. Watch only if you have a sickness bag near you.

Look how proud Akroyd is of this piece of shit movie. Unless two interns are below the camera blowing him during the intro this jackoff is actually HAPPY!! Attention Dan Akroyd, you have now been forever removed from the artistic process. Go home, bang your wife, beat your kids, watch Blues Brothers, Neighbors and Ghostbusters and remember you used to have talent. Just don't make anymore fucking movies you cunt.

I HATE EVERYTHING

THE SHOGGOTHS Are Coming, The SHOGGOTHS Are Coming

2010-07-29T09:47:00.000-07:00

Remember way back when Guiellmero Del Toro was going to do an At The Mountains Of Madness film but he didn't because he was brought onto the ill fated Hobbit movie? If not don't worry it doesn't matter, MGM is so fucking bankrupt they couldn't make car commercials much less The Hobbit. With The Hobbit stuck in turnaround Hell Del Toro was free to make a good movie and has decided to return to the HP Lovecraft classic tale.

I know those who remember will be a little unnerved remembering all the reports of changes the studio wanted made. It was to be set in modern times, not the thirties, it was to have a love interest, etc. Well worry no more because James Cameron has stepped in to produce the movie and he is one of the few that can a studio so fuck off and they will. Cameron wants Del Toro to stay 100% on point with the original text and that is awesome. Granted with Cameron on the film it'll be in 3-D but at least it'll be the really good 3-D.

SMALLVILLE Season 10 Trailer. It Ain't The Thor Footage.....

2010-07-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Oh what you wanted TOM WELLING with his shirt open?

I didn't get to go to San Diego Comic Con which is totally ~~FUCKING BULLSHIT~~ fine with me because to be honest ~~I can't afford to go~~ I'm too much of a comic purist to want to be part of something so obviously tainted by Hollywood ~~unless somebody pays for me to go~~ and all of its money hungry bullshit.

That understood I did a wrap up of what I thought was important and one of those things was Smallville. Well, here's the trailer for season 10 and it has some cool surprises. It's hard to get a wicked hard on for Smallville no matter what since it's sucked to bad for two years but hey I might watch it now, especially if they do get Lex Luthor to return.

THOR FOOTAGE...GET IT BEFORE IT GOES!!

2010-07-29T09:28:00.000-07:00

Okay so not to waste time with writing a bunch of shit here's the Thor trailer that's been taken off line other places. No idea how long it'll be here.

TEEN GIRLS GET IT ON!!

2010-07-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

GOTCHA!!

This may not be the Bill Hicks idea of the perfect Tiffany and Debbie Gibson video but it's pretty damn funny. As you may or may not know the ~~Syphilis~~ SyFy Channel is pairing the two eighties teen queens together in a movie titled Megapython Vs Gatoroid where they play I guess scientists who hate each other but have to ~~cum~~ come together to fight the two big bads. Outside of the fight my favorite is that Gatoroids sounds like a disease you'd catch drinking too Gatorade.

"Coach my ass really hurts and there are these weird puss filled sores!"

"Sounds like a bad case of Gatoroids!

Anyway here's the video

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #1: AVENGERS ASSEMBLE...FOR PHOTO OP

2010-07-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

The biggest thing at Comic Con this year because ~~the bullshit thing has NOTHING to do with comics~~ it's the perfect time to talk about it was The Avengers movie. As you can see this was the first time all the folks in the film were in the same room and woo hoo what a fucking blast that must've been. So I could write about a bunch of shit but there's video so watch this instead.

Well if you made it through all that false fanfare and ass kissing you got to see Robert Downey cuntbag take another swipe at Chris Nolan (he did it before when Iron Man opened against the Dark Knight). You also got to see just how disingenuous these people are and how little any of this has to do with comic books.

WOO HOO FUCKING HOLLYWOOD

I HATE EVERYTHING

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #2: THERE'S A THOR MOVIE?

2010-07-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

Well shiver my ass and call me for cow tippin' I had no idea there was a movie about Thor, mainly because I haven't heard one fucking word about it at all!! See there, that's sarcasm!! Anyhoo there was a big time panel for this movie, which I think has a maybe 45% chance of being any good and we learned all kinds of nifty shit. First up we learned via this photo that the Infinity Gauntlet will be in the movie

The Infinity Gauntlet was a bejeweled glove that Thanos used for utter destruction. Now does this mean that Thanos will be in the movie? Um, probably not so I'm guessing the screen writers either re-wrote the idea or Thor goes up against Asgard's version of Liberace. Next was the panel itself where all the actors crooned about how cool the movie is. Here are some highlights.

Natalie Portman Won't be in Avengers but will be in other Thor movies.
My future Ex-wife Kat Dennings is in the film, reason enough to see it.
Hemsworth knew nothing about Thor (shocker there)

Then footage came, footage I didn't see because nobody wants me at SDCC. Here's the description of what was shown:

Clark Gregg’s Agent Coulson opens the film circling a man sitting in a chair in what looks like an interrogation room. “One way or another we find out what we want to know. We’re good at that. It’s not easy to do what you did. My men are the most highly trained in the world and you made them look like mall cops.”

We see shots of Hemsworth rumbling with the SHIELD agents. This is all Earth stuff with Thor fighting without a suit or hammer.

“Why don’t you tell me where you received that training. Afghanistan? You strike me more as a soldier of fortune type. Who are you?”

And that’s when we see Hemsworth’s face for the first time, giving Coulson a big fuck you stare.

From here on the footage moves to Asgard. Sweeping shots of golden streets as Anthony Hopkins’ Odin speaks over the footage.

“I have sacrificed much to achieve peace. You have opened these innocent realms to the horror and devastation of war. You are a vain and cruel boy.”

Hopkins really shouts down Hemsworth, who dishes it back at the old man. “And you are an old fool!” Hopkins responds with quiet sadness. “I was a fool… to think you were ready. In the name of my father and his father before… I cast you out!”

That last bit was played over the scene in the Great Hall, Thor on his knees in front of Odin, his winged helm is removed and then we see a flash and a deep rumble of thunder and Hemsworth is laying in a desert.

Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings are leaning over him as he wakes up. He looks around upon waking and says, “Oh, no… this is Earth, isn’t it?” Portman and Dennings trade a look.

Hemsworth changes shirts in a later scene and Dennings sneaks a peek and says to Portman: “You know for a crazy homeless person he’s pretty cut.”

Next shot had Hemsworth trying to explain where he came from to Portman. “Your ancestors called it magic, yet you call it science. I can prove they are one and the same. The answers you seek will be yours once I claim what’s mine.”

Mjolnir is in embedded in the ground, surrounded by tarps and caution tape. A muddy Hemsworth approaches as Hopkins voice over says “Whoever wields this hammer, be he worthy, shall possess the power of Thor.”

Hemsworth wraps his fingers around the handle and tries to pull with all his might, fails, screams to the heavens in frustration.

Then we leave Earth and return to Asgard as Odin lays dead (presumably) and Loki takes power as the successor to the throne. This, apparently, isn’t good news for the people of earth as they run around in a panic. More Odin voice over as Thor watches the devastation: “His fate is in his own hands now.”

Coulson and his SHIELD agents are in the desert as something crashes into the dust. The metal Destroyer stands and approaches the agents. “You are using unregistered weapons technology. Identify yourself.” One of the agents asks Coulson: “Is that one of Stark’s?” Coulson responds, “I don’t know. He never tells me anything.”

The Destroyer’s helmet opens and a bright beam of light boils there before shooting out and… well, destroying things.

There are lots of glimpses of the fully costumed Thor in battle, very quickly cut in the sizzle reel, but really badass swinging the hammer, deflecting blows with it against a stormy background.

You'll notice I haven't said one word about the Captain America panel and that's because I think that movie is going to be absolute shit. However Thor might.....MIGHT....be okay. They didn't show Kat Dennings in the photos so here she is:

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #3: LET THE AMERICANS IN..NO WAIT

2010-07-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

Apparently at Comic Con there was a new trailer and poster for the American version of Let The Right On In, now called Let Me In. The above poster is pretty nice and I have to say the trailer is very cool, if it weren't for the fact that it's for this movie. See the original Let The Right One In is a quiet movie about co-dependency and love with this supernatural thing moving in the background. This film looks like a big Vampire death movie with lots of action and characters that don't need to be there. Check out the trailer:

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

See, it's not bad but if you've seen the original you can feel how Americanized this is and that kinda sucks.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #4: GREEN LANTERN POSTERS

2010-07-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that I don't think highly of the new Green Lantern movie but I would be remiss if I didn't present you these posters from SDCC that give you a glimpse of the characters in the new film. Most sites didn't put the posters in order of the Green Lantern creedo but I'm a dork so I did. Here they are.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #5: FRANK'S BACK....AGAIN

2010-07-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

I guess Marvel has never heard the term three strikes and you're out. I say this because the House Of ~~Horseshit~~ Ideas has not only brought The Punisher back into the Marvel movie fold but there's talk of doing a new Punisher film. Correct me if I'm wrong but these idiots have three bites at the apple and fucked up all of them. The first was of course the classically bad Dolph Lundgren Punisher with Louis Gosset JR where Frank Castle lived in the sewer for some reason. Following that there was an attempt at a serious Punisher movie with Thomas Jane and that one wasn't bad.

However according to Jane himself the movie that was put out was not the film he had signed on for and the sequel seemed even worse so he bowed out leaving the part open for this Ray Stevenson guy who sucked nearly as bad as Dolph and while the movie was goofy fun it still didn't get anybody into the theaters. If I was Marvel I'd take this as a sign and just let the Punisher movie go. People either don't want to see it or it's a story nobody has figured out how to tell. Either way who fucking cares, a fourth movie is a dumb idea.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #6: FUCK THE RED HULK

2010-07-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

I can't think of a bigger Marvel misstep than the Red Hulk. Seriously, what a hunk of red shit we've had to content with for two FUCKING years. I should have known this would happen with Jeph "I Royally Fucked Wolverine" Loeb at the helm but I kept hope alive and ended up with a huge throbbing red veined Hulk cock in my ass for issue after issue. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse it did with War Of The Hulks, one of the most convoluted and horribly written series ever. Now comes the news that the Red Hulk will join the Avengers.

Well fucking shit pants golly golly gee ain't that good news. So far the new Avengers (that's new as in the new launch not new as in the New Avengers) has been hard pressed to find it's footing and somehow I don't see adding the big red garbage heap as a way to solve that problem. Oh and apparently the Red Hulk is really Thunderbolt Ross though I have no idea how that works since I stopped reading the thing in order to not blow up Loeb's house.

The only good news in all of this is that Jeph Loeb is finally stepping down as the writer of the Red Hulk. I don't know who is replacing him and to be honest I don't give two good goddamns about it. First off I know any kid with a crayon and a 3rd grade imagination can write a better story than Loeb has but I doubt that even if Alan Moore stepped in he could undo the damage heaped on us by this abomination.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #7: CHLOE IN ACTION/SUPERMAN IN SMALLVILE

2010-07-26T11:39:00.000-07:00

For the longest time Smallville has sucked a thousand cocks laced with cyanide. Ever since the big "Doomsday" is coming let down where the creature that killed Superman turned out to be a hot, troubled ambulance driver that turned into a the Toxic Avenger mixed with a porcupine it's been downhill. The only thing worth a damn on that show was the character of Chloe Sullivan played by the nerd-boy-perfect-girlfriend Allison Mack. Then it was announced Allison would be jumping from the Smallville ship because, well probably because she knew the show sucked donkey nuts at this point. When that came out all of us who loved Alison and Chloe were super bummed.

Fear not!! As it turns out Chloe will be making her comic book appearance in Action Comics #838 and that kicks ass. Hopefully she'll be a permanent part of the DC Universe but even a brief encounter with the character is better than nothing. Here's the cover of Action Comics #893.

With Chloe gone and Smallville circling the drain the producers have pulled out all the stops for the tenth and final season by actually putting Superman in the show about Superman. Apparently a trailer for season ten showed not just the costume but also Clark finally being referred to as Superman. This ~~definitely~~ probably won't save the show but it will drag my stupid ass back for season 10.

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #8: WALKING DEAD TRAILER

2010-07-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

Yeah you can suck my ass it smells if you utter one negative thing about this being a bootleg. As the title says I didn't get to go to SDCC so this was what I got. No matter how ghetto the quality the trailer still kicks huge tons of ass. I can't wait for this show to come out and as I long, long time fan of the comic I can honestly say it looks like Frank Darabont did a phenomenal job. Here's the trailer:

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #9: MACHETE RED BAND TRAILER

2010-07-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

I want to like Machete, I really do. Despite hating pretty much everything Robert "Stupid Hat" Rodriguez does I love Robert Trejo and holy Jesus shitballs does Michelle Rodriguez look insanely hot. At first I was pretty sold but this red band trail (which means NOT SAFE FOR WORK) has left me thinking it's another of Robert's overkill violence movies in order to show that he ~~can't for any fucking reason~~ has trouble with storytelling and ~~god he fucking sucks at directing to~~ solid direction. Here's the trailer:

See what I mean, it has less style than the original though the T&A was much appreciated. As for Rodriguez well while I was giggling at him calling IGN "loco" I did notice he got a much less stupid hat.

Go Robert Go!!

SDCC I WASN'T THERE WRAP UP #10: CHICKS MAN!!

2010-07-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

For both of you who read my blog you'll know that nothing gets my nerd boner raging like the fantasy of being molested heavily by a girl dressed in the Slave Leia costume. Now to me that seems perfectly normal, a healthy fantasy based off of a young boy's dream. The problem really starts when I try to get actual girls involved in it at all. If you're at a bar picking up a chick and you mention, drinks in the face instantly. A one night stand will turn into couch time with porn and lotion if you bring it up and even a sweet and nerdy girlfriend (like I have) will tell you to fuck off if you suggest it.

Then it dawned on me San Diego Comic Con, a place that seems to be teaming with nerdy chicks dressed like Princess Leia. This could be the place I finally get to introduce some girl in that costume to my very own Bo Shudda!! First up nerdy girls usually don't know they're hot and feel uncomfortable showing that much skin. If I show any interest I'm gonna get blown just to keep the compliments flowing!!

Let's also not forget that no girl will find it weird that you're taking about her in the Slave Leia costume at San Diego Comic Con. I mean shit it doesn't have anything to do with comics so why not let it be an ass harvest for me alone!! Not to mention if I don't get laid by a Slave Leia I can always find a recently dumped Wonder Woman, Cat Woman or (god please let her fill the costume out) Power Girl!!

WOO HOO to being a dirty old man.

Feel The Beat Of The Rhythm Of The TRON!!

2010-07-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

So for the last several months all kinds of shitheels have popped up saying that they were official Daft Punk tunes from the new TRON LEGACY movie. Well worry no more because here are six confirmed tracks for you to listen to and they're pretty awesome:

Daft Punk for Tron Legacy Soundtrack by Hypetrak

New TRON LEGACY Trailer. Semen Shoots From Penis!!

2010-07-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

So one of the things going on at the San Diego ~~Comic~~ Con besides lots of cunting Hollywood scumbags wearing superhero t-shirts bought for them two days ago by their tortured assistants and pretending their "down", is TRON LEGACY. There was all kinds of nuttiness that went down with it but the best is the new trailer. Not just because it kicks HUGE ASS but also because it has more the anatomically crippling Olivia Wilde in it. Dig it

AND NOW FOR NO REASON: MC ESCHER PANORAMA AND WINNIE THE HULK

2010-07-21T15:40:00.000-07:00

Yep I love the times when And Now For No Reason needs no introduction. First up here's a very cool MC Escher panorama

Tribute to Escher in Barcelona

AND from there we go to a Winnie The Hulk comic, which kinda rules!!

Luke, Leia, Han, guys we're totally getting the band back together

2010-07-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

I've seen some cool Star Wars shit in my day and I've seen some Star Wars stuff that makes me want to beat the creator over the head with a pipe. This time we land on the more positive side with just about the coolest guitar EVER. This is the Millennium Falcon guitar made by a guy named Travis S. This isn't some display piece this is a fully functioning guitar and it's amazing. Dig it!

There's an interview HERE with the Travis S about how he made it and it's definitely a good read. Not only is this a cool guitar but it works really well with lines from the movie.

"It matches the markings of an instrument that rocked it's way out of Mos Eisley"

"It may not look like much but it's got it where it counts"

"10,000? We could buy our own guitar for that!" "Yeah kid but who's gonna play it? You?"

"You rock with that thing? You're braver than I thought"

The possibilities just go on and on!!

NEW AIRBENDER: Don't Let M. Night Shamalamadingdong see this!!

2010-07-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

While I usually cringe when people continue stories that wrapped up perfectly this actually sounds cool. Apparently Michael DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko the original creators of Avatar: The Last Airbender are doing a sequel to the series and I have to say if the synopsis holds true to the show it could be cool. The show is called Avatar: The Legend Of Korra and it's slated to air next year. Here's the synopsis:

The Legend of Korra takes place 70 years after the events of Avatar: The Last Airbender and follows the adventures of the Avatar after Aang - a passionate, rebellious, and fearless teenaged girl from the Southern Water Tribe named Korra. With three of the four elements under her belt (Earth, Water, and Fire), Korra seeks to master the final element, Air. Her quest leads her to the epicenter of the modern "Avatar" world, Republic City - a metropolis that is fueled by steampunk technology. It is a virtual melting pot where benders and non-benders from all nations live and thrive. However, Korra discovers that Republic City is plagued by crime as well as a growing anti-bending revolution that threatens to rip it apart. Under the tutelage of Aang's son, Tenzin, Korra begins her airbending training while dealing with the dangers at large.

See now that sounds awesome to me, a totally different story built off the mythology instead of trying to send the old gang out for one more try. I also like that the problems are crime and an anti-bending revolution (very X-Men) instead of something lame like ZuKko is bad again and the Fire Nation are rising up. Not only is this a cool story on it's own but it'll be neat to see what happened to the original gang.

Fingers crossed here

THOR IS IN THOR!!

2010-07-21T15:05:00.000-07:00

Okay let me not front, I took this whole thing from TOPLESS ROBOT but I did it because the guy who writes the site Rob Bricken said nobody would care and I wanted to show him that at least one other person cares!! It turns out that actor Eric Allen Kramer, who played Thor in the Hulk Vs Thor TV movie is going to be in the new Thor film. Just like Mr. Bricken I to think that kicks a whole lot of ass.

For those who don't know after the end of The Incredible Hulk series Bill Bixby and the gang rounded up and did some movies to further the adventures of the green skinned hero. The Hulk met Thor and Daredevil, went on trial and finally died (that one pissed me the FUCK off because the Hulk dying from a helicopter fall is bullshit). No, they probably weren't very good by today's standards but I loved them and they still hold a place in my heart.

I'm not sure what Eric Allen Kramer is playing in Thor but it's one reason that I might go see it. There's little chance of this being a coincidence so whoever decided to bring him into the film deserves a big hug from every dork in the world. Oh and also Mr. Bricken good call on the Vincent D'nofrio idea as well.

THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS--Truth Vs Fiction

2010-07-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

So every year the most untalented shmucks in music The Insane Clown Posse have some big blow out show called The Gathering where all their fans, called Juggalos, hang out and get high and praise not just ICP but all the shit acts within their family. This year is the 11th Annual Gathering and the worst part of it is that Redman and Method Man have somehow been tricked into performing. To celebrate and promote the Gathering a seventeen minute infomercial has been put together and it inspired me to do a little truth vs fiction concept.

In their fictional world the Gathering is some mecca for underground music, where the best go to perform to kids who are there to absorb all kinds of experiences. That simply isn't the case, not at all. The only real reason to go is to maybe talk some decent girl with low self esteem into fucking you in clown paint or at least she'll stay awake long enough to blow you before passing out crying about how her dad hits her.

Think I'm wrong, watch the infomercial and then watch this video put together of actual Juggalos at an actual Gathering. The infomercial is long so once you have the point skip to the next video.

INFOMERCIAL:

NOW HERE'S VIDEOS OF ACTUAL JUGGALOS.

See the longer I examine the Juggalos and the Gathering the less I hate it and the more I see it as some kind of bizarre study. If this was performance art it would be brilliant, the fact that it's serious is sad. Don't forget the ICP preform this song with NO SENSE OF IRONY.

WOODY ALLEN Has a New Movie. Is It Already The End Of The Month?

2010-07-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

The normal thirty days has passed since Woody Allen's last movie so let us jump right in with both feet to the trailer for You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger. In this film old men act weird, people get divorced, an uninspired writer gets inspired by a hot chick and his money obsessed wife finds a hot guy with money. Y'know I love old Woody Allen but recently all of his films have a similar if not repetitive vibe to them. Check out the trailer, see if you agree.

MARVEL COMICS Tries To Use Art To Save Their Movies....Idiots

2010-07-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows art and film no longer belong together....yeesh. So after the unexcited response to the Thor stills and the geek nervous breakdown over the polished Captain America costume art the folks at Marvel I guess started panicking. See both of these movies are setting up to be real boils on the ass of Marvel's well aerobicized ass. If Thor plays out as silly as it looks and Captain America comes across like a teen heartthrob then neither film will work and the Avengers movie will be fucked. To try and drum up the good times Marvel released these concept art posters for San Diego Comic Con.

While these sure are nifty looking what Marvel doesn't get is that the visuals aren't what we're looking for. We want good, solid, well done representations of these characters on screen. You can have Natalie Portman (starring in Thor) naked, bent over with one of these painted on her back saying "I want you from behind Iann" and I still won't give these movies my approval.

Okay well maybe I would then but...well...you get it.

IBRAHEEM YOUSSEF Makes Movie Posters I Want

2010-07-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ibraheem Youssef is an artist who has made a name for himself doing minimalistic movie posters for various films. These aren't actually used by the movie studio because those folks would burst blood from their nipples if the movie poster didn't plaster a star's face all over it. Perhaps they should though because the posters cut down to the very essence of the movie as well as leave plenty to the imagination. Better yet lets let this guy write scripts and maybe all the falderall trying to hide that Hollywood is a artistically bankrupt cesspool teaming with soul sucking monsters will ebb away. Anyhoo, here are three of his posters for Scarface, The Big Lebowski and Inception. If you want more check out his amazing site WELCOME TO THE OBSESSION

SUCK MY ASS IT SMELLS: ARMOND WHITE

2010-07-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

I usually reserve this section to tirade on the endless shittiness of celebrities but this time I'm calling out a critic, a pretentious, jerk weed of a human being who is so calculated, so obvious and transparent in his attempts that it angers me. See I like people who differ in opinion from me, especially those who can back it up with actual reasons. Much to people's chagrin I'm not a guy who doesn't listen, crams my ideas down people's throats or refuses to see the other side. What I can't stand are fuckers like Armond White who spouts his shit just appear "counter" to popular opinion, which to him means he's got a deeper understanding of film.

White writes (a term I use loosely) for New York Press and has been a film professor as well as the head of the New york Film Critics Circle. This isn't some idiot looking for page hits or press, he honestly tries to push his opinions off as some kind of new way to look at film. He panned Toy Story 3 for championing commercialism and yet though Transformers 2 had tremendous "visual style"

Yeah okay right there this guy can suck my ass because all you need to know Transformers 2 had no style are eyes, ears help to. The guys over at /FILM, who i respect a lot, had White on their podcast and I must say they're a nicer bunch than me. About halfway through his ridiculously self-aggrandizing comments I would've beaten him to death with a film school textbook. Here's one his choice comments about Roger Ebert.

"I do think it is fair to say that Roger Ebert destroyed film criticism. Because of the wide and far reach of television, he became an example of what a film critic does for too many people. And what he did simply was not criticism. It was simply blather. And it was a kind of purposefully dishonest enthusiasm for product, not real criticism at all…I think he does NOT have the training. I think he simply had the position. I think he does NOT have the training. I’VE got the training. And frankly, I don’t care how that sounds, but the fact is, I’ve got the training. I’m a pedigreed film critic"

Wow, sour grapes anybody? My God what a cunt. Forget that he's insulting a guy like Ebert who has not only written scripts and clearly loves movies but also has half his face missing, White just sounds like a spoiled child. "I'm better, and I deserve it and this guy is a poop head" is essentially what this rant pans out to. Plus can you dig on the self importance here? Dude you're a fucking film critic, bring it down a thousand.

Here's what spilled out of White's mouth when asked by /Film if there are other critics we should listen to.

"I’ll answer you this way: If there were a whole bunch of critics who I thought were doing a good job, then I would stop. *laughs* Because really, the reason why I do what I do is because I think there are things that need to be said about movies, about culture, about the world, that nobody’s saying. And that’s why I do what I do."

The mind reels at the sheer level of this guy's ego. Listen up cheeseball you don't offer anything to the world, none of us do. From the most "pedigreed film critic" to us dumb yokels on the internet, what we do doesn't mean dick. We dance, shit and piss on somebody's art, usually when we haven't done anything even approaching it. I think the idea of critiquing movies is awesome, it's fun and it might even help people avoid really shitty films but to make it out as though you or I or anybody else doing this is part of the greater good is laughably insane.

Listen up White, and this is from just a kooky idiot behind a computer, you're an art school cunt, a fool who isn't good enough, hates himself and tries to deflect that by pissing on things and then saying you have more of a right because you're better than everybody else. You're that sad college professor who never got published, never did anything and now spends his time moaning how he's the better man and the world should see that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a cunt towards film, music and all of that to. Christ I say outright that I'm a professional asshole. The difference is I don't take myself seriously, I understand my place in the greater universe and just how silly this all is. I pity you White, not just because you're obviously a sad little man but also because you honestly believe all of this. Plus you have shitty taste in movies.

Look at the picture, the guy even looks like a cunt.

The Best Thing About This ROBERT KIRKMAN WALKING DEAD Video

2010-07-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

Sure it's cool to see the zombies move around, sure it's cool to hear Robert Kirkman talk about the show and yes of course it kicks ass to see Frank Darabont directing the action. However, what's really cool is the intro by whatever MTV puppet they have in the beginning. Right behind him and to the left of the guy typing behind the mouth piece is the my old desk area when I worked there. Anyway here's the footage.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Right, cool huh? Okay maybe not as cool as the zombie stuff but still cool right? Ah fuck you.

CYRUS: MY REVIEW

2010-07-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

As Hollywood continues to churn out movies that seek to do little more than try and drum up a spending frenzy it's easy to become jaded. When you do what I do, which is to place a critical eye on a world that breaks its arm patting itself on the back, the cynicism can run deep.

That cynicism almost made me miss the Jonah Hill, John C. Reilly, Marisa Tomei film Cyrus because I have become so sick of Jonah Hill doing, well, essentially "Jonah Hill". I also didn't want to see another kooky indie comedy with all the right scenes and people and shots starring Jonah Hill being nutty. I'm happy to report that's not what I saw when I finally sat down to view Cyrus.

What I did see was a film that lacked pretense and felt natural and very real. Often small independent films rely on the style of how the movie is shot instead of content(for examples watch anything Sofia Coppola has done). Cyrus does a very simple thing by giving us real characters going through a real story. Even the way the movie is shot is incredibly basic point the camera and shoot.

In Cyrus John C. Reilly plays a John, a depressed mess of a man who still pines for the ex-wife (Jamie played by Catherine Keener) he lost to divorce seven years ago. He meets the lovely and approachable Molly played by Marisa Tomei and the two begin a relationship that becomes complicated by Tomei's 22 year old son Cyrus (Jonah Hill) a man-baby mommas boy with a selfish streak so pronounced it boarders on cruel.

The storyline is simple and realistic and allows the actors to shine every step of the way. For the first time in ages Jonah Hill steps away from his shtick (including the perm) and just acts. Cyrus is loathsome in what he does but you don't hate him, you actually feel for him.

The way the script is laid out it would've been easy for Hill to make the character seem either too disturbed or too funny. Instead Hill walks a thin line perfectly that allows us to see how desperate his actions are and how dysfunctional Cyrus is but without vilifying him or making him so hammy it kills all the drama in the movie.

John C. Reilly also steps out of his comfort zone by forgoing his normal "quirky" behavior for more of straight performance. He doesn't chew scenes up here like he normally does, instead he lets the character ease out of him and blend with the other actors. Watching his character John struggle between the deep need to feel loved, his love for Tomei's Molly and the deck stacked against him by Cyrus is some of the best acting Reilly done in years.

The really champion of the movie is Maris Tomei who first of all is so real and so true that you believe somebody as beautiful as her as a single mother. Unlike Reilly and Hill, Tomei has much more to do and she does it effortlessly. So much of the back story between her and Cyrus comes from how she interacts with him, these little moments that show how dedicated she is.

Tomei does such a good job that you never feel like Molly is some stupid mother blinded by devotion. She's a woman who put her son first and has forgotten what it is to want something just for her. With that part of her gone Molly ignores what Cyrus is in order to hold on to what she feels is all she has.

When Molly meets Reilly, a man just as needy for love, it reawakens that part of her. Tomei delivers on all counts here making us somebody you root for not just to get with John but to also get her shit together with Cyrus. . It's a performance that stands toe to toe with her two costars.

The glue holding all of it together is Catherine Keener (can you not make an indie film without out her these days). You completely buy her guilt-driven devotion to John which in turn makes their relationship work. If it hadn't then the film would have totally fallen apart. Look for an awesome turn from Matt Walsh as Keener's new husband.

Script wise Cyrus could be seen as slight because it feels as if the actors are just talking, having real conversations. The script feels so unscripted I'm sure there will be those who think it's not a good script. For me I loved that everybody didn't have the perfect thing to say, that there isn't this one scene where it all works out, that everybody has to come to grips with their issues and that nothing is sure in life. Cyrus is uplifting and realistic at the same time. I didn't find one false moment in the movie at all.

Sure there are a couple of minor plot devices that feel forced but outside of nitpicking bullshit I was thoroughly charmed by Cyrus. Am I gushing, maybe I am but after a summer of loud, buzzing hollow movies it was nice to see a quiet film that just wanted to tell a story. Especially without any of the hipster bullshit that usually goes along with "indie" films.

AND NOW FOR NO REASON: FERRIS BUELLER FIGHT CLUB

2010-07-16T07:55:00.001-07:00

Okay first off I gotta come clean, I totally stole that picture from /FILM. One of their writers posted a thing about how Ferris Bueller was just a figment of Cameron's imagination much like Brad Pitt to Ed Norton in Fight Club. I love the idea since Cameron was my favorite part of the movie anyway. Then the folks over at CLASSY HANDSedited together this trailer for it which kicks ass.

SIGH....I Guess I Will Have To Buy A Bluray Player

2010-07-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

My current DVD player is a small $30 job I bought at Target about four years ago. It works perfectly and it has given me no reason to go and buy a Bluray player. See most of the things I like, old serials, live bootlegs, documentaries won't be coming out on Bluray anytime soon. I figured why waste the money when most of the shit coming out I don't care about. My promise to myself was when Steven Spielberg got off his ass and released the Bluray JAWS I would break down and buy one.

Now the fuckers over at 20th Century Fox have unleashed this godlike Alien Bluray Anthology and now I have to rethink everything. There's too much shit to list what's on it but head over to AMAZON and you can get a full run down of what's involved plus pre-order it for 98 bucks instead of the 140 it'll cost when it's released on October 26th. Here's a close up of the normal and special edition packaging.

NORMAL

SPECIAL EDITION

See ya, I gotta go steal some money outta my fiancee's purse.